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A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?" "Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa. "And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest. "Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny.

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months." Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?" Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully, he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

One day while Johnny's dad was just getting out of the shower Johnny looked down and said, "Dad what's that hanging between your legs?" "Oh Johnny that's my nerve and your's will be this big one of these days", replies Johnny's dad. Anyway the next day while in school Johnny really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, "Miss I really need to go to the bathroom." "No, not yet there's someone gone", says his teacher. Not able to hold it in Johnny walks to the garbage can and starts to pee. Surprised to see her student peeing in a garbage can in front of the whole class the teacher says, "My Johnny you have some nerve!" Johnny says,"That's nothing you should see my fathers."

One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard. The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate. "Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked. "My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied. "That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor. "That's because he's inside your cat!"
Vote:

Little Johnny's father asked for report card. Johnny replied, "I don't have it." "Why not?" His father asked. "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." But this time the little girl just keeps on playing. "How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny. "My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."

Boss: *Shouting* "Little Johnny come to my office right now..." Little Johnny: "Yes sir"! Boss : "Little Johnny, I saw you arguing with the customer that just left. I have told you before that the customer is always right. Do you understand me?" Little Johnny: "Yes sir!, the customer is always right". Boss : "So what were you arguing about with that customer?" Little Johnny: "He said my boss is stupid and an idiot sir"! Boss: "That bustard. What did u say to him?" Little Johnny: "I told him he's right

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go Bleep yourself.

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it. This one is round and red." Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored. "It's a plum miss," said a girl. "no it's an apple, but i like your thinking. The next one is oval shaped and green." The teacher ignored Little Johnny again and a boy said, "It's a kiwi miss." No, it's a guana, but i like your thinking." Little Johnny said, " I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red nib." "Johny, thats disgusting!" shouted the teacher. " no it's a match, but i like your thinking." Said Little Johnny.

Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!" "Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women." Sure enough, the very next sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middleof the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, buthis dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized somethingand thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, andthe future is full of shit!"
Vote: Jo

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't Bleep with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Vote: Joke

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!"

jokes
One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shit”. He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him “coats and jackets”. Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word “fucking”, and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said “cooking”. Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words “bitches and hoes”. He went home and his father told him it meant “grandpa and grandma”. Later,on Thanksgiving night,his grandparents came over. Timmy answered the door with glee and says: “Hey bitches and hoes! I’ll take your shit to the closet cause dad’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

daslimiski:
Nice jokes. Keep them coming!

thanks jare...you are the first to comment

Teacher: How old is your father? Kid: He is 6 years. Teacher: What? How is this possible? Kid: He became father only when I was born. Logic!! . This kid is from IIN! ! Children Are Quick and Always Speak Their Minds _______________________________ TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria. _______________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using the tables. _______________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child) _______________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. _______________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! _______________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' MILLIE: I is... TEACHER: No, Millie...... always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet' _______________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...... _______________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No sir, It's the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!) ____________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher _______________________________ PASS BY SHARING IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH! LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!

She visited me in my lodge last night for the 1st time. We discussed and shared our past life experiences together. When it was time for her to leave, it started raining heavily till 10:30pm. As she couldn't go back cuz it was already night, she decided to sleep with me. We slept together and didn't touch each other. In the early morning, she woke up, took her bath, then dressed up and left. After an hour, i called her to know if she arrived safely and she said yes. Then, i asked her when next she would visit me. To my greatest surprise, she replied, "VISIT U AGAIN? THE ONE I VISITED, WHAT DID U DO?. After saying that, she hung up the call. Am kinda confused by that statement since morning.Please did i do any wrong by not touching her??

1. You will cheat on your partner, you will still cheat during exams.. Your be cheetah??
2. You fix eye lashes like toothbrush, tattoo your body like vitafoam design, wear earrings like alloyrims and you want a God fearing man.. Sorry, God won’t give his saint to Devil’s saint, it doesn’t work that way.
3. Some girls will be scratching their buttocks in public as if it’s recharge card…Haba!
4. Some girls handbag be looking like ballot boxes.. as if they wanna go rig election.
5. Guys don’t put banana inside their boxers to deceive you girls, why put foam bra and foam bum bum to deceive guyz. You case dey heaven.
6. Girls and love of money shaaa!.. How can you be asking me “where is my gift? “on mother’s day?.. Are you my mother?

Akpos enters a church n finds the priest.
Priest: How may I help you son?
Akpos: Im looking for my wife, she said she would be here but as I can see she’s not around. Now that am here, I would like to confess. Then go to the confession area
Akpos: forgive me father for I have sinned
Priest: What are your sins my son?
Akpos: The other day, I went looking for my wife at her home but she was not there. I found her sister alone, I slept with the sister.
Priest: Oh, that is sin, but at least you came to confess
Akpos: Then another day I went looking for her at her aunt’s place but she was not there, I found her cousin alone, I slept with the cousin
Priest: You know that is wrong my son
Akpos: Then the other day I went looking for her at her working place. She was not there, I found her colleague alone…
Priest interrupts: Let me guess, you slept with her colleague
Akpos: Yes father
Then there was total silence after that.
Akpos: Father?
Akpos: Fatherrr?
Still no reply
Akpos: Father are you dia??
Akpos peeps through and finds out that the priest is no longer there . He looks for him and finds him hiding.
Akpos: Why are you hiding father?
Priest (shaking with fear): I’ve just realised I’m the only one here and you came looking for your wife.

Akpos’ elder brother, Tommy, traveled to London months ago, leaving behind Akpos, their aged mom & their pet cat, Kelly. Last week Tommy called from London to know how they’re doing…
TOMMY: Hello brother how are you doing? how’s mom and how is Kelly?
AKPOS: Kelly is Dead!
TOMMY(after a pause): Akpos, bad news is not revealed in that manner. U should have started by saying something like, “Kelly fell
inside a well but neighbors are trying to rescue it”. Then when I call again U tell me, “Kelly broke it’s neck and is receiving treatment”. Then when I call again, U tell me they did their best but couldn’t save it. That’s how to break a bad news in a mature way. OK?
AKPOS: Ok bros, understood.
TOMMY: Ok, so how is Mom?
AKPOS: Bros, Mom fell inside a well, but neighbours are trying to rescue her.
(Phone cuts).Tommy has been admitted in a private hospital in London after going into coma.

Akpos and Ofego were having dinner when suddenly armed robber broke into their house. Akpos wanted to run away but he said to himself dat if he run away, he might be killed so he freezed himself & stood like an image. The armed robber ordered for money but they did not have money, so d armed robber looked at d image, then turned to Akpos’ friend Ofego and said:
Armed Robber: Take a look at such a beautiful image you have in ur house, but you don’t have any money. Infact i’m going to destroy dis image. sets his gun, points at the image(Akpos) and was about to shoot.*
Akpos: (screamed out!) Please dont shoot, I am d image of God.
Armed Robber: So here you are, I have been praying to you to give me job but you don’t want to answer my prayer. Today, since i have d opportunity of seeing you, i will not let u escape. When you get to hell, explain to them why u did not want to give me a job.
*about to shoot*
Akpos: (screamed out again!) Please, please, I am d image of Akpos. I don’t want to die!.

Did you know ? 1. MOSQUE has 6 letters so does CHURCH. 2. QURAN has 5 letters so does BIBLE. 3. LIFE has 4 letters so does DEAD.… 4. HATE has 4 letters, so does LOVE. 5. ENEMIES has 7 letters, so does FRIENDS. 6. LYING has 5 letters, so does TRUTH. 7. HURT has 4 letters, so does HEAL. 8. NEGATIVE has 8 letters, so does POSITIVE. 9. FAILURE has 7 letters, so does SUCCESS. 10. BELOW has 5 letters, but so does ABOVE. 11. CRY has 3 letters so does JOY. 12. ANGER has 5 letters, so does HAPPY. 13. RIGHT has 5 letters,so does WRONG. 14. RICH has 4 letters,so does POOR. 15. FAIL has 4 letters,so does PASS 16. KNOWLEDGE has 9 letters,so does IGNORANCE

WORDS FROM A FATHER TO A SON ABOUT MARRIAGE
1. My son, if you keep spending on a woman and she never asked you if you’re saving or investing, and she keeps enjoying the attention, don’t marry her.
2. My son, a woman could be a
good wife to you, some could be a good mother to your children but if you’ve found a woman like a mother to you, your children and your family, please don’t let her go.
3. My son, don’t confine the position of your wife to the kitchen, where did you get that from? Even in our days, we had farm-lands where they worked every morning . . . that was our office.
4. My son, if I tell you that you’re the head of the house, don’t look at your pocket; look if you will see a smile on your wife’s face.
5. My son, if you want to have a long life, let your wife be in- charge of your salary, it will be difficult for her to spend it when she’s aware of the home needs and bills to pay but if it’s in your care, she will keep you asking even when all has been spent.
6. My son, don’t ever beat your woman, the pain in her body is nothing to be compared to the wound on her heart and that means you may be in trouble living with a wounded woman.
7. My son, now that you’re married, if you live a bachelor kind of life with your wife, you will soon be single again.
8. My son, in our days, we had
many wives and many children because of our large farm- lands and many harvests, there are hardly any land for farming anymore, so embrace your woman closely.
9. My son, under the cocoa tree that I did meet your mother could be your eateries and restaurants of nowadays, but remember, the closet thing we did there was to embrace each other.
10. My son, don’t be carried away when you start making more money, instead of
spending on those tiny legs that never knew how hard you worked to get it, spend it on that woman that stood by you all along.
11. My son, when I threw little stones or whistled at the window of your mother
father’s house, to call her out, it was not for sex, it was because I missed her so much.
12. My son, remember, when you say your wife has changed, there could be something you’ve stopped doing too.
13. My son, your mother rode the bicycle with me before I bought that tortoise car
outside there, any woman that won’t endure with you in your little beginning should not enjoy your riches.
14. My son, don’t compare your wife to any woman, there are ways she’s enduring you too and has she ever compared you to any man?
15. My son, there is this thing you people call feminism, well, if a woman claim to have equal right with you in the house,
divide all the bills into two equal parts, take one part and ask her to start paying the other part.
16. My son, I met your mother a virgin and I took more yams to her father, if you don’t meet your wife a virgin, don’t blame
her, what I didn’t tell you is that our women had prestige.
17. My son, I didn’t send your sisters to school because I was foolish like many to think a female child won’t extend my
family name, please don’t make that mistake, the kind of female achievers I see nowadays has made the male-gender an ordinary tag.
18. My son, your mother have once locked up the cloth I was wearing and almost tore it because she was angry, I did not raise my hand to beat her because of a day like this, so that I can be proud to tell you that I never for once beat your mother.
19. My son, in our days, our women had more of natural beauty, though I wouldn’t lie to you, some had minor painting of their appellation mostly on their arms, the ones you people now call tattoo, but don’t forget that they didn’t expose any part of their body like your women of nowadays.
20. My son, your mother and I are not interested in what happens in your marriage, try to handle issues without always coming to us.
21. My son, remember I bought your mother’s first sewing machine for her, help your wife achieve her dreams just as you’re pursuing yours.
22. My son, don’t stop taking care of me and your mother, so that your children will take care of you too.
← Coincidence ?
Apoks th

America NO PASS Naija JOOR!!! Everything they get we get am too; They get Mohammed Alli, we get Bash Alli. They get T. pain, we get T.maya. They get T.I, we get M.I. They get 2-pac, we get 2- face. They get Beyonce, we get Tiwa savage. They get Lil wayne, We get Terry G. They get Timberland, We get DON JAZZY! They get wiz khalifa, we get wiz kid. They get Hollywood,we get nollywood They get Silicon valley, we get Computer village. They get Mac Donnalds, we get Mr. Biggs. They get Las Vegas, we get Lasgidi. They get Miami Beach, we get Lekki Beach. They get Al Paccino, we get Peter Edochie. They get Pirate of d Caribbean, we get Pirate of Aba. They get beauty and the beast we get Bianca and Ojukwu, They get Mr Bean, we get Mr Ibu, They get American Lotto, we get Baba Ijebu. They fear Al Qaeda, we fear Boko Haram abi na lieeeeee??