Persephone1:
I'm still taking classes on how to be feminine

folake4u:
Good evening ladies and happy new month 💋 😘 😗

I saw this Instagram post and decided to bring here for our discussion. What do you think? Especially for the writeup on the body of the post on IG?

https://www.instagram.com/p/Cs6lbidIvki/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Take away questions:
1. What do you understand by a lady being feminine or what I usually call (Queen and Princess state of mind here on NL)

2. Do you think a woman can be a high flyer and still retain her femininity

3. If yes to 2, how?

4. If no to 2, do you believe a woman can have a successful functional relationship without it?

5. Any other thoughts around the topic.

cococandy:


What’s a high flyer? I don’t want to assume I know what you mean by that to avoid misinterpretation.

But on the topic of femininity, there’s this new internet wave of what it means to be feminine where young girls are being led to believe that being feminine means you must be soft, demure and in deference to men. Literally what our foremothers fought against years ago is being repackaged and sold to young women as the new standard of femininity.

Hashtag soft feminine life.

Usually they use it when they are displaying themselves in what they assume to be a luxurious lifestyle provided by a man and in which they don’t really have to do anything except to be young and beautiful, cater to the man, allow him his excesses and be apologetic for their existence as long as he holds up his own end of the deal which is to give them money. Which is great if that’s a well informed choice they are making for themselves seeing as that would no longer be applicable as soon the lady in question turns 45-50 years old. Thus setting in resentment later in life.

Personally I believe femininity is subjective and no two women can be feminine in the same exact way. There are so many varieties of women. Quiet, soft spoken, strong, matronly, demure, quick witted and brave. Each person will display their femininity based on their personality and style. There are women who are born leaders even when amongst men. But because of traditional expectations that they defer to men, their leadership qualities are wasted on the alter catering to men’s “natural authority”. Which can lead to frustration.

Just be yourself. Do what makes you happy. If a woman has to put up an act to appear more feminine and more appealing according to what is expected of her as female, then that’s not her brand of femininity.

I’ll add more when I get a clear meaning of what high flyer refers to. Thank you for the topic of the day

folake4u:
Good evening ladies and happy new month 💋 😘 😗

I saw this Instagram post and decided to bring here for our discussion. What do you think? Especially for the writeup on the body of the post on IG?

https://www.instagram.com/p/Cs6lbidIvki/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Take away questions:
1. What do you understand by a lady being feminine or what I usually call (Queen and Princess state of mind here on NL)

2. Do you think a woman can be a high flyer and still retain her femininity

3. If yes to 2, how?

4. If no to 2, do you believe a woman can have a successful functional relationship without it?

5. Any other thoughts around the topic.


Cc
Mindlog
Hathor5
FirstGenAmerican
cococandy
dollyjoy
Dorcaz
chitheo
Nia69
Eunoiaa
Uyailncomparabl
peacefulhome
Zaynie
ahnie
Farfalla
AmazonTopaz
Octopussy
Splendblex
Passionnfruit
LadyGazelle
sisitito01
Lamanii22
Goodlady

dollyjoy:


The truth is, I don’t understand the full grasp of what femininity actually entails (yet) but one time I read one of my favorite diaries(now deactivated ) were she explained tapping into that feminine energy and not everytime gra gra!

I put it into practice and I noticed that being “feminine” or rather appearing to be “soft” has a way of getting things done especially with the opposite sex

For instance, one time I was caught by an army man making a call at their barrack, the man took my phone and told me I won’t get it again. Immediately I remembered her tutorials and smiled softly at the man, in my sweetest voice I was appealing to him, when he doesn’t seem to be moved, I faked a tear
The man give me my phone back after “don’t try it again” a man wouldn’t have had it that easy or rather, if I hadn’t appeared to be weak, perhaps

From that day I realized life no be gra gra( in some circumstances sha)
It has worked for me in so many other ways. I get things done easily with a little smile, knowing when to say sorry, eye contacts, knowing when to keep quiet, wearing the right perfumes and a little neck bending

Since that time, I perceive femininity as being soft spoken, appearing to be meek, carrying one self with a certain form of gentleness, it could be the way a woman make eye contact, her smile, even the way she walks! a total state of being “girly”

God bless Yettymuse wherever she is, I didn’t have the chance to tell her following her femininity tips got me my phone back without much stress



Please what is high flyer? I am hearing that for the first time or do you mean a woman who is well to do?

Persephone1:
I'm still taking classes on how to be feminine

Geminita:



1. By embracing my gender and not attempting to switch gender. Society says that "women" should be cool-headed and not form "strong". For me, it's just when one embraces one's womanhood (Just like what Klass said).

2. Of course.

3. Knowing when to stop and not acting too bossy.

5. Personality has a role to play in this. We can't act the same way. The most important thing is just to do " YOU" and be reasonable.

Persephone1:
Lol @Folake and Bukatyne una sha wan drag me down this lane by fire by force.

The thing is the word Feminity and Masculinity sound limiting, caging, and boxing to me. Let me explain.
You see when people list characters that are expected to be displayed by a specific gender I find it very very hard to digest. In my perception, it is trying to mold a human into a specific shape or structure thereby limiting his (both genders) abilities and uniqueness. The truth is Man and Woman characters can not be easily separated no matter how people try. For example it is expected of women to be overly emotional, nurturing,temperamental and impatient but in reality, some men exhibit these attributes more than some women. A guy had cried severally in my presence because of his misbehaving girlfriend while I have never shed a tear in the presence of anyone apart from my family member as an adult. Some women are calm, not nurturing, emotionless, and very patient. Lol, ma I add LOGICAL . I do not believe in gender differences. I believe humans have strengths and weaknesses. Aside from biological / Physical features, I don't think a man and a woman differ, society makes it seem so.

I once dated a guy who was so insecure around me. The dude practically went as far as verbally abuse just to break me and make me "come down from my high horse" . It's not that I'm proud or I talk much lol but to him I didn't exhibit the characters society have conditioned him to expect from a woman. I'm not dependent, I express my displeasures in the most gentle way ever, I don't shout. I don't do things most ladies do, I loved him differently. Lol as matter of fact when I wanted to break up with him, I wrote him a letter. Yes that weird and maybe archaic, my choice of music? lol make i no go there . I believe he didn't know how to handle or deal with my kind of person. It's not my fault my conditioning was different. I'm just me. ..
This is how far society have influenced people into thinking a gender should act and behave a specific way. To me it's bullshit! It is changing the nature of a person. Putting the unnecessary burden of conforming to an idea different from a persons genetic makeup.
So if I can lift an item of 50kg, I shouldn't because it will make me masculine? Is that how I am expected to live? Hell No!

A woman can achieve a lot, be an high flyer and retain whatever she wants to retain. As long as it is not detrimental to humanity.

Yes she can. She should find someone who believes what she believes. It's one of the reason I don't bother myself with Nigerian men or at least the conditioned ones. The problem is we Nigerian women don't explore. We say yes to whoever "finds" us and not position for who we want to find us. There's a difference. Lol Not me though

No other thoughts, I don type too much.

folake4u:


1. Omo! Just like Persephone1 said, I'm still taking classes in being feminine. 😂

Well, for me, a lady being feminine means one is true to herself. I'd use the word AUTHENTIC.
There's beauty in a lady being authentic to herself. To me, what works for A doesn't necessarily mean it'd work for B.

Well, Klass99 said something that struck me:


In this scenario, a lot of women do this, which sometimes don't make them true to themselves. I'm talking about the word "pretend" here. Well, it might work for some and others, it won't just work.

I'd take myself as an example. I'm terrible at pretending. I can't do it for long too.
For someone like me, pretending to be a "damsel in distress" doesn't work, you'd see through me and I'd be caught in no time. I'd have no option to say "Oya oya, you don catch me". 😂😂😂

BUT...
When I'm genuinely in need for something and I'm hopeless and looking like a lost puppy, subconsciously my "damsel in distress" mode is already activated, when you see me sef, you fit dash me your last kobo.

I observed myself for a while and know what works for me and I stay true to my feminity.

Then secondly, I don't have energy to "pretend" and do stuffs that wont make a man feel emasculated or feel insecure. If he's insecure, that's his cup of sour akamu.

And then again, there are some men that you meet and instead of them activating your feminity, your masculinity jumps out of nowhere. 😂😂😂

Okay. I have said too much.

2. Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!

3. By being true to herself. My mother, Aunties, high flying sistas and friends didn't come this far in their life and career by pretending to be what they're not or downplaying their potentials so as not to bruise a male ego. And it's a common trait with all the Women in my life.

Further comments:
A. Well, my thoughts on this matter is that women should look for positive and well meaning female friends that they can learn from. I have learnt a lot from some women I met here on Nairaland. Their impact is amazing. I am still learning.

B. Women should learn to embrace their femininity. Whether it's booking a spa session or hangout with friends or doing something they love. Just whatever.

C. Women should learn to recognize backhanded compliments from Men and refuse it.

I am a very straightforward person and when I do smart things, they give backhanded compliments like "You're very smart, you're thinking like a man". It is not a compliment. Rather, I find it insulting.

I usually ask "What do you mean?" with a frown on my face. And then they get the code and apologize immediately.

My work colleague knows better now. One time I was following him home and there was a car at the front, he kept yelling at the man "Why you dey drive like woman?" I gave him a bombastic side eye. He avoids saying nonsense to me in his car.

That is not to say I appear masculine. I am a very soft babe. I nor resemble man at all. 😂😂😂

D. Whether we like it or not, we should appreciate ourselves more. Whether masculine or feminine side and know when or not to use it.

I didn't come this far in my life/career by playing a "damsel in distress" but my ambition, stubbornness and doggedness brought me thus far and I appreciate myself for that.

E. Femininity is a weapon and one should seek partners that activate our feminine nature.


I rest my case.

folake4u:



Ohhhhh. It's buka.tyne that brought up the high flyer talk. I guess she means a career oriented lady.

Yes yes. I love your answers. Apt and spot on!

I do not subscribe to this current trend of luxurious lifestyle as being feminine.

If you even check my answer before yours, I also said that Women should be true to themselves cos what works for one woman might not necessarily work for the next.

But please add more. I'm loving your contribution.

dollyjoy:


The truth is, I don’t understand the full grasp of what femininity actually entails (yet) but one time I read one of my favorite diaries(now deactivated ) were she explained tapping into that feminine energy and not everytime gra gra!

I put it into practice and I noticed that being “feminine” or rather appearing to be “soft” has a way of getting things done especially with the opposite sex

For instance, one time I was caught by an army man making a call at their barrack, the man took my phone and told me I won’t get it again. Immediately I remembered her tutorials and smiled softly at the man, in my sweetest voice I was appealing to him, when he doesn’t seem to be moved, I faked a tear
The man give me my phone back after “don’t try it again” a man wouldn’t have had it that easy or rather, if I hadn’t appeared to be weak, perhaps

From that day I realized life no be gra gra( in some circumstances sha)
It has worked for me in so many other ways. I get things done easily with a little smile, knowing when to say sorry, eye contacts, knowing when to keep quiet, wearing the right perfumes and a little neck bending

Since that time, I perceive femininity as being soft spoken, appearing to be meek, carrying one self with a certain form of gentleness, it could be the way a woman make eye contact, her smile, even the way she walks! a total state of being “girly”

God bless Yettymuse wherever she is, I didn’t have the chance to tell her following her femininity tips got me my phone back without much stress



Please what is high flyer? I am hearing that for the first time or do you mean a woman who is well to do?

dollyjoy:


The truth is, I don’t understand the full grasp of what femininity actually entails (yet) but one time I read one of my favorite diaries(now deactivated ) were she explained tapping into that feminine energy and not everytime gra gra!

I put it into practice and I noticed that being “feminine” or rather appearing to be “soft” has a way of getting things done especially with the opposite sex

For instance, one time I was caught by an army man making a call at their barrack, the man took my phone and told me I won’t get it again. Immediately I remembered her tutorials and smiled softly at the man, in my sweetest voice I was appealing to him, when he doesn’t seem to be moved, I faked a tear
The man give me my phone back after “don’t try it again” a man wouldn’t have had it that easy or rather, if I hadn’t appeared to be weak, perhaps

From that day I realized life no be gra gra( in some circumstances sha)
It has worked for me in so many other ways. I get things done easily with a little smile, knowing when to say sorry, eye contacts, knowing when to keep quiet, wearing the right perfumes and a little neck bending

Since that time, I perceive femininity as being soft spoken, appearing to be meek, carrying one self with a certain form of gentleness, it could be the way a woman make eye contact, her smile, even the way she walks! a total state of being “girly”

God bless Yettymuse wherever she is, I didn’t have the chance to tell her following her femininity tips got me my phone back without much stress



Please what is high flyer? I am hearing that for the first time or do you mean a woman who is well to do?

folake4u:



Beautiful response. As you type full paragraph now, did you die? Tell me.


I like the way you put this word: "Humans have strength and weakness". Underrated but deep!

bukatyne:


😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 @ bukàtyne brought up the high flyer talk.

High flyers are women who have grown in their careers, businesses or chosen trade.

bukatyne:
I must add that femininity can be learnt; just how we learn to be hardworking, persevere, integrity etc. etc. Folake4u's response to me with the chart is a really good place to start.

Also, women have a dose of masculinity how men have a bit of femininity; knowing when to use what is also key.

Persephone1:
I didn't die jare, it's just the right now I need bobo, hollandia yogurt, caprisone, peak yogurt, fearlez, fanta, red wine,soda, vodka, pink wine,palmwine😒😒. I have lost weight. 🤕🤕 Infact I feel 🤧.

It's the way I see people, one man's strength is another's weakness. To say all men or all women must or should posses specified characters does not make sense to me. So if a woman can not give birth will she turn to a man? If a man lacks physical strength does he become a woman?

The thing no too gel for my mind I no just dey loud am.

Persephone1:
Lol @Folake and Bukatyne una sha wan drag me down this lane by fire by force.

1. The thing is the word Feminity and Masculinity sound limiting, caging, and boxing to me. Let me explain.
You see when people list characters that are expected to be displayed by a specific gender I find it very very hard to digest. In my perception, it is trying to mold a human into a specific shape or structure thereby limiting his (both genders) abilities and uniqueness.

2. The truth is Man and Woman characters can not be easily separated no matter how people try. For example it is expected of women to be overly emotional, nurturing,temperamental and impatient but in reality, some men exhibit these attributes more than some women. A guy had cried severally in my presence because of his misbehaving girlfriend while I have never shed a tear in the presence of anyone apart from my family member as an adult. Some women are calm, not nurturing, emotionless, and very patient. Lol, ma I add LOGICAL . I do not believe in gender differences. I believe humans have strengths and weaknesses. Aside from biological / Physical features, I don't think a man and a woman differ, society makes it seem so.

3. I once dated a guy who was so insecure around me. The dude practically went as far as verbally abuse just to break me and make me "come down from my high horse" . It's not that I'm proud or I talk much lol but to him I didn't exhibit the characters society have conditioned him to expect from a woman. I'm not dependent, I express my displeasures in the most gentle way ever, I don't shout. I don't do things most ladies do, I loved him differently. Lol as matter of fact when I wanted to break up with him, I wrote him a letter. Yes that weird and maybe archaic, my choice of music? lol make i no go there . I believe he didn't know how to handle or deal with my kind of person. It's not my fault my conditioning was different. I'm just me. ..

4. This is how far society have influenced people into thinking a gender should act and behave a specific way. To me it's bullshit! It is changing the nature of a person. Putting the unnecessary burden of conforming to an idea different from a persons genetic makeup. So if I can lift an item of 50kg, I shouldn't because it will make me masculine? Is that how I am expected to live? Hell No!

5. A woman can achieve a lot, be an high flyer and retain whatever she wants to retain. As long as it is not detrimental to humanity. Yes she can. She should find someone who believes what she believes.

6. It's one of the reason I don't bother myself with Nigerian men or at least the conditioned ones. The problem is we Nigerian women don't explore. We say yes to whoever "finds" us and not position for who we want to find us. There's a difference. Lol Not me though

No other thoughts, I don type too much.

folake4u:



Lol. My dear, it's not only you oh.
She say na pink wine. 😂😂😂😂

Yesterday I drank Caprisun, today I took Berry Blast. This country dey wear me out daily.

Pele. Try and feed well so you won't lose more weight oh. Ahhh.


Hehehe. For real. Na why I nor like that tag "Strong woman" cos e dey do me somehow for my body. 😂😂😂 I nor wan strong oh, I wan soft abeg.

One man's strength is another's weakness. Indeed you have spoken well. And that's why I don't just follow people to do what they're doing cos there is no just one path in life. Everybody's path in life is different and it also applies to men and women characters.

bukatyne:


A lot to unpack here.

1. I see the pretending to be a 'damsel in distress' a lot and not just here. Like you and Klass99 said, people would see through pretense which is often termed 'female manipulation or wiles'. A genuine damsel in distress (especially for a woman who can hold her own) is a great turn on for a masculine man. A masculine man loves to be needed, he would not agree to be just an accessory in his woman's life. He wants her life to be a testament to his handiwork. There are unfortunately very feminine men now who are insecure, do not want to lead in a relationship yet would resent when the woman takes up the mantle of leadership. Like someone said, even though he is feminine, he still has the masculine need for respect: double wahala for dead body.

3. If you watch them closely, you would notice that while they do not downplay their capabilities to cater to a fragile ego, they do not lead with it either. They know when to be his princess or baby girl and when to be his queen or 'mother phase'. It is a balance.

A. Fantastic! I am a huge advocate of female to female mentorship and peering. You learn a lot from fellow women. I love someone sited she learnt a bit of femininity from yettymuse before deactivation.

B. I like this too. That why I advised someone here last week to increase her skincare time. Femininity needs pampering and care. Like I say, it is 'expensive' to be a woman mbok!

C. Some of these compliments are from stereotypes and goes both ways. Sometimes, I don't sweat it.

D. Truly, men and women have a bit of masculinity and Femininity in them. It is expected that the corresponding 'sexuality' is higher in the appropriate sex and each person knows when to you use it. You are right that to succeed at work, you embody more of your masculine (though I luckily had bosses and senior female colleagues who radiated Femininity). However, you need to switch to your feminine in your relationship. That's the polarity needed to make a healthy relationship thrive.

E. Fantastic closing remark and I love the images attached to your post. Would help others have more perspective to the discussion.

bukatyne:


When I hear strong, independent, boss babe, boss lady etc, it gives the vibes that being a woman/lady is not enough.

It also reminds me of 'strong man' in the Bible which is actually an 'demonic power/force'. Maybe that's why don't use the tag in the first place.

A man you attract with the boss babe/ strong independent vibes is a feminine man who wants you to lead the relationship, perhaps be the major breadwinner and still be 'respected' as the boss.

So monkey dey work, baboon dey chop

folake4u:



Ohhhhh. It's buka.tyne that brought up the high flyer talk. I guess she means a career oriented lady.

Yes yes. I love your answers. Apt and spot on!

I do not subscribe to this current trend of luxurious lifestyle as being feminine.

If you even check my answer before yours, I also said that Women should be true to themselves cos what works for one woman might not necessarily work for the next.

But please add more. I'm loving your contribution.

cococandy:
I see. Pardon me. I saw your mention and responded. Didn’t know the conversation was ongoing before then. Just saw that now.

Going with the definition of high flyer being a career oriented lady, I’m guessing your question was how can a high flyer lady be feminine? The answer is by being herself. There’s no script written anywhere on how to be feminine. Granted some characteristics get picked up by the nurture of society around you but at the end of the day, your nature will shine through. If it’s you then it’s not you. Trying to act it will only result in exhaustion.

If you’ve noticed there are many femininity coaches on tiktok and instagram trying to teach how to harness ‘divine feminine’ energy. They look and sound ridiculous because they are obviously trying too hard. Some even go as far as “don’t wear so and so colors. Only sit in a certain way. Smile like this.”

Exhausting!

folake4u:



Lol. My dear, it's not only you oh.
She say na pink wine. 😂😂😂😂

Yesterday I drank Caprisun, today I took Berry Blast. This country dey wear me out daily.

Pele. Try and feed well so you won't lose more weight oh. Ahhh.


Hehehe. For real. Na why I nor like that tag "Strong woman" cos e dey do me somehow for my body. 😂😂😂 I nor wan strong oh, I wan soft abeg.

One man's strength is another's weakness. Indeed you have spoken well. And that's why I don't just follow people to do what they're doing cos there is no just one path in life. Everybody's path in life is different and it also applies to men and women characters.

Lol, it wasn't referring to the country's situation even though it's terrible right now but I was referring to the effect that long paragraph has on me . . Oh so it's Caprisun and not caprisone

That tag ehn, anytime I hear it I think of possible hardship the woman has gone through in life. Arrrrrhhhhggggg! They keep pushing and pushing but because she didn't break or at least the broken part of her isn't visible, they decide to reward her with the term "Strong Woman" ahhhhh. Men don dey gaslight women no be today. The worst part is women themselves will be shining teeth and hailing each other for being strong. Not me o 🤷 . If you can't treat me well, make life better for me please pack your bag and go biko.

Exactly my sister, know yourself (like you quoted in one of your posts). Do what's best for you. I filter things a lot, I take that which I know I need to improve on and leave out others. The idea is to be the best version of yourself. You have said it all.

Persephone1:
Lol, it wasn't referring to the country's situation even though it's terrible right now but I was referring to the effect that long paragraph has on me . . Oh so it's Caprisun and not caprisone

That tag ehn, anytime I hear it my minds start to think of possible hardship the woman has gone through in life. Arrrrrhhhhggggg! They keep pushing and pushing but because she didn't break or at least the broken part of her isn't visible,they decided to reward her with a term "Strong Woman" ahhhhh . Men don dey gaslight women no be today. The worst part is women themselves will be shining teeth and hailing each other for being strong. Not me o 🤷 . If you can't treat me well, make life better for me please pack your bag and go biko.

Exactly my sister,know thyself (like you quoted in one of your posts). Do what's best for you. I filter things a lot, I take that which I know I need to improve on and leave out others. The idea is to be the best version of yourself. You have said it all.

folake4u:
Good evening ladies and happy new month 💋 😘 😗

I saw this Instagram post and decided to bring here for our discussion. What do you think? Especially for the writeup on the body of the post on IG?

https://www.instagram.com/p/Cs6lbidIvki/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Take away questions:
1. What do you understand by a lady being feminine or what I usually call (Queen and Princess state of mind here on NL)

2. Do you think a woman can be a high flyer and still retain her femininity

3. If yes to 2, how?

4. If no to 2, do you believe a woman can have a successful functional relationship without it?

5. Any other thoughts around the topic.

bukatyne:


1 & 2. Men & Women are different; express needs and wants differently, are concerned about different things, seeks different things in each gender etc. The difference is not just because society said so. You can look up Folak.e4u's post on the previous page where she had the chart attached on masculinity and femininity. For instance, if you pick one million couples across different cultures, you will find that larger percentage of women & men (above 75% just to be generous) would have same experiences and 'complaints'. Gender stereotypes also exist for a reason: a larger percentage of each sex falls into that bucket (even if it might be exaggerated for good or evil). That doesn’t negate the fact that all humans have their unique differences (weaknesses and strenghts).

3. While there is no context to the relationship issues, I noticed you said 'I am not dependent'. The truth is every man wants to be needed by his woman. The need might not be monetary even though the masculine loves to share his resources (sweat) with his woman. That's why a man makes more money and thinks of spoiling his woman or getting more women. Your man wants to look at you and say 'I am responsible for that beauty in her life; I am adding that '. If a man doesn't feel needed, he walks out; if a woman doesn't feel needed, she bends backwards to prove she is useful. (Just chipping this in for the next guy). Though with the verbal abuse and trying to break you, it is good riddance to bad rubbish. If he was masculine, he would known how to communicate his concerns without the hysterics. Also a masculine man defaultly brings out the feminine in his woman.

4. I believe we can learn to be feminine within our personality (how it is said daddies teach their boys how to be men). Mbok, why do you want to lift 50kg of rice when there are men around you? You should only lift such weights in the gym please (You made me remember babyosisi when she was cutting chicken and shouting she was 'doing Azubuike's work'

5. True

6. These concepts are not Nigerian concepts

Persephone1:
Thank you at Cococandy for your last response. Let everyone be who they are and not who society wants them to be. It is exhausting. A man who loves to cook and care for his children may not do that because he doesn't want society to think his wife is controlling him. A woman who wishes to be a high flyer will limit herself because in a society the Man should be a high flyer. A man is expected to shut his anger, pain and emotions just to appear strong but when he eventually let all these out it gets grievous and detrimental to people around him. It's all nonsense to me.