₦airaland Forum

Welcome, Guest: RegisterLoginWith GoogleTrendingRecentNew

Stats: 3,325,468 members, 8,422,238 topics. Date: Sunday, 07 June 2026 at 10:29 PM

Toggle theme

Garlicrey's Posts

Nairaland ForumGarlicrey's ProfileGarlicrey's Posts

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 (of 20 pages)

EducationLaspotech Post Utme 2015/2016 Is Out by garlicrey(op): 2:54pm On Jul 17, 2015
Eligible candidates are hereby invited for Lagos State Polytechnic (LASPOTECH) the 2015/2016 Post-UTME CBT Screening Exercise
(A) ELIGIBLE CANDIDATES
All candidates who chose Lagos State Polytechnic as their Institution of choice, and obtained the minimum cut-off mark/score of 150 in the 2015/2016 UTME and also have the required relevant credits as contained in the JAMB brochure.
(B) PROCEDURE FOR POST-UTME SCREENING EXERCISE
(1) Candidates are expected to make a payment of N2,000.00 (Two Thousand Naira only) .
(2) Candidates are advised to visit the Lagos State Polytechnic website i.e. http://www.mylaspotech.edu.ng and follow the steps below to make payment on-line, fill-in their details and print out the screening slip
i. Click on the "Admission" link on the navigation bar,
ii. Select a programme i.e. Post-UTME
iii. Click on "Continue" button
iv. Fill the profile form and choose a suitable username or use your UTME Reg. Number as your username and password of your choice (your password should contain alphabets, numbers and/or symbols) not less than 7 in characters, supply a working email and a valid GSM number
v. Then, Click on "Continue"
vi. Login with your username and password
vii. Click on Pay (you will make use of a web enabled ATM card for the payment)
viii. Complete the application form as appropriate.
(3) You will equally be required and prompted to upload a coloured passport photograph of NOT MORE THAN 22kb in size. '
(4) Read and accept the attestation, cross-check your entries on the application form, if okay Click "Submit" button.
(5) Print out your Application form. You will be required to present this at the screening venue and also at a later date, so keep it safe.
(6) Print out your POST-UTME Schedule; bring this along on the examination day.
(C) GENERAL INSTRUCTIONS
i. UTME Original Result Slip with your passport photograph on it must be presented at the screening centres. If you do not have this document, click here to get yours
ii. GSM, Calculators and other electronic devices are not allowed.
iii. Parents, Guardians and other unauthorised persons within and outside the Polytechnic will not be allowed at the screening centres during the Post-UTME Screening Exercise.
iv. Purchase and submission of form on-line will close by 11:59 pm on Sunday 23rd August, 2015.
SCHEDULE OF SCREENING VENUES, DATES AND PROGRAMMES
The Computer Based Test (CBT) Screening Exercise will commence from Monday 31st August 2015 on all the three (3) Campuses of the Polytechnic - Ikorodu, Surulere and Isolo Digital Parks.
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 12:07am On Jul 16, 2015
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 12:06am On Jul 16, 2015
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now." I LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 12:04am On Jul 16, 2015
This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, " Honey lets get stark naked and sit at the dinning table and eat our dinner!" As they sat at the dinning table the wife says, "Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!" The husband says, " That is because you have your tits in the soup!"
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 12:03am On Jul 16, 2015
Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," says his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 12:02am On Jul 16, 2015
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... Only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 12:00am On Jul 16, 2015
A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick. An ugly woman is passing and remarks "If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ..." He replies "If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!"
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 12:00am On Jul 16, 2015
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other. One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each. Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears in the world were female, leaving him the only male bear in the world. Mr. Rabbit revs the engine of his motorcycle and says, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rides off.
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 11:57pm On Jul 15, 2015
s
While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 11:56pm On Jul 15, 2015
Wikipedia: I know everything! Google: I have everything! Facebook: I know everybody! Internet: Without me you are nothing! Electricity: Keep talking bitches!
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 11:55pm On Jul 15, 2015
A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 11:54pm On Jul 15, 2015
A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, "How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!" and hangs up. Her husband rolls over and asks, "Sweetheart, who was that?" "I don't know,some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 11:52pm On Jul 15, 2015
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 11:52pm On Jul 15, 2015
Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body. Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asks, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes." "What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician. "Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 11:50pm On Jul 15, 2015
H - "Hello?" W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" H - "Yes." W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" H - "What's the price?" W - "Only $1,500.00." H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..." W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." H-"What price did he quote you?" W - "Only $60,000..." H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..." H - "What?" W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property." H - "How much are they asking?" W - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" H - "Bye...I love u too..." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 11:48pm On Jul 15, 2015
Guy: Wanna suck my dick? Girl: No. Guy: Probably for the best. I mean, it has a label-Warning! Choking Hazard! Girl: Isn't that the warning put on tiny objects?
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 11:47pm On Jul 15, 2015
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor askes her what had happened. She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone. "Well that explains one ear, but what about the other." "The bastard called again"
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 11:39pm On Jul 15, 2015
Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 11:36pm On Jul 15, 2015
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 11:31pm On Jul 15, 2015
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your Mother."
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 11:29pm On Jul 15, 2015
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 11:27pm On Jul 15, 2015
Dirty jokes
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE... She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 11:25pm On Jul 15, 2015
Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, "There is a easy way to get what you want." The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret." The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!" The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10." The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15." The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 11:24pm On Jul 15, 2015
Marriage jokes
Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone. "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!" Then he hung up and walked out of the room. In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter. Through teary eyes, she read: "I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread."
LiteratureRe: The Prince Of Darkness by garlicrey(op): 9:08pm On Jul 15, 2015
Chapter 2: Here Comes Goodbye
"Here Comes Goodbye"
Cold Spring's was a pretty small town, but with a ton of people. Our high school had about nine hundred kids. And about three hundred of them were in my sophomore class. So, our school had to be pretty big and so did the parking lot. Austin pulled into his usual spot. No matter how late we were nobody dared to steal that spot. Austin would throw a total tantrum if anyone did, he was pretty famous for those.
As we got out of the car everybody stared. We'd all been going to school together since first grade but nobody ever got tired of gawking at the Kardigan twins. As soon as Austin got out of the car he was swept up by his jockish friends and slutty cheerleading companions. My eyes zoned in on Julie Manderson.
She was attached to Austin's side immediately. She didn't wear a cheerleading uniform like the other Austin fans, though. She was 'too cool' to be a chearleader, which really just translated into 'too bitchy and stuck up.' Julie Manderson was everything you would expect somebody like Austin to want in a girlfriend. She had skin the color of mocha, devil red lips, billows of dark hair, a thin waist, and massive breasts.
I hated her for being so pretty (and slutty) and a part of me hated Austin for being so shallow. But it was a hatred that was too much work to maintain, and died quickly. Austin walked away, surrounded by his worshippers, with Julie clinging to his side. I rolled my eyes, and sighed.
Kate and I got out of the car and were engulfed by our friends. We talked and chatted and gossiped like always. Kate, and I were separated from our friends when we reached our homeroom Mr. Migory; the English teacher.
Kate and I gossiped in the back of the room as Mr. Migory did attendance. He rattled off names, seeming in a trance, and children lazily or shyly answered "here." Unless of course they were one of those show-offy kids who made a big thing out of it.
"Rebecca Callaway," he murmured.
"Here," I said lazily.
Sadly, that was me. Rebecca Callaway. Better known as 'that emo chick with the fine rack.' I also answered to 'the goth bitch with the killer legs' or 'Ken and Jake's little sister.' The first two were a combination compliment and insult, but the last one was just an insult. It bugged the living hell out of me; being known for my big shot older brothers who had more popularity then good sense.
"Kate Kardigan," he continued monotonously.
"Here," she said pleasantly, beaming a smile.
I always found it strange that Kate's full name was Kate. Not Kaitlyn, not Katherine. Just Kate. Strange, but you stopped dwelling on those things after a while.
English was a drag. Me, and Kate passed notes the entire time. Science was interesting. Tyler almost set the school on fire when he messed up some chemical formula. So that was pretty cool. History was, as always, the high point of my day because I sat next to Austin. Sure, I saw him all the time at his house. But I, unfortunatly, had a humongous crush on the guy so any extra time with him was much appreciated.
Our teacher had assigned us text book pages, everyone groaned. Except for me, of ourse, because that gave me more time to talk to Austin. As we worked we chattered.
"So Austin," I said casually, "How's Julie"
"Now do you mean in general or like in bed?" he asked, smirking.
"I meant in general," I specified.
"Oh, then fine I guess."
"Would your answer been different if I asked how she was in bed?" I wondered.
"Yes," he said, smirking devishly, "Yes it would."
"You're disgusting," I told him.
"Tell me something I don't know Callaway," he said easily, brushing his fair hair out of his face.
"There are 86,400 seconds in a day," I said.
"You see? I already knew that." Austin was a lot smarter then you'd expect him to be. He got straight A's across the board, despite never studying or doing homework. Still, sometimes it seemed like Austin was perfect. Good looking, star football player, smart. But then you throw in his awful temper, his tendency to get detention at least three times a week, and the fact that he's a man LovePeddler. Other then that though, he was a catch.
The rest of the day passed in total monotony. Spanish was dull because I don't have a clue what she's saying. Gym was repetitive. Lunch was pretty fun, but no different then normal. And Math was a riot because one of my good friends, Mandy, told our math teacher to 'Bleep off.' She got sent to the office, but it was still pretty funny, well for me at least.
At the end of the day Kate and I walked out to the Mercedes. Austin wasn't around.
"Oh great," I said, "Now we gotta wait for him"
"Or we could break a window" Kate suggested.
"Yea, but then he would kill you" I teased "And then where would be?"
She laughed "Good point"
Kate and I perched ourselves on the hood of the Mercedes to wait.
We talked, ignoring the guys panting over Kate off to the side.
Austin and his 'clique' approached us.
"Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah." Austin said, rushing over to us "You don't sit on my car. Your lucky I let you sit in it"
"God" Kate said, as we got off the car "Chill out, drama queen"
Austin rolled his eyes and unlocked the car.
Me, and Kate had already slid into the back seat before I noticed.
Sitting in the passenger seat was none other then Julie Manderson.
Usually, just being near her makes me wanna claw something but this was different.
Austin never brought his girlfriends home.
Ever.
Except when we was gonna dump them.
He always took them home to break the news.
Something an outsider would never notice.
So, Julie was clueless.
I felt a smug grin spreading across my lips.
At least, I won't have to deal with Julie anymore.
Austin drove out of the parking lot and was quickly speeding down out street.
Julie kept that air of bitchy betterness around her and it drove me nuts.
But it would be amusing to see the way her ego would deflate when Austin broke the news to her.
I always loved that part.
Once at the Kardigans me and Kate assituated ourselves in the living room to watch MTV.
Austin led Julie upstairs to his room.
In about 45 minutes she'd be coming down those stairs sobbing.
Just like all the others.
Sure enough, a little less then an hour had passed when Julie came running down the stairs.
Tears streaking her beautiful face.
She ran out the door.
Of course, being to stupid to realize she had no ride home.
Austin sauntered down the stairs a minute later.
Smiling contently.
"I see Julie got the boot" I said as he sat down on the couch next to us.
He shrugged "It just wasn't working out"
"You mean she reached the 1 month, 3 weeks, and 5 days mark?" Kate asked.
"Huh?" Austin asked.
"You dump all your girlfriends after dating them for exactly 1 month, 3 weeks and 5 days" Kate elaborated.
"Wow" I said "Is that like their expiration date or something?"
Austin rolled his eyes "It's just a coincidence"
"Pretty damn convenient" I muttered.
After eating Mrs. Kardigans delicious dinner of steak and potatoes Kate helped me with my homework.
Then, around 9, I headed back home.
Kate drove me in the crossover since it was pretty dark.
"See you later" she called as I stepped out.
"Bye" I said as she drove away.
As soon as I stepped through the door Ken and Jake where on my case.
I ignored them.
I went to my room and listed to my IPod till about 11.
Then fell asleep, feeling basically content.
Little did I know, that tomorrow everything I thought I knew would change.
LiteratureThe Prince Of Darkness by garlicrey(op): 9:06pm On Jul 15, 2015
"Don't Trust Me"
"Honey, time to wake up!"
I rolled over and covered my head with the pillow. I was too tired for school. I was too tired for anything. It was six o'clock in the morning for Christ's sake. How the hell was I expected to be fully functional when the sun was too lazy to even get up this early? It was insanity.
"Honey!" her voice came again. I groaned. 'Honey' didn't want to get up now. 'Honey' was too tired to go to school. 'Honey' would like to tell you to go to hell.
"Honey! Are you up?" came that voice again.
"Yeah!" I called. Go to hell you damn morning person.
Groggily, I rolled out of bed and fell onto the floor, tangled up in my sheets. I kicked my legs free and stumbled over to my closet. I grabbed a pair of ripped skinny jeans and a black Hollywood Undead t-shirt off their hangers. I got changed and went into my bathroom.
I brushed my teeth and splashed some cold water on my tan and exhausted looking face. I winced as I brutally pulled my brush through my dark curls. Once my hair was presentable I outlined my baby blues in dark eyeliner. After that I shuffled back into my room and shoved my feet into my converse and slung my bag over one shoulder. I glanced at my digital clock and realized I was running late.
I ran down the stairs, taking them two at a time.I skidded into the kitchen and, as expected, my mom, dad, and older brothers were in the kitchen. My mom was cleaning up the counter from making breakfast and my dad was flipping through the paper. Jake and Ken were scarfing down eggs at the table.
Boys, they eat so much. It was miracle my parents and I hadn't starved to death.
"Morning Becky," Jake said smugly. He knew I hated that nickname.
"Don't make me snap your neck," I threatened.
"You know for an emo you inflict more pain on others then yourself," Jake muttered.
"Jake," my mom rebuked.
I snickered; suck on that pretty boy.
"Honey, do you want any eggs?" my mom asked.
"No, I'm going to Kate's house . . . I'll eat there," I said.
"Alright," my mother said, "Will you being going to the Kardigan's after school too?"
"Assuming that today is like every other day, yes" I said. Seriously though; I went over Kate's house everyday, why would today be any different? Was the pope coming by for tea?
"Well make sure you and Kate actually get your homework done instead of goofing off all afternoon," my mom said.
"We will. You know Kate's like a genius," I reminded her.
"That's not all she is," Jake said, smirking as Ken snickered.
"Stay away from my freinds," I snapped.
"You know it's a mystery to me why the hottest girl in school is best friends with you," Jake said.
"You know what else is a mystery" I retorted, "How you can get dressed in the morning."
"Children, stop fighting. Now, Jake, leave your sister alone and eat your breakfast. You're gonna be late. And Becca, you get going. And tell Mrs. Kardigan I said hi," my mom told us.
"Okay" I said "Bye."
I walked out the front door and began the walk to the Kardigans house. It was a little cold out, but perfectly typical for October in New York. People waved to me as they passed me on the street and I waved back, sometimes. Some people didn't deserve a wave. It didn't take me long to reach the Kardigans humongous house. Seriously though, it was freakin' massive. The Kardigan's were mad rich, like legit. They're house looked like it came straight off one of those home decorator magazines, what with it's greek columns and white stone it looked like it belonged next door to the Parthenon.
I just walked right in; I didn't knock or anything. I had been here every day since I was six. The Kardigans considered me a second daughter. I was practically family and family didn't knock to enter their own house. I knew immediately that Kate was in the kitchen, I could smell the blueberry pancakes the second I entered the house. I waltzed into the stainless steel, very fancy, kitchen to find Kate sitting at the table with a plate of untouched pancakes in front of her.
Kate was beautiful. I wasn't a lesbo or anything but it was impossible not to notice how stunning she was. She was dainty and small; one of those petite little girls that guys always went crazy for. She had long blonde hair that reached down to her tiny waist. Her bone pale skin was flawless and looked like porclain. She had plump pink lips, a perfect nose, and big eyes that were the strangest color of silver and darkly lashed. She wore skinny jeans and a grey zip-up Hollister
sweatshirt.
At first sight we didn't look like we should be friends because I mean, c'mon, she looks like a total prep. But in this case, appearances were actually wrong. Kate and I practically shared a brain and we'd been best friends since we met in first grade. Her mom, Mrs. Kardigan, was cooking. She looked like she was in her mid thirties with long blonde hair and was thinner then any mom should be.
"Hi, Becca," she greeted me.
"Hi, Mrs. Kardigan," I answered, "Whats for breakfast today?"
"Blueberry pancakes, your favorite," she grinned. Blueberry pancakes were my pot. Actually, pot was my pot. Blueberry pancakes were my crack.
"Excellent," I purred as I sat down across from Kate. Mrs. Kardigan brought me a syrupy plate of pancakes and I dug in. Kate didn't touch hers but it didn't surprise me. The girl was so damn skinny it didn't surprise me that she hardly ever ate anything.
I was just about done, and I was gonna tell Kate we should go when Austin walked in; Kate's gorgeous twin brother. He was much taller then Kate but you could tell they were related. He had the same golden hair, pale skin, and silver eyes as his twin. On top of those already nice features, he had an amazing body and a gorgeous face. Not to mention an amazing personality, just as sarcastic and dismissive as me. What more could a girl ask for?
"Morning mom," he said in a voice like honey, as he went over to the fridge and dug around in it.
"I see somebody finally decided to wake up," Kate said sarcastically.
"I didn't decide to wake up. Someone just happened to throw a clock radio at my head about ten minutes ago," Austin retorted sarcastically.
"I know you don't think it was me, brother dearest," Kate said with mock innocent.
Austin closed the fridge, and turned to face us with his perfect lips in the shape of a smirk. He had two blue sports bottles in his hands and threw one to Kate as he rolled his eyes. She caught it effortlessly and opened it to guzzle some down. Austin did the same.
"Well, I had to wake you up somehow. 'Cause if you didn't come I would have to drvie us. . . " Kate trailed off mischeviously.
"Hey," Austin said, "Don't touch my Mercedes"
"I'm not gonna touch your beloved car but if you continue sleeping in, one day I might have to. If I can't wake you up that is. You do sleep like the dead," Kate said smirking.
Something about it made me feel like I was missing some kind of inside joke. I hated that feeling.
Austin smirked, "Be that as it may, don't touch my car"
"Okay, okay," Kate said, "Chill out. I was just teasing you"
Austin sat down next to me at the table. Not eating, just drinking and talking.
"So Becca," he said, "Why does it feel like you spend more time in my house then I do?"
"Ugh, maybe cause you're never home?" Kate suggested sarcastically.
"I have a very active social life. Is that a crime?" Austin asked rhetorically.
"And by 'active social life' you mean entertaining your many lovers?" I asked.
He smiled, revealing all of his ultra-white teeth, "Exactly"
Kate rolled her eyes and took another swigg from her water bottle.
"We gotta get going," Austin said, glancing at the clock on the oven, "Or we're gonna be late again. I wouldn't care usually, but I'm tired of Mrs. What's-Her-Name chewing me out every day." He hadn't even attempted to have any breakfast. Austin ate a surprisingly small amount of food for a teenage boy (a quarterback nonetheless!) but I was used to it.
"Okay, Okay. God, can we eat?" Kate asked, even though she hadn't even touched her food.
"You can," Austin said, "But somehow I doubt you will."
She rolled her eyes as she gathered up her books. I picked up my bookbag too, and headed for the door.
"Bye Mrs. Kardigan!" I called at the same time that Kate called, "Bye Mom!"
"Bye girls," she called back, "Have a nice day." We paused at the door, waiting for Austin. He grabbed his keys off the table and slung his bag over his shoulder.
"Bye Mom," he said as he passed her.
"Wait," she said, pulling him into a hug. Even though he was facing away from me, I knew for a fact that he was rolling his eyes.
"Bye baby," she said, releasing him.
"Bye Mom," he said again, in a voice that suggested that she should really stop talking.
She simply smiled and disappeared into the Kardigan's living room. Kate and I continued to wait by the door while Austin put his favorite grey "Cold Spring Hawks" sweatshirt on over his "Three Days Grace" t-shirt.
"C'mon baby, we don't have all day," I said mockingly. Mrs. Kardigan always seemed to baby Austin, even though he was only the baby of the family by like a minute. Kate was a minute older and there older brother, Alex, was like five years older and in college. Still, Austin was usually regarded as Mrs. Kardigan's favorite, it seemed like.
"Get bent Callaway," he told me.
"Right back at 'cha Kardigan," I said as we all headed out the door and into the Kardigan's driveway. Three cars were settled there; a black mercedes, a silver crossover, and a 50's mustang in mint condition.
Austin slid into the front seat of his Mercedes, and me and Kate climbed in back. We preferred to sit together so we could talk, or more precilesly gossip. And when we were done gossiping, we were saying stupid things and making references to Spongebob. Austin shot us indulgent smiles with the mirror every tme we said something really out there. He'd been giving us that smile since the first time I came over the Kardigan's in first grade.
It was a smile that said "You guys are crazy but I love you two, anyway" That smile always floored me. Austin's general presence always floored me actually.
His looks, his voice, his sense of humor, his attitude. Everything about him screamed
"Notice me!" ""Love me" "Don't trust me!" "Have sex with me!"
I definitely noticed him, and sometimes I thought that maybe, just maybe, I loved him. And sometimes I felt like I really didn't trust him either. He was my good friend, but he had that whole bad boy thing going for him. But I definitely wasn't having sex with him. I'd leave that last part to the cheerleading squad and all the other girls Austin screwed with. Currently, he was screwing Julie Manderson, his latest girlfriend. I didn't like her, because she was just a total conceded bitch. It also could have something to do with the fact that she's getting laid with the guy I'm possibly in love with. It didn't matter though, Austin got a new girlfriend like every two months. It seemed like he got bored easily.
Kate was exactly the same way. She always had a boyfriend, except she keeps hers around longer then Austin. They tended to stick around for a good eight months before she dumped them. Her current boyfriend was Ryan, a very cute but not too interesting soccer player. He'd been dating for Kate for the last six months or so. So, I wouldn't have to deal with Ryan much longer. And Julie would be getting the boot in a week or two.
It didn't surprise me that they had so many girlfriends/boyfriends. After all, they were both amazingly good looking. But that wasn't the only thing, they also just seemed to have this pull that made you want to be with them. Or maybe it was just me. It was the strangest thing. Then again the Kardigans aren't exactly normal. I could never place my finger on it, but they were different. Exotic.
Everything about them screamed "Exotic"
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 10:08am On Jul 15, 2015
In an examination, Akpors was asked to complete the following sentences:
1) WAEC : He who fights and run away?
AKPORS : E don surrender be dat, na fear catch am.
2) WAEC : A rolling stone?
AKPORS: No fit just dey roll, na person push am.
3) WAEC : He who lives in a glass house?
AKPORS : Na rich politician e go be.
4) WAEC : A stitch in time?
AKPORS : Dey prevent further tear tear.
5) WAEC : Birds of the same feathers
AKPORS : Na de same mama born dem.
6) WAEC : One gud turn?
AKPORS : Na correct power steering fit do am.
7) WAEC : A bird in hand?
AKPORS : Wetin e wan be again if no be barbeque? Dem plenty for chicken republic
cool WAEC : Half a loaf is better than?
AKPORS : Garri soaking without sugar.
9) WAEC : A journey of a thousand miles?
AKPORS : Na de person wahala be dat na, why e no enter car or aeroplane jeje?
10) WAEC : He who laugh last?
AKPORS: Get brain problem, make dem examine am because na beginning of madness.
11) WAEC : A patient dog?
AKPORS : Na hunger go kill am.
12) WAEC : All work and no play?
AKPORS : Na bank job be dat bros.
13) WAEC : Once beaten?
AKPORS : Na revenge go follow be dat.
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 10:07am On Jul 15, 2015
MY SEX ADVENTURE

Episode 5

KELVIN: Emgrin, I will advice you to carry the”Ayegbami sacrifices”
Me: Bro I have math on Friday
KELVIN: you can bribe the school invigilators to write it for you
Me: ok send me the sacrifices items via text
KELVIN: ok…. He cut the call. After 20min this what he texted me …. Black pot, 6 snake heads, Bitter leaf, dead chameleon, dead scorpion, Akara, 12 bat head. After reading this I was a little relief. the next morning on Thursday, I went to my exam Centre to write agric. I did not concentrate, my mind was on my living dead Dick. After the paper, I saw Bose with some of her stupid friends looking at me and laughing. I guessed she told them about my living dead dick. I went to see a school invigilator. I told him that I got an urgent call from home and that he should help me write my math paper. We agreed and I removed ghc350 out of ghc700.0 I brought and paid. My cash remain ghc250 because had spent ghc100 earlier. On my way home I saw Bose and her friends coming so I quickly followed another rout to avoid any embarrassments. I got home, went out to buy a mineral and buns but I could not eat it. I was so worried. I asked a guy where their market was. He said I should stop okada and ask him to take me to “oja Alabgboja”. I went there and asked a woman all the sacrificial items. She packed them for me inside a Leather and said my bill was ghc 250. Hmmm I became very angry. I told her just this small items ghc250 and she asked me if I could go to the forest and kill 6 snakes. If I don’t want to buy, I should get out. Menh my eye turned red. I begged her and she agreed to collect ghc230. The remaining change with me was just ghc20. I trekked home angry and sad. I called my dad and told him they robbed me and am very broke. He said I should borrow money and come home on Sunday to collect some money. I reached my room, entered and locked the door. Sarah came knocking and knocked. I did not answer because I was dickless… It was Friday morning. I called KELVIN
Me: bro how far morning
KELVIN: Emgrin okobo good morning
Me: how am I going to fix the sacrifice?
He explained. I fixed it, then I took it to the market around 9am. I went round the market times without number. This is an experience I will never forget in my life. It was 12pm. I broke the pot and something I didn’t understand went out of my body. I went home tired. I called KELVIN. He said I was freed. Menh I was so happy. I quickly called Sarah and said I would love to see her. She came. I kiss her, smooch her boobs. I unleashed her cloth then sucked her boobs. My dick grew hard. I removed her panties. Menh I faithfully inserted my hard penis in Sarah’s vagina. It entered smoothly. She screamed. I was so happy my tool was back. I banged her and she screamed like a baby and like a virgin. I am sure am the second to sex her. She cried but I refused to hear. I did not even care. I bleeped Sarah 8 rounds to be sure my dick is back. She begged me to stop and that she couldn’t breathe anymore. I did not listen. After ejaculating on the 8th round. I inserted my dick in her vagina and it was so hot. I pitied her and stopped. She slept off then woke up around 8pm and ran home. I was happy that am now a Man. my penis was back. Then I remembered I had not eaten since morning. I went out with my last card ghc20. Bought ice kenkey ghc2, bread ghc1, Lacasera ghc1. I did not even care it was my last card, my dick is back that what matter most.… I went to my room then I started biting into my bread and sucking my kenkey. I was about to take the second bite then someone knocked at my door around 11pm.. Who is that? I said. I heard olaogun sad voice “it’s me”… “In my mind what is this witch looking for. You want come seize my dick again?” When I opened the door, I was shocked I saw olaogun with an elderly man tying white wrapper which am sure it as her dad and he asked, OLAOGUN NA THE BOY BE THIS? Chai end of beginning of problems –
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 10:06am On Jul 15, 2015
MY SEX ADVENTURE

Episode 4

I shouted chai i don die. she left me and said she would me back d next day. I cried for hours thinking about how arrogance have killed me. Later, I remembered my friend Kelvin. His family are related to all this babalawo stuffs. I called him
Me: bro how far. I dey hot soup ooo
Kelvin: *laughs* egusi or okro soup?
Me: menh this is not time for joke. I slept with a girl here and she told me any man who sleeps with her, his dick won’t work on any lady.
Kelvin: Okokan?
Me: yes that’s what she called it.
Kelvin: laughs *okobo* (okobo means your dick cannot perform
Me: pls help me Na
Kelvin: have you tested it on another lady?
Me: nope, not yet
Kelvin: ok try it and give me a call
*laufssss*
…….. I cut the call, frustrated, thinking who I will test my penis on. Then I picked my phone and
checked the Time. It was 5pm. then I surfed the net to download blue film to see whether my dick will
raise, I remembered Bose. I sharply quitted opera and called Bose.
Bose: hi how are u dear?
Me: *fake my voice* am fine ooo
Bose: so when will I cum to greet you
Me: can you come and spend a night with me now
Bose: ok no problem explain the place for me. I will come by 9pm
Me: I explained to her, then she promised to come. I stayed staring on the ceiling for about 2hours. Then somebody knocked.
It was Sarah. She brought food. We ate, then she asked…
Sarah: what’s wrong with you?
Me: I lied and said nothing. I just have headache
Sarah: sorry let me allow you to rest. I will come tomorrow
Me: ok dear… She packed the plates we used in eating, planted a kiss on me and left…. Around 9:15pm Bose called me and said I should come and pick her outside my compound. I came out, she brought two ideal milks out her bag and we drunk. I touched her on the laps, kissed her. Then climbed on her my dick raised a little, I was so happy. She sucked my dick. I ejaculated in her mouth. I removed her cloth, smooch her boobs, sucked it. I removed her red j-string and was about inserting my dick into her. Then something funny happened. I can never forget in my life. My hardened dick fell.
chai, I don die. I said for my mind. I kissed her again. The dick raised. Then when I was about inserting, it fell again. Then she notice and carried my hard dick tried putting it in her vagina. Then it fell. She shouted Jesus!!!!! Okobo. She pushed me, wore her clothes and ran home. I cried and called Kelvin…
Me: bro my dick raised when am romancing but wen I wan bang e go just off “crying”
Kelvin: laughs. The girl you contracted it from, her source of the “okokan charm” is strong
Me: what will I do now
Kelvin: you have only 3 options
Me: which is?
Kelvin: 1st= you will sleep with a mad woman before three days
2nd= you will carry “Ayegbami sacrifices” on Friday morning 9am. you will put the sacrifices object which will cost ghc500 inside black pot then wrap it inside black leather for people not to see it and round market with it from 9am-12am (Ayegbami means evil spirit help me)
3rd= you will marry the girl you contracted it from … I will advise you to go for 2
Me: chia I have math on Friday, I love pussy but can’t sex a mad woman and can’t marry that babalawo pickin either.
Kelvin: you have to choose 1 before Friday which one are you choosing?

Episode 5 may follow shortly
Jokes EtcRe: See Gobe by garlicrey(op): 10:02am On Jul 15, 2015
MY SEX ADVENTURE

Episode 2

I tried to control my erected dick but it was not answering me. Bose just keep laughing. I was so disappointed in myself. We reached her house and she told the okadaman to stop. I wanted to pay but she insisted and paid. We went into her room and I dropped my bag. She cooked indomie and we ate together. No doubt, Bose is a Good Cook. She went out and fetched two buckets of water. She removed the purple top she was wearing, on facing me and gently removed her short skirt remaining only pant and bra. Charlie!! See shape menh. My dick nearly removed from its socket but I sat on the bed and used my two legs to cover it. My dick was nearly raising my leg up, she tied on her rapper.

Bose: hope you did not see anything

Me: No maa “in my mind” do I look like a blind man to you, b4 I leave this house, I must bang this girl *for my mind ooo*

Bose: Better *laughs* let me go and bath

Me: ok, some minutes later Sarah called and said is this Emgrin, how am doing we talked and she said we should chat on WhatsApp. Then she cut the call. Bose entered.

Bose: your water is ready anytime you want to bath

Me: thanks I will bath now. You are very kind. Then I opened my bag, brought out my towel. I removed my shirt and trouser

Bose: Menh see 6pac and big tool. Guys like you can Banged a lady to death

Me: lol Ladies like you can make Guys Erect till Death

Bose: that why u want to tire your trouser when we are on Okada

Me: it’s your fault na.

Bose: just go and bath ashawo guy.

Me: ok maa.

I went into their small bathroom thinking on how I will bang Bose. I finished bathing, went into the room. I saw Bose sitting on the bed tying only towel around. I rubbed my cream and am about wearing my cloth when she said.

Bose: Pls can you help me rub cream on my back

Me: no p “for my mind” the hour has come. Lol for my mind ooo.

She brought out Caro white cream. She laid on the bed and handed the cream over to me. I rubbed it gently on her back thinking of how to activate her mood to bang her. In fact my mind was full of filth. I rubbed the cream gently. Then I summoned courage then brought my finger down to her ass. She keep quiet and pretended as if she did not notice. Then I moved my hands to her big boobs and she did not talk. Wow the don set b dat ooo. I said in my mind. I turned her, kissed her lips, put my tongue on her boobs. She moaned. I sucked it for like 8 minutes. My dick had raised to a horizontal level, almost at 90degrees to my body- like they add yeast to unbaked bread almost tearing my boxer. I turned her pussy, sucked it. She screamed and moaned like a baby. I played with her pussy for 10mins. Her clitoris was hardened and became dark as I fondled it. Then she poured her juice on my face. I fact she squirted on my face. I brought out my hardened dick to bang her. She said stop! Stop!! Stop!! I was like; are you crazy? In my mind. I begged her that she should allow me to do it, even one round. She said no. I wanted to force her then I remembered she was a Kumasi girl. they can be crazy at times. Bose stood up, wore her cloth. I looked her with a sad face like person who had lost. She didn’t even care and went out. My dick was up and erected for like 3hours. I pitied myself almost crying. I just sat down and nursed my erected dick –

EPISODE 3 COME SHORTLY

WATCHOUT

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 (of 20 pages)