₦airaland Forum

Female speaking:
Please spend your money on your parents, they struggled for you. Help them out. Other than that, you are only obligated to spend on your wife and children.

You can be generous with a girlfriend but that’s within reason; dinner, movie, an event here and there. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to have a good time. She also should be generous on you.

You should not be responsible for her rent, school fees, business idea, hair and clothes etc. Your relationship is not transactional, she is not your wife.

A good woman shows ambition, just like a good man does. Instead of being broke or stretched by a girlfriend, use your money to invest and build a side business for yourself.

But some men are paying for everything to assuage their ego and because they need a trophy girlfriend to feel accomplished or lauded by friends.

Female with two sons. If my husband when we were dating scolded his mom for me I’d never marry him. What kind of man treats his mother like that. May my sons never end up like you. If I may ask, where is your father? You need to learn to be a man.

I’m still trying to get over the shock of a man scolding his mother for a girlfriend. Even a wife! No. If my mother in law says something offensive I’d appreciate my husband talking to her, but not scolding. What the heck!!!

All that money you are spending on that ill tempered girl, what have you spent on your mother??

That girl you are dating doesn’t respect you and shouldn’t. You are a shame, a weakling, and a disgrace.

I can tell you humans change. At one time size 10 to 12 was not seen as unattractive. Marilyn Monroe was size 10. Now they want size 0. At one time in China bound feet was attractive, now it's not.

If blacks become rich, creative, successful with strong, dominant, and powerful economies, dark skin will be the in thing.

All this whitening skin, inferior skin started from colonialism and world dominance of the white race. After a while people start living by association.

We just need to get our act together.

Farki:
I meant they literally worship white skin and blonde hair.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDzhxYQ_XGY


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Few8kJ0zfnY


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZ3RbDTc_fY

No. They "worship" success and innovation. The Chinese used the whites to develop their nation because the whites had something they wanted; ingenuity, success, wealth. Their lands were functioning and developed and were a model of convenient living. They don't particularly like them.

Blacks: we set ourselves up because when people visit our lands they are shocked at how backward we are. Wealth alone is not enough for respect (our wealthy are corrupt anyway), it's how we live, our infrastructure, our reasoning, our inventiveness. It's just not respectable. When they see that, coupled with our begging them for assistance, they have no other option than to see our as inferior (its a subconscious thing).

In my negotiation class in business school we learnt how to be in a win win situation. Basically both parties must have something to offer. If not one will win and the other lose. We are not equals in the world spectrum because of what we do not offer. We can shout all we want, it just leads to charity and pity.

Farki:
It is part of their culture to worship whites and hate blacks.

This is a very sensible contribution. Nothing more to add to it.

festacman:
Racism is difficult to erase as it is usually put in the minds of people from childhood through racial slurs, stereotyping and prejudices. This engraves enduring sense of race superiority in the . It is the same thing with sense of ethnic superiority, which is common here in Nigeria.

However, extreme racism comes from feeling of combination of superiority and benefactory. A son of a millionaire will rarely treat the child of gateman as a mate or equal. The sense of superiority is there. But all that will certainly change if in future the son of gateman achieved success and wealth to operate on the same frequency with the son of the rich man. Respect is earned and sense of superiority disappears.

My point is Nigeria and Nigerians will continue to be rated and viewed poorly by Chinese and other such countries until we elect visionary leaders, install basic infrastructure that are taken for granted in other countries, upgrade our economy, import less and produce more locally and stop dependence on economies such as China for goods, services and developmental loans and grants.

As far as we remain a hopelessly unproductive import-depedence country known largely for a medley of mismanaged oil wealth, corrupt leaders and systems, runaway doctors, good footballers, youth emigration, online frauds, drug trafficking, etc., don't expect to be treated like a giant when you are actually a midget.

A lot of factors at play:

1. Some people due to a dramatic childhood or how they were introduced to love think it must be full of drama to be real, and get bored when it’s regular. These kind of people thrive in conflict and attitude and tears, it means to them that love is real. It’s false and always leads to breakup (sometimes after many years).

Two: sometimes you see someone from afar and develop a mental picture of who they are. Once you get to have a conversation you realize they aren’t your type and nothing like the image. No one’s fault, just two people discovering what works.

Three: some people chase others to validate their ego. They might have seen said person as hard to get, maybe even discussed it with their friends and set out to see what they could get. Once they “won” they moved on.

Four: they are afraid of love. They have low self esteem and are frightened they might not be a good partner or even deserving of love, so they self sabotage.

Five: love vs lust. Lust will be all encompassing, until sex. Then it’s over. True love is steady and caring.

Either way: if he’s ignoring you, move on. It’s not your job to figure his life out for him. Don’t be a plaything in his context of reasons.

Love should not be so hard, that’s why most people will tell you when they met the one, things flowed so amazingly smoothly.

Harllaby:
[color=#000055]Honestly, the man is only being truthful to himself by asking his partner for money. So because you borrowed him 500k you feel like you can rub it on his face. The guy was never at fault from what you wrote instead you are the one that refuses to voice out your feelings by assuming he should know what you want.

Tell him how you feel and if he isn't what you want in a man, then go look for your type. [/color]

The way you men quickly attack a woman when she has a case against a man is amazing. Where did she say she rubbed it in his face? If it were a man asking for advice in a similar scenario wouldn't you call the woman a goal digger and dependent? Please be unbiased in responding irrespective of gender. The man's family is not her responsibility, especially a boyfriend. He should be ashamed of himself.

And trying to shame her for saying no? He cares nothing about her please.

OP, leave him. He is not the sort of man you can depend on as a head of your family one day, or a leader.

Descorts:
We started as friends. We were so close she could do anything for me and I could do anything for her.

She had a boyfriend who was a serial cheat and treated her like trash. It got to a point they broke up and he left. She was heartbroken.

I gave her my shoulders to lean on. I was there for her throughout those turbulent times and made sure she was never sad again.

She moved on. 2 months on we started dating. It was all fun and rosy. I'm not the type to fall deeply in love or should I say, women don't tickle my fantasy, I'd rather be with my goons than be with any girl.

But this girl came into my life and I don't know what she did to me to make me so in love with her. I loved her, she loved me. It was a heaven made match and a relationship anyone would wish for. On my birthday she got me a really expensive gift and I fell even more for her.

3 months on, her birthday was close and I was planning to make it special for her. Then I heard her ex came back in town, I wasn't troubled, "she loves me so much and she won't bat an eyelid for him anymore" I thought.

And then it happened. She left me for her ex who came back for her. I heard from a reliable source that before he came back, they'd been communicating online and the guy told her he's coming to take her back and he did take her from me.....

I am broken.....
I shall rise again in no time, and when I rise... I AM GOING TO BE A HEARTLESS MONSTER.
These hoes... non virgins or virgins, young or old, I shall toy with their emotions and break them....

GAME ON

The girl loved you, she just wasn’t in love with you. She loved you as a friend and honestly tried, that’s why she bought you gifts and tried to reciprocate your love. She knew that’s what you wanted. But honestly she wasn’t in love with you. There is no way she could have told you because you only wanted one thing and she knew it and she didn’t want to lose your friendship.

Secondly, she was not fully recovered from her ex. It’s not that easy to get over someone who’s been in our lives for years.

Honestly you both just handled a vulnerable situation the wrong way. She wanted to move on from her ex and gave you a chance. You felt you could show her something different and that would be enough. No one in this equation considered there is the intangible variable called love for an ex; a heart issue that can’t be tossed aside without adequate time. It is not anyone’s place to tell someone who to love. If it is unhealthy she needs to learn for herself.

Now turning into a monster: I know someone who was once heart broken and later they met someone else. They determined to not allow the old hurt influence their present, after all isn’t that giving the other person control? This new relationship has been beautiful, stressless, and much better than the past. Question: what if they had become a monster? They would have ended up hurting and losing their best.

The strength of a human is revealed when they face crisis. There is nothing new under the sun.

Bottom line: learn from this and be truthful with yourself. You have and had no right to expect this girl to love you. She didn’t ask you to be her knight in shinny armor, you decided that. If you truly loved her you would let her with her free will. This can show you that you have a giving heart. Now wait to give it to the right person. And learn when a relationship should stay in the friend zone only.

bitingcool:
I will choose an uninfected ABA face mask anyday over a Chinese infected facemask

ABEG OOOO NIGERIANS... WHO GET EAR MAKE E HEAR OOOO!!!

I hear say the masks and test kits sent to Africa are already infected with corona virus.
The ones sent to Holland, Canada, Netherlands, England all tested positive for corona virus

Tell your family, hospital, friends to reject it oooo.


WHO GET EAR MAKE E HEAR!!

These people want the world to fall on its knees by force.
Spread this message
Google test kits and masks infected with Corona virus.

Make una hear oooooo!!!!!


https://www.businessinsider.com/coroanvirus-holland-recalls-over-half-a-million-masks-imported-from-china-2020-3

3


This is a lie. They returned them because they were faulty as in not made with the right material. The same way these Nigerian mask might not be.

The sanitary conditions of those tailors workshops would never meet medical standards. Look at production houses overseas, even this China, the mask are produced in controlled environments and the personnel are wearing gloves and safety gear, and the process is automated so hands are not touching it.

You guys take information and spread it without thinking. Read the article again. The mask were returned because medical establishments have standards not because of corona virus!

Corona virus can’t even live on clothes up to 4 days and it takes more than a week for mask to arrive from China.

America just order more than a million N95 from China. You think they would without testing?

This info can get Nigerians killed.

bitingcool:
It's way better.


ABEG OOOO NIGERIANS... WHO GET EAR MAKE E HEAR OOOO!!!

I hear say the masks and test kits sent to Africa are already infected with corona virus.
The ones sent to Holland, Canada, Netherlands, England all tested positive for corona virus and are being sent back

Tell your family, hospital, friends to reject it oooo.


WHO GET EAR MAKE E HEAR!!

These people want the world to fall on its knees by force.
Spread this message
Google test kits and masks infected with Corona virus.

Make una hear oooooo!!!!!


https://www.businessinsider.com/coroanvirus-holland-recalls-over-half-a-million-masks-imported-from-china-2020-3

bitingcool:
It's way better.


ABEG OOOO NIGERIANS... WHO GET EAR MAKE E HEAR OOOO!!!

I hear say the masks and test kits sent to Africa are already infected with corona virus.
The ones sent to Holland, Canada, Netherlands, England all tested positive for corona virus and are being sent back

Tell your family, hospital, friends to reject it oooo.


WHO GET EAR MAKE E HEAR!!

These people want the world to fall on its knees by force.
Spread this message
Google test kits and masks infected with Corona virus.

Make una hear oooooo!!!!!


https://www.businessinsider.com/coroanvirus-holland-recalls-over-half-a-million-masks-imported-from-china-2020-3

This is a lie. They returned them because they were faulty as in not made with the right material. The same way these Nigerian mask might not be.

The sanitary conditions of those tailors workshops would never meet medical standards. Look at production houses overseas, even this China, the mask are produced in controlled environments and the personnel are wearing gloves and safety gear, and the process is automated so hands are not touching it.

You guys take information and spread it without thinking. Read the article again. The mask were returned because medical establishments have standards not because of corona virus!

Corona virus can’t even live on clothes up to 4 days and it takes more than a week for mask to arrive from China.

America just order more than a million N95 from China. You think they would without testing?

This info can get Nigerians killed.

Agree with this. Many men here marry women with kids because they see value in people. Life is transient, not everyone is struggling for things that really mean very little. Nigerians are said to be religious but their religion dies with action. How any one that goes to church can see a little boy as nothing because he didn't come from his seed is beyond me. A human being God created! And we wonder why we are not blessed. We fight for every little crumb; who bares my name, is he a boy or a girl, how are my assets going to grow etc etc. Yet like all humans we live and die and everything is but dust.

Foreigners (westerners) adopt, foster kids all the time. They are step fathers to boys and girls, and they do better jobs than the biological fathers. I know someone personally. Married a woman with three kids. Their dad was a dead beat. They love him and cherish him. He never had kids of his own. Now he is dealing with cancer, they are there taking care of him. He is dad! They are white!

We, are seeing the boy as scum of the earth, a bastard and only as a son of another man. May God have mercy on our cold hearts. Yet none of you men had your mothers neglect you!

Take your son home. Let the father go if need be. A man that cannot share your pain and want to comfort you at a time like this, to see you happy, will never be enough for you when you are down.

He is not honorable. Don't apologize for fighting for your child. Don't cater to his ego and hurt feelings. That is a human he basically could see dead.

Why are you even discussing this here? That is your blood. Do you need marriage that desperately? You are allowing yourself to be a victim. If you go to your son, fight for him, apologize to him, mark my words that boy will be your rock one day.

That husband of yours will not.

Question: would you still have a friend who spits on you at the lowest time of pain? No? Then why would you share your life with a man who is supposed to be your rock and yet spits on your pain? You don't have to divorce him. Just separate. Even God in the bible said, "Can a mother forsake the child she has bore? Though she might I will never forsake you." Note that God used the most deepest love to show how He couldn't. That's because for a mother to forsake a child is unnatural. Yet even with that He can do more and beyond.

God put in a mother a deep sacrificial love in her for her children.

Men: if a woman can neglect her child you should never be with her. The mere fact that this man wants her to do so, means he is evil.

eyinjuege:
You tell lies.
Blended families are nothing new to the whiteman.
It's something I see everyday in my line of work, where a white woman has all her 3 children living with her new partner with their own 2 children.
I see such scenarios more times than I can count.
There is an old man I recently saw, who is very sick and I was surprised to see his children (who are older than me by far) looking after him.
The children are also all grown (over 40 years) living in their own places with their own families but they left all, to alternate looking after their father. He had 2 white sons and a daughter.
What was shocking to me was to realise this black man (Carribean black) had white children looking after him. His children were white and he was a full black man.
They were washing him up, feeding him, changing him. Infact, you can palpate how troubling the family felt as they are losing the man they've called father all their life. The older son was most visibly affected as you could see the tears in his eyes and even his voice when talking to you.
It was the family pictures in his home that explained a lot as I was initially confused hearing them keep saying dad and seeing it could not be biologically so.
I saw his wedding pictures as a young man, married to a white lady.
I saw pictures of these white children when they were young growing up with this black man, laughing, playing and going on several holidays. He was their dad and that's what they called him. He raised them and they would do anything for him. Their mother died long ago, and he continued to raise them as his.

Why are you so judgmental and condemning? She was asked for her hand in marriage and a promise to look after her and her kids, that means kids were discussed. What was wrong in her saying yes and believing the man? Why are you judging her instead of the man that lacks integrity? because you see her as rubbish for having two kids? Are they not human beings and have you never ever made a mistake in life? You are wicked.

AroOkigbo:
Why did you accept his proposal? You should have said NO and live your life with your kids till they are mature.
But no, you wanted to answer Mrs.
#selfishwoman

Why didn't you step up and save him when the maltreatment started? Why keep him there that long, until it got to that point?

Vyvyanvyvy:
My son has turned bad because of the way my sister in law has being treating him , a child who used to eat 3 square meal a day , now he is being deprived of foods and what do you expect him to apart from steeling ? I know what he did was wrong but he did it because he was hungry and his not a bad boy , that’s why I want him back with him because with me he will have his happy life back and he won’t go out there and steel

Your son is 12. You left him at 9. The boy has been maltreated and is so hungry he had to steal food! As his only parent (mother for that matter) you have caused him great pain and the trauma will define him for a long time. A mother is intrinsically believed to be the most support and love a child can feel. It was a big mistake to allow your husband to send him away, with a paltry excuse of accommodation.

Now he doesn't want him to harm his children? That boy is about to be homeless and you as a mother can even consider your husband's opinion over a child you bore? One day you will regret this. Your son is dealing with serious rejection.

You are paying 70% of the bills with a man that cannot love you enough to see your child as his own? And you can bare to look at him because he made you a married woman? Do you know that that boy would have grown up to take care of you?

I'm a mother and can't imagine the pain that child is going through, and i could die for my children.

You want to know what to do? Might not be popular but go to your son. Reduce expenses and care for him. That one act will save his life. Your husband can either join or move on.

P/s: I know a Nigerian man who is caring for six children, only three are his own. They bare his name, and he's making all these sacrifices because he loves his wife. Don't act like he did you a favor marrying you. Save your son. He is not a bad boy. He is psychologically pained and rejected and very very scared.

Vyvyanvyvy:
I had 2 children. When I got married, my husband had none and accepted them like his own children.

Before marriage, we had discussed about the children living with us after marriage but that couldn’t be possible anymore because we were having financial problem so we couldn’t afford to move to a bigger apartment. We were staying in a room self contain with my daughter while my son was staying with my elder brother and his wife.

Now three years after we had moved to a bigger house still my husband doesn’t want my son to come and live with us. At the moment my son is going through hard times. My sister in law has been maltreating him to an extent that he has been stealing, he was caught and beaten like an animal. My brother said he doesn’t want him in his house again. He wants me to come and collect him.

I pleaded with my husband for me to bring him with us but he said no, he should stay there because he doesn't want him to damage our children. I’m angry at him I stopped talking to him and I don’t know where my son will go because I have no mother no father it’s only my elder brother and kid sister even my sister who is married doesn’t want him. I’m pained and in tears seeing my only son suffering while I’m still alive and I’m helpless to protect him.

Anyone that tells you to give our full salary in the name of God is wicked. It is unwise to take one example in the personal life of a bible character and make it a universal gospel. That is not good homiletics.

The problem in Nigerian religion is that many are just carbon copying each other's teachings without strong education in theology, or if there is certification, it is not from a renown biblical institution.

God knows you have rent, feeding, housing to take care of, why would He want you to give your full salary and then go borrow for the month? That is against scripture that says, The borrower is subject to the lender."

The above referenced video is in error on many levels. Just because someone sounds intelligent and articulate doesn't make their reasoning right.

Finally at some point you have to understand that God in the bible showed his magnificence by EVIDENCE, meaning if he said something it actually happened. Example, cross the red sea. The red sea actually divided, there was no "maybe it will happen if you step first on the water," or "God is waiting for your faith first," or "you missed it because you are human and heard wrongly," if nothing happens. When God said something, He backed it up. Africans have been paying tithe and giving first fruits for decades. At some point we should be the continent with the most millionaires.

So, those that die by this rule please examine yourself honestly. San fraud, or bribery, or other vices you know is not backed by scripture, has your constant "doing this for God," produced the EVIDENCE of his support? In the end who are those on Forbes as millionaires and Billionaires? What is the commonality they share? Is it what your preacher espouses? Or is it business principles and strategy applied in discipline and hard work? May all receive wisdom.

afonjabreed:
Please I want to ask a question.

What do Nigerians who left the country and travelled abroad do (what's their sources of income), because some left Nigeria with no hope of getting a job abroad.

And judging by the desperation of the youth about getting out of this country I think they have the believe that once they leave this country the odds are in their favour. I really want to know what they do

REWORDED:
What do Nigerians who travel abroad do for a living, especially those with no hope of getting a job?

Judging from the desperation of the youth in this country I think they believe that once they leave this country the odds are in their favor. I really want to know what they do.

Kingosytex:
Nigerians always twist stories to suite what they want to hear, Ese Walters never said pastor Biodun raped her, she said she was MANIPULATED, so all those guys who have been saying otherwise should hear from the horse's mouth


As for Busola, things are not always as they appear to be because in the word "BELIEVE" there is also the word "LIE"

See this is the sort of platitudes people run with without thinking. In the word believe there is LIE. Then someone will run with it. So the whole bible that is full of believe in God, has in that belief LIE. SMH.

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DEEKAH7:
Wow... Dats nice..i am in similar situation ryt now.. Introduced my Girl to my mum,, although mum likes her,, she's hardworking and all...but mum just said No..
Her reason??
She's from Kogi and we are frm d East.. D language barrier... Mum said she wnt Me to marry a girl if she comes to d House, she can speak d language to and relate well.... Plz i need ur advice....i need u guys advice....

P. S. Am her only Son....
#no harsh words plz.. Passin tru alot alredi

Well, i know someone who reasoned like your mom. The person married someone else because of language etc etc...well the marriage is bad but hey, they are speaking the same language.

I understand your mom, but bottomline you are not marrying a wife for your mom and she will depart this earth some day.

My thoughts:
It is wise to listen to elders or our parents if and only if the relationship with them is not dysfunctional.

What i mean is let's not pretend that all family dynamics are healthy. Some parents make decisions for their children based on their own needs, not the kids. Only you truly know the dynamics of your family. If you know in your heart your mom would never lead you astray, or is selfless, or isn't a jealous controlling type, then ask her to give you her reasons and listen to them. If the reasons are tribal, or snotty, or based on some tradition that doesn't make sense, do not make a judgment on the girl because of it. I have met many many people who married to please parents, and they are very unhappy. So use wisdom but do not, in a blanket way, just assume mom is correct. Bless her heart, she might actually just not want to lose her son.

So bottom line, make a decision after much counsel, not just because mom said it.

On the other hand, i'm not sure you truly love the girl. I have never known someone in love who will not at least put up a fight for his or her love, at least some effort. Shoot! men have gone to war for the love of their life. So maybe this is good, as a sign that you are not ready and in that case it is best to just tell the girl you need some space but no need to bring your mother into it.

No, just because it’s women relatable topics doesn’t mean it’s feminist, just like a novel can be more geared towards a female market. Just a niche. Go watch it and see for yourself.

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eyinjuege:
I don't see a car as such a valuable to attach so much sentiments to. That's me personally.
The only reason she probably instructed her son not to allow his father drive the car she bought with her money is so that he doesn't carry his new baby mama and child in it.
I feel that's fair enough, as most people will not want their wives to carry her lovers in a car they bought for her.
So it's not really about turning the OP against his father.
Allowing the father drive her car (and he'll definitely carry his new family in it) is just like rubbing salt/pepper on a fresh wound.
The Ops mother has her blames, but so does the father.
The only reason the OP still has any respect for his father is because his mother is successful enough to meet all his needs, so he has never really experienced any lack.
If all his mother's hustles didn't pay off, and he's had to struggle to feed, clothe, pay school fees despite his father earning reasonably well I'm very sure he would probably be saying a different story about his dad.
Like I said, hunger is no man's friend, and those who struggled with irresponsible parents are the best to give an objective view of this. I see a lot of threads on NL attesting to such.

Honestly i am shocked at the number of Nigerian men that are covered by their wives. I just never knew this, but honestly i have now seen a lot of homes and men showing off that are really not the bread winners and are using their wives money to feel manly. What i have noticed is that some cultures in Nigeria really frown on divorce or leaving and so the women just deal with it. I mean strong looking, handsome and vibrant men! I'm amazed.

euromilion:
I know of a woman that was acting exactly as your mum,guess what?she's on wheelchair now,not going to walk again.she ended up on a car crash and broke her spine while coming back from a party with her secret boy friend,now the husband has all her mess to tidy.

I pray that don't happen to your mum,but karma is a bitch.

So you assume the mom is with a boyfriend? Well, karma is a bitch...the dad is actually the one with the girls, the one spending his money outside. But you did not see that right? maybe he is living his karma and the mom is the one blessed because of the many tearful prayers in the early years. Her parents are dead so maybe in heaven (lets assume) they have petitioned God to bless their only daughter and cover her. Maybe that's why she has prospered...see we can have many maybes but we can not just throw the woman under the bus. Looks like the one blessed is her.

lilien001:
To me it seems you re passing unfair judgment on your mum. Yes, she probably over reacted but something triggered it. The first thing I'll like to state is how you quickly belittled the case of your dad having a child out of wedlock. For that to have happened, he obviously was cheating on your mum while married, possibly several times. Your mum's actions may be as a consequence of your dad's. Again, she foots 80% of a Bill while she has a husband earning 400k. Haba! Where does his sopposed salary even go? These are things enough to frustrate any woman and bring out her bad side. I'm not saying your mum is right, but give her the benefit of doubt

It's the classic case of a child putting the absent or negligent parent on a pedestal but taking advantage of the parent who is making the real sacrifice, hence showing real love. One day he will realize what he is doing. If not for his mother he would not even be the man he is today, the one who is likely impressing his friends with his possessions. Instead of him to laud women in seeing the strength of his mother, he is allowing culture and manhood to create bias against the only person really giving him dignity.

Sorry if i sound harsh, but i just can not imagine how the mom would feel to see what he wrote and how he wrote it. in marriage there are two things that are its foundation: trust and security. His father took that away. Of course it is easy to blame the woman but every time a man blames a woman for his character flaw revealed in lack of integrity and inner strength, he is accepting he is a child and not as strong as he claims he should be, after all don't we teach our kids to keep their values no matter what? Not to be influenced by external forces?

You do not know how to process what is going on in your house, but from your statement it looks like you have already blamed your mom because your dad is a man. At this point you are biased.

You will never fully know what your dad has put your mother through. Culture aside, women have feelings and sometimes to simply live without depression they take drastic measures. You do not know whether your mother would be a shadow of her existence if she did not put up this front, or continue her life making money.

You do not know the number of nights she might have cried as a new bride, and tried this whole submissive thing because i love him while your dad spent his money on outsiders and demeaned her. You really don't know, you are only a child looking for "peace" for your convenience.

For you and your mom to survive she became what she did. There comes a time in a woman's life when she decides to either die internally or agree with her fate, decide not to divorce, but live an independent life within the home, devoid of emotions. That is the consequence of years of pain.

400,000 Naira is a lot of money with only 20% responsibility, and a baby outside to boot. Your father is not who you think he is.

I guess what i am saying is, try to stay out of what you can. If your mom's request is hurting your conscience, tell her that you can not abide by it etc as you want a healthy relationship with your dad, but the dynamics between them is way past you, likely before you were born. Do not in trying to use cultural bias etc, end up hurting your mom. She might just be surviving emotionally because of you. Take that away and you could damage your mom.

Let me give a perspective since something like this happened to me. When i was pregnant with my last child, i was a member of a small church. There was a girl in that church that got pregnant out of wedlock. Oh she was loved, no doubt, and the church did not condemn her but because they were trying so hard to show they are graceful, one day they called her to the stage and prayed over her and her unborn child (no worries), but went as far as making a big deal of her condition and that they are not judging.

Well the whole thing felt off, because no matter what it looked like we were celebrating clearly what was not what we wanted young people to think was okay based on scripture. It was even more weird because there i was pregnant within the scriptural way and i was not being overly celebrated, and from the way people were glancing at me and the whole situation it was clear the contrast was running through their minds. At some point the pastor felt it. See, that was all done in the name of showing grace and forgiveness.

So my perspective to you is this - you are putting your pastor between a rock and a hard place because if they celebrate you like that it could come off as a license, but if they don't you might feel judged. However you are not judged, it is not about you, but about a bigger community you are part of - your church family. And i would advise you to stop thinking about yourself in this. It is not personal. They have given you an alternative that is reasonable in line with what they have to enforce within the community.

By the way this was a caucasian led church in case people think it is a cultural issue.

Minemrys:
why marry that pers0n fr0m the get go only to cheat on him? It means u were either after the m0ney or u are just a LovePeddler. Can't find how best to explain it.

Not necessarily. Caveat: cheating is wrong but

.... Let's look at human nature. A woman has needs, we can accept that right? She has emotions in which disgust can be one. Accepted?

She has a husband. He is double the size she married him, poor grooming, smells, hair growing out his nose. She tells him kindly he gets annoyed. She cooks healthy he complains wanting his Garri and soup, the very thing keeping him fat. Then he sleeps beside her, not fresh at all. Are you saying you honestly can not see temptation being a major problem for her outside?

Okay maybe you can't, after all you are a man. So close your eyes and imagine all I wrote and replace with your wife.

Then give me an honest answer.

Read almost all the comments. Very interesting. I also deduce that a lot of men here are responding from a hurt ego. The fact is men don't want to imagine that women think like them and have expectations. They can complain about a fat woman or wife, and cheat with a young fit thing but it is shocking a woman can see them the same way. That is hypocrisy, but egos are hurt, I understand.

Bottom line cheating is wrong but being pot bellied, round puffy face is unattractive. It just is. I don't understand why a lot of Nigerian men let themselves go. Working out is not a chore, if anything it lowers cholesterol, high blood pressure and other medical ailments.

In my home we are fit. The whole family. I go to the gym three times a week with a personal trainer and run twice in addition. I don't live in the gym. These moments are 45mins a day. My hubby thrice a week for an hour and he is a very busy man, but most of it is we eat very healthy.

So egos and insults aside, the fact is letting oneself go is unattractive and so off the times we live in.

Op I know you will not cheat but if you prefer a healthy man date someone who has a lifestyle of fitness. There are men like that.