₦airaland Forum

Acidosis:
She has used the word 'virginity' severally, and I'm beginning to read different meanings to her concern.

On her path, she feels the fact that she married the man a virgin is enough for her husband to trust her (even if she interacts with men clandestinely)!

As a matter of fact, her 'virginity' status is the reason the husband is overly guiding his wife jealously.

To end this whole drama, @OP, continue to give him reasons to trust you. A time will come when his insecurity will end. At the moment, you've given him too many reasons to distrust you, e.g. threatening everyone with your rich customers & qualification. No man loves competition.

The best way to win the heart of your man is to love him more. More love 'baby', love him more, make him trust you more, and 'kill' him with more love.

That I mentioned my rich customers here does not mean I threatened him with them. Don't get me wrong please. I have never mentioned another man to him in an argument. But I do tell him he shouldn't have come to me when he knew he couldn't trust me.
I even got some gifts from a female customer a while ago and I pretended like I bought them lest he thinks otherwise.
Neither have I flaunted my qualifications. I would damn the qualifications to make what he is currently making monetarily.

Acidosis:
Show him this thread.

Thanks but no thanks.

armyofone:
Cheated on you and still playing reverse psychology on you
If you don't have a child, biko find your way. What hassles!!
Not minor my friend, by the time he is done (just getting started), you will know South Pole is far from Africa.
He disrespected your marriage from the onset. Una dey try o.

Yes we are trying. What else is there to do but try?
He disrespected it but I got to know after the wedding....

bukatyne:
Your husband sounds insecured.

What do you think is feeding it?

I see you mentioned you have more qualifications however he earns more.

In what area do you think you are better than him?

Funny enough, I don't think I am better than him in any way. I love the academic line and when there was no job forthcoming, I went back to school.
Eventually I got this job.

But his kind of job is one even a PhD would jump at. He is very well paid. And the job is also very secure. Unlike mine which the pay is very OK but you could get sacked anytime. I am not optimistic that I will last this year at work sef. With the economy and all...

johnson232:
who asked u whether u got higher qualification or not?
u think everyone on here is a robot?
why would your husband accuse u if your call wasn't suspicious?
why didn't u give him your phone if u had nothing to hide? or u want him to feel jealous because he once cheated on u?
keep on destroying your marriage... and i must say your post is riddled with rudeness and arrogance... why bringing up how some rich customer approach u and all that? thought u got married to your husband because u loved him?

disrespectful wife, that is what u are, even in the presence of guests, u couldn't pretend to be respectful? i sorry for u....

I don't need your pity. You can go to hell and burn to ashes.

NL1960:
Is your husband also a graduate and does he work?.

Please I requested not to be quoted.
Kindly delete my original post that you quoted. Thanks.

Acidosis:
Hmmn, I understand that feeling. Insecurity is a serious issue.

Make him realize the effects of insecurity. Make him realize you'd eventually cheat if he continues to monitor you like CCTV.

How do I make him realize? I don't feel like he listens...

dahaz:
Am curios.why dont you want your husband to have access to yourphones? is there something you are hiding from him?

In your own intrest i will advice you to do anything that will make your marriage work.

I used to be very open with my phone till he took my phone and called my friend of so many years and accused him of dating me. A guy I don't talk to anymore as we've all grown up and are busy with our various lives. Just because he sent me an innocent birthday text message. He embarrassed me through and through with that singular action. My friend was shocked and was very sorry for me.

Acidosis:
This is a very minor issue oooo

This is something many people face at least once in their boyfriend-girlfriend relationships. Do not let it degenerate into something else.

Deep down, your husband knows you did not cheat on him. The boyfriend accusations and all wasn't real. Only a word from you on how much you love him would have done the magic.

He's insecure given the fact that he has once cheated on you. If you really love him and want your marriage to work, reassure him of your love, and re-ignite your love.

This is a none issue. At least 9 out of 10 people have once snooped on their partners' phone! If giving him your phone would make your marriage work (please do it).

I wish it was a non issue.
I have reassured and reassured. He met me a Virgin what else can I do?
I can't give him my phone. Everyone sees me for who I am except him. If he has chosen not to see, that's his loss.

Ioannes:
well, keep on standing up to him. definitely tell your parents and his parents in case he decides to stab you.

suggest counselling. and don't get pregnant for him just yet in case he wants out of the marriage, unless that's the reason he is behaving weirdly, lack of children yet.

let all the elders from both families call a crucial family meeting on his head. that way he will know you are damn serious and whatever animosity between you two can be thrashed in the open since you guys can't talk to each other like adults.

a covered sore never heals.

I've just told my mum. She blamed me for not telling her the moment it happened as she has been asking me why I am down and also said a proverb that " you can't chew a porcupine in silence".
For his family, I can't really talk to them.
Thank you.

bukatyne:
What's wrong with telling your hubby everything you want to do?

Because when I gave him an inch by doing that, he took a mile. He will call me and start shouting that I lied about where I said I would be going. Or start shouting that I should give the person I'm with my phone so he can confirm.
Or say I am beginning to go to the tailors place too often, for example.
So I do what I want to do and tell him what he needs to know. The one he doesn't, I keep to myself. When he starts acting up by calling and asking where I am. I cut the phone.

soopamom:
Continue standing up to him. Plus you obviously haven't forgiven him. You need to ask yourself what you really want...a renewed marriage or you want out. Give him your terms and conditions including that he must learn to treat you with more respect.

I don't know if I have forgiven him but it's something we moved past.
I don't mind a renewed marriage but it takes two to tango.

delishpot:
Well then, tell him if things don't change, you may be forced to leave the marriage, cost you believe marriage is to be enjoyed in love and harmony and not endured. Make sure you let his family know what is going by on o. Because tomorrow now, they will stand with ness and say their son was not like you are portraying him to be. Instead of reporting him to your dad, call his mom and dad and ask them to please help you talk to him and inform your parents of the steps you are taking.
If after his family speak with him he still doesn't change then you decide what is beat for you. If you can sit there and endure as many naija men expect their women to do, then so be it.. . If you decide it's best to give him time to change while you focus on work and kids, then so be it. If you decide that it is just a passing phase and he would change then so be it. But what ever you do, don't act like a desperate woman, don't insult him or his family, don't push him to become aggressive and don't hit or hurt him. Marriage is not by force, if you can't endure leave, forget all what you sacrificed in the union same for him too. If it starts taking a violent dimension abeg RUN

All in all, since this is the first time it is happening, I would say he prolly is going through some shitty situation and it would serve you best if you let him n know that you are there for him but you are not going to be his emotional toy at this point in time. When he needs a shoulder to cry, be there when he starts kicking and throwing tantrums walkout and go do some chore or hobby. I hope and pray things return to normal soon

Thank you.
But this is not the first time this is happening.
He is going through some things but even when he is not going through anything, the story is the same.

NL1960:
Is your husband also a graduate and does he work?.

Yes he is a graduate but I have higher qualifications.

Though he has a very good job and he makes a lot of money. Much more than I make.

delishpot:
Call him and have a heart to heart talk with him. Donyvstart out in an abusive or defensive way. Just sit him down no begging like a trapped robber. Just calmly and clearly in a dignified way tell him you do not find this his attitude appealing for a married couple. He has to stop and change his ways. If he doesn't change, leave that marriage(do not think that having a child would change him, it would be only worsen your case). Since you married a toy boy, try to tell him step by step detail of all you are doing, if you want shit.... let him know, if you mess.....let him know, if you are going to Call someone, let him know before you even do those things.
Because if you guys don't work on it, one day you may insult him as usual and he slaps you and walks out and then cones to the press to say you called your BF in front of him. And kids on NL will support him and call you a who're and say you deserved to die. Learn from other people who took such issues lightly.

I have tried talking to him but he has refused to change.
I can't be living like a prisoner telling him everything I'm going to be doing. I did that before and things only became worse as he got more and more bold. Then I would cry and beg but he only became worse.
Its gotten better now that I stand up to him.

.

Mrbigman1:
Just let him quit by his self.
Dnt push him to even leaving d house to do it cos it's gonna be worst.
Continue begging him for health sake.

Honestly if not for anything, Then for his health...mentally and physically....

Yomieluv:
don't be hard on him if you eventually found out,cos that might make him more careful in hiding it..

just take it easy on him,and tell him your aversion for cigarettes and its danger to health,himself and you if the complications arises.

#sigh
OK oo
Thank you

StPete:
Your actions would definitely turn me into a bigger liar OP if I were your husband.

You make it seem like smoking is death sentence and that’s the reason he wants to shield it from you.
Act like it’s nothing or soft-peddle on it and he would definitely come out clean.


ALSO,
You’re lucky he smokes (at least that’s the only bad thing you can associate with him) cos I hear any man who doesn’t drink, smoke, or womanize tends to be ‘woman beaters’ or highly vindictive fellows

I don't believe I am making it seem a death sentence. I asked him calmly. And I didn't over react. Though as expected, I was unhappy and taken aback. But I don't nag/didn't nag. I brought up the topic a few times last evening and it was same answer always. Didn't throw tantrums or issue ultimatums as the case would be if I were to make it seem a death sentence.

He is acting this way Because he knows I might not like it. And he said he has to keep some secrets to make himself Happy. That Because if I know, I won't be Happy and Then he won't be Happy.
Still undecided about How I feel about that statement....

Mrbigman1:
Op, u sound like a love bird and am happy.

Let him be, spy on him on a day he least expects u to.
Dnt argue with ur man cos he smokes, u can wait for a time when u know his so happy around u, ask him with a low tune as if u wanna cry, just tell him to let u know what's going on around him dat u Wnt shout.

Beg him, den when he tell u he still dose, den ask him why he still dose, plead with him to find a way to quit.

As for people who thinks they can't quit, I have quit smoking and drinking and not for a woman sake or relationship or religious shake but I had to tell my self d truth, it's an opium.
It's not a rush stop thing, dnt give him reason to quit, just beg him to find reason his self to do so, u dnt wanna come in-between.

A friend had a serious fight with his wife over same issue and d wife was so agitated and he told her to leave his house.

She never knew when he started and what caused it den she just wanna change a man. I had to leave my house mid nyt to go settle quarrel.

We resolved on him doing it and hiding it from the kids but me, anytime I tell him to find time to quit, he gets angry.

We used to smoke together, packs of Benson everyday and wraps of warri igbo which is bind blowing daily or we Wnt sleep well but now his always alone and doing mine and his in combo.

Just find out to confirm first, den u flow well with him.

The thing is that I'm starting work again while he will have more time on his hands. I'll only be at home at night. By Then he would have finished all the do- ables during the day.
But he and I know What he did, Because he denied this smoking in a guilty/bashful way, unlike the way an innocent man would protest.

emilyone:
This one is Strong's oh

How come you never noticed he smokes all the while you guys were dating?

LDR. During Which he did most of the visiting.
And I'm incredibly busy, sometimes spending 13 hours at work.
It is not an excuse But cannot recall really sniffing this smoke scent or Maybe it just didn't register in my brain.
Moreover, was more watchful for womanising and partying. Non of Which he does....

Besides, We were more boxed up Then for expensive perfumes and toothpaste, without the stress that getting married has placed on our finances.
These May have concealed the tell tale evidence. As he uses a simple Cologne now. And Because I'm currently off work, I have closer bodily contact with him than just chatting or talking on the phone.

Young03:
and u want to tell me dat u neva know he was a chain smoker before u married him

sister confront him

No, I didn't know. He told me he used to But had stopped.

BlackMaria:
I smoke weed,but I will never allow my woman know,I smoke.
I think,that is what ur Man is doing,only dat u gat a sharp nose to perceive.
Try to spy on him nd catch him 1day.

Wow!
The thing is, the moment I open the door, our dogs would run up to me jumping and barking, giving him the time to cover up his tracks before I get to the back where he is.

Ahmed0336:
Chai!!!! some people sabi advice o. OP talk to him maybe he might see reasons to stop. if smoking persist FAST AND PRAY.

#sigh
I didn't know fasting and praying will start this early o, to break a bad habit. When there are so Many things to pray and fast for....

I appreciate your advice, Thank you.

^ Seriously?

We're a new/young couple and I sort of noticed my husband goes to the backyard a lot, 'to hang out with our dogs' as he puts it.

He goes there with a bottle of alcohol mostly and I sort of give him space to do his thing, as I don't like sitting out in the heat and all, with the dogs clambering all over me and licking me.

Then some days ago, he got in and stepped around me to go shower and I smelt cigarette on his cloths. I asked him and he said it was the guy he called to work at the backyard who was smoking. And that he stopped him immediately he saw him.
I still reprimanded my husband Because I know a worker cannot just come and smoke in your compound, if you've not given him reasons to believe he can do so without consequence.

Then yesterday, he came in from the yard again and when he kissed me, the smell was unmistakable. It was cigarette and this time he had been alone in the yard with the dogs,except if he was going to say it was the dogs that did it.
What am I saying sef. The smokey stench was on his breathe ni.

He has been denying it But now, a lot of things that didn't add up are just falling into place.

1. When We went to stay at his mum's empty apartment one time, I saw a pack of cigarette with two sticks left on the dining table. He had been there all day before taking me there and had told me one of the boys staying with mum must have left it. Infact, he talked about the cigarette like it was rubbish.
But I know the boys staying with her would never disrespect her like that. But then I just believed Because she was ill and I assumed the boys had taken that opportunity to loosen up.

2. His shirt blew up in the breeze one time and I saw a green lighter tucked in his pocket. I thought it was Because We were cleaning the house and he found the lighter and didn't want to lose it.

3. He does the same disappearing act into the yard wherever We are, once there's a courtyard. Even when there are No dogs. I never thought I needed to be snooping or checking up on him....

As it is, I don't know What to do. It's the lies that hurt me the most. If he would be open, Then We would think of the way forward.

And to top it off, he eats with a very healthy appetite, Which is unusual for a smoker from What I've read. And this makes me very scared that What he smokes might be much more than cigarettes. Or Maybe I'm only being paranoid.

Your urgent advice is needed Please as these are the very early stages of our marital relationship.

No front page Please.

I really need help. I met my boyfriend a couple of years ago. He was a struggling young man Then. He did things hustling young men do like Hopping on bikes, and playing the occasional football game.

We had a period when We broke up But We are now back together and are in a very very serious relationship.

My boyfriend is very comfortable now, and has some modest investments too. With all the trappings a woman could Wish for. He treats me nicely, he proudly introduces me as his woman to all and sundry. He is not perfect But he loves me and is very much attracted to me.

The issue however is his weight. I am not comfortable with it at all. I thought it was something We could handle easily But I recently noticed his eating habits are out of control. Maybe this wouldnt have mattered if he exercises but he hardly walks, rather he drives everywhere.

He is always chewing, munching, sipping, drinking, licking, cracking or gnawing something. As in, his mouth is always moving.

I am concerned not just about the physical ramifications of this But the health ones too. Apart from the fact that he looked better at the former weight, I have started noticing some health related stuff he never used to have (I don't want to mention What exactly ).

Please How do I handle this and How do I put it to him in a way I won't hurt his feelings?

It's just so amazing How people feel they have the right to call me names, to point hands in self righteous anger. So How are you any different from my 'abusive' self?

You would rather see the cup as half empty than half full. You would rather fester in the details of the past than what is going on now. If men were God...I wonder what would happen.

Maybe you people should leave some of your studies on abuse and pore over the True meaning of being sadistic and vindictive.
#sigh

Will be trying this.

chaircover: You are a very lucky woman to have gotten a second chance & his not mentioning you in his thesis should be the last thing on your mind right now. You have said it yourself that you didnt really do much to support him whilst he was in school, so he will be lying if he put your name on it.

The guy sounds like someone with principles and even though this principle hurts you now, you will see the advantages of this quality in the future.

What you should be doing is working hard to get him to trust you with his feelings/life again. It will take time, but if you have truly learnt from your mistakes and are genuingly making amends, then with time, he should begin to appreciate you in his life again.
Truly be his number one fan and he will acknowledge and appreciate you

If you do feel deep in you that he hasnt really forgiven you and he is being deliberatly malicious, then do have a heart to heart chat with him.

Thank you!

@bukatyne

It's bound and copies have been signed by both supervisors and HOD. I think What's left is for the Dean to sign.

His second supervisor did not support him even. I don't want to talk about what happened. He was mentioned though.

It hurts sha. But I just look at it that Maybe It's cause he was virtually through when we made up. We broke up like eight months into the program.

@all
Thank you all for your inputs.

It's not like I feel he has to acknowledge me just Because. Truth is that I am more worried about the motive. Is he beginning to have the mentality of what has She done for me? Or what did She do for me?

Inspite of what I wrote in my first post, things were not bad all the time. We had some pretty good times too and we loved each other.

If we could go two years in time, I'd remedy things. Not to get a mention, But to show him that what is important to him is to me too. Truth is I am proud of what he has achieved. The day he told me about his struggle to finish and the stress of squeezing time against all odds, How he almost missed his flight for the defence and How he felt when he was graded an A, I felt very proud of him.

The work is already submitted, what is done is done.