₦airaland Forum

Pablo95:
Baba ur update too slow....
no be dis kain tori person fit comot mind....u for no start d tori wen u knw say d update neva complete
i no dey gbadun dis kain tin
#addicted to d story tho !

No vex bro...work and stress no free person

"Oga Alexander which of your daughter are you talking about?" I asked.
"Is it Chinasa that's fat and farts uncontrollably?" I continued.
"I have warned you little boy because if you get her pregnant, I'm not going to take it lightly with you" he replied and made to leave.
"And how sure are you that your daughter is fertile and can get pregnant because despite her unwholesome activities with many guys, she's yet to miss anything" I interrupted.
At this point mkpokoro my friend was starring at me with mouth agape.
"Hey oga stop starring at me that way, its better to get someone's daughter pregnant than to be a fugitive like you" I told him.
"Ugo stop making caricature of my predicament" he murmured.
At this juncture, my mother came to collect the plates and asked "what did you say happened to the oil in the drum for it's now sticky and smells somehow"

"Mama can you imagine, I saw a heavily bearded he-goat inside the drum. The goat was bleating meh meh meh and I took pity on it and went to it's rescue" I replied.
"But how can a goat find it's way in to the inner room to jump inside a standing drum of oil" mama inquired.
"You don't know goat of nowadays mama, do you know that Mkpokoro said he saw one he-goat sexually assaulting a heavily pregnant she-goat on his way coming" I told mama.
At this point, my friend was motionless, blinking his eyes fiercely and starring at the sky.
Mother hasn't been around for the past two weeks. She went to stay with her sister that gave birth to a third consecutive sets of female triplets only for the husband to run away.
"Mama forget about the mysterious goat, how's your sister and her babies" I asked and made to divert her attention.

"She's fine despite the action of her irresponsible husband" she replied and left with plates.
"Have you seen how you make me lie like Lai Mohammed?" I asked my friend.
"Don't worry Ugo, I will buy enough pork when we go out today" he replied.
That was how we left for Chukero's shop and at his shop I requested for two plates of pork.
"Oga get me the genital areas" I told the seller as he dropped the plates on our table.
"What are you doing with pig genital areas" asked Chukero
"Since Marcus the pig decided to fool Nigerians, I have decided to be eating their genitals irrespective of gender in retaliation" I submitted.

When we left the mango tree, we headed straight to my house(my father's house anyway). At home, mum has returned from the market and prepared Aribo and ohoyi(draw soup). He quickly served us and made to ask what happened to the oil in the drum and I quickly waved at her to come later after we might have done eating.
Mkpokoro was still washing his hand when I had already cut a dreadful lump of Aribo, dipped it in the soup, turned it round so the soup can touch all the parts for lubrication and easy passage and journey down the throat. The lump was so big that I had to place my left hand under as I directed it to the direction of my mouth that has been wide open in anticipation.
The swallowing was accompanied with an awkward and embarrassing sound from the throat that made me reduce the subsequent ones.

"Bia I will personally inform the police that you're here if you dare touch the fish again" I said as I noticed that my friend was stylishly going after the fishes in the soup.
When we finished eating, he started explaining everything to me; that his new in-law is a kidnapper and an armed robber.
I made it clear to him that I never supported divorce on the flimsy excuse of not meeting the family financial needs.
"So what's your sister's stand now, is she going to divorce the new one again and seek greener pasture elsewhere" I asked.
"She's returning to her former husband" he replied.
As we were discussing, a man named Alexander entered the compound with his hands folded at the back. "Oga Alexander welcome" I echoed.
"Children of nowadays, my name is Elegi and not that thing you just called me" he replied
"Oga, Elegi is the shortened and corrupted version of Alexander" I made to explain.
"Shut up you disrespectful kids, Elegi is what I've been called since the white Rev father gave us this names" he interrupted.

"I have come to warn you to steer clear from my daughter Chinasa" he said.
Chinasa her daughter is my classmate in primary school and was known for always smelling of crayfish. She's fat and had the habit of farting in the classroom at will.
There was a day she farted and was dismayed at the loudness of her own fart . The fart was so noisy and accompanied with vibrations that made the male among us scale the wall of the classroom in a bid to escape the impending catastrophic stench.

Pablo95:
You wan kill person with this ur funny story... i use God beg u bro, pls update or is dat d end ?

End ke....I just dey start the story

Pablo95:
My chest is paining me....please update asap

.Wetin do you for chest bro?

My friend passed the night inside the drum and came out almost congealed in the morning.
"Ugo give me detergent to wash my clothes and take my bathe" he said.
"You are talking of taking your bathe and washing your clothes as if your family has reached a ceasefire agreement with the police" I replied.
"By the way, the small detergent left is the one I will be using to wash my slippers. You know today is our masquerade festival day and I can't afford to grace the event with a dirty footwear" I further explained.
Even if I had a carton of detergent, I wasn't going to give him any. When he was busy munching Okpa and receiving cheers from some fun-seeking ladies at the village square, he didn't invite me.

"Ugo what are we going to eat na, I'm hungry" mpkokoro asked while yawning awkwardly like a slay queen off the camera. I immediately casted a warning glance at him and asked him to 'come and be going'
As the sun shined, he oozed out oil like a pork being smoked under the sun.
I went to their house later to see things for myself and met a family in regret. One funny thing was that when I knocked on their rusty gate, they all scampered for safety via the back gate.
As the divorcé woman was running with her palms enclosing her breast, I saw her loose and extra large buttocks shaking and dancing ingloriously. The buttocks were obviously passing the information that they are tired of being smacked by varying hardened palms.
Their mother limped and wobbled as a result of rheumatism. Mkpokoro though taking the lead in the race, galloped like Nuer the German goalkeeper returning from a failed overlapping sojourn.

Satisfied with the unsolicited entertainment, I shouted and told them I was the one.
Shamefully and in an attempt to cover up, the divorcé woman said they were jogging to keep fit; unknown to her that her brother has disclosed everything to me.
"Ah!! the jogging must be on the order of the Aba Python dance commander" I jokingly remarked.
Still fidgeting in fear, Mkpokoro took me to a mango tree and requested we should climb, rest and eat some mangoes. I knew it was a calculated tactic to signal his family to flee should the police show up. So we climbed up and while resting on a conjoined parts of the mango tree, I grabbed a big, ripe and fresh mango, cleaned it on my clothes, bit a mouthful of it and started asking him question.
Our stay atop the mango tree was however short lived as soldier ants took it upon themselves to evict us from their territory.

Continuation

Lovruemu:
Very intelligent and educating post,really took my time to read every single line.am a fan of interesting post like this.pleaase complete it oo.weldone cowhard.

Definitely, I will.... Thanks

When we got at the park, we disembarked and I put a call across to my receiver. While I was waiting for his arrival, I discovered I was the cynosure of all eyes. Virtually everyone was clad in a long caftan and the trademark Hausa cap.
"Could it be because I wasn't dressed in like manner" I wondered. I was putting on a black long sleeve shirt made in Instabul Turkey; tucked in to a thigh-revealing shorts made in Jakarta Indonesia and complemented with a black pair of ankle shoe made in Manilla Philippine. In my palms were a wide screen Tecno phone made in Gongzhou China and a black bag made in Osisioma(Aba) Abia state.

I became terrified as I remembered the activities of Hisbah Sharia police for they could swoop on me for being too 'sexy' and thus their female Muslims may find me irresistible. I quietly left for a lonely corner at the park and again called my receiver. " if anything happen to me here, my blood will be on your head" I told him on phone. While waiting for him, I covered my exposed thighs with a handkerchief and sat like a lady that wore a short skirt to visit her prospective mother in-law.
Fortunately he arrived in a short while and I hopped into his car like it was headed to Russia. Inside the car I was panting heavily and sweating profusely like Judas Iscariot after the betrayal. Satisfied that I'm now safe after we got to his house, I ate, took my bathe and retired to bed.

When I woke up in the morning the next day, I rushed to the balcony to see what a morning atmosphere in the city looks like. Behold was a scene of pupils with long hijab, kids with bowls cashing in on the early morning rush and soliciting for alms and some sounds of "iron kwondem alumilo kwondem"
My friend has already left but I could remember he asked me to call a MAI RUWA downstairs to fill the container with water so I called one and made a sign indicating I need his service.
After filling the container, he knocked at the door for him to be paid. 'How much be your money? " I asked him. "galoM deri biu" he replied immediately.

I was still struggling to understand him before a neighbor named Rukhyatu came to my rescue. "My dear give him #300" she told me. I gave him #500 and waved at him indicating he should keep the balance. As he was thanking me in Hausa language, I was looking at his Gworo-ravaged teeth. Fresh and rotten particles of Gworo were all struggling to outshine each other.

sabbiboi:
Here I pitch my tent.... Big ups to u CowHard. ..Centino come and welcome ur broda oo

Thanks man

Continuation....

xaviercasmir:
ooopss sorry about the misconception. Just a few typos, apart from that you are good. As for you being Oga Centino, you will if you just keep your readers imaginations restless. Keep it up

Thanks bro

AvatarMode:
Oga Cowhard..carry go..we dey ya back..ride on sir

Continuation.....

xaviercasmir:
bro. Are you related to Centino. Because you write like him. Keep it up. And you just got a fan.
Oga Centino please come and check.

Lol...I'm not bro though wish to be another centino

When he told me what was chasing him, I became terrified and had more reason to return to hiding. I bolted the door, formed a barricade with some sacks of kernel and hid under the bed.
"I no follow now na 5k at police station. Why do you want to drag me in to your police family affairs" I asked.
Under the bed, we were motionless like inmates of an overcrowded Nigerian prison. While we were under the bed and contending with cockroaches, we heard a nock on the door. We 'died' immediately and when it seemed the 'death' wasn't enough, Mkpokoro wiggled out of the bed, tiptoed into the inner room and dipped himself inside a drum of oil that was to be sold the next day.
"Bia if the buyer says the oil tastes somehow, I will deal with you" I told him in a low tone.

At this juncture, all the possible hiding places have been exhausted so I summoned a rare courage to question the person knocking at door.
Like a tenant that just renewed his house rent, I asked "who's knocking on my door like that; are you mad, do you want to pull down the poor door?"
"Ugo it's me Jama" echoed a voice from outside. Jama is recovering from mental illness and lives in the neighborhood. Their family is credited with the ignominious record of having an ancestral mental illness. Jama's grandfather was known for occasionally requesting the person that made away with his manhood hung outside to return it.

"Ugo please give me some salt" Jama said
Not convinced that he has fully recovered, I refused to open the door and started some questioning.
"Are you sure you need only salt; what of oil, maggi, onions, crayfish, and most importantly pot?" When did you return from your vacation(psychiatric hospital). Do you have any knife with you so I can kill this snake I'm holding "

After much questioning, I became convinced that he's harmless so I pushed the barricades away, opened the door and gave him the salt.
At this juncture, I've forgotten I have a visitor who's ingloriously taking refuge inside a drum of oil.

When me and my friend were running home from the scene of the failed rain stopping miracle, he told me to visit him tomorrow.
When I got to their place, behold was a gathering of people and faces that were not smiling.
Though there were drinks and garden egg on the table, no one touched it. His sister's husband could be seen nodding his head in disapproval intermittently. The divorce was to be officially carried out.
"Bia mkpokoro, so you invited me here to officiate the marriage divorce of your sister, did I tell you I'm a referee in that field?" I asked
"It's just for you to come and drink and eat" he replied.
"Did I tell you that I have a quarrel with drink that I should be drinking it on daily basis? I lashed out at him.

I resisted the undying urge of food and drinks starring me at the face and left.
On my home, fear gripped me as I met the road lonely and deserted with sacrifices dumped at various quarters. Fortunately, I saw a pick up van and I jumped into the back seat without the driver's consent. Just before we reached our house, he noticed my presence and raised an alarm.

As his voice heightened, I jumped down and headed in to the bush from where I bulldozed my way home.
I later learnt the divorce was successful and the man took custody of the kids.
Few days later, the brand new husband emerged from nowhere and asked her hand in marriage. The man was so rich that my friend had now made eating Okpa a daily affair.

I was in a deep sleep after the day hunting expedition but started hearing a loud bang on our door. The banging was so deafening that I first hid under the bed. As the banging increased, I ran out like a rodent smoked from its hideout and hid in between some sacks of kernel.
Not satisfied that I was given the maximum cover, I climbed the roof of our building and contended with lizards and rats that reacted angrily that I invaded their territory. As if bad luck was my portion, the woods of the roof had become dilapidated as a result of our leaky roofs and couldn't withstand my weight so it broke and I came crashing to the ground like I wore a punctured parachute.
"Ugo is me mkpokoro please open the door" the hand behind the bang echoed.
"Thunder fire you there, is that why you're knocking on the door as if you helped my father dig the foundation of this building? I thundered and hissed a sigh of relief.

I opened the door and nursing the pains sustained from the crash, I asked him the problem that made him visiting in the night.
"Guy there's fire on the mounting, that my new in-law is a criminal and police are after our family"

Continuation.....

will be back shortly for the continuation

As we were doing justice to the lager beer, Chukero the seller was so engrossed in the unwholesome service(s) rendered by her visiting girlfriend.
We savored the great taste of our new drink at least our facial expression was much better as we sipped the bear compared to what we had earlier.
"I'm already benefiting from our incoming in-law" I told my friend.
While were there drinking and exchanging banters, we started hearing the sound of music from afar. "Mkpokoro this music is from Ebuka's house, let's go and sympathize with him for the death of his great grand father"
"But he died and has been buried 4 months ago" he replied.
"It still doesn't matter, we will eat and drink to our satisfaction there" I submitted

This was how we legged it down the street of our childhood friend and within minutes we were at the funeral ground. Ebuka is from a devoted Christian family. As soon as we sat down, I realized the sky was cloudy like its about raining so I approached Ebuka.
"Didn't you guys consult the rain makers, it's about raining" I asked him.
"God forbid we visit those idolatrous rain makers, we assembled some prayer warriors for that purpose" he said while pointing at some young men and ladies seated under the canopy.
As I curiously looked at the rainmaking prayer warriors, I recognized one guy I saw coming out of the brothel with a lady on skimpy dress the previous day.
Unsure of the rainmakers holiness and ability to stop the looming rain, I asked Ebuka to give us our own food and drinks so we can eat and drink at our own time.

As soon as he handed our demands to us, we started hearing the sound of thunder accompanied with lightning. Like a whirlwind, the canopies were blown off and everyone scampered for safety.
I tightly held my food as the rain started falling and everyone running helter skelter.
As we were running home, we saw the prayer warriors perching on the wall like wall geckos and dragon fly taking shelter.
Mkpokoro ran towards the direction of their home while I ran toward mine.

alcmene:
Tag other members. this story looks dope

Thanks bro, will do just that

As our discussion was in top gear, I signalled Chukero the alcohol seller to serve us another ROUND of drinks.
He reached to his bottle, shook it with vigour, poured the urine-like content into our cups and rushed back to continue his discussion with Gladys his girlfriend. Gladys is a mother of four who divorced her husband and has been searching and submitting application for another husband to no avail.
There was a day I gatecrashed into a marriage function and saw her fighting her fellow woman. Upon inquiry, I was told she wanted to snatch the woman's husband.
As they fought, I saw her sagged breasts ingloriously slapping each other.

"Guy don't make your sister pass through what Gladys is passing through" I told my friend.
"My sister's case will be different, she will remarry within a spate of one month" he replied.
"You talk as if husbands are sold at Eke Ozzi market" I interrupted.
He then opened up to me that his sister has already found another man waiting at the corner for the divorce to take place.
"Ndishi nso" I echoed.
He continued by saying the man has already taken charge of their family financial responsibilities; that he even gave him #10,00 as at yesterday.
"Ah Chukero give us pork meat; I don't mean that of Marcus that deceived Nigeria and Argentina but real pork from a dirty and black African Pig" I echoed to the seller.

Chukero sweating profusely, emerged from the tarpaulin shed with a plate of pork garnished with fresh pepper and dropped it on our wooden table.
"Bia nwoke m, this one you're sweating like you're trekking the rocky road of Calvary, I hope you're not doing something unethical with that husband hunter inside there" I told him as he made to rush back to the shed like his food was burning.
I waited for him to sit down before I called him again "oga come and remove these urine-like contents here and bring us cold lager bear"
"You should have told me to bring them together na, you're distracting my attention here" he replied albeit reluctantly.
"May Ohe Imufu seal up your anus there. Permanent bachelor like you. I can see that your late father whose only achievement from Iyaji are rotten teeth and grey hairs will be better than you" I took a swipe at him.
"I don't have lager bear I only have bear like Hero and Life" he replied apologetically.
"I can see the reason your father withdrew you from school at elementary 2 and took you to Iyaji, bring the bear you have" I replied

will be back shortly for the continuation

When my friend Mkpokoro visited me like I told him, I took him to nearby tarpaulin shed so we can relax and have some discussion.
Flamboyantly, I ordered for two shots of alcoholic drink( it's only the enemies that call it kai-kai and other derogatory names). I sipped it, made a face like I stepped on a mad man's feces and began asking my friend. "What did you say was the problem in your house"
He too lifted his cup/shot, poured a little on the ground, drank all the content, vibrated like he just developed epilepsy and started the explanation.

"Guy my in-law is a wicked man and I support my sister divorcing him" he said. Explaining further, he said his in-law no longer pays their younger ones school fees neither does he buy them Christmas goodies he used to buy. "We no longer benefit from the marriage and we are solidly behind her quest for divorce" he said.
"I can now see why your father named you Mkpokoro" I replied him whilst casting a disgusting glance at him.
I made it clear to him that his in-law married only his sister and not the entirety of the family.
I went on to tell him that it's the prerogative of a man to lend a helping hand to his in-laws and not an obligations he must carry out notwithstanding his financial situations.

Now feeling unsettled and disappointed, my friend said " bia Ugo don't insult me o, my sister must divorce that wicked man and marry a brand new man.
"Is your sister a brand new woman after having 6 kids in a spate of seven years?" "Wetin concern me self, let her divorce him and remarry after all it's a win-win situation for me. I will drink and eat to satisfaction on the marriage day and still return the next day for EBACHA nkwuocha" I told him albeit jokingly.

At this juncture, the alcoholic drink has started taking it's toll on us. In fact the person that fermented/manufactured it showed uncanny expertise.
"Make sure your incoming in-law brings this type of quality drink" I threw a banter at him.
He responded by saying that for the fact that he's the only surviving male in their family coupled with the fact that his father is late, that he will personally take charge of the occasion.

"Do you guys have food I'm hungry" he asked me.
"Ah you should have told me you're coming for a return match. So because I ate those solid yams in your house, you think you now have the full authority to demand food at will?" I replied him jokingly.

The current hardship and hunger made possible by the government's inept and lackadaisical handling of affairs has made me to resort to food 'scavenging'.
This was why I decided to trek some kilometers to my friend's place named Mkpokoro just to have a breakfast.
As I was walking on the lonely and deserted road, I stumbled on various sacrifices comprising of Fanta, biscuits, groundnuts, lollipop and other candies that were dumped at various T-junctions.
"the gods are lucky to have escaped this hunger and starvation under Buhari" I murmured and continued my trek.

At my friend's place was a scene more like that of a kindred meeting. But on closer observation were his sister, mother, uncle, in-law and other unrecognized faces. "GUDAFUN Sirs" I threw a greeting at their direction and walked to the backyard. I was able to recognize his in-law because I still remember how I danced vigorously in front of the music speaker on the day of their traditional marriage.
Mkpokoro later joined me and I asked him what the problem is because the faces I saw pointed to that effect.
"my sister wants to divorce her husband" he replied. "no wahala, just give me the food you promised" I responded immediately after all person wey dey hungry no dey offer qualitative counseling.
As he went into the kitchen to get the food, I started having a feeling of pity for whichever food he will come out with for I already have a bad intention for it. I was figuring out how I'm going to cut a dreadful lump be it a 'swallow'.

Behold, it was a yam porridge garnished with onions and Ikot-Ekpene crayfish. It was so reddish that I asked my friend in Ezike language "ji anyi, unu no ne okpobara". It was that day that I saw reasons with the Biblical Esau for selling his birthright at the sight of yam porridge.
I was yet to start doing justice to the food before a cacophonous noise began to emanate from the front yard. The meeting has ended abruptly with the woman insisting on divorcing her husband.
As the altercations were becoming heated and degenerating in to a physical combat, I masticated my food hurriedly and asked my friend to see me later in my house.
Walking home and savoring the delicious meal I had, I stumbled on yet again a freshly dumped sacrifice that I almost stepped on.
" there's definitely a riot in the land of the spirit" I said, removed my slippers and took to my heels.

SaiNigeria:
You removed your eyes on seeing people kissing?

weydone Sir!!

lol

I woke up that very morning and greeted the people around me with the traditional 'good morning' and started the preparation for the much anticipated journey. With much enthusiasm, I dressed up like a youth corper who got posted to a choice primary post of assignment.
Within minutes I was already at the motor park to board a vehicle going to Onitsha en route Sabon-Geri Kano state. A lady that sat beside me has almost bleached off the better part of her skin as I could perceive the smell of her veins. As the driver negotiated with trailers on some sharp bending corners on the single lane Obollo Afor-9thmile road, a woman who sat at the back seat was heard yelling " Obara Jesus, driver jiri nwayo"
This lady that sat behind me is an another replica of Nkoli Nwa Nsukka as she bought Ijiriji, boiled groundnuts, Okpa and can Coke. Before we got to the 9th Mile areas, she has consumed everything and started sleeping. As if that wasn't enough, she added snoring to her ignominious list of 'atrocities' and capped it all by placing her head on my shoulder.

The journey to Onitsha lasted for 3 hours and some minutes and I alighted and headed straight to my house. As I got to the house, I was greeted with the sad fact that just like Aso Rock, rats have vandalised my apartment. I however managed to manoeuvre my way to the table and picked up my Bible, dusted it and checked for cockroaches before leaving the house for the motor park. My expertise as a flight reservation personnel came in to play as I demanded to be given a window side seat so I can feed my eyes with everything the road has to offer.
I was anxious to get to this state that has been in the news for so many reasons; notable among them is the government sponsored mass marriage.
I learnt that every male including the ones suffering from erectile dysfunction are qualified for this bumper promo. I was wondering what a man with a 'demilitarized zone' will be doing with a wife when he can not launch an attack in the other room.

As soon as we started the journey, commercial preachers took the centre stage. They took turns to pray and solicit for funds. Despite the fact that the greater number of the passengers were Northerners of Islamic faith, the preachers made it clear to the listening ears that unless they denounce their respective religion and embrace Christianity, that they will be going to hell fire.
While the preachings were going on, I could incoherently hear some Muslim guys saying "Kai magana Allah, walahi". We Christians are the one making caricature of Christianity. I wonder if they should use chisel to drill the fact that everyone must not be a Christian to make heaven in to our heads. From Onitsha bridge head, there was no police or military checkpoint till we got to Okene in Kogi state.
I was beaming my searchlight on both sides of the road looking for anything to set my eyes on.
This was how I landed my sight on two people standing in a compromised and questionable position before the Lokoja bridge. The guy was aiming his palms at the lady's chest with a palpable intent to squeeze it. I hurriedly removed my eyes and did the sign of the cross.

On getting to Zaria, I realized my battery strength will not be able to put a call across to the people I was visiting so I resolved to offer one of my sausage rolls to a guy seating beside and had a power bank with him. Fortunately the guy accepted without much hesitation and I was like " Ah hunger don finish this guy already"
I waited for him to finish eating the sausage roll before I asked him to lend me his power bank. He had no option than to give it to me else he will vomit a sealed sausage roll.
While we had a stop over at Zaria, I alighted to buy Suya meat. The suya was really delicious perhaps because the cow never trekked a thousand kilometers to Igbo land.
From Zaria to Kano is more than 400 kilometers yet there was no checkpoint and schools. As I got tired of seeing arable lands and farmers, I decided to sleep only to be tapped by the guy seating beside that said "good morning guy, we don reach Sabon-Geri"

Next will be my experience in the city .....but make I go hustle come back