₦airaland Forum

Vicky, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a jeweller's shop in Connaught Place, Delhi.

The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'

Vicky thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave 'To my one and only love'.'

The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'

Vicky retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'

dani1luv:
:d

U?

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.NA MAILMAN BORN

The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: 'Tylenol.'

'Very good! And what is it used for?'

'It is used for headache.'

The second pupil said: 'Nytol'

'Excellent. And what it is used for?'

'To help you sleep.'

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra'

'Johnny, what is it used for?'

'I think it can be used for diarrhea.'

'Who told you this?'

'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father, 'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.'

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was, God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Abu Zola:
Bad joke

D JOKE IS OK, U R D BAD POSTER, which 1 u put, i 4 slap u sef

IN YOUR OWN INTEREST:


No matter the position you are offered in ANY organization

if your deputy is named "goodluck" , please decline,



even if it is UN SEC GEN OR HEAD OF THE AFRICAN UNION

in your own interest decline o,

in case you think am joking:


- goodluck was assistant head boy in pry school, the head boy got expelled, he took over

- goodluck was assistant senior prefect in secondary school, the senior prefect died, goodluck took over

- goodluck was deputy local govt chairman, the chairman got implicated in corruption and got removed from office, goodluck took over

- goodluck was deputy governor to alameiseigha, we all know that story

- goodluck was vice to yar adua : PERICADIATIS!


you may say its coincidence, na you know …!!!

a friend of mine just called off his church wedding, why? his bestman was named goodluck

he is insisting that all that will occur is traditional wedding,

i don talk my own……….!!!


GOOD LUCK!

Do all the good you can
By all the means you can
As long as ever you can

hey

[s]

justwise:
@rocean

How much have u made so far 4urself?

[/s][b][/b]


THANK U JO

ANSWER NA 41 -10

My Two Brothers

An Irish man walks into a pub. The barman asks him, "what are ya drinking?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the barman brings him three pints and the man begins to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more pints.

The barman says, "Now, I know you like them cold but don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on your drink and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh one."

The Irish man says, "Its not that. You see I have two brothers, one in France and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Friday night we'd still drink a pint together. So right now, my brothers have three pints too, and we're drinking together as a family.

The barman thought that was a great thing to do.
Every week the man came in and ordered three pints of beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two pints.
He drank them down and then ordered two more.
The barman said to him, "I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers must have died."

The man said, "Oh, my brothers are fine----I'm just on the wagon."
________________________________________

Driving Home Drunk

An Irishman who had way too much to drink is driving home from Cork one night and his car is weaving all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "Sir," said the cop, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub of course," replies the drunk.

"Sir," says the cop, "it appears like you've had a lot to drink tonight." "I did all right," the drunk mumbles with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that a mile back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank goodness," slurs the drunk.
"For a minute, I thought I'd gone deaf."
________________________________________
Stopped For Speeding

An Irish priest is driving to West Chicago and gets stopped for speeding near O'Hare Airport. The cop can smell alcohol on the priest's breath and sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the back seat. He says,
"Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," said the priest.
The cop says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks back at the wine bottle and says,
"Oh My Lord! He's done it again!"
________________________________________

The Wife

O'Malley walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a small jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks were gone, the Irishman started to get up to leave.

"Can I asked you something?," said a customer, who was confused over what O'Malley had done. "What was that all about with the jar and the olives?"

"Oh," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
________________________________________
The Devil

John O'Leary came home drunk every evening around eleven.
Of Course, the Wife was not too happy about it.
One night she hides in the graveyard and plans to scare the heck out of him.
As John staggers by, she jumps out from behind a tombstone in a red devil costume yelling, "John O'Leary, sure if you don't give up drinking it's off to Hell I'll take ya'".
John staggered back and asked, "Who the hell are YOU?".
Too that the Wife replied, "I'm the devil you damned old drunk".
To which O'Leary responded,
"Well glad to meet you, I'm married to your sister."
________________________________________
Drunk Needs a Push Joke
A man is in bed with his wife when there is bang on the door. He turns over and looks at his alarm clock, and it's four in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time at 4am," he thinks to himself, and puts his head back down on the pillow. Then, a louder bang follows.
"Aren't you going to answer the door?" asks his wife.
So he pulls himself out of bed and walks down the stairs. He opens up the door and there is man standing on the porch. It was plain to see the man was drunk.
"Hello," slurs the man outside. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, go away. It's four in the morning. I was in bed asleep," said the man and slams the door shut. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night our car broke down in the rain on the way to my mothers and you had to knock on some man's house to get our car started again? What would have happened if he'd told you to get lost??"
"But this guy is drunk," said the husband.
"It doesn't matter if he's drunk," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do." So the husband gets back out of bed, gets dressed and goes back down the stairs.
He opens up the door, and he can't see the stranger anywhere so he shouts, "Hey, do you still need a push??"
And he hears a voice say, "Yes, please."
He still can't see the stranger so he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger responds, "I'm over here, on the swing."

!@yommydike

interesting

Addiction Humor
You ever hear the one about the pothead that studied for five days for a urine test?
--------------------------------------------------------

Q. How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree? A. Wave
--------------------------------------------------------
A pothead walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell anything to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a month later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."
-----------------------------------------------------------

A burnout stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home.
One the way he bumps into a guy who’s all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the burnout and says "Call me an ambulance!" The burnout looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"
---------------------------------------------------------
A young woman was complaining about how her "time of the month" made her hungry. "I have the munchies, so it must be hormonal," she said. This guy overhearing her said, "That's funny, usually when I have the munchies, it's home-grown-al."
--------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt? A: A pot hole!
-------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a pothead that doesn't inhale? A. Mr. President.
----------------------------------------------------

The Pot Paradox: An empty bowl needs to be filled, a full bowl needs to be emptied!
----------------------------------------------------
A pothead is walking down the street one day and he meets a genie. "Today is your lucky day!" said the genie. "I'm going to give you two wishes. What will the first wish be?" The pothead thinks for a moment and then says, "I want a never-ending joint." So the genie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint. The hippie lights it up and starts puffing. After three hits the joint is still the same length. Next the genie says, ", And wish number two?" The pothead replies, "This is so cool man! I’ll have another one!"
----------------------------------------------------

A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the man at the counter, "Got any weed?" The man politely replied, "No sir. We do not sell marijuana here." So the stoner left.
The same stoner comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The man behind the counter, although somewhat annoyed, replied, "No sir. We don't sell marijuana." So the man went home.
The stoner returns again to the gas station later that day. And once more, he says to the man working there, "Got any weed?" By this time the gas station man was angry. He yells, "You stoned' refer-smoking', burn-out! I told you, we don't sell that stuff here! If you ever come back in here asking for weed again, I'll nail your feet to the floor. Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops." So the stoner left.
The next day the pothead went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and said, "Got any nails?" The man hesitated, then replied, " no sir, we don't sell nails here." The stoner grinned. "Got any weed?"
--------------------------------------------------------
There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question.
To he first he said "what was your biggest sin on earth?" and the man replied "Oh man I just love alcohol and being drunk man" so the devil showed the man to a room full of alcohol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.

To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied "oh man I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife man". So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of gorgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.

The third man's answer to the question was "oh man I just LOVE weed! Im high all the time man and I can't live without it!". The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud you've ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying "see you in 100 years".

100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man's room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess.
The devil opened the 2nd man's door and the man came running out of the room and cried "IM GAY! IM GAY!". Finally the devil came to the third man's room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked ; "hey man, got a light?"
-----------------------------------------------------
So two potheads have been charged with possession. The judge decides to be lenient on them and not give them any time if they spend the next 24 hours reforming drug users. They return to the courthouse the next day and the judge asks them how many people they've gotten off drugs. The first guy says, "Twenty-four!" "Amazing," says the judge! How'd you do it?" "Simple," says the pothead. "I just show them: 'O' - This is your brain; 'o' - this is your brain on drugs."
"Impressive," says the judge. Turning to the second pothead, he says, "And how did you do?" "Your honor, I saved 102 people from the bonds of the evil weed." "And how did you manage that?" "Kind of the same as the other guy, 'except I told people: 'o' - this is your butthole; 'O' - THIS is your butthole in prison.”
------------------------------------------------------

d joke is, confusing

ben-10 is a qualified, :oaddict

Marraige Counselor


A drug addict and his wife decide to go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor by herself. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 25 years, so what seems to be the problem with your marriage?"The wife responds, "It's my husband -- he's driving me insane! I'm going to leave him if he doesn't stop!" "How is he driving you crazy?" "For 25 years," she says, "he's been doing these annoying things. No matter where we go he's always looking at the floor. He's paranoid. It's embarrassing." The marriage counselor asks, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time!" "OK, anything else?" The wife pauses, "whenever we make love, he never lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be on top!" "Well," says the counselor, "I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and the husband steps in. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her insane. She might even divorce you." The husband looks very surprised, "Why? For 25 years I've been loving and kind and I've always given her what she needs! What could be the reason?" The counselor replies, "She says that you've got these annoying habits that are driving her wacko. First, you're always looking at the floor." The husband says, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father asked me to do on his deathbed and I swore I would." "What did he ask?" "He said that I should never step on any one's toes!" The counselor smiled, "Well, that just means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks surprised, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose." "Well, its another thing my father asked me to do! He asked me to always keep my nose clean." The counselor said, "That means that you should not be involved in anything illegal." "Oh my goodness," says the husband. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top while making love." "That," says the husband, "is the last thing my father asked me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important of all." "What did he ask?" The husband responded, "In his last breath, he said. Don't screw up."



A Fable


There was a fly speeding around a farm one day when he came upon a fresh pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since his last meal, he landed on it and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate more and more. Finally, he decided he had enough and tried to fly off. He had eaten too much though, and could not get airborne. As he looked around wondering what to do, he seen a pitchfork up against the wall. He climbed to the very top of the pitchfork handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be OK. Well, he was wrong and dropped to the ground, splatting when he hit the floor. Dead as dead could be. The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.



Go Figure!



Two men were sitting next to each other at a pub.

After a bit, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds, "Yes, I am from Ireland!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be from?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Galway."

The first guy responds, "And so am I! And what street did you live on in Galway?"

The other guy says, "I lived on Coach Street in the east part of town."

The first guy says, "So did I! And to what school did you attend?"

The other guy answers, "Well, I went to St. James."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "So did I. What year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1975."

The first guy says, "I can hardly believe our luck at ending up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. James's in 1975 as well."

About this time, another guy walks into the pub and asks for a whiskey. He asks the bartender, "Hows it going?"

The bartender says, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Callahan twins are drunk again."
Three Men Walk Into A Bar
Three men walk into a bar: a Greek, an Italian and an Irishman. Each man orders a beer. Three flys fly into the tavern and one fly lands in each man's drink.
The Italian man pulls the fly out of his beer, says "tutto 'e bene" (all is well)" and drinks the beer down.
The Greek man shows his beer with the fly still inside to the barman and asks for another beer.
The Irishman grabs the fly out of the beer, takes it by it's wings, while yelling
"Cough it up, you wee theivin' bastard!"




The Wife



A cop pulls over a speeding driver. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 85 miles per hour.' The driver says, 'My, officer I had it on cruise control at 55, is it possible your radar gun needs calibrating?' Not looking up from her reading the wife says: 'Now don't be coy honey, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' So the cop writes out the ticket, the man looks over at his wife and says, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut?' The wife smiles and says, 'you should have slowed down when your radar detector went off.' As the cop makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man looks at his wife and says, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut for a minute?' The officer glances around and says, 'I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt. That's an automatic $100 fine.' The driver says, 'Well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license and registration out of my wallet.' The wife responds, 'You know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt anymore when you're driving.' And as the cop is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and yells, 'WON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?' The cop looks over at the woman and asks, 'does your husband always talk to you like this, Ma'am?' The wife says, 'Only when he's been drinking.'



A Dying Mans Last Wish



A dying drug addict called his three best friends to his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $5,000 in cash. He made them promise that after his death and during his viewing, they would place the three envelopes in his casket. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy heaven. A few days later the man died. At the viewing, the three friends, each placed an envelope in the casket and said goodbye to their friend. These three men met again a few months later. The first friend, feeling overwhelmed, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $1,000 in the envelope he put in the casket. He thought, rather than waste all the money, he would spend it on a trip to Florida to buy cocaine. The next friend, moved by the confession of the first, said that he too had kept some of the cash for a fun party. His envelope, he fessed up, had only $800 in it. He said, he could not bring himself to waste the money when it could be used to have a high time. By this time the last friend, a pot head, spoke. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the casket contained the full amount. My envelope contained my personal check for the entire $5,000."

Marraige Counselor
A drug addict and his wife decide to go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor by herself. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 25 years, so what seems to be the problem with your marriage?"The wife responds, "It's my husband -- he's driving me insane! I'm going to leave him if he doesn't stop!" "How is he driving you crazy?" "For 25 years," she says, "he's been doing these annoying things. No matter where we go he's always looking at the floor. He's paranoid. It's embarrassing." The marriage counselor asks, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time!" "OK, anything else?" The wife pauses, "whenever we make love, he never lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be on top!" "Well," says the counselor, "I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and the husband steps in. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her insane. She might even divorce you." The husband looks very surprised, "Why? For 25 years I've been loving and kind and I've always given her what she needs! What could be the reason?" The counselor replies, "She says that you've got these annoying habits that are driving her wacko. First, you're always looking at the floor." The husband says, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father asked me to do on his deathbed and I swore I would." "What did he ask?" "He said that I should never step on any one's toes!" The counselor smiled, "Well, that just means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks surprised, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose." "Well, its another thing my father asked me to do! He asked me to always keep my nose clean." The counselor said, "That means that you should not be involved in anything illegal." "Oh my goodness," says the husband. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top while making love." "That," says the husband, "is the last thing my father asked me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important of all." "What did he ask?" The husband responded, "In his last breath, he said. Don't screw up."






A Fable
There was a fly speeding around a farm one day when he came upon a fresh pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since his last meal, he landed on it and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate more and more. Finally, he decided he had enough and tried to fly off. He had eaten too much though, and could not get airborne. As he looked around wondering what to do, he seen a pitchfork up against the wall. He climbed to the very top of the pitchfork handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be OK. Well, he was wrong and dropped to the ground, splatting when he hit the floor. Dead as dead could be. The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.




Go Figure!




Two men were sitting next to each other at a pub.

After a bit, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds, "Yes, I am from Ireland!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be from?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Galway."

The first guy responds, "And so am I! And what street did you live on in Galway?"

The other guy says, "I lived on Coach Street in the east part of town."

The first guy says, "So did I! And to what school did you attend?"

The other guy answers, "Well, I went to St. James."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "So did I. What year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1975."

The first guy says, "I can hardly believe our luck at ending up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. James's in 1975 as well."

About this time, another guy walks into the pub and asks for a whiskey. He asks the bartender, "Hows it going?"

The bartender says, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Callahan twins are drunk again."
Three Men Walk Into A Bar
Three men walk into a bar: a Greek, an Italian and an Irishman. Each man orders a beer. Three flys fly into the tavern and one fly lands in each man's drink.
The Italian man pulls the fly out of his beer, says "tutto 'e bene" (all is well)" and drinks the beer down.
The Greek man shows his beer with the fly still inside to the barman and asks for another beer.
The Irishman grabs the fly out of the beer, takes it by it's wings, while yelling
"Cough it up, you wee theivin' bastard!"




The Wife



A cop pulls over a speeding driver. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 85 miles per hour.' The driver says, 'My, officer I had it on cruise control at 55, is it possible your radar gun needs calibrating?' Not looking up from her reading the wife says: 'Now don't be coy honey, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' So the cop writes out the ticket, the man looks over at his wife and says, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut?' The wife smiles and says, 'you should have slowed down when your radar detector went off.' As the cop makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man looks at his wife and says, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut for a minute?' The officer glances around and says, 'I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt. That's an automatic $100 fine.' The driver says, 'Well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license and registration out of my wallet.' The wife responds, 'You know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt anymore when you're driving.' And as the cop is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and yells, 'WON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?' The cop looks over at the woman and asks, 'does your husband always talk to you like this, Ma'am?' The wife says, 'Only when he's been drinking.'



A Dying Mans Last Wish



A dying drug addict called his three best friends to his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $5,000 in cash. He made them promise that after his death and during his viewing, they would place the three envelopes in his casket. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy heaven. A few days later the man died. At the viewing, the three friends, each placed an envelope in the casket and said goodbye to their friend. These three men met again a few months later. The first friend, feeling overwhelmed, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $1,000 in the envelope he put in the casket. He thought, rather than waste all the money, he would spend it on a trip to Florida to buy cocaine. The next friend, moved by the confession of the first, said that he too had kept some of the cash for a fun party. His envelope, he fessed up, had only $800 in it. He said, he could not bring himself to waste the money when it could be used to have a high time. By this time the last friend, a pot head, spoke. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the casket contained the full amount. My envelope contained my personal check for the entire $5,000."

Marraige Counselor
A drug addict and his wife decide to go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor by herself. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 25 years, so what seems to be the problem with your marriage?"The wife responds, "It's my husband -- he's driving me insane! I'm going to leave him if he doesn't stop!" "How is he driving you crazy?" "For 25 years," she says, "he's been doing these annoying things. No matter where we go he's always looking at the floor. He's paranoid. It's embarrassing." The marriage counselor asks, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time!" "OK, anything else?" The wife pauses, "whenever we make love, he never lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be on top!" "Well," says the counselor, "I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and the husband steps in. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her insane. She might even divorce you." The husband looks very surprised, "Why? For 25 years I've been loving and kind and I've always given her what she needs! What could be the reason?" The counselor replies, "She says that you've got these annoying habits that are driving her wacko. First, you're always looking at the floor." The husband says, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father asked me to do on his deathbed and I swore I would." "What did he ask?" "He said that I should never step on any one's toes!" The counselor smiled, "Well, that just means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks surprised, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose." "Well, its another thing my father asked me to do! He asked me to always keep my nose clean." The counselor said, "That means that you should not be involved in anything illegal." "Oh my goodness," says the husband. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top while making love." "That," says the husband, "is the last thing my father asked me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important of all." "What did he ask?" The husband responded, "In his last breath, he said. Don't screw up."
A Fable
There was a fly speeding around a farm one day when he came upon a fresh pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since his last meal, he landed on it and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate more and more. Finally, he decided he had enough and tried to fly off. He had eaten too much though, and could not get airborne. As he looked around wondering what to do, he seen a pitchfork up against the wall. He climbed to the very top of the pitchfork handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be OK. Well, he was wrong and dropped to the ground, splatting when he hit the floor. Dead as dead could be. The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.
Go Figure!
Two men were sitting next to each other at a pub.

After a bit, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds, "Yes, I am from Ireland!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be from?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Galway."

The first guy responds, "And so am I! And what street did you live on in Galway?"

The other guy says, "I lived on Coach Street in the east part of town."

The first guy says, "So did I! And to what school did you attend?"

The other guy answers, "Well, I went to St. James."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "So did I. What year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1975."

The first guy says, "I can hardly believe our luck at ending up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. James's in 1975 as well."

About this time, another guy walks into the pub and asks for a whiskey. He asks the bartender, "Hows it going?"

The bartender says, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Callahan twins are drunk again."
Three Men Walk Into A Bar
Three men walk into a bar: a Greek, an Italian and an Irishman. Each man orders a beer. Three flys fly into the tavern and one fly lands in each man's drink.
The Italian man pulls the fly out of his beer, says "tutto 'e bene" (all is well)" and drinks the beer down.
The Greek man shows his beer with the fly still inside to the barman and asks for another beer.
The Irishman grabs the fly out of the beer, takes it by it's wings, while yelling
"Cough it up, you wee theivin' bastard!"
The Wife
A cop pulls over a speeding driver. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 85 miles per hour.' The driver says, 'My, officer I had it on cruise control at 55, is it possible your radar gun needs calibrating?' Not looking up from her reading the wife says: 'Now don't be coy honey, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' So the cop writes out the ticket, the man looks over at his wife and says, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut?' The wife smiles and says, 'you should have slowed down when your radar detector went off.' As the cop makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man looks at his wife and says, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut for a minute?' The officer glances around and says, 'I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt. That's an automatic $100 fine.' The driver says, 'Well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license and registration out of my wallet.' The wife responds, 'You know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt anymore when you're driving.' And as the cop is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and yells, 'WON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?' The cop looks over at the woman and asks, 'does your husband always talk to you like this, Ma'am?' The wife says, 'Only when he's been drinking.'
A Dying Mans Last Wish
A dying drug addict called his three best friends to his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $5,000 in cash. He made them promise that after his death and during his viewing, they would place the three envelopes in his casket. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy heaven. A few days later the man died. At the viewing, the three friends, each placed an envelope in the casket and said goodbye to their friend. These three men met again a few months later. The first friend, feeling overwhelmed, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $1,000 in the envelope he put in the casket. He thought, rather than waste all the money, he would spend it on a trip to Florida to buy cocaine. The next friend, moved by the confession of the first, said that he too had kept some of the cash for a fun party. His envelope, he fessed up, had only $800 in it. He said, he could not bring himself to waste the money when it could be used to have a high time. By this time the last friend, a pot head, spoke. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the casket contained the full amount. My envelope contained my personal check for the entire $5,000."

Today's jokes [1.27.10]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.


Two Polish guys went away on their annual hunting expedition, and
by accident one was shot by the other. His worried companion got
him out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearest
hospital.

"Well, Doc," he inquired anxiously, "is he going to make it?"

"It's tough," said the doctor. "He'd have a better chance if you
hadn't gutted him first."
1. Vote:
Category: Ethnic Send this joke to a friend





Q. Why do men name their joysticks?

A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who
makes all their decisions.

2. Vote:
Category: Men Send this joke to a friend





Here's one that my roommate and myself did to a residence buddy. One
morning (early) we taped together a bunch of sheets of newspaper to cover
the victims doorframe. Then taped this big sheet over the doorframe which
left a gap of about two or three inches between the sheet and the door.
Then we filled the gap with paper balls right to the top of the doorway.
When he opened the door he was showered with a barrage of paper balls (makes
a nice mess too!) Of course, the door has to swing in for this to work!

My roommate was (and is) rather inventive and can be quite nasty. He buttered
all of the toilet seats in our wing of the residence (fortunately told me
first). He also buttered doorknobs at one point. We wrapped celophane over
the toilet bowl then replaced the seat: this one can be really messy!

Try this: hang a shower curtain out a window. When the person below reaches
out and pulls it in, pour a bucket of water onto the shower curtain. Listen
to hear the results. Requires a nosy neighbor below you.

Six friends of mine and myself tried a less complicated version of the classic
dismantling of a car and putting it back together somewhere strange. We lifted
a friends car that was parked between two other cars and turned it so that the
front and back end were facing the neighboring cars. This posed quite a problem
for our friend when he decided to go home. Requires either a small car or a lot
of very strong people! :-) I take no responsibility for any back injuries that
result from this. Of course I take no responsibility for any of my actions. :-)

There are, of course, some fairly standard pranks that are pulled in residence.
Typically, people are shafted on their birthday which is therefore a hazardous
date to reveal. Total demolition of a room is quite common, but lacks any real
humor. A common shaft is to remove everything from the victims room and set it
up somewhere else exactly as it was. The best examples I saw of this were: a
room moved to the roof of a science building, a room moved to the front
courtyard of the residence (really funny when it started to snow!) and a room
moved to the dining hall.

When I was younger, I had a practical joke genius for a working companion. We
both worked in the same computer store for a while. He left and became manager
of another store. I remember receiving an envelope with his firms return address
on it. Inside was a very silly brochure. I said aloud "There has to be something
else in this envelope". So I looked and of course there was a sheet of paper.
It read "No there is nothing else in this envelope!" I could never get him back
for anything that he pulled but he was an inspiration. The last practical joke
that I will relate was one that he taught me and it requires a bit of time to
prepare. First you need: iodine cristals and some amonium hydroxide. Mix the
two together and a brown sludge will form. Drain off the excess liquid and let
the sludge dry. The result? Snap powder, a pressure sensitive explosive. Just
sprinkle this on the floor and watch people's reactions. Its quite amusing.


3. Vote:
Category: Practical Jokes Send this joke to a friend





A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a
big car, the love of a beautiful woman , then , pow! , it was all
gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"Ahhhh , my wife found out , "
4. Vote:
Category: Marriage and Relationships Send this joke to a friend





Different sex outcomes

Brunette after sex: "Oh that was great! Love you, wanna marry?"
Blonde after sex: "Next!"
Redhead after sex: "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid."
5. Vote:
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BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

i want Ben-10

U NO GO KIL ME

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

this is a good one

2hel who all ya dat post stale here

BLOOD OF GOD

THIS IS NOT A JOKE?

CAN U IMAGINE 1 GUY IN 20MILLION PEOPLE

;Dodeyshi nova finish

buy good multivitamin n blood formuation drug

u will beg for food

get enough rest

jos 1month result

u try

my prey kb

Coolmen wants to get married! Are you surprised? Well, thatz no news, the news is: he is having difficulty choosing among three lovely ladies: Sandra, Bomi and Ify. Not minding his penny-pinching nature, he decided to give each lady a present of 100,000 to see what each does with the money.



Sandra did a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up, perfumes, buys several new outfit and dresses up very nicely for him. She told him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.



Coolmen was impressed.



Bomi goes shopping to buy him gifts. She gets him new glasses, some new gizmos for his computer and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she told him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.



Again Coolmen was impressed.



Ify invest the money in the stock market. She earns several times the N100,000. She gave him back his N100,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.



Obviously, Coolmen was impressed.



He thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money they were given. Guess who his choice will be?



I bet your answer is wrong cos he has other thoughts in mind. Actually, he went for the one with the BIGGEST boobs!

wishin u all in NL da best 2010