Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? - Family (7)

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Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by gabicon: 6:41pm On Feb 28, 2022

BluntTheApostle:
A few weeks back, my niece brought a man to me and introduced him as the one she wishes to marry.

Her father died while she was about 15, and I have been the one taking care of her, through school and all. So, she sees me as her father.

Alright, so she brought this young man to me. I have nothing against him. He is finishing up a master's degree, and even though he is not into anything really specific (he is a hustler sort of a person, combining different jobs), I do not have a problem with that. He appears focused, and really hardworking.

However, the problem is that he does not have a place of his own, and does not appear to have any plans in that direction.

So, last week, I asked him a whole lot of questions, and it appears like he would be marrying my baby, and she would live with him in their family house. Other families living there include the man's aged parents, some uncles and aunties, and their children. He was not specific whether aunties or uncles included blood relations and their spouses. I didn't press him on that.

Now, I have also sat my niece down, and had a chat with her. She is only 20+ (would be 21 in June). I tried to be as neutral as possible, but I may have been too blunt sometimes because she has been defensive, including accusing me of not wanting to fund the wedding.

Her mother reasons with me, but the girl has become deaf. She doesn't want to listen.

My point is that the wedding can be put on hold till the young man makes a firm decision on accommodation. All this: "I will consider it; I am considering it; it is a part of my plan" is not conclusive at all, and I don't want her to go and start her married life under the same roof with so many people.

The man is 30 (although he looks older to me), and I am beginning to feel that he is manipulating her.

What do you think?

Which of you has experienced living in your husband's family house? How was the experience?

For me, I think of it just like living in a polygamous family, and it makes me uneasy because this girl is too young, and too fragile.

Your opinions and experiences are highly welcome.

It may be all that I would need to reach a decision concerning this knotty issue.

Sometimes as a parent or guardian you need to save your ward from themselves. That famil will use her till she ages beyond recognition, a young wife in the most of old people? She will wash, clean, cook, baby sit, run errands, care for the Sick etc.
All she presently see is love but life is hanging around the corner. Put your foot down that no accomodation no wedding and let her mum do the same.

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Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by Heavance(m): 6:45pm On Feb 28, 2022

Sir, this is a terrible disaster waiting to happen.
A terrible one, a disaster she won't recover from.
I have never heard a good story from those who tried this, even those who decided to make it temporary pending when they iron out the challenge which brought them to sich family house.... All the people I know, and got to know mutually, the story is same disaster.
In fact a colleague who experienced such gave me his experience, he was almost knocked down by a vehicle (he never saw it coming as he was lost in the daily battle with his wife and mother).
So I repeat, it is a disaster waiting to happen.
Your niece is at that stage where love means all, she can barely see anything after the wedding, she doesn't know what it means to face such battles (waiting for her)....
Please, remain firm in your decision if you don't want to see her premium tears.
For me, it's a capital NO.

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by Sterope(f): 6:45pm On Feb 28, 2022

Exactly. Is that bit what old family houses are for.

Although, it is uncommon to find an educated family in such environment (not educated and rich though)

Mariangeles:

It’s not even a taboo, so I’m wondering why the fuss.

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by Cesclxg(m): 7:11pm On Feb 28, 2022

What is the fuss with getting married when u lack accommodation? And why is the OP required to fund the marriage of another man.

@OP your niece acts like a prodigal girl. Why do u still waste time on her?

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by Apb0012016(m): 7:17pm On Feb 28, 2022

BluntTheApostle:

I just need some assurance that it is not bad.

Because I don't think I may be able to hold the wedding for long.

She thinks I am against the wedding because I don't want to fund it.

Recently, I have had some change in fortune. Something she knows about. Now, she thinks my reluctance to accept the man is due to my financial situation.

But that is not the issue.

Explain ur reasons to her, open up the dirty lines in it.. U don't have to manage d truth here, tell her how it difficult it could be to stay in such environment, call her attention to the fact that she won't be able to bear what at comes after it and surely the freedom she's enjoying now will be limited, she will hardly have a say, they will put her to test that she will fail and things will go well yp the point she can't bear it but fight and once she starts fighting, she's longer enjoying marriage but enduring it.

Give her reasons and let her realize that be it good or bad whatever the consequences would be she should be ready to stand firm, accept and deal with it for it her choice.

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Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by Kwinesther: 7:17pm On Feb 28, 2022

2braithe:

I'm confused at one thing,is it the responsibility of the lady or her family to finance the wedding?
It's the man that is coming to marry her na.

In Yoruba tribe both families are financially responsible for weddings. Infact most times, a reasonable part of the wedding is financed by the bride's family.

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by Mariangeles(f): 7:21pm On Feb 28, 2022

Sterope:
Exactly. Is that bit what old family houses are for.

Although, it is uncommon to find an educated family in such environment (not educated and rich though)

Even the ones that do, they don’t always live there permanently.
They just start out from there.
And by living there, some are able to save enough money to build their own and move, while some just move to a rented place when they can afford to.

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by IJEYdiamond(f): 7:38pm On Feb 28, 2022

Mariangeles:
Is your niece marrying into an Indian family?

Anyways, find a way to solve the issue amicably, before she “accidentally” falls pregnant for the guy.

Because.... Indians... is a norm.... but few r changing...

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by asto70: 7:44pm On Feb 28, 2022

BluntTheApostle:
A few weeks back, my niece brought a man to me and introduced him as the one she wishes to marry.

Her father died while she was about 15, and I have been the one taking care of her, through school and all. So, she sees me as her father.

Alright, so she brought this young man to me. I have nothing against him. He is finishing up a master's degree, and even though he is not into anything really specific (he is a hustler sort of a person, combining different jobs), I do not have a problem with that. He appears focused, and really hardworking.

However, the problem is that he does not have a place of his own, and does not appear to have any plans in that direction.

So, last week, I asked him a whole lot of questions, and it appears like he would be marrying my baby, and she would live with him in their family house. Other families living there include the man's aged parents, some uncles and aunties, and their children. He was not specific whether aunties or uncles included blood relations and their spouses. I didn't press him on that.

Now, I have also sat my niece down, and had a chat with her. She is only 20+ (would be 21 in June). I tried to be as neutral as possible, but I may have been too blunt sometimes because she has been defensive, including accusing me of not wanting to fund the wedding.

Her mother reasons with me, but the girl has become deaf. She doesn't want to listen.

My point is that the wedding can be put on hold till the young man makes a firm decision on accommodation. All this: "I will consider it; I am considering it; it is a part of my plan" is not conclusive at all, and I don't want her to go and start her married life under the same roof with so many people.

The man is 30 (although he looks older to me), and I am beginning to feel that he is manipulating her.

What do you think?

Which of you has experienced living in your husband's family house? How was the experience?

For me, I think of it just like living in a polygamous family, and it makes me uneasy because this girl is too young, and too fragile.

Your opinions and experiences are highly welcome. The man should look for a house even if it is one room ,it is better than starting his family in his family house ,the experience is not going to be palatable.

It may be all that I would need to reach a decision concerning this knotty issue.

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Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by Iamolukorede(m): 7:54pm On Feb 28, 2022

Left to me, that your little girl is too young to experience trauma, pain, and accusations.

Marriage is seen as an archive ment in this part of the world, nevertheless, why waste money on marriage when the said girl don't have any means of income or addiction to further her studies abroad?..

Look, the said man is only try to cajole her into marriage in the context of love. Infact, getting are laid and living in that family house is tantamount to alot of un foreseen circumstances. Your verdict should be that you don't support such proposals, let the man work more harder to rent a place for himself and start a family and since you said he doesn't have plan in that direction, then that is redflag for your baby girl.

Your baby girl, seems too much emotional about the whole thing, let are know what she is getting are self into, she is without experience and so she might not know what she is getting are self into. Try to make her self independent and explain your reasons for the decision made and if she won't listen but insists on getting married.

Then let her go and learn from her mistakes but rem some percentage of the brunt will be on you so far you are still alive ..

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by Aaay: 8:02pm On Feb 28, 2022

Why

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by JoyousFurnitire(m): 8:21pm On Feb 28, 2022

Mariangeles:

Hanty, eko lo bi mi si.

Lol, I'm Youruba and I don't haven't such.

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by ibinaboonline: 8:22pm On Feb 28, 2022

Wait wait wait. Na you go fund d wedding? E no balance o. Man no even get proper job, still living with family, but him don score one bebe who’s uncle will fund her wedding. Hmmm.

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by Mariangeles(f): 8:29pm On Feb 28, 2022

JoyousFurnitire:

Lol, I'm Youruba and I don't haven't such.

O ma n sele ni eko.

Maybe it’s more common in Lagos state then.

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by Saintmary(f): 8:35pm On Feb 28, 2022

JoyousFurnitire:

I was wondering where she got that from

She might be living in the slums, so being a non-Yoruba person she might think that is what all Yoruba people do.

I can't blame her.

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by JoyousFurnitire(m): 8:35pm On Feb 28, 2022

Mariangeles:

O ma n sele ni eko.

Maybe it’s more common in Lagos state then.

Lol. Lai Lai

I never moved out of Lagos. At all.

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by Danyyyyyyyyyyy: 8:36pm On Feb 28, 2022

BluntTheApostle:
A few weeks back, my niece brought a man to me and introduced him as the one she wishes to marry.

Her father died while she was about 15, and I have been the one taking care of her, through school and all. So, she sees me as her father.

Alright, so she brought this young man to me. I have nothing against him. He is finishing up a master's degree, and even though he is not into anything really specific (he is a hustler sort of a person, combining different jobs), I do not have a problem with that. He appears focused, and really hardworking.

However, the problem is that he does not have a place of his own, and does not appear to have any plans in that direction.

So, last week, I asked him a whole lot of questions, and it appears like he would be marrying my baby, and she would live with him in their family house. Other families living there include the man's aged parents, some uncles and aunties, and their children. He was not specific whether aunties or uncles included blood relations and their spouses. I didn't press him on that.

Now, I have also sat my niece down, and had a chat with her. She is only 20+ (would be 21 in June). I tried to be as neutral as possible, but I may have been too blunt sometimes because she has been defensive, including accusing me of not wanting to fund the wedding.

Her mother reasons with me, but the girl has become deaf. She doesn't want to listen.

My point is that the wedding can be put on hold till the young man makes a firm decision on accommodation. All this: "I will consider it; I am considering it; it is a part of my plan" is not conclusive at all, and I don't want her to go and start her married life under the same roof with so many people.

The man is 30 (although he looks older to me), and I am beginning to feel that he is manipulating her.

What do you think?

Which of you has experienced living in your husband's family house? How was the experience?

For me, I think of it just like living in a polygamous family, and it makes me uneasy because this girl is too young, and too fragile.

Your opinions and experiences are highly welcome.

It may be all that I would need to reach a decision concerning this knotty issue.

If you really love her a much as you say you do , do not let her go there ,my aunt got married at the age of 20 when I was still a child , she moved into her husband's family home and became their maid as the youngest family member ,

Even the children had freedom , for her it was always " where are you going? " , "What are you doing ?" " By this afternoon you're sleeping" not her husband oh , his people were the ones interrogating her and sending her on errands thy couldn't send the children , it didn't end well for her , the man travelled after like two years and married another person in Canada and hasn't returned since , noone told her but she continued to be their maid until our family found out and went to carry her because if it was only her she would have waited for him to come back and 18 years has passed , he still hasn't returned, just sends money to his family

I don't know what the man has promised your niece but you really need to convince her , because by the time she regrets it she won't have face to come back , it's better you do it now that she's with you .
Marriage is not first to do oh , both of them are still young , if she's being stubborn like that please confirm that she's not already pregnant because that's the only thing in my head right now , I'm also turning 21 by June I don't know what will make me want to go from my parents house to my husband's parents house , in fact I want to live alone even if it's just a year before I will consider marriage

It's a big red flag that at the age of 30 he is very okay with living in his family house
Even my dad managed to marry my mom in a very small one bedroom apartment , it wasn't much but no extra family drama , I sleep for parlor my parents sleep in the bedroom , my aunty slept in the kitchen corridor and there was peace

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Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by JoyousFurnitire(m): 8:39pm On Feb 28, 2022

Mariangeles:

O ma n sele ni eko.

Maybe it’s more common in Lagos state then.

Lol. Lai Lai

I never moved out of Lagos. At all.

I would agree a little if you mentioned other states in the west. Majority here live in rented apartment and those who own one will rather have tenants than take more of their members.

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by Saintmary(f): 8:41pm On Feb 28, 2022

Mariangeles:

O ma n sele ni eko.

Maybe it’s more common in Lagos state then.

Slum areas, you might want to clarify?

Because I wonder where some well to do people must have gotten money for a lavish multi-million Naira wedding without debts or rituals. In their own cars and moving straight into their own houses.

Oh well.

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by Danyyyyyyyyyyy: 8:42pm On Feb 28, 2022

Zonefree:
As a lady, before you answer NO, endeavour you're staying alone and your parents are not staying in a rented flat at their old age.

Thank you.

So you want to compare a 30 year old man to a 20 year old girl , in fact it is girls that come from poor families that should even be extra careful so they don't suffer the same fate twice , it is usually the pampered girls that use love to enter inside chaos
He's 10 years older , he should be ahead of her , I don't know how you people come here to make comments that expose your networths

2 Likes

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by Mariangeles(f): 8:43pm On Feb 28, 2022

Saintmary:

She might be living in the slums, so being a non-Yoruba person she might think that is what all Yoruba people do.

I can't blame her.

If I live in the slums, so?
Does that make you better than me?
Do you think you’re better than those living in the slums?

Shame on you!
What a gossip!

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by integrity16(m): 8:44pm On Feb 28, 2022

Heavance:
Sir, this is a terrible disaster waiting to happen.
A terrible one, a disaster she won't recover from.
I have never heard a good story from those who tried this, even those who decided to make it temporary pending when they iron out the challenge which brought them to sich family house.... All the people I know, and got to know mutually, the story is same disaster.
In fact a colleague who experienced such gave me his experience, he was almost knocked down by a vehicle (he never saw it coming as he was lost in the daily battle with his wife and mother).
So I repeat, it is a disaster waiting to happen.
Your niece is at that stage where love means all, she can barely see anything after the wedding, she doesn't know what it means to face such battles (waiting for her)....
Please, remain firm in your decision if you don't want to see her premium tears.
For me, it's a capital NO.

I have tried it and it didn't end well. Territorial battle between my mom and my wife. That lady is too young for that kind of experience.

This is one big reason why I will always be grateful to God and my wife for her patience and perseverance during that time we were in the family house.

She was able to control herself while my mom and sister resorted to breaking bottles and wanted to stab her, so I will advice that you prevent your niece from going ahead with this.

It seems to me that it is your niece that is forcing the guy to marry her hence her insistence on your funding the wedding.

You don't even know the background of the guys family whether they are Godly or diabolic people and you want your niece to stay in such environment?? The both of them are not ready for marriage and no real church will accept them to get married when the groom doesn't have his own accomodation except they only want to do court wedding.

Please don't go ahead with it, I and my wife were able to scale through because I adequately protected my wife from the claws of my mom and siblings so can this 30year old man protect your niece adequately when necessary? Call off the wedding please until he is ready. Thank you.

1 Like

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by Emdebby2: 8:45pm On Feb 28, 2022

You have good thought for your niece. At 21 she shouldn't be so desperate to rush into a decision that she will regret later. It's her marriage anyway so she has the right to decide. A family house that involves the extended family and goes beyond the parents of the groom should not be encouraged. They will use her like rag and then she will start regretting why she accepted to live there in the first place. If she refuses to listen to your elderly advice then leave her alone to proceed.

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by Mariangeles(f): 8:45pm On Feb 28, 2022

JoyousFurnitire:

Lol. Lai Lai

I never moved out of Lagos. At all.

I would agree a little if you mentioned other states in the west. Majority here live in rented apartment and those who own one will rather have tenants than take more of their members.

Okay. Let’s leave it at that.

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by Danyyyyyyyyyyy: 8:48pm On Feb 28, 2022

Zonefree:
OP, the marriage is between your Niece and her guy.

The guy is a hustler like you said. He's sponsoring himself to school, up to Masters level. He got things going for him. Can that be said about your Niece? Your Niece lives at your expense and you think she's ready for marriage?

Your Niece has to be independent, live alone, drive big cars before you can select made men for her as a groom.

So because she's been dependent for 20 years the uncle should be okay with her suffering small? , She's 20 TWENTY!!!! and you want to compare her to the guy that's 10 years her senior?

1 Like

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by Saintmary(f): 8:49pm On Feb 28, 2022

JoyousFurnitire:

Lol. Lai Lai

I never moved out of Lagos. At all.

I would agree a little if you mentioned other states in the west. Majority here live in rented apartment and those who own one will rather have tenants than take more of their members.

If you bring this kind of nonsense proposal to anyone in Ogun, Ondo or Ekiti States, they will pursue you commot with your two left legs.

You never fit sustain yourself,you come dey reason marriage to put somebody's daughter inside suffering.

I don't know about other people, but for my side, na the girl go first chop serious blasting for dreaming up such absurdity.

It's so ridiculous.

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by JoyousFurnitire(m): 8:49pm On Feb 28, 2022

Saintmary:

She might be living in the slums, so being a non-Yoruba person she might think that is what all Yoruba people do.

I can't blame her.

Not even in the slum, talk maybe other states that they have this compound-family thing, I haven't been there so I'll reason a little because it's their home and their compound.

In slums here most live in rented apartments of about a room or two and houses in slums are so small with little to no yard.

Na that kind place a 30 year old wan marry? Inside him papa rented one room?

Besides a room in some part of Lagos (outskirts) cost about 250k and we have lot of young people even Gen Z moving out to their own.

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by Danyyyyyyyyyyy: 8:50pm On Feb 28, 2022

BluntTheApostle:

I just need some assurance that it is not bad.

Because I don't think I may be able to hold the wedding for long.

She thinks I am against the wedding because I don't want to fund it.

Recently, I have had some change in fortune. Something she knows about. Now, she thinks my reluctance to accept the man is due to my financial situation.

But that is not the issue.

It is very very bad
Just be firm , so that in the future if it goes south she'll know you tried to warn her

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Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by Danyyyyyyyyyyy: 8:52pm On Feb 28, 2022

Iyaebe:
Shut up and start planning to own a house of your own before ever thinking of bringing somebody's daughter for your families to devour. Your reasoning sucks,may God not let someone like you cross our path.

Amen , Amen AMEN!!!!!!!

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by JoyousFurnitire(m): 8:52pm On Feb 28, 2022

Saintmary:

If you bring this kind of nonsense proposal to anyone in Ogun, Ondo or Ekiti States, they will pursue you commot with your two left legs.

You never fit sustain yourself,you come dey reason marriage to put somebody's daughter inside suffering.

I don't know about other people, but for my side, na the girl go first chop serious blasting for dreaming up such absurdity.

It's so ridiculous.

Lmao. An average Lagos/Ogun babe won't even reason you except maybe a 14 yo lol

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by semanose: 9:03pm On Feb 28, 2022

@BluntTheApostle

I have deep regrets getting married in a family house.

For a whole decade I have been trying to erase the effect of that decision from my life.

It's traumatic,
No breathing space
You get enemies if you take sides

A couple starting life needs all the privacy they can get.

Not people telling them how to eat, sleep, sit down or live their life.

Your life become public knowledge.

You need to inform everyone about your movements.

Stop her before she gets into what will ruin her fast.

Trust your instincts.

If you feel the man is manipulating her.

Then he is.

Hope your baby has a job or business she is running?
Modified:
She has ND with HND view:

She should focus more on how to finish up, get a job and live her life.

2 Likes 1 Share

Re: Can You Marry A Man Who Lives In His Family House? by Danyyyyyyyyyyy: 9:04pm On Feb 28, 2022

Saintmary:

Of course she will learn the hard way, regardless of what you say.

After she gets married never hand her cash if you plan to help. Just pay her school tuition by yourself, or any other expenses you might be so magnanimous to undertake.

So sad.

It's very true , she might even use her fees to support "hustling gig " that might crash one day

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