5 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOUR MOTHER IS A NIGERIAN !!!
1) When you say, "Mummy, I'm Sorry!" And she replies, "Sorry for yourself!".
2) When you ask her where you should drop something and she says, “Drop it on my head."
3) When she brings food wrapped in a nylon bag from a party.
4) When you say, ''Mummy, I have fever.”And she replies you, “Why won't you have fever when you press phone every night”.
5) When you say, “Mummy I took 2nd in my class.” and she replies, “So the person that took first has two heads abi?”

Finally I smoked weed for the first time and nothing happened to me!!
Merry Xmas to u and as we enter this 2019 we shall all see 2012..
Happy new year in advance
I love u all in dis 2go page..
******************
You see, I'm very much ok

Akpos checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed the wrong email address, and without realising he sent the mail to a widow who had just returned from her husband’s funeral.
The widow decided to check her mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message she fainted.
The son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the
computer screen which read: “To my loving wife, I know you are surprised to hear from me, they have computers here and we are allowed to send mails to loved ones.
I’ve just been checked in.
How are you and the kids? The place is really nice but I’m lonely here.
I have made necessary arrangement for your arrival tomorrow. I’m expecting you, darling. I can’t wait to see u!

A warden caught Akpos leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish and the following conversation ensued:
Warden: Aha! I’ve caught you stealing fish red-handed!
Akpos: What do you mean by red-handed?
Warden: You’ve got a bucket full of fish right here, u can’t talk your way out of it this time.
Akpos: Oh, you don’t understand, I’ve not stolen a thing. These are my pet fish! I bring them to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they’ve had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home.
Warden: Do you expect me to believe such a tale?
Akpos: I can prove it. So they walked back to the reservoir and Akpos dipped the bucket in and the fishes swam away.
They both stood in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes and there was no sign of the fish coming back to the bucket.
Warden: Ha, you lying rogue!!! You stole fish.
Akpos: What fish? Where is your proof

AKPOS: My Memory is so bad!
FRIEND: How bad is it?
AKPOS: How bad is what?
………………………………………………………………………………
Akpos buys five pants of the same colour for his wife.
Wife: Ah, same colour? People will think I don’t change my panties.
Akpos: Which people?
…………………………………………………
TEACHER: Who is the President of Iraq?
AKPOS: I don’t know, Miss.
TEACHER: You need to focus more on your studies.
AKPOS: Please Miss, can I ask a question?
TEACHER: Yes.
AKPOS: Do you know Angela
TEACHER: No, why?
AKPOS: You need to focus more on your husband!
………………………………………………………………
Akpos updated his facebook status, “Thank you lord, just got my salary”. He became sad when 10 seconds later his landlord liked his status.

A Prof and Akpos was
seating next to each other in a
long flight.
Prof said to Akpos: lets play a
game, I will ask you a question and if you didn’t get the
answer, you will pay me $50,
and if u ask me a question and I
don’t get the answer, I will pay you $5000.
The Prof started: What is the distance from the earth to the
moon?
Akpos doesn’t say a word, he
reaches his pocket and pulls
out a $50 and gives it to him.
Now it’s Akpos turn to ask, He said: What goes up the hill
with 3 legs and comes down with 5 legs?
The Prof thought for a long time,searches the net, and
asked all his smart friends but couldn’t get the answer.
He reached his pocket, pulled out a $5000 and gave it to Akpos.
The Prof got mad and asked Akpos:
Well, what the hell goes up the
hill with 3 legs and comes down with 5 legs?.
Akpos just dipped his hand into
his pocket and gave Prof $50
and said: I don’t know also.

Akpos the lecturer in Gwagalada, University of Abuja decided to give his students a test.
He asked them to write the answers as he read out the questions.
Instructions says: Canceling answers not allowed)
Akpors the Lecturer: Questi on 1: What’s your favorite food? [10 mrks]
Female students were writing, Pizza, fried rice, Hamburger, ice cream, sharwama and all sorts of Chinese cuisine…..
Lecturer Akpors: Question 2: How do you prepare the food? [50 marks]
Huh!! immediately, the female students started cancelling and changing the foods to, beans, cocoyam, & abacha, bolee and porridge yam, indomine, white rice with no soup!!!

Akpos sits next to a girl on a table in a hotel
Akpos: hello madam?
Lady: what is it?
Akpos: sorry madam , just wanted to ask what the time is on your watch?
Lady: ehee …now you think my watch is used as a public clock huh? Go away and stop wasting my time
Akpos: but madam
Lady: shut up!!!
Akpos takes out his Apple phone and makes call
Akpos: hello John I just settled from Washington D.C can you please tell me what time it is right now so that I set my clock to the local time since it still reads American time? *she listens*
Ok, thank you and today don’t forget to come for the galaxy tablet that you requested * she listens*
Since my girl is still in America bring me a beautiful girl to spend my money with tonight Ok bye
Lady: sir the time is ….
Akpors: shut up !!!!

Akpos and his ever nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While there, his wife passed away. The undertaker told Akpos, “You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000. Akpos thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.
The undertaker asked him, “why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?” Akpos replied, “Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!”

Two mentally disturbed men Akpos and Eazy
decided they must go to school. They
collected old books and went to sit under
the tree pretending it was a school.
The following day, Akpos got there early and
climbed the tree. As the other came and saw his friend on
top of the tree he asked “What are you doing up there?”
Akpos replied; “I am now in high school..”

WhatsApp, Last seen = 1 minute ago.....
Viber, Last seen = 3 minutes ago....
Twitter, Last tweet = 4 minutes ago.....
BBM, Last message = 5 minute ago
The HOLY BIBLE, Last opened = 31st night.
#God is soaking your cane in kerosene

Akpos chased by two guys

Akpos was being chased by two
men for one of his numerous crimes. Akpors ran into d forest and d men followed him.
Akpos got into the forest and climbed a tree. The two men got
to the tree where Akpors was and
did not know where he run to.
Angrily, one of the men, Eazy retorted:
“This boy has escaped again”. His colleague replied: “I know Akpos,
if I call his name thrice, he’ll answer!
Akpos laughed from d tree and said to d men: “If you like call my
name from now till next year I no go answer u, U think say na Akpos of before?”

AKPOS prayed so hard and one
day God finally talked to Him.
GOD: My Son, what do you really
want?
AKPOS: I want a job, a big car
and lots of girls to be all around me..
GOD: Is that all?
AKPOS: Yes…
GOD: Your prayer has been
answered.
AKPOS: Thank you God.
*** AKPOS is now A BUS
DRIVER in a FEMALE SCHOOL.

Has Akpos prayers been answered?

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preciousuweh:
In case you don't know me, here's fact about
me...
1.REAL NAME : Micheal "Revolution" Cooker
2.NICKNAME : Xavier
3.SEX : MALE
4.NATIONALITY : NIGERIAN
6.HOBBIES: Collecting teeth from live lions;
catching bullets with bare hands; jogging up and down mount Everest.
7.MY RECORDS: Fought with a dinosaur and broke its neck, skinned a crocodile alive, held breathe under water for 2months, 3weeks, 6hours,5mins and 45seconds. Hence, traveled around the world in a Day
8.GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS: Went to heaven to charge my phone, fluent in 10,598 languages, first man to land on the sun.
9.SILLIEST THING I'VE DONE: swimming in
Tsunami and driving towards a tornado.
10.EMBARRASSING MOMENT: Couldn't kill 100 bears with a single punch, though 99 died and the last one is now an slowpoke.
11. PROUDEST MOMENTS: Firstly, when a cobra died after biting me.
12.HARDEST MOMENT: Jumped out of an airplane and landed safely on a football pitch.
13.SOMETHING ABOUT ME: I don't like bragging or lying.

these are chuck Norris facts

Nice work you have done here...... I love it

lhawarl1:
Nice work you have done here...... I love it

Thanks, I'm glad you love it.

You welcome

*EXAMINATION COUNCIL OF RELATIONSHIP.*
*Code:* 2027/1
*Paper:* One
*Time:* 15min
*INTRUCTION:* From Option A,B,C Choose the correct Answer.
Each question carries 30mark.

*SECTION A.*
*1.*What is the capital city of LOVE.
A Money.
B Sex.
C Feelings.

*2.*What makes a relationship strong.
A Honesty.
B Sex.
C Money.

*3.*Who cheat most in relationship.
A Guys.
B Ladies.
C A and B

*4.*Who are more faithful in relationship.
A Ladies.
B Guys.
C All of the above.

*5.*Who lies most in relationship.
A Ladies.
B Guys.
C None of the above.

*SECTION B.*
Instruction: Answer any two question.
*1.* What is Love. *(3marks)*

*2.* Why is kiss important in relationship. *(3marks)*

*3.* Why do girls have more than 1 boo. *(3marks)*

*4.* Between the Guys and the Ladies who value relationship. *(3marks)*

*SECTION C: Theory.*
In one word give 5 reason why is difficult for Ladies to propose.

Your Time Starts Now.

*GOOD LUCK.*

BOYS PROVISION
1.Gari
2.Sugar
3.Milo
4.Groundnut
5.10k
•GIRLS PROVISION
1.gari
2.Lipton
3.sugar
4.milk
5.cornflakes
6.Milo
7.Biscuit
8.Drinks
9.groundnut
10.magarine
11.bread
12.Custard
13.Bake beans
14.Sardine
15.Indomie
16.groundnut paste
17.Non diary milk
18.jam
19.Cerelac.
20.condense milk
21.Honey
22.Always
23.40k
After which, girls still want the boys to share the
10k with them
Girls, why naaaa.?

A couple was trying to select the best theme verse to emphasize their wedding ceremony.
After spending a couple of time searching together, they settled for 1 John 4:18 which reads that “there is no fear in love; but perfect love cast out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love”.
They then instructed the wedding cake designer to scribe that verse on their wedding cake. Unfortunately, when the cake designer was scribbling the theme verse on the cake, he forgot to put the 1 which was on the chosen actual theme verse. This changed the theme verse from 1 John 4:18 to John 4:18.
On their wedding day, after blessing the wedding, when they got to the part about cutting the cake, they brought the cake to their pastor so he can pray for it before it was to be shared.
However, as soon as the pastor saw the cake, he collapsed and fell onto the ground which came as a huge shock to everyone. After giving him some first aid, he recovered his consiousness and got back to his feet.
"How in the world would you choose such a verse as your beautiful wedding's theme verse?" asked the pastor before anyone could ask him what went wrong.
"What do you mean pastor?" asked the bridegroom.
"You chose John 4:18 as your theme verse?" asked the pastor. "Who came up with that verse?"
Not wanting to waste time paying attention to detail, the bride jumped in, "we did it together pastor, me and the groom. What's wrong with it?"
"Everything is wrong with it," said the pastor with so much emphasis to the bride, "have you been married before?"
"No pastor!" she replied running out of patience, "why would you even ask such an annoying question?"
The pastor just shook his head and said, "your theme verse tells me so."
"Are you insane? That verse was selected perfectly for this event." she retorted.
The pastor shook his head again and gave the Bible to the bride, "read the verse that has been scribbled on your wedding cake for us?"
With all the confidence, the bride took the Bible and read it aloud, "John 4:18 reads 'For you have had five husbands; and the man whom you have now is not your husband'."
***** The husband fainted ****

There are five friends named
Somebody, nobody, mad,stupid and fool
Somebody and nobody were fighting
Somebody killed nobody
Mad quickly called the police
Mad: Hello sir
Police: can we help you
Mad: yes somebody just killed nobody
Police: are u stupid!!
Mad: no, stupid is in the bathroom bathing
Police: are u mad!!!
Mad: yes how did u knw my name sir
Police: you must be a fool!!!
Mad: no, fool just went out now.

For a long time Akpos
has been
battling with a leak in his roof.
One night there was a very heavy
down pour, he had to move from one corner
of his house to the other to avoid drops from
his roof.
This made him have
sleepless night.
The next morning
he decided to fix his roof, after scouting for
ladder in his
neighbourhood, he tried to climb to the roof.
Climbing wasn't easy, he panted and sweated
but
successfully climbed to the roof,
as he was about to fix the damage, he heard
a knock on his door. He yelled from the top of
his
voice,
"who is that?"
A tattered looking beggar showed up at the
ground and said,
"excuse me, can
I see u?"
Akpos asked
"what is it
you want to tell me?"
The beggar
said,
"just spare me one minute".
Akpos climbed back to the ground, looking
tired and asked
"what can I do for you?"
The beggar said
"can u give me N20?"
Akpos thought for a while and said
"FOLLOW ME".
The two of
them started climbing to the roof, panting
and gasping for breath,
they got to the roof, after panting
for one minute Akpos turned to
the beggar and said
"I DON'T HAVE"
One name for him...

A guy was in a Taxi heading home from work, when he realized that he had forgotten his wallet on his desk and therefore had no extra money on him.
Sitting at the back and a police man was also sitting in the front with the driver.
Throughout the trip, he tried heaven and earth to look for something at least some change but to no avail which made him feel miserable thinking of what and how he could explain his sutuation to convince the driver. Worse still, just to his immediate left there was a Cop who posed much threat to him if he ever tried to mess up.
Immersing himself in very deep thoughts, an idea popped up in his mind. He dropped a stone through the window and spoke up hysterically, "driver!!! Driver!!!!! Stop the car my wrist watch just fell off from the window!!!!!!!!!!"
Quickly, the driver pulled over to the side of the road and watched in amazement the guy running the hell away from the car as possible before he realised the guy was trying to escape the Taxi Fare.
Hysterically, the driver shouted to the police "Officer!! Officer!! That bastard is a thief!!!!! Arrest him!! Arrest him!!!"
Before he knew it, the police had already sprinted out of the car making a beeline towards the young man with the Taxi driver following after him too.
While the guy climbing one of the fences so he could jump over, the police shouted "Freeze!!!!!"
Looking back at the police, the guy realized that he had a gun which made him just give up and raise his hands up in surrender about to fall on his knees for forgiveness when he heard the police say, "stupid son of a b!tch!!!! Why give up so soon"
"Excuse me?" wondered the guy.
The police looked back and realized that the Taxi driver was fast approaching, with his voice as lowered as possible, he said to the guy, "do you think there are any bullets in the gun?
Get up and start running again so I can be chasing you before he gets here and catches us. I also don't have any money to pay him for my Taxi Fare."

1.I'm not saying i hate my ex, am just saying that if i find her in hospital on life machine. I would unplug the machine and charge my phone. lol
2.Guys...That girl who refused to show me her breast in school
..she is now feeding her baby in a bus next to me.
God Is great..
3.That Awkward moment......... When u are laffin so hard with ur crush.... Den a HEAVY CATARRH jump out of ur nose...
FADALURD TAKE MY SOUL .
4.Android fones can be so annoying.how do I explain it? , I just received a notification now that my bible app needs update, pls wat does d bible need update for? Has Adam eaten another apple?
5.IPhone 7s earpiece is N67,000. My question is this...... will I be able to hear angel Micheal testing the trumpet two days before rapture??.
6.TroubleMaking is when you are in a canoe in
the middle of a river, and you now start
singing "Mami water power, powerless
power..."
7.When you take a girl to ATM she will start apologizing for things she hasn't Done.
"Honey am sorry for shouting at you next week"
8.When I get a Whatsapp Message asking me to forward it to
10 people or I die in 7 days. I close the message and wait for
death to come.
9.U are 33 year old and ur role model is emmanuella; can't u see the devil is using ur life to play naira bet?
10.My sister, tomorrow is valentine's day and I know you have already planned to buy your bf one handkerchief and 2 boxers,the gods said I should ask you...Is your bf a cultural dancer?

VACANCY! VACANCY! VACANCY!>>A Zoo in
Abuja Nigeria needs someone to bath lions,
take care of tigers, brush crocodile teeth and
feed snakes....Salary is very attractive, two
million naira (#2,000,000) per week with
free accommodation, feeding and official car...Pls share dis job opportunity with ur
friends..Dont thank me, what are we friends
for

Two teachers were arguing in the
class and the students were
watching.
Others teachers were trooping in one
after the other.
.
ENGLISH TEACHER: What a
pugnacious and combatant fight
teachers maneuverating themselves
in the presence of their pupils.
.
CHEMISTRY TEACHER: Stop this now
or I`ll balance your equation with
acid and base.
.
MATHS TEACHER: please please stop
before I divide and subtract your
names from our teachers` list.
.
CRK TEACHER: Oh God ,forgive them
because they do not know what they
are doing.
.
ECONOMICS TEACHER: What a
human behavior,I`ll draw a scale of
preference to know who`s at fault.
MUSIC TEACHER: Stop both of you
lack voices to win an argument,your
phonet is voiceless,your treble,and
your auto lack vocal sound.
.
HISTORY TEACHER: oh my God of
century 2013 I`ll compare this fight
with that of Iran and Iraq..
.
HAHAHAHAHA "i must calculate the
weight, velocity and momentum of
each blow". Lol... which teacher
made that last statement??

VALENTINE'S DAY REPORT
(1) Engagements .........12%.
(2) Heart breaks ........95%.
(3) Wife caught cheating ........69%.
(4) Husband caught cheating ......79%.
(5) Condom sales .........99%
(6) Fast food sales ........89%
(7) Visit to Motherless Babys' Homes, prisoners/
cells, beggars/destitutes .........2%.
( Girls in hospital over Love........60%
(9) Boys in hospital over Love.......5%
(10) Girls arrested for fighting over
Boys.......69%.
(11) Boys arrested for fighting over
Girls.......10%
(12) Husbands beating wives in
public....... 1002 still counting
(13) Pregnancy ......... 39,572.
(14) Number of switched off phones on Feb 14
2017.... 9 million .
Me and Ma team are still taking statistics....

An okada man jammed a girl, people gathered to
help her (good Samaritans). Still laying helplessly on
the road with injuries, she kept on shouting "My
Phone! My phone!! My phone", hoping she wants to
call her family, we gave her the phone.
Immediately,shestood up sluggishly, took a selfie of
herself, logged into Facebook and Instagram,
uploaded the picture with the caption "JUST HAD AN
ACCIDENT AND I AM ABOUT TO FAINT NOW" she
dropped the phone and fainted.Abeg where are we
supposed to take her to?
A: The Hospital
B: The Psychiatric Hospital
C: To her father's house
D: Just leave her there

preciousuweh:
For a long time Akpos
has been
battling with a leak in his roof.
One night there was a very heavy
down pour, he had to move from one corner
of his house to the other to avoid drops from
his roof.
This made him have
sleepless night.
The next morning
he decided to fix his roof, after scouting for
ladder in his
neighbourhood, he tried to climb to the roof.
Climbing wasn't easy, he panted and sweated
but
successfully climbed to the roof,
as he was about to fix the damage, he heard
a knock on his door. He yelled from the top of
his
voice,
"who is that?"
A tattered looking beggar showed up at the
ground and said,
"excuse me, can
I see u?"
Akpos asked
"what is it
you want to tell me?"
The beggar
said,
"just spare me one minute".
Akpos climbed back to the ground, looking
tired and asked
"what can I do for you?"
The beggar said
"can u give me N20?"
Akpos thought for a while and said
"FOLLOW ME".
The two of
them started climbing to the roof, panting
and gasping for breath,
they got to the roof, after panting
for one minute Akpos turned to
the beggar and said
"I DON'T HAVE"
One name for him...

lol.... Damn

preciousuweh:
VACANCY! VACANCY! VACANCY!>>A Zoo in
Abuja Nigeria needs someone to bath lions,
take care of tigers, brush crocodile teeth and
feed snakes....Salary is very attractive, two
million naira (#2,000,000) per week with
free accommodation, feeding and official car...Pls share dis job opportunity with ur
friends..Dont thank me, what are we friends
for

i need zoo contact...

Person 1 : Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl ?
Person 2 : It’s a girl . She’s my daughter.
Person 1 : Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
Person 2 : I’m not. I’m her mother.