My brother run for your dear life, I could remember when I used to fall in love with my bestie, she cheated on her boyfriend with me. I felt i was on top of the world, not knowing I will also face thesame consequences. She literally say it to me, what I did to my boyfriend will you be happy if you were in his shoe, I was like why will you do such with me, your family knew me as your fiancee not just a friend and you told me your mum really want us to be together forever. The day she go shock me like this na with another bestie wey I sabi wella she dey Bleep, when I confronted her she said, didn't she cheated on his former boyfriend with me, I should get on with it. My guy no dull am at all girls will always be girl. Quote me anywhere

The truth is bitter bt its for ur own good ............. end d relationship b4 its 2 late

Nairalanders with attitude of dump her, dump her bla bla in any slightest suspicious between couples. If you keep on going this way you will end up dumping all women in world because no one is perfect. I'm not supporting cheating but sit her down and have a deep discussion with her from that you will know the way forward whether to continue or discontinue

dayleke:


So If he didn't look through her phone, that means it didn't happen?

please , wait there . I have sent someone to give you a cold bottle of Trophy lager beer !

DivineTurnAroun:
Nairalanders with attitude of dump her, dump her bla bla in any slightest suspicious between couples. If you keep on going this way you will end up dumping all women in world because no one is perfect. I'm not supporting cheating but sit her down and have a deep discussion with her from that you will know the way forward whether to continue or discontinue

you will discuss the way forward with someone who knows that she has marriage at stake , yet cheating ! The way forward for her is tongo to a brothel . Will you or advice your brot
her to marry such a lady ?

INTRODUCTION:
Hi Oluentra1

I commend you for seeking advice from us here on Nairaland. However, while we offer you our advice you should also be sensitive and wise enough to glean through the weight and substance of what we offer you. This also applies to me, a life coach.
Having said that, I’ll go straight to the issues observed from your question and offer my advice accordingly, one after the other.


ISSUE 1: “..she left the guy for me.”

I need to understand the context of this statement. What do you mean by, “She left the guy for me?”
Did you convince her to leave him while both of them were still dating? Did you meet her while she was still dating the other guy and somehow, somewhere due to your presence in her life and due to your influence she left the other guy and started dating you? Please, give me a factual, straightforward answer, not a mary’go-round response.

MY ANALYSIS:
If you were the one who convinced her to leave the other guy and come for you, then it is a wrong step. That is a foundational problem that says a lot about you and a lot about her too.

It doesn’t matter if she tells you that she is already tired of the relationship with the other guy. What will absolve you of blame is if you never at any point in time tried remonstrating her to leave her ex.

Let me adumbrate. You see— the foundation of every relationship is very important. It is sacrosanct. For instance, how did you meet your fiancé? Some people will tell you—“Well, in a club.” And both of you claim to be born again Christians! That in itself will be an error.

However, where both parties are clear and truthful on their spirituality with each other that they are just ordinary church-goers then it makes them birds of the same feather and to that extent it may not be an issue for them. The point I seek to address categorically here is COMPATIBILITY.

Compatibility comes dressed in different forms. There is compatibility of purpose. There is also compatibility of faith; there is compatibility of values, and so on.

Marriage is a lifetime thing. It baffles me that people go to the university to study a course for four or five years because they are preparing for their future; yet they never take the time to intentionally buy books on marriage to study or attend marriage seminars or counseling with trained experts and life coaches even when it is also an important foundational truth that marriage ought to be for life!

The chief cause of crisis in marriages is an absence of knowledge. Even in the bible it is explicitly stated that my people perish for lack of knowledge. Would you enter an airplane if you were told that the pilot is yet to qualify from his training and that he is just a beginner or newbie? Why then do we entrust the rest of our lives to someone we don’t much about on the basis that he or she will change for the better when we get married to them?

Can I shock you? When it comes to values—if you find out red flags in a potential spouse, it is better you intentionally end that relationship. Discuss this with your fiancé and make them understand you can’t live with that. In life, principles are very important. This point is well validated scripturally, “Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.” I didn’t say that. It’s in the bible.

So back to my earlier point—if you were the one who convinced her to leave that other guy (i.e., her ex), then it is akin to what people call “stealing” another person’s partner. That is a foundational problem meant to boomerang come some day. What you sow is what you reap. The laws of life will not relax for anybody. There is seed time and harvest time. There is day and there is night. These laws are sacrosanct. Violate them and they’ll work at your peril.


ISSUE 2: “…I got to know that finances during her time with him was a big issue and at one time or twice she cheated on him to sleep with men that could take care of the finances.”


MY ANALYSIS:
My brother, you see why I said that knowledge is very important! If you had known better would you have continued the relationship with this kind of woman?

See, I know that she told you this in confidence and your conscience would have told you that it won’t be fair if you used this information she disclosed to you against her. Well, let me enlighten you.

Sit back and read carefully. Don’t be in a hurry. Understand the hard truths I’m about to drop.
One of the essences of courtship is to understand your potential partner; to study them; and to know more about them. And one of the ways you go about this is when you have communication.
I mean HONEST communication. Look at that qualifier twice—“honest.”

Not just any kind of communication but a honest one.
When a person tells you about their past and it has to do with values systems that they violated especially one that is of an addictive nature, it is a sure red flag situation.

What do you do in a situation when you find out a red flag in someone? I know some people may be wondering about this. First, if you don’t know the meaning of red flag, google it and then come back to read the remaining part of this analysis. Secondly, if you know the meaning of “red flag” or if you’ve just checked it up on Google few seconds ago, let me ask this follow-up question—what happens when a person plays with fire?
Do they get burnt?
Or they go unscathed?

Those who have immunity to fire can go ahead with a relationship when they spot red flags. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone who plays with fire and comes out unhurt.

Just a quick clarification to create some balance: not every wrong behavior is a red flag. Your fiancé doesn’t know how to dress—this is not a red flag! Your fiancé doesn’t know how to dress and each time you advise her she listens to you and improves in that area—this is not also a red flag. Your fiancé doesn’t know how to dress but each time you correct her she gets angry and repeatedly doesn’t change—this is a red flag.
Red flags aren’t necessarily all forms of weaknesses. I can’t cover all that here on Nairaland. If you want to learn more on this, go to Google or reach out to me for more specific resources and well-guided counseling.

Let me proceed with a brief discussion on sex as a red flag.

Sex is an act that can become addictive to participants if it is repeatedly done especially where there are random or multiple partners. This is even more worrisome when it’s a woman. Why? Women are more emotional and when a woman consents willfully to sex, all her emotions are (in most cases) involved in the act.
The aftermath of this is that over time she starts craving for more sex. One man can no longer satisfy her. She now needs two or more. Over time she begins to hunger for the thrills and escapades that sex can offer—so she resorts to clandestine sex without the knowledge of her partner. And so she starts cheating on him.

It becomes fun to her. CAVEAT: I am not attacking women, here. Men are also guilty of this. In fact-- MORE guilty. A lot of men are promiscuous too. They keep different women who they reach out to for sex and deceive these women with the promise of marriage and they end up disappointing them.
However the purpose of my focus in the paragraph above is because you are a man—I mean you who asked me the question.
ISSUE 2B: “We have been together for more than 2 years and also we are planning to get engaged traditional soon.”
I will not tell you categorically what you should do but if you’re wise enough you should be able to read the handwriting on the wall having read my answers up to this point.


ISSUE 3: “...and also if she ever meet the guy again she will sleep with him.”

MY ANALYSIS:
What more do you want me to say, Oluentra1?
Have you seen it? It will replay. Nobody can change except they love God.
Before you marry someone ask them about their relationship with God. Also don’t believe hook line and sinker what they tell you. Study them.
You too, before you ask that question you must be saved.
I bet you, if you confront her and she doesn’t deny what you saw in her phone she will resort to telling you that she didn’t mean what she said in her response to her friend.
My brother, a red flag is a red flag.

People don’t stay faithful in marriage or in a relationship because they told you they love you. What many of us call love today is actually feelings or emotions.
What makes a person stay faithful is how sound and rock-solid their values system is. And most importantly—do they have the fear of God in them?
A person with the fear of God in them will never cheat on you. If they find out that the pressure for sex is becoming very strong on them during a time when their spouse travelled they will openly discuss this with their spouse. I mean their husband or wife as the case may be. Not with an outsider.

These days I see husbands who discuss their marital struggles with their friends when they should be discussing same with their partner. I see wives too, who do the same.
When you discuss your vulnerabilities with your partner or spouse as the case may be, they may not understand you all the time—I must be frank with you. However, when both of you keep doing this over time you’d discover that the points of commonalities and similarities will increase between the both of you. Thus, both of you will start aligning and sharing similar views on this.

GENERAL ADVICE TO EVERYONE READING: See, all these things I am writing here may sound theoretically sweet but hear me well—marriage is not for kids.
There is work in marriage o! A husband and wife have to decide to make their marriage work. And after deciding they will have to work it out.
There are days when a man’s wife will be feeling moody and may not be ready for sex—the man has to be understanding. He shouldn’t see this as a challenge on his authority.

Women too should be understanding. A man may be feeling bad because of a failed business meeting and so when he comes home he may not be in the mood for a lengthy discussion. An insensitive woman may start asking him for money to buy things at that point in time. She may even go further to use vituperative words on him, calling him a failure and a loser for being unable to provide for his family. This ought not to be.
These are character flaws that the husband and wife ought to have discussed during their courtship. They need to agree on certain things. Even the bible is very clear on this—“Can two work together except they be agreed?”


ISSUE 4: “Because it seemed she can't be loyal or maybe the she loves the guy more than me and any given opportunity she will always go back to the ex…”

MY ANALYSIS:
I couldn’t agree more with XhosaNostra on this. Her views are completely spot on:
“She basically told you that she's done this to someone before, but you still went on & engaged this person.”

A person who has a messed up value systems will mess up irrespective of the person they are with. What makes people cheat IN MOST CASES is not because the love stopped coming from their partner. It is an intrinsic fault in the cheater. It is a character flaw. It is their own problem. It is not in your position to change a cheater.

A cheater will always remain a cheater unless he or she decides GENUINELY to change come some day. But to say that a cheater will change at the insistence of their partner is never a thing of certainty. This explanation I have given can be summarized with this very popular saying—you can’t change anybody.

It is therefore better not to go ahead with a relationship when you notice cheating tendencies in such person. Even if a person cheats on you and then confesses out of volition to you without you even asking for it from them—it is more advisable to pull out of that relationship. You may be saying—but she confessed to me even when I didn’t ask her or she promised not to do it again or I still love her, etc. none of these excuses are watertight.

GENERAL ADVICE TO EVERYONE READING: How many times do I keep telling people in my relationship seminars—
Love doesn’t sustain a relationship or marriage.

1. I see a lot of people share their relationship challenges here on Nairaland and they always say that their partner does something (which is a red flag behavior o!) yet they say they still love the person.
That’s not love. That’s feeling. What we call love isn’t love. It is emotions. When you feel attracted to someone, it isn’t love. What you’re undergoing during such times is a physiological process. Neurotransmitters in your brain sending you love hormonal feelings that tingle and excite you; and you end up thinking both of you feel the same way for each other.
If love isn’t feeling, then what is love?
Love is simply a decision you make to be with someone after having known them, studied them, and told yourself that this person is worth being with.

It is a delicate act so you don’t rush into it. It takes months to build love. Love isn’t what you feel after seeing a beautiful lady and your body starts giving you feelings of excitement. It isn’t what you feel after having been with a lady for two months and then you end up kissing her and thereafter you tell yourself nobody has made you feel the way you felt after kissing her.
Feelings are ephemeral and temporal. Therefore they come and go. Would you base your future with someone on feelings that can’t stand the test of time? Certainly not.

2. Love is a verb. It must be shown, seen, and felt, not only said to exist. Here I don’t mean sex. I mean acts of service. Doing something for the one you love. Buying them gifts, spending time with them, and so on. And please, don’t emphasize on the gift. Rather, place more emphasis on the time spent together.
What do both of you discuss when together? Courtship isn’t a time for visiting cinema or going out on dates at fastfoods only. What are both of you discussing? Have you asked him or her questions that will help you gauge the spiritual thermometer of their lives? Or questions that will help you know more about their values? You don’t have to ask them those questions directly. You can go about it circuitously.
I can know a person’s values without asking them directly to tell me about their values. That will be a lame approach. You ca
n tell a story about yourself where the central focus is on your values and character as a person.
Assuming the story highlights your disdain for cheating; if he or she is the cheating type, after telling the story pay more attention to their body language response. Also pay attention to what they verbalize but this isn’t the main area of focus. Why? Because you know more about people from their actions than from their words. This doesn’t mean words are immaterial. They’re also important.

3. Love isn’t what you go for because everyone is telling you it’s time for you to get married. So many young people today don’t know what marriage is all about.
They don’t understand what compatibility is. Compatibility is something I can spend over one month teaching. By the time I am done teaching on this you’d realize that deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone is something you shouldn’t treat with levity.

IN CONCLUSION:
I hope you do the right thing.

I wish you well.

If you need further assistance you
can contact me via my signature.

Happy weekend.

The Creative Luv Doc

you re not ready for marriage.

I trust myself sha
Na instant breakup
I could never trust such a person

She cheated on her ex for money, so she did prostitution. You took her from her ex cos you had more money. She could sleep with her ex if there was a chance.

And you’re asking for advise?

Since this is what you want to hear, keep her, she only made a small mistake. Forgive her, she’ll not do it again. It’s the devil.

One day sha, when your story has DNA, children, wicked, wife, etc in the headline, just know it was the devil also.

OLUENTA1:
Hello Nairalanders I need to hear from different people what to do and maybe if there is any advise at all or guidance to the issue/incidence that occured between me and my fiancee

Let me go straight to the story and I will try to make it short and explanatory.

My fiancee happened to have this ex that obviously they had a good time together and infact she left the guy for me and during one of our conversation I got to know that finances during her time with him was a big issue and at one time or twice she cheated on him to sleep with men that could take care of the finances

We started our relationship and I quickly noticed the challenges with this with her but on my own part I can take care of her finances. Anyway, We have been together for more than 2 years and also we are planning to get engaged traditional soon.

The unthinkable happened during one of my inquisitive quest of checking her WhatsApp messages when I saw her telling her closest buddy that she was chatting with her ex the other time and that they were talking about how many times they had sex and also if she ever meet the guy again she will sleep with him.

Well, as it is I am feeling been cheated on and secondly, i can't imagine that she will still have this feeling for the ex so much that she could say that she can still sleep with the ex again.

The question now is, do I still need to continue the relationship with her? and also call off the engagement? Because it seemed she can't be loyal or maybe the she loves the guy more than me and any given opportunity she will always go back to the ex

Marry who you want your daughter to be like and sun to emulate

Don’t trust a LovePeddler

horpigee1:
yh I don't deny the fact, its a good idea but checking of partners phone could lead to hrt attack

Yet it's necessary. Know your partner...

Nkechi, how are you?

MissGodOwn:

Are u minding them, every little thing they bring on social media, infact @op pls update us the next time u have sex, rubbish.

Mordecai:
Nkechi, how are you?

My name is not nkechi.

Firstly, forget anything serious plan you’re having with the girl . Make una dey play una selves dey go , sincerely speaking the reason she’s still with you today is because you’re keeping up with her financial needs .
When it comes to kpekus you be batshuayi the ex na Ronaldo.

OLUENTA1:
Hello Nairalanders I need to hear from different people what to do and maybe if there is any advise at all or guidance to the issue/incidence that occured between me and my fiancee

Let me go straight to the story and I will try to make it short and explanatory.

My fiancee happened to have this ex that obviously they had a good time together and infact she left the guy for me and during one of our conversation I got to know that finances during her time with him was a big issue and at one time or twice she cheated on him to sleep with men that could take care of the finances

We started our relationship and I quickly noticed the challenges with this with her but on my own part I can take care of her finances. Anyway, We have been together for more than 2 years and also we are planning to get engaged traditional soon.

The unthinkable happened during one of my inquisitive quest of checking her WhatsApp messages when I saw her telling her closest buddy that she was chatting with her ex the other time and that they were talking about how many times they had sex and also if she ever meet the guy again she will sleep with him.

Well, as it is I am feeling been cheated on and secondly, i can't imagine that she will still have this feeling for the ex so much that she could say that she can still sleep with the ex again.

The question now is, do I still need to continue the relationship with her? and also call off the engagement? Because it seemed she can't be loyal or maybe the she loves the guy more than me and any given opportunity she will always go back to the ex

Ok.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyajvvsuGcU

OLUENTA1:
Hello Nairalanders I need to hear from different people what to do and maybe if there is any advise at all or guidance to the issue/incidence that occured between me and my fiancee

Let me go straight to the story and I will try to make it short and explanatory.

My fiancee happened to have this ex that obviously they had a good time together and infact she left the guy for me and during one of our conversation I got to know that finances during her time with him was a big issue and at one time or twice she cheated on him to sleep with men that could take care of the finances

We started our relationship and I quickly noticed the challenges with this with her but on my own part I can take care of her finances. Anyway, We have been together for more than 2 years and also we are planning to get engaged traditional soon.

The unthinkable happened during one of my inquisitive quest of checking her WhatsApp messages when I saw her telling her closest buddy that she was chatting with her ex the other time and that they were talking about how many times they had sex and also if she ever meet the guy again she will sleep with him.

Well, as it is I am feeling been cheated on and secondly, i can't imagine that she will still have this feeling for the ex so much that she could say that she can still sleep with the ex again.

The question now is, do I still need to continue the relationship with her? and also call off the engagement? Because it seemed she can't be loyal or maybe the she loves the guy more than me and any given opportunity she will always go back to the ex

Don't ever marry her..She is not the woman for you. She is a loose Canon..

fortune1968:
please , wait there . I have sent someone to give you a cold bottle of Trophy lager beer !

Thank you.
Please can I have another 1?

Prec1ous:
Like they say. Girls don't marry who they love, they only follow who is ready to shoulder their responsibility and expense, that is you! She is still in love and loyal to the ex.

Imagine after you marry her and the only thing he never had, money becomes a thing of the past?

Unlike the blind fools, I will advice you check your partners phone every three month, so you can always see their life path.

What you do not know will kill you or how do people die from poisoning, sniper shot and letter bombs.

You have to downgrade that girls level to a Bleep buddy or let her go completely. Do not ever marry her.

ALSO, the past really matter, we deceive ourselves tooo much. Try to know alot about your partner or do you start a business with limited info?

PS: I see relationships as a business, damn love!

she's only using him to pass time, women are like predators looking for prey's. I don't pray op money stop coming but if it happens, expect are to dump your sorry ass.

I don't do the checking of phone, for what actually? if she wan cheat she go cheat, don't think you can go about monitoring a bae, you are only on a long thing ! I guess op as fell in love because he as invested alot on her .