₦airaland Forum

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son – to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site.

After the son had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile. (Women!!) She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hard slap, while the man was trying to ask why? She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.

The man asked his son to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called, son said:

“The number u are trying to call is not reachable at the Moment. Please Try Again Later”.

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon, he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he’d gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer"?
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel"?
Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.
In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle.
He asked, "What are you doing to my wife"?
"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can’t get my instrument bag open."

An old, tired-looking cat wandered into my veranda. I could tell from her collar and well-fed belly that she had a home and was well taken care of.

She calmly came over to me, I gave her a few pats on her head. She then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, she went to the door, and I let her out.

The next day she was back, greeted me in my veranda, walked inside and resumed her spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to her collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet cat is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your cat comes to my house for a nap.’

The next day she arrived for her nap, with a different note pinned to her collar: ‘She lives in a home, with my non stop chatting and nagging wife, she’s trying to catch up on her sleep. …, Can I come with her tomorrow?

"Next," the conference emcee announced, "we have the chief of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly."
The chief took his place at the lectern.
"I'm a little nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey, and explain Beverly to her!"

A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house. They all sit down on the couch and chat for awhile.
"Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
"The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."

A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce and he asked her, "What are the grounds for your divorce"?
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said. "I mean, what is the foundation of this case"?
"Why, it is made of concrete, of course," she responded.
"I mean," he continued. "What are your relations like"?
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as, my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge"?
"No," she replied. "We have a two car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again. "Is there any infidelity in your marriage"?
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up"?
"Yes," she responded. "About twice a week, he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, frustrated and at the end of his rope, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce"?
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. It's my husband who does. He says he can't communicate with me."

Employees of a Company are all worried. Some are roaming around.
Some are in loud discussions during office time.
Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and inquire about what happened, to a senior employee, they ask, “What’s going on?”
“Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss” They’re asking for $10 Million ransom, otherwise they’re going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire. We’re going from desk to desk, taking collection.”
One Trainee asks, “How much is everyone giving on an average?


The senior employee answers “About 1 litre."

, I equally unwind by reading great books. Unfortunately, and lugubriously so, most people see reading as an act of lucubration, but for me it is sheer mental gymkhana and it gives me cause for mental pabulum, that people see that as something that is emotionally sesquipedalian.

Mathematician: How do you write 4 in between 5?

China: Is this a Joke?
Japan: Impossible!
America: The question’s wrong.
UK: Not found on the Internet.

India: F(IV)E
This is the reason Indians are everywhere in the world in finance, business, medicine, engineering…. anything to do with using both sides of the brain.(, )

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter the next day.
The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

Employee Benefits
A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The personnel manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.
She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as, five years salary for life insurance, a month's sick leave and they paid the full premiums."
"I can't help but asking, madam, why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied.
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."

Two men are playing golf. They play each week, and have a wager as to who is going to win.
One week there are these two women at the hole ahead of them. They're hitting the ball all over the place. They have no idea how to play. They're just there having a good old time.
The two men want to finish their game. One of them decides to ask the women if they can play through. He goes up the hill, then comes back down. He tells his friend "I can't do it. One's my wife, the other's my mistress."
The other guy says "No problem, I understand."
So he goes up the hill. He comes back down and says, "Small world isn't it?"

Our business professor was lecturing about different ways to bill customers. He asked, "Who can give me an example of a system where you are billed before you actually receive your goods?"
One student piped up, "Tuition!"

John is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So, John takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" he asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day."
So, the next morning John gets up at four in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
John is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," he says to himself.
The very next day John brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by John'ss claim, removes the chainsaw from the case.
The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."then starts the chainsaw.
Looking around John asks, "What's that noise?

"Give me a sentence about one of the public servants we learned about today," said the teacher.
One small boy wrote, "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the boy aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," he said confidently. "It means carrying a child."

The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family waiting for the news, "We had twins!"
The family was so excited, they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?"
The father paused, smiled and said, "Each other."

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. "Please, doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee!"
"Don't worry," says the doctor. "I'll put some cream on it."
"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."
"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor. "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."
"Oh! It happened in the garden behind my house."
"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated. "I mean on the part of your body the bee stung you."
"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts!"
"Which one?" the doctor asked.
"How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!"

yinkalink:
Now dis one takes d cherry off d pudding, good one pal!

And where have you been hiding good lady? I've missed you. Hope your days have been nice.
Cheers

The Fourth of July weekend was coming up and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.
"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free."
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four!"

lysaa:
So whats the point of giving a joke when u don't get laughs as the reward? Think of it this way without taking any offence, no one enjoys giving a minimum wage to a maximum loser. I get the joke but this is your call.

No offence taken good lady; If donjon and 9dynasty (plus some readers who don't comment) get it, that is reward enough for me. ALL jokes cannot cater to EVERY audience. C'est la vie.

olawalebab:
Na so i don look tire for the joke but i see none

chuckdee4:
I know the IRS are like the tax guys in the US but i still don't get the joke

Then look no more. Just move on. It's not every joke you must get,

Onyeasi:
@ feelgood.
Is this meant to be a joke or drama.
Seriously Man, you are from another different planet entirely.

bright007:
shey IRS mean internal revenue service or wat!all d same,where is d joke?

Hidden

donjon:
@feelgood,
nice!

My guys - we can't all understand every joke. Our understanding is usually determined by our location, exposure, etc. If I begin to explain my jokes, then the punchline will be off. Cheers

On the bags of miniature candy bars it says, 'Fun Size.' Does this mean that the regular size bars are no fun?
Why aren't they called bakies instead of cookies?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Why do mothers always say that their children cannot play until their room is clean? What will the room look like after the child plays?
How come we as children will fight tooth and nail not to have a nap only to find ourselves as adults wishing with all of our hearts that we could?
Wouldn't it be nice to be able to forgive each other as quickly and effortlessly as children forgive each other?
Didn't the guy who laughs last had to have it explained to him?
Isn't it better by far that you forget and smile rather than remember and be sad?
Why would there be a key to happiness? Isn’t the door always open?
Where do socks go when they get lost in the dryer?
Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes, would they eventually just disappear?
Do Clothing manufacturers really expect us to run a whole wash for each item marked 'wash separately'?
Why do clothes dryers have buzzers that go off when the drying cycle is done, but you just have to guess for the washing machine?

olawalebab:
You know why people no comment for your joke, we no sabi wetin IRS mean.

Internal revenue service

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax—OH MY, !"
Then silence.
Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Always knew you sense of humour is distinct and not restricted by boundaries of the nairaland type

Escape!

Li'l Tommy and Will were playing when Will said, "Boy, my dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm really worried."
Tommy wondered, "What have you got to worry about?"
"What if they try to escape?"

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a $1,000 bet for anyone to prove them wrong. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice from the lemon would win the money.
Many people tried to win the bet over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter died down, the bartender said, "Okay," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest
level of language development. Here are the 10 winners in the International
Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says,
"Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other
says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up
for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've
seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did
so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it's good , ) a super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.