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Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by lurkee(f): 11:14pm On Mar 24, 2012 |
Hey Guys, I rarely post here and just read but once in a while, if I read something that touches me then I try to share. Please read this story of a woman who lost her life too early. Here is the source Ogo's Story My mum is crying. I can see her from here. She has aged since the last time I saw her. 2 Likes |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by ThoniaSlim(f): 5:26am On Mar 25, 2012 |
I read this story on linda's blog! It brought me to tears but It also made me very angry and disgusted! Why women stay in such situations is beyond my imagination! NO MAN IS WORTH IT! NO MAN AT ALL! I'll rather be unmarried than be in a miserable marriage all in the name of being married! Please give me a break! This should serve as a lesson to women out there! If your miserable and the person your married too isn't compromising please walk out! IT IS NOT A DO OR DIE AFFAIR! Yes you want to try and work it out but you should know a situation worth fighting for and some situations are not worth it! My happiness and peace of mind comes first! 2 Likes |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by member67023: 10:05am On Mar 25, 2012 |
Chilling, heart-breaking story. This may have been written by someone very close to Ogo. The person should write an autobiography of this lady's life. May her soul RIP. I used to know this Kevin guy back then in University. WOMEN IN TROUBLED MARRIAGES, PLEASE DO NOT KEEP HOLDING ONTO WHAT WILL KILL YOU. |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by Nobody: 11:54am On Mar 25, 2012 |
I am sorry I sound heartless but I feel no pity or tears for her, she wanted to die as a married woman and she did as Mrs. Kevin, she got her wish. She built her life around someone who didn't love or want her, as many Nigerian woman do, stayed praying fasting and killing herself as they will always tell you to do, become a donkey, stay married, Divorce is a sin Never leave ur home for another woman, fight for your marriage, take your mind away from ur husband, concentrate on ur kids, blah blah blah while you die internally. She is dead and as usual the prententious advisers start lamenting and crying, well she fought to the grave for her "home" she wanted to stay and be miserable with someone who didn't love her, if she was alive I would have given her advice and satisfied my conscience, she wanted to die married, let them continue oh, so many like her, they should continue to stay and die, they will come and post the stories here while d man they killed themselves for is getting ready to bring in d babe he has been dating. The kids they claim to stay for now who is there to love and care for them? Insult me, call me names but I don't feel one bit sorry. Marriage is a do or die for Nigerian women, shey she is happy now she died married 2 Likes |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by Nobody: 12:12pm On Mar 25, 2012 |
I hope those people advocating for no divorce(even when these men are abusive to their wives) on nairaland read this. |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by sirenoch1(m): 1:20pm On Mar 25, 2012 |
staying 4 12 years b4 realizing dat he didnt love her?!!! When an in-law called her ''thing'' and he didnt react?... SMH... I pity women who pass tru situations like dis... |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by dalaman: 4:48pm On Mar 25, 2012 |
debrief08: I am sorry I sound heartless but I feel no pity or tears for her, she wanted to die as a married woman and she did as Mrs. Kevin, she got her wish. She built her life around someone who didn't love or want her, as many Nigerian woman do, stayed praying fasting and killing herself as they will always tell you to do, become a donkey, stay married, Divorce is a sin Never leave ur home for another woman, fight for your marriage, take your mind away from ur husband, concentrate on ur kids, blah blah blah while you die internally. She is dead and as usual the prententious advisers start lamenting and crying, well she fought to the grave for her "home" she wanted to stay and be miserable with someone who didn't love her, if she was alive I would have given her advice and satisfied my conscience, she wanted to die married, let them continue oh, so many like her, they should continue to stay and die, they will come and post the stories here while d man they killed themselves for is getting ready to bring in d babe he has been dating. The kids they claim to stay for now who is there to love and care for them? Insult me, call me names but I don't feel one bit sorry. Marriage is a do or die for Nigerian women, shey she is happy now she died married I have followed your own personal stories and you were once in her shoes. You mentioned that you endured lots of beatings and humiliations before you left. If it was as easy as you claim why didn't you leave the 2nd or 3rd time your ex husband beat you up. You said your ex husband once beat you so bad you thought you were going to die but you still stayed, why didn't you leave then? I am not saying that women should tolerate any form of violence, actually the way women in Nigeria tolerate nonsense just to remain married by force is silly and ridiculous. But the issue is, it is not always easy to walk out, you were there and you did not walk out immediately, it took you time and lots of beatings and humiliation before you left even though you had no child. The same reason that made you to stay and not leave after the 2nd or 3rd time of serious belt lashing, beating and humiliation is the same reason why she stayed. In her case she had kids with special attention and needs. I am not saying that what she did was right, but you shouldn't be saying what you said. You were once there and it took you time to walk away. What if you had died or had a permanent disability while you were still hanging in there? Will you appreciate it if some one else writes such about you? 4 Likes |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by lurkee(f): 5:05pm On Mar 25, 2012 |
@debrief It is easy to look from the outside and say " Why can't you just leave?! " but, as someone who has seen domestic violence in close friends and family, it is not easy for the woman to leave especially when kids are involved. Especially in Nigeria. In Nigeria, leaving your husband is one of the greatest "sins" and would ostracise many women from friends. Also these women are left with nothing and prefer to work it out in the hope their husband would change. I hope the government does something soon because the men usually get away with it. Domestic violence happens in the west too but imagine if you had a better choice in the matter. Knowing that even though you leave this abuser, you kids will still go to school, you will get a roof over your head, your government will pay you a small "salary" so you don't go hungry and so on. Imagine that happening in Nigeria, many marriages will end because some women would be liberated and will feel they no longer have to suffer so their kids can have a functional life. |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by dalaman: 5:19pm On Mar 25, 2012 |
lurkee: @debrief It is easy to look from the outside and say " Why can't you just leave?! " but, as someone who has seen domestic violence in close friends and family, it is not easy for the woman to leave especially when kids are involved. Especially in Nigeria. In Nigeria, leaving your husband is one of the greatest "sins" and would ostracise many women from friends. Also these women are left with nothing and prefer to work it out in the hope their husband would change. Many women remain in such abusive marriages because they actually do not have any place to go to in Nigeria, not because they want to remain with the men. If the broken system is fixed many women will leave knowing that they and their kids will have a normal functioning life as you rightly said. |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by Nobody: 5:23pm On Mar 25, 2012 |
nakedwire: Chilling, heart-breaking story.He is a beast in human form. |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by Nobody: 5:31pm On Mar 25, 2012 |
hmmmmm, very sad story! bt i think she killd herself....whr were her family wen al diz was happening to her? .......wish she cried out abt her situatn she wd ve bn alive 2day atlist for doz kids, now wht has she gained? she's gone leaving doz lovely kids behind, who may not get d required love n attn frm dia dad........pity! |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by Nobody: 6:15pm On Mar 25, 2012 |
Yes oh, I stayed because people I looked up too and trusted to advice and have my interest adviced me to stay, change, fast and pray, pastors, elders, people who had long marriages I had less than a year experience when it started, she stayed for 12years of this rubbish, the first day someone else said "leave" that was all I needed, I knew I needed to leave but I needed only one voice to add to my conviction. The problem with most of the women in such situations is that when you tell them to save themselves you become the enemy. The one talking about school fees and where the place a woman will go, oya na let the woman come and pay school fees na? Now where is she living? In a shllow grave. |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by ibobabe(f): 6:22pm On Mar 25, 2012 |
^^^^ i am really shocked you are speaking this way.Not even one iota of respect or empathy for the dead woman,even though you have been in her shoes.Thank God you were strong enough to leave but are all women like you?? I was very very upset when i read her story as i could not imagine why a person would stay while going through this kind of hell.I normally look to reading your comment because you have been there but this one you wrote is so cold.Very sad. 4 Likes |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by Nobody: 6:39pm On Mar 25, 2012 |
debrief08: Yes oh, I stayed because people I looked up too and trusted to advice and have my interest adviced me to stay, change, fast and pray, pastors, elders, people who had long marriages I had less than a year experience when it started, she stayed for 12years of this rubbish, the first day someone else said "leave" that was all I needed, I knew I needed to leave but I needed only one voice to add to my conviction. The problem with most of the women in such situations is that when you tell them to save themselves you become the enemy. The one talking about school fees and where the place a woman will go, oya na let the woman come and pay school fees na? Now where is she living? In a shllow grave. debrief - please as a fellow woman who has endured this I am actually shocked with your responses, you know as well a me that its not as simple as just packing your bags and leaving, we women will make up all manner of excuses to stay but the real issue most times is that you are so beat down mentally you don't even have the mental strength to leave, your self esteem is in the gutter you start telling yourself "you deserve this" no one else will want me (words my ex still tell me till today). Its not easy to leave - its been nearly 2 years since I left my abusive ex and I still have flash backs, I'm still not fully recovered but I have an excellent support system around me and plus i'm in a country that helped with the healing. You think even here in the UK I didn't feel the pressure of the "social stigma" of leaving your husband, so I can only imagine the hell I would be going thru if I had stayed. My dear its not easy to look from the outside and judge this woman, I wish I could adopt these 2 children cos these children will now never know love again. This man is evil and I know that the God I pray to everyday will deal with this man in a fitting manner. To any woman reading this Ogo's story and is going thru the same thing and wants to leave but doesn't even know where to start or what the future holds, please pray for the strength to do the right thing and just know God will give you that strength to continue. 5 Likes |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by Nobody: 6:58pm On Mar 25, 2012 |
What good does my emphathy or fake respect do for her? Just pay a visit to the thread on staying with an adulterous man so all screaming never ever leave, stay and fight pray and fast. What do you want me to say? Women have chosen unhappiness , pain and misery because they donnt want to "shame" or they don't want to put in the work in raising well grounded kids as a single parent and this is the result, am not an messenger of doom but we will continue to witness such until we begin to say enough is enough marriage is not a do or die affair. Any woman who chooses to commit suicide by staying with a bad man does not get my sympathy |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by lurkee(f): 7:02pm On Mar 25, 2012 |
debrief08: What good does my emphathy or fake respect do for her? Just pay a visit to the thread on staying with an adulterous man so all screaming never ever leave, stay and fight pray and fast. What do you want me to say? Women have chosen unhappiness , pain and misery because they donnt want to "shame" or they don't want to put in the work in raising well grounded kids as a single parent and this is the result, am not an messenger of doom but we will continue to witness such until we begin to say enough is enough marriage is not a do or die affair. Any woman who chooses to commit suicide by staying with a bad man does not get my sympathy Hey lady, I think your overall message is a positive one. We need to spread the message to women saying it is OK to leave. It will be difficult but at least you will still be breathing and when there is life there is hope. A lot of people don't know that their life can still end up good after leaving someone they have come to depend upon. Like I said, Nigeria's economy and legal system does not help. There is still a lot of work to do... |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by Nobody: 7:17pm On Mar 25, 2012 |
I can't explain how angry I am now, I believe the inlaws showed her 4rm day1 that they didn't like her, if they did that she shouldn't av entered that marriage. Its too late now , my prayers are with the children. I thank God for internet cos I hear and read so many stories that will eventually help me in my choice 4 a husband. This kevin your days in mobil are numbered, shey its d money eh!!. I'll track your story, may u ner find happiness on this earth. If you were tired of her, you shud have asked for a divorce instead of all the abuse. May God provide for Ogo's children. We women need to start getting more independent, I'm sure if she had her own money she wouldn't have spent 12 years in this marriage.I know a woman whose husband after being caught cheating threw her out on the grounds that she was questioning his affairs after 25 years of marriage. She left her home with only the clothes she had on her back,her husband said he bought everything she had and he was taking it back.she was heart broken and became very sick almost dies last time I heard. 1 Like |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by Nobody: 7:17pm On Mar 25, 2012 |
Thank you, we spend so much time sympatising and shedding tears after spilled milk and yet find it hard to say simple truths. 90% of Nigerian women will stay in abusive marriages and unhappy ones, its a choice they make and we see it clearly killing them and if they decide to stay for the 1001 excuses they readily give then you won't find me crying and saying RIP, same group of people who will tell her "don't ever think of leaving and who become her best friends because she doesn't want to live a comfortable life and do the hard work and build a happy life. I am sorry I am really upset, really upset but I am tired of all these stories, call me cold but the woman wasted what could have been a happy and productive life on being a "mrs" and dying as one, this is what she wanted "till death do them part" forgive me for sounding harsh if you can but I will not play around sentiments with this issue |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by Nobody: 7:35pm On Mar 25, 2012 |
I still believe that if we had a suitable support network for women that it would be easier for them to leave. I was lucky as I have dual nationality, so was able to leave and go far away from pastors and family members advising me to stay and endure. You think its easy, debrief its not and the main issue is self sufficiency and self esteem, if you don't have either of these most women will remain. This story is very sad and I hope I really do hope that more and more women will read these stories and make the right choices for themselves and their children. |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by Tgirl4real(f): 7:35pm On Mar 25, 2012 |
dalaman: hmmm . . . Word. I am sure debrief didnt mean it dat way. She must still be hurt from d experience. |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by ibobabe(f): 8:05pm On Mar 25, 2012 |
cotton101: I still believe that if we had a suitable support network for women that it would be easier for them to leave. I was lucky as I have dual nationality, so was able to leave and go far away from pastors and family members advising me to stay and endure. You think its easy, debrief its not and the main issue is self sufficiency and self esteem, if you don't have either of these most women will remain. I agree totally with you.these woman suffer from psychological trauma that causes them to identify positively with their abuser- see battered person syndrome and even stockholm syndrome.Add that to Naija mentality.The ones that leave mostly have some form of family support,encouraging,urging and even forcing them to leave.Unfortunately,those that don't have this backbone stay and suffer then die as in this case. I feel that if people realise that these abused women have been damaged psychologically,more force and pressure could be applied esp from family members.After all if a persons brother is roaming around naked,would the person go and discuss treatment with the mentally unstable guy?NO.na by force.I know this my idea is far fetched and almost impossible but if it's my sister,i would forcefully remove you from harms way. I am so scared for the children.Who will care for them now she is gone?I feel so much pity for her but a bit aggravated that she has left them to an even worse fate with a wicked father. RIP Ogo.. Same goes to abused men though they would rather die than speak up |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by ibobabe(f): 8:11pm On Mar 25, 2012 |
BATTERED PERSON'S SYNDROME ETIOLOGY The syndrome develops in response to a three-stage cycle found in domestic violence situations. First, tension builds in the relationship. Second, the abusive partner releases tension via violence while blaming the victim for having caused the violence. Third, the violent partner makes gestures of contrition. However, the partner does not find solutions to avoid another phase of tension building and release so the cycle repeats. The repetition of the violence despite the abuser's attempts to "make nice" results in the abused partner feeling at fault for not preventing a repeat cycle of violence. However, since the victim is not at fault and the violence is internally driven by the abuser's need to control, this self-blame results in feelings of helplessness rather than empowerment. The feeling of being both responsible for and helpless to stop the violence leads in turn to depression and passivity. This learned depression and passivity makes it difficult for the abused partner to marshal the resources and support system needed to leave. Feelings of depression and passivity may also be created by lack of social support outside of the abusive situation. Research in the 1980s by Gondolf and Fisher found that women in abusive situations increase help-seeking behavior as violence intensifies. However, their attempts at seeking help are often frustrated by unresponsive extended family and social services SYMPTOMS When Battered Person Syndrome (BPS) manifests as PTSD, it consists of the following symptoms: (a) re-experiencing the battering as if it were reoccurring even when it is not, (b) attempts to avoid the psychological impact of battering by avoiding activities, people, and emotions, (c) hyperarousal or hypervigilance, (d) disrupted interpersonal relationships, (e) body image distortion or other somatic concerns, and (f) sexuality and intimacy issues.[5] Additionally, repeated cycles of violence and reconciliation can result in the following beliefs and attitudes:[6] The abused believes that the violence was his or her fault. The abused has an inability to place the responsibility for the violence elsewhere. The abused fears for his/her life and/or the lives of his/her children (if present). The abused has an irrational belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient. This is normally used as legal defense when these women/men finally up and kill the abuser.. |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by MyneWhite1(f): 9:39pm On Mar 25, 2012 |
I think like some other ladies, more and more of us have to say, IT IS OK TO LEAVE. Yes, Divorce is an option. http://www.mynewhitmanwrites.com/2012/03/can-we-please-accept-that-divorce-is.html 3 Likes |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by Nobody: 11:35pm On Mar 25, 2012 |
Abeg you people should leave debrief alone. Which kain woman will endure this type of rubbish from a man and his family and not end up in the grave? Who knows why she did not conceive for the first 7 yrs? Could it be God sending her a message which she refused to listen to? Haba. I am sure debrief would not be stooopid enough to stay for 12 whole years and yes she didn't leave when her ex first hit her because she was told to endure and she wanted it to work, but it did not take her 12 yrs to realize that she had to walk. Haba, go to the adulterous thread and see fellow abused women and some men even, telling women to endure and try to focus on their kids. Tufiakwa. Women ooooooooo telling their fellow women to sit tight and endure the abuse 1 Like |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by Nobody: 11:42pm On Mar 25, 2012 |
Where are all those people telling women to endure in abusive relationship? Where are those men that say divorce is not an option? Where are they? Anu ofias |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by Tgirl4real(f): 12:05am On Mar 26, 2012 |
I will never enndure physical abuse from any man. Pshychological abuse sef fit make pesin run mad. Women are truly suffering. D wan wey u fit endure, endure. But once its getting outta hand, abeg run go meet your parents. 2 Likes |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by agiboma(f): 12:13am On Mar 26, 2012 |
Well this is a sad sad story, this story will touch many people, to leave while they still can. 1 Like |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by Nobody: 12:24am On Mar 26, 2012 |
its hard to leave - its easy for us to sit here and say women should not put up with this but you would be shocked to know that women who experience domestic violence and not just those who are financially dependent on the man - hell my ex once slapped me cos I refused to bring money to feed both us both and another cos I didn't give him the password to my laptop quick enough - apparently I was displaying a rude and nasty attitude by not answering quick enough. http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220041 trust me before a man gets to the point of hitting/beating he has worked on you mentally that the first slap is just a continuation of what has come before 1 Like |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by Nobody: 1:28am On Mar 26, 2012 |
She has sent herself to the grave. Wetin remain again? No one is talking about financial dependency here. It does not matter how financially independent or dependent the woman is, get out of an abusive relationship before abuse lands you in the grave. In this case it is no easier did than done. No body wants to be hit or used as a thrash can, no one wants any mental or emotional abuse. Get away and add some self worth to your life. Eve was brought to Adam not to be panel beated but to be loved, to be a companion, to be the weaker vessel that needs to be taken care of and protected, Any woman that represents less is a disgrace to the entire womanhood and I mean this from the bottom of my heart 2 Likes |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by Nobody: 9:01am On Mar 26, 2012 |
If it is Sympathy she needs she will get loads of it from the same people who adviced her continually to "endure" i am tired of cryong and sympatising with women who keep staying in hurtful situations and cut thier lives short. They say only death can break their homes well they have thier wish, what am I suposed to say "ah so sad, Ogo rest in peace"? Is that what will make me a sympathetic woman? Hate me today or tell yourself the truth and take control of your life, simple, death is inevitable but not this kind of death abeg, I am not joining the pity party today. Cotton there are a million and one excuses I know cos i gave those excuses myself but i have heard enough of it, if any woman chooses to keep giving excuses and stay and die she doesnt get my sympathy, yes even if i had died in that situation I will expect that others will learn from my experience and nnot give fake sympathy and continue telling others to "say and endure" Titilayo was killed we screamed insulted the husband cursed, yet the same people who called him a beast will still come and advice an abused woman to stay and pray and fast. When is it going to be enough? How many more dead spouses do we need before we begin to tell women and men that marriage is not do or die, you will help your kids better by raising them in a violence free environment. How many more women and men have to die from abusive marriages before we wake up to that reality? |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by shushu(f): 9:37am On Mar 26, 2012 |
debrief has every right to be angry jare.ah ahn.I am so angry with the situation, but angrier that the lady didnt love herself enough.How can one constantly be trying to seek approval from other human beings...see the end result 1 Like |
Re: Cry From The Grave - Ogo's Story by blank(f): 9:41am On Mar 26, 2012 |
Ahhh. this story is so sad. It has given me a new empathy for abused women. My aunty (dad's sister) used 2 be abused n beaten in her marriage though she had an acerbic tongue. When she finally left her husband after a very serious beating, people were still telling her to return 2 d man. Her kids are same age as my siblings n I and the eldest had finished uni at that time yet people kept saying she shld stay for the kids. Her husband had not worked in 15yrs prior to this and it was her catering business that sustained the family. This is almost 8 yrs after she left and people are still saying she shld reconcile with him esp her kids. I won't lie, I was also saying same cos 8yrs is enough 2 forget the horror of that beating but now I know better. God please forgive me and my family if we ever made her feel like less of a person for being separated. Grant such women the strength they need to move on and to overcome all obstacles. 4 Likes |
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