midnighter:


Nah, I mean come back occasionally to visit and know his place/people. Of course the person doesnt need to live anywhere he doesnt want to live. But they at least need to see where they come from.

You left Nigeria in the first place because the country is dysfunctional. You didnt leave because there is something inherently wrong with the people who live there. If not for destiny, you also would have been suffering Nigerian condition so I dont see what is so difficult about coming back once in a while. You have a root, you must come back and see it for yourself or you will grow into a confused adult.

This especially important for black people. Especially black boys! They are bombarded daily with the message that they are totally useless...they need to see the other aspect of their life..their position in the world.

Its actually a baseless mental restriction and a sign of inferiority complex and timidity to starve your kids of cultural education just because you believe that you have "escaped" from your stupid country. A truly enlightened person would make all the effort to inculcate their origin into their kids.

Natasha Akpoti is on Channels tv fighting INEC right now, her mother is a white lady yet she has the guts and empowerment to contest for Kogi state governorship. If her father had avoided Nigeria believing that it was too "dysfunctional", where would she be

I dont know what OP has in mind...I am not necessarily advocating for moving permanently back to Nigeria with the wife and kids...I just meant that they should at least visit.

For the long distance relationship, all that stuff you are saying is just a condition of being in that kind of relationship. People who stay together in the same place all the time also face their own problems...people who are in normal relationships still fake and cover up their imperfections. Dont we see threads about that on here every day??

People meet thousands of people in their office, the eatery, the road, wherever and still mess up So thats not particular to long distance relationships. Whether the relationship works or not depends on how patient the couple is and how much they are willing to adjust as they get to know each other.

He says she is prideful and fat because he has observed behaviour that has led him to believe that she is prideful and fat! How is that a disconnect Are you saying that she wouldnt be fat if he were by her side 24/7? And the problem isnt that shes fat, the problem is that she refuses to do anything about it.

He pointed out that she is not too free with herself because she is already well taken care of, unlike some hungry/gullible girls who will throw all their morals out of the window for shawarma and coke. I dont see anything wrong with that observation, in fact it was a smart one.

His question was, what would she be like if she didnt have all that anymore? If he is not able to provide the lifestyle she is used to, how will it affect the relationship? Again, this is a perfectly reasonable question!

Love is important but its also important to have certain standards for what you want in a spouse and what you can and cannot tolerate. Love is just the initial primer. You still have to be realistic about whether you can actually cope with the person.

She hasnt attacked his weight, maybe she doesnt have a problem with fat guys...thats her business. Moreover, he said that he was trying to reduce his weight.

He is telling her that her weight is a problem for him, instead of her to work on herself she is getting angry, does that make sense to you

I'm going to ignore all the talk about baseless culture because it is counterintuitive striving for the Western life that has no true culture, and yet demanding culture and condemning the easier choices available without said culture. Confused adults indeed. Are all the people out there confused because of culture? Nigeria with all it's culture is full of wicked, inconsiderate, rude, prideful, culturally dependent people who cannot think in a fair way towards others. The culture is only there to please yourselves. It has not made your society clear. A cross section of your Nigerian society will tell you if your strong culture in Nigeria is of any good, or just a baseless/mental restriction.

If he's worried about her behavior without creature comforts from her family, I did mention earlier that he should go out with the woman who he can cater to. Is she the only one in the world? must it be her? The screening process has left him with the "prideful, aggressive" woman who will bring the children to Nigeria. She will uphold "culture".

If a woman said she was choosing a husband based on the comforts of his pockets, you would call that a shallow evaluation. Because so far, that is all that we have here. He knows she's overweight, prideful, aggressive and lazy - according to his description - so what is keeping him on her? Love? Really? He said it's too late to stop, that's all!

If she's angry about him mentioning her weight and he can't live with it, must he marry her? This is why I always said he needs to reevaluate.

Long distance is fantasy at its best.

BRATISLAVA:
I'm going to ignore all the talk about baseless culture because it is counterintuitive striving for the Western life that has no true culture, and yet demanding culture and condemning the easier choices available without said culture. Confused adults indeed. Are all the people out there confused because of culture? Nigeria with all it's culture is full of wicked, inconsiderate, rude, prideful, culturally dependent people who cannot think in a fair way towards others. The culture is only there to please yourselves. It has not made your society clear. A cross section of your Nigerian society will tell you if your strong culture in Nigeria is of any good, or just a baseless/mental restriction.

If he's worried about her behavior without creature comforts from her family, I did mention earlier that he should go out with the woman who he can cater to. Is she the only one in the world? must it be her? The screening process has left him with the "prideful, aggressive" woman who will bring the children to Nigeria. She will uphold "culture".

If a woman said she was choosing a husband based on the comforts of his pockets, you would call that a shallow evaluation. Because so far, that is all that we have here. He knows she's overweight, prideful, aggressive and lazy - according to his description - so what is keeping him on her? Love? Really? He said it's too late to stop, that's all!

If she's angry about him mentioning her weight and he can't live with it, must he marry her? This is why I always said he needs to reevaluate.

Long distance is fantasy at its best.

Its a fallacy to say that Western life has "no true culture". Every country inhabited by human beings has a culture. What you choose to imbibe when you get there is up to you.

You dont stop being black just because you travelled to a different country. All the people in those countries have their ancestry and traditions, why should you abandon yours Besides, youre the one who first mentioned the word "baseless".

Nigeria is full of wicked people, yes. What does that have to do with what we are discussing here

What does wickedness have to do with visiting your grandfather's farm, trying local delicacies, seeing TV advertisements and billboards where everybody is black, learning to dance, attending a loud, noisy Nigerian church service, riding a keke, seeing how people manage without basic amenities like electricity or water on a daily basis...seeing how other people live in a different condition from yours?

How is that a mental restriction?? Why dont you think children born abroad need to see all that?

Yes, I also said he should find somebody he can cope with...that doesnt mean he shouldnt ask questions to see if she is suitable for him. Its just a question...its good to think deeply when considering somebody for marriage.

If a lady took a mans pocket into consideration before marriage, I would call that a fair assessment. And I would weigh things up with negative signs that I was seeing. Just because he hasnt listed all that he likes about her, it doesnt make the relationship invalid.

Yes, I also said he should re-think the wedding if its too much for them.

kizyalex10:
read well i dont speak of distaste.i mentioned about the good side and my concern abt adjusting to the bad side.as for his family support.i never made mention that am broke.i might nt be super rich but am very far from being called broke or gold digger.am better than an aberage naija hustler.no disrespect and i dont think her family is doing better than mine if its in that regard.jst dont be biased and read through the lines.i dont wanna marry oyibo.i love this girl in question alot .Have nt considered another woman for once.all i need is d adjustment.which seem hard for her

Kizyalex, I am sorry if my answer ran askew of your main question, and ruffled your feathers a little as well. But if I were to make my answer in more tactful terms, it would remain much the same. You have received several well-considered answers which address what you have not. If you cannot adjust to what you do not like about her, already, it is not going to go well in your marriage. Don't think you will change what you find to be her negative qualities. It just doesn't work that way. I see red flags.

If you really want to know whether she will nag you or go to her parents for money, if money grows thin...try asking her.

NiCurious:


Kizyalex, I am sorry if my answer ran askew of your main question, and ruffled your feathers a little as well. But if I were to make my answer in more tactful terms, it would remain much the same. You have received several well-considered answers which address what you have not. If you cannot adjust to what you do not like about her, already, it is not going to go well in your marriage. Don't think you will change what you find to be her negative qualities. It just doesn't work that way. I see red flags.

If you really want to know whether she will nag you or go to her parents for money, if money grows thin...try asking her.

she rarely ask me for money.infact she doesnt.i only force nd give her sometimes when my instinct tells me she is lacking and i have.because her parents do all dat for her.my question is what if we re married.her good characters re there but i think is attached to the fact that she is comfortable.my fear is if she will compromise if things aint smooth

kizyalex10:
she rarely ask me for money.infact she doesnt.i only force nd give her sometimes when my instinct tells me she is lacking and i have.because her parents do all dat for her.my question is what if we re married.her good characters re there but i think is attached to the fact that she is comfortable.my fear is if she will compromise if things aint smooth

So you still don't know her well enough, to know in your heart, which she would do--and it is important to you that she not compromise. All this tells me that you really don't know each other all that well, and certainly not well enough to marry. If you really want to marry her without knowing her better, be prepared to do the adjusting, yourself, and not try to change her--trusting her not to stray, forgiving her if she does, and learning to accept her exactly as she is, including those things you find fault with.

It is easier to change one's self than to change another. Are those changes you are willing to make?

BRATISLAVA:
I'm going to ignore all the talk about baseless culture because it is counterintuitive striving for the Western life that has no true culture, and yet demanding culture and condemning the easier choices available without said culture. Confused adults indeed. Are all the people out there confused because of culture? Nigeria with all it's culture is full of wicked, inconsiderate, rude, prideful, culturally dependent people who cannot think in a fair way towards others. The culture is only there to please yourselves. It has not made your society clear. A cross section of your Nigerian society will tell you if your strong culture in Nigeria is of any good, or just a baseless/mental restriction.

If he's worried about her behavior without creature comforts from her family, I did mention earlier that he should go out with the woman who he can cater to. Is she the only one in the world? must it be her? The screening process has left him with the "prideful, aggressive" woman who will bring the children to Nigeria. She will uphold "culture".

If a woman said she was choosing a husband based on the comforts of his pockets, you would call that a shallow evaluation. Because so far, that is all that we have here. He knows she's overweight, prideful, aggressive and lazy - according to his description - so what is keeping him on her? Love? Really? He said it's too late to stop, that's all!

If she's angry about him mentioning her weight and he can't live with it, must he marry her? This is why I always said he needs to reevaluate.

Long distance is fantasy at its best.

You think Western civilization has "no true culture"? You think Germans and the French, and Italians and Swedes etc have "no true culture"? Eziokwu?

BRATISLAVA:
are there no women where you live? What's the point of long distance relationships? You don't like her weight, who told you she doesn't like herself like that? Will you dictate even her size to her? Why don't you marry the one you can cater to rather than looking for a ready made woman? You love her after two years of distance. Love. Love?

maybe there are no women over where he is abroad

midnighter:
Tell her if she doesnt lose the weight you arent marrying her again and see what she does. Neglecting health or physical appearance is a valid reason for breaking up with somebody...For her to get angry when you point it out is rubbish unless you said it in a rude or disrespectful way

Since you yourself do exercise you can encourage her by whatsapping each other at the gym, telling each other what you ate today, checking your weight together and stuff like that.

As for the money aspect you have to trust her. You wont know if she will change with less money until you get less money!

And theres nothing like "gone too far for me to back out"...you can cancel the wedding at any time if youre not comfortable with the relationship..dont marry anybody out of obligation or pity

the man dat will marry u will be lucky .ladies that try to maintain their appearance for their men are bae .no be dose ones wey go jus leave themselves make them blow up like hippo .

lefulefu:
the man dat will marry u will be lucky .ladies that try to maintain their appearance for their men are bae .no be dose ones wey go jus leave themselves make them blow up like hippo .

If she gains weight after childbirth or something its one thing but this seems to be a result of poor discipline.

The weight is not necessarily a problem but if he told her he doenst like it I dont see why she should get angry. If he didnt tell her and just dumped her, wouldnt she still complain

Obi1kenobi:


You think Western civilization has "no true culture"? You think Germans and the French, and Italians and Swedes etc have "no true culture"? Eziokwu?

yes. No true culture. It's a conglomerate of several refugee cultures. The strongest things called culture are Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter. What else have you? Marital rites? Burial rites? None of those exist and are subject to no restrictions. I'm not talking about Germans beer drinking or Italian sausage making. No true culture. Point out any true culture like the silly things Nigerians use to limit themselves.

HRHQueenPhil:
The part l am interested in is the weight
Let's get it clear- any woman dat cannot discipline herself to lose weight and keep it off dosent love u deeply, is lazy and not a determined/focused person or is pregnant.
When u love a man, u do things so he wld compliment u, be throughly impressed even if it's eye service like some do. A woman dat has pride is playing with fire..

What about what she wants? Why do women always have to please the men? A lil weight gain every now and then doesn’t hurt. Let her live.

Igetmyown247:



What about what she wants? Why do women always have to please the men? A lil weight gain every now and then doesn’t hurt. Let her live.

my sweet, weight gain now and then hurts, for a diabetic who is taking insulin weight is not good.. u are not doing it to please anybody , its to help urself

BRATISLAVA:
yes. No true culture. It's a conglomerate of several refugee cultures. The strongest things called culture are Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter. What else have you? Marital rites? Burial rites? None of those exist and are subject to no restrictions. I'm not talking about Germans beer drinking or Italian sausage making. No true culture. Point out any true culture like the silly things Nigerians use to limit themselves.

Culture is simply the way of life of a people, so yes if you're Italian, distinctive Italian cuisine is part of your culture, as is Italian art and architecture and fashion and the opera, and Roman Catholic tradition etc.

HRHQueenPhil:
my sweet, weight gain now and then hurts, for a diabetic who is taking insulin weight is not good.. u are not doing it to please anybody , its to help urself

I totally understand that, but it’s okay to live. Gain a few pounds and hit the gym as well. And that has to please you not your partner.

Also know that not every skinny/slim person is healthy on the inside.

NiCurious:


So you still don't know her well enough, to know in your heart, which she would do--and it is important to you that she not compromise. All this tells me that you really don't know each other all that well, and certainly not well enough to marry. If you really want to marry her without knowing her better, be prepared to do the adjusting, yourself, and not try to change her--trusting her not to stray, forgiving her if she does, and learning to accept her exactly as she is, including those things you find fault with.

It is easier to change one's self than to change another. Are those changes you are willing to make?

i knw her well enough.see bro,the advantage or real advantage abt this girl is that she is real enough with no pretence and she doesnt pretend abt her flaws and which is fine nd makes her stand out from the very rest.d others always try to fake it to impress me of which it most times doesnt end well cos somehw their cover blows .

kizyalex10:
i knw her well enough.see bro,the advantage or real advantage abt this girl is that she is real enough with no pretence and she doesnt pretend abt her flaws and which is fine nd makes her stand out from the very rest.d others always try to fake it to impress me of which it most times doesnt end well cos somehw their cover blows .

With each of your replies, the focus of your concern seems to shift. This suggests to me that you're uneasy about something that you can't quite put your finger on; or else you are taking to heart, the advice to be adaptable and be accepting of her character, exactly as it is.

Regardless, my own view doesn't change, and I've offered all I can on the matter. Wishing you the best in whichever course of action you choose to take.

NiCurious:


With each of your replies, the focus of your concern seems to shift. This suggests to me that you're uneasy about something that you can't quite put your finger on; or else you are taking to heart, the advice to be adaptable and be accepting of her character, exactly as it is.

Regardless, my own view doesn't change, and I've offered all I can on the matter. Wishing you the best in whichever course of action you choose to take.

thanks brother