izuch:
Bro trust me, you don't need advice, what you need is a clinical psychologist. You've obviously inherited suicidal ideation from your mother, since you're having ruminations about the possibility of ending your life. It is not a diagnosis, but is a symptom of some mental disorders. The worst is that is "active suicidal ideation" if it was passive I would have just directed you to one aladura church in my neighbourhood, a good flogging and starvation for a couple of days would dispense the evil intrusive thought. My diagnosis?? You're mad QED

Exprofressor:

Thank you. I will do as you say
I really appreciate

InTheCloudySky:
Dear OP,

try the following:

Grief counseling. See a certified grief counselor to help you process what happened and to provide emotional support to you.

Grief support group. If you can find one to join, join. Otherwise, check out grieving.com, or check FB's groups.

Forgive yourself. Even though you feel your mom's passing was your fault and you could've prevented it, both of which are false beliefs that you've been carrying around, forgive yourself. The grief counseling should help you with this.

Letter. Write a letter to your mom and tell her everything you're feeling, anything you want to tell her, anything you wish you had told her. However long you want it to be is up to you. Go to the nearest ocean, lake, or river, and throw it in. Keep a copy of it for your own records.

Trust God and His word. Death is not the end, but rather the beginning of eternal life.

Romans 6: 8-9 ―
"Now if we be dead with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with him. Knowing that Christ being raised from the dead dieth no more; death hath no more dominion over him".


My heart goes out to you. May God comfort you. May your mom's soul rest in everlasting peace, amen.

buttlover:
The way I laugh out loud when alone e people will think that I am mad. No I am actually trying to stay lovely with myself. Op I hate people too especially those that blow big pidgin English (broken). They are frustrating and lousy. Just find something that makes you happy. For me having sex a lot with lovely young girls and eating good delicacy makes me happy. I wish I can have enough money in the bank, I wouldn't need anyone at all just my Lovely Dog and me.

KillMNKnow:
Hmm IPOB scammers

Mikirolex:
Thank you for taking out time to share your story with us.I understand your limitations where due to the childhood asthma which your dad never recognized.You don't have to blame your self for your mum's death.You have challenges you where fighting.
Thank you for considering your brother regarding his pains when you die.All you need now is psychotherapy.You need to go to a teaching hospital in your area to see the mental health unit for counseling.In no distant time, you will be fully rehabilitated.
I would advice you call your girlfriend and apologize to her because you need to start a new life, and have children who would care for you at old age.
God bless you real good for sharing this pathetic story.DONT EVER BLAME YOURSELF.YOUR NEVER CAUSED YOUR MOTHER'S DEATH.
Thank you

3coins:
I don’t know why many people don’t understand that there is never Total and absolute happiness in this world. There are ways to feel at peace with yourself and that is what you don’t have.
First, you have to find a way to stop blaming yourself for your mother’s death because your reason for not wanting to relocate to the north was very valid. as A grown human has to make decisions that would better his/her life. You could have done other things to help her though but there is no point talking about them now.

Now, I have to say that you will never be a peace with yourself if you keep holding yourself back from helping people you know are in genuine need. Trust me, that happiness you will cause other people from very little kind deeds will always find a way of returning back to you and it will drastically help with your depression.

I hope you find reasons to stay alive and stop every thought of suicide as you can get through whatever you are going through if you decided to fight.

beautyhd:
You start by forgiving yourself for not being there for your mom.

Stay closer or communicate more with your brother since he has more positive attitude.

You chose to be like this, both of you had same parents but he turned out better.

Forgiving your dad will be difficult but you'll have to for closure and your own peace of mind.
What of your other sister, no mention of her in your write up.

Learning how to give as an adult will be difficult, but try an locate an orphanage near you. Get some gifts and visit them, don't just drop the gifts and move, play with the kids and I bet you when you're done and home your view towards life and giving will change.

Be good and positive and avoid bitter people and peeps with negative vibes.

Exprofressor:
I will try to be brief as I can. Pls read on

I was born in a broken home from two different tribes in the country.
My late mom was a lecturer in one of the state polytechnics though she resigned her job when she couldn't cope with her mental illness. Me and my siblings were only in primary school then

My dad showed no concern for her health and came back to his hometown engaging himself in politics that have benefitted him nothing.

Me and my elder bro grew up with our dad while my two little sisters stayed with my mom, though we lost our last born the year 2005

I grew up with asthma and lacked mother's care. My dad and extended family even my grannies disliked me because they taught I was slow and couldn't cope with my mates

The truth is that my asthma was severe. I couldn't move an itch without my inhaler. The abuse got worse when in my early youth I couldn't do basic work to earn like my mates by working on building sites.

I was called lazy and the day I tried to prove I wasn't lazy, I nearly died of cement dust

My mom died last year April
She died poor and in pains due to liver disease.

I didn't remember giving my mom anything substantial before her demise, though i didn't have, but I feel I wasted my early youth by not making use of the best opportunity that presented itself after I left secondary which would have bettered me

Few years before her death she pleaded I move to stay with her. I couldn't because she lives in Northern Nigeria and there's no job in the area. I am in deep pains!

My mum mental health resulted to her adding hypo in her food and water claiming it's a cure for BP.(she also have BP)
I feel I am responsible for her death and hate myself for not reaching for my mom when she needs me. If I was around she wouldn't have drank hypo occasionally thereby destroying her liver


Now I feel I am becoming a demon. I hate helping people, infact when I see people in need I withhold any kind of help because God didn't give me chance to offer help to the woman I love most. I think because I couldn't do for my late mom no one is worth it.

My lack of empathy is growing by the day.
My girlfriend left, saying she couldn't cope, she says I have to start forgiving myself.
Do you believe I refused rendering help to my dad when he had accident? This was even before my mom died

I have taught about suicide but I can't just imagine how my bro will feel. Despite causing him pains too, he have always tolerated me and I know the damage my death will cause him. I wish I was never his brother


Pls I am tired of being angry and depressed
Is there a remedy for me? Sometime I think I behave abnormal, I really don't know if I am mentally insufficient too

oldienavie:
I know you have only written just a few from what you have passed through.
Let me tell you some things.
Nigeria is an evil place, majority of people in Nigeria are evil too, therefore the average person grow up in the midst of abuse, torture, pain etc.
95% of people in Nigeria are traumatised from the pain and evil they grew up with, the worse thing is that this has now be normalised and the result is a country lacking in empathy, desensitized to pain and evil in all its fabric.
You see police men, killing people without remorse, swapping inmates for the highest bidder and allowing the guilty walk free.they expect u to man up with nothing. I always tell anybody that cross my path"if you are surviving on inherance,don't call ur friends lazy becos u don't know how it feels to be neglected.

I have written all this so that you know you are not alone, some people on this group have been abused by their own parents sexually for years, how do you heal that kind of trauma, no justice nothing.

Every body expects you to man up and move on.

Now this is my little advise from someone who also had a traumatic childhood like you, but in my own case, people would argue that I should be grateful cos some people have it worse.

The fact you are alive is a priviledge, try to forgive yourself, move away from anything, family, friends that triggers the thought of the past .
This might sound somehow but try to look for a lady that loves you sincerely(this might be difficult but still possible considering the average lady out there is a gold digger) and pour your love into her.

Lastly, dream of having your own family and have a plan to raise your kids and family with the opportunity that you did not have.

The joy you get from a beautiful family will make you forget the past.

I wish you all the best.

everythinggirly:
Please cheer up and take a break off thoughts. Visit relaxation centres and take yourself out. Depression should be the last thing for a promising future of your kids. Patronize your girl: I do research writing for MSc and PhD.

Exprofressor:
I will try to be brief as I can. Pls read on

I was born in a broken home from two different tribes in the country.
My late mom was a lecturer in one of the state polytechnics though she resigned her job when she couldn't cope with her mental illness. Me and my siblings were only in primary school then

My dad showed no concern for her health and came back to his hometown engaging himself in politics that have benefitted him nothing.

Me and my elder bro grew up with our dad while my two little sisters stayed with my mom, though we lost our last born the year 2005

I grew up with asthma and lacked mother's care. My dad and extended family even my grannies disliked me because they taught I was slow and couldn't cope with my mates

The truth is that my asthma was severe. I couldn't move an itch without my inhaler. The abuse got worse when in my early youth I couldn't do basic work to earn like my mates by working on building sites.

I was called lazy and the day I tried to prove I wasn't lazy, I nearly died of cement dust

My mom died last year April
She died poor and in pains due to liver disease.

I didn't remember giving my mom anything substantial before her demise, though i didn't have, but I feel I wasted my early youth by not making use of the best opportunity that presented itself after I left secondary which would have bettered me

Few years before her death she pleaded I move to stay with her. I couldn't because she lives in Northern Nigeria and there's no job in the area. I am in deep pains!

My mum mental health resulted to her adding hypo in her food and water claiming it's a cure for BP.(she also have BP)
I feel I am responsible for her death and hate myself for not reaching for my mom when she needs me. If I was around she wouldn't have drank hypo occasionally thereby destroying her liver


Now I feel I am becoming a demon. I hate helping people, infact when I see people in need I withhold any kind of help because God didn't give me chance to offer help to the woman I love most. I think because I couldn't do for my late mom no one is worth it.

My lack of empathy is growing by the day.
My girlfriend left, saying she couldn't cope, she says I have to start forgiving myself.
Do you believe I refused rendering help to my dad when he had accident? This was even before my mom died

I have taught about suicide but I can't just imagine how my bro will feel. Despite causing him pains too, he have always tolerated me and I know the damage my death will cause him. I wish I was never his brother


Pls I am tired of being angry and depressed
Is there a remedy for me? Sometime I think I behave abnormal, I really don't know if I am mentally insufficient too

Exprofressor:
I will try to be brief as I can. Pls read on

I was born in a broken home from two different tribes in the country.
My late mom was a lecturer in one of the state polytechnics though she resigned her job when she couldn't cope with her mental illness. Me and my siblings were only in primary school then

My dad showed no concern for her health and came back to his hometown engaging himself in politics that have benefitted him nothing.

Me and my elder bro grew up with our dad while my two little sisters stayed with my mom, though we lost our last born the year 2005

I grew up with asthma and lacked mother's care. My dad and extended family even my grannies disliked me because they taught I was slow and couldn't cope with my mates

The truth is that my asthma was severe. I couldn't move an itch without my inhaler. The abuse got worse when in my early youth I couldn't do basic work to earn like my mates by working on building sites.

I was called lazy and the day I tried to prove I wasn't lazy, I nearly died of cement dust

My mom died last year April
She died poor and in pains due to liver disease.

I didn't remember giving my mom anything substantial before her demise, though i didn't have, but I feel I wasted my early youth by not making use of the best opportunity that presented itself after I left secondary which would have bettered me

Few years before her death she pleaded I move to stay with her. I couldn't because she lives in Northern Nigeria and there's no job in the area. I am in deep pains!

My mum mental health resulted to her adding hypo in her food and water claiming it's a cure for BP.(she also have BP)
I feel I am responsible for her death and hate myself for not reaching for my mom when she needs me. If I was around she wouldn't have drank hypo occasionally thereby destroying her liver


Now I feel I am becoming a demon. I hate helping people, infact when I see people in need I withhold any kind of help because God didn't give me chance to offer help to the woman I love most. I think because I couldn't do for my late mom no one is worth it.

My lack of empathy is growing by the day.
My girlfriend left, saying she couldn't cope, she says I have to start forgiving myself.
Do you believe I refused rendering help to my dad when he had accident? This was even before my mom died

I have taught about suicide but I can't just imagine how my bro will feel. Despite causing him pains too, he have always tolerated me and I know the damage my death will cause him. I wish I was never his brother


Pls I am tired of being angry and depressed
Is there a remedy for me? Sometime I think I behave abnormal, I really don't know if I am mentally insufficient too

Exprofressor:
I will try to be brief as I can. Pls read on

I was born in a broken home from two different tribes in the country.
My late mom was a lecturer in one of the state polytechnics though she resigned her job when she couldn't cope with her mental illness. Me and my siblings were only in primary school then

My dad showed no concern for her health and came back to his hometown engaging himself in politics that have benefitted him nothing.

Me and my elder bro grew up with our dad while my two little sisters stayed with my mom, though we lost our last born the year 2005

I grew up with asthma and lacked mother's care. My dad and extended family even my grannies disliked me because they taught I was slow and couldn't cope with my mates

The truth is that my asthma was severe. I couldn't move an itch without my inhaler. The abuse got worse when in my early youth I couldn't do basic work to earn like my mates by working on building sites.

I was called lazy and the day I tried to prove I wasn't lazy, I nearly died of cement dust

My mom died last year April
She died poor and in pains due to liver disease.

I didn't remember giving my mom anything substantial before her demise, though i didn't have, but I feel I wasted my early youth by not making use of the best opportunity that presented itself after I left secondary which would have bettered me

Few years before her death she pleaded I move to stay with her. I couldn't because she lives in Northern Nigeria and there's no job in the area. I am in deep pains!

My mum mental health resulted to her adding hypo in her food and water claiming it's a cure for BP.(she also have BP)
I feel I am responsible for her death and hate myself for not reaching for my mom when she needs me. If I was around she wouldn't have drank hypo occasionally thereby destroying her liver


Now I feel I am becoming a demon. I hate helping people, infact when I see people in need I withhold any kind of help because God didn't give me chance to offer help to the woman I love most. I think because I couldn't do for my late mom no one is worth it.

My lack of empathy is growing by the day.
My girlfriend left, saying she couldn't cope, she says I have to start forgiving myself.
Do you believe I refused rendering help to my dad when he had accident? This was even before my mom died

I have taught about suicide but I can't just imagine how my bro will feel. Despite causing him pains too, he have always tolerated me and I know the damage my death will cause him. I wish I was never his brother


Pls I am tired of being angry and depressed
Is there a remedy for me? Sometime I think I behave abnormal, I really don't know if I am mentally insufficient too