₦airaland Forum

Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket

Man to a woman: "we men are definatly more important than women, thats why God 'formed' Man first"

Woman to man: "men are NOT more important than women, and the reason God 'formed' man first is because every artist does a 'rough draft' before 'creating' his final 'MASTERPIECE'

A clas was havin religious studies. Mary was always slpn in clas. 0ne day the teacha decidd 2 ask her a question whle she was slpn. "mary who was da creator of the universe?" a boy sitin bhind her poked her with hs pencil "God almighty"sh screamd, "good!"Sh said "now mary who was the creatorz son", da boy poked ha again "jesus christ!" she exclaimd. "good again! Nw mary wat did eve say 2 adam afta they had their 4th chld?" once agan da boy poked nd sh screamd "if u stick that thng into 1 mre time, im gna take it, break it in half n shove it up ur ass!!"

While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints,and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike

LMAO

Very very very funny!!!

Hilarious!!!

Na human Rice!!!

yeah very funny!!! LMAO

if potters enjoy pottery, cooks enjoy cookery, and poets enjoy poetry. y can't adults enjoy adultery. lol!

A man was aske to come n connect a wire in a pole,and dere was a tank full wit beer beside de pole.wen de man notice it,he faire inside de tank.and there was a computer regulator connected to tank,the computer starts alarm started reading.A MAN in de tank,A MAN in de tank.in a short while de computer alarm change and start reading de tank in de man,de tank in de MAN,de tank in de man.

Cigarette consumption will reduce if d ad read "cigarettes contains fat",

An excaped Convict finds himself in a home were d couples r makin out. he surrenders d man,n chaind him 2 d chair. he den climbed on top of d woman n whispers in2 her ear n heads 2 d bathroom. d husband bn afraid,tells d wife "honney,pls take heart n just give him watever he asks". d wife turnd 2 her husband n says,"honey,he was whisperin 2 me 2 know were we keep our vaseline cos he is a gay,so honey,take heart,give him ur maximum surport,luv u so much

The Formation that would destroy any team!!!

Real Madrid: Season 2009-10 Preview
The Galacticos are back! Love them or hate them, there’s simply no way to avoid their presence as the eyes of the world will be set on the latest batch of superstars from the Spanish capital.



Real Madrid
Real Madrid spent the entirety of the 2008-09 season in Barcelona’s shadow. Not only did Los Merengues have to endure a shambolic mess in the boardroom, they had to put up with the unprecedented treble success of eternal enemies Barcelona.

But ironically, it is the glorious Catalan triumph that has spurred the ‘White House’ to undergo an unparalleled revolution as they look to ensure that they will never have to suffer such ignominy ever again. And the place to start was, of course, the shopping window.

Summer Market

President Florentino Perez transformed football transfers when he took control of Madrid for the first time back in 2000, and now, nine years later, he has completely changed the face of market once again, although most will argue that it has had a negative effect on the world game.

Never has a club been so audacious, ambitious and extravagant in rebuilding a squad in one single summer. And never has a club spent over €250 million in a space of just two months, an average of €30 million a week. Fans and readers need no reminder how much Senor Perez splashed out to acquire Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo. But for Madridistas, how much was spent is irrelevant. It’s the fact that the construction tycoon delivered what he had promised… and then some.

However, the market is not all about buying, and unlike most other clubs, it is selling off their players that has been the major issue this summer. Fringe players such as Javi Garcia, Javier Saviola, Alvaro Negredo and Klaas-Jan Huntelaar have already left, as have veterans Michel Salgado, Fabio Cannavaro and Gabriel Heinze, but the club are still scrambling desperately to off-load either Rafael van der Vaart or Wesley Sneijder to boost their transfer income closer to the €60m mark.


Fantastic Four | Madrid's galactic signings

Squad

Madrid will not have any problems with squad depth. In fact, they have too much of it.

Competition for places will be fierce, but that will elevate the standard and the quality. Bar a select few, almost everyone will have to prove themselves to the new coach and directors. But one man who shouldn’t have any problems is Iker Casillas.

The goalkeeping 'Saint' will be helped by fellow Spanish internationals, Sergio Ramos and Raul Albiol in front of him, while the Portuguese-speaking duo of Pepe and Marcelo should complete the back line, leaving new signing Alvaro Arbeloa to act as cover on either flank when necessary.

From midfield onwards is where the headaches begin. Lassana Diarra and Xabi Alonso are almost certain to be permanent fixtures at the centre of the park, as the double pivot is a necessity. The two most expensive players in the world, Cristiano Ronaldo and Kaka, will be entrusted with the task of bringing the sexy back into Madrid’s football, and expect them to roam all over the pitch, switching and swapping positions. This means that the likes of Arjen Robben, Fernando Gago, Wesley Sneijder (if he stays), Guti and Esteban Granero will have to scrap for playing time.

In attack, the emblematic Raul, impressive for most of the pre-season, could be dropped from a regular starting berth, although the captain has always risen to the challenge to prove his worth. If omitted for tactical reasons, Karim Benzema will be the favourite to spearhead the front line, but the likes of Gonzalo Higuain and Ruud van Nistelrooy will be ready to pounce should the Frenchman take too long to find his stride.



Star Man

Pick your poison: Ronaldo, Kaka, Benzema, Xabi Alonso, as well as the established figures like Raul, ‘Pipita’ and Iker Casillas.

In a squad full of galactic superstars, it’s hard to pin-point one particular name who will likely emerge as the hero, but if there’s one man that the team will rely on heavily, it is Kaka. The Brazilian will be expected to pull the strings in midfield and lead the attacking charge with the same kind of panache that Zinedine Zidane exhibited. Not only that, ‘Ricky’ will be required to contribute occasionally on the scoresheet. Anyone fancy him netting an out-of-this-world volley in this season’s Champions League final?


Delicious | Will Kaka leave fans licking their lips?


One To Watch

If Kaka is the star player, then Cristiano Ronaldo is certainly the one to watch, for good or for bad. Fans, media, his peers and especially his detractors will cast their full attention on ‘CR9’ from the opening whistle in the very first league match of the term. The fact that he has, by his own admission, performed poorly in the pre-season will make the spotlight on him shine even hotter, and you just have the feeling that €94 million worth of knives will be out if he fails to find his gears soon.


Star Gazing | The eyes of the world will be on CR9

Coach

Some would say that Manuel Pellegrini has just walked into a dream job after being offered with a fantasy football squad gift-wrapped with a ribbon. Others, however, would say that he will have the biggest headache a football coach has ever had to endure as he tries to assimilate his ideas and philosophies with a squadron of new players and superegos. And don’t forget the overwhelming pressure.

Like most of the megastars, the first few league games will be critical for ‘El Ingeniero’. The Madrid bosses are never shy of sacking their coaches, and Pellegrini will not be given a second chance if he fails to produce results on the scoreboard and champagne on the field.


The Engineer | The mastermind to Madrid's revival?


Objective

The ‘Casa Blanca’ have already advised their ultra-demanding fans not to heighten expectations too greatly so as to allow the team to settle, but in truth the directors will be targeting, at the very least, success in the Champions League, where the final will be played in their own backyard.

In a way, 2010 will be like 2002, their centenary year, when they were expected to march to the treble. They failed then, but this is a chance to make amends.

Giving a Lady space is necessary, it would afford you the time to think about the relationship, see what you have gained from it and check out the loss if it outweigh the advantages, to evaluate the relationship!!!

You're walking alone!!!

Kissing is best enjoyed when the eyes are closed to avoid distraction!!!

Distance Relationship is not a bad ideal, although it has its own disadvantage!!!

The Leopard can not change it's skin !!!

I'll go for my own SERGIO RAMOS!!!