₦airaland Forum

Iykenuwa:
Forgive her if she reaches out to apologise.

Obviously na small pikin de worry her.

general111:
:Dhe is only trying tk keep his marriage

TheGift:
"Maybe I would have just stayed back home in Nairobi 7 years ago, may it could not have been this bad. This is my Canada reality!"

I wish more people would be honest about their Japa reality, especially married couples. Many are being forced into single parenthood by virtue of relocation realities and demands. Sometimes the families we are so busy hustling for end up becoming strangers to us.

ontarioache:
Hello all,

A mutual friend has drawn my attention to this thread

https://www.nairaland.com/7357845/complex-marital-issue-thoughts-please/15#117128240

MY RESPONSE.
First let me thank our mutual friend Imelda for drawing my attention to this.

Well, I am here to set the record straight.
I did not see any need to respond, but some commentators really got me laughing hard so let me indulge you all.

To kick start, I am in touch with my 2 kids on almost a daily basis, and the event she described is not the first time. Hanging up on me is a routine since we married, it has happened un-countable times. Also the guys that said I am childish are right, when they finish reading they will truly know that, no man will behave the way I have, except a child. Lastly, I am fully responsible for the upkeep of my family, every penny and not much age difference between us. I have never hung up on her for one day. She has even blocked me on phone over some arguments while we live in same house. (LOL)

For the readers, what happened is this :

You called me that you were going to made some budget and you will be spending … amount of money on that plans- you know the plan. I told you it was okay and we kept on talking about It. ( I did not raise any issue immediately to avoid conflict) so after some days, I told you that next time, it will be appropriate that we ought to discuss such plans together and that it was not the best for you to decide all by yourself and only informed me of what you have chosen to do for a decision that affects the both of us. You flared up immediately that I do not have the right to tell you that, and THAT YOU ARE ALONE WITH THE CHILDREN (like you always say) and furthermore, you said you have many things that you are doing at the same time. I then replied you that I also have many things going through my mind. ( I replied you this way because you always say this, anytime I want to have a discussion with you. You even say this even while we were together, and I will just be amazed). You flared up and insulted me then hung up.

I called you immediately many times. I called you again at night, I sent you several messages, although I did not apologize directly but the messages I sent reflected that I was sorry. In one of the messages, I explained that I was critical of the amount you intend to spend , because you do know we have other more pressing plans that we needed funds for, and that what your budgeted was a bit too high. But you refused to let go like you have always done for these 8 years. Every week for 6 weeks I sent you messages that you never replied to.

In this period, you also changed apartment without even deeming it fit to tell me. (Yes I know before this misunderstanding, it was already the plan that you will be changing apartment. But the anger still did not allow you tell me as at when you finally moved to the new apartment, till now, it has been more than 3 months that you moved, you still did not inform me although the children told me about it, you know they did, but I expected that at least you should tell me about it by yourself.)

I did not just stop picking your calls because I wanted to stop, I did it for my self respect and sanity. It is the first time I am refusing to pick your call, or even not to talk to you after 8 years of marriage.

Have I ever held any grudge against you for more than 24hrs ?, have you ever had to apologise more than once on anything without me accepting your apology immediately, that is even if you choose to apologise at all. ? !. Rather you are the one that reminds me at every giving opportunity that I know you can decide not to talk to me again and stay on you own, and that I am the one that will suffer. In precise terms, you always do this, while I was at home. You can stay on for weeks and months without talking to me for the slightest misunderstanding, I am always the one that will try and make peace, and each time you either humiliate me by refusing to make peace till whenever you are satisfied. It has been like this for these 8 years. Even if I want to hold a discussion with you at home, it is either you are busy on the phone, and If I try to ask you to focus you just tell me I should summarize and that you listen with your ears, and not your phone or your hands. However, sometimes ( like 20 per cent of cases) you do listen to me.

Even when the children are being difficult, you threaten them by telling them to go ask their father the kind of person you are, and that you do not tolerate nonsense from anyone.(lol, when I was young, our mothers threathen us with our father) Yes, you are right, I wonder why you are so proud of these difficult attributes of yours.

Recall that before that very day that you hung up on me,( in fact also since the beginning of the union), you have been insulting me on each time I call, If we are discussing and I ask you a question about what you have said, you always say that I don’t pay attention. You accuse me of not caring about how you managed the children alone by yourself. I understand it is hard to raise 2 kids under the age of 6 all by yourself, however like I have always told you, lets thank God, it could have been worse- not having children is hard, having children is also hard.Remember at home, your mother and your sister once said that, I show too much care for the kids and that is the weakness that you are using against me. This is from your own family. Imelda was also there !

I can barely talk to you on phone, each time I call you, you tell me you are busy with the kids, and most times you just ask me to summarise and then you hang up even while we were at home together, you say the same thing.

Recently before this sad event you even said if I do not call before 9.45pm, I can no longer reach you, few times when I have to call like few minutes to your deadline, no matter how important our discussion is, once it s 9.45 pm, the phone disconnects and that will be it.You can not even bend that rule for me. You barely return my calls, if you see my missed calls, sometimes it may take you days and most times you do not return them at all, if I ask, you are quick to say, you are alone managing the children and that your are already too stressed up to be bothered about missed calls.

Much earlier than this incident that you hung up on me, you asked me never to wish you any kind of good wishes like happy birthdays, Christmas, mother’s day and all those. Because you said I do not care that it is all lip service. I thought it was just frustration, but for the last 1 year, you have consistently refused to respond to my Christmas, New Year and even your birthday wishes.You ignored all my wishes!
5 months before that faithful day that you escalated your disdain for me to a whole new level, you talked to me on the phone with reckless abandon, even on my birthday, you managed to call me around 11 pm and your birthday wish to me was this “ I WISH YOU WHAT YOU WISH YOURSELF”, I told you it was not a fair wish, and the next thing, it led to outburst again and that was that, and you hung up.

Remember, you forgot my birthday for the past 3 consecutive years.

Obviously, in the preceding 5 months, you have been looking for what I will do so that you can cut me off, the opportunity came and you took it like a Viking.

How often can a married woman stay without getting in contact with her husband for this long over a matter as simple as that, and she is not bothered at all.

I needed to let go for once. I am tired of fighting for the advancement of this union. It has been 8 years of this gruesome treatment. You think everyone is wrong apart from you.

Please if there is any FALSEHOOD in what I have written, I will be glad that you tell your audience. IMELDA YOUR SISTER IS READING THIS AND SHE CAN TESTIFY TO ALL THESE. Moreover, this is just one small aspect of all that has happened these past 8 years. I just decided to skip a thousand others.I only choose to focus on this alone. You know there are a thousand things that are worse than this that you have done.

I am glad that the vast majority of your audience could not be manipulated by your story.

Maybe I would have just stayed back home in Nairobi 7 years ago, may it could not have been this bad. This is my Canada reality!

I would be a liar if I say it has not been daunting and I do not miss you. However, I have since come to the realization that no matter what , no man should dine in the table where love, respect and dignity are not served ! This is my new reality!

Dear Wife, Enjoy your own reality that you created for yourself and stay blessed...!

Iseoluwani:
Many people judged the man wrongly

Now can you now see the REALITY..

dear wife, I plead with you, don't follow the advice of divorce, submit to your husband. EPH 6:1-3. PLS FOR THE SAKE OF OF YOUR LOVE, not even children. Be humble, pride and ego is about destroying your home. Pls bend rules, u seems to be a perfectionist and as a councillor perfectionist are the hardest to deal with, bit if you have the life of God Zoe, you will bend your rules to build your home


Husband my husband, thank you for speaking out, at least people wouldn't judge you wrongly, OK then, pls forgive her as Christ would forgive us 70*7. Pls I beg you, she is already fed up when she tasted a part of the bitter pill. You know it from her write up, just forgive her, if you have the finances to come home, pls do and settle it. Tell her how much you miss her and settle it. You have tried but try harder. I feel you are a melancholy, and as a thinker when you feel the urge to speak, she doesn't give u attention and it hurts. Both of you are coming better and stronger

Imelda, thank you for showing this to your sister husband believing you have the mind of helping them solve the quarrel.


Nairaland ears, no be all pst you go just comment like mumu, rationalise the equation before talking nonsense

Irupetepete:
bro, you no go even understand this man until you are in his shoes... As I dey read am, my anger is at 10000% cos am going through same, mine is 11yrs

tiswell:
Don't be like OP's ex wife who would always tell op to summarize.[b][/b]

na the matter we still dey settle

ontarioache:
Hello all,

A mutual friend has drawn my attention to this thread

https://www.nairaland.com/7357845/complex-marital-issue-thoughts-please/15#117128240

MY RESPONSE.
First let me thank our mutual friend Imelda for drawing my attention to this.

Well, I am here to set the record straight.
I did not see any need to respond, but some commentators really got me laughing hard so let me indulge you all.

To kick start, I am in touch with my 2 kids on almost a daily basis, and the event she described is not the first time. Hanging up on me is a routine since we married, it has happened un-countable times. Also the guys that said I am childish are right, when they finish reading they will truly know that, no man will behave the way I have, except a child. Lastly, I am fully responsible for the upkeep of my family, every penny and not much age difference between us. I have never hung up on her for one day. She has even blocked me on phone over some arguments while we live in same house. (LOL)

For the readers, what happened is this :

You called me that you were going to made some budget and you will be spending … amount of money on that plans- you know the plan. I told you it was okay and we kept on talking about It. ( I did not raise any issue immediately to avoid conflict) so after some days, I told you that next time, it will be appropriate that we ought to discuss such plans together and that it was not the best for you to decide all by yourself and only informed me of what you have chosen to do for a decision that affects the both of us. You flared up immediately that I do not have the right to tell you that, and THAT YOU ARE ALONE WITH THE CHILDREN (like you always say) and furthermore, you said you have many things that you are doing at the same time. I then replied you that I also have many things going through my mind. ( I replied you this way because you always say this, anytime I want to have a discussion with you. You even say this even while we were together, and I will just be amazed). You flared up and insulted me then hung up.

I called you immediately many times. I called you again at night, I sent you several messages, although I did not apologize directly but the messages I sent reflected that I was sorry. In one of the messages, I explained that I was critical of the amount you intend to spend , because you do know we have other more pressing plans that we needed funds for, and that what your budgeted was a bit too high. But you refused to let go like you have always done for these 8 years. Every week for 6 weeks I sent you messages that you never replied to.

In this period, you also changed apartment without even deeming it fit to tell me. (Yes I know before this misunderstanding, it was already the plan that you will be changing apartment. But the anger still did not allow you tell me as at when you finally moved to the new apartment, till now, it has been more than 3 months that you moved, you still did not inform me although the children told me about it, you know they did, but I expected that at least you should tell me about it by yourself.)

I did not just stop picking your calls because I wanted to stop, I did it for my self respect and sanity. It is the first time I am refusing to pick your call, or even not to talk to you after 8 years of marriage.

Have I ever held any grudge against you for more than 24hrs ?, have you ever had to apologise more than once on anything without me accepting your apology immediately, that is even if you choose to apologise at all. ? !. Rather you are the one that reminds me at every giving opportunity that I know you can decide not to talk to me again and stay on you own, and that I am the one that will suffer. In precise terms, you always do this, while I was at home. You can stay on for weeks and months without talking to me for the slightest misunderstanding, I am always the one that will try and make peace, and each time you either humiliate me by refusing to make peace till whenever you are satisfied. It has been like this for these 8 years. Even if I want to hold a discussion with you at home, it is either you are busy on the phone, and If I try to ask you to focus you just tell me I should summarize and that you listen with your ears, and not your phone or your hands. However, sometimes ( like 20 per cent of cases) you do listen to me.

Even when the children are being difficult, you threaten them by telling them to go ask their father the kind of person you are, and that you do not tolerate nonsense from anyone.(lol, when I was young, our mothers threathen us with our father) Yes, you are right, I wonder why you are so proud of these difficult attributes of yours.

Recall that before that very day that you hung up on me,( in fact also since the beginning of the union), you have been insulting me on each time I call, If we are discussing and I ask you a question about what you have said, you always say that I don’t pay attention. You accuse me of not caring about how you managed the children alone by yourself. I understand it is hard to raise 2 kids under the age of 6 all by yourself, however like I have always told you, lets thank God, it could have been worse- not having children is hard, having children is also hard.Remember at home, your mother and your sister once said that, I show too much care for the kids and that is the weakness that you are using against me. This is from your own family. Imelda was also there !

I can barely talk to you on phone, each time I call you, you tell me you are busy with the kids, and most times you just ask me to summarise and then you hang up even while we were at home together, you say the same thing.

Recently before this sad event you even said if I do not call before 9.45pm, I can no longer reach you, few times when I have to call like few minutes to your deadline, no matter how important our discussion is, once it s 9.45 pm, the phone disconnects and that will be it.You can not even bend that rule for me. You barely return my calls, if you see my missed calls, sometimes it may take you days and most times you do not return them at all, if I ask, you are quick to say, you are alone managing the children and that your are already too stressed up to be bothered about missed calls.

Much earlier than this incident that you hung up on me, you asked me never to wish you any kind of good wishes like happy birthdays, Christmas, mother’s day and all those. Because you said I do not care that it is all lip service. I thought it was just frustration, but for the last 1 year, you have consistently refused to respond to my Christmas, New Year and even your birthday wishes.You ignored all my wishes!
5 months before that faithful day that you escalated your disdain for me to a whole new level, you talked to me on the phone with reckless abandon, even on my birthday, you managed to call me around 11 pm and your birthday wish to me was this “ I WISH YOU WHAT YOU WISH YOURSELF”, I told you it was not a fair wish, and the next thing, it led to outburst again and that was that, and you hung up.

Remember, you forgot my birthday for the past 3 consecutive years.

Obviously, in the preceding 5 months, you have been looking for what I will do so that you can cut me off, the opportunity came and you took it like a Viking.

How often can a married woman stay without getting in contact with her husband for this long over a matter as simple as that, and she is not bothered at all.

I needed to let go for once. I am tired of fighting for the advancement of this union. It has been 8 years of this gruesome treatment. You think everyone is wrong apart from you.

Please if there is any FALSEHOOD in what I have written, I will be glad that you tell your audience. IMELDA YOUR SISTER IS READING THIS AND SHE CAN TESTIFY TO ALL THESE. Moreover, this is just one small aspect of all that has happened these past 8 years. I just decided to skip a thousand others.I only choose to focus on this alone. You know there are a thousand things that are worse than this that you have done.

I am glad that the vast majority of your audience could not be manipulated by your story.

Maybe I would have just stayed back home in Nairobi 7 years ago, may it could not have been this bad. This is my Canada reality!

I would be a liar if I say it has not been indaunting and I do not miss you. However, I have since come to the realization that no matter what , no man should dine in the table where love, respect and dignity are not served ! This is my new reality!

Dear Wife, Enjoy your own reality that you created for yourself and stay blessed...!

Oboys12:
Op I just read both the original post of your wife and this rebuttal and I can see that her's isn't any different from yours only that you elucidated more. I'm glad many people have told her the gospel truth on her own post, first and foremost the world doesn't revolve around her, Bros let me be frank with you, apparently you married a wrong choice. That's not a wife that's all I can say. I can't imagine myself being treated by a woman that way. I'm even angry imagining it sef. Anyways it's time you take your decision as a man and do the needful. I understand the environment you find yourself (Western World) empowers women so much over men perhaps that's why she is taking undue advantage of you.
Bros do the needful

Edandy:
It looks like you force yourself on your woman. May be she used you as an alternative to her original partner probably when that one broke her her. Now, inside this marriage, she still has not come to term that she eventually lower her standard.

You have tolerated too much. This kind of women are so manipulative just exactly like my brother wife. The everyone is wrong except me. The feminist gang. My friend, focus on yourself, your children and your well wishers. I do not encourage divorce. But even the distance alone is already causing separation. Do what you can do and leave the rest. Unfortunately, people don't change except for spiritual intervention like salvation. Peace. May God heal your home.

kingthreat:
Never believe a woman's side of the story.
It is told with emotions and lies so you absolve her from every blame

DaCharis2016:
I thought it was only mine that could go on for long without talking to me. Hmm! I wish I was not living together with her. I'm planning on how I can just leave her in the house and go somewhere she won't see me anymore for long. Just that my son will be missed greatly, and the unborn won't see me for long until I get to see her somehow someday.

Women are terrible beings.

Note: I'm yet to finalize the union and she's acting this way. While a friend advised I go on with the mrrg that she will adjust later, if it's the opposite I should just divorce. (That turns me off completely) I was told sth like this before I pumped it in again, yet she's the same in her unglorifying ways.

TheGift:
"Maybe I would have just stayed back home in Nairobi 7 years ago, may it could not have been this bad. This is my Canada reality!"

I wish more people would be honest about their Japa reality, especially married couples. Many are being forced into single parenthood by virtue of relocation realities and demands. Sometimes the families we are so busy hustling for end up becoming strangers to us.

Killbillz:
[b]Most women don't deserve soft love. If u mistake show them soft love they take it as weakness and ride u to hell and back. [/b]Give them better heat.. yes gbas gbos hard love is the only way with these modern witches. Reading through the op Omor u have really suffered. All ur facial features and expression go done bend anyhow due to constant oppression from the demon u married. Thank God u dey get urself back. Try to find happiness in ur kids. She probably might be getting jacked by one jobless individual. So she sets ti me for u to call and when u don't she's not reachable.. Lol na devil herself dey ur house nor be even demon. Just maintain ur lane bro and care from afar to save the little honour u got left else u will be reduced to ugwu leaf