₦airaland Forum

ooseven: Nice to know you finally get the drift.

If you also notice, I have not drawn myself into the squabble in anyway. Such arguments are usually for the misinformed, myopic or 'untraveled'.

Just remember, your country comes first.....always.

Peace!!

eze moses: becareful of that bastard. a real man does not care about the woman's money

cleverdude: I was making references to the norms of marraige,not forms.

kulyie: one of the reasons they tell pregnant women not to walk alone at night or in lonely places.last year a pregnant woman who was comming from her shop closed late around 9.3o pm because she had released all her sales girls to attend to one thing or the other.she was the only one walking alone and she passed a short cut at night where some hooligans who smoke weed around there descended on her.they took turns to rape her until she lost her pregnancy,got infected with hiv and her husband rejected her because he couldnt live with an infected woman,so you can imagine the trauma the woman experienced.while they were raping her sef she was begging them to kuku kill her.how in this world can you convince such woman to believe in herself,move on with her life and remarry.apparently many people presume we corrupt the minds of women not to marry or be wayward,disrespect their husbands and act disgruntled

ooseven: My mission statement on nairaland is to engage all hypocrites whenever i find them.

If you noticed from my post not one funk has been given to all the SA's posting except when directed at me. My only concern was the topic...then you came along on your white horse, desperate to get the attention of the beautiful South Africans by slagging off all for naija and making him look like ALL he was saying was BS. However, he single handedly fought his corner, even though some of his posts could have been better.

You on the other hand refused to give him the time of day, crowing and echoing all the sentiments expressed by his detractors, even though they also presented some very flawed arguments. To cap it off, all for naija has come here for one last rant. Everyone knew it was just a rant, but rather than being the bigger fellow and letting it be, you had to quote him and make unnecessary statements just to undermine him.

Now you want to single handedly turn the thread to a discussion thread even though you can PM the people you are yapping with about your travels with.

1. What have I done for my country today? I have written a report which places Nigeria on top of a list of candidates for the creation of a subsidiary for an international water company.

2. I have placed an order to buy stocks of Nigerian companies, supporting their business and increasing their liquidity in the process

3. I have logged on to Nairaland, giving seun my clicks and adding my voice to different topics that keep the website running and earns a fellow Nigerian money.

The question is what have you done for Nigeria, apart from supporting other nationals against your own countryman and trivializing news of the near death of your diplomat.

Olasaint: OP I really empathize with you, but i feel you may have a little problem from your side.

As a thoughtful and thorough person (the perception i get from your post) you may tend to think you have all the grounds covered and you did not fail in your duty. Did you ask before.

The first rule I made in my then new marriage is OPEN COMMUNICATION IS BY FORCE.

Married to a typical Nigerian girl. the inhibition is deeper than you will think you really have to get to that level where she can open up to you all the way without any fear of what you will think

At the moment its late if you were not there before, that can come in the is the rebuilding phase.

I know someone who was so desperate to punish a adulterous wife by ensuring she does not come back. Believe me the whole family now realize that the yeye wife is better than all the five he has tasted so far.

The bible emphasized love and not judgement. David did not break up with his wives for agreeing to sleep with Absalom. He simply put them aside. That is still an option without breakup.

AjanleKoko: Why would anybody let on that they do self service despite being married, in the first place?

@OP, I think divorce might be the best option here. Tough, but it is worse forcing a relationship already gone sour on each other. If the marriage has failed, might as well dismantle it and move on.

kulyie: we met in a feminist organization in u.k and just like feminism has many branches and specialization,she is representing the nigerian branch and specializing in law ( a radica feminist),others like me (liberal feminist) who are not tilted towards rape cases are trying to comfort and help victims psychologically and financially get over the trauma.it takes years because they can get over it though and thanks to fashola who is also a lawyer and understands what such things mean

hajieazi: hmmmmm.... how l wish more people can be bold enough to come out and tell the world the issues behind the cloud.
Honestly, l have seen it all. THE TRUTH IS THAT I SEE VIRTUALLY EVERY MARRIED WOMEN AS IRRESPONSIBLE. Over 70% of married women today cheat on their husband. My experiences over the years and recent encounter and troubles with women is an eye opener to the true reality that the situation is really bad. The more reason why l don't attend wedding ceremony again. I consider it as a waste of time..
I did management consultancy service for an hotel in the heart of Lagos, believe you me, the ratio of women that patronises the hotel is 7 married women to 3 singles. The biggest shocker was that of the wife of a church pastor well known to me, a women l consider as a role model.
Women have since lost their place in my heart.For the single guys out there, ohhhhhhhh, i pity you. I no longer value marriage, even though am married. I will rather concentrate on things that makes me happy all day...watch football, discuss economic, political and business stuff, read papers, listen to local and international news, play solid music and enjoy myself with delicious African and continental dishes.

My advise to you sir,is to FORGIVE HER, make yourself happy,try as much as possible to move on, l tell you, getting another wife is as good as keeping what you have now. THEY'RE ALL THE SAME. It is not possible for you to spend 1000 years on earth, use the little time you have to THINK POSITIVELY,ENJOY YOURSELF AND BE CLOSE TO GOD. He will guide you to the right path, the path of success, peace of mind and everlasting joy. I know how you feel my brother.

cleverdude: Yeah,yeah,a lady can always take up responsibilities,if the man is devoid of competence. However,the natural norm of marraige still remains unaltered.

debosky: @ OP

I won't bother repeating what others have said here but, as a Christian, my view is that you shouldn't really consider divorce, and if you do, it should only be very last option when every attempt at reconciliation has failed, and it is the best outcome for your daughter.

In terms of analysing things and reaching a conclusion, I sense we are similar in that guise - you may take time to arrive at a decision, but once you do you are immovable like a rock.

While that may be sufficient in most areas, I do not think your sole analysis is sufficient grounds to move ahead in this instance.

First thing - do not try to 'rationalise' what she has done - she messed up and messed up totally. Don't deceive yourself that 'if it happened only once' that it would feel better. It wouldn't. Those are just excuses you're using to 'justify' your anger (which is perfectly valid by the way). Like you said, there is no 'mitigating clause' that says adultery is acceptable due to husband neglect or loneliness - that is all irrelevant now.

Second thing - you should try all means to reconcile before deciding to end things. Simply 'waiting' for 8 months to feel better is not good enough. What attempts at rebuilding went on during that time? Simply tolerating her is avoiding the problem - you need to face it head on to get beyond it. You cannot reach the mountain peak if you choose to only walk around it each time you see it. You will never experience the view from atop if you do this.

Third thing - your own attempts at reconciliation have not yielded fruit, so you need to wisely involve a third party. A good counsellor who can help you both get to the root of things would help. It may not work, but for your own peace of mind, do all you can so that you never find yourself saying 'I should've done more to try to reconcile' in future.

Fourth thing - once you've had a child, decisions cannot be made solely on what pleases you alone anymore. You need to fully consider the impacts on your daughter and ensure her interests are protected in this. She isn't at fault and shouldn't have to suffer.

I don't think you got married expecting to bail out once infidelity occurred, so even with the betrayal and hurt, do not divorce till you've done EVERYTHING humanly possible to reconcile. That's my advice and I pray your union is reconciled.

If it doesn't happen, at least know that you've done all you can to achieve reconciliation before deciding to end things.

Toks2008: Ok, go ahead since your mind is made up but what follows?

1. Start fornicating with any girl that catches your fancy.
2. Probably get married to another lady that may be worse than your wife.


Let me even tell you this fact many guys don't know. Giving up your wife to another man is a sign of weakness. Adultery or no adultery.

So let me be frank with you and i believe this will solve the situation. Let her stay and don't give her up but you can still go ahead and marry another lady that will give you a clean start.Let her be the one to walk away if you are resolute that you cant stay with her any longer but save yourself the stress of divorce.

Some may see this advice as stupid but its better than divorce.

Just like i have told my wife that i will not divorce her and if she stays away too long and i venture into another affair then i will be marrying two wives because i will never let go of the new lady even if she ever comes back. So let your wife pay that price for cheating on you rather than go through the stress of divorce.

I wish you well.

Danfo: lets leave it at that.

Take good care of yourself little Sis.

tanidabi: @ why me in the mean time i want to sincerely advice you see an expert on things like this before you make a decision,pm on dketubah@gmail.com if you meet this person i can assure you will hear worse things.
Give it time and sincerely open your heart to God,don't punish her ask God to help you,i know someone with a similar case and she even had a child for the other man and she wanted her divorce but her hubby refused to let her go and adoopted the child from another man that takes God,don't allow anyone to put ideas in your head pls ,sincerely open your heart to God and let him heal you,marriage is deep very deep except she does not want to be with you anymore,if for any reason my hubby chooses to leave me i will make sure am not miserable and enjoy my life which does not mean sleeping around but seeing that i have a better life with or without a man.A lot of adultery is going on everywhere ,you were only lucky to find out,on another note you should be grateful to God that you did not wait till another 15yrs to find out you were fathering another man's children.

in the mean time nairalanders while not trying to justify the act of his wife,any one can fall o especially woman,it's normal with men but women are as well into it now like toks said marry for the right reasons cos if u are carzy abt your man it's very unlikely you will cheat and then men ask yourslf what are you doing wrong?If you have good sex with your wife she will be too tired to try anoda man o,do you guys ever bother to ask your wife what she wants in bed or you just assume you are a super man and she loves you.Women fake orgasm so ask questions o ,am opportuned to hear a lot of issues in marriage cos am involved in some ngo and a lot of men are becoming increasingly irresponsible,a woman i spoke to recently said to me her hubby wanted to make love to her and she was telling her hubby how he should touch her and her hubby was like shld u be interested in pleasure or getting pregnant?cs they have been trying for kids,she said as the man climbed her the only thing on her mind was an ex boyfriend who knows how to touch her in the right places and she was hell bent on seeing that guy not for sex o but for pre-intimacy.God will help everyone by the way she told me she has started masturbating ,something she never did when she was single and her hubby does not know

Idowuogbo: Dats my Egbon! Beaurriful!

WhyMe222: Viola! Some of your analysis align with my thoughts exactly. I laugh at your regarding me as a wimp. A good man/hubby is slow to anger because most times, actions resulting from anger are usually always regretted. I am a realist by nature in view of my person and the constellations that control my being if you believe in zodiacs. I analyze issues before reaching a conclusion which usually is irreversible as I must have weighed the pros and cons. To add to that, I was trained to uphold my principles by my father which he said are the virtues of a real man. I drilled her thoroughly to understand the rational behind her action and her answers were "I sincerely can not explain what happened or how it got to this point".

Well, thank you everyone for your contributions. They are all weighty and have their strength and weaknesses. I have done several online research, read my Bible "even though I wouldn't want to make quotes", the Bible made it clear in the New Testament that the only reason a man can leave his wife is on the grounds of infidelity. There was never a clause that absorbs the action as a fallout of the man's philandering nature or inability to cater for his wife emotionally and physically. I want to state equivocally here that I never did fall short in my duties as a husband. It might not always all be rosy as it is part of the make-up of the life we live in for there to be seasons. The bible also made mention of a "virtuous woman" which I had expected her as a married woman and every other married woman to tow such path.

I did both registry and church wedding as demanded to know by some respondents.

My decision to cover her up did not stem from the fact that I am a wimp or that she is the bread winner (she is not) of my house, it is borne out of genuine love not to ridicule her and turn her a laughing stock amongst her friends, neighbors and colleagues. What do i stand to gain if I ridicule her? I don't pay evil for evil. Her parents will sure get to know because I won't want them to have the impression that I used and dumped their daughter. I have fought a good fight but it all seems I am loosing in every front. When I sit back and analyze the whole thing, I can't find any grounds to stand on to begin the healing and repair of the damage done. Maybe if it had happened once, and just maybe around this time when our girl has passed the early infant age and again protection used, it will be pardonable and most likely easier too.

I thank you all and I pray when it is eventually over, God will give me a woman who will see the good man in me and hold sacred her vow, see herself as the mother of the house, make a concerted effort to be the "virtuous woman" to me as described in the bible.

I appreciate you all.

Danfo: @biolabee,

Whoever said its all about sex. Sex is only one component of married life , but it is a very central component because it is associated with trust and faithfulness.

The examples you gave (IBB, Rahab,) had nothing to do with betrayal of trust, does it?

Please never assume that everybody on nairaland is a boy or a girl and thus immature.You will be surprised to know that not only your highness is 'mashuur'

Danfo: @Toks2008,

You make me laugh in Irish...

But jokes apart, I am not being mean to the OP, rather I'm being very honest. It's all about self-preservation.

Toks, I wish you would lay out the details of your issues with your wife and let my egregore analyse it for you.At the moment you are giving incoherent snippets of your situtaion to counsel the brother OP, and I think this is insufficient in my view.

Permit me to also say that, your orientation of mind of fighting with another man over a disloyal woman ( when the woman is meant to submit totally and trustingly to you as her husband) is very funny, laughable, wimpish, and seems to be a sex-dependent attitude.

By sex dependent I mean you (Toks) seem to love sex too much and you see your wife as an object of sex or a sexual property to fight over. But I respectfully submit to you that sex without trust is a joke within a marriage context. You trying to a build a home (including raising children) with a woman whose mind, heart, and possibly 'center of gravity' is elsewhere is like rehearsing for a major stand-up comedy. It will certainly make people laugh at the end.

Be good!

Toks2008: Let's tell each other the truth.

Anybody can fall into intimate sin. Its about guiding your heart and knowing your limits.

This is why i counsel unmarried people to try their best in making sure they marry their choice. This is the first step to preventing intimate sins.

I wrote yesterday that i have never sen the unclothedness of another lady for the past 12yrs since i met my wife and later married her. You know why? The fear of GOD and also because she is my choice talking about physical attributes.

A lady once told me that if she marries a fair complexion man, she is bound to commit adultery. Cray but sincere.

If you are a man that love a big bosom lady then try never to settle for less and if you love a shapely lady then go for just that so that you will not have reason to lust after another lady out there except you are possessed with the spirit of lust.

Same goes for women, there are specifics that each woman wants in her man but because women cant be too picky because of time factor, they can at least discuss with their man telling him how they want to be loved, touched and treated. Failure to do this may result in infidelity.

It may just be a compliment that your wife got from the man that made her gel for him. Believe me, if another man appreciates your wife's beauty more than you then you are in big trouble. If another man becomes more caring to your wife then wahala dey. She simply gets carried away and the end result is adultery.

My problem with my wife started when i stumbled across a chat conversation she was having with a male friend and i smashed the android phone i got her.

She told me bluntly that i was not giving her time but always with my computer so she took solace in chatting with another man that has time for her and that issue dragged till this moment.

So lets be vigilant and prevent this messy situation. Remember, all women are monogamous in nature but most times, we men push them out.

Toks2008: CHAI! You are mean. See analysis. Bro all you wrote make sense but not too impossible to pardon.

This sex thing sef is like a feeling that once gratified becomes non and void habba!

My point is clear, if you check the past and you believe she is worth forgiving then do just that.

Nothing will ever make me give up my wife for another man simply because she got intimate with another man, maybe for 4 months when i have been having sweet moments with her for years.

So i should give her up to that man to have her permanently abi?

OP if you love your wife and she is willing to sincerely repent then forgive her haha na wetin? We all have turned divorce to two for one naira.Whether Adultery or not, The word of GOD says in Malachi 2:16 "For I hate divorce!" says the LORD, the God of Israel.To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty," says the LORD of Heaven's Armies. "So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.".

This is a painful story no doubt but protect your wife and protect your marriage. Your wife is also your daughter, your sister and your friend. Let love override your anger.

Danfo: OP,

If you can still say the above with the amount of quality advice people have given you so far, then it is clear that you are not a realist, and only your un-emotional self can see clearly enough to reach a sensible decision that will be good for you and all concerned in the long term.

Let me help you to understand using extracts and apt deductions from your initial post and one subsequent comment:

1. ‘I found out my wife was having an affair with her senior colleague in the office who also doubles as a family friend. (Deduction: She can kill you without much thought or regret if situation demands it)

2. The subject of the mail that excited my curiosity. The subject says "Ifemi" which in Yoruba means "My Love".
(Deduction: She does not love you one bit. The sex with the ‘family friend’ was more than sex for it has love as a component. Your discovery of the affair cannot erase that love that easily)

3. What is more disturbing is that they were having unprotected sex while my baby was still bosom feeding (no wonder my smart girl stopped suckling at 5 months).
(Deduction: She values the illicit affair more than any physical, spiritual impact it might have on her daughter. If her newly-born daughter’s health could not inhibit the affair, then you stand very little chance of doing so. Especially if she can sleep with him while still fresh from childbirth, then you can safely assume that he was sleeping with her while she was pregnant with your ‘adorable daughter’. Sad but true.)

4. Our marriage will be 4 years in a couple of month’s time and is blessed with an adorable daughter.
(Deduction: Yes you are right it appears the innocent little girl is the only blessed thing about the union, and even that blessedness has been tainted by the circumstances during her pregnancy and immediately after. Imagine a child in the womb of a woman having sex with a family friend. That action has some deep spiritual connotation I can’t even start explaining here)

5. They both claimed it was a mistake. While I am battling to believe them, it will be of interest to note that, they didn't go to bed just once which nullifies the claim of it being a mistake. And it will be foolhardy for anyone to believe that. One cannot make a mistake twice. The second time usually is a choice that is dully premeditated.
(Deduction: This shows you as a wimp and a laughing stock to both of them. I will be willing to bet they have slept with each other again since your so called ‘discovery’)

6. Funny enough, because I didn't want the news to go ballistics, I covered up for them when the man's wife stumbled on their BBM chat too and stormed my house with the man spoiling for war.
(Deduction: This shows you as a wimp and a laughing stock to both of them. I will be willing to bet they have slept with each other again since your so called ‘discovery’. You are a strange one for sure!)


7. My wife has it all; beauty and brains. Like the few people both male and female will say when they see her picture either on my phone or ipad "Guy, you carry eye enter wife market".
(Deduction: You are infatuated with her and very much afraid to lose her because you have low self esteem and opinion of your worth. You have concluded that you may not find her type of beauty and ‘intelligence’ again. And this is why you even refuse to tell any family including the family friends’ wife, because even you know they will drive her away without hesitation. Bro, you are on dangerous ground because you are dealing with an intelligent mind that has no morals or inhibitions. You are dealing with a knowledgeable mind without character. Tread carefully bro!

Also remember the Bible says: Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.

I conclude by saying that, do not allow emotion or even logic to rule you, rather let barefaced naked truth and self-preservation guide your decisions so you may remain safe to live out your life happily. If you think you can ever trust her again, or that somehow the memory of the betrayal will fade away then the joke is certainly on you bro, because the mind never ever forget.Indeed, the mind of man doesn't do FORGET.If it happened your mind will recollect it, unless you have amnesia, which is another line of topic entirely.

Again, I say all the best to you!

ooseven: If indeed you are Nigerian, then I suspect u are the type to change nationality in a second.

You pretend to be about peace, but yet won't let the all for Naija guy have his say and let it be.

All for Naija kindly give us updates on this matter, the criminals will be caught soon.

[size=28pt] How we r.ape old women of Opi’[/size]

THURSDAY, 09 MAY 2013 19:56 FROM LAWRENCE NJOKU, ENUGU NEWS -METRO

EVERYONE who heard his confession on Tuesday, after he was arrested by the Police in Enugu while on a failed rape mission, agreed that it was a major breakthrough in the fight against the rape of old women in Opi Town, Nsukka Local Council of Enugu State.
For some time now, the peaceful town has been on the negative side of the news following the activities of young boys whose ages range between 18 and 22 years, who waylay and rape old women.
Shamefully, most of the old women and widows being raped are grandmothers as well as those old enough to be their mothers.
Yet, while various organizations, including the church and the Umuada Igbo International have condemned and staged peaceful protests severally in the community as well as rained curses on the perpetrators, the act has continued unabated.
These boys armed with machetes and other dangerous objects search and swoop on their victims at night and forcefully make love to them. Stories abound that some of the women have sustained various degrees of wounds while attempting to flee from the young boys.

One of the suspected rapists, Nnanna Osondu, who had set out on Monday evening in search of an old woman to rape, but had his mission thwarted, narrated how he, in company of other young boys, usually rape old women and widows in Opi community.
Nnanna, 19, who was arrested by the police while attempting to rape a 65-year-old woman, said they engaged in the notorious activity to derive pleasure and satisfy their sexual urge, stressing that it was not for money making as being popularly speculated.

On that fateful day, at about 4.30p.m., Nnanna, said he was already struggling with an old woman, whom he had threatened “with his knife”, when villagers pounded on him and handed him over to the police.
Explaining their modus operandi, he said they usually lay siege “against any of our targeted victims along the road with sharp kitchen knives, which we used to threaten so that she would succumb to our sexual assault.”.
He further disclosed that he had raped many old women in the community, adding that the intention was not for ritual purposes but to satisfy his sexual urge since young women refused to succumb to his wish.
“I will also like to marry but it is difficult getting anybody to marry at this time, because the young girls are looking for wealthy persons who can take care of all their needs. I do not have such money and I have no good job at the moment,” he said, stressing that he dropped out of school a few years ago, after completing his primary education.

Although, he disclosed that he had often left victims who raised an alarm during an attempt, but however, confessed, that he would often go to the homes of some of the identified victims at night to satisfy his urge.
Speaking on the development, the Police Public Relations Officer in the state, Ebere Amaraizu, disclosed that the suspect had made useful statements that could help the command tackle the negative development.
He noted that the trend had gone on unabated, despite several efforts by the Police to curb it, stressing that the suspect had expressed regrets and begged for forgiveness over his actions.

He confirmed that operatives of the State Criminal and Investigations Department (SCID) had begun full- scale investigations on the incident, adding that the Police were grateful for the effort of good-spirited members of the community for their prompt report and assistance.
It would be recalled that Umuada Igbo International, led by Mrs. Kate Ezeofor, had last year organized a protest march in Opi Town aimed at putting a stop to the incident. The group cried out that unless the trend was stopped, it was capable of attracting God’s anger on the community as well as on the perpetrators.
This was followed by a protest led to the State House of Assembly by a coalition of non-governmental organisations to call the attention of the lawmakers to the incident.

A committee of the House led by Nze Michael Onyeze was then set up to uncover the remote causes of the crime as well as make recommendations on how to check it.
The Onyeze Committee made far-reaching decisions, including establishing a police station in the town, strengthening the vigilance groups as well as encouraging the young boys on the need to be in school, as a way of ending the problem.
 
http://www.ngrguardiannews.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=section&id=1&layout=blog&Itemid=425

lorretta u: if not for some of Seun's new rules,I'd have told u something u won't like now.nonsense.man is polygamous bla bla bla.
Are u men better than ur counterparts in the developed countries?or u think we women don't have feelings?can u live with under men under ur roof sharing ur wife?but u expect a woman to bear it without grudge.u men,ur thinking,ur selfishness and stewpid ego can be quite astounding!u think we r stones and don't have feelings?truth is as long as our men keep reasoning this way,we r going nowhere in civilisation.cosq what's good for the goose is also wonderful for the gander.and I do know any man who tries to impose polygamy on me in future.will first meet his grave before I can accept that bullshyte from him.rubbish!

Vernor: My question to you is this will divorcing her help you? Will it bring you back to shape? My brother ask we the married, how are you sure the next one you want to take wont do the same, anywhere in the world women are the same(not adulterous)? They have the same attitude(not adulterous), do like Jesus did the adulterous to the woman in the bible, i know its not easy but tell her go and sin no more please note, not because of your daughter she does not come in the picture here because you loved her first before the baby came, if say because of your baby that's conditional. Vernor

all4naija: Okay. It means more good Nigerians will be put in harm's way! Thank you for this your comment. It speaks a lot about your plan to let South Africans unleash attacks on innocent Nigerians,

realsammie: .
Funniest thread ever.

let me add mine:
This happened in 2005 when i wrote my jamb. There was this beautiful babe sitting next to me. when we started the paper, the girl told me that she have all the correct answers in her bra but she is too afraid to bring it out. As a sharp guy, i told her that if she will allow me, i can bring out the expo from her bra 4 us to use. this babe just give me go ahead. that was how i put my hand inside the babe's bra and was handling her milk jug. i spent almost 2 minutes there with d excuse that i can find the paper. After the incident i Could not get myself together. i later got 088 in dat jamb. Thank God i'm now a Graduate.

JOYCEOUS: But d tori mek sense na.
Abi u wan tel me sey u nor laf?