₦airaland Forum

Hi Everyone, please kindly tell me what this means, My interview was last Thursday june 2 in Abuja. tho I was not granted a visa. I just want to know when Blue BG is written on ur comfirmation form at the embassy with a biro what does this means. it was written before I entered for my interview at the place I lined up were two Nigerian ladies, who speak like they have been to the state were seated. my passport and my comfirmation for submission was checked , the lady now wrote Blue BG with blue biro on it, before I went to the next lady who put a white sticker at the back of my passport. please what is BLUE BG and why was it written on my comfirmation paper for the submission of the Nonimmigrant visa. Please does anyone have an idea.. Thanks

We have beautiful ladies everywhere.

Well nigerian ladies are fine actually. But honestly, when i visited Russia, ukraine, colombia, brazil and indian
GUYS I BECAME SPEECHLESS. Damm Most of the ladies in this countries are so fine.

Why is sex like shaving?A:Because no matter how well u do it today, tomorrow u'll have to do it againQ:What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?A:Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.Q:Why do 90% girls have their left boob bigger than their right?A:Because 90% boys are right handed.

Love does not have to hurt but it often seems to. When you listen to the music of love you will hear it telling stories about the pain and sorrow of unfulfilled love. Someone left, someone cheated, or someone died and left someone sad and alone.

Love is such a strong positive emotion that it is inevitable that there will be some pain associated with it at some time. This is Nature's law of opposites. For every force there is an equal and opposite force to hold it in balance.

As much as our love would soar as a bird on the air, there is gravity to bring it back to earth, sometimes falling but usually gliding.
Passion, is a bird on wing in the thin air of the highest sky without a net. Passion is blissful delight. It's exciting, thrilling, and we feel so alive.

Love and passion unlock so many feelings that it's hard to describe them all: euphoria, peace, tenderness, tingling, jealousies, and complete connection are but a few. Passion is a sweet anesthesia that blinds us to anything that might come between us. Love, in the passion stage, holds a power for that moment that can overcome everything.

When judgment is replaced with passion, people tend to make different decisions than they otherwise would. You dated and maybe even married that person even though you sensed that there were major differences between you. You somehow thought that they weren't important or that they would change. Then you realized, when the passion wore off as it always does, that maybe things weren't as great as you thought. That realization and the following break-up were hard. It hurt. It seems as though love always hurts.

The truth, however, is that love does not hurt but it is the falling out of love or not having love that really hurts. And the higher you are, such as in the heights of passion or the tower of a long-term love, the harder the fall.

A break-up, divorce, death, or abandonment are some of the most painful experiences of life because we miss our love so much.

We all need two things in life

1. To not be alone or feel alone, and
2. To be appreciated and loved for whom we are.

Love brings us together and loneliness reminds us that we are missing something in life. You may not even understand it but the forces are there. We seek fulfillment in the love of others when we often need to love ourselves just as much.

"Love is the passionate and abiding desire on the part of two people to produce together conditions under which each can be, and spontaneously express, his/her real self: to produce together an intellectual soil and an emotional climate in which each can flourish, far superior to what either could achieve alone."

FOR MORE INFO ON RELATIONSHIP AND ADVICE.
visit www.harrison-romance
or email , denzel_harrison@yahoo.com

Your first love is usually the man who had the power to make you feel happy, excited, an individual, special and perfect all at the same time. He is usually the one who taught you how to kiss, experience emotions, feel sexy, laugh with confidence and behave like a real lady. You'd enjoy every second you were with him and pine for him when he wasn't. You'd talk to him for hours about everything and anything, it wasn't important to always make sense, even most nonsensical things would appeal to him. you could share everything with him, he was your first love; it was innocent, special, unbreakable and real so what changed?

Well so many reasons could have gone wrong between you, sometimes fate, destiny, betrayal, death, etc. but it is not important how he left you, but what you felt when he did.

Usually the time after the breakup is devastating, you feel like trash, you feel you could never live again, never be happy again and would never forget him. But the interesting thing is if life were to stop after one's first love leaves him or her. How would we all manage to be alive today?

The interesting bit is also that as time progresses you heal. You find out other ways in which you make your self happy. Your expectations from your life increase, not only do you want somebody who is a lot more loving and caring, you look for life long bonds. You tend not to make the mistakes you made in your first relationship. And to top it all off you forget him. You might feel a sense of anxiousness or even curiosity, to know what is happening in his life, but once your life progresses you do not worry about that either. You might feel awkward or even the feeling that you might love him, when ever you run into him, or hear his voice. But guess what it is not love, it is just those long lost memories that play in your head. As time moves on you forget him, and look forward towards other beautiful things in life. So remember nothing lasts forever. Not even your first love. All you require is someone who is truly with you, and you learn to create memories again.

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1. Go to the right place. The usual places for men to pick up women are the clubs, bars and disco houses. Whether you are going alone or with friends, make sure to choose a nice, safe and well-known place. You don't necessarily have to opt for the most expensive, but consider researching and asking trusted people on the best hang-outs that's best to pick-up a woman.

2. Chose the right girl. I know that it's hard, but I'll try to make it easier for you. Once you enter the place, you will probably have a lot of "potential targets" to choose from. Find someone and examine them from afar. Are they alone? Well, it may or may not be a good sign. You're lucky if she's alone. But she might be waiting for someone else on the other hand. Is she with her friends or with a group of people? Don't loose hope; there will always be a great chance that her companions will leave the table to dance/go to restroom and stuff. Notice of she looks bored or unhappy. This will be a great opportunity for you to get her attention.

3. Practice the art of flirting. The best way a stranger can notice you is to suggest that you are attracted to her through body language flirting. Use the eye contact test. If you catch her trading glances with you, that is your cue to get off your ass and approach. It's a clear sign that she finds you attractive and she wants you to approach her.

4. Approach her and introduce yourself. And by that, I mean properly. Just because the place is not formal, you should make an effort to introduce yourself in a striking and intelligent manner. Ask her casual questions, like if she's having fun but avoid buying her a drink! Only beta males buy drinks for women right off the bat.

5. Avoid cheesy and blunt pick-up lines. Using pick-up lines is probably the most widely used way to pick up a woman. A girl can smell a fake from a mile away. Opt for casual questions and ice breakers. Smile and make eye contact.

6. Be a good conversationalist. Talk to her in a way that she will find you interesting, funny and sincere. Inject humor, teasing, curiosity and seriousness in your conversation. Take advantage of this opportunity to get to know her better and learn a lot of new things as well.

7. Mind your manners. Everyone's attracted to a gentleman. Try to leave a good impression by being polite, interested and appropriate. If you ask her to dance, respect her decision if she declines. If she says yes, dance with grace and leave the body grinding for another time.

8. When things get more a little more serious and comfortable suggest a less quite place where you both can sit down and talk. The best way to pick up a woman, as they say, is to gain her trust and make her feel at ease with you.

9. Compliment her. The trick is not to be like everyone else. Don't compliment her beauty! Every other guy does that and she's heard it a million times. Find something unique and compliment her on that.

10. Remember that picking up women needs practice. It's a numbers game and there will always be a time where you will get rejected. Accept it and learn from your mistakes.

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It is a nice feeling knowing that you are popular. Some of us become popular in school without really knowing why. They find that when they go into the work place, some become instantly popular again, while others lose it quite quickly.

We like to feel important. You might find that we strive for importance our whole life. It's just human nature; not good or bad. So people liking or respecting you obviously makes you feel important, but how do you make people like or respect you?

Well you simply have to give them what they want; the feeling of importance. Think about it; how often have you tried to make people like you, and it just doesn't quite work? The reason is that you are trying to reap without sowing. You are waiting for the flower but you never planted the seed. If you want others to make you feel important, then you have to make others feel important. They will reciprocate in time, you just need to be patient. Imagine if you made 5 people each day feel important. That's 35 people in a week. That's 35 seeds that will grow and come back to you. The size of the flowers may vary due to some other factors, but you will definitely see effects unless you were not genuine enough.

You can't just go around saying "you're awesome" to everyone. Rather you must be sincere. You need to find something about a person that they are truly good at and then focus on that. Tell them that they are good at it, and show that you are impressed. Imagine someone being impressed by your actions. You would automatically find this impressed person more appealing.

Okay so you have been making people feel important through laughing at their jokes, complimenting them, and showing interest in them, but you find things seem to fail after a while. If you find conversations are dulling quickly all the time then perhaps you are not being very interesting. You need to find a topic that the other person is interested in. Now you could do some research and find out what they are interested in, such as sports, politics or maybe computer games, or you could simply fall back to the one thing you know for sure they will be interested in; themselves.

The topic most people want to talk about is topics about them; so spur them on! Ask questions about them: "What do you do?" "Do you like this?" "Where are you from?" People love answering questions to a willing audience on the topic they know most about; their own life. Think now to a stranger coming up to you and asking what you do for a living. Imagine this stranger looking so impressed at this and as though you are some kind of courageous hero. You would feel good. You would tell your funny stories. You would like this person. You would start joking around with them. It really is that simple.

If you want to go a bit more complex into this issue you can ask why some people can make people feel more important than others. I call this perceived credibility. If you know someone who a lot of your friends have made positive comments on, then you will perceive this person to be more credible in his/her reactions to you. If this person reacts favourably to you such as giving you a compliment, then this compliment will have a greater effect than one from a stranger. Everyone wants to talk or hang out with famous people because they have very high perceived credibility's; people would get massive feelings of importance by hanging out with these people.

Conclusion: People like to feel important. It's a fact of life and instead of forgetting about it, learn how to use it to brighten up your life. Make some investments into people by giving them your undivided attention and be enthralled by them. Laugh at their jokes, give them compliments, ask them about what's happening in their life. Try it for a bit, and watch the seeds you plant grow into something a lot more beautiful.

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email - denzel_harrison@yahoo.com

If I had to pick one thing that doomed marriages after an affair, or kept a marriage from surviving after cheating, it would be that the couple were not able to rebuild the trust between them. Even if both parties have forgiven and have committed to moving on, the inability to really trust that the cheating will never happen again usually keeps one of them going all in and committing with a full and open heart.

So, one person is usually either consciously or subconsciously holding back. Or, the smoldering lack of trust will cause the cheated upon spouse to make snide or hurtful comments (or participate in hurtful behaviors) about his or her partner every time these unsure and insecure feelings crop up.

There are many ways to rebuild trust after an affair but they take time, patience, a bit of work, and a willingness on the part of both parties. This article will discuss some methods you can use to help show your partner that it's safe for them to be vulnerable again and trust in the marriage (and in commitment, monogamy and fidelity.)

Why It's So Hard To Trust Again After An Affair Or Being Cheated On: First, for the benefit of both parties, I want to describe why it can be so difficult to trust again. This is from my own experience (my husband had an affair several years ago) and from my research.

Needless to say when you've been cheated on, you feel that your whole world was sort of a lie. The person who you entrusted most with your whole heart completely let you down and left you very vulnerable. The person who promised to love, honor, and cherish you has fallen down on the job in a big way.

If you are the one who cheated, think for a second about how you would feel if the roles were reversed and you were the one who was dealing with this ultimate betrayal. I can tell you from experience that it is devastating. You can literally feel your heart breaking and can feel the shock take a serious strong hold on the every day life you thought you knew. Simply put, your world has been taken away in the blink of an eye by someone else's unfortunate decision. This leads to a horrible vulnerable feeling and a paralyzing lack of control.

You begin to wonder what is wrong with you that your loved one wanted someone else. Your self esteem takes a nose dive. You wonder who knew about the affair and how these people could betray you too. In short, the rug is pulled right out from under your feet and it's a horrible, scary place to be. So, you never, ever want to leave yourself open to feel this way EVER again.

So you put a wall around yourself to ensure that you are never hurt this way, but here's the problem with that. The wall doesn't allow your spouse back in - and he or she HAS to be allowed back in if you are going to rebuilt the intimacy and closeness necessary to rebuilt a better marriage.

So, while I absolutely understand how hard it can be to allow yourself to be vulnerable again, if you want to save your marriage and make it better than before, you have to. Luckily, there are some ways to do this, which I will discuss below.

First, The Person Who Has Been Cheated On Needs To Be Heard And Needs To Feel Understood: It's so very important that the betrayed spouse knows that the spouse who cheated fully understands the fall out of his or her actions. The spouse who had the affair should not be defensive and try to shift the blame. While it is absolutely true that both parties likely contributed to the circumstances that lead up to the affair, only one party made the ultimate decision to cheat.

Sometimes people (especially women and wives) are reluctant to really let their spouse know how badly the affair has devastated them, but this must be done because if you don't release these feelings, they will eat you alive and they will always crop up again when you think you have beaten them.

The spouse who cheated must be open to hearing (without judgment) everything the other has to say and to understand why. It's very helpful to repeat back what your partner has said and then ask if you are understanding it accurately. This will make them feel both heard and understood and will show them that you are making a sincere effort.

Next, the person who had the affair needs to realize that - for however long it takes - he or she is going to need to very forthcoming about where he or she is or who he or she is with. This may get old after a while, but the other spouse is likely going to need it and deserves it. It's also important that the spouse who cheated be patient, loving, and reassuring - again, for as long as it takes.

With that said, the wronged spouse also needs to show compassion and patience. If your husband or wife has listened to how you feel, tries to understand these feelings, has repeatedly apologized and has done everything in their power to reassure you and patiently facilitate your healing, then it is not fair to punish them over and over again. I know this can be difficult, but you too must resist the urge to do things that will tear your marriage down rather than to build it up.

Both Of You Needs To Be Clear On And Understand Why The Affair Happened: While I think the minute details of the affair often offer no real help in rescuing the marriage or making the marriage better (how the other woman looked, how the wife met her boyfriend, etc.) WHY it happened is vitally important.

But, here's the problem. Most people really can't verbalize why they cheated. They will give you vague answers like "it didn't mean anything," "it was just a one time thing," or "it's not you, it's me." The wronged spouse will often think the caught spouse is lying, but this isn't always the case.

The truth is, even if your spouse can't or won't say it, the vast majority of affairs happen for emotional reasons, whether it's a boost to the person's self esteem, or because they feel neglected or misunderstood by their spouse, or that they feel desperate to feel validated or young or powerful.

It very often isn't anything that you did or didn't do. And, it truly does has everything to do with them - and much less to do with you or even the person with whom they carried on the affair.

Still, it's important that you understand and then work on the issues in your marriage that were hiding in the dark and laying in wait to sabotage the relationship.

In the best case scenario, the couples who do the necessary work following the affair often learn better communication and listening skills and they learn to no longer make assumptions or to take things for granted. By working together this way, trust and intimacy can definitely be restored - so much so that the marriage can actually be better than ever.

Self Esteem Must Be Rebuilt: It's obvious why the self esteem of the spouse who was cheated on takes a hit, but the spouse who has cheated often also has a big blow to their self worth as well. They usually feel very guilty and remorseful about the pain they have caused for all involved and they are frustrated with their inability to "fix it" or "right things."

Both parties need to work on themselves and make a very conscious effort to do what puts a genuine smile on their face and restores their self esteem.

Once I began to heal, I got a full make over, lost a bit of weight, got porcelain veneers for my teeth, and educated myself on relationships with renewed and heightened intimacy. Luckily, these things raised my self esteem to a level that was higher than before the affair.

Because of this work and knowledge, I now no longer worry that he will cheat again. This is vitally important because it will be very difficult for you to believe that your husband / wife still loves you and finds you very attractive if you don't believe this about yourself.

FOR MORE ON RELATIONSHIPS AND ADVICE.
VISIT www.harrison-romance..com
email denzel_harrison@yahoo.com

How many times did it happen that you went out with your girlfriend and her new lover? You look at him, you analyze him, you are tempted and you tell yourself that, maybe, he will be better off with you. Is this only a female thing? No way. Men also look at their mate's girlfriend, but usually they stop at that point.

According to a survey it was discovered that 3 out of 4 women would like a relationship with their girlfriend's lover. The conclusion is that women, compared with men, are ready to hurt their girlfriends to fulfill their own happiness.

Do not do it!

You should not ask yourself what your girlfriend would do if she were you. Just repeat it is not fair or moral and anyway, even better men are everywhere, so do not tempt your girlfriend's lover. It is Ok to think of it, quite normal, but you need to know when to stop until being too late.

If this girlfriend is the best one you've got, if she stood by you when in trouble, think that breaking such a bond for a man is worthless.

If you can't stand seeing them together, avoid getting out with your friend when you know he will be there and try to find yourself a man.

Let's say you make a move at him and you get him but after a period you become bored and dump him. How do you get in good terms with your girlfriend again? Everything is possible, but it will never be the same and you never know when she will do the same to you. So, better don't do it.

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The most exciting, romantic, fun and memorable dates do not have to be expensive. If you have either no budget or a small budget the key is to be creative and thoughtful. In the short paragraphs that follow you will learn the best things to do on a date that are cheap. You will also discover that free and cheap dates can be infinitely better than the most expensive dating experiences; we have all heard the saying, money does not bring happiness.

Go On A Picnic

You an go any where on a picnic. If you live in the city, find a park or even a roof! If you life in the country find somewhere exciting or romantic. Think out of the box. You could have a picnic at night under the stars or at dawn, watching the sun come up.

Watch Planes Take Off And Land

This is an exciting and free dating experience. Park your car as close to the runways as is possible. Get out of your car and site with your date on a blanket placed on the roof of your car. This is an exciting experience they will never forget.

Watch A Classic Movie At The Theater

Everyone takes their date to the movies. It is one of those huge cliches. Be different. Take your date to a classic movie. This is a cheap date and can be a fantastic experience.

Go Swimming At An Expensive Hotel

Walk into an expensive hotel and use their swimming pool. You will be surprised. Most expensive hotels would not think twice of someone walking in and going swimming. Since they are so big, usually, they would not know you from their actual guests. This can be an exhilarating and fun dating experience and, of course, it is free.

Help The Community

You could spend the day helping the community in some way. One idea is to volunteer for the day at a homeless shelter. You could also pitch in at an old people's home. This is a free date and will reward you with lasting memories. It will also tell you a lot about the character of your date.

Visit A Local Landmark

You can find a list of all the local landmarks in your area by doing a brief search on Google. You might be surprised at just what is on offer. It will certainly make for a memorable date and will, perhaps, make you feel closer to the community in which you live.

Take A Ghost Walk

Many Towns and cities have late-night tours for people who want to spot ghosts. It usually involves a small group of excited individuals. At the end of your walk you usually go for drinks or a meal and discuss the recent activities.

Travel To Another Country, State, County or Province

This can be an exciting, somewhat eccentric date. You could spend the day in new places, for instance, or take a trip out of the city to a quaint town totally unlike your own town or city. Buy t-shirts to remember the experience whenever you wear them.

Go Fishing

If you already have finishing tackle, excellent. If not you can borrow it from a friend. If your date is new to fishing it can be a hugely memorable experience when you catch your first fish! Remember to take a camera to record the moments forever.

Build A Tree House

When you get older, you often forget the fun times you had as a child. It can be equally fun to re-visit your childhood. Building a tree house might take many days but each one will be exciting and fun. When you finishing building the tree house you are also left with a special place to visit and call your own.

Going on a date need not be expensive. What you must do is think out of the box. The best things to do on a date that are cheap can often cost you nothing at all and, yet, be hugely memorable experiences. When coming up with your own ideas, always keep your date in mind, and try to appeal to them as individuals. If they have always wanted to stargaze, taken them stargazing. Maybe they cannot remember much about their birth-town; take them there on a date! If you tailor your dates to suit your partner, the possibilities for a cheap date are endless and always fun.

The most exciting, romantic, fun and memorable dates do not have to be expensive. If you have either no budget or a small budget the key is to be creative and thoughtful. In the short paragraphs that follow you will learn the best things to do on a date that are cheap. You will also discover that free and cheap dates can be infinitely better than the most expensive dating experiences; we have all heard the saying, money does not bring happiness.

Go On A Picnic

You an go any where on a picnic. If you live in the city, find a park or even a roof! If you life in the country find somewhere exciting or romantic. Think out of the box. You could have a picnic at night under the stars or at dawn, watching the sun come up.

Watch Planes Take Off And Land

This is an exciting and free dating experience. Park your car as close to the runways as is possible. Get out of your car and site with your date on a blanket placed on the roof of your car. This is an exciting experience they will never forget.

Watch A Classic Movie At The Theater

Everyone takes their date to the movies. It is one of those huge cliches. Be different. Take your date to a classic movie. This is a cheap date and can be a fantastic experience.

Go Swimming At An Expensive Hotel

Walk into an expensive hotel and use their swimming pool. You will be surprised. Most expensive hotels would not think twice of someone walking in and going swimming. Since they are so big, usually, they would not know you from their actual guests. This can be an exhilarating and fun dating experience and, of course, it is free.

Help The Community

You could spend the day helping the community in some way. One idea is to volunteer for the day at a homeless shelter. You could also pitch in at an old people's home. This is a free date and will reward you with lasting memories. It will also tell you a lot about the character of your date.

Visit A Local Landmark

You can find a list of all the local landmarks in your area by doing a brief search on Google. You might be surprised at just what is on offer. It will certainly make for a memorable date and will, perhaps, make you feel closer to the community in which you live.

Take A Ghost Walk

Many Towns and cities have late-night tours for people who want to spot ghosts. It usually involves a small group of excited individuals. At the end of your walk you usually go for drinks or a meal and discuss the recent activities.

Travel To Another Country, State, County or Province

This can be an exciting, somewhat eccentric date. You could spend the day in new places, for instance, or take a trip out of the city to a quaint town totally unlike your own town or city. Buy t-shirts to remember the experience whenever you wear them.

Go Fishing

If you already have finishing tackle, excellent. If not you can borrow it from a friend. If your date is new to fishing it can be a hugely memorable experience when you catch your first fish! Remember to take a camera to record the moments forever.

Build A Tree House

When you get older, you often forget the fun times you had as a child. It can be equally fun to re-visit your childhood. Building a tree house might take many days but each one will be exciting and fun. When you finishing building the tree house you are also left with a special place to visit and call your own.

Going on a date need not be expensive. What you must do is think out of the box. The best things to do on a date that are cheap can often cost you nothing at all and, yet, be hugely memorable experiences. When coming up with your own ideas, always keep your date in mind, and try to appeal to them as individuals. If they have always wanted to stargaze, taken them stargazing. Maybe they cannot remember much about their birth-town; take them there on a date! If you tailor your dates to suit your partner, the possibilities for a cheap date are endless and always fun.

FOR MORE ON RELATIONSHIP

VISIT www.harrison-romance..com
email denzel_harrison@yahoo.com

If you live in Miami, consider yourself among the most attractive people in the United States.

The Sunshine State's metropolis has the most beautiful people, according to an online survey of "America's Favorite Cities" by Travel + Leisure magazine, while Philadelphia came in last at No. 25.


The online survey of 125,000 people ranked 25 US. cities in 45 categories ranging from most affordable to friendliest people.

Las Vegas and New Orleans took the top spots as best city for a wild weekend, and Washington, D.C., was voted tops for historical sites/monuments. But Los Angeles residents may have a problem with being ranked last in the friendliest people and most intelligent people categories.

If you want friendly, you can't do any better than Charleston, South Carolina, and if you're looking for the smartest locals, head to Seattle, Washington, according to the survey.

New York received the most No.1 ratings, getting top marks for shopping, arts, diverse residents and skyline. But the Big Apple limped in last for peace and quiet and affordability.

The poll showed San Antonio, Texas, takes the smallest bite out of your budget and is the most affordable city, while peace and quiet is easiest found in Santa Fe, New Mexico, which also came in last in all nightlife categories.

Portland, Oregon, Minneapolis/St. Paul and Austin, Texas, took the gold, silver and bronze in the cleanest city competition, while New Orleans had the most work to do in keeping things tidy.

"Portland again did very well, ranking high in environmental awareness, outdoor life and public transportation

"New York and Washington are very accessible and did well. We were surprised with Los Angeles' low rankings, but perhaps that's because it's not a really accessible city.

Honolulu topped the field in best for a romantic escape and best weather. Theme-park rich Orlando in Florida was voted best for a family vacation while Las Vegas came in last in the category.

If a similar poll were to be done in NIGERIA , which STATES do you think would rank tops? Share your comments.

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If you're ready to take the plunge, here are a few practical ways to prepare yourself.

Develop a relationship with yourself.

Take a good look at your health, your job, your friends and your interests. How do you fill your time? Can you be happy alone? What patterns recur in your relationships? What can you learn from them? Do you feel you can't cope without a man? Perhaps you get your sense of validation from men – can you try validating yourself? Make a list of the things that you like about yourself, and the things that you do well.

Decide what you want from a relationship.

Do you want a partner primarily for excitement, fun and sex, or are you looking for a long-term companion and soul mate?

Be clear in your mind about the kind of person you would like to attract and why. What qualities appeal to you? What qualities should you avoid? Set ground rules and don't compromise on the things that are really important to you – but don't be so rigid that there's no room for the unexpected.


Take responsibility.

Next time you find yourself sabotaging an evening out, remind yourself that you chose to go out with this man, and that you have as much responsibility for what happens as he does.

Take the initiative and change the conversation.

Be interested and interesting; look for ways to establish a friendship. If he starts to irritate you, ask yourself if he really is being offensive or if he is unknowingly holding up a mirror that reflects your unresolved issues.

Work at weeding out judgement, prejudice and intolerance; in short, give the guy a chance.

Learn from past mistakes.

If you always attract the wrong man, ask yourself what appeals to you about this type. We tend to be drawn to people who will aid our growth in some way (be it painfully or pleasantly), and need to be aware of the unspoken agreements that are the real reason we are together, rather than the reasons we think we are together.

Take the time to think about other relationships you have experienced, and what was good and bad about them. What role did you play in ending them? What do you need to do differently next time around?

Get help if you need it.

We are supposed to struggle and grow through relationships, but some people have had so much pain in the past that they can't help dragging their baggage into every interaction.

If you have been abused in some way or have experienced a dysfunctional family life, you may have a personality structure that would benefit from professional counselling.

Therapy can help you unravel why certain scenarios are repeated, why you put up with unacceptable behaviour, why you are afraid of intimacy or why you are so critical.


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VISIT www.harrison-romance..com

If you're ready to take the plunge, here are a few practical ways to prepare yourself.

Develop a relationship with yourself.

Take a good look at your health, your job, your friends and your interests. How do you fill your time? Can you be happy alone? What patterns recur in your relationships? What can you learn from them? Do you feel you can't cope without a man? Perhaps you get your sense of validation from men – can you try validating yourself? Make a list of the things that you like about yourself, and the things that you do well.

Decide what you want from a relationship.

Do you want a partner primarily for excitement, fun and sex, or are you looking for a long-term companion and soul mate?

Be clear in your mind about the kind of person you would like to attract and why. What qualities appeal to you? What qualities should you avoid? Set ground rules and don't compromise on the things that are really important to you – but don't be so rigid that there's no room for the unexpected.


Take responsibility.

Next time you find yourself sabotaging an evening out, remind yourself that you chose to go out with this man, and that you have as much responsibility for what happens as he does.

Take the initiative and change the conversation.

Be interested and interesting; look for ways to establish a friendship. If he starts to irritate you, ask yourself if he really is being offensive or if he is unknowingly holding up a mirror that reflects your unresolved issues.

Work at weeding out judgement, prejudice and intolerance; in short, give the guy a chance.

Learn from past mistakes.

If you always attract the wrong man, ask yourself what appeals to you about this type. We tend to be drawn to people who will aid our growth in some way (be it painfully or pleasantly), and need to be aware of the unspoken agreements that are the real reason we are together, rather than the reasons we think we are together.

Take the time to think about other relationships you have experienced, and what was good and bad about them. What role did you play in ending them? What do you need to do differently next time around?

Get help if you need it.

We are supposed to struggle and grow through relationships, but some people have had so much pain in the past that they can't help dragging their baggage into every interaction.

If you have been abused in some way or have experienced a dysfunctional family life, you may have a personality structure that would benefit from professional counselling.

Therapy can help you unravel why certain scenarios are repeated, why you put up with unacceptable behaviour, why you are afraid of intimacy or why you are so critical.


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CATCH AND KEEP A MAN.

It's easier than you think, and it starts with you

It seems the whole concept of catching a man and keeping him can be tricky. All the experts agree that it's essential to think long and hard before barging ahead on the strength of a superficial meeting or an idealised idea of romance.

"Rather than investing time trying to find ways to catch a man, "It's more worthwhile to work on yourself, creating the most complete, desirable person you can be in all spheres – physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually and spiritually. When you're a well-balanced person, you'll automatically attract a man who can match your needs and aspirations in life."

There's also something intrinsically unhealthy about a single-minded pursuit of a man.

"To attempt to catch a man, come hell or high water, is equivalent to wanting to control or manipulate him,'That can be a daunting task, as controlling another person is close to impossible.

If he does allow himself to be "caught", the woman will be under constant pressure to keep him and reinvent herself and her bag of tricks."

Ultimately, the only way to ensure lasting attraction is by understanding each other's true personalities, needs and qualities – and that's not something that can be rushed or rigged up.

# Be sure you really want him.
# Let him know you're interested in more than a casual sex experience.
# Don't sleep with him until you've spent enough time with him to know you really want to pursue this relationship.

, and on keeping him
# Keep yourself interesting as a person, not just as a pretty face.
# Devote time and energy to the relationship and work on deepening it.
# Make sure it's also fun and unpredictable.
# Don't cling. Your man needs an adult woman, not a needy child. Allow him his space, insist on your own and don't sublimate your needs and interests to his.

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GETTING DUMPED

You can survive that break-up without falling to pieces, here's how.


Your phone never rings and that deadening feeling in the pit of your stomach does not go away despite the alcohol, the hamburgers, the endless chocolates followed by days of fasting. Apart from dealing with the death of a loved one, being dumped by someone you really loved is one of the worst things you will have to go through in your life.

You feel worthless, unattractive, uninspiring and about as interesting to the opposite sex as a wet rag. You are convinced that it was all your fault and that it would not have happened if you were more attractive, more intelligent, better company, wittier or fabulously wealthy.

Your self-image lies somewhere on the bottom of the swamp, and as far as you are concerned, the world might already have ended last week but you would not have noticed anyway.

How to move on
Give yourself adequate time to mope. Lie in bed for a weekend. Groan and gnash your teeth and get it out of your system because don't want to carry this with you forever.

Get hold of your friend who did not like your partner (there is always one) and, over a bottle of wine, find out exactly why. Ask for gruesome details.

Make a list of the 10 worst things your partner ever did to you or made you feel. Photocopy this and stick it up all over the house, so whenever you miss your ex-partner, you can look up and see this list. Ask yourself whether you aren't relieved that you are not in any of those situations right now.

Take joy in your new-found freedom. Be impulsive and do things on the spur of the moment and enjoy the fact that you do not have to inform anyone.

Rely heavily on friends. Use their shoulders to cry on, but also organise activities with them that exclude weeping and wailing.

Know that somewhere along the line someone is going to dump your partner, who will then find out how you are feeling right now.

Accept that friends will choose sides. The less you do to try and win them over, the more likely they are to choose your side. Vitriolic nastiness about ex-partners, even if justified, is not an endearing feature in people.

If you are very depressed or suffering from insomnia, get help from your doctor. A therapist could also be of great help to get you through this difficult time and also to work through personal problems with which you might be struggling. Why should you suffer alone unnecessarily?

If you have been dumped for someone else, fantasising about torturing the two of them to death, although vastly pleasant, will not get you anywhere.

Accept that maybe this person just did not deserve you and that you now have the opportunity to grow and explore other avenues.

Don't fall into a rebound relationship. This will only postpone your problem, not solve it.

Hard as it may be, consider the fact that the other person is probably not going through the same trauma as you are. Is he or she really worth all those sleepless nights and gnashed teeth?

Refuse to be a victim and don't let yourself be traumatised by constant contact with the ex-partner. And above all else, remember that looking good and feeling happy is the best revenge.

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Earning more money than your man can cause problems. Here's how to deal with the issue.

Some men find it impossible to swap these roles,"says HARRISON"especially men who are stuck in traditional attitudes, who believe that a man's role is to make money and a woman’s role is to make babies and stay at home.

"For these men, the size of their home, the type of car they drive and the schools their children attend represent their success. A man like this will almost definitely experience conflict when 'traditional' gender roles are turned upside down and his wife or girlfriend actually earns more than him."

"A man who can't make the gender shift often feels like he has failed in the traditional role as provider, "This leads to low self-esteem, which, in turn, causes him to lash out at his partner."

Such a man accuses his wife of having affairs with a colleague; he questions every function she has to attend and is suspicious if she has to work late. Some men start accusing their wives of everything from frigidity to promiscuity.

"A successful woman who is involved with a man with low self-esteem, who can't handle her financial success, can get very depressed by the belittling accusations that her partner makes,

If you earn more than him and it causing tension, try these practical steps:

Don't shut him out
In these trying situations, successful women are often forced to adopt a very businesslike approach. "This may be necessary to ensure their success in their careers but it does little for their personal relationships.

"They develop an ability to "shut off" and refuse to discuss the situation. Her partner, who already feels emotionally uncomfortable, then experiences a further emotional blow from his wife’s distant attitude."

Making the relationship work
"Money is often the excuse for a couple to argue," says Cecile, "when in fact there may be underlying issues. Times have changed and women don't need to apologise for earning more but they must also be sensitive when they deal with their partner who may have a fragile ego.

"Men need to see the fact that their partner is doing well as a positive thing and not as a threat to their masculinity. Couples need to celebrate each other's strengths and successes."

Communication is vital
A couple must discuss the problems. The man has to have an outlet for his feelings and the woman should understand that she needs to be sensitive in not making him feel useless and inadequate.

"Men are very touchy in the arena of earnings," IF his partner earnings are more than he,s. this can really undermine him. It takes a lot of maturity from a man to handle this situation.

Be aware
If a woman is earning more, she must be hyper-aware of her partner and his needs. The most effective way of dealing with this situation is for the man not to see earning capacity as a reflection or direct sign of his potency. Go out of your way to make him feel potent and never ever throw it at him that you earn or pay for more. This is a sure way to make the man feel inadequate.

Be honest
Start with an open and honest discussion. This must take place without any accusations of 'you do this' or 'you do that'. Rather use the 'I' message.

Instead of saying, "You are aggressive", say, 'I experience you as being aggressive". Then it is not an attack but a subjective experience.

Just listen
Listen to what your partner is saying. The imago-technique can be used very successfully in such circumstances.

The imago-technique requires that person A is allowed to talk without person B interrupting; person B only listens. Person B must then summarise what he heard from A. A then answers and says whether what B heard is what A actually meant.

The process is then repeated and B talks while A listens. In this way they are prevented from yelling at each other and both parties learn to really talk to each other.

Put yourself in your partner's shoes
When you are wearing his/her shoes, you discover how to look at a situation through his/her eyes and to observe the situation as he/she sees it.

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While you are in a relationship, you are out of circulation. So you are stopping yourself from finding a happier relationship with someone you are better suited to.

If I'm so wonderful why am I still single, says that another important reason to get out of an unhealthy relationship is that staying in one could be detrimental to your self-esteem. Even though self-esteem is largely about feelings you have about yourself, they still need to be reinforced by positive messages from outside.

If your partner doesn't appreciate or love you for who you are, you risk starting to see yourself as they see you. Staying in a relationship in which you spend a lot of time with a person who doesn't value you and turns your positive qualities into negative ones will severely harm your self-esteem.

Does your partner tell you that your natural need for intimacy shows you are being clingy? Does he say that your outgoing personality is irritating and attention-seeking? Does he say your sensitivity is over-dramatic and crazy? It is imperative to get out of any relationship that reinforces your weaknesses rather than your strengths.

If you answered yes to any of these questions then it's time to break it off. It won't be easy, but the following four strategies could help for ending things:

1. Try to say something positive before or after you end the relationship. Bad news is easier to digest if it comes with a genuine compliment.

2. Remember that you are not responsible for giving a reason for saying no to the relationship. You can be polite and respectful, but you don't have to give a lengthy explanation for your decision.

3. Don't offer false hope. Be clear that this is the end.

4. Remember, you are not responsible for the other person's reaction to your saying no. As long as you are kind, you cannot control how the person is going to react.

If you're still having second thoughts about breaking it off, be honest and ask yourself if you are getting what you really want and deserve out of the relationship. And if you've asked for it before but it just doesn't seem to happen, you know what needs to be done.

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Get a grip – follow these tips and get over the heartbreak, The following tactics could ease the pain when recovering from a broken heart:

# Give yourself time to grieve over the relationship, but make a conscious effort not to let it take over your life.

# Don't sit poring over pictures, CDs and souvenirs of the relationship. Put them away in a suitcase and replace them with new objects that hold no associations.

# Make a point of going out to new places (not the ones you used to go to with him) and accept invitations to parties, events and functions. The sooner you expose yourself to new relationships, the sooner you'll find one.

# Surround yourself with positive energy and treat yourself to a new hair-do, wardrobe and beauty routine. Knowing you look your best can go a long way to reviving morale.

# Don't become bitter and boring by replaying your lost relationship over and over again to your mother/sister/ girlfriends. The milk is spilt, so it's time to stop crying. Somewhere out there is a brand-new, exciting lover who'll make that happy ending come true for you.

# Take up a new hobby or enrol in a course that will keep your mind occupied.

# Make sure you get enough sleep, exercise regularly and eat properly so your health doesn't suffer while you're trying to get over the relationship.

# If you bump into your ex or someone mentions he's involved with another woman, behave like a lady. Don't start swearing, weeping or spouting vicious intimate details about his behaviour with you. Your dignity, bearing and self-control are your best allies.

# If you're not ready to date again, don't force yourself to. Whatever you do, don't jeopardise a new relationship by comparing a man with your ex, or regaling him with the sad story of your lost love. He's not there for that.

# If you really can't cope emotionally, don't be afraid to ask for help – see a therapist.

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SCENT OF A MAN,

Birth control pills may affect how appealing a woman finds a man's scent,

Which, according to British researchers, has the potential of steering her toward a mate who is genetically similar to her.

The sense of smell is thought to be important to mate-seeking animals and humans. Genes of the major histocompatability complex (MHC) play a role in a person's odor, and people tend to be attracted to those with an MHC makeup that is dissimilar to their own.

This could have evolutionary significance, since genetic diversity in a couple increases the chances of having healthy children.

But in the new study, researchers found that after women began using birth control pills, their smell preferences tended to shift – making them more likely to find the scent of a genetically similar man "sexy."

The findings appear in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences.

For the study, researchers led by Dr. S. Craig Roberts, of the University of Liverpool, recruited 110 women between the ages of 18 and 35. They had each volunteer rate the odors of six men, using t-shirts that the men had worn overnight.

The women were asked to rate odor "pleasantness" – considered a correlate of "sexiness" – and odor intensity. Odor "desirability" was tested with the question, "Based on this smell, how much would you like this man as a long-term partner?"

For each woman, the investigators pre-selected three MHC-similar and three MHC-dissimilar men.

At the time of the first sniffing session, none of the women was using oral contraception. A second session took place three months later, after 40 women had started using birth control pills.

The researchers found that, in general, the more pleasant a woman found a man's odor, the more desirable he was to her. But among women who began using birth control pills, the definition of a sexy odor changed over time.

"The results showed that the preferences of women who began using the contraceptive pill shifted towards men with genetically similar odors," Roberts said in a written statement.

If the sense of smell is in fact a strong player in humans' mate choices, the researchers write, birth control pills just might nudge a woman toward a less-than-ideal man.

"Not only could MHC-similarity in couples lead to fertility problems," Roberts said, "but it could ultimately lead to the breakdown of relationships when women stop using the contraceptive pill, as odor perception plays a significant role in maintaining attraction to partners."

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You are a woman. You are married to a man. You have just come to the realization you are a lesbian. What now? One of the biggest and earliest dilemmas women in your situation face (and there are a lot of women in your situation) is whether or not to tell their husbands. It would be nice if there were a simple yes or no answer to this question, but there is not.

Whether to tell or not depends on several circumstances. First, have you decided in your heart that a divorce is in your future? People get divorced for all sorts of reasons and your decision may be based on many factors other than your sexual orientation. But when a spouse discovers his partner is homosexual, that instantly becomes the prime focus for blame. It's an easy target and one that absolves your husband of any responsibility for the relationship. In addition, spouses have an especially hard time getting past the fact that their wife is gay. They generally feel betrayed and "made a fool of," which makes it hard for them to move forward.

You will need to examine your relationship and consider several factors. For instance, there may be a religious component involved. Is your husband a fundamentalist (Christian, Muslim or Orthodox Jew)? If so, and especially if there are to be child custody issues involved, you may choose to keep your orientation to yourself. Your husband my receive a lot of support from his religious organization and family in fighting you for custody. Depending on the region you live in, the courts may side in his favor.

Does your husband have an explosive temper? If you have been abused in the past, imparting this information will just add unnecessary fuel to his already-out-of-control fire. In this case, it is best just to leave the household, no explanations needed. That goes even if you are NOT a lesbian!

Has your husband exhibited revengeful behavior in the past? If you know you are planning a divorce, do not hand him a tool to use against you, especially if you have experimented with your sexuality outside the marriage. Although most divorces are no-fault these days, there still exists divorce for just cause in many states. A divorce under such a circumstance will cost you heavily when it comes to a financial settlement determination.

So if you are planning on a divorce, should you ever tell your husband? Yes, this may be an option if your husband is open-minded, if he is your "best friend," or if you simply cannot live with yourself by keeping this a secret. Many times after the initial shock, spouses will understand the dilemma you face and actually become supportive of you. With time, education and (usually) counseling or coaching, a spouse will come to understand of the social pressures and circumstances that led to your decision to marry. Many women did not even realize they were lesbian when they tied the knot! And most lesbians who do marry do so out of love, even if it is a love built out of respect and friendship rather than passion.

Now, what if you are planning to stay in the marriage, or are not sure? Should you tell your husband? I will assume if you are reading this article, you are searching for information on this topic. If so, you are probably experiencing some inner conflict surrounding your sexual orientation and your role as a wife. Ask yourself if this conflict has been growing over the past year or two? Is it sustainable? Do you expect the conflict to end or to continue to grow? If you feel your sexual orientation is not that important to who you are and to your authenticity, it may be possible to acknowledge it internally and move on without disrupting your life.

For the majority of women in this situation, that will not be the case. Many times women keep this information to themselves too long, processing and integrating alone and in silence. If there is a possibility to save the marriage (and yes, couples do opt this) it is beneficial to tell your husband earlier rather than later. in this way you can problem solve and explore solutions together. You and he will have an opportunity to process this reality together over a period of time. You can contact others in the same situation for support and ideas. You can attend counseling or coaching together.

If you are married and discovering you are a lesbian, you are in a difficult situation. There are no easy answers. You must examine where you are, where you want to be and decide on the best way to achieve your goals. If this means keeping private information private, then do so. If telling your spouse will benefit you or both of you, then by all means do so. However, if your motivation to tell is driven by guilt, keep in mind the playing field is not an even one. Laws and social attitudes are always stacked against us as homosexuals. You do not need to feel an obligation to tell personal information about yourself if it will be used against you.

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The Institute of Marriage is not to be entered into lightly. A marriage is about longevity, not about a weekend fling. It should not be entered into with thoughts of, "oh, if it doesn't work out, we can always get a divorce". It is an institution of love, commitment, respect and understanding. This means that excess emotional baggage, which includes childhood issues, past relationship issues and adult insecurities should be worked through before taking that final leap into a committed marriage.

As a thirty-one year old single woman, there has not been one single moment with a guy that I have not been asked, "So, why are you still single"? My answer, "Because I choose to be". The reply always throws them off guard, because they are waiting to hear a response along the lines of, "I haven't found Mr. Right", or "All good men are either married or gay". But these men are never prepared to hear that a woman is single because she chooses to be. We live in an era where Sex and the City reigns and the plight of the single woman seeking Mr. Big, I mean, Mr. Right is analyzed to bits. While I will be the first to admit that the show is one of my guilty pleasures, it does portray single women in a negative light. Why can't women be successful and chose to be single at the same time without being in a rush to get married and have a bunch of babies? As popular as the show was, it failed to portray women as being happily single. Samantha was the closest. Of course, this is the kind of woman that most men will not marry. Why? She is not wife material. Instead, they want the woman who is anxious or maybe desperate to get married and have babies. That is an insecure man.

Unfortunately, these women are the ones that will often fall into the statistics of having been cheated on by their husbands. They were so driven to get married and start a family that they did not take the time to really get to know their partners. As a result, important emotional issues were over-looked. Some of these men were taught that it's ok to have a wife at home while having a few women on the side and as long the wife doesn't find out, then it's ok. Maybe they witnessed their father cheating on their mother in the same manner and they grew up thinking that if Dad did it then it must be ok. A lot of times these men grow up being disgusted by their father's behaviour, but felt powerless to do anything about it.

Having a committed partner is more desirable than a partner who will be faithful, because, women if your partner is committed to you, he will also be faithful. But how do you ensure that he will be committed? You will know this through honest and direct communication. Ask the hard questions, do not leave any stone unturned. This is going to be your life long partner, you need to know every thing there is to know. There should only be inconsequential surprises during the actual marriage. Work through your emotional baggage before you enter into a relationship. That way you will be more receptive to red flags that signal a deeper emotional issue. This is not to say that you won't have emotional issues, but the issues should be the ones that can only be worked through while you are in a relationship because that is the only place where you will realize that you do have some left-over, unresolved issues.

Many women and men are afraid of being alone. Yet, this is very important if we want to choose a proper mate. Get to know yourself first. If you do not spend some time alone with yourself, then how will you know who you are? How will you know your likes and dislikes? Furthermore, how are you going to try and get to know someone else if you do not know yourself, much less marry that person? That is a recipe for infidelity, because the relationship was not based on a solid foundation.

Women, fall in love with yourself first before falling in love with someone else. Be committed to your personal growth and your personal welfare. Spend some quality time with yourself. Take yourself out on a date, travel to some exotic location by yourself or just simply stay home and be comfortable doing so. By working on your relationship with yourself, you can then begin to work on a relationship with someone else, who has personal integrity, respect for himself and respect for you. When you are committed to your life, you develop an inherent respect for yourself, an independence that will prove to be a strong elixir not for Mr. Right, but for your perfect lifetime partner. And because of your commitment to yourself, not only is he committed to himself, he will step into your life and be committed to you and only you.

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I am a man and not in any way perfect, I feel compelled to offset the general rumors about our short-comings and write for all men that strive for perfection, myself included. In order to uncover the perfect man, one must first have a basic checklist. Assuming this article is directed more toward women than men, I'll begin with their perspective. Please note that the following criteria is in no particular order of importance. So here are some, if not all qualifications to be the perfect man.

1. Be a good listener: It's not about YOU, it's about everyone else. Take the time to understand what is being said and allow the person to speak their mind without interruptions. You men will find that this is easier said than done.
2. Be sympathetic: Also empathetic. After hearing what is said, try to recap and play back the important thoughts while putting yourself in their position. Try not to be too judgmental. Tap into your emotional side.
3. Be affectionate. Again, this is for your significant other. A hug, a kiss, or a touch for no apparent reason other than to acknowledge that you care, can do wonders. Don't forget the. "I love you," as well. And remember, it's not all about sex.
4. Be sexy and romantic: Okay, sometimes it's all about sex. Being sexy can be about romance, like candle-lit dinners that YOU make, surprise outings or vacations and other ways to set the mood. Then ask her what she likes you to do to her and go for it.
5. Fix or repair stuff: You know; the broken toilet seat, the pealing paint on the front door, or the leaning shelf. Take the time to make you home a safe place for her and the kids. If you're not handy, learn to be or hire a handyman. Either way, demonstrate that you care about your habitat.
6. Be on time: Keep that appointment or date. Check your watch and calendar. If anything, be early if you can. Being on time is another way to indicate that she's important to you. If you're always late, it just looks like you are a control freak, and that's not good. Timeliness is good trait.
7. Dress nicely: Fine, you like to lounge around in that ten-year-old football shirt and tattered shorts. But try to look nice most of the time. Toss the holy clothes and update the wardrobe. Let her buy outfits for you that she would like to see you in. And then keep them clean. No one likes sweaty shirts or pants. No one.
8. Go shopping: That means with her and for her. Take an occasional trip to the supermarket. Because she's a woman doesn't make her the local errand girl. If you're out of beer or milk, surprise her by shopping on the way home. And don't avoid the mall. She might enjoy your company and your advice on the things she buys. It's quality time together. Which brings us to,
9. Spend more time together: Not just in front of the television. Take her out for a nice dinner or the movies. Plan a surprise weekend retreat away from the kids. Sign up for yoga classes or dance lessons. Try baking a cake together or any hobby or craft project. Be a couple, even at home.
10. Be kind, thoughtful, and generous: Whether it's the way you treat the family dog, your mother-in-law, or that obnoxious neighbor, try to be more forgiving or more tolerant. If your wife spends too much, suggest getting more things on sale rather than cutting her off. Involve her in the budget and make her an economic partner. Be the best person you can be.

There are just ten ways to be a better man. Those of you reading this can probably come up with enough others to fill a file cabinet. But this article was intended to get you thinking. That's fair and a good place to start. But I might suggest that you pick just one of these to begin with and work on that until it is mastered. That might just be the perfect way to create that perfect man.

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why must you insult yourselves? not good , rather u can contact me personally. if the need be?
am HARRISON DENZEL.
TEL 07027456301.OR denzel_harrison@yahoo.com

Do you often feel that you are an outsider?

Do you sometimes look at people you supposedly know well and have the disconcerting impression that you don't know them at all, that they are strangers? Do you from time to time feel apart from others?

If so, you are experiencing some degree of alienation. It is distressing to be alienated. And alienation is an important factor in loneliness. It is next to impossible to be alienated and simultaneously free from the burden of loneliness. Alienation and loneliness go together like two sides of the same coin.

But you don't have to be a ship without a sail. With the 5 strategies presented below, you can take a stand against the destructive waves of alienation and loneliness.

1) Reject the Idea That You Are Powerless and Helpless

If you approach alienation from a "poor me" attitude, you can't overcome it. Self-pity will only make the problem worse. It is important to realize that, from the psychological point of view, you are never completely powerless. And you are never completely helpless. You need to assert that you have a free will, that you are an autonomous human being capable of making real choices. You need to believe that you have the ability to neutralize those emotional factors that contribute to alienation. This is a very important first step.

2) Looking for the Best in Other Members of a Group

We are social creatures. We have a deep need to make contact at both a cognitive and an emotional level with others. This need tends to be satisfied by group identification. We see ourselves as belonging to a family, a club, an organization, and so forth. This sense of belonging is undermined when we become critical of certain features of the group.

We tend to magnify faults and minimize good points. Make an effort to reverse this process. Look for the best features in members of a group and it will undercut the process leading toward alienation.

3) Seek to Identify with Social Groups That Reflect the Values of the Larger Culture

A social group, for example: a club, an organization, or a church congregation - functions much like a family. If you identify with the group, its interests and its values become your own. If you identify with a group that is traditional, you will have no problems. Not only will you acquire the sense of belongingness that is antagonistic to alienation, you will also be at peace with the general society.

But what if you identify with a gang, a cult or a secret society that is at odds with the larger culture? You will overcome alienation to some extent, but when the deviant group runs into a harsh clash with the larger culture, as it often does, your fortunes will be tied to it. If your only lifeboat is sinking, you will go down with it.

So pick a group carefully. For your own protection, make sure that it fits into the general society in some meaningful way.

4) If You Have Fallen Away From Traditional Values, Reconsider Them

One of the ways in which we overcome alienation is by heart-felt acceptance of traditional values.

What are traditional values? In an individual case, a person doesn't have to search very far. You were probably taught a set of values by your family. And most families reflect the principal values of the larger culture. In the main, these are obvious: Be a responsible adult, accept the teachings of your religion, have respect for your partner, and so forth. Traditional values are so obvious that they are almost invisible, and, as a consequence, it is easy to lose sight of them.

5) If You Are Having a Conflict With Someone You Once Loved, Take Steps to Effect a Reconciliation

Perhaps you are on the outs with a person or persons you once loved or cared about. You may have a parent, a brother, a sister, an old friend, or someone else that you haven't talked to in months or years. Maybe an old grudge has been keeping you apart. If the rip in the fabric of your relationship is experienced as a kind of nagging unpleasantness in your existence, it may be time to work on patching things up. Even if you have been alienated for quite a while, it is quite possible that it's not too late to reconnect.

Alienation doesn't have to be endured. You can overcome alienation by using the self-directed strategies presented above. They are practical, and they will be effective.

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