Hi guys,

I will make this as short as possible.
I started seeing this girl for about a year and 3 months now, where it started all good. At the start, she always respected me, always was loyal, sex was great, she always wanted to see me. etc. At one point, we had a big first fight which put a dent on the initial trust I used to have when she ended up getting drunk and sleeping over in a friend's place and lying about it. However, I forgave that incident.
Let me add in here that I eventually realized she had low self esteem and was often seeking attention, and doing certain things which made her vulnerable.

A lot of issues followed periodically after that, with some ranging around her behaviour with other guys. In all of these, I often maintained my frame and wasn't jealous.

It then got to a point, however, that I seemed to not really trust her, so I was in between trying to figure out what was going on, without looking insecure. At some point, she met some guys who they started talking together till a point they got to hang out, which made me jealous. Honestly, I wouldn't mind her hanging out and all, but the first incident we ever had always made me feel she is very vulnerable around guys. I started being suspicious of her moves, trying to let her know that lots of these guys do not really care about her, except to bed her.

However, I messed up with my reaction at a point where she lied she was going out with her family, meanwhile, she went out with some guys. I found out in a creepy way, which followed with her acting manipulative, defensive, disrespectful and avoiding.

Honestly, I should have handled it differently by giving her her space there and then, but because we have had some significant experience together(had abortions etc), I tried to make it work which looking back, I know was the biggest mistake which totally plunged the respect.
So every move from me followed with a defensive response, which ultimately led me to plead and beg her, which plunged the respect further (Biggest red mark)
A lot of the story is quite complicated because, at this point, things got really serious where her stepfamily(who she lives with) began getting annoyed with her. Sitting her down and talking to her, which she didn't like.

We hungout recently, where I got her something very unique, but I realized the love is gone, or not really there as she has been avoiding sex/romance.. etc. She asked for space to clear herself away from everyone for a week and that she will call me in a week. I asked if we are okay to meet new people or I can move on, she said no, it is not a final breakup, just a no contact space for a week and "we will know how it goes after a week" I asked again if she wants a breakup and maybe can't say it, she insisted it is just space from family and friends as she feels people misunderstand her. Though she said she still loves me, "but it is going down" lol

In my head at the moment, I ve gotten over the "fantasies" and I m meeting new people too. I just want to know what you guys think of this. She gave me a call the next day, but I didn't pick up as in my head, I want to give her her space.
The common sense part of me tells me it is over, however, there is no guarantee the next person I meet wouldn't be the same as women are not to be trusted. However, I am thinking how to reignite the sex back from her, because the sex was quite good. I left her a fake proposal for a vacation "to clear our heads" but tbh, I just want to get back the nacks, though it is not a do or die. That's all. What do you guys think about the "1 week space thing"

Update.

The space didn't last long as we sort of got talking after a couple of days. However, she did something I will say.. No man with balls will ever take. Someguy she used to confide in started talking stuff about me, which I got to know about through a friend. Long story short, I, she nd the guy found ourselves in a confrontation, where she sided the guy, and eventually left in his car. Tbh. it was quite humiliating. Broke up there and then.. However she reached out to me, and in a small conversation, an argument ensued again, as certain family issues were around it all.
Now, I gave myself a proper break. Went quiet, hit the gym and bought myself a Mercedes c200 as I ve always wanted to get one. Yeah.. Shez seen my couple of uploads, and yeah.. She has called, which I ve refused to pick.
.
At this point, I am all about either revenge or just cutting off totally. I know cutting off is the best, but I like her to feel some pain either way at the end.

dgitrader:
Op, pls help us by telling us how you diagnosed the ADHD. WE NEED TO BE SURE before dropping ideas.

I may be wrong with my diagnosis... But I don't know if the symptoms I put up there,... And many more... Eg: not being able to think properly with my body still.. Typically, I have to walk around a room or on the road to get my brain kicking

Acidosis:

@OP,

Your only crime is being a Nigerian. I mean this is largely the only country on earth where parents insult innocent kids over hereditary and pregnancy related infections or problems. Sad to know that you're a victim of generational ignorance. Nigerians always consider poverty, instead of ignorance, as their greatest enemy.

Your condition is manageable, ignorance is why at 25, you're still battling with ADHD with no help in sight. Funny thing is some of the drugs required to manage this condition cost less than N2000/month.

You should talk to a Doctor, preferably one with specialty in behavioral science. ADHD is not an act of God.

Thanks brother, although I have always hated the idea of medication, I nowadays consider it strongly to help keep manage it all

Damsonkc:
OP, first get yourself diagnosed. In everything you’ve written, I’m yet to read where a medical diagnosis stated that you have this ailment. To surprise you, in exactly like you. I forget literally everything except academics. I believed I had same disease but I never got any diagnosis. I also believe that you can train your mind to work the way you want it to.

Thanks brother.

I always thought I could train my mind... But it feels hard... Like a constant battle with my mind... A never ending spinning wheel.
But thanks again

Everything I do feels like I used a large amount of effort to accomplish or was insignificant.

I see people dedicate their success or life to their families, and I am there confused as my family absolutely do not know what I am going through.

I feel like I don't understand anything anymore that I do have to search online to even get acknowledgement of any little thing I do

Please comment if you have anything useful to share

This has affected me so much, I dont consider my family really close to me.

I see people celebrate their parents out there and in my mind, the only thing I have of them is appreciation. Nothing else.
I was always made to feel stupid whenever my adhd made me make mistakes, that I am completely mentally alienated from them.

I sought joy in other things, to help me keep going. I see people say things like they love their parents ... etc.. I look within and see none of htat. I may be wrong, but thats how I see it. I feel they don't know me.

I now look online to see the way people are living their lives, before I know what to be doing/ should be doing in life's situations

Am I a total noob ??

More often than not, I am in a state of incompleteness... Feeling that my mind will never settle down... I will always be a noob trying to prove to myself that I am not one. It never ends.

Now, unfortunately, I work in tech sector where I sit closely with my boss who is quite the all techy nerd with elaborate techvocabulary, and there I feel rattled. I often can't focus, as I am thinking I do not deserve to be in that position... Maybe I am not smart enough. Maybe I am dumb... So I am in a constant chase for perfection at the most tiniest of things.... Not cleaning spilled stuff, not putting my bottel in the right place, not being able to recollect whatever questions he asks with details and in clarity. Sometimes struggling for breadth while talking..

I am a shadow of myself.

A very significant part of my ADHD is the way I drift out of attention. I basically find myself drifting and living in my own head.

I could be having a conversation with a friend at home, then the next in my head will be thinking why my colleague at work said "the item list is in the database" then I am there thinking what is a database and the different types of database and how the particular database was being used in that context, and how the database was being fetched.

I basically swim in my head trying to resolve everything I know so as not to feel dumb as I see people around me easily using words and terms and concepts, while I am questioning why don't I get it... Why whyyyyyyyyyy?

It affects me so much I try to resolve theories I learn with practicals around me, and if it doesn't fit, I am literarilly walking accross the room or house playing this up in my head. Basically, I never full inderstand stuff, till I take the information in my head, then walk around the house htinking about it. Then i begin to swim around it in a virtual world.

Growing up with ADHD was never fun.

I made so many silly mistakes which always made me question my brain. My dad always insulted me as he was the complete opposiite of me. He was highly orgarnized, never impulsive, always in control, very smart, never fazed.. etc. And although I studied a technical course in school, I still often acted dumb. More reasons why I consider myself slow is that:

I did not understand that people do business to make profit till I turned 20. I just had no clue what a business was. Always used to see business as some shitty thing where everyone adds "profit" to a product from the manufacturer, amking it unneccerily expensive and always questioned how the whole world, with different race and tribe, accepted that as a norm.

I struggled to understand how a civilian government works, where an ordinary person can control highly trained military. I always questioned why body guards, never ofetn shoot their masters and just flee- afterall, you have the gun, you have the power.

I know this may seem dumb, but it is just the way my brain works and whenever I cannot find a resolution with these questions, my mind begins to wonder. I cannot study such subject matters further as I do not even believe the fundamentals.

This affects me a lot.

Hi Guys,

I may not be as coherent as you will want, but I will try my best to narrate all that I can.

I just hit my mid 20's and although I have always suspected, I now acknowledge that I have been a victim of ADHD.

For those of you who don't know what ADHD is- Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. It is a mental block that is accompannied with anxiety, low attention span, brain "slowing down" Inability to focus on any given task or excessive impuslse on a given task, disorgarnization, inability to plan for the future... etc. It affected me so much, growing up, I would have classified myself as dumb, except that I was quite good in maths, which many seemed to be bad at, so " I should't be the dumbest afterall"


However, people bullied me, whenever I get into conversations, I was always slow to process whatever someone said that I was often tagged slow, but not completely slow as I was usually in a "higher position" in class than whoever was calling me such name. Now, growing up where I have to be more responsible for myself and other things in my environment, I find this being a daily pain. Examples of this is and not limited to:


1. Not knowing where I keep things I was literarilly holding a second ago, feeling very frustrated about it, trying to prove to myself that I am not that slow, then forgetting the next thing I was holding in the process of looking for it, or completely forgetting why I needed it in the first place.

2. Being slow to process whatever someone is telling me, cos it seems my brain takes too slow to just understand, so basically, whenever someone tells me something, I reask or repharase to actually completely understand the message being passed.Making me appear dumb at times. This happens more when people use more pronouns in conversations as I just completely lose the plot of whatever is being said.

3. I can't understand things without visualizing them and I am always baffled whenever I see people easily grasp a concept so fast, espescially in the industry where I work where a lot of things are so abstract, I totally get lost most times.

This has led my dad tofeeling frustrated and insulting me growing up, as I always draw him back, or I am usually slow to just understand whatever he is explaining.

I basically learn best whenever there is a visual representaton of the subject matter.

I basically wonder how people learn and accept new concepts, while I struggle to understand how they do

I ll post more as I remember

ty01:
Congratulations!

I never knew UK grants 2 years Visa on first attempt. I have always thought you need to have been granted a 6 months Visa first before being granted a 2 years visa.

Congrats once again!!

Its probably a different case for me as I am an Australian permanent resident and I am going on a business visit. I'll edit my original post for clarity

Hello guys,
With pleasure, I want to share that I got my 2yrs visa to the UK on 1st attempt.
Applied on the 23rd December. Priority service.
Biometrics on the 28th Dec.
Received by ukvi same day.
Collection email received on 4th January.
Thanks to everyone for the assistance.

N.B I am an australian permanent resident, so my case is probably not common here

Lol... I guess you guys have an idea of the answer

i1:

one cannot add more to what you have said. even the people you went with might be planning for you. we are in a country where people are desperate for money. last year a returnee was kidnapped and killed, May that not be our portion.
go back, apologize to them and try as much as possible for them to know your movements. if not for anything but security.
PS, if something had happened to you where do you think they will start looking for you from? is it one hour or 2.5 hours away? to say the least that was quite irresponsible of you sha.

I am here to learn. I m still wondering what alternatives i would have used than lying about how far where I am going to is. Normally, i don't share my personal life with my parents. Infact, i don't consider us that close, probably due to the controlling upbringing style. What are the alternatives?

weyreypey:

Did you inform them you'll not be coming back that night? Or you just irresponsibly chose to sleep out without informing the people at home?
Lastly why did you think you must or had to lie to your family about the distance of travel? Quite irresponsible behavior!

I told them I actually wouldn't be coming back.. But said it later that evening via phone when it was already late. About lying about distance? My folks are toooooo controlling. I travel a lot with night and morning shifts where i m based overseas, but they like to know my every move here in Nigeria. They will say I should not go if i told them the actual distance

Thanks

justwise:


You can’t be in Australia and claim to be applying from Nigeria, you are really making things difficult for yourself

Pls Sir... What do you reckon?.. Just reapply? Or explain in the cover letter?

Hey guys...
Sorry, I know my questions are becoming annoying, but I got just this one.

I m in Australia at the moment, but filled and submitted my application as though I am in Nigeria because I will be traveling there in a few days time. So I answered the question "where are you applying from?" as Nigeria because I didn't want to get the Australian options for biometrics. I want to do my biometrics in Nigeria.
Now I m seeing that I could still have filled it as Australia, yet select Nigerian biometric locations.
I m not sure of the gravity of thiis error. I am thinking of cancelling the application and submitting a fresh one. Or should I explain the error in the cover letter? (biometrics date is still on the 28th)
.
Pls, your advice is highly needed. Thanks everyone

justwise:
[/b]

I really don't think that is possible

Thanks bro... I ve just applied and paid for the visit visa(priority). Got a date for the 28th December in lagos. However, I applied for a 2years visa and its my first visa to UK and prior to that, I ve only travelled to Australia as a PR which is where I reside. I m being told I should have applied for 6months, as a first time visa of two years will not be granted or will lead to longer processing time. I am traveling for an employer(Australian) sponsored training in UK. I am looking at cancelling and reapplying if this information is true. Pls kindly advise with your experience on this

Sorry my questions are being too much. I m filling my application online and I am seeing where I am beng asked my pay after tax. The currencies listed are GBP and NGN, however I work in Australia and I am paid in AUD. How can I go around it?

A friend told me that if I used priority processing, my outcome could take more that 5 business days as there would be more suspicion on why I want a decision too fast. Please, can someone pls share some light on this. Thanks

obalala:
Finding it difficult picking a date on the UK website, I hope this is a general website problem and not a new idea to make it hard for us to get dates. Anybody experiencing this too ?

This is serious. Pls guys any advice on this?

@justwise
Pls with regards to my enquiry. I am thinking of making my application here in Australia before I travel to Nigeria. Is it possible that one could apply for a visit visa, but since I will be traveling, I will take my passport alongside with me, then submit only copies for my appointment and return back for the final decision with the passport?

Saffi:
Okay so once you ditch the ex, you’ll still end up with a babe who will love your money in disguise, so what now is the point?


No girl is entitled to suffer with you when you’re broke. This is a manipulative tool that you guys use to brainwash women. If a woman doesn’t possess wifely attributes you desire will you manage her, or go to the next best thing? A financially secure man is a dominant husband trait that most women look for, is it a crime to expect that in a man? We all look for ways we can benefit in a relationship, Biko you people should go and sit down.

And that's the point. She doesn't have stamina. No patience or loyalty. And no guy, with a half decent brain will want to truly take back any woman who didn't treat him right during his trying days. Most times they come like there is something about to be rekindled, but unfortunately, the brother always has his game on, and pumps and dumps till he is tired. Then the woman goes wondering how after all the "love and loyalty" she is showing, he still doesn't treat her right.
That's it right there

Allaboutkatiee:

Bruvv try to give her another chance
You don't know maybe she's turned a new leaf.
And no I don't think it's because you are made now
You don't know, maybe she might be the one for you.
Just my thoughts though.

lool... I m not a SIMP.
Guys who do this are basically SIMPS. There is no new leaf. Trust me... Its all a game and I m the prize at that point. You may not understand, cos you re a woman. But it is what it is

Being big on your own is the real deal. Got one silly ex who doesnt want to leave for over a year now. Sometimes, she reminds me of the days I was toasting her, trying to rekindle whatever feelings she thinks I had. She doesnt know for me, I dont forget the way she treated me then...So I ll keep playing her till I m done

cc

The reason why most women will never get married is that they lack "Relationship Stamina" or I call it patience in layman terms


At some point in a man's life, the grind gets real, lots of uncertainty, focus, hardwork and dedication to the crafts/hustle. At that phase, we know our time energy and resources are limited and rather than the lady trying to support, she finds a way to just put him on the side. She doesnt know that deep down, we guys understand that brothers must go through tough times to become "ready made". She disregards her boyfriend/toasters. She never really cares at this stage, and after a while, she sticks out "politely", and hence subtly ditches him, but still keeps him aside more often non-romantically, because she is now hitched with a few "made men". He gets burnt, has no where to run to, but his craft.

When he eventually becomes successful, you realize that she comes back with a different attitude than that which she had when he was still hustling. She asks questions like "where do you live now" "where do you work" wanting to see how things changed for you. She wants to hear the success story, she sees your car (prolly a mercedez or something) she wants to fill back in. She subtly flirts with you shows more desire to be with you and you notice she becomes much softer when she talks to you.

But the brothers know better.


One thing women fail to understand is that any guy who works his ass out from bottom to the peak of his craft/hustle is a "High Standard Man". Such persons have strong belief and confidence in themselves. Women however, like completed products and a lot of women think they could fall back in without being accountable to their actions, and women hate being accountable. It leaves the dude probably thinking whether to ditch her, or to pin her real good. Meanwhile she is thinking she could rekindle whatever she thinks they were earlier supposed to have. This dude then pins all the holes on her... and somewhere along the line, she begins to ask "where/what are we". At that point, this dude bulks and dumps her with real speed. She never sees it coming and she never understands why. They forget that the brother was once loyal but got burned. Now he is woken up



Credit: Lemba
cc: Lalasticlala

Update...
I confronted the guy and told him to back off and stay away. He tried to lie, but simply let him know I know everything nd he fcked up. He called my babe nd spoke with her after which she told me she was apologising on my behalf nd he blocked/unfollowed her. I was mad nd told her she should never try that again. She caused it and should never interfer. She spoke to couple of her friends who made her realize how shes been behaving(cos there is a lot more to the story than I could put there) and she tried to apologise. However, in my head now, I ve already resolved that I will never bother myself if such happens again. I will simply move on quietly with no explanations.