Kobojunkie:
Huh?

That suggestion amounts to foolishness no matter which continent you try to spin it from abeg.

BluntTheApostle:
A few weeks back, my niece brought a man to me and introduced him as the one she wishes to marry.

Her father died while she was about 15, and I have been the one taking care of her, through school and all. So, she sees me as her father.

Alright, so she brought this young man to me. I have nothing against him. He is finishing up a master's degree, and even though he is not into anything really specific (he is a hustler sort of a person, combining different jobs), I do not have a problem with that. He appears focused, and really hardworking.

However, the problem is that he does not have a place of his own, and does not appear to have any plans in that direction.

So, last week, I asked him a whole lot of questions, and it appears like he would be marrying my baby, and she would live with him in their family house. Other families living there include the man's aged parents, some uncles and aunties, and their children. He was not specific whether aunties or uncles included blood relations and their spouses. I didn't press him on that.

Now, I have also sat my niece down, and had a chat with her. She is only 20+ (would be 21 in June). I tried to be as neutral as possible, but I may have been too blunt sometimes because she has been defensive, including accusing me of not wanting to fund the wedding.

Her mother reasons with me, but the girl has become deaf. She doesn't want to listen.

My point is that the wedding can be put on hold till the young man makes a firm decision on accommodation. All this: "I will consider it; I am considering it; it is a part of my plan" is not conclusive at all, and I don't want her to go and start her married life under the same roof with so many people.

The man is 30 (although he looks older to me), and I am beginning to feel that he is manipulating her.

What do you think?

Which of you has experienced living in your husband's family house? How was the experience?

For me, I think of it just like living in a polygamous family, and it makes me uneasy because this girl is too young, and too fragile.

Your opinions and experiences are highly welcome.

It may be all that I would need to reach a decision concerning this knotty issue.

Solatium:
Yes it's foolish to you because you follow the crowd,you follow the senseless act that has become a tradition
Have you asked yourself why kids from Rich family finds their feet's quicker in life?
it's because of leverage like this,you see babangida pikin getting married and they were given house's, car's and money,do you think their parents are foolish?

BluntTheApostle:


Thank you.

Klass99:


From where I stand, it is not a great idea for a host of reasons. Some of which, you have already highlighted in your original post.

1. There will be too many people getting all up in their business in such a setting. A young marriage doesn't need that sort of interference or pressure.

2. To borrow your own words......The problem is that he does not have a place of his own, and does not appear to have any plans in that direction.

3. Another valid point from you....... All this: "I will consider it; I am considering it; it is a part of my plan" is not conclusive at all.

4. I don't know about other people, but having a place of my own and living by myself has immensely contributed to my being responsible. Because, you learn the value of prioritizing your bills and paying them on time too, to avoid embarrassment from your landlord or co-tenants. Does this man have that sort of experience? Or is he comfortable letting others pick up the tab in their household? Independent living is a helpful part of adulting.

5. A childhood friend (let's call her Nikky) was in a similar setting some years ago, there were rumours that her father in-law was a diabolical man. When she gave birth once (stillbirth) father in-law took the infant's corpse at night to bury, by himself with no one else in attendance for this funeral.

She was never able to carry a pregnancy to full term and never had a child in that marriage. One of my classmates who is from the same village/local govt as Nikky's in-laws, once said if Nikky knew the sort of family she married into, fasting and prayers would be her daily bread.

Diabolical rumours and issues aside, living in close proximity with in-laws like Nikky did, was never a healthy situation in my opinion. Nikky is divorced today.

6. Las las, let your niece marry and face all the consequences of her choice, good or bad. The unfortunate thing is that, if the consequences are bad you will still bear the brunt of it.

Kobojunkie:
Me? Follow the crowd? I am afraid you have got the wrong person. I almost never do that...didn't as a youngin and never as an adult..

We are not here comparing kids from rich families to poor ones, so let's not make this what it isn't. This is a case of a young man with no known plans of moving out of his family house even after marriage. He doesn't even seem to have considered it, talk less of having plans for such. What is accomplished by getting someone like that an apartment?

Solatium:
Not comparing rich kids with poor kids,i only highlight why rich kids find their foot quickly in life and this is one of the reasons,they give them something to leverage on.

1. How do you know the Young Man has no plan of moving out of the family house? if he could get himself a job and he's living within what he earns how then can you say he has no plan?

2. If the family house he lives in is a mansion somewhere in Ikoyi or Asokoro will this aproko uncle be saying the same thing? will your own position still be the same as this?

BluntTheApostle:


I am Yoruba.

The family is Yoruba too. But I didn't grow up that way, and so too did my niece.

So, I don't know how she would cope.

BluntTheApostle:


I am Yoruba.

The family is Yoruba too. But I didn't grow up that way, and so too did my niece.

So, I don't know how she would cope.

Kobojunkie:
1. The Op made it known the young man expressed no certain plains to move out of his family's abode in the near future.

Also, we don't know that the reason why he has no immediate plan has anything to do with his not having a job so can we please stop with the suppositions. We have here a man with no steady source of income yet that hasn't stopped him from seeking to marry this here gal here. Na to get apartment you want make we believe be bigger commitment than that..

2. I don't care of the mansion is in aso Rock, so long as this man plans to marry without a steady source of income, or ambition to boot, and no plan to get his own place or space, then these are sure reasons the young gal's folks should be concerned about.

rita25:
ALLOW HER WHEN HER EYE CLEAR SHE WILL SEE BUT JUST WARN HER STRENLY THAT SHE MUST NOT LEAVE AS YOU HAVE NO PLACE TO ACCOMODATE HER.....ALLOW HER OOO....I STAYED IN FAMILY HOUSE 1ST YEAR OF MY MARRIAGE 10YRS LATER I HAVNT RECOVERED FROM THE BITTERNESS AND PAIN OF MY SISTER INLAWS AND MOTHER INLAW.....

Solatium:
The aproko uncle and you can go to hell,these are two adults according to the law of the land and they are free to move on with their life.
If you can't improve people don't run them down.
My policy

Kobojunkie:
BluntTheApostle, is this one here your in-law abeg?

Kobojunkie:
BluntTheApostle, is this one here your in-law abeg?

Iyaebe:
Living in husband's family house while married is a disaster, ladies should not be deceived by that deceitful words like "his family is my family" your eyes will clear when troubles set in (which you can't totally avoid because fighting your in-laws is like the air we breath, you can't avoid it,just choose your fights wisely by avoiding the very elderly ones but be strong and ready for those young ones that'll come and test you).It's a hard and enduring decision on it's own to marry a man that does not own a house not to talk of marrying one that'll put you in a rent but going further to marry one that'll put you in his family house is what I can't explain.Let me stop here before my nairaland Chief judges begin to rant.

Simran94:

Inherited house means he should bring in his aunties and uncles with their children to come live there and still marry a wife inside that same house?

Blackdisciple:



That house ain't just a room there enough space .....

I realized that a woman needs her privacy yes, but if there's many rooms in the building everyone knows his or her boundary na

Simran94:

Not even rooms. Do you know what will happen to the 21 year old girl in that family house? They will turn her to their maid because they see her as a small girl.
Those kind settings no dey good at all for young person.
And besides, the couple wants the OP to foot the bills of the wedding which means the guy isn’t financially dependent like that and the girl is still in school without a job. Does that mean it’s the guy’s family that will be feeding them when they move in?

Blackdisciple:



To be honest ehhh, I can't try such, just as u say they will turn her to their maid and the man will be seeing her as a good wife while she suffers with domestic works , I have a neighbor whom there's this girl working with him , and there's this guy too staying with him , the girl not any of them girl, but one of them his girl usually come around do you know that this very girl staying with them because their maid doing everything at home including washing of their clothes , if the girl to the other guy comes around na leg she dey cross relax for house oo while this said girl do the activities....

It's crazy

Solatium:

Yes it's foolish to you because you follow the crowd,you follow the senseless act that has become a tradition
Have you asked yourself why kids from Rich family finds their feet's quicker in life?
it's because of leverage like this,you see babangida pikin getting married and they were given house's, car's and money,do you think their parents are foolish?

Obara Jesus. Den suppose flog you 31 stroke of cane.

Only poor and frustrated neighbourhoods have morning qurel and fighting?

If the man came from rich background with car, finance and family backup, we won't be here discussing this issue.

It is obvious the man's family isn't financially boyant and the poor extended family will vent their ancestorial anger, bitterness and frustration to the young chap.

Babaginda and rich elite doesn't discuss this issue even if their daughter marry at 19. This issue is meant for the poor family

And the best to do is to break away from any family wahala because buhari and economy isn't smiling

Professorcplus:

Obara Jesus. Den suppose flog you 31 stroke of cane.

Only poor and frustrated neighbourhoods have morning qurel and fighting?

If the man came from rich background with car, finance and family backup, we won't be here discussing this issue.

It is obvious the man's family isn't financially boyant and the poor extended family will vent their ancestorial anger, bitterness and frustration to the young chap.

Babaginda and rich elite doesn't discuss this issue even if their daughter marry at 19. This issue is meant for the poor family

And the best to do is to break away from any family wahala because buhari and economy isn't smiling

gforce5:
It's so funny how people are mocking the suitor in question for still living in a family house at the age of 30. Yusuf Buhari was living with his parents when he got married to a princess yet nobody said pim. Malami's son didn't have any job when he got married. Prince Harry of the UK was jobless and living in his family house when he got married. His wife even settled with him in the palace before she opened her eyes. The nephew of the Prince of Monaco doesn't have a job but is married to the daughter from a prominent Colombian family. If the suitor was from a wealthy home, nobody would question his ambition in life.

I am not supporting the guy but I am seeing this from another perspective.

Solatium:

Another idiot spotted,why can't your own family work hard to afford what you are demanding from someone? abi your own family no get Male?
Abi Dem curse your own Family to be leches all their life?

No need for harsh word bro. Read my previous comment with good sense of humor