Hey Guys,

I rarely post here and just read but once in a while, if I read something that touches me then I try to share. Please read this story of a woman who lost her life too early.

Here is the source Ogo's Story

My mum is crying. I can see her from here. She has aged since the last time I saw her.

Why does she look so old and why is she so thin? Can someone console her? Can someone make her stop crying?

I try to get up but I can’t. I try to reach for her, but I’m stuck where I am. It is very dark in here, and very cold, so very cold.

What am I doing here? Where is everybody? Where are my children? I begin to panic, to struggle; I want to get out of this dark room.


I can hear Uzo calling. She’s calling my name. Then, I see mum again. And I hear Uzo again. I don’t see my children. Where are my children? I can’t see beyond the walls of this dark and cold room.

Uzo calls again.

She sounds desperate to rouse me from my sleep. I am struggling to wake but I can’t. I open my eyes and they shut of their own accord.
I am powerless to keep them from shutting. And I find as soon as I stop struggling, my sleep becomes sweet repose. Suddenly I don’t want to wake from it just yet. It is peaceful.

I see mum again, and I see Uzo. Uzo keeps calling. She won’t stop calling. She is crying too, just like mum.

Can someone bring Kamsi and Amanda to me? Can someone bring my babies to me? I need to hug them, Kamsi, especially. Is he crying too and calling out for me?
Does he understand that I am gone? Kamsi will miss me.

He is a special child, you know; Kamsiyochukwu - my son and my first child.

I prayed and longed for his birth. He was the blessing from above that would seal Kevin’s love for me and give me some footing in his home and some acceptance from his family.

Before Kamsi, I was a nobody in Kevin’s home. I was born the last of nine children, the baby of the family. I was used to love and affection. I was everyone’s baby. I grew up knowing that everyone had my back, I grew up knowing the safety and security of being the baby of the home. You may then understand my shock when I stepped out of my home and into new territory with the man of my dreams only to find that I was really not as special as I had been made to believe. I look back to that day when Kevin took me home to introduce me to my new family. The cold and rude shock of the welcome his brother’s wife gave me set off an alarm in my head.

These people didn’t think I was special. In fact, her first words were, ”Kevin, ebe kwa ka isi dute nka?” (Kevin, “Where on earth did you bring this one from?) That would be the first time I would be addressed as “this one” and from then on, I grappled with the realization that I was not welcome in my new home.

I remember my first Christmas at Ihiala as a new bride. My brother-in-law’s wife would sneer and clap and refer to me as “Ndi ji ukwu azo akwu” (the people who process palm fruits with their bare feet). I knew she meant my impoverished home town of Nsukka. She would sing to me all day long telling me the only reason why their brother married me was because of my beauty and complexion.

Now, I lie here and I wonder if I was in my right mind to ignore the several other alarms over my 12- year union with Kevin.

I had to ignore them, I told myself. I had already taken my vows to be with Kevin until death did us part.

They never really wanted me, I can now see. But I was too blinded by love to realize that. I needed to do something to cement Kevin’s heart with mine. I needed to remain Kevin’s wife and to prove to the world that indeed Love would conquer all.

When after one year of marriage there were still no children, the painful journey that sent me to my grave started. I went from specialist to specialist, ingested every kind of pill that promised to boost my fertility. As my desperation grew, so did pressure from Kevin’s family. My horror-movie life story started playing out; the horror-movie life that has sent me to an early and cold grave from where I write this letter to my husband.

************************************************************************************************
My sweet Kevin,


We started to fight over little things. The fights were worse after you visited home or attended any of your numerous family meetings. You came home one evening and asked me to move out of the bedroom we both shared and into the guestroom downstairs. The next time you returned from the meeting, you tied me up with a rope and used your belt on me. No one heard my screams.

I remember when you told me that your family had asked you to remarry. You showed me documents of all your numerous landed property including the house we lived in. Your brother was listed as next of kin. When I asked you about it, your answer rocked the ground I was standing on. You said, “What have you to show that entitles you to any stake in this household?” You were referring to my barreness.

It is funny how to my family and friends, I was the beautiful and loving Ogo, whilst to you and your family I was a worthless piece of rag. You called me barren. I could have fled but your love and acceptance was of more worth to me than the love and admiration of the world outside our home. I desperately sought to be loved by you, Kevin.
In your family’s presence I felt unworthy, unloved and unwanted. Yet, I stayed on. I would make you love me one way or the other and I knew that one sure way would
be to produce a child, an heir for you. That was the most important thing to you.

I began the numerous procedures, painful procedures, including surgery. I gave myself daily shots. At some point the needles could no longer pierce my skin. My skin had toughened to the piercing pain of needles.

After seven years of marriage, our prayers were answered. God blessed us with our son Kamsiyochukwu, which means ‘’Just as I asked of the Lord’’. God had intervened and miracles were about to start happening because for the first time in seven years, my mother-in-law called me. Finally I was home. I had been accepted. I was now a woman, a wife and a mother. Finally there was peace. Kamsi will be four in November.

The miracles stayed with me because 18 months later through another procedure, Chimamanda was born. Her birth was bitter sweet for me. Sweet because you Kevin, my husband, and my in-laws would love me more for bearing a second child, but bitter because this particular birth almost cost me my life. The doctors had become very concerned. You see, I had developed too many complications from all the different procedures I had undergone in the journey to have children and these were beginning to get in the way of normal everyday living. I developed conditions that had almost become life threatening. So the doctors sent me off with my new bundle of joy and with a stern warning not to try for another child as I may not be so lucky.

I chuckled, almost gleefully. Why would I want to try for a third child? God had given me a boy and a girl, what more could I ask for. I was only ever so thankful to God.
Kevin, you and I gave numerous and very generous donations to different churches in thanksgiving to God. All was well. I was happy and fulfilled. Kevin, you loved me again. Your family accepted me. Life was good. And all was quiet again. …………………… For a while.

Then fate struck me a blow. As if to remind me that my stay in your house was temporary and was never really going to be peaceful, Kamsi – our son, our first fruit, my pride and joy and the child that gave me a place in my husband’s home, began to show signs of slowed development; the visits to the doctors resumed, this time on account of Kamsi.
We started seeing therapists. After we’d been from one doctor to another I decided I had to resort to prayer. I was frightened. I was terrified. I was
threatened. I started to feel unwell. I had difficulty breathing. I needed to see my doctors, Kamsi too. He wasn’t doing too well either. He had difficulty
with his speech. He was slow to comprehend things. I did not know for sure what was wrong with him but I knew all was not well. Not with him and not with me. We
were denied visas to the USA because we had overstayed on our last trip on account of Kamsi’s treatments. So whilst we waited for a lawyer to help us clear
up the immigration issues with America, I applied for a UK visa and sought help in London. But by then, trouble had reared its head at home, again.

Kevin, you had again become very impatient with me. My fears were fully alive again. The battles it seemed I had won were again in full rage. My husband, in your
irritable impatience and anger, you told me to my face that our son, my Kamsi, was worthless to you. You said he was abnormal. You said that our daughter, my
Amanda, was a girl and that you had no need for a girl child because she would someday be married off. I remember, in pain, that you didn’t attend Amanda’s
christening because you were upset with me. You told me your mother was more important to you than “THESE THINGS” I brought to your house. You were referring
to our children, were you not? “THESE THINGS”.

My heart bled. I wept bitterly. Then I quickly calmed my fears by telling myself that you were under a lot of stress at work and that you were also probably reacting to all the money that you had spent on my treatments. Surely, all that was getting to you? Even when you threatened me with a knife, twice you did that, I still felt unworthy of you and very deserving of your hatred. Even when you would say: “I will kill you and nothing will happen because you have no one to fight for you”, I kept on struggling to get you to love me because, Kevin, your validation was important to me

You had refused to give me money for my medical trip to London. I knew then it was because you had your hands full with caring and catering for everybody who was dear to you. Your finances were stretched. I thought then that in time you would come around.

My health continued to get worse. Eventually, I made it to London. After extensive consultations and tests, I was given a definitive diagnosis. My condition was life threatening. It was from this time, when it was clear that I required surgery to save me life that I came face to face with a different kind of war from our home.

Kevin, you stopped speaking with me. I was in pain, in anguish and in tears. I didn’t understand what was happening. I had stayed three weeks in London and Kevin, you never called, sent a text or inquired how I was faring. You stopped taking my calls. Instead I got a call from my cousin in whose care I had left my children. She was frantic with worry because there was no food in the house for the children to eat;
Kevin you had refused to provide food for our children. Kevin, you had also refused to pay for Kamsi’s home schooling.

Then Kevin, I received that e-mail from you. The only communication from you for the entire period I was in London.
Do you remember?
It was an angry email. You berated me for putting your integrity at stake at your work place. Apparently your employers had called a hospital in London to inquire about me and were told that no one by my name was ever their patient. I later found out that you had given the wrong hospital name to your employers. Do you remember, Kevin?

For the first time in my 12 year marriage, the alarm bells in my head began to sound real. For the first time in 12 years, I felt real anger stir up in my heart. Kevin, I was angry because you paid no heed to the hospital where your wife was at in London. You had no clue and cared little about what I was going through. Yet you would
berate me for putting your INTEGRITY at work at stake. Your integrity was your primary concern, not my health.

Then it hit me! All these years I was trying to be all I could be for you, Kevin, to make you happy, to please you, Kevin, ……… you actually hated me. You didn’t want me in your life. The signs were all there. Your family had showed me from day one that they didn’t want me. I was the object of a hatred that I could not explain. I
couldn’t understand why.

Then I saw the hand writing on the wall, all those many things that went on. You even sold my car whilst I was still lying on a hospital bed in London, with no word to me. I was not to learn of what you had done until I returned to Nigeria. The doctors had allowed me to return to prepare for surgery.


Kevin, do you remember that on my return I gave you a pair of shoes I had bought for you? Kevin, my husband, do you remember hurling those shoes at me? Kevin, do you remember me breaking down in tears? Kevin, do you remember me asking you that night, many times over, why you hated me so much, what I had done to make you hate me as much as you did?

“You are disturbing me, and if you continue, I`ll move out and inform the company that I no longer live in the house. Then they will come and drive you away”. Kevin, my husband, that was your response to me. Did you know then I only had days to live?
Is that why you told me that would be the last time I would see you physically? Did you know it would only be a few more hours?

I still had a surgery to go through. Kevin, since you wanted no part in it, I had contacted the medical officer in your company directly for referrals. I left Eket for Lagos on
Saturday. That same day I consulted with the specialist surgeon and surgery was scheduled for Monday morning.

In those final hours, as I prepared for my surgery, I was alone, my spirit was broken. I had lost all the fight in me. Kevin, I knew that nothing I did or said would turn you heart toward me, and I had nobody for whom you had any regards who would speak up for me.

In those final hours, Kevin, I called you. This was Sunday morning, less than 24 hours to my death. Do you remember, Kevin? I called you to share what the specialist surgeon had said. I was still shaking from your screams on the phone when I got in here. You did not want me to bother you, you screamed. I should go to my brothers and sisters, you screamed. I should pay you back all the money you gave me for my treatment in London, you screamed. Kevin, did you know that would be my last conversation with you? My last conversation with you, my husband, my love, my life, ended with you banging the phone on me.

Recalling the abusive words, the spitting, the beating, the bruising, the knifing, and the promise that I would not live long for daring to forget to buy garden eggs for your mother, an insult you vowed I would pay for with my life ……., I knew then it was over for me. There was no rationalizing needed any longer. Even the blind could see ………. You did not want me in your life.

I went in for surgery on Monday morning, February 27, 2012, and after battling for several hours, I yielded my spirit.

Kevin, my husband, I lived my promise to God. The promise I made on the day I wedded you.

For better ………………………… For worse
For richer …………………………. For poorer
In Sickness ………………………. And in health
To love ………………………….. And to cherish

Till DEATH US DO PART!

And it has.

NOW I AM DEAD!!!!!!!

Just as your mum predicted ….. Her cold words follow me to morgue. She swore to me that I would leave her son’s house dead or alive. I couldn’t leave whilst I still breathed. It had to be through death, and death it has become.

Kevin, you are FREE! And, so am I.

Your freedom is temporary. Mine is eternal.

Whilst you still have freedom, remember Kamsi and Chimamanda.


Lovingly yours until death,
Ogo.


I am gone. Gone forever. But if one woman, just one woman will learn from my story, then maybe I would not have gone in vain.

My heart weeps for my children, my mummy, my sisters and my brothers, my extended family. These ones, I was a gift to. These ones, they loved me. These ones, they wanted me. These ones, they needed me. These ones, they wish I had spoken out earlier.

I read this story on linda's blog! It brought me to tears but It also made me very angry and disgusted! Why women stay in such situations is beyond my imagination! NO MAN IS WORTH IT! NO MAN AT ALL! I'll rather be unmarried than be in a miserable marriage all in the name of being married! Please give me a break! This should serve as a lesson to women out there! If your miserable and the person your married too isn't compromising please walk out! IT IS NOT A DO OR DIE AFFAIR! Yes you want to try and work it out but you should know a situation worth fighting for and some situations are not worth it! My happiness and peace of mind comes first!

Chilling, heart-breaking story.

This may have been written by someone very close to Ogo. The person should write an autobiography of this lady's life.
May her soul RIP.
I used to know this Kevin guy back then in University.
WOMEN IN TROUBLED MARRIAGES, PLEASE DO NOT KEEP HOLDING ONTO WHAT WILL KILL YOU.

I am sorry I sound heartless but I feel no pity or tears for her, she wanted to die as a married woman and she did as Mrs. Kevin, she got her wish. She built her life around someone who didn't love or want her, as many Nigerian woman do, stayed praying fasting and killing herself as they will always tell you to do, become a donkey, stay married, Divorce is a sin Never leave ur home for another woman, fight for your marriage, take your mind away from ur husband, concentrate on ur kids, blah blah blah while you die internally. She is dead and as usual the prententious advisers start lamenting and crying, well she fought to the grave for her "home" she wanted to stay and be miserable with someone who didn't love her, if she was alive I would have given her advice and satisfied my conscience, she wanted to die married, let them continue oh, so many like her, they should continue to stay and die, they will come and post the stories here while d man they killed themselves for is getting ready to bring in d babe he has been dating. The kids they claim to stay for now who is there to love and care for them? Insult me, call me names but I don't feel one bit sorry. Marriage is a do or die for Nigerian women, shey she is happy now she died married

I hope those people advocating for no divorce(even when these men are abusive to their wives) on nairaland read this.

staying 4 12 years b4 realizing dat he didnt love her?!!! When an in-law called her ''thing'' and he didnt react?... SMH... I pity women who pass tru situations like dis...

debrief08: I am sorry I sound heartless but I feel no pity or tears for her, she wanted to die as a married woman and she did as Mrs. Kevin, she got her wish. She built her life around someone who didn't love or want her, as many Nigerian woman do, stayed praying fasting and killing herself as they will always tell you to do, become a donkey, stay married, Divorce is a sin Never leave ur home for another woman, fight for your marriage, take your mind away from ur husband, concentrate on ur kids, blah blah blah while you die internally. She is dead and as usual the prententious advisers start lamenting and crying, well she fought to the grave for her "home" she wanted to stay and be miserable with someone who didn't love her, if she was alive I would have given her advice and satisfied my conscience, she wanted to die married, let them continue oh, so many like her, they should continue to stay and die, they will come and post the stories here while d man they killed themselves for is getting ready to bring in d babe he has been dating. The kids they claim to stay for now who is there to love and care for them? Insult me, call me names but I don't feel one bit sorry. Marriage is a do or die for Nigerian women, shey she is happy now she died married

I have followed your own personal stories and you were once in her shoes. You mentioned that you endured lots of beatings and humiliations before you left. If it was as easy as you claim why didn't you leave the 2nd or 3rd time your ex husband beat you up. You said your ex husband once beat you so bad you thought you were going to die but you still stayed, why didn't you leave then? I am not saying that women should tolerate any form of violence, actually the way women in Nigeria tolerate nonsense just to remain married by force is silly and ridiculous. But the issue is, it is not always easy to walk out, you were there and you did not walk out immediately, it took you time and lots of beatings and humiliation before you left even though you had no child. The same reason that made you to stay and not leave after the 2nd or 3rd time of serious belt lashing, beating and humiliation is the same reason why she stayed. In her case she had kids with special attention and needs. I am not saying that what she did was right, but you shouldn't be saying what you said. You were once there and it took you time to walk away. What if you had died or had a permanent disability while you were still hanging in there? Will you appreciate it if some one else writes such about you?

@debrief It is easy to look from the outside and say " Why can't you just leave?! " but, as someone who has seen domestic violence in close friends and family, it is not easy for the woman to leave especially when kids are involved. Especially in Nigeria. In Nigeria, leaving your husband is one of the greatest "sins" and would ostracise many women from friends. Also these women are left with nothing and prefer to work it out in the hope their husband would change.

I hope the government does something soon because the men usually get away with it. Domestic violence happens in the west too but imagine if you had a better choice in the matter. Knowing that even though you leave this abuser, you kids will still go to school, you will get a roof over your head, your government will pay you a small "salary" so you don't go hungry and so on. Imagine that happening in Nigeria, many marriages will end because some women would be liberated and will feel they no longer have to suffer so their kids can have a functional life.

lurkee: @debrief It is easy to look from the outside and say " Why can't you just leave?! " but, as someone who has seen domestic violence in close friends and family, it is not easy for the woman to leave especially when kids are involved. Especially in Nigeria. In Nigeria, leaving your husband is one of the greatest "sins" and would ostracise many women from friends. Also these women are left with nothing and prefer to work it out in the hope their husband would change.

I hope the government does something soon because the men usually get away with it. Domestic violence happens in the west too but imagine if you had a better choice in the matter. Knowing that even though you leave this abuser, you kids will still go to school, you will get a roof over your head, your government will pay you a small "salary" so you don't go hungry and so on. Imagine that happening in Nigeria, many marriages will end because some women would be liberated and will feel they no longer have to suffer so their kids can have a functional life.

Many women remain in such abusive marriages because they actually do not have any place to go to in Nigeria, not because they want to remain with the men. If the broken system is fixed many women will leave knowing that they and their kids will have a normal functioning life as you rightly said.

nakedwire: Chilling, heart-breaking story.

This may have been written by someone very close to Ogo. The person should write an autobiography of this lady's life.
May her soul RIP.
I used to know this Kevin guy back then in University.
WOMEN IN TROUBLED MARRIAGES, PLEASE DO NOT KEEP HOLDING ONTO WHAT WILL KILL YOU.

He is a beast in human form.

hmmmmm, very sad story! bt i think she killd herself....whr were her family wen al diz was happening to her? .......wish she cried out abt her situatn she wd ve bn alive 2day atlist for doz kids, now wht has she gained? she's gone leaving doz lovely kids behind, who may not get d required love n attn frm dia dad........pity!

Yes oh, I stayed because people I looked up too and trusted to advice and have my interest adviced me to stay, change, fast and pray, pastors, elders, people who had long marriages I had less than a year experience when it started, she stayed for 12years of this rubbish, the first day someone else said "leave" that was all I needed, I knew I needed to leave but I needed only one voice to add to my conviction. The problem with most of the women in such situations is that when you tell them to save themselves you become the enemy. The one talking about school fees and where the place a woman will go, oya na let the woman come and pay school fees na? Now where is she living? In a shllow grave.

^^^^
i am really shocked you are speaking this way.Not even one iota of respect or empathy for the dead woman,even though you have been in her shoes.Thank God you were strong enough to leave but are all women like you?? I was very very upset when i read her story as i could not imagine why a person would stay while going through this kind of hell.I normally look to reading your comment because you have been there but this one you wrote is so cold.Very sad.

debrief08: Yes oh, I stayed because people I looked up too and trusted to advice and have my interest adviced me to stay, change, fast and pray, pastors, elders, people who had long marriages I had less than a year experience when it started, she stayed for 12years of this rubbish, the first day someone else said "leave" that was all I needed, I knew I needed to leave but I needed only one voice to add to my conviction. The problem with most of the women in such situations is that when you tell them to save themselves you become the enemy. The one talking about school fees and where the place a woman will go, oya na let the woman come and pay school fees na? Now where is she living? In a shllow grave.

debrief - please as a fellow woman who has endured this I am actually shocked with your responses, you know as well a me that its not as simple as just packing your bags and leaving, we women will make up all manner of excuses to stay but the real issue most times is that you are so beat down mentally you don't even have the mental strength to leave, your self esteem is in the gutter you start telling yourself "you deserve this" no one else will want me (words my ex still tell me till today). Its not easy to leave - its been nearly 2 years since I left my abusive ex and I still have flash backs, I'm still not fully recovered but I have an excellent support system around me and plus i'm in a country that helped with the healing. You think even here in the UK I didn't feel the pressure of the "social stigma" of leaving your husband, so I can only imagine the hell I would be going thru if I had stayed. My dear its not easy to look from the outside and judge this woman, I wish I could adopt these 2 children cos these children will now never know love again.

This man is evil and I know that the God I pray to everyday will deal with this man in a fitting manner. To any woman reading this Ogo's story and is going thru the same thing and wants to leave but doesn't even know where to start or what the future holds, please pray for the strength to do the right thing and just know God will give you that strength to continue.

What good does my emphathy or fake respect do for her? Just pay a visit to the thread on staying with an adulterous man so all screaming never ever leave, stay and fight pray and fast. What do you want me to say? Women have chosen unhappiness , pain and misery because they donnt want to "shame" or they don't want to put in the work in raising well grounded kids as a single parent and this is the result, am not an messenger of doom but we will continue to witness such until we begin to say enough is enough marriage is not a do or die affair. Any woman who chooses to commit suicide by staying with a bad man does not get my sympathy

debrief08: What good does my emphathy or fake respect do for her? Just pay a visit to the thread on staying with an adulterous man so all screaming never ever leave, stay and fight pray and fast. What do you want me to say? Women have chosen unhappiness , pain and misery because they donnt want to "shame" or they don't want to put in the work in raising well grounded kids as a single parent and this is the result, am not an messenger of doom but we will continue to witness such until we begin to say enough is enough marriage is not a do or die affair. Any woman who chooses to commit suicide by staying with a bad man does not get my sympathy

Hey lady, I think your overall message is a positive one. We need to spread the message to women saying it is OK to leave. It will be difficult but at least you will still be breathing and when there is life there is hope. A lot of people don't know that their life can still end up good after leaving someone they have come to depend upon. Like I said, Nigeria's economy and legal system does not help. There is still a lot of work to do...

I can't explain how angry I am now, I believe the inlaws showed her 4rm day1 that they didn't like her, if they did that she shouldn't av entered that marriage. Its too late now , my prayers are with the children. I thank God for internet cos I hear and read so many stories that will eventually help me in my choice 4 a husband. This kevin your days in mobil are numbered, shey its d money eh!!. I'll track your story, may u ner find happiness on this earth. If you were tired of her, you shud have asked for a divorce instead of all the abuse.
May God provide for Ogo's children.

We women need to start getting more independent, I'm sure if she had her own money she wouldn't have spent 12 years in this marriage.I know a woman whose husband after being caught cheating threw her out on the grounds that she was questioning his affairs after 25 years of marriage. She left her home with only the clothes she had on her back,her husband said he bought everything she had and he was taking it back.she was heart broken and became very sick almost dies last time I heard.

Thank you, we spend so much time sympatising and shedding tears after spilled milk and yet find it hard to say simple truths. 90% of Nigerian women will stay in abusive marriages and unhappy ones, its a choice they make and we see it clearly killing them and if they decide to stay for the 1001 excuses they readily give then you won't find me crying and saying RIP, same group of people who will tell her "don't ever think of leaving and who become her best friends because she doesn't want to live a comfortable life and do the hard work and build a happy life. I am sorry I am really upset, really upset but I am tired of all these stories, call me cold but the woman wasted what could have been a happy and productive life on being a "mrs" and dying as one, this is what she wanted "till death do them part" forgive me for sounding harsh if you can but I will not play around sentiments with this issue

I still believe that if we had a suitable support network for women that it would be easier for them to leave. I was lucky as I have dual nationality, so was able to leave and go far away from pastors and family members advising me to stay and endure. You think its easy, debrief its not and the main issue is self sufficiency and self esteem, if you don't have either of these most women will remain.

This story is very sad and I hope I really do hope that more and more women will read these stories and make the right choices for themselves and their children.

dalaman:

I have followed your own personal stories and you were once in her shoes. You mentioned that you endured lots of beatings and humiliations before you left. If it was as easy as you claim why didn't you leave the 2nd or 3rd time your ex husband beat you up. You said your ex husband once beat you so bad you thought you were going to die but you still stayed, why didn't you leave then? I am not saying that women should tolerate any form of violence, actually the way women in Nigeria tolerate nonsense just to remain married by force is silly and ridiculous. But the issue is, it is not always easy to walk out, you were there and you did not walk out immediately, it took you time and lots of beatings and humiliation before you left even though you had no child. The same reason that made you to stay and not leave after the 2nd or 3rd time of serious belt lashing, beating and humiliation is the same reason why she stayed. In her case she had kids with special attention and needs. I am not saying that what she did was right, but you shouldn't be saying what you said. You were once there and it took you time to walk away. What if you had died or had a permanent disability while you were still hanging in there? Will you appreciate it if some one else writes such about you?

hmmm . . . Word.

I am sure debrief didnt mean it dat way. She must still be hurt from d experience.

cotton101: I still believe that if we had a suitable support network for women that it would be easier for them to leave. I was lucky as I have dual nationality, so was able to leave and go far away from pastors and family members advising me to stay and endure. You think its easy, debrief its not and the main issue is self sufficiency and self esteem, if you don't have either of these most women will remain.

This story is very sad and I hope I really do hope that more and more women will read these stories and make the right choices for themselves and their children.

I agree totally with you.these woman suffer from psychological trauma that causes them to identify positively with their abuser- see battered person syndrome and even stockholm syndrome.Add that to Naija mentality.The ones that leave mostly have some form of family support,encouraging,urging and even forcing them to leave.Unfortunately,those that don't have this backbone stay and suffer then die as in this case.
I feel that if people realise that these abused women have been damaged psychologically,more force and pressure could be applied esp from family members.After all if a persons brother is roaming around naked,would the person go and discuss treatment with the mentally unstable guy?NO.na by force.I know this my idea is far fetched and almost impossible but if it's my sister,i would forcefully remove you from harms way.
I am so scared for the children.Who will care for them now she is gone?I feel so much pity for her but a bit aggravated that she has left them to an even worse fate with a wicked father.

RIP Ogo..

Same goes to abused men though they would rather die than speak up

BATTERED PERSON'S SYNDROME ETIOLOGY

The syndrome develops in response to a three-stage cycle found in domestic violence situations. First, tension builds in the relationship. Second, the abusive partner releases tension via violence while blaming the victim for having caused the violence. Third, the violent partner makes gestures of contrition. However, the partner does not find solutions to avoid another phase of tension building and release so the cycle repeats. The repetition of the violence despite the abuser's attempts to "make nice" results in the abused partner feeling at fault for not preventing a repeat cycle of violence. However, since the victim is not at fault and the violence is internally driven by the abuser's need to control, this self-blame results in feelings of helplessness rather than empowerment. The feeling of being both responsible for and helpless to stop the violence leads in turn to depression and passivity. This learned depression and passivity makes it difficult for the abused partner to marshal the resources and support system needed to leave.
Feelings of depression and passivity may also be created by lack of social support outside of the abusive situation. Research in the 1980s by Gondolf and Fisher found that women in abusive situations increase help-seeking behavior as violence intensifies. However, their attempts at seeking help are often frustrated by unresponsive extended family and social services

SYMPTOMS
When Battered Person Syndrome (BPS) manifests as PTSD, it consists of the following symptoms: (a) re-experiencing the battering as if it were reoccurring even when it is not, (b) attempts to avoid the psychological impact of battering by avoiding activities, people, and emotions, (c) hyperarousal or hypervigilance, (d) disrupted interpersonal relationships, (e) body image distortion or other somatic concerns, and (f) sexuality and intimacy issues.[5]
Additionally, repeated cycles of violence and reconciliation can result in the following beliefs and attitudes:[6]
The abused believes that the violence was his or her fault.
The abused has an inability to place the responsibility for the violence elsewhere.
The abused fears for his/her life and/or the lives of his/her children (if present).
The abused has an irrational belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient.

This is normally used as legal defense when these women/men finally up and kill the abuser..

I think like some other ladies, more and more of us have to say, IT IS OK TO LEAVE. Yes, Divorce is an option.

http://www.mynewhitmanwrites.com/2012/03/can-we-please-accept-that-divorce-is.html

Abeg you people should leave debrief alone. Which kain woman will endure this type of rubbish from a man and his family and not end up in the grave? Who knows why she did not conceive for the first 7 yrs? Could it be God sending her a message which she refused to listen to? Haba. I am sure debrief would not be stooopid enough to stay for 12 whole years and yes she didn't leave when her ex first hit her because she was told to endure and she wanted it to work, but it did not take her 12 yrs to realize that she had to walk.

Haba, go to the adulterous thread and see fellow abused women and some men even, telling women to endure and try to focus on their kids. Tufiakwa. Women ooooooooo telling their fellow women to sit tight and endure the abuse

Where are all those people telling women to endure in abusive relationship? Where are those men that say divorce is not an option? Where are they? Anu ofias

I will never enndure physical abuse from any man. Pshychological abuse sef fit make pesin run mad. Women are truly suffering.

D wan wey u fit endure, endure. But once its getting outta hand, abeg run go meet your parents.

Well this is a sad sad story, this story will touch many people, to leave while they still can.

its hard to leave - its easy for us to sit here and say women should not put up with this but you would be shocked to know that women who experience domestic violence and not just those who are financially dependent on the man - hell my ex once slapped me cos I refused to bring money to feed both us both and another cos I didn't give him the password to my laptop quick enough - apparently I was displaying a rude and nasty attitude by not answering quick enough.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220041

trust me before a man gets to the point of hitting/beating he has worked on you mentally that the first slap is just a continuation of what has come before

She has sent herself to the grave. Wetin remain again? No one is talking about financial dependency here. It does not matter how financially independent or dependent the woman is, get out of an abusive relationship before abuse lands you in the grave. In this case it is no easier did than done. No body wants to be hit or used as a thrash can, no one wants any mental or emotional abuse. Get away and add some self worth to your life. Eve was brought to Adam not to be panel beated but to be loved, to be a companion, to be the weaker vessel that needs to be taken care of and protected, Any woman that represents less is a disgrace to the entire womanhood and I mean this from the bottom of my heart

If it is Sympathy she needs she will get loads of it from the same people who adviced her continually to "endure" i am tired of cryong and sympatising with women who keep staying in hurtful situations and cut thier lives short. They say only death can break their homes well they have thier wish, what am I suposed to say "ah so sad, Ogo rest in peace"? Is that what will make me a sympathetic woman?
Hate me today or tell yourself the truth and take control of your life, simple, death is inevitable but not this kind of death abeg, I am not joining the pity party today.
Cotton there are a million and one excuses I know cos i gave those excuses myself but i have heard enough of it, if any woman chooses to keep giving excuses and stay and die she doesnt get my sympathy, yes even if i had died in that situation I will expect that others will learn from my experience and nnot give fake sympathy and continue telling others to "say and endure" Titilayo was killed we screamed insulted the husband cursed, yet the same people who called him a beast will still come and advice an abused woman to stay and pray and fast. When is it going to be enough? How many more dead spouses do we need before we begin to tell women and men that marriage is not do or die, you will help your kids better by raising them in a violence free environment. How many more women and men have to die from abusive marriages before we wake up to that reality?

debrief has every right to be angry jare.ah ahn.I am so angry with the situation, but angrier that the lady didnt love herself enough.How can one constantly be trying to seek approval from other human beings...see the end result

Ahhh. this story is so sad. It has given me a new empathy for abused women. My aunty (dad's sister) used 2 be abused n beaten in her marriage though she had an acerbic tongue. When she finally left her husband after a very serious beating, people were still telling her to return 2 d man. Her kids are same age as my siblings n I and the eldest had finished uni at that time yet people kept saying she shld stay for the kids. Her husband had not worked in 15yrs prior to this and it was her catering business that sustained the family.
This is almost 8 yrs after she left and people are still saying she shld reconcile with him esp her kids. I won't lie, I was also saying same cos 8yrs is enough 2 forget the horror of that beating but now I know better. God please forgive me and my family if we ever made her feel like less of a person for being separated. Grant such women the strength they need to move on and to overcome all obstacles.