wahala be like bicycle, so someone in his 30 living in family house should not get married again? well, that the guy still dey hustle now doesn't mean he will not make it, I can see some saying that someone in his 30 without house should not think of marriage where as most of those nairaland billionaire are 45+ living in a rented apartment o, biko let the poor girl decide her life, if she's comfortable living with the family fine...a brother get married and even gave birth to a child in their family house but now he has 2 houses and a car, what God cannot do does not exist.

Ishilove:

These two statements are in direct contradiction of each other. After she is married, she becomes her husband's responsibility.

When you have a daughter or a sister or a niece , you'll understand that they will always be your responsibility even if they die , you'll still be thinking about them , I have siblings that I love and I believe in any situation they will always be a priority , it's the same way a parent will feel or in this case , her uncle

Mariangeles:


If I live in the slums, so?
Does that make you better than me?
Do you think you’re better than those living in the slums?

Shame on you!
What a gossip!

Don't feel bad baby.

I personally don't care where you live as long as you've got a plan to move upwards.



But what's obtainable and acceptable there is not the reality everywhere else.


I am Yoruba and I feel revolted by this proposal.

semanose:
@BluntTheApostle

I have deep regrets getting married in a family house.

For a whole decade I have been trying to erase the effect of that decision from my life.

It's traumatic,
No breathing space
You get enemies if you take sides


A couple starting life needs all the privacy they can get.

Not people telling them how to eat, sleep, sit down or live their life.

Your life become public knowledge.

You need to inform everyone about your movements.

Stop her before she gets into what will ruin her fast.

Trust your instincts.

If you feel the man is manipulating her.

Then he is.

Hope your baby has a job or business she is running?

My gut tells me he is manipulating her.

You see this girl, I have known her way before her father died, way before she became my responsibility. This is someone who has always liked her space. I see her at least three times every week. There are times when she would stay long at my place, and I will tell her to sleep over, but she will be saying, "I am missing my mummy." Her mother can testify to it that she doesn't like wahala. Even when her father was alive, I was about the only relative whose house she visited. And I can understand that it is because I am a bachelor. No crowd. So, what has changed? She wants to go and live in a house that is a barracks. Someone that I have known to like her space.

It is understandable if she has travelled away from home for like 4-5 months, and then returned. I can say that perhaps life has taught her how to liven up. But this is someone I see 2-3 times every other week. She grew up right under my nose.

I am convinced she is being manipulated.

There are other reasons as well, which if I give may deflate attention away from the emergency purpose of this thread.

jamess32:
wahala be like bicycle, so someone in his 30 living in family house should not get married again? well, that the guy still dey hustle now doesn't mean he will not make it, I can see some saying that someone in his 30 without house should not think of marriage where as most of those nairaland billionaire are 45+ living in a rented apartment o, biko let the poor girl decide her life, if she's comfortable living with the family fine...a brother get married and even gave birth to a child in their family house but now he has 2 houses and a car, what God cannot do does not exist.

No one says a 30 year old man in that situation should not marry but please respect the lady enough to place her in her own room, even if it's small.

Ishilove:

According to the OP, the mum doesn't support the marriage as well.

Personally I think the girl is being overindulged. If her sponsor, in this case the OP and her mother put their foot down and insist she gets at least her HND first before she thinks of marriage, I believe she will farabale

By the time she completes everything , her eye fit don clear or he might've found another naive princess to replace her , that's how my bff's ex asked her to marry him , broke , jobless , still in school for BSc and she said MBA oh ,he was like he'll marry someone else if she doesn't accept that he needs someone to grow with him , see the audacity

JoyousFurnitire:


Not even in the slum, talk maybe other states that they have this compound-family thing, I haven't been there so I'll reason a little because it's their home and their compound.

In slums here most live in rented apartments of about a room or two and houses in slums are so small with little to no yard.

Na that kind place a 30 year old wan marry? Inside him papa rented one room?

Besides a room in some part of Lagos (outskirts) cost about 250k and we have lot of young people even Gen Z moving out to their own.

I've seen few cases like this but it's only when hard times hit. Not a freeloading husband looking for uncle to fund his wedding.


Even a simple wedding with 10 guests is better than lavish wedding on credit.


What do people like me know sha. Toor.

Iyaebe:
Living in husband's family house while married is a disaster, ladies should not be deceived by that deceitful words like "his family is my family" your eyes will clear when troubles set in (which you can't totally avoid because fighting your in-laws is like the air we breath, you can't avoid it,just choose your fights wisely by avoiding the very elderly ones but be strong and ready for those young ones that'll come and test you).It's a hard and enduring decision on it's own to marry a man that does not own a house not to talk of marrying one that'll put you in a rent but going further to marry one that'll put you in his family house is what I can't explain.Let me stop here before my nairaland Chief judges begin to rant.

you are not talking of experience, Biko sheath ur sword let the married ones comment first

Danyyyyyyyyyyy:


It's very true , she might even use her fees to support "hustling gig " that might crash one day

As in eh, the husband will collect the money and frustrate his efforts to make the girl's life better.


It's a hard journey to marry into this kind of situation.

Saintmary:



Don't feel bad baby.

Rather, you should stop being in denial and tell yourself that.

I personally don't care where you live as long as you've got a plan to move upwards.



But what's obtainable and acceptable there is not the reality everywhere else.


I am Yoruba and I feel revolted by this proposal.

You don’t care, yet you concluded in your little mind that I live in the slums, to make yourself feel good?

Klass99:


And for a young woman of 21, the manipulation and initimidation will be so easy to carry out on her. My verdict, she can do better!

Just the comment I was looking for.

She’d be USED!!!

Saintmary:

I've seen few cases like this but it's only when hard times hit.

And maybe when irresponsible kids indulge in unprotected sex.

Mariangeles:


Rather, you should stop being in denial and tell yourself that.



You don’t care, yet you concluded in your little mind that I live in the slums, to make yourself feel good?

I just deduced from your posts.


If you're familiar with well to do or at least middle class Yoruba people, then your views won't be that narrow.



I have seen, worked with, lived with,and interacted with All people from all walks of life, rich and poor, from every major tribe in this country, but I don't generalise because for every case, there's always an exception.

JoyousFurnitire:


And maybe when irresponsible kids indulge in unprotected sex.

True

BluntTheApostle:
A few weeks back, my niece brought a man to me and introduced him as the one she wishes to marry.

Her father died while she was about 15, and I have been the one taking care of her, through school and all. So, she sees me as her father.

Alright, so she brought this young man to me. I have nothing against him. He is finishing up a master's degree, and even though he is not into anything really specific (he is a hustler sort of a person, combining different jobs), I do not have a problem with that. He appears focused, and really hardworking.

However, the problem is that he does not have a place of his own, and does not appear to have any plans in that direction.

So, last week, I asked him a whole lot of questions, and it appears like he would be marrying my baby, and she would live with him in their family house. Other families living there include the man's aged parents, some uncles and aunties, and their children. He was not specific whether aunties or uncles included blood relations and their spouses. I didn't press him on that.

Now, I have also sat my niece down, and had a chat with her. She is only 20+ (would be 21 in June). I tried to be as neutral as possible, but I may have been too blunt sometimes because she has been defensive, including accusing me of not wanting to fund the wedding.

Her mother reasons with me, but the girl has become deaf. She doesn't want to listen.

My point is that the wedding can be put on hold till the young man makes a firm decision on accommodation. All this: "I will consider it; I am considering it; it is a part of my plan" is not conclusive at all, and I don't want her to go and start her married life under the same roof with so many people.

The man is 30 (although he looks older to me), and I am beginning to feel that he is manipulating her.

What do you think?

Which of you has experienced living in your husband's family house? How was the experience?

For me, I think of it just like living in a polygamous family, and it makes me uneasy because this girl is too young, and too fragile.

Your opinions and experiences are highly welcome.

It may be all that I would need to reach a decision concerning this knotty issue.

Is a total disaster ooo talking from experience stop that wedding if you can till he secure his own apartment , my one cent

samuel051:
How old is Jesus,I still haven't heard he rented an apartment while on earth or over there in heaven while there are many rooms in his father's mansion.

BluntTheApostle, is your niece on nairaland?

Kobojunkie:
BluntTheApostle, is your niece on nairaland?

Frankly, I don't know.

BluntTheApostle:
Frankly, I don't know.

Na that kain girl nairaland fit help burst that delusion bubble wey dey her head so.

Tell her your fears, and ask her to seek opinion of others here on nairaland, from all parts of Nigeria and the world, about the wisdom of what she is attempting to do to her self. Since she seems set in her ways, what have you got to loose?

Saintmary:



I just deduced from your posts.


If you're familiar with well to do or at least middle class Yoruba people, then your views won't be that narrow.



I have seen, worked with, lived with,and interacted with All people from all walks of life, rich and poor, from every major tribe in this country, but I don't generalise because for every case, there's always an exception.

Yinmu!

You deduced nothing, you’re just in denial, but if that’ll make you sleep well tonight, then it’s fine by me.

Simi!

Kobojunkie:
BluntTheApostle, is your niece on nairaland?

Kobo, gbeborun!

Kwinesther:
In Yoruba tribe both families are financially responsible for weddings. Infact most times, a reasonable part of the wedding is financed by the bride's family.

Wow.
I never knew.

Mariangeles:
Kobo, gbeborun!

Gbe-wetin? No, nothing of the sort. I see a girl here about to ruin her life at the wee age of 20 in the year 2022, and I think, if her mother and relatives can't seem to get to her, then maybe a dose of reality from others might do the trick.

It's 2022, nobody in their right senses should be signing up for a life of slavery in the name of love. And no female child deserves to have her future truncated by the same mistakes our ancestors made and regretted.

Middle class Yoruba doesn't represent all Yoruba population. I am surprised you are arguing about this.

Saintmary:



I just deduced from your posts.


If you're familiar with well to do or at least middle class Yoruba people, then your views won't be that narrow.



I have seen, worked with, lived with,and interacted with All people from all walks of life, rich and poor, from every major tribe in this country, but I don't generalise because for every case, there's always an exception.

Iyaebe:
Shut up and start planning to own a house of your own before ever thinking of bringing somebody's daughter for your families to devour. Your reasoning sucks,may God not let someone like you cross our path.

Amen

Sterope:
Middle class Yoruba doesn't represent all Yoruba population. I am surprised you are arguing about this.

I mentioned well to do, then middle class.

It's about standards. No one wants their children in this situation unless they have no other choice, (or maybe if they're no more which is the case here) Not even people going through hard times.


I'm only pointing out the absurdity of it all.

Dear OP I will like to comment but I just can't type. What you are experiencing is exactly what I did. I will like to share it with you because if would help you more in making decision. 07087776267 just flash me, I go call you myself... I have also sent you a mail. I want to speak to you and advice you. Good night.

Kobojunkie:
Gbe-wetin? No, nothing of the sort. I see a girl here about to ruin her life at the wee age of 20 in the year 2022, and I think, if her mother and relatives can't seem to get to her, then maybe a dose of reality from others might do the trick.

It's 2022, nobody in their right senses should be signing up for a life of slavery in the name of love. And no female child deserves to have her future truncated by the same mistakes our ancestors made and regretted.

What if her life doesn’t get ruined?
What if the family are welcoming?
What if they’re (the couple) happy being together?
What if things work out for them?
What if the guy gets a good job (which he certainly will) and they move to their own place?
The young lady has a skill and is even qualified to teach, so I don’t know what slavery you’re talking about.

I think what the op should do is to call the both of them, and ask the guy what his future plans are, than to outrightly disapprove of their relationship.

Mariangeles:
Is your niece marrying into an Indian family?

Anyways, find a way to solve the issue amicably, before she “accidentally” falls pregnant for the guy.

lmaoooo

Are you the one getting married ? What's the talk about you funding the wedding please.

Do you think the guy earns enough to cater for himself at this point or is still eating from the general pot ? if yes, then i think in my opinion that that your marriage gift to them would be renting them an apartment even if it is a 1 bedroom apartment, that way you would have saved your niece any would be traumatic experience. Also from your discuss with him was he also emotionally ready for marriage too. these are all too important considerations.

If no, then unfortunately that man isn't exactly ready for marriage, be sure your niece isn't even pregnant already too.

Please put your foot on the ground on the issue cos a man that wants to marry, usually does some preparations e.g. getting his own place, furnishing it even if its sparingly e.t.c. All the best.

BluntTheApostle:


I just need some assurance that it is not bad.

Because I don't think I may be able to hold the wedding for long.

She thinks I am against the wedding because I don't want to fund it.

Recently, I have had some change in fortune. Something she knows about. Now, she thinks my reluctance to accept the man is due to my financial situation.

But that is not the issue.

Mariangeles:
What if her life doesn’t get ruined?
What if the family are welcoming?
What if they’re (the couple) happy being together?
What if things work out for them?
What if the guy gets a good job (which he certainly will) and they move to their own place?
The young lady has a skill and is even qualified to teach, so I don’t know what slavery you’re talking about.

I think what the op should do is to call the both of them, and ask the guy what his future plans are, than to outrightly disapprove of their relationship.

You are right that there are slim chances that this turns out great for her, but never wrong to make sure that she has a 360 idea of what she might be getting herself into.

She has a skill but no actual experience doing any of what you claim she is skilled at? That is what what brings to "the table"?

What is a 20-year old love struck girl going to say during such a meeting? At 20, how many of all you planned ever panned out the way you intended? How many of your "what-if's" at that age did you end up realizing?

BluntTheApostle:
A few weeks back, my niece brought a man to me and introduced him as the one she wishes to marry.

Her father died while she was about 15, and I have been the one taking care of her, through school and all. So, she sees me as her father.

Alright, so she brought this young man to me. I have nothing against him. He is finishing up a master's degree, and even though he is not into anything really specific (he is a hustler sort of a person, combining different jobs), I do not have a problem with that. He appears focused, and really hardworking.

However, the problem is that he does not have a place of his own, and does not appear to have any plans in that direction.

So, last week, I asked him a whole lot of questions, and it appears like he would be marrying my baby, and she would live with him in their family house. Other families living there include the man's aged parents, some uncles and aunties, and their children. He was not specific whether aunties or uncles included blood relations and their spouses. I didn't press him on that.

Now, I have also sat my niece down, and had a chat with her. She is only 20+ (would be 21 in June). I tried to be as neutral as possible, but I may have been too blunt sometimes because she has been defensive, including accusing me of not wanting to fund the wedding.

Her mother reasons with me, but the girl has become deaf. She doesn't want to listen.

My point is that the wedding can be put on hold till the young man makes a firm decision on accommodation. All this: "I will consider it; I am considering it; it is a part of my plan" is not conclusive at all, and I don't want her to go and start her married life under the same roof with so many people.

The man is 30 (although he looks older to me), and I am beginning to feel that he is manipulating her.

What do you think?

Which of you has experienced living in your husband's family house? How was the experience?

For me, I think of it just like living in a polygamous family, and it makes me uneasy because this girl is too young, and too fragile.

Your opinions and experiences are highly welcome.

It may be all that I would need to reach a decision concerning this knotty issue.

That marriage must not hold.

Men like that always go for young girls like your niece because at that age, dem never get sense fully and are easy to manipulate.

Why can't he go for 25 upwards? It's because he knows those women are wiser and will question if he is man enough.

If your niece foolishly marries that man, na suffer oo... obituary join.