Anobody:
I'm a single mother of two teenage sons, lost my husband 10 years ago and have been struggling to cater for them singlehandedly. My first son is 19 and the last 17 years but I'm getting fed up with the disrespect and regret not taking them to the village so I could remarry.

They both left secondary school and working to save up for school and I don't ask them for a dime. My last son suddenly started behaving like a tout, pierced both ears and turning his hair to dread, takes my stuff without my permission and even to extent of holding my hands when I get furious to beat him.

My first son is dating a girl and spends all his money on her to the extend of asking me for transport fare sometimes. Sometimes they come home by 10 or 11pm and are ready to fight me if I get furious to discipline them.

What broke the camel's back was that my last son went to a friend's bday party overnight without telling me, my first son said he called to tell him he won't return and NONE OF THEM TOLD ME under my roof.

I've tried talking calmly, denying certain privilege and discipline but it keeps getting worse, my last option is to take them back to their father's village before I die of hbp.

I'm depressed nairalanders�, please I seek matured advice, thanks.

Please help me push to front page

From the narrative you gave it shows you didn't do your job well by training them properly.
That's why I dont like single women raising children alone, because most times the children end up becoming useless because of the over pampering, and also not allowing other people correct their children when they go wrong.


It's too late now o, but dont give up.
And if you also have any military friends, call them let them drill the Bleep out of them. They did it to one only son, now the boy have changed for good.

Put them in your prayers, and dont stop advising them.

With your explanation up there i think you still have tiny hope of managing the situation, from your write up its seems the older one has not gone that bad,
For the younger one to call the older one and tell him, his where about it's means he still has a bit respect for the older one than u, what's i will advise,
you should do is to make the older one your friend to be able to confide in you talk to you freely, open up to you, have a one on one conversation with him trust me if u can win the older one to your side he will keep the younger one in check, always report the younger ones mischievous act to the older one make the older one feel like the man of the house give him that sense of responsibility that he is the man of the house stop trying to correct the younger one by yourself always go through the older one, and keep praying for him with time he will overcome all that character by himself
speaking out of experience was ones a problem child but all thanks to my elder brother advise and God

UpInTheSky:
Are there any decent, responsible males in your family who can
talk some sense into them/put them in check + serve as a mentor for them?

Or better yet, call the Police on them and maybe even have them spend 2-3 days in jail.
You'd want to show them that that's where they will end up if they don't start behaving.

Yes, since the police are supposed to arrest disobedient teenagers. When did disobedience become a civil offence?

Belial06:
This is the future and result of single mothers. Like it's always been said a woman can't raise kids on her own. They never turn out right. Babe you should have remarried. Whatever freedom you wanted out if being free and not under any man. Well this is the result. It's too late to change them the damage has been donem don't worry they will soon start slapping you sef..

Pay me let me Beat the fear of Jesus into them for you

So children with both parents alive don't misbehave? You, would you have married a widow with two kids? Answer honestly.
Think things through before posting and make sure they are facts. If she didn't remarry, she had her reasons.

[quote author=Anobody post=113620559][/quote]
The saddest reality is that it will only take the grace of God to have them tamed or perhaps behave in the manner you subscribe as "decent" especially in this present era even with their dad around. This generation is consistent in reducing the bar of decency from 0 to minus 0 in the name of doings. You lost control of them from when they were much younger. I can understand you couldn't be there always to closely keep watch and mode them because of the unfortunate which made you hustle more. Just keep counseling & praying for them and lastly try to worry less about them for your own health. Know that with or without you, they will be alright.

DKM123:
The problem with not raising up a boychild properly is that they will show you pepper physically when they come of age. They will sell your house and steal your properties, beat and even KILL you.

That's why raising a boy child requires serious effort. I can't say you did poorly just because you are a single mother afterall those armed robbers and ritualist usually have fathers and I have seen boys who choose not to follow "wicked trends" cos they pity thier SINGLE MOTHERS who suffered to raise them.

In any case, what your boys need is TALK, TALK, TALK. They are too old to be beaten by the way. How can you raise your hands on a 17year old boy? All the beating you have been doing obviously didn't work. Infact, from the age of 12, you shouldn't be flogging them. You should be doing more of talking and advicing on a daily basis. Use every story you come across to advice and teach.

Don't take them to the village. Pretend to have HBP and pretend to be bed ridden for two weeks. Don't bring a dime so they understand real hunger. Send them to go get food on credit from the shops on the street. Let them understand shame. Insist that they caused you to be that way and be crying all the time. Work on thier conscience but not in a quarrelsome way. Sting thier heart and let them know they need you and should change if they don't want to lose you.
Let's see if they will change.

I support you on this. When better hungry beat them no be person go tell them to reset their brain

You can only bend a child from ages 0-12/13 Anything thereafter na prayer and advice remain. I've stopped beating my daughters of 16&14. Even if you beat them at that age it makes no sense again.

Them go and remarry. 10 yrs waiting after the death of your husband is too much.

Pray for them. Be careful who you report them to. Aye le o.

Mindlog:


Come up with more effective ways of disciplining your children without having to use belt on them.

Oga, this is Africa. Africans are very stubborn and don't yield to corrections easily until you use maximum force. Cane doesn't kill and even the Bible is in full support of it. The book of proverbs 13 Vs 24 says; "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."
Therefore if you spare the rod, you spoil the child.

Anobody:
I'm a single mother of two teenage sons, lost my husband 10 years ago and have been struggling to cater for them singlehandedly. My first son is 19 and the last 17 years but I'm getting fed up with the disrespect and regret not taking them to the village so I could remarry.

They both left secondary school and working to save up for school and I don't ask them for a dime. My last son suddenly started behaving like a tout, pierced both ears and turning his hair to dread, takes my stuff without my permission and even to extent of holding my hands when I get furious to beat him.

My first son is dating a girl and spends all his money on her to the extend of asking me for transport fare sometimes. Sometimes they come home by 10 or 11pm and are ready to fight me if I get furious to discipline them.

What broke the camel's back was that my last son went to a friend's bday party overnight without telling me, my first son said he called to tell him he won't return and NONE OF THEM TOLD ME under my roof.

I've tried talking calmly, denying certain privilege and discipline but it keeps getting worse, my last option is to take them back to their father's village before I die of hbp.

I'm depressed nairalanders�, please I seek matured advice, thanks.

Please help me push to front page

Unfortunately, there is little to nothing you can do. Just keep praying for them

Madam carry ur cross alone cos its almost impossible to change them. When u had the time to train them u were following to the trendy ways now e don red.

But if I may ask, did you trained them in the way of the Lord, did you tell them about Jesus, did you take them to church, did you give them Bible study ? If no, I'm sorry it will be by Grace and prayer to save them.

Gamesmart:


The typical useless and senseless "pray".

Pray wey una don dey pray for decades and una lives dey get worse.

No vex, Daddy.
Who be una?!

Are you saying prayers don't work?
Just a harmless question o

God will touch thier heart...

threegees:


No vex, Daddy.
Who be una?!

Are you saying prayers don't work?
Just a harmless question o

Instead of answering the question. Let me use you.

1. How long have you been a Xtian for and been praying?

2. What do you pray for when you pray to your god?

Sleekfingers:



You said, her late husband family failed in their duty........ nigerians and their yeye entitlement mentalities........so it is the responsibility of the family to take care of the kids abi?

where is the entitlement in looking after your own

UpInTheSky:
Are there any decent, responsible males in your family who can
talk some sense into them/put them in check + serve as a mentor for them?

Or better yet, call the Police on them and maybe even have them spend 2-3 days in jail.
You'd want to show them that that's where they will end up if they don't start behaving.

At their respective ages it is good to let them be adults and let whatever will happen to them happen.

They desire unfettered freedom, why prevent them from seeing where that leads? When it hurts them, they will learn from the pain. Until then they will keep feeling invincible.

She has this problem from not disciplining them earlier on and giving them too much independence. Children need to be controlled. Not adults.

Her best bet is to restore order by kicking them out. After all, they are financially independent enough to cater to girls and gangsterism. They already know what criminality is all about, they aren't young enough to be intimidated by 2 days in a cell. What they need to do is commit a serious enough crime that will give them 2 years to learn.

She should let them be—under another roof. Parenting isn't compulsory.

I almost did not want to contribute as the truth is bitter and moreover as a majority of the contributors have hit the nail on the head. you reap what you sow. What you are reaping now from your two sons is what you sowed. Sorry they are beyound redemption even if you call on big or small god.they have chosen the life they want to live courtesy of you,if you had a girl with them she equally would have been a slut. it is a rather unfourtunate situation. It is to late to cry when you are already a walking dead woman ,theres nothing you can do about their case you only have to withdraw and put the rest pieces of your life together to avoid a total breakdown. It seems you are not in good terms with your inlaws right from day one and out of strong head refused to carry them along when your husband died. Your husbands death is no excuse for their waywardness but you.You have to withdraw back to your direct siblings , my only hope that you carried them along too. You have to let go of your boys as they are claiming adults mind our son that holds your hands now would beat you mercilessly without remorse. Hes already joined a street gang with the way you have described him in the post. and it is only a small time before he involves himself in a big crime that the police would be on your neck. Your first son since hes forming big boy with a live in lover and you still give them transport and the little food you rassle they eat and you encourage that be prepared to be a granny.You would come back home to find they have sold your treasured stuff. You have to let go of them you have seemly done your best . THE SOLUTION call them to appraise them of the recent development that you are withdrawing to the village(which is a technical play and relocate to your direct siblings house) tell them to get them selves fixed up. give a month interval as deadline and relocate. by the way what prevented you from remarrying all these years are you not attractive or what. dont let your sons issue let you depreciate badly that you cannot find love again.

Klass99:


Seven blessings to you too. Thanks for sharing this.

forget no matter any talking would do any good,they have choosen their path already

DAMIMONY:
Are you an oppressive mother?are you always on social media?are you promisious?are you an insultive mother? Are you a power toxic person? Are you the type that curse ur kids? Are you the type that claims superiority? Are you the know all mother?Are you a moody mother.please check yourself,check where you went all wrong,check how you have treated this boys without apology,check what they have caught you doing.consider that this guy's hustle to maintain their self.its the little care and love he couldn't get from you that's making him spend on a little girl.be careful what next you do else you might loose them forever.wisdom is not power,not by age.send me your number for more counseling.but u Bleep up that I know

you too much. what an old man see's while sitting a child cannot see while standing.

JIBO4REAL:
I always say 99% women can’t raised a child to adolescent stage without a a responsible man
Single moms just need put ego aside and get their kids a father figure someone they gonna respect and she gonna make them fear him
Being a single woman it’s not easy to raise them alone without let them knows you have someone as the head of the family

Shut up.

With all the father figure in Nigeria, how has that improved the standard of living of Nigerians?

Somebody like you that talk like this already show that the father figure in your life is a total failure.

Maybe, lots of you here should go and learn what father figure means.

Anobody:
I'm a single mother of two teenage sons, lost my husband 10 years ago and have been struggling to cater for them singlehandedly. My first son is 19 and the last 17 years but I'm getting fed up with the disrespect and regret not taking them to the village so I could remarry.

You need to separate them from their current environment.
Do you have a relative or someone in a different state where they can go to "learn a trade"?
Preferably, two different places for them to go. They will calm down in the new location, they will be engaged and will have no choice than to respect their host.

DAMIMONY:
Are you an oppressive mother?are you always on social media?are you promisious?are you an insultive mother? Are you a power toxic person? Are you the type that curse ur kids? Are you the type that claims superiority? Are you the know all mother?Are you a moody mother.please check yourself,check where you went all wrong,check how you have treated this boys without apology,check what they have caught you doing.consider that this guy's hustle to maintain their self.its the little care and love he couldn't get from you that's making him spend on a little girl.be careful what next you do else you might loose them forever.wisdom is not power,not by age.send me your number for more counseling.but u Bleep up that I know

With such thinking, you have no business being a counsellor because you would seriously struggle with unconditional positive regard.

Mindlog:


With such thinking, you have no business being a counsellor because you would seriously struggle with unconditional positive regard.

Learn to arrange your words with sense,mk it simple.your grammar is confusing you, making what you say useless

DAMIMONY:

Learn to arrange your words with sense,mk it simple.your grammar is confusing you, making what you say useless

I still insist you have no calling nor the skills to be a counsellor.

AllBlack:


As for way forward, paragraph 2 covers that.

Though there is little or nothing our online suggestions can do for a woman who must have burnt all her important family bridges and caused the damage by overlooking the early rot signals.
I was a very bad child, still a bad guy but there many things my mom must not hear or see about me even as a married man. Why? Because I know she will start fighting against those things as soon as she sees them so i already know it is a waste of time for me to even get involved with such in the first place. She always makes her stance against rubbish very clear.

Come to think of it, you might be shocked to hear first hand appalling information from her neighbors, family and friends concerning details on how she raised the boys. Those boys just might be the main victims of bad parenting. Maybe.

This could just be the truth, the boys din't just wakeup one morning and decide to be wayward. She saw signs earlier but din't act on it.

Rexymania:
A woman can not train a male child

Of all things to say.. You chose to speak the "TRUTH"..
Better wear helmet oo.. make Dem no stone your head for here..

To add to your comment.. after my dad died me and my siblings no fear our mother one bit despite us being tender.. what propelled us to become a better man today,All graduated,good jobs,some married and decent life was the fear of our uncles.. we fear our uncles alot both maternal and paternal side and any misbehaving from any of us the males,piam she dn report to our uncles.. by weekend one or more than one of them done land,with threats,advices and so on.. they were the stoic figure we needed to maintain a cool head whilst growing up.
One of my uncles denied giving me a tip of 100Naira back then when 100 naira is like one thousand naira of today simply because.. as he was about traveling with my mom(his sister) a friend came to our house and told me in front of them that our other friend that I borrowed #20 said I should give him the money to bring to him,my uncle was annoyed and shocked and after a dressing-down he collected the #100 Naira he dashed me,till today it thought me a life lesson,I don't borrow to someone or borrow from anyone..
Being in debt or lending out to people is the last thing I can ever do..
If I feel like.. I can dash someone money but never lending.. haven't been so down that I needed to borrow from someone either..

Women Most times can never be able to raise up male children successfully alone.. she tried and she has failed.. who's fault?? (Question for the gods)..

Chimeluv:
where is the entitlement in looking after your own

That is entitlement, expecting someone else to cater for children that aren't his or he didn't adopt legally is a sense of entitlement..

chukwuibuipob:
What will I gain from lying? Not sure about his whereabouts

its Absence of Father Figure.....Most Times

UpInTheSky:
Are there any decent, responsible males in your family who can
talk some sense into them/put them in check + serve as a mentor for them?

Or better yet, call the Police on them and maybe even have them spend 2-3 days in jail.
You'd want to show them that that's where they will end up if they don't start behaving.

you stopped making sense at a point

Anobody:
I'm a single mother of two teenage sons, lost my husband 10 years ago and have been struggling to cater for them singlehandedly. My first son is 19 and the last 17 years but I'm getting fed up with the disrespect and regret not taking them to the village so I could remarry.

They both left secondary school and working to save up for school and I don't ask them for a dime. My last son suddenly started behaving like a tout, pierced both ears and turning his hair to dread, takes my stuff without my permission and even to extent of holding my hands when I get furious to beat him.

My first son is dating a girl and spends all his money on her to the extend of asking me for transport fare sometimes. Sometimes they come home by 10 or 11pm and are ready to fight me if I get furious to discipline them.

What broke the camel's back was that my last son went to a friend's bday party overnight without telling me, my first son said he called to tell him he won't return and NONE OF THEM TOLD ME under my roof.

I've tried talking calmly, denying certain privilege and discipline but it keeps getting worse, my last option is to take them back to their father's village before I die of hbp.

I'm depressed nairalanders�, please I seek matured advice, thanks.

Please help me push to front page

very easy yo handle them. Go to any army barracks near you and report them to the army. But make sure you remain anonymous. Let the make them to see on their head. That punishment will humble them both

ABANGWABOI:


Of all things to say.. You chose to speak the "TRUTH"..
Better wear helmet oo.. make Dem no stone your head for here..

To add to your comment.. after my dad died me and my siblings no fear our mother one bit despite us being tender.. what propelled us to become a better man today,All graduated,good jobs,some married and decent life was the fear of our uncles.. we fear our uncles alot both maternal and paternal side and any misbehaving from any of us the males,piam she dn report to our uncles.. by weekend one or more than one of them done land,with threats,advices and so on.. they were the stoic figure we needed to maintain a cool head whilst growing up.
One of my uncles denied giving me a tip of 100Naira back then when 100 naira is like one thousand naira of today simply because.. as he was about traveling with my mom(his sister) a friend came to our house and told me in front of them that our other friend that I borrowed #20 said I should give him the money to bring to him,my uncle was annoyed and shocked and after a dressing-down he collected the #100 Naira he dashed me,till today it thought me a life lesson,I don't borrow to someone or borrow from anyone..
Being in debt or lending out to people is the last thing I can ever do..
If I feel like.. I can dash someone money but never lending.. haven't been so down that I needed to borrow from someone either..

Women Most times can never be able to raise up male children successfully alone.. she tried and she has failed.. who's fault?? (Question for the gods)..

It all boils down to relationship, after d demise of the husband, maybe,just maybe,she didn't relate well with her husband's people or she saw them as enemies and became to defensive and protective of the boys, perhaps she felt she was doing the right thing, cos she definitely has a fault in all of these.

Above all ,u can't give what u don't have, just to correct the saying dt a woman cannot train a male child . if u are not a disciplined n principled woman or man you can also train any child to be his or her best. God still answers prayers let her keep praying, and also try telling them with firmness how things will have to start happening differently under her roof
.