A guy was in love
with a girl but
never had the
guts to tell her.
One night around 10,
he gathered
some courage &
sent her a text
with these
honest words...
"Doreen, I love you,
Plz reply & tell me
how you feel."
A few seconds later
he received a
message alert
on his phone.
He was so scared and
too tensed to open
it that night
so he decided not to
check the message
until the next morning
when he's less tense
and in better senses.
So he went to sleep.
When he woke up
the next day
he prayed seriously
about the message
for good news,
went about doing
his morning chores,
brushed his teeth,
ate his breakfast
took a bath,
dressed himself up then climbed into bed
and picked his phone
to read the message
on his phone.
This was the response
he read:
"Dear customer you have
insufficient balance to send this message. Please recharge your account and try again.

Put a smile on sum1's face.... Happy weekend

the thing hold me strong, that I can't even laugh

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.


After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.


In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls out one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a male voice from the other side of the door.


The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits, sister," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?

princemillla:
The full meaning of (I AM FINISHED)

When you lock the door to kill a snake and NEPA just take the light

You are done!

and i was shoutin yeh! Yeh! Yeh! Jesus said "it is finished".

amhealed:
That Awkward moment...........when you're laughing so hard with your crush.......then a HEAVY CATARRH jump out of your nose....
FADALURD TAKE MY SOUL
There's nothing scarier than using the toilet at your crush's place and it refuses to flush. You'll be starring at your shit like...pls go am begging you in the name of God just go ;
LWKMD

Now...this is funny

Funny Citizens! ;DFunny Citizens!

A 17 year old tonga boy in Choma went to plough the fields and as he was ploughing the scorpion bite his fingers, he ran home crying and neighbors advised his uncle's 'wife to allow the boy put his fingers in her vagina as this was the quickest way to heal such bites, the woman obliged and allowed the boy and indeed in three days the boy got healed, a week later the boy went out and came back home wailing in pain, when he was asked he said a scorpion had bitten his joystick, then his uncle looked at him twice and looked at his wife and said.
"Nonsense' chikala..... Iyi yena you will die this time.

U na joke Don enter recession, I beg I wan enter the OTHER ROOM...

This is why i love nairaland. Tanx @princemilla

dreezybines:
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She
got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom
calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called
your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair."
The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey
has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing;
mine is already eating bananas."

WTF! the girl will sha not understand.

Some lawyers can lie for Africa sha.
A married lawyer made love to his girlfriend inside his car one day, on getting home, his wife saw the girls pant in the car. She got mad and tore it to pieces screaming; honey! Honey!! What is
this? So u r cheating on me...
.
The lawyer calmly replied; my God honey, you have jst destroyed evidence of a rape case worth millions of naria. She quickly fell on her knees apologizing; honey pls forgive me God wil bring another client.

tosyne2much:
The only thing that can make me laugh this evening is if someone sends a cash into my bank account.. With that, a smile will be registered on my face

Same here

To my fellow United fans,I think we should have invested the money used in buying Pogba in MMM ....it would have matured to get Messi by now.......

fnks 2 all d comedians in d rum,

rili cracking some ribs

yemsai:

Same here

My introverted lady, so you're also in my shoes?

Spartanville:
This is why i love nairaland. Tanx @princemilla

Uw jareee

princemillla:
Need for projector in churches

Advice to all churches!
Buy projectors and display lyrics of songs for
members lest they murder songs in such
manner as these :
>Jehovah is Your name (2ce)
19 Warriors, 8 in Battle, Jehovah is Your name


>You are handsome in this place mighty God
>We go de hee, hee your name debade, holiday,holiday (we go dey hail your name day by day all the way)
>Email, email her, email her, Jehovah mail her. Ayinekele gymnastic email her, email her, Jeho email her

Kikikikikikik wahala dey oooo

WTF! LMAO!

tosyne2much:
My introverted lady, so you're also in my shoes?

Yes o

princemillla:
It was my first tym on a date . I asked her out and she agreed. We went to a nearby park for a chat. I searched in my pocket its only a hundred naira note I got . I knew i had to buy us something. As a man I gats make a plan. I told her to wait for me when I went to buy us drinks.With my hundred naira note. I bought only 1fanta can. I took an empty sprite can and poured water direct from the tap. I went back to my lady .A smile appeared on her face as she said... "Oh my lovely man how could u know that sprite is my favorite..I hate fanta... Hahahaha wettin u for do if na u

So easy, tell her it's anti-diabetes sprite...that it contains monochlorophlorus acetone-aqua, it's tasteless and odourless.

And the jokes continues....



Surprise!!!


*Wife:*- Woooooooooow!!, darling I have a very big surprise for u, I can't believe this.
*Husband:* - ok pls I will call u back, I'm about to receive a contract of N30 million.
*Wife:* - Darling, it's a good news but this one is very urgent pls come home now,pls it's VERY URGENT.
*Husband:*- but I'm about to...
*Wife:* - PLS JUST COME HOME BABY,TRUST ME.
*Husband:*- em.. pls my wife just called me for an urgent thing. Pls grant me d access to go and come back quick.
*Company:*- Well, if u leave, I'm afraid of what might happen to d contract.
*After few minutes*
*_The man quickly went home..._*
*Husband:* _```(Seriously sweating)```- Honey why this urgent surprise,when I was abt to receive a contract worth 30 million?
*Wife:*- Honey, our troubles are over and God has finally answered our prayers.
*Husband:*- R u pregnant?
*Wife:* - Haba honey is more than pregnancy, if it's just pregnancy I wouldn't have disturbed u in ur contract.
*Husband:* - Wow, so what's d surprise?
*Wife:* _```(Being happy)```_ Honey, I can't believe this, u knw we have been praying over 6 months now? God has finally answered us. That Big rat
that always disturb us in the kitchen is finally dead, I called u to remove it, I'm afraid of touching rats.
WHAT WILL U DO IF U ARE THIS WOMAN'S HUSBAND ?

Tallesty1:
One day in a well known university, a senior professor started his class on a very serious topic. The moment he turned towards the blackboard, one of the students whistled. He turned, looked at the class and asked the whistler's name..... As usual and as expected no one answered.

The professor peacefully kept the pen in his pocket and picked up his bag. Saying that, the lecture ends here and that was enough for the day, he started moving towards the gate of the class. Students were overjoyed to be free.

Then, he suddenly stopped and turned towards the class, kept his bag on the table and said, "I'll tell you a story to utilise the remaining time."

Everyone became interested.

Yesterday night I tried hard to sleep, but it was miles away from my eyes, so I thought I'd better get petrol in my car, which will save my time next morning and might induce sleep. After having my tank full, I started roaming in that area, enjoying the peace of a traffic free ride.

Suddenly, on the corner I saw a girl who was as young and beautiful as the clothes she was wearing. Must have been returning from a party. Out of courtesy, I turned my car towards her and asked if I may be of any help. She asked me if I could drop her to her home, she'll be very obliged, to which I agreed.

(Who would deny a beautiful young company instead of a dry non sleepy need )

She sat in the front seat with me. We started talking, and to my amazement she was very intelligent, had control on many topics which many youngsters don't. When we reached her address, she admitted my courteous nature and behavior and accepted that she had fallen in love with me.

I also admitted her intelligence and beauty and that I've also started liking her. I told her about my job as a professor in the university.

The girl asked my number, which I gave her willingly. Then she asked me a favor, to which i couldn't have denied naturally.

She said that her brother is a student in the same university, and asked me to take care of him, since we'll be in a long relationship now.

I asked the name of the student.She said that I'll recognise him with one of his very prominent quality.

He whistles a lot.

The moment the professor said this, all eyes in the classroom turned towards the boy who had whistled.

The professor turned to that boy and said, "Young man I didn't get my Ph. D by sitting on my ass. "

Very brilliant.

Man couldnt find his wife after 2 days and decided to logde a missing person report in a police sation.
Man: my wife has been missing for two days, she drove out and is yet to return since, i had tried getting her on phone but it was off.
Officer: what is the height of ur wife?
Man: i cant remember.
Officer: what is her eye colour?
Man: i cant remember, maybe brown.
Officer: what kind of hairdo?
Man: i cant remember.
Officer: what kind of clothe was she puttin on the last time you saw her?
Man: i cant remember, maybe blue gown.
Officer. What kind of car was she driving?
Man: a 2016 range rover suv with plate num AN6653GH, engine num 56935213626,chasis num 362153f, automatic gear with full LED headlamp, V8 turbo charged engine with an 18 loader amplified sound system, silver in colour with platinum rims, brown leather seat with a small dent on the bumper...* began to sob quietly* ehm..ehm...,
Officer: its ok sir, we will help you find your car.

Angry mother!!


After paying 500,000 naira as a semester school fees... And my child comes back home on holidays to speak PIDGIN..
Ogbeni!!!!! You must be mad..
With that kind of amount in this economy you should be speaking Latin or Greek language...
INFACT U SHOULD BE SPEAKING IN TONGUES.
Communicating with both the spirits and gods of our land!!!!

tosyne2much:
The only thing that can make me laugh this evening is if someone sends a cash into my bank account.. With that, a smile will be registered on my face

so tosyne2much too is a clown? This the funniest of all...

princemillla:
And the jokes continues....



Surprise!!!


*Wife:*- Woooooooooow!!, darling I have a very big surprise for u, I can't believe this.
*Husband:* - ok pls I will call u back, I'm about to receive a contract of N30 million.
*Wife:* - Darling, it's a good news but this one is very urgent pls come home now,pls it's VERY URGENT.
*Husband:*- but I'm about to...
*Wife:* - PLS JUST COME HOME BABY,TRUST ME.
*Husband:*- em.. pls my wife just called me for an urgent thing. Pls grant me d access to go and come back quick.
*Company:*- Well, if u leave, I'm afraid of what might happen to d contract.
*After few minutes*
*_The man quickly went home..._*
*Husband:* _```(Seriously sweating)```- Honey why this urgent surprise,when I was abt to receive a contract worth 30 million?
*Wife:*- Honey, our troubles are over and God has finally answered our prayers.
*Husband:*- R u pregnant?
*Wife:* - Haba honey is more than pregnancy, if it's just pregnancy I wouldn't have disturbed u in ur contract.
*Husband:* - Wow, so what's d surprise?
*Wife:* _```(Being happy)```_ Honey, I can't believe this, u knw we have been praying over 6 months now? God has finally answered us. That Big rat
that always disturb us in the kitchen is finally dead, I called u to remove it, I'm afraid of touching rats.
WHAT WILL U DO IF U ARE THIS WOMAN'S HUSBAND ?

believe me she is dead..

​​​DIFFERENCE BTW AN AMERICAN FACEBOOK POST
AND A NIGERIAN FACEBOOK POST.​​​

​AMERICAN POST:​

Hello, my name is Sandra Stone, I am from New
York, I love my husband so much and I can do
Anything to please him...But recently I am
falling for his cousin, what should I do?

​COMMENTS:​

​James Silva :​ I think u need to talk to your
husband because marriage is all about
communication.

​Sarah water :​ Oh my dear, sorry abt that..
Have been in your shoes before, I had to wake
up and face the fact that I am married.

​Michael paper :​ well just remove your mind
from him and make your husband do the things
you like in his cousin..

​NIGERIAN POST:​

My name is Hannatu, I stay in Abuja, married
with a kid, I think I am falling for my husband's
cousin! What should I do?

​NIGERIAN COMMENTS:​

​Dayo muyiwa :​ Fool, love na food?

​Nkiru joy :​ You are a disgrace to
womanhood..shame on u.

​Sam ogun:​ Hannatu I lost ten pounds in the
last few weeks, click the link below http.//mobile
shades, com

​Idris kunle :​ Any news about ASUU strike?

​One love :​ If u want to fall for me too, call my
no: +2348123456789.

​Funmi Leye:​ I no blame u at all, better go find
something do with your life, fall koor, stand nii

​Julius kuku:​ who u EPP?

​Tony Abubakar:​ How does that affect the price
of rice in the market?

​Richard oke :​ Abeg who get bb charger (pin
mouth).

Randyhot:
Man couldnt find his wife after 2 days and decided to logde a missing person report in a police sation.
Man: my wife has been missing for two days, she drove out and is yet to return since, i had tried getting her on phone but it was off.
Officer: what is the height of ur wife?
Man: i cant remember.
Officer: what is her eye colour?
Man: i cant remember, maybe brown.
Officer: what kind of hairdo?
Man: i cant remember.
Officer: what kind of clothe was she puttin on the last time you saw her?
Man: i cant remember, maybe blue gown.
Officer. What kind of car was she driving?
Man: a 2016 range rover suv with plate num AN6653GH, engine num 56935213626,chasis num 362153f, automatic gear with full LED headlamp, V8 turbo charged engine with an 18 loader amplified sound system, silver in colour with platinum rims, brown leather seat with a small dent on the bumper...* began to sob quietly* ehm..ehm...,
Officer: its ok sir, we will help you find your car.

abi what else?

princemillla:
Angry mother!!


After paying 500,000 naira as a semester school fees... And my child comes back home on holidays to speak PIDGIN..
Ogbeni!!!!! You must be mad..
With that kind of amount in this economy you should be speaking Latin or Greek language...
INFACT U SHOULD BE SPEAKING IN TONGUES.
Communicating with both the spirits and gods of our land!!!!

looooooooooooooooooooool

A boy returns a missing purse to d owner in a market.

The lady was so grateful. but when she looked inside, she got confused & said,"but I had a single one thousand naira note, now there are ten pieces of hundred naira note, how come?

The boy said,"na me change am, the last time wey I help person find purse she say, she for give me something but change no dey."
So I say that one no go happen again change don dey

Change begins with U.

TheFreeOne:
As received:


Teacher: what's wrong?

Johnny: our house is very small, Me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad ask if I'm sleeping,
I say No then he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

The following morning Johnny's teacher sees him with a severe swelling on his face.

Teacher: My goodness why the swelling?

Johnny: Dad asked me again me if I was sleeping...
I shut up an kept dead still.

Then my dad & mom start moving, u know, Mom was breathing heavy, kicking her legs up an making moaning noises.

Then my dad asked my mom, "R u coming?"
Mom said, "Yes, I'm coming, r u coming too?" Dad answer: "Yes."

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me,
I'm coming too.

I don laugh wella but i never forget say economy recession continues tomorrow by the grace of God