₦airaland Forum

Xone3.
Hmmm, it is well with your soul oh.
The guy is above 30, has a good job but has no regard for building a great future.

Well, you have read comments, of how insensitive some men are towards their pregnant wives. This one that has no value for money, does he invest? Does he even have good savings?

He likes to drink and party with the boys. Hmmm, will you see him at all when you are pregnant and your hormones are acting up?

He gets an ego boost from acquiring material things, will he put the needs of his family before his senllish splurges?

Hmmm. Please look well before thou leapest oh.

babyosisi:
I don't understand all these girls that say there are no marriageable men when people like you and herzumpther have suitors begging for your hand.
When babyosisi was babyosisi,I could do tum bom tum bom and stop at 5 suitors at a time ;Dand I am not Bianca Onoh

Lol.
Well, you have a great personality.

EfemenaXY:
Lol! No worries.

Nope, not Urhobo. I'm Isoko.

Really?
I am urhobo. My fiance is Isoko.

thorpido:
Look for the one that practices Ebube's law na.
On a serious note,there are.Most girls just want the made men and incidentally,the made men want to play.
An average girl won't give a corper a chance for instance.

Many times, the "perfect" men are a product of another woman's labor. Another woman has toiled. Given time, energy and all the support to build that man, then one girl will be wishing to harvest him, LOL.

There is this calmness, this confidence from within that comes from knowing, this is my man. I gave myself wholly to his advancement! And if the man has got the fear of God, he sees those other girls for who they really are. Long throat.

Me I don lock my own with prayers. I always declare, I shall not build for another to inhabit! I shall reap the fruits of my labor. And as I am praying, I am also watching, by paying FULL attention to myself. Lol. The Bible says we must watch and pray.

I am going into marriage VERY ready. When I entered my late 20s, I never even worried. I was never under pressure and I am so glad I accepted God's perfect gift for me.

Yes aunty EfemenaXY. You were great with shiningmama. no I don't expect you to be anything short of you. I just can feel you've got so much love to give but...LOL.

Thank you for appreciating my observations. I hope to read more from you in the future.

You are Urhobo right?

Very Best Regards.

blessedqueen:
Babyosisi to be factual dere r no marriageable men out dere dey all just want to do okafor's law

which one is Okafor's law again.
I don't know what you mean by "no marriageable men". I don't really have a social life. Just work and church. In fact, work and church is my social life. Yet, I have always had eligible bachelors on my case.

Even after engagement and with my rock boldly displayed on my fingers.
The first time I visited my fiance at his office, I just engaged his boss briefly. The boss didn't know how serious my fiance was with me. My fiance mentioned that the boss was always saying, when are you getting married? He would say soon. And the boss will be like, come let that soon be this year cos I have a friend who is a pilot, very rich and charming. If you don't sit up, I will teach you a lesson and introduce her to my friend.

Lol. I told my fiance, you better be scared oh. See pilot go soon come fly me away. My fiance just laughed. Indeed, when naval officer could not whisk you away when I was no where near the man that I am now. Let the pilot come now.

So my dear, please discard that mindset oh. There are tons of marriageable men who are really scared that there aren't marriageable women.

Herzumpther:
Oh dear I'm touched.
I love you loads.

Love you too gurl. You already know that. I'm glad Lakes is the one.

babyosisi:
It was a long process
Slowly we began to build and heal the hurts,it took months and months and months,it was the most difficult time of our marriage and the most challenge we have ever had till date.
He had stopped eating whatever I cooked the last weeks before his mom left and one day he asked me to cook and I did
I totally understood the times he stood by his mom wasn't because he thought I was a bad person but because he hated to see his mom sad
So somehow be chose to pacify her till she went back home but in the process hurt my feelings so much
That Christmas he went home and of course his family chewed him up for sending their mom home but he knew details they didn't know about the daily events.
He came home and asked me to call and apologize to his mom and I told him I will
It took me another 18 months or so to give that apology and he didn't push me

^{Let me repeat the story,I told it earlier}


I believe it was that act of apologizing to his mom and the aftermath that healed the entire situation completely
I apologized over the phone and my MIL called me names
All I responded was " mama is that what you are saying"?
I wasn't even offended by the names because I had forgiven her and was no longer hurt
Her son present with her grabbed the phone and started apologizing to me for her utterances and scolding her fiercely too
I had to tell him to stop scolding her
Hubby came home I told him what transpired and he called home insisted his mom must apologize to me
His family was divided over the issue,some said the mom owes me an apology ,some said never and those who opposed were if course on my MIL's side
I didn't ask for an apology and I didn't need it
Not once did I call any of my brother or sisters in law to discuss the issue
Never.

Periodically after that,I would call my MIL To say hello and carry on a conversation like nothing happened
I visited Nigeria shortly after and spent a few days with her ,without my hubby there
Then again
And again
That I believe that made my husband very glad.i suspect his mom must have told him how my visits went.

I concluded like I said before that the woman didn't hate me
There were misconceptions she had and she came out judging me without knowing me
My MIL even gave me a name and that is what she calls me and the only one that calls me that
Translated to mean the beautiful one.

That is why I tell ladies that no matter how bad you think your MIL is towards you,anyone can be changed with love
It is not easy,the key however lies with the husband
But it can be done if her son is good to you
Had my husband been pushy and unsupportive, and insisting his mom was right all the way,this would have never happened

Wow! Thank you, thank you and thank you so much for sharing.
I really don't feel like ever visiting or commenting on any other thread on NL. LOL. I bless God for you.

Let me also share my experience with my MIL to be.

The first time I visited their home, his sister welcomed me excitedly and kinda introduced me to her. She didn't clearly state that I was her son's girlfriend though. I greeted mummy, she no answer. She was eating. I thought she didn't hear, I repeated the greeting, Omo na so mumsy just continue to look me cooly, all over. I just smiled and I can't remember how I left that day.

I told him about it though. Afterwards, I totally avoided her. Then, as the years went by, and it was evident we were still very much together, I would visit occasionally. I tried to be very cordial. I had some challenges and he said I should come over so we can have a vigil and pray together. Mum said she didn't know me well enough to pass the night in her house. I was so hurt. I mean, you see me regularly, in your house and in church, yet you say you don't know me.

A week later, I acted in a drama in church and after the drama, she came out to greet me. My hurt resurfaced, I greeted her but coldly. I avoided the hug she was trying to give. I told my BF then, that I wouldn't visit his family house again. I just didn't get why she was so hostile.

A few years later, we got engaged. Still, I wasn't in touch with the family. Then he told me to try to let go. I was really defensive because I believe any good relationship is built by two people deliberately making an effort. I didn't enjoy the rejections I experienced from his mum and didn't want to give her further opportunity to reject me. He told me he had a meeting with his family and told his mum to get to know me.

So I called her. I said mum I heard you are angry with me. She said, "yes! I am very angry, very angry with you". Then I said, mummy, but what have I done? You know my mum is late and you are going to be my mum. She said, "well we never get to see you. You always stay away from us, you didn't even show up for dad's birthday". So I apologized and she asked about work and I thought we settled.

Another time, I called her and she was cold again. The hurt resurfaced. Then we travelled for the holidays. She was absent when I visited. When she came in, I greeted her, she answered coldly. After a few minutes, she walked in front of me and looked at me from head to to(as in eye me) lol. I smiled, looked her in the eye and said, "compliments of the season". She was startled and replied, same to you. I stayed till evening laughing and gisting.

A few days later, the sister had her introduction. I visited, worked and helped till evening. When I was leaving, mum was so appreciative. That was when she changed towards me.

On very rare occasions, she gets off track lol. But my fiance quickly calls her to order and we laugh it off. Most recently, she called my fiance and asked for my number. I was there, he angrily told her, so after all these years you still don't have her number? If she doesn't call you now, you will say she is keeping away. She gave an excuse and begged for the number. He told her. I will not send it. Find it.

Ten minutes later, she called me. I screamed on the phone. Praise the Lord! I will testify on Sunday, my MIL is calling me. She laughed and asked if I was acting drama. Na so we gist and she went off the phone.

Even most of my outfit for the traditional wedding, she is purchasing it with her money. We tried to avoid letting her buy it, she called me and said, your husband said you people want to buy your clothes, please you guys may get inferior clothes. Please talk to him, I suggested that he sends ...(she stated the amount) I will take care of the rest. Please. I just told my fiance, please do as she has said, so she doesn't feel bad.

She even told me that, you know if not that I know you are a Christian, I would have suspected you jazzed my son! Lol.

I really thank God because I don't necessarily do much before His grace prevails. I mean look at what you went through and other MIL stories I have heard. Me I never see nothing. And I pray God's grace continues to abound.

One thing I constantly do is declare God's word over my future. I always declare, I have a wonderful, blessed, fruitful marriage. I have a great relationship with my MIL and in laws. My relationship with my MIL is like that of Ruth and Naomi in the bible.

I also realized that she probably felt her son was too young to be in a committed relationship at the time. And she didn't know me, so thought I was going to take advantage of her golden boy. LOL.

We had our introduction in December, few days after his sister's wedding. During her daughter's wedding, you needed to have seen the way mum was holding my hand and introducing me to all her meeting people and friends. Like a well deserved trophy. LOL.

babyosisi:
Wow
Woman of substance thou art

I have never shared this before but there was a time in my career when my husband went back to do a pHD and fellowship and I earned more than him.
I didn't like it
I actually prayed that he earned more than me
Afterwards I was wondering if I had cursed myself
But God saw the sincerity in my heart and answered that prayer
Shortly after,we earned about the same salary and two years after that his salary surpassed mine
Today,he makes double mine.

I love the story of how you encouraged and pushed your man to succeed
Women need to do that always
Who else will be his greatest cheerleader but you?
In this world especially with those if us overseas,the black man is up against so much,his greatest support has to be his wife
My husband naturally is a driven person but the way I encouraged him was never to object to any of our moves.
I went wherever he wanted us to go ,wherever he had a good offer and sometimes I left very good jobs to the unknown while he pursued his dreams and it has paid off well for him( and us)
Recently we travelled to the NE United States and he asked what my reaction will be if he took up a job there and I told him he already knows I won't object to it.

Thank you.
You see! Exactly! People don't really understand who a virtuous woman is. The Bible says, she looks at a vineyard and purchases it with her earnings. Meaning she is not a siddon look, hand me pocket money house wife! She's got her own earnings.

The bible also says, her husband seats at the gate with the council of elders. Meaning he is a "heavy" man. A man of substance, filled with wisdom. A responsible man that has value to offer society.

Lastly, her husband and children call her blessed.
I strive to be that woman. I believe that a godly woman's place is beside her husband. Squeezing out the best in him as she becomes her best.

Thank God for you, your husband, your home. Thank you for being a giver. Thank you for this thread.

Tashaamania:
You welcome, Godbess your union

amen. And may He bless you and yours too.

babyosisi:
I love that girl and the sincerity in her post
She has no clue how much her story has tweaked my long held notion of love and crazy love

Hahahahaha @ deactivating

LOL. Please let it be a joke.
I was really touched by her story.
I totally saw your perspective. I also wonder how God's choice will be devoid of physical love. But as she pointed, it was always there, hidden. She had to uncover.

Please I would really appreciate you sharing in detail how you and your husband worked things out after he sent the cab away. My heart stopped at the statement. I am such a hopeless romantic and I saw the romance in my minds eye, the way all those telemundo movies capture it- you packing, oga battling with his ego and love for you while you pack and finally making the wise decision of letting his love prevail.

Oh madam Osisi please do a movie with your story.

Tashaamania:
Evina, am inspired by your story

oh, thank you much.

babyosisi:
Al the best in your wedding and marriage

I can't believe Chaircover has deactivated
Aisha2
Jennykadry
Ujujoan too

All the people I started this nairaland journey with have deactivated
What am I still doing here?

Even though I suspect aisha2 is back as

Please don't even think about it. Don't you feel blessed to be such a blessing?

I think Ujujoan is back as Wedon or so, cos the signature says aka ujujoan.

salsera:
@evina
This ur story na exception and I actually like exceptions
You didn't lose yourself whilst giving him 'a kick up the ass...well a few kicks'
You didn't have to pretend to be someone else whilst you did this. That's important.

You fiancé listened and ran with it from baby steps to full marathon.


Geekybabes case though, her bf is already mid thirties with an MSc not working slightly different dynamic

You may be right.
Her boyfriend is 30 not in his mid thirties. Irrespective of the age however, I don't think age has anything to do with it. People are the way they are, basically because of their temperament. And a man that really loves his woman and desires a great future will appreciate support from a strong woman.

9 months in my opinion is too short a time to give up on anyone. Has she given her best to build him up and realised he ought to be left alone? (Just as I did with my first). Will she not question if she gave up too soon and regret the decision later? Personally, I don't do regrets. Once I move on, it is because I am ABSOLUTELY sure that I am DONE! I gave my all and it's time for the next challenge. So I just hope that she really is doing it right.

Anyways, the choice is hers to make.

blessedqueen:
I must say he is so lucky to av u, so patient and dedicated not all women can do dis I really commend u. May d Lord bless ur union.

LOL.
I am not a really patient person oh. but I am amazed how I didn't consider giving up on him.

When I was in the university, I had a boyfriend, my first. I left him when I graduated. I put in ALOT of work too. He was so focused on the wrong things. He graduated when I was in my third year and refused to go for NYSC. He instead, went to one city and was waiting for a container of gold that would turn him to a big boy. He is the first son. His dad was so disappointed, they gave up on him.

I would go and visit him and spend my allowance on him because I never forgot how good he was to me, how he took care of my needs when my dad left the country without leaving enough money for me. (I am from a polygamous home and my mum is late) He and his sister said, don't worry, you can't lack when you have us. His family house was my home too.

So when this sudden "lunacy" started, I just couldn't give up. His mum used to ask me loads of questions cos they couldn't get it either. He had just two items of clothing with him and refused to go back home. I was trying to support my man until I realized one year don pass and I am about to graduate.

Although I was really young at the time. But I began to see him as unserious. I felt as long as I was there, feeding and supporting, he wouldn't wake up and smell the coffee. Some guys become really lazy and oblivious of their responsibilities when they have a strong woman as support system. So I gave him an ultimatum! Leave this place and get your life together or I live!

He thought it was a joke! He was my first love(so I thought at the time) I never thought I could be without him but I began to resent him. I left him and hated him. Shortly, he left that place, reconciled with his Dad and got a job with an oil servicing firm. He worked offshore.

He began to call me and at the time I was single but, I despised him. He couldn't understand it. Wasn't this what I wanted? I was angry because I felt he ought to have listened to me and become a great man with my support. But he said, it took my leaving him to realize and get on track.

I was angry for a loooong time and he wouldn't let go. But my spirit had left the union. I also began to see other things I couldn't cope with.

Today, he is doing real good and has said he won't get married until I have. I have NO REGRETS whatsoever. The man I am with now, is beyond comparison. God over compensated me with this one LOL. I AM THE LUCKY ONE.

Thanks gurl.

keppyy:
I'm inspired...@evina

Oh. That is great. Thank you.

cococandy:
@evina
Best of luck to and your fiancé

Thank you.

@geekybabe: I know most of the responses you got to your predicament are from mature and married posters.

I just want to give my suggestion based on my personal experience.

I will be getting married in May. It ought to have being on the 28th of March, but elections in Nigeria made us move the date.

My fiance and I started dating in 2006. I already had my first degree then and preparing for NYSC, while he was studying to be an engineer. By the time he had his B.Sc, I already had a few years work experience.

Like you, I am very driven. I started a business at 20. I am one of those people that can start 5 projects, run a business at the side while holding down a job and still think of fresh new opportunities to explore. He was laid back, I had to push him to always go for more.

In fact, I did not have a problem with being the bread winner until the Holy Spirit convicted me and told me I was subtly placing a curse on my intended. I mean it is NOT the place of a woman to be the SOLE provider. She is the helpmeet, the support system. The bible says a man who cannot provide for his family is worse than an infidel!

When I got that understanding, I revamped my mindset. I showed him the scripture, and told him. You know me. You know how driven I am and you know I will not let myself be limited by a man. I will not soft pedal on achieving my dreams because I don't want you to feel inadequate, so you need to sit up.

Then, I began to find ways to push him towards accomplishing his goals. While he was awaiting NYSC, I was the PR manager in a school. I organized the annual Christmas party, which was unlike any the school ever had. We had sponsors and media coverage. He is a great dancer and had a group in school, so I suggested he should consider training the students in dance;salsa, ballet etc. He was excited. I proposed the idea to the board and he was hired as the choreographer. He did an EXCELLENT job!

Next, I had an idea for weddings, talked to him about it and we made business cards. He was the MD and I Business development manager. Our biggest client was from him. (An aunt of his).

Shortly, he went for NYSC and I secured another job in another city. I developed his resume and would check for jobs online, write cover letter and apply on his behalf.

Now, several years after. I am AMAZED at the man he has become! I am soo proud of him. He is a sales Engineer, confident, driven and dedicated. He once told me he used to think he couldn't get a job without connections. But now, he doesn't think there's any interview he'll go for that he wouldn't scale through. I remember, I used to prep him for interviews back then.

I asked him recently, where that unmotivated, timid guy was, and he gave me one kind look. LOL. Now, I don't have to do any of those work I used to do because he is on top of his game.

I really thank God because even his mum, turned around and loved me when she saw the direction her son's life was headed and realized he was at his best with me in his life.

In summary, I just want to say, we should endeavor to make an impact in the lives of people we encounter. 9months is too short to give up on him. Give it your best, if it means finding time to search for jobs with him and even applying on his behalf, do it. His seeming controlling nature may just be because he feels insecure. Help him get past the insecurities. I believe the role of a woman is to build up her man, to help him reach his full potentials. That is why there is no end to how high a man can rise if he's got a good woman by his side.

That laid back dude today can become a driven, goal oriented man tomorrow. Mine is a living proof. he is not just an Engineer, he got certified in HSE and picked up great designing skills. I once got a contract to supply table top calendars. He designed it and managed the printing process. I would have spent 100k, paying a designer for the designs. He stays dedicated to tasks and wouldn't give up until he has seen it through. I didn't see these qualities in him before and wouldn't have known it was in there if I gave up on him.

All the best gurl.

WOW! What a thread!

I stumbled on this thread a week ago or thereabout, and haven't focused on any other thread since then. I have taken the time to read through ALL the pages. It is like reading a book to me, a practical guide to building and sustaining a successful marriage.

This thread has touched the very depths of my being. Reading people's personal experiences and comments have really broken me in some way.

I have yet again reached the conclusion that I will indeed be walking down the aisle in May, with a man who is God's PERFECT gift to me. This thread made me realise I need to CHERISH this gift more than ever before.

We have been through it ALL in nine long, wonderful years! God has helped us. There was even the challenge with MIL to be, but the way God arrested the woman's heart ehn, makes me so humbled that God carry this union for Him Almighty head.

I really don't know how to appreciate and celebrate the wonderful woman who created this thread @Babyosisi, the contributors:

@Thorpido: I have deep respect for you. You are a great man with great wisdom.

@madam Chair cover: so sad to see you deactivated your account. You have this warm mature spirit. The effect of your post is calmness. You are indeed a blessing.

@ Bukatyne: I love you. Mature, funny, cool.

@ Floodgater: God bless you real good.

@ Ujujoan: what a great woman you are. Thank God for your home.

@ EfemenaXY: hmmm. Aunty, Migwo. you are too harsh oh. One can perceive you've got several shades of intelligence and wisdom but it's quite sad that we don't really get to benefit from you in totality, because the value of your message is lost in the brutality emanating from your post. I could tell you are not a patient person madam and you would often scare people, whom you can be a blessing to, away, with your hostile(for lack of a better word) demeanor. Please if it is tough love, it is too tough. Tone it down ma.

@ Cococandy: you are soooo sweet. Thank you for being here.

@Herzumpther: for real? Is Lakes the one you are picking the date with? I hope oh sis.

To all the other contributors, God bless you and reward you richly.

Finally and once again, madam Babyosisi, you are blessed. In fact I think we should draft a script based on your life experiences in love and marriage and then make a movie. seriously! Think aborit.

Jackeeh:
U dey mind those people? !!! Mtchwwwwwww

LOL

Wow! This is soo cool.
Mods no go see this one put for homepage now oh. Na Tontodikeh innocence wey no dey exist dem dey find for frontpage.

chucky234:
Op was last seen on NL in January 2015, where the updates wan take come na.

LOL.

chucky234:
Guy dis one na old news na

That is why the request was, "please post updates".

deeptesting:
lol.... May be i have been watching too many animal cartoon.

LOL.

stonecoldcafe:
God bless you. I would buy such a book.
By the way, what am I reading about castration? I thought you got Vera for company and cos you want them to eventually mate? I need to go back and read again.

LOL. You should know deeptesting loves Cooper too much to attempt castration.

deeptesting:
I want to avoid castrating Cooper because he could be a stud. The pics shows what he does to Vera, sometimes she will have bite him hard to let go.

Cooper needs to learn how to treat a woman right.

But he is still just a dog. I mean, isn't that asking for too much? Is it possible for him to be the perfect gentleman gentledog you expect him to be? LOL.

All well and good. The boy has always had issues with managing fame and he is too emotionally unstable. He has left the band high and dry during tours on more than one occasion.

Let him go and marry that his girlfriend Perry and live in the country side as he always wanted.

But then, one record label fit "force" am back into music as a solo artiste. I just hope he doesn't go near drugs.

deeptesting:
I have never thought of that but sounds good. I am serious when i said "I wish Cooper will live happily with Vera without putting her the family way". Like humans you know the responsibility that comes with pregnancy & child birth..

One thing i am enjoying at the moment is the uniqueness of Cooper & Vera. Cooper is so manly and intimidating while Vera is so feminine that you just can't help but cuddle her from Coopers bully attitude.

My daughter after watching their interaction on a particular day " Told me Cooper is a goat". lol.

LOL at Goat.
Yes, loads of responsibilities with pregnancy, but it usually is worth it right?

As per you wish, if you don't castrate Cooper, (don't you dare!) it will only remain a wish. LOL.

folash:
Close already, congrats in advance

thank you.

Herzumpther:
Eyeing November tho.

I'm already seeing me in that marmaid and trumpet gown.

Are you opening a thread after your wedding? Will love to see your gown.

November is good. You can make it December too. December weddings are fun, especially towards the end of the month.

Open a thread? I think I will. a chance to celebrate with my e-family.

Herzumpther:
Lolzzzz. Funny geh.

Date? Will do that next month as I told you earlier.

Oh. I recall you mentioning you've decided to fix a date. Okay then. may God guide you.

deeptesting:
lol! i really wish they can live without Cooper putting Vera in the family way.

What!
Please you're kidding I hope.
You know what? Why don't you consider creating a book out of this. This diary makes a most interesting read. You can start with an ebook, then print.

You would make a successful sale and have achieved the awareness for pure breeds.