₦airaland Forum

I saw the pix on facebook and was shocked at the senselessness of the Jona camp for such audacious banners. The gals in question have not been found, the phrase "bring back ...." Was coined for them and the clueless presido with his clueless aids had d shamelessness to use it for campaign.


Shame on any Nigeria who votes back this senseless man to power

SMALLPENIS: except that of the swiss cheese, and I didn't even laugh out, I just smiled.

U don dey confess small small

SMALLPENIS: remember what she said; a joke which is funny verbally may not be funny in an email (written form) , so you see.

yeah she sure said that. But do u mean to tell me none of the over forty Joan's funniest lines above is funny to u? Not even one? .........

20pounds: Mikel is hurting our economy and our girls at the same time! He would have helped the labour market by dating at least 20 Nigerian side chics. How can he be making all that money and not help our girls? What happened to 'giving back to the society that made you'? It is our girls right to be jealous cos Mikel is a big fish that has refused to show up during a fishing expedition.


Naija babes, wherever you people go(whether babalawo or white garment churches) to 'tie' and confuse sugar daddies, making them abandon their families and buy you the latest phones with monies meant for their children's school fees, it is high time you people visit there again for Mikel.


Osaze is gone, Victor Moses too, Obafemi Martins, Sunday Oliseh, Tijani Babangida, etc etc. Haba! What happened to local content na? We need a legislation on this. Imagine if 2face didn't marry Ann; wetin she for do with her acting that is below average? Or Tiwa Savage didn't marry Tee Bee(abi kini ko); dude for no see money wear designer outfits and form 'Double ol' G'. May be, Don Jazzy for dey tell am;

"Tee Bee, bring my walking stick for me"

"Tee Bee, wash the Range, we are going out in it today

Gosh! U just made my day lmao

SMALLPENIS: I love fashion police and her funny comments on the show,but OP...
I no dey laff

hahahahahaha if u love fashion police and her funny comments and I post some of her funny comments y are u not

Abi na wetin u dey see wen watching d show and not what she says that is making u to laugh?

Are people really taking this poster serious and giving her advice? una no get work

Lordseadog: Scot has never been a cultist and by the way, the lady that was shot wasn't the would be Wifey. Report what you know. A fine gentleman lost his life, do you know how successful that guy is, architect and civil eng. men that are serious in sch reading above stated courses have no time for cultism.
Adieu One and only Scot.
Our hrt bleeds

U are very naive if this is d reason why u think he is not a cultist.

Sparrow13: Op

It is not my fault that u don't understand her jokes because it is not akpors pidgin english jokes

tunshe: Yeah! she's a Muslim and so proud of it.

She showed it to the world by prostrating to her Lord in gratitude after scoring and exhibited religious tolerance by joining her team mates to shout halleluya after qualifying for the finals.

Why do you think a Muslim girl will not play football?

Because footballers are scantily dressed with hair open and that isn't islamical.

datguru: I'm fine bro. I've not been seeing you around lately. That is eagles for you . We should be used to that

yeah. I've been a bit busy ni. perhaps we should share contact to keep in touch.

tunshe: Lol! Please believe it

see her father beeming with pride. So she is a Muslim? Wonderful! I never would have thought a Muslim gal will play football

ok

datguru: Guy how far na

I gentle o. Na jus provocation dey worry me over our crappy display. How have u been?

shut up ur mouth there Mr Keshi. As they say: pride goeth before a fall. U were busy forming king Kong warrior, feeling like the best thing to have happened to Nigeria since the discovery of internet, quarrelling and beefing ur players, holding Nigeria to Ransome over ur silly signature for ur crappy lousy coaching.


since when Nigeria couldn't muster a single attempt in several set piece in the world cup na im I don know say u no get any tactical sense. football is far above getting foreign players, lacing boots and playing. Congo won based on their technical know out while u were busy training ur players for monkey post football

That is one bery fantastic female footballer. I see her going to places.


But make she de careful with lagosians o before them way lay her house to steal the golden boot and mvp award.

That is one very fantastic female footballer. I see her going to places.


But make she de careful with lagosians o before them way lay her house to steal the golden boot and mvp award.

Gosh! This commentary sucks big time. Make I play music jare.

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio”


"I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked"


“If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly”


"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'The man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds"


"I don't exercise. If God wanted us to bend over, he'd put diamonds on the floor"


“At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass”


“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on”


“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police”


“All babies look like Renee Zellweger pushed against a glass window”


“Joan Collins told a reporter that she hadn’t had plastic surgery; come on… she’s had more tucks than a motel bed sheet”


“She’s so fat, she’s my two best friends”


“Boy George is all England needs – another queenwho can’t dress”


“My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, 'Pick up, I know you’re there'”


"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware"


"I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house and she said, 'Get the hell off my property'"


"My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus — that way, I'd visit him every day"


"Before we make love, my husband takes a
painkiller"


"I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry"


"My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it is missing and what's there stinks"


"My sex life is so bad, my center of gravity has been
declared a historical landmark"


"I said to my husband, 'My boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything'"


"Looking fifty is great – if you're sixty"


"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television"


"No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card"



Hahahahahahaahahahhahahahahahaha
Joan....I a huge fan. Surely will miss her

On Angelina Jolie’s “leg bomb” at the 2013
Oscars: "Everyone took her to task with that photograph with the leg out, but to me it looked as if she had a terrible yeast infection and she was trying to air it out. It was hilarious!"


On Justin Bieber’s attire: "Someone needs to sit him down and say, 'You are not a big black thug.'"


On Rihanna’s #FreePalestine controversial
tweet: "Rihanna, who is beautiful but is not the brightest bulb in the lamp, they see pictures of children and they go crazy. I think Israel should start showing pictures of dead puppies, and you'll
see these girls turn right around."


On Lady Gaga’s purple fur gown: Rivers told
her fellow Fashion Police host Kelly
Osbourne: "Look away, Kelly, I don't want you to
have to see this. So many of your people must
have died to make that dress!"


On Kate Winslet’s golden flower fascinator:
"The nice thing about this hat is that it covers up
the head wound that made her think it was a good
idea to wear it in the first place."


On Nicole Kidman youthful face: "And she does
remind me of Audrey Hepburn in one way. Neither
one of their faces has moved since the Nineties."


On Rihanna’s gothic-chic look at the 2014
iHeartRadio Music Awards: “I have not seen
lips this green since Miss Piggy got out of the
back seat of Kermit’s car.”


On Natalie Portman at the premier of Black
Swan: “I don’t like she’s carrying a book… It says
‘this movie sucks, it’s so boring I’m going to read
through it’”.


On Madonna’s nip slip: “Listen to me young girls
out there; it’s never too late to do a breast
examination”

As a guy, my friend doesn't understand why I enjoy fashion police. He erroneously thought I'm interested in the gowns and dresses of the women till I told him to pay close attention to Joan Rivers scathing remarks and he couldn't stop laughing that day. There are quite a few comedians in d world that have a smartarzz response like Joan Rivers and I am a huge fan of hers. Below are some of her jokes that u might find funny. Add urs if u've got any. Enjoy




Following the death of Joan Rivers at age 81
on Thursday, her daughter, Melissa Rivers,
released a statement: "My mother's greatest
joy in life was to make people laugh," it read
in part.
Onstage and on TV, the sharp-tongued and
absolutely fearless comedian did just that
by taking on everything from Hollywood
stars to housework. She also used humor to
get through the sometimes extremely
tough times in her career and in her
personal life, and plenty of her schtick
included self-deprecation about her own
looks, aging and sex appeal.
Here are some of Joan's thoughts, jokes and
one-liners that will help fans laugh again –
and remember the way she saw the world
through a lens of humor:


"I succeeded by saying what everyone else
is thinking."


"I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't
particularly funny."


"My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese.
Most of it's missing, and what's there
stinks."


"I've learned: When you get older, who
cares? I don't mince words, I don't hold
back. What are you gonna do to me? Fire
me? It's been done. Threaten to commit
suicide? Done. Take away my show? Done!
Not invite to me to the Vanity Fair party?
I've never been invited! If I ever saw the
invitation, I'd use it as toilet paper."


"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so
funny on e-mail: They don't hear your
intonations. Melissa broke up with
somebody over that. She tried to tell him:
'That was a joke!' But he just didn't get it.
Mick Jagger said, 'F––– 'em if they don't get
the joke.' And I love him. That comes with
age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine."


"Comedians are the lucky ones, because if
you're funny, you can be 125 years old and
they will still accept you."


"My best birth control now is to just leave
the lights on."


"She's so fat, she's my two best friends."


"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll
consider it."


"You know you're getting old when you buy
a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know
anyone who can see through it."


"I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see
maybe once a year, because I don't need it.
It all comes out onstage."


"Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's
tough."


"My routines come out of total
unhappiness. My audiences are my group
therapy."


"Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.
Of course they do. Even babies go to the
attractive face. It's the way humans work."


"I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn't
toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid."


"I hate housework! You make the beds, you
do the dishes and six months later you have
to start all over again."


"Grandchildren can be f–––ing annoying –
how many times can you go 'And the cow
goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like
talking to a supermodel."


"I don't think I'm good in bed; my husband
never said anything, but after we made love
he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my
body."


"The fashion magazines are suggesting that
women wear clothes that are 'age
appropriate' … for me that would be a
shroud."


"Is she fat? … Her favorite food is seconds."


"She doesn't understand the concept of
Roman numerals; she thought we just
fought in World War Eleven."


"Looking fifty is great – if you're sixty."


"I wish I had a twin, so I could know what
I'd look like without plastic surgery."


"I always like a charity with people who
don't speak English because I get them to
do all kinds of things around my house."


"Don't make friends with your dogs! The
sons of bitches will literally die ahead of you
and cause you grief."

This was once on front page...

Op quote ur source.

I don't expect anything good to come out of this probe since Alimodu is now frolicking in bed with the oga at d top and pdp. It will be swept under d carpet. Didn't they open d maiduguri airport just for him? Gej, deceiving Nigerians since 1900

eyeview: This is a woman who at her age should have drawn closer to her maker but she instead uses her show to make derogatory statement against God and Jesus christ. A woman who at her age should have been contented with her looks after countless plastic surgeries,but she keep subjecting herself to more plastic and enhancing surgeries. Its sad that she never made it alive from this last one, its sadder that she died at the peak of vanity. It would be saddest if she didn't make peace with that God she fondly mocked while her other vain friends and transgenders laughed.
I would have said Rest in Peace but I would be lying if she didn't know God.

what's with u overzealous bigoted nairaland Christians? u think everyone is Christian? u think everyone believe in God? u seat down behind ur computer and type rubbish judging people, are u God? silly.


I'm a huge fan of Joan and I will really miss her. Nothing beats Joan river dishing out sarcasm on fashion police. she lived a wonderful life and brought smiles to millions of people . Adieu Joan

ABU lead, others follow.

Caseless2: liar, bury ur head in shame!

what da hell is this clown ranting about?

Ok

Caseless2: u ar jst sick, misinformed, a liar and attention-seeking type.
How can they protest the killing in Gaza , when the people of Gaza are in jubilant mood over the long ceasefire?
Fucck you to think that this fight is unconnected to the action of the military some weeks ago where 33 shiite members were killed including 3 children of their leader.

Where did this mooooron fall from? u miss road abi them swear for u?