queensmith:

@analytical AH it was not advice ooooooo, im telling her what she SHOULD DO!

i did not even see this before writing my essay! Well done woman! i was in the process of posting pictures of beaten wives and battered girlfriends after reading the first few nonsense posts!
I wish you the best of luck and hopefully you get all the support you need from your family and friends.
We can only be hopeful and pray of some miracle your husband hits his head on a post somewhere and becomes a new man. If we're to be realistic I will say- your own man is coming to you, just make sure you don't pick the wrong one next time.

It's like you didn't read what she wrote very well.

kungiya:

My people i don the table to him, he has been beging since yesterday, but live me sef i sabi do shakara.

Thanks for all the response(s) it worked magic for me. But the reality is that i really hope and pray (i have committed that one to God) that there wont be a [b]second time.[/b]

She did what was advised and it worked magic for her! It got her hitherto unremorseful husband to start apologising. They can both pick it up from there and start working on their marriage by resolving the issues. She certainly isn't looking for a 2nd marriage.

really? what did i miss what did i miss? *re-reads*

oooooooooo *initial post modified*

kuniyga, you did the right thing. See how you turned the tables and he NOW realizes he was wrong. If you had listened to the others yarning dust about apologizing to him, do you think he would have been begging like he is now?

Anyway if you KNOW you want to stay with im/fix this etc then make sure he apologizes to not just YOU but your FAMILY, after all when they gave you tgo him, I assume they thought they were giving their daughter away to be cherished, not beaten like a slave. when he does that and proves himself, then you can go back.

She meant she will not let him hit her a second time, Analytical.

@kungiya
good stuff, now you guys can talk about the issue. . .

one thing though, dont over-use the moving out card, the second time you try it, he'll be a bit scared but the third time he wont be moved. I'm telling you this so if you ever have any issue(God forbid!) you know that telling him you plan to move out shouldn't be one of your major options.

A woman shouldn't threaten her marriage with the "moving out" kind of moves unless it is a marriage that she is sure that she is quitting from for good.
I once met a woman who lamented to me how she was threatening her husband about her leaving and moving out of their home when they have misunderstanding. The last time she moved out and went by her parents------she waited for her husband to come as usual to beg but got the surprise of her life when her husband went and married another woman instead. She became mentally sick as a result of that.

Just reading that the "hussy" in this case was hardly home too, that wasn't nice. He was throwing tantrum like a big Baby, nice he realized that he was wrong and apologised.

I guess physical abuse is taken lightly in our parts of Africa interesting.

Analytical:

Busy-body,

Of course, humility should be an ingredient if any one wants the best out of her/his marriage.  I didn't suggest the opposite.  We were devising a strategy to get her husband back.  Going outrightly to beg may not have worked and I believe it wouldn't have been a good approach, giving that the man wasn't even talking with her and hardly stayed at home.  Also, I still believe it's really not about differences between men and women, but more of differences in temperaments and maturity coupled with ego issues.

On a lighter side, 'softly-softly' with that your testerone levels and yanking table off to disconnect someone's artery o.  Very scary!  

I never posted anything towards this topic, my stance has always been that TV01's approach was the most insightful when it comes to battle of the sexes as witnessed by the testosterone fuelled egofest in this case. In addition, I never implied you suggested the opposite of humility, unlike you all erroneously concluding that TV01 was telling her to outrightly go and beg him. Kungiya came back on page one that seeing as she wasn't the one in the wrong, she is not going to apologise and would adopt a wait and see approach to her Husband.


To call a spade a spade, it was TV01's post on the first page, ^{which never mentioned anything about kungiya apologising} which told her to take the first step and approach her Husband in a conciliatory and civil manner and table her hurt to him to let him know what he did is not acceptable and he also rightly  added that her Husband had not learnt how to master his emotion, which means he does not condone the Hubby's behaviour but was just cutting to the chase. . . AND THIS ACCORDING TO KUNGIYA's LAST POST WAS WHAT SHE DID.

On a side note, I belatedly saw a comment of yours on that Moremi's marriage thread and was going yay this deserves a standing ovation, only to see the men spitting feathers and yanking out the strands of hair in their toupee solely because they felt you had sold them out and was breaking some unspoken male code, which again boils down to battle of the sexes and foolish male ego and pride

Analytical:

Dayokanu, I learnt that one early in my marriage.  Trust me, pregnancy hormones play a lot of tricks on a woman's body.  Maybe I overgeneralised a bit.  But I have learnt it is not advisable to.  I have watched many women change drastically during pregnancy and do/say things they don't really mean.  Not because they mean to.  Many make requests that are so odd and inconsistent with their normal nature.  Husbands should learn to understand with their wives at this period.

I know women react differently during pregnancy, but majority do funny things as well.  Many have nausea almost all through.  Some may not even be able to stand the smell of food in the kitchen.  Many avoid cooking entirely.  Some prefer strange foods during the period and all sort of things.  Having a disagreement or quarel upsets most pregnant women.  Don't be surprised to see her crying for seemingly innocent disapproval of how she dressed!!

Ehn hen, if you know enough to know that the excessive hormones nature makes women produce during pregnancy is enough to set them over the edge and sets them apart from non-pregnant women with these same hormones, WHY refuse to adduce to the fact that it is our hormones that makes us act differently to you men which most times leaves you men scratching your head.

Like i mentioned earlier, there are Countries which have legal precedents set in stones to absolve women of crimes committed during PMS, a period where our hormones go haywire into overdrive, so if peradventure the table leg mistakenly cuts right through a major artery as intended, all i need is to hire a good Attorney to have my case extradicted to one of those Countries innit, so nothing spoil jare

So if it can be legally recognised that the surge in hormones we experience during PMS which is a monthly experience for some women, CAN MAKE US COMMIT MURDER, why expect food on the table daily and sex on tap and respect all the time and whatever is it all you men want sef

@ Kungiya hi,

I often say that when people embark on a course of action they should be sure of their aims and aware of the potential consequences.

You are in a marriage covenant, what long-term outcome do you desire? Many are implicitly advising you to adopt an aggressive stance. Do you really think your marriage will be happy or even survive long-term if it contains two “warring parties”?

Outcomes. Approach this as not just about you, or about your husband, but about the long-term outcome of your marriage union.

Do you know that the dynamic between you and your husband affects the development and disposition of your unborn child? Outcomes. This should be a time of great joy and expectation. Your firstborns arrival is imminent. Please don’t miss out.

Many are counseling you not to beg. Even the worldly know that when it comes to engendering harmony in relationships – let alone the apex human relationship of marriage – pride should be the last thing in view. Even TLC knew to sing “I ain’t to proud to beg”.

Am I saying beg? Not as such, what I am saying is “humble yourself”. Approach your husband (how and when is peculiar to the dynamic between you. Please consider the best way and time to broach this).

Always be conciliatory and quick to settle issues in a humble manner. It will warm his heart and help erode some of his “male inflexibility”. . Part of your commitment to each other is to help one another be “perfect” . See how the duration and amplification of this incident is troubling you?

Again I will not want to put words into your mouth, but at the time – as soon as feasible - of dialogue (just the two of you), let your husband know that you want to be the best wife, and you need his support. You want yours to be the best marriage, and you know the two of you together can achieve it. You may have had a similar conversation before – if so, then please revisit it.

Regards the “slap”. Let him know your feelings – how sensitive you are, how hurt etc. – and that violence has no place in your home and will be destructive. Commit to putting out violence on your side and ask him to do the same.

Violence towards one’s spouse is abhorrent. But please place this in context. Handled correctly, it could be both an isolated incident that occurred early in your marriage and a platform for a deeper understanding between you and your husband.

Now about your husband. You are wondering why he is behaving as if he was the one that got slapped. That’s because in a way he did. He see’s himself as the head of “his” home. Your reporting him to your brother and his sister and their taking him to task over this was an “ ego slap”.

Perhaps he mistakenly thought you were reporting him to your brother when he lashed out? Wrong response, but he is hurt. His position and authority have been questioned. No man likes to be made to feel like a “small boy” in his own home.

Please, except in extreme case always try and contain incidents between yourself and your husband to just the two of you in the first instance. Outcomes. Remember, always be your husbands staunchest and most loyal supporter.

Without detail of the original misunderstanding, or hearing your husbands record of events, I’ve tried to counsel you in a constructive way. If you are a woman of faith, please take this and any other concern you have to God in prayer. Even before coming to NL sef!

Apologies for the long post.

I wish you speedy resolution and a long and fulfilling marriage.

Best
TV

I have been reading other comments but this one is the single one that has provoked me to comment.

TV, you have received many rebukes because of your comment, but i must say i agree wholly with your point of view. The aim of this thread is to save a marriage which is what i think this advice will do. For marriage to work at times like this, drop pride aside. Other (seeming foolish) comments of locking up the husband in jail, sending him to emergency unit of a clinic will only end up destroying the marriage.

I for one do not say what the man did was justifiable as i do not subscribe to men hitting women (i have never done that and never will). but if you want to save your marriage one person has to have a heart of reconciliation. Forget who started the fight. Forget pride. If the man is not forth coming there is nothing wrong in you making the first move. In doing so. you also make it clearly known to him in a gentle manner as well that what he did was wrong and you would not want that to happen again if he loves you and wants your marriage to work. I bet you any man in his right sense will apologise to you for his wrong doing and the marriage continues in an even sweeter level.

Waging war of your husband is waging war on yourself. Paying back wrong for wrong will get you no where. I just spoke my mind. Its up to you to call me names and discard my suggestions or accept it. You are not foolish to make the first move at reconciliation. Wish you the best through this trying time.

ooops. the issue has been resolved sef.

innovestor:

I have been reading other comments but this one is the single one that has provoked me to comment.

TV, you have received many rebukes because of your comment, but i must say i agree wholly with your point of view. The aim of this thread is to save a marriage which is what i think this advice will do. For marriage to work at times like this, drop pride aside. Other (seeming foolish) comments of locking up the husband in jail, sending him to emergency unit of a clinic will only end up destroying the marriage.

I for one do not say what the man did was justifiable as i do not subscribe to men hitting women (i have never done that and never will). but if you want to save your marriage one person has to have a heart of reconciliation. Forget who started the fight. Forget pride. If the man is not forth coming there is nothing wrong in you making the first move. In doing so. you also make it clearly known to him in a gentle manner as well that what he did was wrong and you would not want that to happen again if he loves you and wants your marriage to work. I bet you any man in his right sense will apologise to you for his wrong doing and the marriage continues in an even sweeter level.

Waging war of your husband is waging war on yourself. Paying back wrong for wrong will get you no where. I just spoke my mind. Its up to you to call me names and discard my suggestions or accept it. You are not foolish to make the first move at reconciliation. Wish you the best through this trying time.

And you are saying all these because you are a man. if it was a woman that slapped the husband, all you men here will tell the man to kick the woman out of the house. Marraiges will only survive if we all practise empathy.

Thankfully she didnt listen to abusers like innovestor and TV1, now the table has turned in her favor

^^ not really, he's going to hit her again, possible again, and then again.

I don't see this end well

ronkebp:

And you are saying all these because you are a man. if it was a woman that slapped the husband, all you men here will tell the man to kick the woman out of the house. Marraiges will only survive if we all practise empathy.

I swear I was just about to post this. The same "rational", "practical", "be a doormat to save your marriage", "allow-one, two, three or four-slaps-maximum" folks on here would give the opposite advice to a man that was slapped by his wife.

It's so sad that their education has failed them woefully when it comes to critical thinking. That they can't see the hypocrisy in their arguments/advice is just tragic.

Thankfully, I am a big fan of evolution. It's my prayer that in 1000 years, eediots and their defective genes would have completely died out. Amen!

And you are saying all these because you are a man. if it was a woman that slapped the husband, all you men here will tell the man to kick the woman out of the house. Marraiges will only survive if we all practise empathy.

I did not make my contribution based on the fact that i am a man. Try not to look at it from a sexist point of view. I condemned what the man did cos i will not even do such my self. But i offered what i thought would be the best move to save the marriage. Remember i said that she could take a conciliatory role just to see that the marriage survives and also I said the man should also appolpgise to her if he was in his right senses.

Thankfully she didnt listen to abusers like innovestor and TV1, now the table has turned in her favor 

I guess she did not also listen to suggestions of carrying out actions that will teach the husband a lesson or two. Such actions that will either land him to police cell or emergency unit of a clinic. The final action she took was still with a  heart for reconciliation from her stand point of view. Else she may not have agreed to stay back in the marriage even after the husband begged her forgiveness. It was a means of getting the husband to see his wrong and appoligise which was also what i was advocating. Calling names is not the best way to make a point.

queensmith:

^^ not really, he's going to hit her again, possible again, and then again.

I don't see this end well   

She is a strong woman and I admire her for that. She does not sound like someone who is willing to take any form of abuse from her man.

innovestor:

I guess she did not also listen to suggestions of carrying out actions that will teach the husband a lesson or two. Such actions that will either land him to police cell or emergency unit of a clinic. The final action she took was still with a  heart for reconciliation from her stand point of view. Else she may not have agreed to stay back in the marriage even after the husband begged her forgiveness. It was a means of getting the husband to see his wrong and appoligise which was also what i was advocating. Calling names is not the best way to make a point.

Be quiet. Didnt you call people foolish in your inital comment, now you remember name calling "isnt good". Many people told her to ignore his tantrums and not apologize. No one said ANYTHING about "police" or "emergency room". Stop exaggerating. Thankfully,she didnt follow the gibberish you and Tv1 mentioned and now he's asking for HER forgiveness.

jennykadry:

She is a strong woman and I admire her for that. She does not sound like someone who is willing to take any form of abuse from her man.

hmmm- we have varying definitions of a strong woman. A woman needs common sense to know when a man will hit her again.

At least when there's guilt there is hope. He slapped her and showed no signs of remorse. The woman is at the beginning of a looong bumpy ride.

She has absolutely no idea. Not a strong woman in my view.

The fact that she didnt go grovelling at this feet when he tried to make HER feel like she's the one in the wrong (like pitiful Naijna women have been known to do) makes him a bit strong in my eyes

what says you queen

queensmith:

^^ not really, he's going to hit her again, possible again, and then again.

I don't see this end well

Agree as with most bad things in a marriage they never seem to go away

moremi2008:

I swear I was just about to post this. The same "rational", "practical", "be a doormat to save your marriage", "allow-one, two, three or four-slaps-maximum" folks on here would give the opposite advice to a man that was slapped by his wife.

It's so sad that their education has failed them woefully when it comes to critical thinking. That they can't see the hypocrisy in their arguments/advice is just tragic.

Thankfully, I am a big fan of evolution. It's my prayer that in 1000 years, eediots and their defective genes would have completely died out. Amen!

lol

Exactly TOH, she did not go crying to him for peace, she brought him down on his knees with a threat( I don't support the threat though). She made him realize that she is not going to put uP with his macho behaviour no more. She remained strong even though she's preggers. She is strong, yes he might hit her again but she just does not sound to me like someone that will stay in an abusive relationship all because of love and kids

Good thing this has been resolved on OP's terms.  Hopefully there won't be a next time.

Your brother is quite peaceful tho, i hope God may give me the level of patience to "only warn" a spouse who's being abusive to my sisters.  In my world, warnings take too long a time to deliver the needed result, a time that i can't afford!. . .US has been warning Iran for ages, and guess what, the assho[i]l[/i]es are still hell bent on manufacturing nooks.

violent:

Good thing this has been resolved on OP's terms.  Hopefully there won't be a next time.

Your brother is quite peaceful tho, i hope God may give me the level of patience to "only warn" a spouse who's being abusive to my sisters.  In my world, warnings take too long a time to deliver the needed result, a time that i can't afford!. . .US has been warning Iran for ages, and guess what, the assho[i]l[/i]es are still hell bent on manufacturing nooks.

GBAM! You beat my sister, you're either getting beat-up or you're going to jail. Pretty straightforward type of deal.

He's gonna beat her again, she's gonna stay. The story's been written before it's not a new thing .
She may learn to live with it. Or take the naija wife proverb and be happy regardless.

Suffer and smile babe!

@ queen,

Most women that tolerate and encourage domestic violence in their home are always in denial of it, feel they got that as a punishment for something they did that offended the hubby and will try to protect their husband by not telling anyone about it.

In my case, yes it happened and if it's something I intend tolerating then i would not call anyone to talk to him, i'll instead kneel down and beg after the slap then keep my mouth shut, but i'll not tolerate such. He has been forgiven and am willing to give him a second chance because this is his first time. We offend God and always ask him for forgiveness, though in my husband's case, it came late but i have given him a second chance.

kungiya:

@ queen,

Most women that tolerate and encourage domestic violence in their home are always in denial of it, feel they got that as a punishment for something they did that offended the hubby and will try to protect their husband by not telling anyone about it.

In my case, yes it happened and if it's something I intend tolerating then i would not call anyone to talk to him, i'll instead kneel down and beg after the slap then keep my mouth shut, but i'll not tolerate such. He has been forgiven and am willing to give him a second chance because this is his first time. We offend God and always ask him for forgiveness, though in my husband's case, it came late but i have given him a second chance.

I agree with you giving your husband another chance though he messed up. You have shown him this will not be tolerated and he is sorry for it. I have seen it happen where a man hits a woman once and never does it again. To me, I believe the chances are higher that he will not do it again than otherwise. If it was a case of panel beating the woman to a pulp then I see a bigger problem with anger control than with one hit, one instance (Not justifying the slap at all o). In that case the likelihood of a repeat offense are significantly higher.

ileobatojo:

I agree with you giving your husband another chance though he messed up. You have shown him this will not be tolerated and he is sorry for it. I have seen it happen where a man hits a woman once and never does it again. To me, I believe the chances are higher that he will not do it again than otherwise. If it was a case of panel beating the woman to a pulp then I see a bigger problem with anger control than with one hit, one instance (Not justifying the slap at all o). In that case the likelihood of a repeat offense are significantly higher.

re bolded: That is NOT true at all. It's the complete opposite and i have stats to back it up.

The good thing about this is that kungiya's family knows and she made it clear to him such wont be tolerated again. But to say it usually doesnt get worse is a complete LIE especially when he didnt show remorse immediately.

anyway OP, good luck and safe delivery

ThiefOfHearts:

re bolded: That is NOT true at all. It's the complete opposite and i have stats to back it up.

The good thing about this is that kungiya's family knows and she made it clear to him such wont be tolerated again. But to say it usually doesnt get worse is a complete LIE especially when he didnt show remorse immediately.

anyway OP, good luck and safe delivery 

Well I will admit I don’t have the statistics to back up my claim. My statement is based on anecdotal evidence (I personally know of a guy that hit his wife on the leg once and has never hit her since then) and the details of how it happened. It does not appear that he went into a fit of rage during an argument, completely lost all inhibition and put a serious beatdown on her. All the stories of serial wife beating I know involve more severe unhinged beatings than this. This one appeared more calculated rather than an issue with impulse control. In a sense, you could say he tested the water and has seen that this behavior won’t fly. I may be wrong.

I do agree that the fact that he did not want to apologize is a big mess up on his part but it may just be a testament to his childish, proud nature than to him being unrepentant.

If he had given her 15 dirty slaps instead of one, I would think he is for sure likely to repeat it.

Anyway, this is my interpretation of the psychology of those involved. I may be wrong.

Again I’m not defending the one slap. If she decided to leave him for that she is well within her right.

You are wrong.

It hardly EVER starts as intense as that.

ThiefOfHearts:

You are wrong.

It hardly EVER starts as intense as that.

Hmmm. Food for thought. Will have to do some research on this.

15 slaps? o god! probably what the sufferers tell themselves!

@op- no, he showed no remorse- he's an abuser. thats his psychology and it will take treatment to change it. Your threats won't maintain it's power for long and then see what you will use.

You say you won't take it now but the excuses you give him and yourself now will be expanded to forgive him next time. Like I said before this has all already happened. Your not a first.