₦airaland Forum

to be fore warned, is to get prepared

- Home is where you hang your @

- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

- Great groups from little icons grow.

- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

- C: is the root of all directories.

- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

- The modem is the message.

- Too many clicks spoil the browse.

- The geek shall inherit the earth.

- A chat has nine lives.

- Don't byte off more than you can view.

- Fax is stranger than fiction.

- What boots up must shut down.

- Windows will never cease.

- In Gates we trust.

- Virtual reality is its own reward.

- Modulation in all things.

- A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

- There's no place like http://www.home.com

- Know what to expect before you connect.

- Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.

- Speed thrills.

This reportedly is an actual job application a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida, and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg B. (Name withheld to protect the guilty)

SEX: Not yet.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: I hated it

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Our Crazy Language


Did you know that "verb" is a noun?

How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?

In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

Is there another word for a synonym?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

Where do swear words come from?

Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do people use the word "irregardless"?

Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?

Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?

Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?

Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Oops!!!


She must be a biTch

I was lik you


We were in the science lab one afternoon practising with the equipments in there. We now started working on this skeleton, removing its part and then fixing it back.

All of a sudden, this skeleton spoke and said: "once,I was like you"

God Forbid,


There was this man who has long been looking for a child. Finally, someone invited him to a church and God answered his prayers. He eventually had his first child and he named him "God's time".

He had the second child and named her "God's gift".

When his wife had the third child, the baby was so ugly. And then the named him "God forbid".

Elderly Men,


Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," came the reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

Experience


A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.

The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."

To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years."

Hearing Problem


An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

NOBEL PRIZE

A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in
the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of
the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing,
looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and
asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing
in their field."

Free Parking



Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a
downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of
$5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well then, here
are
the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man said. The loan officer promptly
had the
car driven into the bank's underground parking garage for safe keeping,
and
gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's
doors,
asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.

"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan
officer
said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out
you are
a multi-millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan
for two
weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Can someone please recommend very good ISP for me to use. I have been having problems with the one I am using, their downtime has been too much, so I need to migrate to a better and more efficient one.

Please your opinion counts a lot.

Damn, That sucks

Of course we are, carry gooooooo my brother

oops!!!!!!

That was damn good and perfect, good job plezant

That was also a lil rough.

Omobaba No.1 is definitely good,

but where do u keep the likes of Basket Mouth, Teju Babyface and Klint d' drunk, just to mention some few, ? These guys are really hot.

NO need to agree:

Women is one of the most dangerous weapon on earth. The point is that, they are too complicated, at the same time very easy to manipulate.

One can not exactly predict a woman.

yeah, clever criminal, and lawyer

They got away

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

U no get luck say u dey top 20,

Fear WOMEN, dey are deadlier than a serpent

This is absolutely wonderful.

Wow

Clever arrangement

Lovely,

Awwwwww, pooor man

Aren't u guys tired to reading this Joke?

please stop posting it. We need sometn fresh, abeg

Hey stop it girl,

WHo cares if he wrote 'em or copied 'em. I know he is more than that. It's just for the funof it anyway.

So why not continue to read and laugh

Good Joke there Miller

That was lovely,

But if thats really true, u would have to go to jail for that. You will be locked up in the Poultry for 1 week, packing the droppings of the fouls,


Whats up Miller

Jesus is the SON of GOD

Just beg for money, simple.

naija Police, they have turned sometn else

By their fruit, we shall know them.