Hmmmm

Kebbiprince:

Something needs to be done about it, times are changing. What's now the need for her to work and earn if she can't bring anything to the table. She rather not work than do that. I have a colleague his wife works very much like him but she doesn't contribute anything to the family but instead sends her money to her family as if the man doesn't have family too to take care of

Yes something should be done about it. I know its a major caise of friction with young couples. The older generation has more or less accepted it as a cultural norm. But i see a lot of younger men starting to ask real questions about what exactly their high earning wives are doing with their fat salaries and why they don't feel the need to chip in with family obligations. It's a really thorny issue.

You have entered. When you were being pussy whipped why did you not come seek for advise? Only God can help you as it is now cos its obvious you are entering into the uncharted waters of an unhappy union.

She told you she wasn’t ready, you talked her into it and now you’re having cold feet.

merieam16:
So if someone did that to ur sis u"ll tell him "to run frm the relationship as fast as possible" because he was blind and couldnt see d writing on d wall b4 getting her pregnant abi....

That is a dumb reasoning. You are probably still a kid. Do what's best for you, bro. The worse is yet to come. Let her go. Life is short. U deserve peace of mind. Trust me on this. I beg u!

O.P, which sex style did you use to get her pregnant? That's only what I want to know

duni04:

Yes something should be done about it. I know its a major caise of friction with young couples. The older generation has more or less accepted it as a cultural norm. But i see a lot of younger men starting to ask real questions about what exactly their high earning wives are doing with their fat salaries and why they don't feel the need to chip in with family obligations. It's a really thorny issue.

Honestly, new generational men will change the narrative

She is pursuing her Masters - she is willing and able to self improve.
She is able to learn from and work with you in your business, - she is teachable and able to learn from a man she has intimate relations with (one of the most difficult things ever, ask any man who has taught their wife or girlfriend how to drive).
You are able to speak to her about your concerns- she listens or rather both of you can sit and have a difficult conversation.

From your post, I do not see how she is unambitious.

Now, she seems in your opinion to lack in the area of domestic work. You need to understand that, not all women are domesticated. You can either love and live with her shortcomings as is, or make arrangement to close to the gap by employing a domestic staff. It is not easy cleaning any house everyday. It saps you and for some people after such cleaning, they can't do anything meaningful for the rest of the day. I suggest you help channel her abilities to areas where the return on the investment of her time is highest and outsource the mundane task of house cleaning.

If you can not afford a domestic, sit with her and plan a cleaning schedule with her as the champion. She will not follow it to the letter, but it bring some semblance of order.

As for the tensions you are feeling regarding starting a family, it's normal given the circumstances. The way out is have a well thought out detailed plan and follow it. You have 9 months to prep for the child and hey you will be a good father. Just take it one day at a time.

I can not advise you on if you should proceed with the marriage or not. That you must decide for yourself, but know that the idea of a lifetime with one woman has many men nervous and developing cold feet before the wedding. It is not particular to you, in fact it's normal. Marriage is a walk of faith and sacrifice.

jondon11:
So I met my girl about a year ago during the start of the lockdown. We bonded real quick...she's easy-going, sorta smart, mad sexy and funny. Two months after we started dating, she moved in with me and began shuttling between my place and her sister's.

I work from home and my place is structured such that there's not much to do to maintain it. Although I work from home, I go out now and again for business and during my time out I run most of the errands...my girl ensures that it's only when I'm going out that she gets whatever she needs, from the market or errands around the area mainly cause she's often in a pant and bra watching a movie or just being lazy. She's a good cook but a lot of times I found chow coming late or not at all, and there was always raw food to prepare...sometimes her excuse for not cooking could be she couldn't get one ingredient or the other either because she didn't have cash on her or some other reason...there's mobile money just outside our gate and if she doesn't have the money she can call me to make a transfer but the main issue was laziness. I swept and mopped like 80% of the time, ran errands like 100%, cooked like 20% or the time (starved like 20% or sorted myself out someway), she did dishes 80% of the time and I brought like 100% of the money we lived on.

She is doing her MSc and our relationship started during the lockdown so she wasn't going to school. She was job searching (more like job waiting) so this gave her a lot of idle time which she spent watching Zee World or being on social media. I soon found a way to engage her in the job I do from home, and with the money she had saved in the bank (over 400K), she started work with me. I purchased a laptop for her for this purpose and so she could develop herself in other areas via online courses but she didn't do much work...working like two hours daily, very late at night...I sometimes complained but tried encouraging her as much as possible, especially when she made some success.

I'm sure you'd ask why I stayed in the relationship despite all of this? I was pussy whipped, had no other options given the nature of my work, saw some potential in her ( I know, a stupid thing to say) and thought I was in love (I'm 29 and shouldn't have been that stupid).

Fast forward to December last year, we discovered she was pregnant, a month pregnant. Told her we should keep the child and get married...she suggested we could abort since we weren't quite ready but I said what was a couple more months gonna make a difference?

Since then till now, we've been quarrelling non-stop, one issue after another of which it's mainly me raising the issues. Maybe it's the tension that comes from knowing I might be starting a family with so many unresolved issues. I've raised my concerns and told her she'd need to be more responsible in the relationship if things will work and even though she tells me she knows, I know deep down she doesn't mean it or might not be up to the task of being a married adult. From some of our talk she expects I'd take care of all the financial responsibilities and have suggested a couple of times we get help for chores (we've moved to a bigger space now) but I told her in clear terms that that's not how I imagined my life...having help for chores and the likes, besides, it's just a two-bedroom flat.

I've purchased some of the things we'd be needing for our wedding and we're supposed to do an introduction this coming week but I'm having cold feet and just want to call it off.

I'm bringing this here to know how I can manage this situation...I can be lazy but I'm a really ambitious person so this pushes me but my girl is not just lazy, but unambitious. How do I manage the situation...there's a child involved now and will need to consider the child but at the same time, I can't take on this much stress nor have my ambitions cut short because my partner is lazy.

What can I do??

jondon11:
So I met my girl about a year ago during the start of the lockdown. We bonded real quick...she's easy-going, sorta smart, mad sexy and funny. Two months after we started dating, she moved in with me and began shuttling between my place and her sister's.

I work from home and my place is structured such that there's not much to do to maintain it. Although I work from home, I go out now and again for business and during my time out I run most of the errands...my girl ensures that it's only when I'm going out that she gets whatever she needs, from the market or errands around the area mainly cause she's often in a pant and bra watching a movie or just being lazy. She's a good cook but a lot of times I found chow coming late or not at all, and there was always raw food to prepare...sometimes her excuse for not cooking could be she couldn't get one ingredient or the other either because she didn't have cash on her or some other reason...there's mobile money just outside our gate and if she doesn't have the money she can call me to make a transfer but the main issue was laziness. I swept and mopped like 80% of the time, ran errands like 100%, cooked like 20% or the time (starved like 20% or sorted myself out someway), she did dishes 80% of the time and I brought like 100% of the money we lived on.

She is doing her MSc and our relationship started during the lockdown so she wasn't going to school. She was job searching (more like job waiting) so this gave her a lot of idle time which she spent watching Zee World or being on social media. I soon found a way to engage her in the job I do from home, and with the money she had saved in the bank (over 400K), she started work with me. I purchased a laptop for her for this purpose and so she could develop herself in other areas via online courses but she didn't do much work...working like two hours daily, very late at night...I sometimes complained but tried encouraging her as much as possible, especially when she made some success.

I'm sure you'd ask why I stayed in the relationship despite all of this? I was pussy whipped, had no other options given the nature of my work, saw some potential in her ( I know, a stupid thing to say) and thought I was in love (I'm 29 and shouldn't have been that stupid).

Fast forward to December last year, we discovered she was pregnant, a month pregnant. Told her we should keep the child and get married...she suggested we could abort since we weren't quite ready but I said what was a couple more months gonna make a difference?

Since then till now, we've been quarrelling non-stop, one issue after another of which it's mainly me raising the issues. Maybe it's the tension that comes from knowing I might be starting a family with so many unresolved issues. I've raised my concerns and told her she'd need to be more responsible in the relationship if things will work and even though she tells me she knows, I know deep down she doesn't mean it or might not be up to the task of being a married adult. From some of our talk she expects I'd take care of all the financial responsibilities and have suggested a couple of times we get help for chores (we've moved to a bigger space now) but I told her in clear terms that that's not how I imagined my life...having help for chores and the likes, besides, it's just a two-bedroom flat.

I've purchased some of the things we'd be needing for our wedding and we're supposed to do an introduction this coming week but I'm having cold feet and just want to call it off.

I'm bringing this here to know how I can manage this situation...I can be lazy but I'm a really ambitious person so this pushes me but my girl is not just lazy, but unambitious. How do I manage the situation...there's a child involved now and will need to consider the child but at the same time, I can't take on this much stress nor have my ambitions cut short because my partner is lazy.

What can I do??

bros which business where you doing online at home please help me out biko

ode

jondon11:
Thanks!

Boss, I would like to be tutuored by you regards the working from home stuff. I would greatly appreciate your help. Below is my email. I would check my inbox for ur reply sir

sabastinendubuisi1986@gmail.com

And u know she is Ladzy and u gt mind put ur ladzy dick inside her
..brother . Fornication is a sin

Uprightness100:
If the Foundation be Destroyed , what can the righteous do?
Marriage is honorable with the bed undefiled..

When the Foundation has be broken and the bed defiled, whatever you see, you take it like that with Joy and No Complain..

You are a Fantastically foolish man

bro run far faaaarrr away. she will never change. it can only get worse. this is exactly what I'm going through right now. I thought with the arrival of our son she will change but I was wrong. it got worse. when she eventually started working she said her money is for her alone that it's my responsibility to take care of her and the baby. she couldn't even buy diaper of #50 saying it's my job and not her's. she became toxic alway's wanting to fight. my BP skyrocketed. I went through a lot bro. BE WISE!

Just look at the rubbish excuse some one is giving and about to dump a sweet girl that gives you peace of mind,
Over ambitious indeed, guy honestly I have not seen a good reason for you to cut off the marriage.
A girl you have not caught cheating
A Girl that listen to you
A girl that is ready to settle down and carry your child, when some girls will be after your money and how to milk you dry.
Guy, there are reasons to cut off marriage but definitely not this reason you gave, you are just getting tired of the girl and the hatred Is showing now,
From my experience such girl gave peace of mind but their only problem is not knowing when to get serious but believe me you will enjoy the marriage.
Give me a good reason

jondon11:
So I met my girl about a year ago during the start of the lockdown. We bonded real quick...she's easy-going, sorta smart, mad sexy and funny. Two months after we started dating, she moved in with me and began shuttling between my place and her sister's.

I work from home and my place is structured such that there's not much to do to maintain it. Although I work from home, I go out now and again for business and during my time out I run most of the errands...my girl ensures that it's only when I'm going out that she gets whatever she needs, from the market or errands around the area mainly cause she's often in a pant and bra watching a movie or just being lazy. She's a good cook but a lot of times I found chow coming late or not at all, and there was always raw food to prepare...sometimes her excuse for not cooking could be she couldn't get one ingredient or the other either because she didn't have cash on her or some other reason...there's mobile money just outside our gate and if she doesn't have the money she can call me to make a transfer but the main issue was laziness. I swept and mopped like 80% of the time, ran errands like 100%, cooked like 20% or the time (starved like 20% or sorted myself out someway), she did dishes 80% of the time and I brought like 100% of the money we lived on.

She is doing her MSc and our relationship started during the lockdown so she wasn't going to school. She was job searching (more like job waiting) so this gave her a lot of idle time which she spent watching Zee World or being on social media. I soon found a way to engage her in the job I do from home, and with the money she had saved in the bank (over 400K), she started work with me. I purchased a laptop for her for this purpose and so she could develop herself in other areas via online courses but she didn't do much work...working like two hours daily, very late at night...I sometimes complained but tried encouraging her as much as possible, especially when she made some success.

I'm sure you'd ask why I stayed in the relationship despite all of this? I was pussy whipped, had no other options given the nature of my work, saw some potential in her ( I know, a stupid thing to say) and thought I was in love (I'm 29 and shouldn't have been that stupid).

Fast forward to December last year, we discovered she was pregnant, a month pregnant. Told her we should keep the child and get married...she suggested we could abort since we weren't quite ready but I said what was a couple more months gonna make a difference?

Since then till now, we've been quarrelling non-stop, one issue after another of which it's mainly me raising the issues. Maybe it's the tension that comes from knowing I might be starting a family with so many unresolved issues. I've raised my concerns and told her she'd need to be more responsible in the relationship if things will work and even though she tells me she knows, I know deep down she doesn't mean it or might not be up to the task of being a married adult. From some of our talk she expects I'd take care of all the financial responsibilities and have suggested a couple of times we get help for chores (we've moved to a bigger space now) but I told her in clear terms that that's not how I imagined my life...having help for chores and the likes, besides, it's just a two-bedroom flat.

I've purchased some of the things we'd be needing for our wedding and we're supposed to do an introduction this coming week but I'm having cold feet and just want to call it off.

I'm bringing this here to know how I can manage this situation...I can be lazy but I'm a really ambitious person so this pushes me but my girl is not just lazy, but unambitious. How do I manage the situation...there's a child involved now and will need to consider the child but at the same time, I can't take on this much stress nor have my ambitions cut short because my partner is lazy.

What can I do??

You messed up big time but there is no point hitting you with a baseball bat. Marriage is an institution that primary based on commitment to meet the needs of one's partner, these needs are based on each partners requirements which ought to be stated before thinking of marriage. Based on what you said earlier, one of your requirements is you need a woman that will handle domestic chores and have a career, and her requirement is a man who will be the primary provider.
I will advice that you don't jump into marriage if you are not certain your requirements will be met, secondly it's near impossible to dish out requirements when you are married, it's more of a prenuptial agreement. I will advise you both state and document your requirements, cos it will be a guiding document for your union and an excellent reference point when issues arise.

bro please which business are you doing at home. am interested help a brother biko.
please send me emails
akindayo52@gmail.com

My Brother, ur in for alkng thing and your really bleeped up too. I hope her package doesnt come with a bad mouth, i too know stupid pride too. My Brother run now if you can, they dont worth that wahala i tell u. Dont say i didnt tell you.

She is not totally lazy, at least not in bed. Just help her improve.

Michelle55:
How do you guys do it sef? Those people selling condoms have they all died? Why are you forcing yourself to do things that your heart doesn't accept?
Be a father to your child and take some time to cool off(both of you) don't be in a haste to get married because you may end up gnashing your teeth in pure agony when things ain't going your way.
Pussy whipped indeed! You better give yourself brain before you become a shadow of yourself all in the name of trying to make things work out between you both.
Both of you are supposed to be on the same page making sure that the relationship or marriage sails smoothly, anything one sided doesn't last. Take that as a cue and halt whatever you think you are doing, after your kid is born you can decide to push through with the marriage plans if you notice any positive changes with your woman and if no changes occurs, face your child squarely and be happy.

Thanks there i can not say any better. God bless you!

You are the lazy one op. You want her to do 100% of the cleaning and also be super ambitious.

Pursuing an MS degree does not count as being ambitious, especially in Nigeria. People do masters sometimes because they couldn't secure a good employment with their bachelor's degree. Try and get get that clear.

Richy4:
BUT.....Bro, Do you want to get married to her because she is pregnant... or because you two were compatible and compliments each other?

I guess my English language has become too rustic but that's what I speak daily.. How could you call someone pursuing her masters degree unambitious?... I did not get that part please explain it in clear terms for me

I don't see what was wrong with you cleaning your own apartment my brother... it is yours.. and you are the one that dictates what happens in there.. u don't expect a stranger to mop and vacuum your apartment...

Do not rush into this thing you were trying to do buddy.. take your time.. Get your priorities right first before jumping into it..
<<<First , ask yourself and decide within u the kind of woman u would want/like to marry.. the traditional type.. or the career type (AKA 21st century ones) do not mistake the two because they are not the same....

<<<Secondly, When a lady is pregnant, It's no longer a license to wed.. Those days have gone... I believe she doesn't want this.. you were the one pushing it.. make up your mind so that she will equally know what to do with her pregnancy..

<<<Finally, Misunderstanding is not bad in a relationship and normal.. so you don't have to be scared of it... The ability to resolve it is what counts and the ability for both of u to listen to each other.. Do not make it all about you.. you.. you... I have dictated a lot of it on this write up...U kind of wanted things to go your own way most of the time....It doesn't work that way sometimes.. Learn to accommodate your partner's flaws if you can...that's one of the reasons for courtship...but if you can't we don't need to tell you what to do.....

Please take this serious advice from me. You don't have to marry her because she got pregnant for you. Continue with your relationship with her and let time dictate whether you will end up together or not. Marriage is deeper than what you think it is.

You wooed her with smooth cold canvassing till intimacy got involve

You tool your billing & cooing to another level
And landed in the other room.

You didn't think twice, you empowered her under the anointing of konji

That time, everything she tells you or triesomeone with you, you will handle with love
But now that water has passed garri
You want to improvise abi.



My advise
(1)
Repent
(2) pray for forgiveness of sins

(3)use the same strategy you used in getting her to accept the "bedmatics ministrations"

to talk seriousness into her.
Violence should not be involved.
If that one nor work

(4) PRAY FOR HER
CAUSE WHAT GOD CAN'T DO DOESN'T EXIST

SHALOM

What make you think she is lazy? And why did you slept with when you know she is lazy and not your type? Why slept with her without N50 condom or no one sale condom in your area? Finally why dating her when you know she is Lazy and lack ambition

Bro it is not fair to her you coming out here to say these about her. What you don't like no need smelling it or trying it, now preg has come.

Bro take care of that pregnant it is your responsibility then be ready to build the strong babe you wish out of her mind you not by bullying or abusing her ok. Make her your dream babe you will be surprise she might ends up the best.

Remember she is carrying your baby.

smartapps:
Pursuing an MS degree does not count as being ambitious, especially in Nigeria. People do masters sometimes because they couldn't secure a good employment with their bachelor's degree. Try and get get that clear.

... @ Bold.. But that's basically the full and perfect definition of ambitious.. showing a strong desire and determination to succeed in their quest for a Master degree so that they can get a proper and high paying job... .

ChaI

May God help you

jondon11:
So I met my girl about a year ago during the start of the lockdown. We bonded real quick...she's easy-going, sorta smart, mad sexy and funny. Two months after we started dating, she moved in with me and began shuttling between my place and her sister's.

I work from home and my place is structured such that there's not much to do to maintain it. Although I work from home, I go out now and again for business and during my time out I run most of the errands...my girl ensures that it's only when I'm going out that she gets whatever she needs, from the market or errands around the area mainly cause she's often in a pant and bra watching a movie or just being lazy. She's a good cook but a lot of times I found chow coming late or not at all, and there was always raw food to prepare...sometimes her excuse for not cooking could be she couldn't get one ingredient or the other either because she didn't have cash on her or some other reason...there's mobile money just outside our gate and if she doesn't have the money she can call me to make a transfer but the main issue was laziness. I swept and mopped like 80% of the time, ran errands like 100%, cooked like 20% or the time (starved like 20% or sorted myself out someway), she did dishes 80% of the time and I brought like 100% of the money we lived on.

She is doing her MSc and our relationship started during the lockdown so she wasn't going to school. She was job searching (more like job waiting) so this gave her a lot of idle time which she spent watching Zee World or being on social media. I soon found a way to engage her in the job I do from home, and with the money she had saved in the bank (over 400K), she started work with me. I purchased a laptop for her for this purpose and so she could develop herself in other areas via online courses but she didn't do much work...working like two hours daily, very late at night...I sometimes complained but tried encouraging her as much as possible, especially when she made some success.

I'm sure you'd ask why I stayed in the relationship despite all of this? I was pussy whipped, had no other options given the nature of my work, saw some potential in her ( I know, a stupid thing to say) and thought I was in love (I'm 29 and shouldn't have been that stupid).

Fast forward to December last year, we discovered she was pregnant, a month pregnant. Told her we should keep the child and get married...she suggested we could abort since we weren't quite ready but I said what was a couple more months gonna make a difference?

Since then till now, we've been quarrelling non-stop, one issue after another of which it's mainly me raising the issues. Maybe it's the tension that comes from knowing I might be starting a family with so many unresolved issues. I've raised my concerns and told her she'd need to be more responsible in the relationship if things will work and even though she tells me she knows, I know deep down she doesn't mean it or might not be up to the task of being a married adult. From some of our talk she expects I'd take care of all the financial responsibilities and have suggested a couple of times we get help for chores (we've moved to a bigger space now) but I told her in clear terms that that's not how I imagined my life...having help for chores and the likes, besides, it's just a two-bedroom flat.

I've purchased some of the things we'd be needing for our wedding and we're supposed to do an introduction this coming week but I'm having cold feet and just want to call it off.

I'm bringing this here to know how I can manage this situation...I can be lazy but I'm a really ambitious person so this pushes me but my girl is not just lazy, but unambitious. How do I manage the situation...there's a child involved now and will need to consider the child but at the same time, I can't take on this much stress nor have my ambitions cut short because my partner is lazy.

What can I do??

Sorry for this predicament, whether you caused it or not doesn't matter.

My advice: Please never get married to a woman you do not truly love, cannot live with or cannot cope with her excesses; otherwise, your life will be very miserable.

Remain steadfast in your God.

You can take the camel to the river but you can't force it to drink.


Starting a family without having the other party putting in his/ her side of the effort is going to be problematic.

Try and get her people to counsel her and if she listens them it's a good one.

I pray your child doesn't grow up without both parents in the home.

ravensckar:
This issue is the easiest that I have come across. With a little bit of understanding, both of them will have a perfect marriage. Now, let's analyze the issue. She's educated, but you think she's unambitious. That's a lie! She just doesn't enjoy doing whatever job you're pushing her to for reasons best known to her. Bros, I'd advise you take her out for dinner one beautiful night and calmly ask her what type of job she'd like to go into. You'll be amazed. My wife is a degree holder, but prefers owning her own shop. I once forced her to work for a company, it almost killed her self-esteem. But now that she's in her preferred area, she's shining.


Secondly, on the issue of laziness. I think you just need to sit down with men and let them tell you first-hand what marriage entails. Almost all women find chores stressful. They enjoy roaming the house naked, watching television and enjoying themselves. Who wouldn't? I'll advise you play a trick on her. Whenever you return from work, tell her the usual line; 'work was stressful today, this and that happened bla bla bla'. Then, proceed to cleaning the house in her presence. Do it with a smile on your face. Trust me, her conscience will prick her. Some women are like that, words and threats won't work on them. Just appeal to their conscience. I believe your lady is a wonderful person since she isn't even pretending to be hardworking just to trick you into marrying her.


Thirdly, on the issue of pregnancy and the everyday drama that comes with it. Bros, I'll be very honest with you. The initial stage of marriage is filled with drama. Do you know why? Both of you ain't used to each other yet. You're beginning to observe the unpleasant sides of each other. Now, what's the solution to this? Take your minds off the negatives and focus on the positives. Think of the stuffs that your wife is good at and let it motivate you to want to make your marriage work. Compliment her for it, and tell her to her face that she's the best in that area. Then, watch her try to improve on her weak areas. It's a bit complex than how I've put it, I pray you find a way around it.

PS- It took my wife more than 4 years to understand that she has to tidy the house before going to shop. You can guess who was doing the cleaning for those 4 years. Lolz. Marriage hard o, but again, compared to what?

Powerful! This is my mind but I know I cannot put it together this way. Only if op will neglect other may Sayers and follow this perfect opinion.

I see a beautiful marriage in both of them

My brother... don't back out from the wedding program...there is no perfect lady out there.Here is my advice...call her one on one..and explain things to her.Tell her how you feel and what you are contemplating. Assess her reaction...let her understand your vision of an adequate wife. Tell her in straight terms what u expect from her....OK?

But go ahead with your wedding plans...God will make a way. If you go to church..tell your Pastor and ask him to talk with your wife.

It is well with your soul.

Olayetan:


You made a very sensible point,

I don’t know why OP is just jumping into conclusion, OP is already getting turned off even before the main relationship kick off and with that mentality, I fear their case may be added to divorce case we have on ground.


@OP, pls give the relationship the best to work out, you can invest in any business for her to manage and see if she will manage it well, just ask her what kind of business she will like to do and invest in it for her.


Relationship is tolerance and endurance, if any relationship lack that, nothing can make it last.

The mentality is seriously a problem. They are changing their opinion like underwear.