Nashville, I said as much in my advice to her some posts back.  I wasn't referring to you when I said 'some men'.  I meant some men generally.

Poster please, in whatever you do, do not apologize first and don't listen to TV01. That man is a serial slapper according to his sister, do not give in to this one else he will do it again with pride. Which man sends his friend talk to his wife in a case like this one?

You are on the right track pls continue

Analytical:

I am not too sure about the bolded part.  Someone feeling bad, ashamed and guilty would have initiated a resolution and won't abscond  from his pregnant wife.  Yes, this is the opportunity to establish conflict resolution procedure and that involves either party learning to admit when they are wrong.  The husband has not clearly done that but as it is with some men, expects the wife to come kneeling down, crying and begging them since he is the head of the home.  It could have been different if his actions show some remorse and he is finding it difficult to say he is sorry.

This is what i was driving at when i was saying men and women are different and handle things differently and this was what i was supposed to be discussing with Maclatuinji time-permitting about men retreating into their cave when faced with issues they cannot presently handle. Hubby knows he has messed up, hence reason he has now reluctantly involved a third party cos his expected expectations that wifey would come crawling back to him had not manifested.  

How many times do we wanna discuss something with men and offer some sugegstion and they say "leave it with me", only for you guys to come back like 3 days later and say "i have a solution" AND GUESS WHAT THAT SOLUTION IS - his solution is exactly what the woman suggested 3 days ago that he dismissed outta hand I can bet this has happened to sooooooo many ladies they feel like kicking the men in the balls How many times do women scream at a man to do something maybe when he is watching football and he will say he will do it later, only for the woman to start fuming with rage unbeknown to her that men are wired to only do one thing at a time and the competitive spirit in them always wants them to do that thing successfully so everything else has to wait. And their is so many other scientific researches which have discovered that men and women might as well be a different specie totally.

Busy-body, early in marriage is when issues are better dealt with before the differences get out of hand and become irreconcilable.  I am for the OP initiating the process in this case but with a caveat.  If it is a blank cheque, she stands the risk of burying the husband's underlying stubborn ego and anger issues while pretending all is well.  The problem with such is that they normally resurface later.  So I say, what I said before, she should initialise and/or show signs of readiness for such but the man has to be willing to admit and make amends for his actions too.  Very important.  That is what shows remorse and willingness to change.

Analytical:

Moremi2008, please tone down your language.  I believe we can make our points without resorting to name-calling and all.  This is family section and we are dealing with people with real problems seeking solutions.  The least we could do is to offer them without distracting from the issues at hand or discouraging people simply because we don't agree with others' opinions.

Please, don't get on my nerves. I have observed your posts in other threads and I have zero tolerance for you. You think Saga is a meanie? Well, I am Saga's master and wait until you feel my wrath: it's merciless.

This is a forum for fully mature adults. If fragile amoral egos are shattered by my words, then I am doing the world a great service. Fragile egos should be kept locked in the closet; not brought out to play with the big, bad wolves. The days of coming here to kumbaya in united folly are over. Please save all the wretched, empty, misogynistic debating for the beer parlors. Moremi has come to deliver verbal justice to unrefined minds and to vanquish apologists for domestic abuse. My mission is sacrosanct.

Only Aunty Nike can calm my tempest when it roars and temper my justice when it bites. You should cower when I speak. How dare you speak when not spoken to? Now go play with your mates!  

I wonder why some people will not just stay in the romance and jokes sections! 

Busy-body,

Busy_body:


This is what i was driving at when i was saying men and women are different and handle things differently and this was what i was supposed to be discussing with Maclatuinji time-permitting about men retreating into their cave when faced with issues they cannot presently handle. Hubby knows he has messed up, hence reason he has now reluctantly involved a third party cos his expected expectations that wifey would come crawling back to him had not manifested.

I don't think this is just about differences between men and women! The husband didn't just retreat, he is reacting! If he knows he messed up, he should send the friend to apologise on his behalf, as a prelude, not sitting on his high horse and sending someone to find out why the wife told her brother. That in itself is insulting. It shows he wasn't ready to admit any wrong-doing.

moremi2008:

That is a lot of words for saying absolutely nothing. What about summarizing don't you understand? So your advice is for the wife to initiate dialogue with a man that won't speak to her and is sending her messages through a friend? You ignore the "probably" sitting right in the middle of a sentence to call that sentence presumptuous? You ask me to leave out references to your family and then you turn right around and refer to mine?

Bros, you are an eediot masquerading as a savant. I go hard but I have firing neurons to back it up. And you? You are all puff-puff and no substance; going on and on about nothing of any worth; full of contradictions and moral lacunae.

PS - Numbering your sentences won't make them any smarter. Try another trick next time.  

First let me apologise if you have taken offence. I said nothing derogatory about your family, merely wished you well as head of it.

Until you reconsider your "approach", point out specifics and help drive a solution here, I'll stop responding to your posts on this thread. It's not about us and some may find it distracting.


Best
TV

Analytical:

You implied somehow she has to beg or she wasn't humble enough, which I disagree with.  I think there are ways other than begging or apologizing for being slapped.

No Analytical, I implied nothing of the sort. And what I said is clear. The course of action I suggested did not include begging or apologising. I didn't even use the latter word.

The apology aspect of it is minor and will come as reconciliation is effected. It's actually parlayed more in it's playground sense here. "You were wrong, so you say sorry first" being the point? regardless of true remorse or a long-term fix?

Many are calling me out as a "typical Nigerian", which is amusing, as my claim to being Nigerian is at best tenuous. One begs for what one wants. One apologises for wrongdoing or error. Not the same thing although I appreciate your "typical naija" may conflate them.

Let me reserve the right to quibble with your response for now .

@Busy_body, hi and thanks for being objective.

Best
TV

Analytical:

Busy-body, early in marriage is when issues are better dealt with before the differences get out of hand and become irreconcilable.  I am for the OP initiating the process in this case but with a caveat.  If it is a blank cheque, she stands the risk of burying the husband's underlying stubborn ego and anger issues while pretending all is well.  The problem with such is that they normally resurface later.  So I say, what I said before, she should initialise and/or show signs of readiness for such but the man has to be willing to admit and make amends for his actions too.  Very important.  That is what shows remorse and willingness to change.

Of course, and now the good thing is that the ball is in the OP's court, hence she still needs to retain humility in her heart despite the punishment she metes out to her Hubby, which was what TV01 also touched on.

Analytical:

Busy-body,
I don't think this is just about differences between men and women!  The husband didn't just retreat, he is reacting!  If he knows he messed up, he should send the friend to apologise on his behalf, as a prelude, not sitting on his high horse and sending someone to find out why the wife told her brother.  That in itself is insulting.  It shows he wasn't ready to admit any wrong-doing.

It is about the differences. And remember the anger and ego thing is a resultant effect of the abundance of testosterone coursing through you men's blood hence reason some prisons administer female hormones to some hardcore dangerous volatile male prisoners to contain their violence, whilst some Countries let women off if their crime was committed in the throes of PMT plus men/women grow boobs/beard etc when injected with hormones of the opposite sex oh,

When the argument started, he withdrew INTO his shell, he walked out and would have filed this under "nagging". And you can see he has realised the error of his ways hence reason he cluelessly sent his friend to "go and bell and muffle the shrieking cat" and hence the equally clueless friend said "ehn you too why did you have to inform your Brother" WHEN all that is/was needed is for the two of them to sit down to dialogue.

For example, i know my testosterone level must be on the high side. . .and the only reason i would not slap him right back or yank off the leg of a table to disconnect one of his major artery is simply because i cannot fight physically, but he will go to hell and back and i don't care what happens to that marriage cos I know a man that can hit once would do it again 99% of the time, BUT OP wants her Hubby back and two Captains cannot master a ship hence she needs to utilise that "stooping to conquer method that I have heard people mention"

moremi2008:

Please, don't get on my nerves. I have observed your posts in other threads and I have zero tolerance for you. You think Saga is a meanie? Well, I am Saga's master and wait until you feel my wrath: it's merciless.

This is a forum for fully mature adults. If fragile amoral egos are shattered by my words, then I am doing the world a great service. Fragile egos should be kept locked in the closet; not brought out to play with the big, bad wolves. The days of coming here to kumbaya in united folly are over. Please save all the wretched, empty, misogynistic debating for the beer parlors. Moremi has come to deliver verbal justice to unrefined minds and to vanquish apologists for domestic abuse. My mission is sacrosanct.

Only Aunty Nike can calm my tempest when it roars and temper my justice when it bites. You should cower when I speak. How dare you speak when not spoken to? Now go play with your mates!

Moremi you are funny, where are you from Osun?

Thought I saw Jenny on this thread moments ago, hah my hunch was right to suspect na fake weed I was being sold earlier

Analytical:

All,

Kungiya's husband committed a series of blunders:

1.  Having an argument with a pregnant wife and walking out: He needs to learn she is prone to mood swings and hormonal tricks and as such vulnerable at this period.  This is when she needs understanding from him.  Whatever his wife says or does to him in this state is not to be taken seriously.  Arguing with her is just out of it.  Moreso, it’s not too healthy to pass such negative emotions to the baby inside.

I disagree that you cant have an argument or a disagreement with your wife when she is pregnant

This post just made me very upset with my hubby, he called me a few mins ago and I was cold, sure he's wondering wsp!

Well he did something similar to me in the early stage of this pregnancy. I had severe hyperemesis (vomiting). He never beat me, but he shouted and insulted me one Sunday morning cos he felt the scarf I was tying didn't match my dress! I soo cried. I wished he had hit me, I would have told the world .

He never actually apologized and anytime I remember, I feel he's absolutely callous (considering the fact that I was just discharged from the hospital few days earlier)   . This union called marriage sef, nawa! We are fine now oh and very in luv at the moment, lol.

@op, I guess every advice here points to the same direction and would help. All the best.

^^^^Eyahh!!!!!! but that is the past just let it go. (if na me though, he is so going to that church alone that day)

Nasdhville, chaircover, ronkepb, jenni and co are married. So please stfu

But the husband is not here and is not the one seeking advice on how to save his marriage. So I will rather advise Hungiya what she could do. Yes, she can make the move for reconciliation or show him she is ready to reconcile, while not condoning his wrongs or tantrums. First, Hungiya, let him know he has been forgiven by any means you could. Since you are not talking right now, you can drop notes where he can see them. You may send sms to him. You may send his friend back to him. Let him know he is forgiven but he needs to realize how much he has hurt you. If he actually loves you, this should work.

Another thing you can do is to actually show some strength and not weakness. Don't give in to his tantrums. Show him you are enjoying yourself anyway. Cook nice meals for yourself and relish eating it. Watch your favourite program and be seen to enjoy it. Dress (or UnCloth) to entice him but don’t give him the chance to even come near!! Except he is playing ‘away matches’, he surely needs his wife at some point. Sing loudly and be cheerful about it. The essence is to send a signal to him that you are not moved by his tantrums but enjoying yourself as he can see! This is also good for your baby! The earlier he realizes his error and makes-up the better for him.

If he doesn’t respond, then let him know you have decided to go stay with his sister till you deliver since he can’t offer you physical, emotional and psychological support. This should speak to the man in him that he is not fulfilling his responsibilities while not demeaning you and hopefully jerk him up to wake up.

Hope it works.

This is great advice here.

Analytical, one quetsion though, what if she hasnt forgiven him? should she still say she has?

recruitmnt:

This post just made me very upset with my hubby, he called me a few mins ago and I was cold, sure he's wondering wsp!

Well he did something similar to me in the early stage of this pregnancy. I had severe hyperemesis (vomiting). He never beat me, but he shouted and insulted me one Sunday morning cos he felt the scarf I was tying didn't match my dress! I soo cried. I wished he had hit me, I would have told the world .

He never actually apologized and anytime I remember, I feel he's absolutely callous (considering the fact that I was just discharged from the hospital few days earlier)   . This union called marriage sef, nawa! We are fine now oh and very in luv at the moment, lol.

@op, I guess every advice here points to the same direction and would help. All the best.

was he aware that he hurt your feelings? meaning did you let him know

and LOL wetin concern man with whether scarf is matching dress. Im beginning to think pregnancy hormones end up getting transferred to the dude at some point, I mean how else can you explain these stories abeg

kai. . .stuff is happening in this world o.

Like everyone I agree the slap was bad and OP has no business apologising to him for any reason, but I think she's holding the cards in this situation, she has to find a way to get him to say what's on his mind. The guy needs a push and I'm not certain that push will come from inside him, it has to be from someone around him.

That she was pregnant makes matters worse sef, that guy has voilent tendencies, I'm with DK on this, the first slap is on the house, the second comes with packed bags.

@DK
why you no answer TOH now. . .she asked you one question like this after your first or second post on this thread

Hmmm, back from a brutal but rewarding kettlebell session, followed by a shave and sauna. Home to garlic & pepper roasted chicken with an avocado salad. Yummy.  Let me round off my input here.

@Analytical, I was a little pre-occupied earlier, hence my taking an option on addressing what I consider to be questionable parts of your post. But I've got my post-workout pump on, so here goes.

Another thing you can do is to actually show some strength and not weakness.  Don't give in to his tantrums.

Indeed, one can show strength in humility. Humility is strength. And no, don't pander

Show him you are enjoying yourself anyway.

But she's not. She is clearly distressed - and in a delicate state - this is pretence, and ultimately wrong, no matter how noble the aim may seem.

Cook nice meals for yourself and relish eating it.  Watch your favourite program and be seen to enjoy it.

i.e. form abi?

Dress (or UnCloth) to entice him but don’t give him the chance to even come near!!

And if pretence doesn't work or forming doesn't cut it, use passion or the seeming promise of it in a stick and carrot fashion? 

Except he is playing ‘away matches’

And even if he isn't, lets hope this sorry ploy doesn't seed that particular thought.

he surely needs his wife at some point.

Let his lust force his hand? May not work if she's that far along. He may just not succumb and make her feel even worse. At best they have "make-up" passion, but if the issue is still not addressed squarely, to what avail? It's not the best start as a way to address issues and could even engender resentment. For those that have characterised him as an abuser, perhaps he will feel sex is as good as sorry?

Sing loudly and be cheerful about it.  The essence is to send a signal to him that you are not moved by his tantrums but enjoying yourself as he can see!  This is also good for your baby!

Send the "I no send" signal? Although she is torn-up inside. The physical and emotional turmoil will still be present and that will affect the baby. And this is still deceitful.

The earlier he realizes his error and makes-up the better for him.

Agreed, which is why a straightforward, concilitory, unpretensious approach to her spouse will cut to the chase much quicker, demonstrate maturity, be more likely to grab and focus his attention and effect speedy resolution.

If he doesn’t respond, then let him know you have decided to go stay with his sister till you deliver since he can’t offer you physical, emotional and psychological support.  This should speak to the man in him that he is not fulfilling his responsibilities while not demeaning you and hopefully jerk him up to wake up.

If pretence and deceit don't work, try provoking him and then escalate? Meanwhile, both her angst and the issues till remain?


I'm done here,unless Kungiya returns or something I consider germane is posted.

Apologies to as many as I could not respond to. Although I feel I have adressed all points pertaining to my advice.

Good night
TV

Agreed, which is why a straightforward, concilitory, unpretensious approach to her spouse will cut to the chase much quicker, demonstrate maturity, be more likely to grab and focus his attention and effect speedy resolution.

Like begging abi? Keep complaining about Analytical's solution which makes way more sense than your own.

TV01:


First let me apologise if you have taken offence. I said nothing derogatory about your family, merely wished you well as head of it.

Until you reconsider your "approach", point out specifics and help drive a solution here, I'll stop responding to your posts on this thread. It's not about us and some may find it distracting.


Best
TV

OK

halo everyone,

This indeed has been a very tough one on me and just couldnt take it anymore so i decided to do something about the situation.

I approached him yesterday night and told him i'm moving out the shock was clearly written on his face but i explained to that i can only fight with someone that is willing to fight with me, I can only fight for my marriage if he is also willing and after watching him for the past week, ave come to realise that he is not, so i want to give him his space.

Scondly, am not ready to be anyone's punching bag, I'd rather be the woman/wife that said no to it than hang on to the tittle mrs and be receiving slaps after each arguiment, I am ready to be a single mother/divorcee with my peace of mind and clear face. My people i don the table to him, he has been beging since yesterday, but live me sef i sabi do shakara.

Thanks for all the response(s) it worked magic for me. But the reality is that i really hope and pray (i have committed that one to God) that there wont be a second time.

Hi Kungiya,

I was posting a reply to some posts when I saw yours, so I have to respond to yours first. I am glad for you. I thought as much that the approach was going to break him down and bring him back to his senses. Good for him, let him beg and mean it. It's your time to organise your home. You are in a better position now. Don't do the shakara thing for too long. Get him to commit more to his responsibility as head of the home and that includes making sure you are secured and protected, not slapping you. Make sure he vows never to repeat it, then ask for compensation for the one he already did!!! He needs to give you a treat to settle the deal.

While you are at it, the two of you sit down and discuss what caused the argument that led to the slap in the 1st instance. Discuss what the two of you could have done differently to avert the situation and learn from it. Also, he owes your brother an apology and a make-up.

All the best in your marriage.

ThiefOfHearts:


This is great advice here.

Analytical, one quetsion though, what if she hasnt forgiven him? should she still say she has?

Thanks TOH. I assumed she has already forgiven her or willing to. If she hasn't, then she has to start from there! She is the willing partner in this case, so the initiative has to come from her. Being in marriage means you have to have your chest full of forgiveness in advance! It is an important ingredient of love which is the bedrock of marriage.

dayokanu:

I disagree that you cant have an argument or a disagreement with your wife when she is pregnant

Dayokanu, I learnt that one early in my marriage. Trust me, pregnancy hormones play a lot of tricks on a woman's body. Maybe I overgeneralised a bit. But I have learnt it is not advisable to. I have watched many women change drastically during pregnancy and do/say things they don't really mean. Not because they mean to. Many make requests that are so odd and inconsistent with their normal nature. Husbands should learn to understand with their wives at this period.

I know women react differently during pregnancy, but majority do funny things as well. Many have nausea almost all through. Some may not even be able to stand the smell of food in the kitchen. Many avoid cooking entirely. Some prefer strange foods during the period and all sort of things. Having a disagreement or quarel upsets most pregnant women. Don't be surprised to see her crying for seemingly innocent disapproval of how she dressed!!

Busy-body,

Of course, humility should be an ingredient if any one wants the best out of her/his marriage. I didn't suggest the opposite. We were devising a strategy to get her husband back. Going outrightly to beg may not have worked and I believe it wouldn't have been a good approach, giving that the man wasn't even talking with her and hardly stayed at home. Also, I still believe it's really not about differences between men and women, but more of differences in temperaments and maturity coupled with ego issues.

On a lighter side, 'softly-softly' with that your testerone levels and yanking table off to disconnect someone's artery o. Very scary!

The question begs to be asked. How far along is your pregnancy??

I'm sure there is a Yoruba adage that fits this situation perfectly, unfortunately I do not know it

long story short, o girl the warning signs are there it's your choice on whether you want to pay attention to them.

I'm yet to see a happily beaten wife oooo- unless you want to top that list you better find your way out of the marriage fast fast.

Dunno why you married him in the first place. I'm more than sure he has been aggressive towards you before.

Ladies should take note.

Now to my good friend, TV01,

TV01:

No Analytical, I implied nothing of the sort. And what I said is clear. The course of action I suggested did not include begging or apologising. I didn't even use the latter word.

The apology aspect of it is minor and will come as reconciliation is effected. It's actually parlayed more in it's playground sense here. "You were wrong, so you say sorry first" being the point? regardless of true remorse or a long-term fix?

Many are calling me out as a "typical Nigerian", which is amusing, as my claim to being Nigerian is at best tenuous. One begs for what one wants. One apologises for wrongdoing or error. Not the same thing although I appreciate your "typical naija" may conflate them.

Let me reserve the right to quibble with your response for now .

@Busy_body, hi and thanks for being objective.

Best
TV

Maybe you didn't realise the way you put the statement somehow implied you wanted her to beg!  My solution involves true remorse on the side of the husband, hence my advising her not to be cowed by his tantrums.  Begging for what she wants, according to you, in this case will be misconstrued by the husband.  So it's better to totally avoid that approach until he has apologised or shown true remorse.

On your other responses, I didn't imply she employs deceit.  Far from it.  When I advised she shows strength, I meant exactly that.  She has to dig deep and find that inner strength to deal with the issue.  She needed to encourage herself and enjoy herself.  Why would she continue to punish herself after receiving slap?  The man should be made to see what he is missing.  Hence, my advise to her to enjoy herself in the process; not forming, but actually making up her mind to as well enjoy herself!

What is wrong in teasing with passion your husband that was avoiding you?  He is her husband.  No pretense here.  Apregnant wife can be attractive if she gets creative.  The man was being unreasonable by avoiding her, so she can as well make it worth his efforts!  Marriage is a loong journey, not a sprint.  Eventually the man will learn not to but it's good to make him see what he is missing    Singing is therapeutic.  She better employ it.  Why is this a pretense?

I have not advised her to be deceitful.  I encouraged her to change her approach.  Instead of allowing him to weigh her down, why not refuse to be weighed down and let him see/know it.  You see, men sometimes need to be jolted back from their ego trips.  When he sees he is not having his desired result and he is merely punishing himself, he will come to his senses.

That is my drift.

queensmith:

The question begs to be asked. How far along is your pregnancy??

I'm sure there is a Yoruba adage that fits this situation perfectly, unfortunately I do not know it

long story short, o girl the warning signs are there it's your choice on whether you want to pay attention to them.

I'm yet to see a happily beaten wife oooo- unless you want to top that list you better find your way out of the marriage fast fast.

Dunno why you married him in the first place. I'm more than sure he has been aggressive towards you before.

Ladies should take note.

Queensmith, wrong advice. She doesn't want to get out of the marriage. She actually wants to fix it. Check her update just a couple of posts away from from yours.

@analytical AH it was not advice ooooooo, im telling her what she SHOULD DO!

kungiya:

halo everyone,

This indeed has been a very tough one on me and just couldnt take it anymore so i decided to do something about the situation.

I approached him yesterday night and told him i'm moving out the shock was clearly written on his face but i explained to that i can only fight with someone that is willing to fight with me, I can only fight for my marriage if he is also willing and after watching him for the past week, ave come to realise that he is not, so i want to give him his space.

Scondly, am not ready to be anyone's punching bag, I'd rather be the woman/wife that said no to it  than hang on to the tittle mrs and be receiving slaps after each arguiment, I am ready to be a single mother/divorcee with my peace of mind and clear face. My people i don the  table to him, he has been beging since yesterday, but live me sef i sabi do shakara.

Thanks for all the response(s) it worked magic for me. But the reality is that i really hope and pray (i have committed that one to God) that there wont be a second time.

good luck with all that

I am happy you stood your grounds and it worked out well. Its very good you told him that beating or slapping wont be condoned, now forgive him and work on your marriage, communicate and do your part, make sure he keeps his words too. Best wishes. Doing shakara now makes you as childish as he was, I dont like mind games, he has apologised, if you have forgiven him let it go and talk on how things should go in your relationship

moremi2008:

Please, don't get on my nerves. I have observed your posts in other threads and I have zero tolerance for you. You think Saga is a meanie? Well, I am Saga's master and wait until you feel my wrath: it's merciless.

This is a forum for fully mature adults. If fragile amoral egos are shattered by my words, then I am doing the world a great service. Fragile egos should be kept locked in the closet; not brought out to play with the big, bad wolves. The days of coming here to kumbaya in united folly are over. Please save all the wretched, empty, misogynistic debating for the beer parlors. Moremi has come to deliver verbal justice to unrefined minds and to vanquish apologists for domestic abuse. My mission is sacrosanct.

Only Aunty Nike can calm my tempest when it roars and temper my justice when it bites. You should cower when I speak. How dare you speak when not spoken to? Now go play with your mates!  

  Just hilarious,  Funniest post I've read