@ Poster, be careful cos there is little difference between salt and pepper, for you to have brought the issue of your matrimonial home to discuss with strangers here on Nairaland shows you have failed, even the bible says let no man put asunder, You must have a role to play at some point for your husband to become this wayward, maybe you denied him sex for like 2 or 3 months years ago, that why they advice all women to be careful.

Tell me if you divorce your husband, what kind of kids will your children turn out to be, they will keep on seeing different men coming to see u and spend the night, and forget about getting married again, you know it is almost impossible.
Learn from David Beckham wife, she knew her man cheated, she acted maturely and saved her marriage, but look at Ashley Cole wife, she divorced the Chelsea football star and now she is back with him, she has found out there is no greener grass out there, to be honest women were made to stand and understand such things, men will be men, if your husband was the president of Nigeria, will you be here saying such, am sure your man earns little and that why you re here ranting.

For the first time, I cosign on what mobo999 said. If the poster likes, let her follow the advice of these crayfish heads who can never dare try what they suggest. The ones who have, live in regret each day and are desperatly seeking to break the homes of others to increase their numbers. What if he married her only traditionally? Dem born anybody papa well to say "he cheated"? Na craze? Na becos u see person wey dey stoopid enuf to sign marriage kwantract! Nonsensem

People always talk about the effect of divorce on children. I don't think people even think of the effect of an abusive relationship on children. The typical Nigerian marriage and mentality for that matter is to sit there and wait for things to change. The worst part is that as far as culture is concerned there is just this lack of taking responsibility for your actions in everything Nigeria. That is why things are so dysfunctional. The idea that I would ever make a bad choice and then turn aorund and say "he made me do it" even makes me feel ashamed. Like I failed. But in Nigeria you see a man proudly say I was sleeping around and my wife made me do it. There is no shame in it. Man my ass. The best one is the one were people say "the devil made me do it". I have heard it enough times to just accept that it is cultural. The same way that govenment officials do not take responsibility and are not even ashamed of it. the idea of being responsible for something and following through and having that sense of pride that comes with it is foreign to the traditional african man. It is lost in Nigerian culture.
This is what is taught to kids by the time they are 2 years old and you get old ass Nigerian men that are still grappling with the simple thing. WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING WRONG YOU SIMPLY HOLD YOURSELF RESPONSIBLE. Don't find someone to blame. As a matter of fact if someone holds your hand and make you do it focus more on the role you played in allowing them make you do it.

@jennykadry:: You are so wrong about me. But again you might me right, this avenue might have been my litmus test, you know. If you belong to my school of thought that believes in families and see it as a vocation, or if you come from a very decent home and upbringing and is in a marriage with children and a husband you love so very much but that cheats but provides for the wife, the children even so generously to extended family, and does not beat the wife or get vicious, i bet you, jennykadri wld not hurriedly leave that marriage, but will try to find a way curtail her husband's addiction to sxe. Thank you all the same.

@MOBO999:
From your tone, i believe you are an unmarried male and probably not of age, i wld like to throw in a word of caution here, people like you that think this "man's world" really have it going for them tend to be hit badly leaving them with trails of disappointment. Make constructive criticisms, learn wherever you can and always have an open mind. Thank you for your contributions.

Gayi:

I really appreciate all your efforts in putting your thoughts down hear to help my situation. I dcannot say i have not weighed all the options available for me. I am old enough to know exactly when to quit and when to stay put. Sometimes you hear marriages of say 25yrs or 30yrs hitting the rocks. The problem did not just start and end in that 30th yr. It might have been a case like mine and like the woman weighed options and found out that leaving at the 11th or 10th yr of the marriage would have destroyed the children psych and attitude towards life. like i said i can go to any length and take anything just to make sure i raise goodly and godly children. My desire is to make my children to be better than me in all ramifications. Mind you we have a God that sees and knows all things. You see you appreciate love when you live with someone who dodoesn't love, in Nigeria today we all appreciate good governance because we have lived under leaders that do not govern well. So you see (sorry to dwel on it) Richvkunt may have a point because he is living in a similar situation. However, i really appreciate the views of many of the women here, the men will only get to understand these feelings and expressions when they put themselves in the woman's shoes. And a point of correction for some views that point at the bible and trace Roman history to back up their propositions for marital infidelity, you must learn to read objectively and always remember that God's gift of freewill is not to be used erroneously. Furthermore, I strongly believe in the words of my spiritual director, "My daughter nobody can resist love, it maybe very difficult but you must try. Pray for the grace to love him" Yes it is quite to continue to love such a man but, "His grace is sufficient for us". Being a mother and father to my children will not be easy and certainly will not give me the best results. I might be suffering the consequences now but His grace is sufficient for me. Somehow i feel really sorry for him, for i see a man wallowing in his own bad habits. he has a deposit of God in him. do you guys know that when he prays, the whole place is filled with God's anointing, but you see sin has a way of eating deep into one's soul that it makes you not to desire to pray so that you will continue living in sin. He does not pray anymore, he gives exccuses not to go to church, uses work as an excuse not to join in any church activity. I have tried to analyse him thoroughly, and i discover that his growing up has contributed a lot to his behaviour. An only son of 3 children, that had his way with anything and raised by his mother for according to sources the mother was the bread winner and father was no good. So you see ladies, i cshould not repeat history and recycle the same products of children into the society. Somewhere, somehow, later in life one or all of their wives will be here or some other space writing this same thing. As he is not vicious, we will try and work the sxe aspect out if he wants to. I really appreciate all of u. Thank you and God bless y'all.

Gayi,
You just made my day.
Please talk to your husband.
May God be with you and your family.

jennykadry:

This lady was never looking for advise. Her mind was made up even before she posted here. May God not let that man kill you.

Gayi,
IGNORE THIS PERSON.
She is one of those feminists who specialise in destroying womens marriages by advising them to leave their husbands.
I do not believe she is married or has any iota of what it means to be married,infact I sometimes doubt if she has ever been in a relationship,with the kind of advise she dishes out to women.
As I said,listen to her at your own peril.
However I know you are wiser than that.
May the Lord be with you,your husband and your kids.
Goodluck.

While you're having your 'heart to heart' talk, ask him if he can let you cheat too.

@stillwater, can you dare ask a man that rubbish in real life? Women indeed are their greatest enemies. See rubbish talk. Nonsense! Na feminism go end una!

stillwater:

While you're having your 'heart to heart' talk, ask him if he can let you cheat too.

abi ooo
oh Lordy, you just cracked me up. na you biko very funny

Gayi,

First of all, I will advise you to go do a panel of STD tests and make sure you are not infected. As bad as it was that you saw a used condom in the car, the good news is that at least the man is using condoms.

Second, have a talk with your man. Ask him why he habitually cheats. Ask him why he continues to put his family at risk. (In his mind, he probably thinks he isn't putting his family at risk, because he has protected sex). Ask him what you need to do to make him stop cheating.

Third, try to spice up your sex life, perhaps he is missing something at home which makes him goes outside.

Fourth, try to get a good read of him. If your read is that he will never stop cheating, then you have two options: 1) Leave him (however there is no guarantee that your next man won't cheat.) 2) If you decide not to leave, your best bet is to regulate the cheating by setting clear ground rules such as: Protected sex at all times, No sleeping with your friends or anyone you know, He has to spend more time at home with you and his children, etc. In exchange for complying with your rules, you won't keep talking about him cheating.

The ball is in your court. All the talk about religion won't solve much. What I've outlined is the best practical advise you can get.

harakiri:

@stillwater, can you dare ask a man that rubbish in real life? Women indeed are their greatest enemies. See rubbish talk. Nonsense! Na feminism go end una!

Is that a man? Is the question too hot for you? Can I dare ask? Imagine the rubbish.

Genius100:

Gayi,

First of all, I will advise you to go do a panel of STD tests and make sure you are not infected. As bad as it was that you saw a used condom in the car, the good news is that at least the man is using condoms.

Second, have a talk with your man. Ask him why he habitually cheats. Ask him why he continues to put his family at risk. (In his mind, he probably thinks he isn't putting his family at risk, because he has protected sex). Ask him what you need to do to make him stop cheating.

Third, try to spice up your sex life, perhaps he is missing something at home which makes him goes outside.

Fourth, try to get a good read of him. If your read is that he will never stop cheating, then you have two options: 1) Leave him (however there is no guarantee that your next man won't cheat.) 2) If you decide not to leave, your best bet is to regulate the cheating by setting clear ground rules such as: Protected sex at all times, No sleeping with your friends or anyone you know, He has to spend more time at home with you and his children, etc. In exchange for complying with your rules, you won't keep talking about him cheating.

The ball is in your court. All the talk about religion won't solve much. What I've outlined is the best practical advise you can get.

Too much talk, ask him for an open relationship. If you are telling the woman to condone sin, she can as well get a new boyfriend.

Gayi
I am happy that you did not allow the children and lnternet Nigerians confuse you. I hope your husband has a change of heart.

@Genius100:

I have gone for the series of tests and cultures, waiting for the results.

Thanks for the concern. Lets remember that every knife must go to the blacksmith

Gayi:

@MOBO999:
From your tone, i believe you are an unmarried male and probably not of age, i wld like to throw in a word of caution here, people like you that think this "man's world" really have it going for them tend to be hit badly leaving them with trails of disappointment. Make constructive criticisms, learn wherever you can and always have an open mind. Thank you for your contributions.

Well too bad if that your view, all I did was tell you the truth in black and white, you can pretend all you want, in Nigeria men most men have numerious wife or they have girls friends, you not the only one in that boat, the culture in Nigeria ia bad enough, you must stand up and listen to reason, it was this altitude of your that made your hussy cheat on you for over a decade.

Richvkunt:

Gayi,
IGNORE THIS PERSON.
She is one of those feminists who specialise in destroying womens marriages by advising them to leave their husbands.
I do not believe she is married or has any iota of what it means to be married,infact I sometimes doubt if she has ever been in a relationship,with the kind of advise she dishes out to women.
As I said,listen to her at your own peril.
However I know you are wiser than that.
May the Lord be with you,your husband and your kids.
Goodluck.

Hypocrite. You are here asking a woman to stay in an abusive relationship like you stayed in yours? You are here preaching against divorce but your are divorced. Why did you run away from your marriage? what heat couldn't you stand? why didn't you sit down and pray to God to restore peace in your marriage? why did you divorce your wife?

Ode.

Gayi:

@jennykadry:: You are so wrong about me. But again you might me right, this avenue might have been my litmus test, you know. If you belong to my school of thought that believes in families and see it as a vocation, or if you come from a very decent home and upbringing and is in a marriage with children and a husband you love so very much but that cheats but provides for the wife, the children even so generously to extended family, and does not beat the wife or get vicious, i bet you, jennykadri wld not hurriedly leave that marriage, but will try to find a way curtail her husband's addiction to sxe. Thank you all the same.

It is a good thing you made a bet and not vouched with your life. If you have vouched with your life , you would have been dead the minute you typed this and 6ft under. So because a man provides for me , i should stay in the house and accept his cheating habits? so he is using his money to bribe you? oma se ooooo what are you doing? can't you look for a job yourself? or you are sitting down at home doing madam and watching African magic. You think one can only die after physical abuse eh kwa? have you ever considered the kids you will be leaving behind if you get infected with HIV? are you really naive that you think condom guarantees 100% protection?

Yea go with Richy's advise. Misery loves company.

^^^ You are a bad lady, am even ashamed to call you an African sister, your view are full of hate and dislike, you have no compromise in your book, people have now come to know and avoid you in Nairaland Jennykadri.

jennykadry:

Hypocrite. You are here asking a woman to stay in an abusive relationship like you stayed in yours? You are here preaching against divorce but your are divorced. Why did you run away from your marriage? what heat couldn't you stand? why didn't you sit down and pray to God to restore peace in your marriage? why did you divorce your wife?

Ode.


It is a good thing you made a bet and not vouched with your life. If you have vouched with your life , you would have been dead the minute you typed this and 6ft under. So because a man provides for me , i should stay in the house and accept his cheating habits? so he is using his money to bribe you? oma se ooooo what are you doing? can't you look for a job yourself? or you are sitting down at home doing madam and watching African magic. You think one can only die after physical abuse eh kwa? have you ever considered the kids you will be leaving behind if you get infected with HIV? are you really naive that you think condom guarantees 100% protection?

Yea go with Richy's advise. Misery loves company.

Jenny,
I always love your incisive and  bitterly,well thought out contributions.
The lady wants to stick with her husband.
She wants to try and change her husband,because she knows he is human and not perfect.
She loves her husband,and that is why she married him.
She is going to make an effort to keep her man.
So why are you so hot under the collar.
I suggest you go out and look for a man of your own,so that when he cheats on you as he eventually will,you will be able to practice all what you have been preaching to poor innocent women for years.
PEACE!Am out,cos some of us have to go to work.

Jenny, I totally lost interest when she excused his cheating cos he provides for her. Poster your husband has not even started cheating yet, he knows you can't go anywhere, you will take all d cheating as long as he gives u money. Enjoy. Why come here to complain when you are just going back to collect money and take d cheating, don't even use ur children as an excuse you are doing them more harm. My ex husband will tell me dat I can't leave cos he has not done 1 / 10th of the what his dad did to his mom to me and if his mom stayed why should I leave? You are going to raise a man like dat who will think he can treat his wife as a rag and get away with it as long as he can provide. My monthly allowanace with my ex was 200k a month which I almost never spent cos food was bought in bulk, bills were paid half a year in advance but I walked away, during d divorce settlement cos we had a court marriage I was offered a house and 3 cars but I rejected it all, just wanted ma life back didn't want anything hanging me to ma past. My current husband earns even less than me but I have love, Joy and peace. Money can't buy dat

Richvkunt:

Jenny,
I always love your incisive and well thought out contributions.
The lady wants to stick with her husband.
She wants to try and change her husband.
She loves her husband,and that is why she married him.
She is going to make an effort to keep her man.
So why are you so hot under the collar.
I suggest you go out and look for a man of your own,so that when he cheats on you as he eventually will,you will be able to practice all what you have been preaching to poor innocent women for years.
PEACE!Am out,cos some of us have to go to work.

Long epistle , totally unnecessary.

Simple question: Why did you get divorced?

Hot under the collar? for your mind abi? . If you both had ignored my comments , you think I will be here rubbing your bald head and looking for whores for you to sleep with since your wife left and dumped your sorry ass? You think I will be here wasting my time on you frustrated single man? Loneliness go kill you one day. Do me a favor, get yourself all dressed up nicely, go and stand in third mainland bridge, who knows a damsel on her way to work  might notice you and decide to help you out.

And BTW I don't have a man(like you) in my life, na by force to notice your type? nope. I don't do Online machos but real life cowards. Go and get your ex wife back , abi she don re marry? chased you out of the house and decided to marry someone else.

Lol woman flog you comot for house, you no dey shame.

My exes sister doesn't even know how to be with a man that doesn't cheat on her if the man is nice and decent she looks for a reason to break up with him. I am not cursing but these re the kind of kids u will mostl likely raise

^^^
The feminsts are mad this morning.
Sorry,the woman says she loves her husband and wants to stay with him.
So why taking Panadol for another persons headache?

@Jenny,
I know you love me.Peace!

debrief08:

Jenny, I totally lost interest when she excused his cheating cos he provides for her. Poster your husband has not even started cheating yet, he knows you can't go anywhere, you will take all d cheating as long as he gives u money. Enjoy. Why come here to complain when you are just going back to collect money and take d cheating, don't even use your children as an excuse you are doing them more harm. My ex husband will tell me dat I can't leave cos he has not done 1 / 10th of the what his dad did to his mom to me and if his mom stayed why should I leave? You are going to raise a man like dat who will think he can treat his wife as a rag and get away with it as long as he can provide. My monthly allowanace with my ex was 200k a month which I almost never spent cos food was bought in bulk, bills were paid half a year in advance but I walked away, during d divorce settlement cos we had a court marriage I was offered a house and 3 cars but I rejected it all, just wanted ma life back didn't want anything hanging me to ma past. My current husband earns even less than me but I have love, Joy and peace. Money can't buy dat

Thank you. If she had said she wanted to stay for the kids alone, ehen I would have managed, But saying that her husband provides for her and her extended family and because of these cannot leave or better still can still excuse his cheating episodes is the dumbest excuse I have ever read in the history of NLD.

It is his right to take care of and provide for his family, that is why he is a man. Taking care of her is not added plus. When a man decides to get married and take a woman away from her parents home, she has become his responsibility. So me coming here and saying "My husband takes care of me and the kids and for this reason I can tolerate his concubines" is pure silly. He is doing his work, a work that even the bible acknowledges as normal

I was in Uni when I got married, My man wouldn't let me work then, he took care of my needs from top to bottom, Infact he was paying me a salary every fortnight and I mean good salary, the only work I did was when I was on school prac. I only started working after school full time, he wanted me to go part time which I agreed to, he is now trying to get me to work 2wce a fortnight and concentrate on business which me I no agree to. .

Our fathers took care of our mothers, call it tradition, culture, society, whatever, it is a man's job to take care of his family.

Richvkunt:

^^^
The feminsts are mad this morning.
Sorry,the woman says she loves her husband and wants to stay with him.
So why taking Panadol for another persons headache?

@Jenny,
I know you love me.Peace!

Let her stay naaaa , na who hold her? na me go die of HIV? le kwe nu"m anya bi ko nu? . Our replies are for others out there who need our advises to move on.

Yes we are taking Panadol for her headache, Infact panadol is not strong sef me I am taking Oxycodone 30mg plus Durogesic Patch joined together for her headache, shouldn't you be at work?

debrief08:

My exes sister doesn't even know how to be with a man that doesn't cheat on her if the man is nice and decent she looks for a reason to break up with him. I am not cursing but these re the kind of kids u will mostl likely raise

Tufiakwa, azi gba kwa cheiiiii.  God have mercy.

I think it was CC or someone else that posted here that this man is exposing his family to danger. What happens if one of these concubines decides to erase her and her family out of his life just for her to enter? what if they cook with the yeast from their vag[i]in[/i]as () just to make this man hate her and her kids.

She never jam, just let her pray that her husband will not jam a desperate woman that in one night, will chase her and her kids away permanently.

I have a feeling that many people write lies here to make themselves look good. There may be many here whose lives are terribly miserable and they come here to lie about their lives.

Oh yes, your life is now perfect, crap!

JustGood if that comment was targeted at me then its sad and unfortunate. My life is far from perfect, I still ve people who treat me like a leper cos I divorced and remarried, according to them its a sin. A friend of mine who used to be on Nairaland made me come on by force, infacvt she gave me this I'd to use cos she knows my story and thought my struggle could encourage others. When I was in a bad marraige, pple told me it was my fault that I was beaten, pple told me to stay pray fast and cope cos there is nothing outside better only pain, lonliness and misery, it took a strong and caring father to get me out of a near death situation. I share my story here to encourage others not to divorce but to let them know that there is life outside a bad marriage. I don't encourahge otr pray for anyone to go tru a divorce its hard but when one party becomes miserable and a marriage becomes life threatening sometimes leaving is not a bad alternative. Believe me, a bad marraige is the worst thing anyone can go tru in life, nothing in your life will be coordinated if you are in a bad marriage, ur health is bad ur work suffers, ur relationship with God everything. But because fear mongers tell pple that if you leave there is nothing better pple prefer to stay and die. When I divorced I was prepared for a miswrable, lonely and horrible life as I was led to beleiev but God had better plans.

^^^Awwwww, You don't have to explain yourself to anybody. You owe no one any explaination. JustGood's post was directed at me as well but I chose to ignore it.

...

Justgood !!!! i know you will show face one day for something like this case, 
you men here are not fair to the OP at all.

I don't know the type of husbands some guys here on Nl will make (harakiri and mobo, ) and others, i wonder what their homes will be like