₦airaland Forum

ZE:
you are too lovable to be a single parent , so you've confirmed that those single nollywood mothers are not lovable (mannerless) thatz why men that got them pregnant did not keep them.

my question: why are they still your role model?

Yes, some single parents make the wrong decisions to become single parents with arzzzzz holes. I would not blame women who decide to have late term abortions with such low-lives after sleeping with them to rectify the damage from becoming a long-term one. I personally could not see myself carrying a preganancy for a man I absolutely detest, since 10 months is a long time to breed his evil seed in my body.  It will definitely result in missed, spontaneous or elective abortion. Tufiakwa! Unless he turns a dofus after the baby is born. . . then I cannot kill it for sure.

Such women who choose knowingly to get pregnant for such men have themselves to blame. But, may I remind you that some women became single parents AFTER marriage.

So, it depends. Not all single parents. . .male of female would choose to be a single parent.

For example, Eucharia's husband was caught molesting their 13 year-old housemaid right under her nose.
Mona Lisa Chinda's husband turned her into a punching bag.

But to answer your question. YES! Single parents are my role models, especially when they can do a better job than 2 ree-tarded se-men/ova donors.

They were not single parents by choice sir. Some USELESS men made 'em sinle mothers evev where still alive. . . .which is usually the case.

Out of 10 marriages. . . 8 of them that break up have the MEN to blame.

greateros:
@chintua

Superb profile pix! av been pushing really deep since i saw the pix - Are u feeeling it??

Oh yeah baby!

U just won award for the best profile pix on nairaland! 2fingers in the air

Thank you jare.
Some of 'us' know eggggzzzzactly what turns reeeeeeal men on.

How do 'married' people abandon their families for other puzis and pirikis in this world. . . no matter how sweet? This is ridiculous.

When I talk about what really went down, jaws will drop and then you will learn that if you want to get hitched, make sure it’s your soul mate please.”

Please, we don't want to know. If you are not happy, [size=20pt]getat[/size] of the marriage.
Don't disturb us with your useless gists. You nor see as J-Lo and Marc Anthony just go their separate ways je je without too much tok?
Bush man! No you be the only porson to chop puzi for this world?

Soul mate ko. . . body mate ni. Is that what you told her 10 years ago when you were struggling to 'pop' her 'cherry' and chasing her all ova the university 'kampoose' ? Ijjiot.

they vehemently denied the tales which however refused to die down. Those who know insisted it was just a matter of time before their defence would crumble. Now, it has. Early Wednesday morning, Frank sensationally revealed on Twitter that the speculations were indeed true.

After all the lies huh? Hmmm!  Common shorrrop. Moo-moo. You only find out if you have a soul mate after toughing it out.

Reacting to insinuations that he is a wife beater, he tweets, “Wife-beater story was in 2007 and I see hurtful comments about me now. You’ve watched me for eight years. Do I look like I treat women with no respect?”

Is it written on the forehead?   Abi you nor sabi say 'monkey fit wear suit and tie too'?
Are you not phocking other women? Is it a lie that you are a wife beater? Please, answer the real questions and stop beating about the bush. Are you not a Nigerian man. Una work na 'wife-beating'! World champions. Grade A1.

We’ve been separated for over a year now and I want to say Kathy is a great mum and a good person.

What other 'soul' mate qualities do you need? A good 'c-o-r-k' sucker?
Or the 'puzi' don too slack without adequate 'gripping' effect?
We all know that it is not the same 'peh-nis' that you use to dis-vagin a 16 year-old that you use to satisfy a 35 year old woman with 3 children ke.
You useless men just come up with all kinds of excuses.

He states emphatically that there is no reconciliation for him because “I was trying to give it a last-ditch effort by recapping good times but to no avail….No more ball-and-chain for me. I’ve had it. I’m out.”

So, you think the grass is greener on the outside huh?
Your misery is just beginning.
Please, you are an African man.
Una nyansh nor dey siddon for one place.
Go and sleep sir!
Marriage is a 'ball and chain' relationship.
The new puzi go soon sawa too.

Predictably, twit-ville was aglow with comments for and against but the man in the middle of the drama maintains that it is all over for the union consummated about ten years ago and which has produced three kids. Sources say the estranged couple is already seeking a divorce, thus bringing to an unsavoury end the union of one of the most admired couples in Nigerian showbiz.

Na ya children I pity.

Man or woman go leave im family wey God gif am begin pursue toto and piriki all over the world dey say im dey look for soul mate.
Arrrrrrrranus Nonsensicus!
Not my portion in the name of my lord.
Highest, I use you do 'vacation [size=20pt]brrrrrrushing[/size]' well-well. . . .go back to my darling husband and children je je!
Boooosheeet!


Ol' boy. . .make I dedicate this song for you. You go soon wake up from ya dream.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6O2ncUKvlg&feature=related

[size=20pt]91,512,997[/size]


For men like you. . .this song exists. As you can see it has almost 92 million hits. Enjoy, Like my mama go tell us those days. . . Pickin wey dem carry for hand. . .nor know say to waka for graaaaaaaand hard. You go soon hear the 'Clarion Call' my dia.

Take kia!

Da Doctor:
@Chintua,
they arent happy oh!They even hide the kids most times
This is africa!!!!!!

Pickin dey hide?
Indeed! Please, show us the 'scruffy' men(who are really the miserable losers).
Which of them in your initial post seem to be unhappy about the so-called single parent status?
Or appears to be 'hiding' her child or children?
Don't be jealous.
Women are winning the race.
See how beaurriful they are?
No quench o!

ZE:
@ chintua keep deceiving your self. youn definitely must be a semi-frust/rated single mother
@ poster, open another tred for nigerian musician and dont forget to mention that girl, (omo/wumi)

Mu he he he he

You wish. I can't wait to get rid of my husband.
His only crime? He is an African man who loves me to pieces.
Please, go and ask around. . .some of us are too loveable to be single parents. We don't attract losers like  you.

Everyday - "silly" arguments, different topics, different opinions, but really, what has all these arguments, topics, and people on Nairaland contributed to nation building? Or is it just loud talks that makes no impact? What argument or topic on NL has led to a policy reversal by the government?

Absolutely one.
Absolutely nothing.
Just to make noise.
Abi you nor hia say 'Reuben Abati' na GEJ adviser?

If you can't beat them. . . join them chop 'kola' jor.
Who say devul nor get pawa?

Please, Nairaland is one person's business. . . not NIGERIA'S business.
Wake up and smell the 'burukutu'!

Because "Naira" dey for h-inside "Nairaland" na eim be say "Nairaland" equal "Nigeria"?

Abeg nor catch mugu for middle of 2011 o! E jor sir.

Most of the peeps wey dey make noise for Nairaland get porsina porson for Naija gobberment.

Satan cannot fit to cast out satan. Do not be deceived.

Voting for Oprah again.
Abi poll don close?

Mu he he he he

Who cares?


Oh well.
The UNITED States of America was founded on Indian bones, blood, sweat and grime.
Or should we mention African Imported Slaves from the Trans-Atlantic.

Did it stop them from progressing?

What exactly is your point?

America nor tell lies for Iraq?

Abeg go ride ya Okada jeje. . . make we hia word.

dayokanu:
Look no where you are running to if Nairaland is the problem I would deactivate my account sharp sharp.

I must to chop inside that poohsie.

I don dey pursue am sinceeeee

First of all, the MAIN reason I keep replying you is that I find you extremely entertaining.
You, that confessed to using another moniker or your cyber pal's ID with your useless gang of olodos to insult your mommas on this same NL? Mu he he he he he he. . . .You think say I don forget you? Hmmmm! Una go ban taya ke! I don pick my burial plot for this Nairaland. We go see who go run and who go taya.
Go bring ya gang and camouflage into wetin una wan be. I am always prepared.

I dey wait you ke. . . carry all of them come. I get ya time today. Here goes:

I don't do females for one. . . and I find 'males' more my 'equals'. . .since I grew up around MANY. Females bore me to death and I find MOST women extremely daft and superficial, especially with this their unhealthy pre-occupation with peh-nises to be relevant in life. So, let me explain where I am coming from, so you can understand once and for all.

The problem is not with NL per se. . but the just too many 'juvvies' inherent within. . . I am not at the point of looking for a sugar son. . . .YET.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, I don't mess with 'unmarried men'. That would be a gross demotion.
How can I allow a single boy. . .not even a man to see my 'paheint'?
I could never forgive myself. . . not that desperate!
Somebody MUST be loving ya FULL-TIME, so we can have something in common first.

To make matters worse. . . too many of you hia wey 'mmiri oshu'(TOTO WATER/AMNIOTIC FLUID) nefa dry from una heads, making you even worse than newborn infants since, new born infants have excuses to be a little 'slow' pending the achievement of the developmentally-appropriate milestones or cognitive accomplishments which MOST of you have woefully, failed to attain even in adulthood from the nonsense you write on the cyber airways, not to mention the way you interact amongst your local champs and chimps of ree-tarded, love-starved, desperate, juvenile-styled, popularity contestants of selves. . . . more like zomboid herds of diseased cattle looking for a cure from Satan(. . .a la misery loves company. . . in reality.)


I am not running away hon'! I NEVER do. . .especially from God-forsaken/CURSED NIGERIANS. I usually dare them to do their phocking WORST. I am still here baby. Some of us are well cooked. . .and are frankly UNTOUCHABLE, UNBREAKALBE AND CAN NEVER BE INTIMDATED BY RIFF-RAFFS ON OR OFF THE CYBER AIRWAYS. I always love a good fight. Some of us are waaaaaaay tooooooo liberated even by 'Western' standards. . .  Thanks to loving parents, family and A HUSBAND! Thank my GOD oh! I would have committed suicide if I had to get married to one of ya online by the standards of modern age. . . especially to a wretched one from NL of ALL places! Tufiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiakwa!!!!

I love to pick my phock mates. . .and you do not meet my criterion. So, I can't initiate you.


By now, you should know I do not play hard to get sir. What on earth for? I pay my own bills and I am not one of those your 'kokoye' NL gals/imported residence-permit-seeking old cargos, looking for a husband, 'respect' and or 'recognition' from cyber grasshoppers or praying-manthises with 'triangular' shaped-heads! If I wantcha. . .I usually make my MOVE first. If I don't wantcha. . .come hell or high water. . .our paths would NEVER cross.


So listen up sir, and to whom it may concern too.

1. Be over 40 and under 45. No over 45 with dead peh-nises please. I have passed the stage of 'balancing' my pweety Ikebe WITH BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS on ANY bum equipment that can't stand straight for more than 10 minutes. I nor dey for "O'baby'. . .abeg suck me harder small, make I for take 'strong' well h-enter ya puzi"!  You must come fully charged at ALL times AND without ANY assistance! I don't need 'lubricant' to be 'greased' either. Abeg, make una dey keep una 'gallon' of v[b]E[/b]seline for house. Mwah!

2. You must have a mother you adore and take care of(No social vagabonds who beat up women including their mothers too please)

3. NO SMOKERS. . . NO DRUNKS! I don't wan' any of ya to quench on my arzzzzz in one hotel room with ya filthy liver, kidneys or lungs. NO DISEASES PLEASE!!!!

4. Be gainfully employed(no cab drivers or peppersoup sellers, OR WEB SITE OWNERS(especially one local one who has NEVER left THE NIGERIAN SHALANGA and waaaaaaaaaaaaay too timid to use indoor plumbing system. . . or whose parents are still living in remote Nigerian villages without local airports or shyytting in 'Poes' retrieved from under their beds intermittently at night for convenience in the 21st century!!!) ,

NO WEBSITE/MESSAGE BOARD MODERATORS OR ADMINISTRATORS please(OR FRIENDS OF SUCH). . .too much of gossips(not to mention a sickening, exaggerated sense of self-importance!) I love to tango with professional dudes ONLY. No retired 'Ebony' dancers(morticians/pall-bearers who managed to find their ways abroad after abandoning their wives and children and juggling multiple caskets with stiff decaying, dead bodies in mid-air with simultaneously for decades back in Naija for a living either. . .while singing endlessly: WHAT SHALL I SAY UNTO MY LORD? ALL I GAT TO SAY IS TENK YOU LORD! TENK YOU LORD, TENK YOU MA LORD. . .ALL I GAT TO SAY IS TENK YOU LORD!)

Heavens forbid! Who wanno phock a cremateur?

5. You must be married for at least 10 YEARS. . . .have a well-mannered, PRETTY adorable wife who is not FAT. . .one you respect and love. . . . one I can be envious of at least, for something I DO NOT HAVE IN MY LIFE. . . .(if you are married to an ugly black woman. . . .with the skin color of the back of your granny's  village, cooking-pot. . . no religiousness/classy 'good-behaviour' can compensate for all that wor-wor-im!) Marrying an ugly woman(don't care how beaurrrriful her mind is). . .makes you a 'jacked up' "jew-guy' of a moo-goo. . .or a MOFO! At least we would understand why you keep running away from home to avoid inhaling all that ugliness! Please, keep your distance.

6. You must have beautiful children you go home to every night, instead of running the streets eating all puzis locally and inter-continenally! A health risk for sure! My goal is not to get you divorced or compete with your wife. But to be a loving 'god-mother' to your children in case you or your wife departs this planet in an untimely fashion. I know all my 'boyfriends' kids sir and vice versa. Who say ashewo work nor get "benefits". . .please, not UNA kinda NL or Naija website kind of scratch my arzzze and I scratch yours 'fan' club of cyber romance ok? Efry barry get im levo! My 'and no dey dat kain bizzinezzz!!! Ta!

7. No divorcees please! If you have been rejected by one or more females in marriage as one kain Ogboni-Okija, born-again divorcee or serial divorcee. . .something is wrong with you. Please, keep your family curses to yaselves!

8. No Facebook or social networking websites(the reason I love NL. . . NO PM functions! . . . Can't stand the pesky function on any forum. Lots of boring, egggstrrrremly LOCAL, UGLY, irritating, BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSH, jobless, busy-bodies with dry gists! Not to mention wor-wor faces. )

9A. You must not come from a polygamous home! Tufuakwa.
9B. You MUST not be Christian or a Muslim! Atheists and Agnostics ONLY!!!!

10. No 'behind-based' romantic encounters. I don't like to play with 'shyte'! Strictly one way entry. . .no bi-holar BASING! "Behind-based" virgins like myself ONLY. . .MALE OR FEMALE!!!!

11. No widowers. . .if God has divorced you . . . .instead of man( a judge in any divorce court) on account of your WICKEDNESS AND EVIL HEART, please keep away from me. I don't have widows and widowers in my family lineage who have killed their spouses with remote control witchcraft and sorcery. I dun wanno inherit your curses!

12. Finally, no female friends. I don't befriend man and WIFE! If a wanno phock ya arzzzze. . . I don't wanno know your wife or gal friend. Soooooooooooooo, keep ya biatchezzzz ourra ma face. NO COMPETITION PLEASE!

If you fail ANY of the above tests. . . please proceed to the 'check-out' counter of DEATH!

Oh boy! E get some 'mountain' wey you nor fit climb o! This na wan.

Lastly, I have noticed that you love to move around in a herd with that your nauseating, cowardly polymonikering Okoro-Ngbatiscious gang of spiritual dunces I absulutely CANNOT stand. I don't do cyber gangs or otherwise. I only relate with people on a one-to-one basis. . . .and what stays in Vegas, should stay in Vegas. I don't like male gossips. They are worse than female ones.

Thank you!

[size=20pt]PS.
NO YORUBA OR IGBO FROM ACROSS THE NIGER ESPECIALLY! TUFIAKWA TO THE HIGHEST PAWA!  No Okoro-Ngbatic, BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSH, locals please![/size]

Later my son.

dayokanu:
You know say your own get special flavour, I dont want those Okoro ngbatic ones na your South South poohsie I want.


Anytime I see the picture on your profile Mu diieekk dey strong kakaraka like say he wan tear trouser

Me sef dey fin-garrr myself when I look am too.
A masterpiece!
A fantastic work of art!
Very "Juicy"!
No Okoro-Yoruba "smell"!

Kpele o!
Sorry, I don't phock Nairalanders.
Never have and NEVER will.
Enjoy the "view".

We wish them well.
Love is not by force abeg.
Haba!

Is it easy to stare at one ugly face for eternity?

Me sef nor fit wait. Make I h-enter road begin 'strip' full time.

Marriage is such a drag!

I hope the man nor go read this one o! Anyway, he already knows how I feel.

The reason everyone should select the kind of puzi or piriki to put mouth well well.
No more chopping 'sweet congo' from now on. Chai!
Death is beta I swia.
Especially as we all know that his prick does not work.
Wetin woman go do now?

Before I reach Las Colinas back, Hungry go don dey wire me.

Mu he he he he he

New sleep number bed? I like it!!! let me come and test it out if it can withstand Wear and tear of humping and bumping

My husband is coming to 'bless' it first this weekend. . .to ward off all evo Okoro-Yoruba spirits.

You must be starving o. You mean all those your 'Dayokanu' fan club is full of 'stale' puzis?

I guess after crawling all over NL and beyond for some 6 years plus. . .it is to be expected huh?

Pity!

Thank God. Back to topic.

How dis kain 'shorty' go fit roll man for bed sef?

1. She nor fine.
2. She be 'dependent'.

The man nor get taste.

tpia@:
newsflash:

so no married man is viewing your n.aked v.agina on your profile?

who exactly are you displaying it for?

seun the owner of nl or fstranger/dayokanu?

All of the above. . .as long as it can cure 'impotence' on NL.

You get this kain "n.aked v.agina" for Yorubaland?

You nor get eye? Where did you see 'n.aked v.agina'. . .?

If you want to see the real thing, just ask huh? Don't be shy.

Da pipo wey don see am. . .nefa recover. . . Mu he he he he he

Go h-ask dem.

Wetin you find go dia? Busy bodi!

buzugee:
just did

Back to sender!

[size=20pt]So women still get emotion for men in these days[/size] wey their hearts strong like pomo ? She wan become second wife so that she go inherit the man.[size=20pt]useless girl[/size]

Abi oooooooooooooh! Very useless gal.
Committing suicide over a married man?
Man go phock anything with 'hole'!
See the ugly babe. . . !

E be like say her own papa carry her mama put for one polygamous sadine can for Ijebu land  'sardine' can of a home. No wonder her life ambition was to be a second wife in the 21st century. She nor go die beta. If to say she nor die. . . I for don buy ticket reassssh Lagos kill am myself.

Awobi!

tpia@:
not really my business sha!!!

Let us see how long this mid-year resolution would last.

buzugee:
you shouldnt let your circumstances turn you into what you are not. gotta mentally strong out here

Ok. Please, pray for me. I am counting on you sir.
Please, I hope you gonna attend the funeral of this 'Maroko Midget'!
Serves her right for sleeping with another woman's husband. . .A RIGHT RESERVED FOR ONLY MARRIED WOMEN!!!

Bloody long-throatish thaaang!

buzugee:
i wonder what got your heart to this level of coldness. suffering ?

Yes.

ezeagu:
This is a bit much.

Thank you!

tpia@:
seriously, your n.aked womanliness is all over your profile and you still feel you have the moral high ground to look down on others?

Yes.

See as she make face like one guguru-selling 'AMOKPE' for Ijesha. . .[b]E[/b]do-[b]A[/b]kiti.
She ivin resemble one NL woman for hia kpa-kpa.

She nor even fine sef.
Typical 'Yoruba' face.
Shorty wor-wor woman.
How she nor go commit suicide.
Lagos State. Head quarters of desperado females!

Commit suicide for a man?
Unbelievable.
I guess she never had a father who really loved her.

The many sequelas of that low self-esteem inducing menace called POLYGAMY.

Twa!

Good riddance! The reason I don't pity all these single desperadoes who run after married men.

IF YOU ARE SINGLE. . .DO ONLY SINGLE MEN!!!
IF YOU ARE MARRIED. . .DO ONLY MARRIED MEN!!!


Una nor dey hia word!

Errrrrrrrrrrm. . . . ?
In short.
Make I change location.

^^^^

Mu he he he he he
You must have mizzzzed me by an inch. I was at Lebanon and Preston shopping for my mom yesterday.
I also stopped at Aggie's for that special fried plantain and tilapia fish with that special Cameroonian hot sauce for lunch.
No more Yembol since na 'Yoruba' peeps get the place. . . .
Before una go poison porsin for dia with all una Ogboni-Okija Christain love.

I am working at Centenniel Medical Center this month for my consultancy.
Why don't you check in the ER, so I can properly check you out?
I just got a new apartment too(changes every week or month depending on my clinical rotation)

You wanno come help me to celebrate my new 'sleep' number?

Oh dia!
Seeeeee sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep for 12 hrs non-stop!
Unbelievable.

So this is how death is?
My mama don carry her trouble go with her 40 pieces of Kentucky Fried Chicken. . . Chinekeeee.
How porson go come America to visit come carry Kentucky Fried Chicken(both Original and Grilled recipes. . .she can't get enough of them) load for suitcase dey carry go Naija via London kwa nu?
This Igbo woman na wah!

Mu he he he he. . . anyway, all na to prolong long life. What ever floats her foiiiiiine ikebe supa!
Gotta love her. Now I can live my life.
She should not be back till next year after visiting 4 times this year already. All medications filled for six months. Even dental floss and all her Elizabeth Arden Cream!!!!
That should fulfill her 'green card' retirements. She turns 65 next year and will become a bonafide 'senior citizen' with full Medicare benefits/
Good bye to "Blue Cross Blue Shield"!!! Hallelujah!

Na wetin all these peeps dey yarn for hia sef?

Okay. No need to reply una atol atol.

I got a CPR class to teach in one hour. . .time to bounce!


Later fans. Keep the 'hate' coming. I love it!

^^^^
Sorry, no extra curricular s-ha-ggggging. Till October. Shop don close for now. Make I recover from the one wey I do this month. No vess abeg! Toto nor be iron.

Later sir! Off to bed.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

^^^^

Just checking up on you polimonikering, ugly, slow cowards who can't fit to do shyyyyyte as always.

We dey kamkpeeeee.

Keep dreaming hon! London boyzzz are sweeter jare.

Go siddon! You no see my fine nyansh for London? Drunk as a skunk!

Too much fun I tellya! . I could not find my shoes. I struggled to get into the house as my poor daughter looked on in amusement.   

Time to make money my fren! Don't disturb moi, since you nor get work. . .and you are too broke to take vacations!

Kpele o!

Off to bed! Work don close!

Make una go plan una next coup jare! Abi una nor fit kill "Babangidda" for Minna?

Damn cowards!!!!!!

Later o! Make I go baff well well knack correct sleep for my water bed jare.

Dem ugly bintchezzz n basssads don taya to do cowardly, polymonikering Okoro-ngbatic runs with them wor-wor black faces?
Mu he he he he he

No more "hot" gossip from the Okoro-Ngbatic gang wey dey sleep for cyber h-airways? Abi dem don taya to exchange monikers and passwords for facebook and Twitter?

Oooogly, bush thaaaangs!

I hear say to "drink" akamu dey cure rabbity teee-t and "Mama Kofo" chop-chop head.

Any marriage disu year? Abi we still dey do "chop and troway for NL recycle bin of 'ol cargo romance"?

Singing Sir Bayo Ade jare. . . .

"Wetin you know see you say you see ooooh. . . .Amebo, Dem go Taya!!!! Amebo, you go taya"!!!!

Gosh, what a long boring meeting!


Sooooo off today. Time for some more fun. What a lovely London vacation, where the chopping continues! No meeting with cyber riff-raffs!!!!!

Thank you lord!!!!



!Get Yours! 

I disagree.
Gullible, occultic people who practice religion is the root of al evil.
Talk about herd mentality. . .even worse than nama!
Follow me drink hemlock. . .you go enter heaven ra ra o!

Tufiakwa!


http://www.rense.com/general69/obj.htm

[size=20pt][b]George Carlin
On Religion



ObjectiveThought.com
12-23-5





When it comes to bullsheeeeeit, big-time, major league bullsheeeeeit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

 
But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy poo!
 
But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is bleeped up.
 
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of poo you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful Bottom a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.
 
No woman could or would ever bleep things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a poo. Doesn't give a poo, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.
 
So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a poo, I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on.
 
And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us.
 
Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite.
 
I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend.
 
But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to bleep that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan?
 
Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and bleep up Your Plan?
 
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the bleep bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
 
So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't bleep around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.
 
For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that RoosterDrinker out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.
 
So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.
 
And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was.


 
In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh, now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!
 
(Copyright 1999 by George Carlin. Printed without permission.)
 
http://www.objectivethought.com/atheism/carlin.html[/b] [/size]