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A Farmer caught a thief who had been stealing his yams and decided to drag him to the village square. Half-way to the square, the thief said to the man: ''pleade I av forgotten my slipperd in the farm, can I go and get them? The former obliged, ''Hurry up! I wud be waiting for u here.'' He waited endlessly and realised he had been fooled. He went home and told his elder brother wat happened. His brother brutally slapped him and said, ''You are extremely dumb! U shud have told the thief to wait while u go get his slippers for him him..''
Good morning

Teacher: The first son of Adam was named?..
Akpos: Adamu. Cool
Teacher: Akpos, assuming you were at a bus stop and boko-haram throws a bomb. What will you do?
Akpos: i will stop assuming…..
Teacher; what is a verb?
Akpos; a verb is a valve in a bicycle tyre
Teacher; what are u sayin?
Akpos; its a complete sentence sir
Teacher; are u mad?
Akpos; its a question sir
Teacher; dont be stupid
Akpos; its an advice sir
Teacher; stop that nonsence!
Akpos; its a command sir
Teacher; U are an idiot
Akpos; its an insult sir
Teacher; get out of my class!
Akpos; its an order sir
Teacher; oh goodness!,,, what a boy!,,,
Akpos; its an exclamation sir
Teacher; may God hav mercy on U
Akpos; its a prayer sir
…. the teacher fainted

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A class teacher in naija dey instructs his students 2 each stand up and make a short poem about thier name and what they’d like 2 do in future.
The first to start is Usman, ha said..
USMAN; my name is usman
I will grow up and be a man
I will like to go to japan
if I can, if I can
The 2nd student is a girl named Candy, she said..
CANDY; my name is candy
I will grow up and be a lady
and i will like 2 have a baby
if i can, if i can
and finally there is Akpos, the original naija guyg, he said..
Akpos; my name is Akpos
I will grow up 2 be a man
to hell with japan
am going to help candy with her plan
i know i can , i know i can… Matrix
Happy Weekend!!

Akpos died and went to heaven where he met Angel Micheal ..
Akpos: “So finally I make heaven after all the rubbish wey I do for life… Thank God for God Oooh!”
Angel Micheal: “Oya come enter ya room”
Akpos: “Bros Micheal, abeg wetin dey for downstairs cos di noise na DIE”
Angel Micheal: “Na hell fire be dat
Akpos: “I fit go peep?”
Angel Micheal: “No wahala but we go lock gate by 5pm so if you no quick come back you go just stay hell fire”
…Akpos goes to peep and there he sees all the celebrities that ever lived on earth clubbing and having a lot of fun. Akpos comes back by 4pm and…”
Angel Micheal speaks: “Nice to see you back early my son you are truly a son of God”
Akpos: “For where? I come pack my load before una Lock Heaven… Cool

Dem say boko haram don poison beans and i buy half bag for house. From di one wey i cook, i giv my dog ‘bingo’ make e first test am, 45mins lata bingo stil dey waka, I dey jolly den i eat my own. Afta i eat finish, my gateman run come tel me say bingo don die, hey! I run enta house and drink full gallon of palm oil for my belle. I dey tink my life come outside, my gateman com dey tell me say di driver wey kill bingo wan come beg me. If na u, wetin u go do di gateman?

>Akpos who was a houseboy usually sneaks into his Oga's room, drinks his wine and adds water to top it up. One day his Oga bought a new wine called pasties, it was a french wine that changes colour if water is added onto it. Akpos unaware of this, sneaks into his Oga's room, drank the new wine and added water on it. Immediately it started changing colour. Akpos: I am in trouble, big trouble. He ran to the kitchen. Meanwhile, oga and madam were sitted in the parlour, while Akpos was in the kitchen. ... OGA: Akpos Akpos: Oga OGA: who drank my pasties?. No answer! OGA: Akpos, who drank my pasties?. No answer. Oga walked to the kitchen and saw Akpos there. OGA: Are you insane or what?. Why when i call, you say "Oga" but when i ask you a question you don't answer me. Akpos: Oga when you are in the kitchen you don't understand anything, except your name. OGA: Is that so?. Okay go to the parlour, stand beside madam and ask me a questionwhile i stand here. Akpos went and did what oga said. Akpos: Ogaaaaaa OGA: Yes Akpos Akpos: Who goes into the maid's bedroom when madam is not at home?. No answer. Akpos: Ogaaaaaa!!! You dey hear me, i say who dey sneak enter the house girl room when madam no dey house. No answer. Oga runs out of the kitchen. OGA: Wonders shall never end. Akpos, it is true o, when one is in the kitchen, one doesnot hear anything, except one's name. MADAM: That's not true. It's a lie. Akpos: Madam, do you want to be tested?. MADAM: Yes Akpos: Oya enter the kitchen She enters. Akpos: Madam MADAM: Yes Akpos Akpos: Who is Junior's biological Father?. Me or Oga Madam rushed out of the kitchen MADAM: This kitchen needs to be fumigated o, i can't understand anything at all.

Se me ooooo, a girl posted a status today saying '' ALL MEN'S ARE GOAT. den i asked her, av u feed ur Father wit a grass today? Den she started abusing me......Pls whose fault?

Shehu was in Pry 3 in 1983, his teacher always yelled at him, calling him a waste of space and telling him he will never amount to anything in life..one day shehu's grandmother came to school on open day to see how her grandson has been doing. The teacher told her quite frankly that she had never seen such a dumb boy in all her life and advised her to withdraw and enroll him under a handicraft man because formal schooling for Shehu would be a total waste of time and money....The grandmother shocked at the feed back, withdrew her grandson from school and relocated to Maiduguri ...25 years later the teacher was diagnosed with brain tumor all the doctors she met strongly advised her to do surgery and that there is only one doctor that can do the procedure in Nigeria and he's in Maiduguri. Left with no option, the doctor agreed to have the surgery performed....'IT WAS SUCCESSFUL'....... . When she open her eyes after the surgery, she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her..she wanted to thank him but she couldn't speak..suddenly her face started turning pale, she made several attempts to raise her hand and tell him something but couldn't ..she struggled till she gave up the ghost. The doctor was shocked. He tried to find out what went wrong. Eventually he found out that it was our friend SHEHU (Now working as a cleaner in the hospital) who had disconnected the woman's ventilator to connect his phones charger=-[ ..... wait you thought Shehu became a doctor ? No! NO!! NO!!!..not in this my story anyway.....happy weekend.....

Mr James and his friend Mr Oko were arguing about their sons stupidity. Mr James argued that his son was more silly than Oko’s son. Oko however, disagreed, so they decided to put their sons to test. James called his son and asked him to buy something for him at the market. The boy ran out without even asking for what to buy and money. James said,”You see how silly he is? he didn’t even ask for what to buy or money“. Mr Oko retorted : "is this what you call foolishness? Just wait and see", Oko called his son and said “go home and check if I am in the house” Oko’s son took to his heel and came back panting,”papa U no dey house. Mama say U dey your friend's place. Abeg which one FOOLISH pass

Akpos' Final Exam.
Akpos was taking his final exam at Police College in Kano. Here is one of the questions:
"You are on patrol in the outskirts of Kano when an explosion occurs in the township.
On investigation you find a large hole has been blown in the footpath and there is an overturned van lying nearby. Inside the van there is a strong smell of alcohol. Both occupants a man and woman are injured.
You recognize the woman as the wife of your Divisional Inspector, who is at present away on a Peace Making Mission In Sudan.
A passing motorist stops to offer you assistance and you realize that he is a man who is wanted for armed robbery.
Suddenly a man runs out of a nearby house, shouting that his wife is expecting a baby and that the shock of the explosion has made the birth imminent.
Another man is crying for help, having been blown into an adjacent Canal by the explosion, and he cannot swim.
Describe in a few words what action you would take?"
Akpos thought for a moment, picked up his pen, and wrote: "I would take off my uniform and mingle with the crowd, do you want to turn me to a mad man?"

me

WOMEN READ THIS! BY Richard Okafor Everything that happens to women, men are always involve. - MENopause - MENstrogen - MENstrual pain - MENstrual cycle - MENtal problem - GUYnaecology - MENstrual flow Ladies take note! http://buff

POLICE ROAD BLOCK Police officers were at a road block. One of them stops a trailer: POLICEMAN: Where is your permit? DRIVER: (Hands in his permit) POLICEMAN: Do you have an extinguisher? DRIVER: Yes, its there… POLICEMAN: Light up your indicators. DRIVER: (Light his indicators) POLICEMAN: Do you have a seat belt? DRIVER: Yes, I have. POLICEMAN: Honk your horn let me hear. The driver honks his horn. The policeman turns to his fellow officers and says the man has everything and they decided to let him go. As the driver was about to drive away, one of the police officers suddenly shouts: POLICEMAN: Is your SIM-card registered? DRIVER: (Completely surprised) No. POLICEMAN: Park! Park there!!! How can you drive without registering your number? What if you are involve in an accident, how will we identify you? http:///1HJ2B47

Hi, a very dangerous snake that has astonished the scientists in the whole world has been discovered today in the morning according to BBC News...the strang snake that keeps on increasing 0.5 centimetre every second and if in any case it touches any part of its body using its own body, it dies immediately. This is the worlds most dangerous and poisonous snake..and this type of snake is available only in Nokia torchlight Mobile phones under games option.. snake Xenzia..Thanks for reading this very very Carefully...

ENGINE FAILURE Fifteen minutes into the flight from Lagos to Nairobi, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry... we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry... we still have one engine left." Akpos turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!" http:///1BIc9u4

AN HOUR OF GREAT SEX Kwame was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, “I don’t have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m confused.” His buddy said, “I have an idea – why don’t you make up a letter saying she can have an hour of great sex, any way she wants it – she’ll probably be thrilled.” So that’s what Kwame did. The next day at the bar, his buddy asked, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?” “Yes, I did,” said Kwame. “Did she like it?” His buddy asked. “Oh yes! she jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!”

ust a little something to keep in mind... A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. "What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning: "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it." The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers." The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose." So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them. The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

Akpos went to the doctor concerning an ailment he had. The following conversation took place between them: AKPOS: Please don't laugh at me when I reveal my ailment. DOCTOR: Of course I won't laugh! I have been in this profession for 30 years now and I have never laughed at a patient no matter the ailment. AKPOS: OK then. Akpos proceeded to drop his trousers and boxer, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen which was no bigger than a biro cover. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem? Do you want a penis enlargement?" Akpos replied, "No, my penis is swollen."

make una comment na .....

CHINESE SEX A Chinese man took a prostitute to his home and they started having sex. Once he was done, he jumped out of the bed, ran to the window, took a deep breath then went under the bed and came out through the other side and started having sex with the girl again. When he finished the second time, he jumped off the bed went to the window, took a deep breath, went under the bed and came out from the other side then started having sex again. He did these until the 8th time. The girl was really impressed by his stamina. After the 10th round, she decided to try it for herself. So she jumped off the bed, went to the window, took a deep breath, went under the bed and saw TEN more Chinese men unclad

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat." "But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 year-old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Do You Want To Go To Heaven Father Murphy goes into a local bar in Lagos and approaches the first man he sees. "Do you want to go to Heaven?" he asks. The man says, "Indeed I do, Father." "Then for God's sake," commands the priest, "leave this pub right now." He then goes to the next man, "Do you want to go to Heaven, my son?" And the man answers, "Yes Father, indeed I want to do that very thing." "Then ye must get out of this pub right now!" orders the priest. Father Murphy continues this throughout the pub until he comes to the last man. "Do you want to go to Heaven, man?!" exhorts the priest. The man looks at his half-full beer, turns, looks at Father Murphy and says, "No, I don't,Father." "You mean to tell me, young man, that when you die, you don't want to go to Heaven?" asks the priest incredulously. "Oh, well, when I die, yes Father, I certainly do. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!"

Football In Heaven There were two old guys, Akpos and Emeka, sitting on a bench outside Emeka's house and talking about football, just like they did every day. Akpos turns to Emeka and says, "Do you think there's football in heaven?" Emeka thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Akpos. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me, if there is football in heaven." They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Akpos passes on. One day soon afterward, Emeka is sitting on the bench by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Emeka... Emeka...." Emeka responds, "Akpos! Is that you?" "Yes it is me, Emeka," whispers the spirit of Akpos. Emeka, still amazed, asks, "So, is there football in heaven?" "Well," says Akpos, "I got good news and I got bad news." "Give me the good news first," says Emeka. Akpos says, "Well... there is football in heaven." Akpos sighs and whispers, "But you're playing on Friday."

long Life Patient: "Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am ninety?" Doctor: "How old are you now?" Patient: "40" Doctor: "Do you drink, gamble, smoke, womanise or do you have any other vice?" Patient: "No. I don’t drink. I don’t gamble. I don’t smoke. I don't womanise. I have no vice." Doctor: "Then why do you want to live for another fifty years?"

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick. He started shouting in the middle of the show, ''Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?...'' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot. They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said, ''OK, I give up. Where's the boat?''

OFFICER EAZY: What is your name? AKPOS: M.P sir. OFFICER EAZY: Meaning? AKPOS: Michael Peter sir. OFFICER EAZY: Your father's name? AKPOS: M.P sir. OFFICER EAZY: What does that mean? AKPOS: Moses Peter sir. OFFICER EAZY: Your native place? AKPOS: M.P sir. OFFICER EAZY: Dose that mean Makurdi Purum? AKPOS: No, Minna Port sir. OFFICER EAZY: What is your qualification? AKPOS: M.P sir. OFFICER EAZY: (Angry) What does that mean again?! AKPOS: Medical Physiology. OFFICER EAZY: So why do you need a job? AKPOS: M.P sir. OFFICER EAZY: (Feeling very frustrated) Meaning? AKPOS: Money Problem sir. OFFICER EAZY: What is your personality? AKPOS: M.P sir. OFFICER EAZY: (Tired of Akpos antics now) Would you explain yourself and stop wasting my time? AKPOS: Melancholic Personality. OFFICER EAZY: I see. I will get back to you. AKPOS: Sir, how's my M.P? OFFICER EAZY: And what's that again? AKPOS: My Performance sir. OFFICER EAZY: M.P. AKPOS: What's that? OFFICER EAZY: Mental Problematic!

ape Case II An 8 year old boy is accused of rape. In court, his lady lawyer holds his d**k out as evidence saying, "Your honour! See this, can he rape with this tiny tot?" The boy whispers, "Don't shake it, we'll lose the case!"

One day, a certain Arab man walked into a bar. As soon as he entered, he noticed a Jewish man sitting in the corner. So the Arab man walked over to the counter, removed his wallet and shouted, "Bar man! I am buying free drinks for everyone in this bar, except for that Jew man over there!" So the bar man collected the money from the Arab man and began serving free drinks to everyone in the bar, except to the Jewish man. However, instead of becoming upset, the Jewish man simply looked up at the Arab man and shouted, "Thank you!" This infuriated the Arab man. So once again, the Arab man took out his wallet and shouted, "Bar man! This time I am buying free drinks and food for everyone in this bar, except for that Jew man sitting in the corner over there!" So the bar man collected the money from the Arab man and began serving free food and drinks to everyone in the bar. When the bar man finished serving the food and drinks, once again, instead of becoming angry, the Jewish man simply smiled at the Arab man and shouted, "Thank you!" This made the Arab man furious. So he leaned over on the counter and said, "What is wrong with that Jew? I have bought food and drinks for everyone in this bar except for him, but instead of becoming angry, he just sits there and smiles at me and shouts, 'Thank you.' Is he mad?" The bar man smiled at the Arab man and said, "No, he is not mad. He is the owner of this bar."

I''l need you to answer the questions below... [1] Can one cry under water? [2] Do fish ever get thirsty? [3] Why don't birds fall off from trees when they are asleep? [4] Why is a house called building when it is already built? [5] When they say that dog food is new and improved, who tasted it? [6] If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches? [7] Why doesn't glue stick to it's bottle? [8] I love you is not a question, why does it require an answer?

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman moves to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to Akpos who was next to her in the bus, "the driver just insulted me." Akpos says "You go up there and give that stupid driver a big slap. Go on madam, I'll help you hold your monkey."