They are still young to be corrected. Believe me, I have two younger brothers who lost it like this at the ripe old age of 36 and 33. They are now fighting for land, my money and threatening my wife even though we raised them with loans and all our sweat missing out on a lot of luxury because of them.

So your 19 and 17 year old are just kids and there is still time to correct them. Talk to them, they don't really know what you are going through, because if they know they will help you and try to make you happy even though they would rather have things their own way.

So sorry for what you are going through.

Nsonaso:


Arrange for area boys in the village to teach them manner's

You mean their friends already

Originalsly:


Obvious..... she either endure and live with the monster she created.... or move out.

K.

You made mistakes in the past..
Perhaps you tried raising them on your own without input from your immediate family or your husband's siblings.
Maybe because of your husband's demise, in your effort to bring them on your side, you ended up indulging them too much.
You try to raise a child between age 4-9.
Any behaviour after 9yrs becomes a permanent characteristic.
This is not however designed to blame you.
But if you must attack a problem, you need to start from the root cause.
How were you living your life after you became a widow?
What were the things they observed you doing?
At their age, they have reached a point of no return..
If you aren't careful you will die of heartbreak and their lives will still go on the same trajectory.
Your focus now is yourself.
You need to mend from this but the problem is that as a mother, you can never forget your children.
It is a psychological torture.

Going forward, you need to involve the help both families in tackling this menace.
Raising the boy child without the presence of a man in the house is a journey to perdition.

You need to be open to your family and that of your late husband to aid you in controlling their deviant behaviour.
I also urge you to pray for them.
There is nothing beyond God.
Their misdemeanor isn't in excess of that of St Augustine or Saul who became St Paul.
By the power in the name of Jesus, all will be well.

You refused to remarry, maybe to be focused on them.
You are a strong woman.
Do not regret.
Your reward will surely come.

Most of the comments here are not helping the woman's plight, so many assumptions and conclusions, most just blamed her for how the children turned out, I am not surprised she did not even reply after making the post.

Is it that most of us don't witness different scenarios around us, seen lots of single mothers/fathers raise responsible daughters and sons and vice versa, seen lots of both parented family end up having problematic children, and I have seen Pastors/imams having adult children you will not want to believe are raised by religious folks.


Most times, children are carried away by the activities of others around them, they might not even learn such bad habits from their age mates but from elderly ones they look up to and imitate. Where parents now come in to help out in such cases is left to different factors especially when it involves a single parent who might not have enough time due to work schedule.

The woman only seeks for help, if what she is facing now is her fault she knows and must have admitted her part of the fault, reason why she is here for help.

Eroms4life17:



Jesus cannot do for us, what we should do for ourselves. When we over spiritualise what we should handle our own, we will continue to have problems. Do you think she's not praying enough for the boys? She's only concerned now because of how they have become. I have handled a situation similar to this so I know. Those boys need serious attention and that woman alone cannot help them.

yeah she can't do it alone that is why she needs Jesus to help her, Jesus said in John 15 : 6 that without me you can't do anything, you think that these boys was not posses by the spirit of this last days

Mindlog:


Trying to copy the whites? Nah, my perspective is based on my specialization in Clinical Child Psychology here in Cambridge and continuous research on Conduct Disorders (CD) and Oppositional Defiant Disorders (ODD) in children and adolescents from a multicultural perspective.

my point is spare the rod and spoil the child. Of course disciplining in love. Okay...I get you disagree, but i believe in spanking. Thanks.

UpInTheSky:
Are there any decent, responsible males in your family who can
talk some sense into them/put them in check + serve as a mentor for them?

Or better yet, call the Police on them and maybe even have them spend 2-3 days in jail.
You'd want to show them that that's where they will end up if they don't start behaving.

report them to a respected family member. After that, leave them alone. Let them be, or else you harm yourself. My parents used to say in yoruba - omo ma pami, omo mapami, to ba ti ya, Oma di, omo ma pa ara e.

LadyTara:
Ok now will everyone stop with the bolded please .It's nauseating.


My cousin who I have not seen for years ,we went for a family reunion early this year ,he pierced his both ears ,has a tattoo all this right under his father's roof. I jokingly told my aunt that God should bring money so her son can buy diamond earrings and remove the one he has on.


Who wan rotten go rotten ,good upbringing or not, presence of a father or not. You can only do much when they are still Young ,it will come to a stage ,you only have to hope the upbringing sticks and doesn't get corroded by influence of environment and internet.

God bless you for this, I know a family of both parent, the wife was a high ranked govt school teacher and a Sunday school teacher for youth in her church (of blessed memory now) in our area who was always or let me say moral police who have one or two contributions concerning other people's matters, which is a good thing but her last daughter of youthful age got pregnant out of wedlock and she(daughter) had to stay away from the area for about two years due to shame before she came back with child, that was when most got to know the reason for her long absence. In her case are, we going to say the mother reprimanded other children and encouraged her own child?

Little cashout dey high dem hunty!
Be ruthless now, treat dem like a stranger may be get dem arrested for domestic violence. They gonna hate u for that but remind dem that u always have thier best intreast in heart. Later yrs they will still realise the love u have for them. I once feel hated by mum in my early days when she correct me but after i lost her everything begin to done on me and regrets follows

I always say 99% women can’t raised a child to adolescent stage without a a responsible man
Single moms just need put ego aside and get their kids a father figure someone they gonna respect and she gonna make them fear him
Being a single woman it’s not easy to raise them alone without let them knows you have someone as the head of the family

A Case Of Delinquency Gone Wild

Sorry about everything ma'am.

Absence of a father's cohesion (not your fault though).

You cannot bend them now(they will break and hurt anyone around them).

You only have a single throw of the die; PRAYER PRAYER PRAYER. Let them see and know you always pray for their change.

It's well!

Ishilove:
All of you saying she didn't train the boys well are seeing life through a tunnel. There are some boys who will go astray no matter what you do. They are at a rebellious age and one needs wisdom and hands of iron to curb their excesses.

My phone was snatched right in front of my house in 2018 and thankfully stealing phones for the sake of the sim cards was not yet as wide spread as it is now, so I was able to track the phone and got the stupid boy arrested. Guess what? He was just 17 years and had bleached the life out of his skin. At that age he was already hardened. His widowed mother hawked bottled drinks and water for a living, and she was lamenting at the police station that there is no kind of beating she has not given this boy from an early age when he started exhibiting signs of truancy. She said she has taken him to 6 different workshops to learn handwork but after 2 or maximum of 3 weeks, he would quit. He rather preferred to loaf around. His uncles have counseled him, and even police men but he refused to change.

Some children are just bent on self destruction and it is only God's intervention that can save them.

Anobody, what you need now is to show tough love. Go to the police station in your areas and have a meeting with the mature, sensible ones among them. Trust me, it is not a new thing to them. They see these kinds of cases very regularly. Explain to them and they will advice on the next course of action which will likely be dispatching an officer to talk to your boys, or invite them to the station. They won't be arrested. They will only be counseled and made to sign an undertaking (this applies to the younger one).

Warn the older one that since he is now a man that wants to start staying outside without your consent, the next time he pulls that stunt, he will go and look for another apartment. The question here is will you have the mind to follow through with your threat? As for the smallie growing horns, get the police involved. I speak from experience.

And don't forget to pray. There is nothing too hard for God to do.

This sounds like Miss Tony Stark.

Well, this is spot on. Most children don vow to be haughty, rebellious and stupid.

ibechris:
I picked my belt to beat my children yesterday,and lo and behold my wife said,I should take it easy before they will hate me when they become adult. I then asked,is it that women aren't good in training up children or what?...although we laughed it off

U see,my father beat the hell out of us when we were little children and today, I cherished the discipline,the shouting and all sorts as an adult and I have come to love my dad more as my mum never like us to be caned.

Today,many women are complaining just like the above,but how does that solve the problem when the problem couldn't be nipped in the bud at a tender age.

This is no time to complain,have u sat down with them instead of whining and complaining. I remembered those days when my father used to stand us up for close to 2hours talking sense to us.,in fact,my immediate younger brother would be standing and sleeping but in all,it all turned out good today.

Solution:

Ground them, but reasonably. Grounding children is an age-old disciplining technique. ...
Take away privileges. ...
Your house, your rules. ...
Let them face the consequences. ...
Do not issue commands. ...
Let them mend things. ...
Give them more responsibilities. ...
Befriend them.

Exactly My Point.
Women Think You a Beast and sometime even help the kids to Hate You....When you Apply tough Love.
That Tough Love is What Molds a Child Correctly.
i swear.
i can relate to your Upbringing 100% : The Result is Good Kids

OvertheTop:



Exactly My Point.
Women Think You a Beast and sometime even help the kids to Hate You....When you Apply tough Love.
That Tough Love is What Molds a Child Correctly.
i swear.
i can relate to your Upbringing 100% : The Result is Good Kids

Parenting without a father is often tougher but as long u are alive,do your best. Never fall for the emotion that most women bring in.

I don't understand why many of you insist that single mother can't train a male child to be someone in life.
Me and my siblings were trained by single mum cus my dad died when I'm less than 1. My mum brought us up to be the men in the family we are. My elder siblings are all married with children except me sha ( reason of not being married is best know to me)

But you see my cousins who luckily to be identical twins, has been a bone of contention in the family. At 20 their dad is still beating them to change but yet no effort to show any changes on them, rather they will instead fight the man.
Though I told the man to stop beating them, cus I don't buy the idea of beating someone above 15, rather you give them advise on daily basis to see if they will change.
The other guy brought woman into his dad roof last year cus he impregnated the girl.
They have been committing several crime since they were 13. Smoking, gambling, sex with different girls, stealing, tilting of hair plus dreadlock, piercing of nose etc.
They once wiped their dad life savings through getting hold of his arm card. Their mum is crying hell cus of the useless boys most of the time. Especially when they commit crime that warrant police or vigilate group arresting them.
Even me that is their older cousin whom they call BROTHER, has talk sense into them severely to change but no way. I even try making arrangement with army men to torture them but I don't think is the right way cus it will make them more hard MEN.

So my advice Ma is for you to sit them down and talk sense to them and make them feel and understand what you've passed through to make them the boys they are now. And make them know the lane they are following now won't do them any good rather than destroy them.

Peer pressure is the main cause of adolescents becoming wayward in our society today. Especially those ones that tends to join cult early and also the quick money scheme gang (Yahoo family).

Anobody:
I'm a single mother of two teenage sons, lost my husband 10 years ago and have been struggling to cater for them singlehandedly. My first son is 19 and the last 17 years but I'm getting fed up with the disrespect and regret not taking them to the village so I could remarry.

They both left secondary school and working to save up for school and I don't ask them for a dime. My last son suddenly started behaving like a tout, pierced both ears and turning his hair to dread, takes my stuff without my permission and even to extent of holding my hands when I get furious to beat him.

My first son is dating a girl and spends all his money on her to the extend of asking me for transport fare sometimes. Sometimes they come home by 10 or 11pm and are ready to fight me if I get furious to discipline them.

What broke the camel's back was that my last son went to a friend's bday party overnight without telling me, my first son said he called to tell him he won't return and NONE OF THEM TOLD ME under my roof.

I've tried talking calmly, denying certain privilege and discipline but it keeps getting worse, my last option is to take them back to their father's village before I die of hbp.

I'm depressed nairalanders�, please I seek matured advice, thanks.

Please help me push to front page

This is likely a result of the discipline and fear you did not put in them while young.

Probably, you were raising them with love-love like hollywood tell most people is "the way to parent".

It is probably too late now and you have fully lost control.

That said, if you wanted to save your mental health, you would have barred a child from entering the house after he went to a party without permission. Let him find a place to live or be homeless for a while and then you will see how he would be begging. The fact you allowed him back easily shows an example where your parenting failed.

This is typically the result of kiss-kiss parenting!

DAMIMONY:
Are you an oppressive mother?are you always on social media?are you promisious?are you an insultive mother? Are you a power toxic person? Are you the type that curse ur kids? Are you the type that claims superiority? Are you the know all mother?Are you a moody mother.please check yourself,check where you went all wrong,check how you have treated this boys without apology,check what they have caught you doing.consider that this guy's hustle to maintain their self.its the little care and love he couldn't get from you that's making him spend on a little girl.be careful what next you do else you might loose them forever.wisdom is not power,not by age.send me your number for more counseling.but u Bleep up that I know

This Your Method (apologies to kids)...will produce Wild Kids....
once they mix-up with Street bois....You see wen

Klass99:


Seven blessings to you . You took the words out of my mouth, words I was too tired to type on this thread.

You see the text in bold ehn......I wonder if people don't understand that children (whether toddlers or teenagers) are still human beings with a mind and a will of their own. They may choose to follow their minds and exercise their own will, in spite of your best efforts and the good home training you provide.

If Pastor Paul Adefarasin narrates the story of his life and what a nightmarish terrorist he used to be to his parents/family ehn, you will think his parents didn't train him either. But they did, however, he was one child out of others, who decided to do his thing until Heaven hijacked him for their purposes. Will you now blame the parents too for one sheep who strayed? As if the entire flock of sheep were not trained? When they were in fact, all given the same training.

I have always known parenting is an extremely challenging task because of the minds and wills of individuals involved. Children are not robots who will obey every command or always do right.

I kept reading and was seeing blames here and there and there was none of the woman responding to any, she must have felt defeated despite her efforts, I had to check and saw she made the post at midnight and was last seen past 5am with only that one post from her. We can do better as individuals.

I can imagine them encountering a young robber instead of them doing the needful, will they start insulting the parent and looking for them to be arrested for not training and indulging the child's bad habit.

Nwaajasa:
yeah she can't do it alone that is why she needs Jesus to help her, Jesus said in John 15 : 6 that without me you can't do anything, you think that these boys was not posses by the spirit of this last days

If only you spoke with that woman. She knows all these scriptures you're quoting here. Pray you don't find yourself in her shoes. Prayers and fear of God is easier sown in the heart of younger kids. The Bible says train up a CHILD in the way he show grow. I blame their mother for all this. She didn't do enough. Now if God doesn't touch their hearts, hmmmm. From the nature of her issue, they need military discipline at least for a month. Coupled with counseling from total strangers on different topics. Then top it with prayers and the word of God. They will change. They still need a male figure else nothing will change

It's glaring that you didn't train them up properly when growing up and they are also lacking the presence of fatherly role in the family, you should have remarried after your husband was late, taking them to be village won't solve the issue, just keep praying for them to change.

Channah1:
Hm... A similar case to the one in my former compound. The woman ended up having stroke and was taken to the village. A young woman in her late 40s for that matter.
Now the tout son walks around the whole local market with his friend taking weed and living a dirty life.

You better leave the house unannounced because taking them to their fathers village won't work. Who's gonna take them from you? Or you think they too will be gullible to let you bundle them down there?

Just secretly get a place for yourself and leave now that you're still alive and in one piece.

Raising male children in this era of rottenness among teenagers and youth is not an easy task even with a father involved.

Sorry to say this but I think Iike the woman I cited, you raised them up badly because I still know of some small boys that this woman's son grew up with ( in the same compound) and how they turned out well because their mother trained them very well and never allowed them to go past the compound gate except they're going to school or on errands.

These ones Graduated from the uni and rented their own apartments before our very eyes while the other woman was always supporting her boys in looking for trouble and fighting people in the compound would abuse and lash anyone that tries to correct her boys.

At a point she was even bragging that no brother in the compound can challenge her son. This is a son that refused to go to school or learn any skills. No matter how hard the mother tried, he'll drop out or run away from where he's learning a skill. This he did until the mother came down with stroke.

Poor parenting could also be the cause of your predicament.

Awon "Don't beat my child gang." This is how it always ends.

Thank you.

These love-love, "modern", "progressive" hollywood parents.

They think say the challenges they and their kids will face if the child fails is the same as the one of a failing kid in America?

Don't prepare your child for Nigerian life and reality and see how things go bad real quick.

Anobody:
I'm a single mother of two teenage sons, lost my husband 10 years ago and have been struggling to cater for them singlehandedly. My first son is 19 and the last 17 years but I'm getting fed up with the disrespect and regret not taking them to the village so I could remarry.

They both left secondary school and working to save up for school and I don't ask them for a dime. My last son suddenly started behaving like a tout, pierced both ears and turning his hair to dread, takes my stuff without my permission and even to extent of holding my hands when I get furious to beat him.

My first son is dating a girl and spends all his money on her to the extend of asking me for transport fare sometimes. Sometimes they come home by 10 or 11pm and are ready to fight me if I get furious to discipline them.

What broke the camel's back was that my last son went to a friend's bday party overnight without telling me, my first son said he called to tell him he won't return and NONE OF THEM TOLD ME under my roof.

I've tried talking calmly, denying certain privilege and discipline but it keeps getting worse, my last option is to take them back to their father's village before I die of hbp.

I'm depressed nairalanders�, please I seek matured advice, thanks.

Please help me push to front page

Don't you have males in your family or late husband's side? Tell them so they can rope them and use pepper to show them pepper and then use blala on them, works magic those days on us, don't know if it still works.

The other easy but painful way is to vamoot! Them out of your house, they should find their way, they are old enough,

chukwuibuipob:
Joke keh? I still transferred the pics to my phone.The poor woman is a local govt janitor

What are you doing with the mother's naked picture?

eskuvoisrael:
Please take them to the military school, if possible Nigeria military depot, they are highly needed. They are good materials for the sector.
My elder sister has one little brat here too, when I talk to the boy as an uncle she will pick offense Right now if she beats the boy, he makes sure he return his own back. Seriously I don't know how women thinks.
A Male Child is not same as their female counterpart, they need strong voice to bark at them when they go wrong. Most times its not by beating them. But that ironic voice that threatens.

@ the Bolded.
This is Always the Problem...
They think you are a Beast to Apply Tough Love.

Without Tough Love, the Result is an Incontrollable Kid much Later capable of Slapping the Mother

threegees:
I feel your pain, madam.
Sadly, you allowed it get to this level.
However, it is not a hopeless situation.
Can you pray? Because discipline at this time is nearly impossible.
Please pray for them every day and night.
Don't say anything to them again.
Just pray for them.
I believe they will be mellow and listen to you, before they would become cultists and make you a grandmother soon.

The typical useless and senseless "pray".

Pray wey una don dey pray for decades and una lives dey get worse.

chukwuibuipob:
The good book says TRAIN up your child in the way he should GO and when he is OLD,he will NOT depart from it(Prov22:6)The Bible isn’t a story book. Even if your husband is alive,if u dnt discipline them,they’ll give u headache as they are doing now. It is too late to drag them back to village..Dnt take them to where they’ll give the poor old ones HBP with their waywardness.Go on your knees and PRAY

More useless prayers!

Hezzyluv:


They would come back. Let her just quietly leave the house for them and never let them know where she is.

The problem about this solution is that:
if they become worse...like being Robbers....They can come back to kill their Mum for Not putting them on the right path and then Abandoning them!

In most cases I have seen its caused by bad parenting. And if ure more sincere with urself you are the cause of this problem because you paid less attention to little things until it turns bigger. Sexuality apart, when I was growing up my dad used to say mother's don't knw how to train children but the bitter truth is true. Not all mothers but majority. Now ur children is out of hand ure seeking for advice but tell urself the truth you failed woofully bringing those boys up. I'm 30yrs old and doing well on my own, running my own biz and leaving in a different state from my parent but do u knw there is this respect and fear in even bringing a girl home. And a boy of 17 and 19 dey do such nonsense, them no even born me well to pierce ear when I dey my papa house. Pls single ladies with children here learn from this ladies mistake because the evil we fail to destroy today will destroy us tomorrow. There is a difference between discipline a child and Pampering a child.
Many of us here dislike our parent because we thought they never loved us to when we grow up we understood their style and some of us are successful because of strict upbringing which we thought was hatred.

Well my one percent for you right now is to look for someone that will bring those boys to other in a very strict and discipline manner if not they might get involved in arm robberies and lots more. I have seen a father locked his male child for 2yrs in prison finally wen the boy came out no be person tell am to humble himself. What u need now is a strong and strict disciplinary action or risk the chance of having a reasonable son back. Thanks

@Anobody

You are the one that said you must give birth to boys and when you did, you forgot to raise them well.

I know your type.

Lay on the bed you made biko.

Gamesmart:


Thank you.

These love-love, "modern", "progressive" hollywood parents.

They think say the challenges they and their kids will face if the child fails is the same as the one of a failing kid in America?

Don't prepare your child for Nigerian life and reality and see how things go bad real quick.

Exactly. Maybe they think they won't be around when these spoilt children grow up but funny enough they grow rapidly these days and before you say jack, they are already adults giving you heat in your house.