moremi2008:

Your revisionist comeback isn't really helping your case. Nobody asked her to go call her husband names or trash him. In fact, she has received the opposite advice to remain civil toward him. You are just making-up facts as you go and that is just disgraceful: evidence of a weak and disingenious mind.

This man was physically violent with his adult sister. So yes, there is some history of physical violence towards women. A man with good home-training and a stable, mature mind should know that physically slapping your wife is totally out-of-the-question. There just isn't an excuse for it. I don't care if that was the first time or the hundredth time.

@Moremi2008,

Happy to join the discussion and always willing to hear varying opinions. Why shouldn’t I learn/understand from peoples input here? But could I ask that you drop the invective and needless characterisations. It lends nothing to the discussion and is at best distracting.

I haven’t changed a word of my posts, meaning or intent on this thread.

“Remain Civil” – Are they work colleagues? Neighbours? They are husband and wife. Remaining “civil” while this issue remains unresolved is potentially worsening the situation. I clearly advised Kungiya to broach the issue in a conciliatory manner. Regardless of fault there is nothing stopping her initiating dialogue.

In all this, Hungiya’ position remains delicate and she is obviously distressed. Advice along the lines of “give him attitude” is not the best approach. They are one. They should be loving, not merely civil. The aim should be to set the scene for resolution.


“Violence towards his sister” – Kungiya said “though this is his first time hiting me, I found out later that he does that a lot (his sister).”

To his sister/s elder or younger? Or in his previous relationships? Was this in the past or till date, if it’s his sister/s? He had a known history and his sisters/family allowed him to marry her without resolving this issue, neither warning her prior or after? So what is their plan now? I won’t get carried away in condemning him or the relationship based on what we know – his wife hasn’t done that.

Thanks
TV

@ TV, please permit me to respond and probably clarify what we ( women) are all saying, , when a man marries a woman and hits her ( when pregnant) over an argument it is very wrong! You are painting the man like the victim and you "seem" to potray a view that the husband have little duty to sustain or keep his marriage. The bone of contention is not really the slap ( as much as it shows his violent temper), it is the absence of remorse! He does not see a thing wrong! And yet she should stroke his ego?

On the bit about violence to sisters, TV, you are a man, tell me 1 of your friends that had the habit of hitting their adult sisters who never hit their wives, It is a personality fraility and the husband need to realise he is wrong.

Am all for reconciliation and broaching of the subject humbly, but she needs to be firm and show that she will not accept such behaviors

My 2 cents,

My dear sister, i must confess to u that what he did was wrong. I apologize on his behalf. The honest truth is that no one can mend your marriage for u but it is u yourself. If things go contrary none of those who said u should not take it likely with your husband wil stand by u again. I have never hit or beat my wife since 8yrs we married. I will advise u take heart before God to renew him, then go on yous knees an beg him. I will also pray along with u. God bless your home.

souldiva:

@ TV, please permit me to respond and probably clarify what we ( women) are all saying,

No problem, happy for the clarification.

souldiva:

when a man marries a woman and hits her ( when pregnant) over an argument it is very wrong!

I'm taking it you personally read my posts on this thread? I whole heartedly agree and made the point that violence is unacceptable.

souldiva:

You are painting the man like the victim and you "seem" to potray a view that the husband have little duty to sustain or keep his marriage.

OP wants to resolve things. I advised on an approach to do this and tried to give insight into what may have prompted his actions. I did not excuse him, nor did I fault her.

As an aside, It may be a helpful exercise for people to post their views/understanding of how marriage should work. I wonder based on what I read here.

The husband has not posted. My advice was directed to the spouse that posted. For the record, IMO both spouses have a 100% duty to ensure the marriage works. Again, there is nothing wrong with the wife initiating reconciliation even if she is 100% right. That's maturity. That's love.

souldiva:

The bone of contention is not really the slap ( as much as it shows his violent temper), it is the absence of remorse! He does not see a thing wrong! And yet she should stroke his ego?

People can characterise him how they will. That in itself does not bring resolution or help remediation. The issue remains, the poster is still distressed. and wants to save her marriage. If indeed taking the initiative and being conciliatory strokes his ego, is a stand-off the way forward? If one spouse is unrepentently egotistical and the other wilfully proud, what hope anyway? Her action should be for the desired outcome.

souldiva:

On the bit about violence to sisters, TV, you are a man, tell me 1 of your friends that had the habit of hitting their adult sisters who never hit their wives, It is a personality fraility and the husband need to realise he is wrong.

The bit about hitting his sisters (or in previous relationships) is unclear. I have not personally come across the situation of sibling abuse turning into spousal abuse, so can't comment. Needless to say, I wouldn't knowingly keep a spousal abuser as a friend.

Agreed it's a character flaw and needs to be fixed, I noted that and advised how she could help.

souldiva:

Am all for reconciliation and broaching of the subject humbly, but she needs to be firm and show that she will not accept such behaviors

Agreed exactly as stated. It was the thrust of my post. I stand corrected if you can show otherwise. You did read it right?

Thanks
TV

@ Poster no need for long magana, just open your eyes, if the slaps start climbing up the ladder to blows, kicks and has become persistent, all words from neighbours, family has fallen on deaf ears, just pack yourself and kids to a save harbour.

Ok.

I always say take the first slap and nothing more.

He has been warned and that would be the last time

Dont apologize nada. Let him be

^ Can I slap you? Just once I promise.

If he offends you does he expect you to slap him too?. . . .Don't EVER apologize. . . .Abusers don't ever stop abusing their victims once they know they can get away with it, you have to fight your way and make them stop abusing you. . .

Don't condone violence.

TV01:

@Moremi2008,

Happy to join the discussion and always willing to hear varying opinions. Why shouldn’t I learn/understand from peoples input here? But could I ask that you drop the invective and needless characterisations.  It lends nothing to the discussion and is at best distracting.

I haven’t changed a word of my posts, meaning or intent on this thread.

“Remain Civil” – Are they work colleagues?  Neighbours?  They are husband and wife. Remaining “civil” while this issue remains unresolved is potentially worsening the situation. I clearly advised Kungiya to broach the issue in a conciliatory manner. Regardless of fault there is nothing stopping her initiating dialogue.

In all this, Hungiya’ position remains delicate and she is obviously distressed. Advice along the lines of “give him attitude” is not the best approach. They are one. They should be loving, not merely civil. The aim should be to set the scene for resolution.


“Violence towards his sister” – Kungiya said “though this is his first time hiting me, I found out later that he does that a lot (his sister).”

To his sister/s elder or younger? Or in his previous relationships? Was this in the past or till date, if it’s his sister/s? He had a known history and his sisters/family allowed him to marry her without resolving this issue, neither warning her prior or after? So what is their plan now? I won’t get carried away in condemning him or the relationship based on what we know – his wife hasn’t done that.

Thanks
TV

I reserve the right to call you out and call you names if you come on here to spout criminal foolishness. Moreover, there is NOTHING to debate or discuss here. That man should not have slapped his pregnant wife and the wife should not be apologizing to anybody. Period!

So what exactly is your point, most gracious Sir? Can you make your point in one paragraph or less so there is no confusion. From what I understand from your rambling epistles, you think the wife should approach her husband conciliatorily for slapping her?!! Jesus! What did you have for breakfast this morning, Oga? You aren't making any sense! I don't care what the husband has to say about slapping his pregnant wife. There is ABSOLUTELY ZERO EXCUSE for slapping your wife, period! A man that can't control himself well enough to avoid slapping his wife has no business getting married. Self-control with regards to physical violence is something we should all have mastered as teenagers!

Why do Nigerians think physical violence is something that's out of an angry man's control? That's just a patent lie (except for special cases of pyschologically impaired individuals). Would this same husband have slapped his boss at work under any circumstance? Would he have slapped an armed policeman at a checkpoint, no matter how angry that policeman made him? The fact remains that he saw his wife as a vulnerable person he can slap without facing any adverse consequences. He is only now upset because his assumption was proved wrong. I am happy for Kungiya that she didn't allow herself to be a punching bag. If her husband cannot control himself to seek better means of dispute resolution that doesn't involve physical abuse, then that marriage is probably not worth saving.

I have younger sisters and I would give them the same advice. No sister of mine will become a punching bag for a man. Dem no born dat man well! I will cut off his balls and feed it to Bingo the dog!

PS - your stance on this issue appears to be purely utilitarian. Peace, love and harmony at any cost! Damn the moral implications! This is why nobody in their right mind would ever agree with you. Your premise is fundamentally flawed and unworthy of debating.

Gloriouspa:

then go on yous knees an beg him. 

You are very stooopid, did you hear me? You are very very stooopid. Devil soda that hand you used to type that nonsense. Eedddiotttttt


Lol TOH, she is still cooking, GOd forbid it happens to me, the man will not find any food on that house until he apologises on his knee, cook food for him ko. Go and buy yourself a small pot for one and start cooking for yourself

moremi2008:

Would this same husband have slapped his boss at work under any circumstance?
Would he have slapped an armed policeman at a checkpoint, no matter how angry that policeman made him?

The fact remains that he saw his wife as a vulnerable person he can slap without facing any adverse consequences.

This has always been my point in cases of spousal abuse.

When your boss makes you angry would you slap him?

I want to see TV1's yeye reponse to moremi LOL

ThiefOfHearts:

I want to see TV1's yeye reponse to moremi LOL

I am still building my dossier. Don't get too comfortable!

LOL If you build it, they will come. abi?

Abeg make I hear word.

moremi2008:

I am still building my dossier. Don't get too comfortable!

*shrugs* I couldnt care less about such trivial/petty trash. 

Unlike you,  Im not a bitter grudge holder so once Im out of a thread I dont take it to others. NL aint that serious to me, dude. I agree with your comments to TV1. No more. Simple as that

again cant wait to see his response,   

All,

Kungiya's husband committed a series of blunders:

1.  Having an argument with a pregnant wife and walking out: He needs to learn she is prone to mood swings and hormonal tricks and as such vulnerable at this period.  This is when she needs understanding from him.  Whatever his wife says or does to him in this state is not to be taken seriously.  Arguing with her is just out of it.  Moreso, it’s not too healthy to pass such negative emotions to the baby inside.

2.  Slapping her at all: He must be really out of his mind at this point.     Arguably, he thought she was reporting him to whoever, but hitting her is just madness.  Slapping her at all is so so gross, but slapping a pregnant wife is pure madness.  At a time when he should be treating his wife like a queen and dancing to every one of her whims and odd requests (yes, some requests can be very odd) at this time and enjoying the thrills of it all, being the first-time father-to-be, he is busy abusing his pregnant wife!  What if she fainted?  What if she fell down and injured herself?  What if she goes into premature labour?  What if she loses the pregnancy?  What sort of man slaps a pregnant wife?

3.  Slapping her when she was talking with someone on the phone: Knowing she was with someone on the phone, he should have exercised caution by controlling his anger.  How can you slap a wife, pregnant, to the hearing of someone on the other end?  What sort of impression was he creating?

4.  Slapping her to the hearing of her brother:  Now finding out that the person on the other end is her brother serves him right.  He reported himself.  Was he expecting the brother to praise him for slapping his sister?  He has messed himself up right before his in-law.  He deserves whatever he gets from the brother.  He is lucky he wasn’t beaten up, just to teach him a lesson.  He ought to have apologized to the brother instead of acting up like a baby.

5.  Not showing remorse or apologizing after the act: I wonder why some men feel it’s macho not to apologize!  If you are wrong, by every means you don’t have to wait to apologize, moreso to your wife.  It doesn’t remove from your manhood.  Everyone in a relationship should learn to use the words ‘please’ and ‘sorry’.


6. Acting funny and playing the victim: This is just so childish.  You don’t slap someone and still act up except you are a clown.

7. Absconding from home and avoiding the wife: You don’t do this to a pregnant wife, regardless of what she did.  She needs the husband, emotionally, psychologically and physically.

8. Sending a friend to discuss with his wife while he avoids his wife This is shirking your responsibility as a man and a husband.  Resolving issues with a wife whom you have wronged is a mark of maturity.

. . .

. . .

So,what is the way forward?  The man should apologize to the wife not the other way round.  This is where I disagree with TVo1.  And not only the wife, he should apologize also to the wife’s brother and to his own sister as well!  Then he should make amends for passing the wife through such unwarranted turbulence at a time she needs all the love she can get and make sure this is the 1st and the last slap he will ever give the wife.

Hungiya has not done anything wrong.  So I won’t go advising her to apologize to the man, however fragile his ego might be at this point.  The first years of marriage are boundary setting ones and as such trying, because frictions are bound/prone to occur.   That is when most marriages that fail break up.  The husband is the one to apologize and he ought to do it without reservations or being coaxed.  This is the time for him to learn that.

But the husband is not here and is not the one seeking advice on how to save his marriage.  So I will rather advise Hungiya what she could do.  Yes, she can make the move for reconciliation or show him she is ready to reconcile, while not condoning his wrongs or tantrums.  First, Kungiya, let him know he has been forgiven by any means you could.  Since you are not talking right now, you can drop notes where he can see them.  You may send sms to him.  You may send his friend back to him.  Let him know he is forgiven but he needs to realize how much he has hurt you.  If he actually loves you, this should work.

Another thing you can do is to actually show some strength and not weakness.  Don't give in to his tantrums.  Show him you are enjoying yourself anyway.  Cook nice meals for yourself and relish eating it.  Watch your favourite program and be seen to enjoy it.  Dress (or UnCloth) to entice him but don’t give him the chance to even come near!!  Except he is playing ‘away matches’, he surely needs his wife at some point.  Sing loudly and be cheerful about it.  The essence is to send a signal to him that you are not moved by his tantrums but enjoying yourself as he can see!  This is also good for your baby!  The earlier he realizes his error and makes-up the better for him.

If he doesn’t respond, then let him know you have decided to go stay with his sister till you deliver since he can’t offer you physical, emotional and psychological support.  This should speak to the man in him that he is not fulfilling his responsibilities while not demeaning you and hopefully jerk him up to wake up.

Hope it works.

Analytical:

. . .

So,what is the way forward?  The man should apologize to the wife not the other way round.  This is where I disagree with TVo1.  And not only the wife, he should apologize also to the wife’s brother and to his own sister as well!  Then he should make amends for passing the wife through such unwarranted turbulence at a time she needs all the love she can get and make sure this is the 1st and the last slap he will ever give the wife.

Hungiya has not done anything wrong.  So I won’t go advising her to apologize to the man, however fragile his ego might be at this point.  The first years of marriage are boundary setting ones and as such trying, because frictions are bound/prone to occur.   That is when most marriages that fail break up.  The husband is the one to apologize and he ought to do it without reservations or being coaxed.  This is the time for him to learn that.

But the husband is not here and is not the one seeking advice on how to save his marriage.  So I will rather advise Hungiya what she could do.  Yes, she can make the move for reconciliation or show him she is ready to reconcile, while not condoning his wrongs or tantrums.  First, Hungiya, let him know he has been forgiven by any means you could.  Since you are not talking right now, you can drop notes where he can see them.  You may send sms to him.  You may send his friend back to him.  Let him know he is forgiven but he needs to realize how much he has hurt you.  If he actually loves you, this should work.

Another thing you can do is to actually show some strength and not weakness.  Don't give in to his tantrums.  Show him you are enjoying yourself anyway.  Cook nice meals for yourself and relish eating it.  Watch your favourite program and be seen to enjoy it.  Dress (or UnCloth) to entice him but don’t give him the chance to even come near!!  Except he is playing ‘away matches’, he surely needs his wife at some point.  Sing loudly and be cheerful about it.  The essence is to send a signal to him that you are not moved by his tantrums but enjoying yourself as he can see!  This is also good for your baby! The earlier he realizes his error and makes-up the better for him.

If he doesn’t respond, then let him know you have decided to go stay with his sister till you deliver since he can’t offer you physical, emotional and psychological support.  This should speak to the man in him that he is not fulfilling his responsibilities while not demeaning you and hopefully jerk him up to wake up.

Hope it works.

best advice on the thread so far

Analytical:

. . .

So,what is the way forward? The man should apologize to the wife not the other way round. This is where I disagree with TVo1.

Hi Analytical,

Trust you are well.

In as much as you disagree with me, could you please show from my post/s what it is you disagree with, as I have nowhere said she should apologise.

You then went on to essentially summarise what I advised in your third paragraph. I'm taking it that you read and responded to my post, not the responses to it?

I also disagree with parts of your post, but I think it best we progress on a point by point basis.

Best
TV

TV01, I'm cool.

My post was becoming long, so I couldn't post parts of yours I didn't agree with.  Here they are:

Many are counseling you not to beg. Even the worldly know that when it comes to engendering harmony in relationships – let alone the apex human relationship of marriage – pride should be the last thing in view. Even TLC knew to sing “I ain’t to proud to beg”.

Am I saying beg? Not as such, what I am saying is “humble yourself”. Approach your husband (how and when is peculiar to the dynamic between you. Please consider the best way and time to broach this).

You implied somehow she has to beg or she wasn't humble enough, which I disagree with.  I think there are ways other than begging or apologizing for being slapped.

Now about your husband. You are wondering  why he is behaving as if he was the one that got slapped. That’s because in a way he did. He see’s himself as the head of “his” home. Your reporting him to your brother and his sister and their taking him to task over this was an “ ego slap”.

He didn't get slapped.  No one is contesting the headship of the home with him.  Part of that headship entails temperance/self-control which he didn't exhibit.  She didn't report him to her brother.  He reported himself when he gave a slap to his brother-in-law's hearing!  At that point, the reaction he got from the brother is totally out of his wife's hands.  While I won't encourage her bringing 3rd parties to resolving their private issues, you have to consider the fact she is pregnant and so physically and emotionally vulnerable.  In this case, telling his sister may not be so out of order, considering he didn't even feel remorseful after!  He may just need someone to bring him back from his ego trip!  If he didn't think twice to slap a preggy wife, he may do worse later!

Please, except in extreme case always try and contain incidents between yourself and your husband to just the two of you in the first instance. Outcomes. Remember, always be your husbands staunchest and most loyal supporter.

Agreed.  However, you have to realise they are still adjusting and setting boundaries.  With time and benefit of hindsight, they will learn to keep issues strictly private, but violence should be a no-go area.

Feel free to show where you don't agree with me.

TV01


You are the only one with the insight and wisdom to suss out the age long battle of the sexes transpiring between the whole imbroglio that unfolded between the OP and her Hubby, and I know from your response to the post and subsequent ones that the advice you would have given if both parties were on the ground would be different Not once did you condone the Husband's action, and not once did you advocate the lady should beg. . . All you said to the OP was "don't heed those telling you not to beg . . .and this does not necessarily translate to the opposite

Busy_body:

TV01


You are the only one with the insight and wisdom to suss out the age long battle of the sexes transpiring between the whole imbroglio that unfolded between the OP and her Hubby, and I know from your response to the post and subsequent ones that the advice you would have given if both parties were on the ground would be different Not once did you condone the Husband's action, and not once did you advocate the lady should beg. . . All you said to the OP was "don't heed those telling you not to beg . . .and this does not necessarily translate to the opposite

Everything is wisdom and insight to a busy body. Abeg, comot!

moremi2008:

I reserve the right to call you out and call you names if you come on here to spout criminal foolishness. Moreover, there is NOTHING to debate or discuss here. That man should not have slapped his pregnant wife and the wife should not be apologizing to anybody. Period!?

Water off a ducks back. Appreciate your leaving my family out though.

To the discussion;
1. Nowhere did I suggest he should have slapped his wife
2. Nowhere did I suggest she should apologise
3. There everything to discuss. OP asked for help "saving her marriage"
4. I am looking at and beyond the incident to give advice.

moremi2008:


So what exactly is your point, most gracious Sir? Can you make your point in one paragraph or less so there is no confusion. From what I understand from your rambling epistles, you think the wife should approach her husband conciliatorily for slapping her?!! Jesus! What did you have for breakfast this morning, Oga? You aren't making any sense! I don't care what the husband has to say about slapping his pregnant wife. There is ABSOLUTELY ZERO EXCUSE for slapping your wife, period! A man that can't control himself well enough to avoid slapping his wife has no business getting married. Self-control with regards to physical violence is something we should all have mastered as teenagers!

5. My point? 1-4 above firstly
6. There is nothing wrong with her OP initiating dialogue. It's best done in a conciliatory manner .
7. An attitude may just inflame the situation further. Plus, she is distressed and rightly seeks speedy resolution
8. Porridge with mixed fruit compote? Et toi? Please don't blaspheme
9. Agreed, zero excuse for slapping your wife.  He has done so, she is his wife and she wants to keep her marriage
10. He is no longer a teenager. He has not mastered his emotions. He is married. Your point/suggestion?

moremi2008:

Why do Nigerians think physical violence is something that's out of an angry man's control? That's just a patent lie (except for special cases of pyschologically impaired individuals). Would this same husband have slapped his boss at work under any circumstance? Would he have slapped an armed policeman at a checkpoint, no matter how angry that policeman made him? The fact remains that he saw his wife as a vulnerable person he can slap without facing any adverse consequences. He is only now upset because his assumption was proved wrong. I am happy for Kungiya that she didn't allow herself to be a punching bag. If her husband cannot control himself to seek better means of dispute resolution that doesn't involve physical abuse, then that marriage is probably not worth saving.

11. I can't speak for Nigerians. I can't speak for OP' husband
12. You can't  speak for OP' husband or know what he was thinking/feeling.
13. Where you and many are going on this thread. "characterisation, presumption and declaration" "The marriage is probably not worth saving"

moremi2008:

I have younger sisters and I would give them the same advice. No sister of mine will become a punching bag for a man. Dem no born dat man well! I will cut off his balls and feed it to Bingo the dog!

From your posts, you are now de facto head of your family. I pray you have the wisdom and maturity to deal with any issues. And not based on your feelings, which is what it sounds like OP' husband did.

moremi2008:

PS - your stance on this issue appears to be purely utilitarian. Peace, love and harmony at any cost! Damn the moral implications! This is why nobody in their right mind would ever agree with you. Your premise is fundamentally flawed and unworthy of debating.

Wisdom, sound judgement and objectivity. You'll need it sir.

A first - and as far as we know only - incident in 2 years of marriage and courtship. The OP would like to save and improve her marriage. Peace, love and harmony yes, but does that sound like "At any cost" at this stage. Discard hysteria and hyperbole.

Best
TV

moremi2008:

Everything is wisdom and insight to a busy body. Abeg, comot!

All you have to do is pinpoint exactly wia e dey pain you oh I come in peace as always and leave in peace as usual

Poster,

I can see that most of the people advicing you are ladies and I can bet most are not married. Be beware of these advice because most of them will not do what they are asking you to do. Only you will suffer the consequences of your decisions so be careful. You know yourself and only you know your hubby best. Try and resolve this quickly.

Clearly, what he did was despicable and unjustifiable but he is your husband and it is your responsibility to help him. If he has an ego, may be you should check yours too. I can swear he is feeling bad, ashamed and guilty, so my question is are you willing to help him. You are newly married so this is an opportunity to establish conflict resolution procedure for your marriage.

I have been married for much longer than you (I am a man) and may I suggest you approach him. If you dont want to talk to him directly, send him an e-mail or a text and tell him exactly how you feel. Let him know how hurt you are and how you never want that to happen again. Let him know what he has done is bad and you dont want that to happen again. But let him also know you are willing to forgive and move on. Once that channel of communication is open he will begin to respond. I can bet you he is feeling very guilty now.

One other piece of advice, if there is an issue, try and resolve with your husband first before speaking to third parties (your families inclusive). Most time third parties cause more trouble than they help especially the inexperienced people here on Nairaland, so dont listen to them o. Misery loves company so they are trying to ruin your luvly marriage because they are not married yet. But please find a way to communicate your feelings to your husband and try move on. No need to report to your bro or his sis anymore, that will only aggravate the problem.

I'm sure you will be aight.

Busy-body, we were not there when it happened.  The husband is not here to tell us his version.  We can only advise based on what the OP wrote and she needed the advice she could get and fast too, because she wants to save her marriage.  While I don't know what the argument between her and the husband was initially about (she may be wrong for all we know!), the actions the husband took were not the best, especially considering her condition.

I agree mostly with what TV01 wrote, save for those highlighted.  I am for marriage and its sanctity.  Telling the OP to go apologising (for getting slapped) will not help the husband deal with his fragile ego that tripped out of control so eagerly.  At the same time, since she is the one seeking advice and willing to reconcile, I gave my advice as I did above.  It has to be done without condoning the wrong acts of the husband nor debasing her own self-esteem.

Cheers.

TV01:

Water off a ducks back. Appreciate your leaving my family out though.

To the discussion;
1. Nowhere did I suggest he should have slapped his wife
2. Nowhere did I suggest she should apologise
3. There everything to discuss. OP asked for help "saving her marriage"
4. I am looking at and beyond the incident to give advice.

5. My point? 1-4 above firstly
6. There is nothing wrong with her OP initiating dialogue. It's best done in a conciliatory manner .
7. An attitude may just inflame the situation further. Plus, she is distressed and rightly seeks speedy resolution
8. Porridge with mixed fruit compote? Et toi? Please don't blaspheme
9. Agreed, zero excuse for slapping your wife.  He has done so, she is his wife and she wants to keep her marriage
10. He is no longer a teenager. He has not mastered his emotions. He is married. Your point/suggestion?

11. I can't speak for Nigerians. I can't speak for OP' husband
12. You can't  speak for OP' husband or know what he was thinking/feeling.
13. Where you and many are going on this thread. "characterisation, presumption and declaration" "The marriage is probably not worth saving"


From your posts, you are now de facto head of your family. I pray you have the wisdom and maturity to deal with any issues. And not based on your feelings, which is what it sounds like OP' husband did.

Wisdom, sound judgement and objectivity. You'll need it sir.

A first - and as far as we know only - incident in 2 years of marriage and courtship. The OP would like to save and improve her marriage. Peace, love and harmony yes, but does that sound like "At any cost" at this stage. Discard hysteria and hyperbole.

Best
TV

That is a lot of words for saying absolutely nothing. What about summarizing don't you understand? So your advice is for the wife to initiate dialogue with a man that won't speak to her and is sending her messages through a friend? You ignore the "probably" sitting right in the middle of a sentence to call that sentence presumptuous? You ask me to leave out references to your family and then you turn right around and refer to mine?

Bros, you are an eediot masquerading as a savant. I go hard but I have firing neurons to back it up. And you? You are all puff-puff and no substance; going on and on about nothing of any worth; full of contradictions and moral lacunae.

PS - Numbering your sentences won't make them any smarter. Try another trick next time.  

Nashville:

I can swear he is feeling bad, ashamed and guilty, so my question is are you willing to help him. You are newly married so this is an opportunity to establish conflict resolution procedure for your marriage.

I am not too sure about the bolded part.  Someone feeling bad, ashamed and guilty would have initiated a resolution and won't abscond  from his pregnant wife.  Yes, this is the opportunity to establish conflict resolution procedure and that involves either party learning to admit when they are wrong.  The husband has not clearly done that but as it is with some men, expects the wife to come kneeling down, crying and begging them since he is the head of the home.  It could have been different if his actions show some remorse and he is finding it difficult to say he is sorry.

Analytical:

I am not too sure about the bolded part. Someone feeling bad, ashamed and guilty would have initiated a resolution and won't abscond from his pregnant wife. Yes, this is the opportunity to establish conflict resolution procedure and that involves either party learning to admit when they are wrong. The husband has not clearly done that but as it is with some men, expects the wife to come kneeling down, crying and begging them since he is the head of the home. It could have been different if his actions show some remorse and he is finding it difficult to say he is sorry.

You canoot conclude that. All I am saying is that she should initiate a conversation and in order to let her feelings known and then let us see what he says. I am not suggesting she begs, but it is in her interest to resolve the issue quickly. They are newly married and she has said it is the first time he is hitting her so lets help jer to resolve this.

Moremi2008, please tone down your language.  I believe we can make our points without resorting to name-calling and all.  This is family section and we are dealing with people with real problems seeking solutions.  The least we could do is to offer them without distracting from the issues at hand or discouraging people simply because we don't agree with others' opinions.

Analytical:

Busy-body, we were not there when it happened.  The husband is not here to tell us his version.  We can only advise based on what the OP wrote and she needed the advice she could get and fast too, because she wants to save her marriage.  While I don't know what the argument between her and the husband was initially about (she may be wrong for all we know!), the actions the husband took were not the best, especially considering her condition.

I agree mostly with what TV01 wrote, save for those highlighted.  I am for marriage and its sanctity.  Telling the OP to go apologising (for getting slapped) will not help the husband deal with his fragile ego that tripped out of control so eagerly.  At the same time, since she is the one seeking advice and willing to reconcile, I gave my advice as I did above.  It has to be done without condoning the wrong acts of the husband nor debasing her own self-esteem.

Cheers.

TV01 never for once said the Hubby was blameless. He never said she should go and beg him, all he did was give a tailormade response to a lady who clearly stated that she wants her marriage to work. Or what would inciting her to get vexed and worked up achieve?

he even nailed it on his head when he stated that THE HUBBY HAD NOT MASTERED HIS EMOTION.

The dude feeling his manhood was being threatened was wrong to slap her for wrongly assuming she was reporting him to her Brother and the brevity of his offence must have dawned on him later, hence reason he is now enlisting the help of his friend. . . We need to realise that men and women have much more differences than black people and white people. For example, women have boobs and give birth, whilst men don't, so obviously our brains are different and wired differently too hence what some men can easily do remain an herculean task for us ladies and vice versa. . .so the earlier we start realising this, the better.

No one who hears such story should not flinch at the monstrous attitude of the dude, but the deed has been done and what the OP is after is a way forward, which TV01 succintly provided.