Nia69:
Good morning.

I'm shocked people take classes on how to be feminine.


1. Femininity and masculinity are both social construct and can be restrictive. But things are changing now. It's best to just be yourself.


2.Yes, a highflyer can retain her feminity by practicing self care; it's very important. Making meaningful relationships and knowing how to set boundaries.



Don't let the society norm limit you, be true to yourself.

folake4u:


People even pay money on how to stay elegant. 😂😂😂😂

Bottom line of what everyone has said so far is being true to oneself and it totally makes sense that we all agree on that.

Thank you so much for your response, Nia.

Teespice:


They call it finishing school. Zeelicious foods even does a segment called Winnie's school of elegance.

To the topic at hand, I believe in staying true to myself. Damsel in distress or not, I am not afraid to ask for help when I need to. The highest I would get is a no and I would never be resentful of who tells me No because they have their reasons for declining to help.

That said, it gets tiring when you are being referred to as "strong". I don't want to be strong biko. I can't be strong at the work place and then still come to my happy place and be acting " strong". There are days I want to vulnerable but when you think of the fact that there are people who would want to take advantage, you will be left with no choice but to keep pretending which isn't good because for how long will one continue to pretend.

Las las, do you...everyone will adjust accordingly.

folake4u:


People even pay money on how to stay elegant. 😂😂😂😂

Bottom line of what everyone has said so far is being true to oneself and it totally makes sense that we all agree on that.

Thank you so much for your response, Nia.

Nia69:
It's funny, to be honest.

Yep.

You're welcome.

folake4u:


Very funny indeed.

Thanks once more and have a lovely day ahead.

folake4u:


God bless you!

1. People can really see through pretense and term it female manipulation. Na all these pretense dey make alfa meils open unnecessary threads for Nairaland and disturbing our peace.

You said it all. I am not a typical "damsel in distress" chick BUT once I enter into that state, people (male and female) would move mountains for me because it is a rare sight to see me in my helplessness.

2. These days, na feminine men full everywhere sha. God airpus.

3. Yes, yes. You're right. They balanced that phase. Especially the "mother phase" and "queen phase". Spot on!

A. I love female friendships a LOT. If you meet the real good ones, you'd appreciate life. I'm also a big fan of Yettymuse, loved her even. Learnt a lot from her. I knew her offline but when I changed my phone and came back, she had already deactivated.

B. Lmao. I advice advice and tell my female folks to invest in skincare and perfume. They go hand in hand. I'm also a big advocate of listening to soft music as a way of relaxing the nerves, lighting up scented candles in one's room etc.

C. In my legal profession, they address female lawyers as "Gentleman on skirt". For fuçks sake, that's so old school. Even female Judges are referred to as "Sir".

D. Yes, for one to succeed at workplace, one have to roll up the sleeves and put in all the work. Although, in my former workplace, the two female Bosses I worked with didn't use their masculinity to get up there, they used their feminine side and it worked for them. I thrived on my "masculinity" to get the job done.

5. Uhm about the relationship part. I think that's where the problem çome sometimes. Sometimes we also take that masculinity into the relationship. It brings issues though cos there's no balance.

I feel it's important to just find a BALANCE FOR EVERYTHING.

E. Thank you Buka.

folake4u:


Lol. I have washed my hands off anything "Strong, boss lady". I like being independent and working hard for my money but I don't overdo it. If anybody wants to pamper me, why Not?

I see some ladies offer to pay for date and I'm always shocked. I don't know the point they're trying to prove sha. That's not also how to prove that you're independent or whatever. Let the man be the man and handle the goddamn bills!

My male friends treat me like a baby anytime we go out. Na them dey pay if all of us decide to go out, I'm actually a baby or last born in their midst.😂😂😂 I won't say cos I'm an independent woman, they should allow me to handle my bills. I am not even being entitled here but they just tell me not to worry at all.

Strong man, strong woman. E dey give me headache.

Leemao. I cannot even attract a feminine man oh cos Omo, asides my career ehn, I'm lazy, I can't be breadwinner of the family (I'd run mad doing that) and I can't even respect someone who's not providing for his family.

The Bible even said Any man who can't provide for his family is worse than an infidel.

folake4u:


Yes. That's the question. Thank you sooo much for replying.

Seriously speaking, there's no script written anywhere written on how to be feminine.

The famous philosopher, Socrates once said "Man know thyself" and truly, it is in knowing oneself that we see and acknowledge what works (or not) for us.

I can't even pretend or act for long. It is exhausting. Faking a smile alone for me is a chore as my cheeks hurt really bad 😫😂 talkless of pretending to be what you're not.

I don't follow all those content creators on TikTok and IG on their nonsense write-ups. It is very obvious that they're trying too hard and only shows they're FAKE and not staying true to themselves.

I stumbled on this babe's page on YouTube @ Winnies school of elegance. Na she dey talk make women nor wear some certain colour or sit in a particular way. On her episode of "Elegant women should not wear these", I disagreed with some of the points she noted.

Personally, everyone does not have the same fashion taste and sense of style. And I found out also that insecure people try to fit others into their boxes so that they won't feel lonely.

It is really exhausting, to say the least.

Persephone1:
Thank you at Cococandy for your last response. Let everyone be who they are and not who society wants them to be. It is exhausting.

1. A man who loves to cook and care for his children may not do that because he doesn't want society to think his wife is controlling him.

2. A woman who wishes to be a high flyer will limit herself because in a society the Man should be a high flyer.

3. A man is expected to shut his anger, pain and emotions just to appear strong but when he eventually let all these out it gets grievous and detrimental to people around him. It's all nonsense to me.

Klass99:
Lol 🤣, from the comments and contributions so far. It's an enjoyable read.

I hate cooking! I can have all the ingredients for a tasty yam sauce, yet, I would rather boil yam and use red palm oil, salt and pepper to eat it. I hate it when a man (friend or date) says......so when am I going to eat your food/soup or when am I coming to your house for lunch? The thing dey vex me die!

cococandy:


What’s a high flyer? I don’t want to assume I know what you mean by that to avoid misinterpretation.

1. But on the topic of femininity, there’s this new internet wave of what it means to be feminine where young girls are being led to believe that being feminine means you must be soft, demure and in deference to men. Literally what our foremothers fought against years ago is being repackaged and sold to young women as the new standard of femininity.

Hashtag soft feminine life.

2. Usually they use it when they are displaying themselves in what they assume to be a luxurious lifestyle provided by a man and in which they don’t really have to do anything except to be young and beautiful, cater to the man, allow him his excesses and be apologetic for their existence as long as he holds up his own end of the deal which is to give them money. Which is great if that’s a well informed choice they are making for themselves seeing as that would no longer be applicable as soon the lady in question turns 45-50 years old. Thus setting in resentment later in life.

3. Personally I believe femininity is subjective and no two women can be feminine in the same exact way. There are so many varieties of women. Quiet, soft spoken, strong, matronly, demure, quick witted and brave. Each person will display their femininity based on their personality and style.

4. There are women who are born leaders even when amongst men. But because of traditional expectations that they defer to men, their leadership qualities are wasted on the alter catering to men’s “natural authority”. Which can lead to frustration.

Just be yourself. Do what makes you happy. If a woman has to put up an act to appear more feminine and more appealing according to what is expected of her as female, then that’s not her brand of femininity.

I’ll add more when I get a clear meaning of what high flyer refers to. Thank you for the topic of the day

bukatyne:


@ bold: was she referring to ladies knowing the colour that compliments their skin tone e.g. colour wheel theory and other further maths calculations for colour or did she say all ladies shouldn't wear a particular colour? Winning does too much some times sha

A part of femininity is knowing your body type and dressing it up accordingly. Infact coping the reigning style if it doesn't suit you is fashion suicide. That's why see a lot of croissants wearing wriggle dresses and drums wearing crop tops.

bukatyne:


In examples 1 - 3, I think you have mistaken indiviual societal expectations with what femininity and Masculinity should be. Read Folake4u's chart again.

Klass99:


🤣. I'm glad it made you laugh because it is not funny when they ask. It annoys me because they want to come to your house to eat food you cooked. They still expect that when you visit them, you will enter kitchen to cook food both of you will eat.

Thanks to an older woman's advice years ago I no dey do that second one of going to a man's house to cook or display my home keeping skills. She told me and my flatmate then, not to do that unless they've put a ring on it. However, we can cook in our own place and invite them over for lunch or dinner, or even pack the food in a nice container and ask them to pick it up.

I don't mind the same question from a fellow woman, because with a woman I know that if I tell her I am coming over she will cook/prepare for my visit and I will do the same thing if she was the visiting. It is not that when I reach her place, she will be telling me she has egusi and stew in the fridge, whether I can turn semo, boil yam or rice for us to eat.

Nia69:
Good morning.

A. I'm shocked people take classes on how to be feminine.


1. Femininity and masculinity are both social construct and can be restrictive. But things are changing now. It's best to just be yourself.


2.Yes, a highflyer can retain her feminity by practicing self care; it's very important. Making meaningful relationships and knowing how to set boundaries.



Don't let the society norm limit you, be true to yourself.

bukatyne:


Well, they are strong women who do not want to be disrespected by men. If only they knew that you can cloth a man, feed him, he would beat you up (infact, that's the summary of the IG post I brought here) and give your money to a slay mama to buy Brazilian hair. If a masculine man sees you as a woman he loves and wants, he doesn't need your money/wealth at a base level. Yes, you might have to split bills, have a joint pot, yada yada (if his paycheck cannot take the family home) but what he values is your femininity.

Also, some women are operating from the wounded feminine (daddy issues, disappointments especially from romantic relationships, others experiences etc.) and cannot receive. They see every effort to help/gift from the point of disrespect. I am not talking of a man giving you a gift when he has made it clear he wants sex or relationships and the woman is trying to be smart o

😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 @ Bible said; you have joined Ybaby's Church. That passage was actually talking to men and women in reference to taking care of their aged ones but feel free to use it to knock sense into their heads.

cococandy:



Personally I believe femininity is subjective and no two women can be feminine in the same exact way. There are so many varieties of women. Quiet, soft spoken, strong, matronly, demure, quick witted and brave. Each person will display their femininity based on their personality and style. There are women who are born leaders even when amongst men. But because of traditional expectations that they defer to men, their leadership qualities are wasted on the alter catering to men’s “natural authority”. Which can lead to frustration.

Just be yourself. Do what makes you happy. If a woman has to put up an act to appear more feminine and more appealing according to what is expected of her as female, then that’s not her brand of femininity.

bukatyne:


1. Don't mind the 'alfa meils'; most of them are hungry 'I never chop boys or young boys toying with things above their paygrade' that should be looking for jobs or admissions to higher institutions. When you hear things like 'all career women have sugar daddies' or 'they slept their way to the top' or 'XYZ' or 'where is the work of N100k/month in Nigeria?', you should know the calibre of people you are dealing with.

2. And they would continue to increase. Modern feminism and the West generally have continued to batter masculinity churning out feminine men. Then you have the scourge of single motherhood so no male examples for their sons who either grow up with mummy issues or hate their gender. Could be the reason we have more transgendering into females. Nigeria doesn't fare any better; the boys are brought out with fragile egos that they begin to cower around women who can hold her own and/or try to break her. Bullying is a sign of inferiority complex. I remember when men/guys had the patience to actually woo a lady and wait for her reply. Today, you hear 'are you doing or not doing' via WhatsApp! I love Bobby Valentino's Slow Down, it is a good old school music.

3. I love that you noticed that

A. Female friendships are fun. I also love female bosses, and as I grew more, I gravitated towards female underwear vendors. I can sit in your stall and tell you how I want thongs matching my bras and you will dig out various patterns for that purpose while we chit chat lightly. Yettymuse seems to be a G, she reminds me of Ybaby.

B. 100% pass mark. When you are done, you feel like a lady or a princess.

C. Warris this? I am sure I would have gotten a ban from the court or charged for contempt when I will tell someone sweetly that 'a gentleman in skirt is a crossdresser; I am a lady' . Represented my company in court once and giggled when I was told to address the female judge as 'Sir' and not ma. After the third giggle, she wanted to charge me for contempt and I received sense sharperly.

D. Femininity is powerful. I remember a lady in a tough role then. She would tell you no with a smile that you would 'pity her for the burden for saying no'. She was very beautiful, feminine, had a nice shape which wasn't so pronounced based in the cloths she wore. Then another lady took over (had badass figure , wasn't so feminine and had serious issues that she would dig out her predecessor's mail and be like see 'I am not trying to be difficult; even XYZ said no before'. That's when I learnt that femininity actually trumps sexiness.

5. It is really really key to find that balance when in a relationship. Leading in your masculinity would attract a feminine man; Perhaps she got a masculine man or a man in the middle if the relationship progresses and the woman continues in her masculinity, he would either leave her in that relationship (physically or emotionally) or tilt towards feminine. Some people are not grounded in their 'sexuality' and tilt towards the opposite end of the energy received from their partners. That's why a man can be 'irresponsible' or not manly with woman A and become a perfect gentleman with woman B. Or a woman is a tigress with man A and becomes a dove with man B.

E. You are welcome. And I apologise that I have and would continue to spam your mentions as I redirect peeps to that post.

Persephone1:
1. All human express needs and wants differently, all humans are different. It is not limited to men and women. All humans seeks different things from each other. Some men seek respect and peace, some submission and love, some a woman that turns them on , needs varies according to desires and what is missing in individual's life. Some women value peace , some provision, some respect again according to desires and what is missing. All humans differs , twins are not the same. Society (people) sieve out similar characters, promote it as a standard for a gender and shut out unlikely characters. Gender stereotypes? Exactly! They are stereotypes,they aren't true. People do not always fit into a box.

3) We were in school, I definitely won't bill a guy sponsoring himself while my parents provides my needs. I shouldn't have to ask if he wants me to enjoy his "sweat". Lol... Conditioning at it again. Okay let move on from this.

4) What is feminity, let's start with that.

6) It should be.

Klass99:


I missed that diary entry fa 🤣. So far, so good. You're doing well.

Teespice:


They call it finishing school. Zeelicious foods even does a segment called Winnie's school of elegance.

To the topic at hand, I believe in staying true to myself. Damsel in distress or not, I am not afraid to ask for help when I need to. The highest I would get is a no and I would never be resentful of who tells me No because they have their reasons for declining to help.

That said, it gets tiring when you are being referred to as "strong". I don't want to be strong biko. I can't be strong at the work place and then still come to my happy place and be acting " strong". There are days I want to vulnerable but when you think of the fact that there are people who would want to take advantage, you will be left with no choice but to keep pretending which isn't good because for how long will one continue to pretend.

Las las, do you...everyone will adjust accordingly.

Klass99:


Example 1 - I use a full orthopaedic mattress and it is heavy like hell. It took two grown men to bring it into my room upon delivery. I am able to lift that same mattress alone, by myself, remove it from the bed frame, lift the supporting boards and shift the main frame, to sweep and mop under my bed, then arrange everything back as I like it.

My bed frame is box-like in design I can't sweep or mop underneath unless I do that and I don't mind because I dread the mere thought of insects and cockroaches dying there unchecked. I once had a male friend visit in the middle of my chores, he saw what I was about to do and offered to help.

He tried to lift the mattress and struggled with it for a few seconds, while grunting and asking what kind of mattress did I buy like this? I told him to please step aside and not bother, in one swift movement I did what he couldn't and I could see from the look on his face and body language that he felt somehow.

Another time a different friend visited, I effortlessly lifted my Cway dispenser bottle to replace it with a finished one and he goes why would I do that when he is here, why couldn't I ask him to assist me? In my mind I am like I live alone and I am used to getting things done by myself, if you people are not here will I not do these things.

These days when I am in the presence of male company I kukuma act like a task is beyond me, I ask or let them take the initiative of doing the heavy lifting, before they continue to think this girl has issues

bukatyne:


1. While I do not dispute individual differences, men and women are different as white & black and each sex wants certain things in a relationship either Yoruba, Igbo, Japanese or Togolese. For instance, men want respect. Where the difference comes is what respect means to each man, what respect means in that culture, if he loves you, if he is God fearing, if he is masculine etc. But the need is same.

3. I don't think I told you to bill him. I have never billed a guy myself. My husband while dating just knew it was his duty to spoil his babe whether with N10 sweet or N1k pair of shoes. Infact, then I was operating more in my masculine (learning to balance) so would never ask for anything. I said a masculine man gives (money, time, resources, advise, muscles etc) and a feminine woman must learn to receive her man's gifts.

4. Look at the chart in Folak.e4u's post on the previous page

6. Then you don't know your target men.

I feel this discussion is something you would get in future after more experiences, observation of relaionship dynamics with men and exposure.

It would make more sense to you then.

Do you know what I like about you Buka? It is how you construct narratives with little information and state them as fact . And you defend this fact with everything. Lol
1) All men do not want the same thing, never make that mistake. What Man A will look out for first my be the last or non existent on Man B's list. Respect means Respect, Peace means Peace. Level of tolerance is what differs. Man C may frown at calling him pet name, Man D may smile at it, all men from the same culture and society. Again need is never the same. Know thy Man.

2) When I typed I'm wasn't dependent with him. You immediately interpret it to not giving him the chance spend or spoil me. Lol Who doesn't want to be spoiled but I won't ask or bill a student. He ought to be proactive. By not being dependent means I wasn't needy, I don't call him everytime something goes wrong or act like a typical baby girl. It's not totally monetary. Again you are not being Masculine by not asking, it is called self respect and being considerate. And if she doesn't love or want this gifts? What happens? She loses her feminity? . Are you saying if I reject a gift from someone I'm dating because it is not genuine (probably to sweep an issue under the carpet) does that mean I'm being Masculine?

4. Please stop referring me to that chart, it is irritating my n**ples . As long as it is not some divine scroll but a write up represented in chart and uploaded by someone from a society, it can not stand because most of the classification are interwoven in reality. My question to you is what is feminity? What makes someone feminine ?

5) Lol 😂😂😂😂😂 I don't know my target men and I've been screaming Mexican beauties since the beginning of this year. Please don't make me laugh. I know myself, I know what I have to offer, I know what suit me best so I know my target men.

Lol there goes Buka again with the assumptions . I kuku don talk am before say I no wan share opinion o. 🤷

Persephone1:

Please stop referring me to that chart, it is irritating my n**ples .