₦airaland Forum

An aboki went 4 a job onyerview as a gateman in a bog firm. Boss: Name pls?
Man:Suleiman.
Boss: Sex?
Man: 2 - 5 times wkly
Boss: no, no ... I mean, male or female?
Man: kai, i do am 4 both male & female & sumtyms wit female camels.
Boss: Holy cow!
Man: i done do am 4 cow, but walahi na only twice.
Boss:isn't dat bad nd hostile?
Man:Horse style,doggy style,i do am 4 any style.
Boss:Oh dear!
Man: no deer, kai deer i run 2 fast!
Godmonin dis monin 2 u all!

he Football Association has confirmed that the England manager, Fabio Capello, has resigned.

Capello quit after an hour-long meeting with the FA chairman, David Bernstein, and the general secretary, Alex Horne, at Wembley Stadium, the association said in a statement on its website.

Their discussions centred on Capello's comments in an Italian media interview on the FA board's decision to sack John Terry as the England captain.

Capello resignation was accepted and he will leave the post of England manager with immediate effect.

Bernstein said: "I would like to stress that during today's meeting and throughout his time as England Manager, Fabio has conducted himself in an extremely professional manner. We have accepted Fabio's resignation, agreeing this is the right decision. We would like to thank Fabio for his work with the England team and wish him every success in the future."

The FA will hold a news conference with Bernstein and the England management team at Wembley on Thursday.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2012/feb/08/fabio-capello-resigns-manager-england

sometimes i wonder whats in europe dat we dont have here in 9ja, abeg make una help me check am o 1. Dey have CNN, We have channels tv. 2. Dey have oxford and cambridge , we have UNN, OAU and UI. 3. Dey have usher raymond , we have psquare 4. Dey have oprah winfrey , we have MO 5. Dey have chris tucker, we have Basket mouth. 6. Dey have lady gaga , we have goldie 7. Dey have Angelina jolie, we have Genevieve. 8. Dey have lil wayne , We have terry G 9. Dey have 2pac, we have 2face. Dey have white house, We have aso rock. , dey have obama , we have jonathan. Dey have osama bin laden, we have zakari biu. Dey whizkhalifa, we have whizkid. Dey have djkhalid, we have dj jimmy jatt. magicfingers dey fear Alquaeda, we fear bokoharm. haba enough 4 dis craze to abroad. jsk joking. Anyway way what do u guys thinks.

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Religious-Jokes/Your-Daughter-is-Pregnant.html

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.

The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear,

"I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here."

http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Dirty-Jokes/Poor-guy.html

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Dirty-Jokes/Poor-guy.html

Boko haram cursed by Bishop Oyedepo? Are they not yet cursed by d hostile environment in our country nigeria notably high level poverty, lack of quality education, self centered and corrupt politician. High rate of unemployment 4 both d graduate and d almajiris. No amount of curse is greater than the above.

A pastor was joining two gays in marriage but didn't know how to pronounce them Husband and Wife. He thought about it for a while and yelled "I now pronounce you Man United!

I just saw dark smoke emanating from my office close to RMAFC (Revenue Mobilization, Allocation and Fiscal and commission). AIT just confirmed it.

There is rumour of bomb blast in Abuja today 15/6/2011. I'm not yet sure but the rumour is strong. Pls if u ve picture pls post.

RIP Sir! Your good deeds can never be forgotten. Adieu!!!

Some of U may be wondering why I selected this topic. Well I use to think that some of us were born differently in a unique way and I still do. But since the lady gaga madness started my perception changed. While some were born with unique character (including Lady G), our attitudes, believes or certain decisions tend to isolate us as being wierdo. Imagine U puttting on a cloth made of dairy material, carried in a casket in egg shape, high-hill shoe which to me is unusual etc . As for me I think she is possessed by one kind of "ESU" (devil or demon). Wel that's my opinion. What about YOURS!!!
Here is some pixs for u to make your judgment.

Hi my fellow nairalanders. I'm Mike (for privacy i can't declare my full name) by name and I need your help urgently. I had this opportunity of doing my M.Sc degree in Mass communication in US (scholarship format by EBSU University through ETF fund). My problems are:
1. What are the procedures to take (as visa, exams etc)?
2. What are the requisite documents, particulars needed?
3. If the above was successful how do I pay the school fees? Is it through wester union, wiring, or any (Ps help me out).

N/B: I'm still searching for the University that offers M.Sc in Mass communication. For now I know 2 that offers degree in mass communication (In california and oklahoma) but not sure of M.Sc. I'm a novice in this field i need your help urgently.

While its good not to force one to get committed we should forget about d future implication of our present action. What if d girl decides to call it quit. Have u guys considered d psychological implication? Have faith u may say but for how long. Have u bothered to ask about d age of d young man who may in future turn into an "old man". Well this may sound odd but then the future and psychological cost should be considered.

Hi nairalanders i just want to get ur view on distance relationship. Is it okay for one to engage in distance relationship even if u have not seen d face of d person. I give u an example. When Glo network started their chatting stuff i was fortunate to connect to this lady. For 4 yrs we ve been communicating but i ve not seen her face 2 face. She stays in Abuja. I don't know if its right for me to continue or abandon it and move on with my life. If every things work out fine i may travel to see her. But come to think of it. what if she turns out to be something else (i.e she's nt beautiful, crippled etc) will u continue with it. I need ur reply. Thanks

JOS IN 9JA'S MOST EXPENSIVE CITY. IT COULD COST YOU YOUR LIFE
\  

Is Port Harcourt the most expensive cities in Nigeria.

Hi LouieK,

Can you send me a copy of the proposal at michaelmikas@yahoo.com?

best regards 2 u.

Which country is your favorite to win this world cup in South Africa. My favorite team is Brazil. As for Nigeria

Arsenal is paying off the loan on the emirate stadium, based on my club's financial plan to repay the loan - No big spending for the next 5 years. I believe in our young players and based on our position, we are not doing badly.
When this young set of players mature, probably within the next 2 seasons, we will be unstoppable.
I believe in WENGER, he is the best coach in England and the world.
LONG LIVE ARSENAL, LONG LIVE GUNNERS FANS,

@denitro. 4 hw long can we continue to wait. The fans are in need of silverware. If nt he shld be shown d way out
@Ifebazz or whatever. Are u here to sympathize with d gunnz or mock us.

@shagamite, agathamari, oyb: U all are anti-christ.

A young man once attended a church service. Before the service started another young but beautiful lady walked into the church and sat beside the him. On sighting the young lady his mood changed. He started looking for a way to exchange pleasantries with the young lady but this couldn't work out cos the lady's displayed a bold face. Then when the service started all attention turned to the church minister (pastor) but not that of the young man even during the meditation period. When it was the official time for congregation to exchange handshakes and hug, the pastor shouted "hold some body, (you know the rest). Unknowing to the young man the young lady had left to another seat and has since been replaced by an old woman. This thing happened during meditation hour so i guess the young man did not know the young lady had left. On hearing the words "hold somebody, ", he immediately grabbed the old lady thinking she was still the young lady. When he eventually opened his eyes, he was shocked to see an old woman . HE SHOUTED JESUS

For those who have contributed on this topic, i sincerely appreciate your contribution. Left for me i will suggest that celibacy in the Catholic church or other religion that still practices it to be made optional. Although i appreciate the reason for adoption of celibacy as criteria to become a priest ( for reference read  Matthew 19:12, Numbers 1:48–53). But St Paul in his teaching while encouraging celibacy did not see it as must for every priest instead this is recommended to all those who can abide by it (Note: If being celibate will encourage adultery then get married). According to him (St Paul), this is not to say, of course, that the married state is bad.  Marriage is a good state when observed properly, but the celibate state is better.  In 1 Cor. 7, St. Paul clearly encouraged celibacy.

1 Corinthians, Chap. 7- “Now concerning the thing whereof you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.  But for fear of fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband… But I speak this by indulgence, not by commandment.  For I would that all men were even as myself [unmarried]: but every one hath his proper gift from God; one after this manner, and another after that. But I say to the unmarried, and to the widows: It is good for them if they so continue, even as I…

But if any man think that he seemeth dishonoured, with regard to his virgin, for that she is above the age, and it must so be: let him do what he will; he sinneth not, if she marry.  For he that hath determined being steadfast in his heart, having no necessity, but having power of his own will; and hath judged this in his heart, to keep his virgin, doth well.  Therefore, both he that giveth his virgin in marriage, doth well; and he that giveth her not, doth better.”
In reaction to the above, celibacy should be made optional for priest or nuns.

Let me remind all the christian  on this forum that it is obvious that the world will soon come to an end.  This is the time for all us (Catholics and Protestants) to pray unrelentlessly. Last two years in Anglican homosexual was ordained a priest, this year it is the turn of the catholic church. This is excluding numerous crimes committed previously under cloak of being a christian. Pray! Pray!! Pray!!!

Again, those in authority in catholic church need to carry out a major reformation in the church. How?
1. Candidates or seminarian intending to be priest should be screened properly to identify their background.
a. There activities in the seminary should be monitored strictly.
2. The church should make their activities more open (although there are improvement already)
3. Women's (nuns alone)  roles in the catholic church should be elevated (although in catholic church today women now give holy communion).
4. On the issue of child molestation, the catholic church should be open to investigation while those found guilty should be punished. (The issue of protecting priest by other priest could be liken to cult activities too). Note: The children  or families affected are also catholics.
5. You suggestions are welcomed.

For critics i am also a catholic (liberal).

I'm a lover of dog and I hope all nairalanders (those interested in anything about dog) will show case their dog's pictures. As for me I love Caucasian dog cos of security purpose (for intruders). Caucasian dog do not joke with their master and therefore they make sure they are protected. For more info you can go to google. If properly socialized, the Caucasian dog could be gentle with your visitors. Here is the pix of the Caucasian dog. Sorry i couldn't find the picture

How To Turn A Girl On Without Touching Her - Here Is Something Every Man Must Know
Posted: Mar 26, 2010 | Views: 16 |

Turning on a girl may seem extremely difficult if your girls mind is preoccupied with other things. Sexual pleasure and arousal are experienced by girls more in their brain than in their groins. You will have to learn to tackle her mind to turn her on without touching her. Visuals are more than enough to turn on a man; however, when it comes to girls they need a good amount of flattering and appreciation to get them in the mood,

Here are 3 tried tips that can help you turn a girl on without touching her.

Making a girl feel special is the best way to arouse her. Trust me girls want attention all the time and if you are able to do something or say the right things about her she will be all the more ready to give you a great time in bed. However, saying something just to please her is not going to help as girls can sense insincerity instantly. To turn her on without touching her you have to show that you are genuinely interested in her both physically and emotionally.

The ambience also plays a key role in turning on a girl without getting physical. Creating the perfect atmosphere is of utmost importance. Complete privacy will help her open up and make things easier for you. You can take her to a classy pub or for a candle light dinner where you can stir her emotions by conversing in a low sensuous voice. A sexy and cozy ambience can set the both of you on fire.

The right type of food in right amounts can also act as turn on for your girl. There are several food items and beverages like sparkling wine that can activate a girl's sexual urges and turn her on by breaking hidden barriers. Treat her to her hearts content; however, do not over do it for it may prove counterproductive. Chocolates are believed to act as aphrodisiacs and are used to turn on women for centuries.

Make your girl feel wanted through verbal communication and demonstrate to her that she is the most desirable girl around. If you learn to tackle her mind you wont have any problem turning her on with just a glance or a few flattering sentences.

Now listen carefully-

What you are about to discover something most men will never know when it comes to attracting women. This is one thing which is an absolute must know for every man out there. You are about to discover an ultimate secret weapon which will make women chase you around like crazy Even If You Are Bald, Fat Or Ugly!, Trust me, You don't want to miss this one. I strongly urge you to read everything on the next page because it might be the most important message you ever read- Click Here:http://www.articlesbase.com/breakup-articles/how-to-turn-a-girl-on-without-touching-her-here-is-something-every-man-must-know-2052756.html

What about regulating the time.

Pls i will like know the cost of setting up a game cafe (I have 100,000) and how to regulate the timing to avoid your customers cheating you. I already have a generator (I pass my neighbour type). Urgently respond to this.

Frank Ribery and Ivice Olic scored two goals for Bayer Munich while Rooney was on target for Man utd.

@omega25red & na2day: Pls i don't mean guys should use their children against their wives remember this is just a mind game. Pls try not to do this where your children are.


For the girls i don't mean any harm but its better than for guyz to beat their gf or wives.

For some time now men have been seriously accused of beating their wife. Ask me and I will tell you it is irresponsible for any man to beat her wife or girlfriend (either of the two). But then there are some other ways we can do this without actually touching or hitting them physically. Don't ask whether it is by denying them of cash - absolutely No! In fact any man than cannot sustain his wife and children is lazy and not worthy to be called a man.
Meanwhile this is applicable for everybody. When you have problem with your wife or girlfriend:
1. If she refuses to cook for you show her that you too can do can do equally do the cooking ( this is note for everybody as not every guys know how to cook) or you can buy already cooked food outside, bring it home and eat in front of her. While doing this you can put on some love song which will irritate her and make her to feel jealous.
2. You can also visit the Mr. Big, Citi chef or any tantalizer with your children without your wife.

3. If you have sexy body with hairy chest or smooth body this can be of an advantage (Pls don't ask me if guys are sexy - swagger).
4. Play with your children or you can go for site-seeing (with your children only).
5. When together pretend as if you are chatting with your female colleagues (I don’t mean concubine) in a manner that reminds her of the good times. Pretend as if she is not their even when you know she their.
6. When you discover she is remorseful may be you can forgive her (with a smile). Don't forget its part of the game

Guys wat do you think?