Thanks for the mature and eye-opening responses. Both contributions - for and against- are all rational and thoughtful! Now I even find it more difficult to decide. Time heals.. Ultimately!

ajadudu: You can't keep her child away from your family. If you think you really love her you need to be able to accept everything that comes with her, including her son. He cannot be kept away as a secret. If you think you can't bring up her son as your own child, don't get married to her. The child cannot be wished away, maybe for a short period but the issue will always rear it's head in the future and things will get ugly.

9lifes: I don't think you are ready for this kind of pressure.While family acceptance is important,your parents should have limited influence in your life.It's a difficult journey,and you rushing it,you don't even sound like someone that is equal to such task.

My advice:Wait until is divorced,take it slow,keep marriage out of the picture,wait until she heals..cos a wounded woman can be a great burden even for the matured ones.Don't get too excited,man focus.

You are already scaring her!

ajadudu: You can't keep her child away from your family. If you think you really love her you need to be able to accept everything that comes with her, including her son. He cannot be kept away as a secret. If you think you can't bring up her son as your own child, don't get married to her. The child cannot be wished away, maybe for a short period but the issue will always rear it's head in the future and things will get ugly.

Thanks man. I think for once, even if anything, I just have to let 'em know. They sure won't find it funny.

emiye: Hey ! Op
I doubt you intend to make a right decision.

The worst thinking process i suspect you have is you are viewing her with the lens of your primary school days, a lot of water must have passed the bridge.

I also feel strongly your friend can still get back to good terms with her estranged husband, if the reason for there problem is "mis-understanding" and mummy;s boy. A part of her heart still wants the come back to her husband, that she might find difficult to admit to you.

A broken marriage of 2 years needs to be deeply probed, especially when domestic abuse or wife battering is not involved.

You are not in love with her, you are only in love with the childhood memories of the two of you together.

If she honors your invitations from ib to lag, please stay off any amorous jiving with her(pent up emotions is no respecter of person)

What you should be doing is to help her see possibilities in reconnecting with her estranged husband, unfortunately that you are no longer qualified to do.

If you go ahead and confuse her to having a relationship with you, the chances that you will regret your actions is 90%. Please stay off.

Her asking you to make her plan B, is most likely she wants to make re-union with her husband Plan A, and you plan B.

Thanks man. I'll ponder on this. However she had honored my invitation. She was here during the Easter. Once again thanks.

mamaafrik: ,u knw naturally she'l doubt ur ability to handle situations mayb 4rm her past xperience,u nid to work on ur maturity to convince her of being d man,d way i luk @ it she dnt want to get usedup again so u hv to b patient to convince her but she's a lady & dnt mind dose shakara,she also want a replacement,but ask urself r u a good replacement?.

The question isn't whether she'll agree or not BUT the perception from FAF

newcreatio: dude...i think you gotta be careful mehn...what city is this gurl from and what city does she live in now and what city are you from and what city do you live now.
My take, people aren't just divorced, did you hear da full story? perhaps the other dude's side? was cheating involved? how about her family? Did they support da divorce, if all this shit ain't properly investigated, you might be the victim of her 2nd chance...

so...watch it bro

We are from thesame state, even thesame local govt but she stays and works in Ibadan while I stay in Lagos. I understand your points bro. I'll wait and make some findings before my final conclusion. She can actually be hiding some things. It's pathetic, yet unfortunate.

Bomvastin: My dear friend pls dont make the same mistake i did. My life is a living hell, i thought i was doing the right thing, we started well in the first 2yrs of relationship, i made sure her daughter was kept secret frm my parents until we got married 3yrs ago. Immediately we got married she began showing her true colours. Pls dont rush into marrying her, try to know what went wrong in her previous marriage with that u may make headway cos in my case the problem of her previous marriage is what i'm facing now. Pls look very well b/4 u leap

I feel your pain bro. Thanks for sharing similar experience on same. I'll sure do as advised. Life is a teacher.

luvkia: Either for or against, these are some of the best and mature response on a trend on this forum.

You are definitely right. The responses here are priceless, mature and second to none on this forum. I appreciate y'all. Happy Easter (to d xtian brethren)

~Bluetooth:


Have you really bothered to ask her why she divorced after 2 years of marriage ? Dont forget that relationship based on extreme circumstances dont always last and dont love people out of pity !

I think she felt she was too young to be caged lest they (her mum inlaw) limit her progression. She's very ambitious!

InHim4Him: Many have given you good counsel: wait, think, follow your heart, etc. But how come you just woke up to marriage desires at your age? You mean you never admired any other before you reconnected? What has happened to those others? Between primary school and now so much has changed about you and her. You think she needs freedom and you can give that? Your family trusts you! That's a reason why you must not betray that trust. SLOW DOWN! There are questions you are yet to ask yourself. Marriage is not a private quiet affair eventually - you have neighbors, friends, colleagues who are not living on NL. How does your marriage affect you, her and those relationships?

I was never ready for a serious relationship until late last year when I met a girl, tried my best for her until she fell for her ex's persuasion. I was just ripe for a serious relationship IMO.

exng: op...tread carefully...its ok to go for a single mother...not a worry...but do yourself a favour..find out if her xter is in question...let me tel you like someone rightly said...a nigerian girl is ripe for marriage at age 29 and above and not below..this is the maths. at the younger age. they live for what they see on TV...kardarshian etc..they want such life..they want an already made husband.one that will pamper them..etc...dont get me wrong there is n wrong at all in doing that for your wifey..But in my own understandign she needs to bring something into the house. not financial things..there are oads of stuff a woman can bring in..apart from money..i dont need to list them out...maybe the previous husband is my type...so guy..find out her xter..understand what led to the divorce..there are two sides to every story..however...i wish you all the best...but dont rush things bro!!

I concur bro!

ivili: i just want to tell you that you should be careful of the advice that people might bring on this forum,it seems you are taking the ones you like rather than thinking seriously about the decision you are about to make.from what i read,the girl is just 25 years old and you never thought for a minute that a 25 years old divorcee was strange.when did she get married?if she could be divorced by 25,i am sure the marriage is not up to 6 or 7 years,which means she is not a very patient woman.the same way she is not patient with the first husband is the same way she will not be patient with you.

Thanks man. She got married just after her leaving the university at 23yrs. She's also doing everything possible to put everything behind her by always getting occupied with job and further academics.

marvel10: Let's leave family, marriage and divorce for a minute. You have painted this lady to be intelligent and go getting but I am confused as to why a first time mother would leave her child with her mother in law whilst chasing a divorce from her son. That's the bit I don't understand. I am not involved so I read her as an opportunist. I truly would like this to have a fairy tale ending but.....
I admire your courage and what reads as pure love or infatuation but all this child in the middle and emotional baggage is not as easy as it seems o. My best friend's son is the nicest child you have ever met but was evil at best to her now husband when they met. Whilst he wanted his mum to get married, the reality of another male making a number of decisions irritated him a lot. Even I had to suggest boarding school to allow them some peace. He was terribly jealous of his step father. This wouldn't be your portion but it seems one sided now o.

You seem to get the whole picture just right. It was not what she'd planned. They also had to compel her to Leave her child. She was helpless as a result but now making frantic efforts towards collecting her child back, even legally. She sure has learnt some invaluable lessons. Thanks for your view and judgement.

You really talk like an expert. Thanks for the spiritual introduction.

Willzkid: Broda, I believe you are christian
If you are, sorry to burst you bubble, I think you should hear what the MASTER has to say about your condition:
Matt 5:31,32; Matt 19:7; Mark 10:4...
Let me say in advance that my submissions might be wrong, but any christian here with contrary opinion is welcome to expound it here
I know its very hard to let go at this stage but I'll advise you seek good (christian)counsel before you set out, and obviously you won't get it on NL.
If there is something I always pray for in a woman, it's that she respects the integrity and sanctity of the marriage institution..Marriage to me is a lifelasting covenant, not one to jump in and out of...it's not a perfect relationship even though it's meant to be life-long.Hence couples should always endeavour to sheathe their ego-swords in dealing with each other, there should be forbearance, full disclosure and regular communication.. Try to know the reason for this divorce in the first place, and if it's just a matter of ego-contests as is rife in most contemporary marriages, you might just be the one God will use to bring the divorcing couple back together.
PS: seeing I am not a relationship expert myself, I will still insist you seek good christian counsel, and talk to God about it

shileowo: thread slowly, listen to her advice.Someone you've not seen for 2 decades.Ask questions,what happened to the first marriage? where is the ex husband,know her fiends . she probably don't trust you. She might be the best for you, but good things don't come easy.everything happen for a reason.Enjoy yourselves while it last

The first marriage went sour due to misunderstandings and 'my mother says...' factor. Her husband works at LNG in PH while she stayed with the mother-inlaw prior to her getting this present job. Thanks for the queries.

Willzkid: Broda, I believe you are christian
If you are, sorry to burst you bubble, I think you should hear what the MASTER has to say about your condition:
Matt 5:31,32; Matt 19:7; Mark 10:4...
Let me say in advance that my submissions might be wrong, but any christian here with contrary opinion is welcome to expound it here
I know its very hard to let go at this stage but I'll advise you seek good (christian)counsel before you set out, and obviously you won't get it on NL.
If there is something I always pray for in a woman, it's that she respects the integrity and sanctity of the marriage institution..Marriage to me is a lifelasting covenant, not one to jump in and out of...it's not a perfect relationship even though it's meant to be life-long.Hence couples should always endeavour to sheathe their ego-swords in dealing with each other, there should be forbearance, full disclosure and regular communication.. Try to know the reason for this divorce in the first place, and if it's just a matter of ego-contests as is rife in most contemporary marriages, you might just be the one God will use to bring the divorcing couple back together.
PS: seeing I am not a relationship expert myself, I will still insist you seek good christian counsel, and talk to God about it

God can perhaps use me for her. Either way, I will stand by her unless she makes a u-turn.

Lol. Adelebo nigba miran le daa ju wundia lo self. Everything depends on luck

~Bluetooth:


Nitori olohun,kini omode arae fe fi ADELEBO se, Se sisi ti tan ni igboro ni?

ayo jango: @ poster great matured talk,if u really love her go for it,even married couples that have all life's trappimgs aint happy
From all u said u r ready to forget d past,who knws she migHt b d key to ur eldorado.Great guy u R.

You're right bro. Thanks

claremont: Wait for her to go through all the divorce formalities first, before you proceed with your intentions. I don't see anything wrong with marrying a divorcee with a child, it's only Africa that we consider these things to be important. If the both of you are mutually compatible, then go for it!

Thanks a million. It's just what I'm waiting for. After the legal divorce, we can now plan better.

bodejohn: @OP,
Good advise you have been given, I never even thought there could be some set of advise like the ones up there on NL. And thank God all those who will ask you to only pray about it are already in church by now. While I am not saying you shouldn't go spiritual about, I think it is more of how you want your life and marriage to be. I also do not have anything about single mothers, but I like to point two things out to you.
1. You should be somewhat happy that she opened up to you about her status, I mean the boy. Most single mothers will hide that baby from you. So I am tempted to say she is honest. But you really have to investigate the circumstances that lead to her first break up, not because you do not trust her but a stitch in time saves nine.
2. The one I will never want you to down play is the family factor. Your family can make your life and marriage miserable if you go against their wish especially when they are united against your choice of partner. You will only get to know the influence of your family over you when you drag these type of things with them.
God help you.

Yeah, Nairaland is like that - all encompassing. I think the tone of the message dictates the answers.
Thanks for the contribution bro. I'll try and find out in no distant time.
2. My immediate family has always believed in me, plus trust my instincts. I'm not perfect though! As for the extended family, they MUST be in the dark. I detest them

born2fuck: Go for it bro-if it work then good but if it end up breaking then you add more lessson to your life experience profile, but as you are moving closer marriage institution always prepare for the worst because dating a lady for 10 yrs before marriage will not reveal her real behaviour until after settling down with her

Wise words from the real born2fcku. Women are just like that, very complex. God help us!

Theben: This issue ain't what should be taken lightly. Op you need to really try and find out the reason why she got divorced in the first place. I presume you've already accepted whatever she must have told you is the cause of her breakup with her ex-husband. Please try and research the cause yourself. Who knows, her character might be the reason. I don't have anything against marrying a divorcee or a single mother but you need to take your time, study her.
As for your parents, i don't think they'll be much of a problem. Once they know that she won't be a problem to you, trust me, they would give you their blessings.
So poster, the problem here is not her being a divorcee, the real wahala is when she's not whom you think she is.
Thanks

Lagusta:

yeah, i think d same way too, try nd ask what led to the divorce, it cld be d lady's fault.
Also, will ur family accept an "after 1" for a wife?
Alot of things u got 2 consider, but if ur mind, body, spirit, nd most especially, ur HEART... Tell u to go for it, then why wait? But bros, think twice

I think i understand her, she wants freedom, wants expression and wants to be heard too sometimes. The marriage things may be too hasty. But I still think she's had some experiences now and would be more cautious as any further breakup could paint her as the bad girl. She is aware of her reputation!
They MAY not accept 'after one' but I think i can handle that.

MarcAnthon: Everyone seems to be telling the OP what he wants to hear, but I can't quite nudge off the feeling that he might hurt this lady eventually even if unintentionally.
Op take it easy, slow down, and ask yourself a few pertinent questions. You think you like her and you want to marry her. That's very good and noble. But you also think your family will not be in support, and that is where the problem may arise. So you hide it from them and go unheeded into this relationship and get her to love you and expect marriage, and then what next?
Have you asked yourself what you will do if you tell your family later before the wedding that this girl is a divorcee and has a child and they refuse to accept that and refuse to give the marriage their blessing? What if you don't tell them at all and they still find out somehow and kick against your marrying her. WHAT WILL YOU DO?
Will you go on against your family's wish or will you chicken out and make this girl hurt again?
Note that I'm not saying it's one way or the other. I have nothing against a divorcee or a lady with a kid. I also don't think families should have any influence over who their kids end up marrying. In fact my own family is not even permitted to make suggestions for me. But families are different and you seem to have suggested your own family won't accept her. So just think it through and ask yourself what you will do IF the worst happens. Then if you are sure you won't hurt her, go ahead. If not, you may as well let her be. She may completely loose all sense of worth if she gets hurt again.

My family knew her back then in our primary school days. We go for Maths competition and quiz every time together. I think she had mistaken the ex's appearance for reality.'He has no dad but mum..follows the mum's dictates' as mummy's boy. The lady in question too can't seem to bear living this kinda life as a young and perhaps AMBITIOUS lady. It was only unfortunate. Not many people knew she was married. I wouldn't have known either but for her accounts.
What if she had kept it a secret until after 3kids with her? The boy isn't staying with her for now. I will rather not tell 'em parents. I'll pretend I had no prior knowledge should my people find out. Everybody has secrets anyway!

If you have the wherewithal, coupled with the maturity to take care of the unborn baby, leave the pregnancy BUT incase you don't have the aforementioned two factors, consult accordingly. Viz-a-Viz seeking for other practicable advice from yo confidante and ish.

How I wish I can post her faceless picture. She sure ain't looking like a mother. Thanks for the wonderful advice yall.

slimyem: go for it man!
Dont miss out on a good thing!there aint no issue here!
And i suscribe to keeping the child issue from family.they'll only complicate matters!
Goodluck!

Yeah they will always complicate issues, ESP the educated ones like my dad. I'll rather be mute on the issue as you would never suggest she was married. I invited her to Lagos from Ibadan today.

REALITY101:

Nah man, thats your family. You dont need hide ish from them, the decision is always yours no matter what they say.

Only in Nigeri

Pls refer to above. Only in Nigeria. I'll rather be mute and go on than talk about it and be held on - till further notice. Lol

REALITY101:

Lying to his family?

I'll also rather keep mum than lie. Afterall keeping mum isn't any synonymous to lying. Lol

acidtalk: After dating two divorcees. In the past, I became more attracted to ladies with previous marital experience or ladies well above 30years of age.

Their maturity and intelligence is so soothing unlike those small Blackberry chewing gum girls out their who just want to reap one off.

@Poster, believe it or not, she is most likely not ready to remarry in the next 4-5years or even more. Remember she has a son (what more women rush into marriage for -child) and moreover feels she is now way mature than you, at least in the marriage institution.

If you aren't in a haste to get married then you could wait for her, otherwise move on and have her as a plan 'b' as she suggested.

How the best!

Thanks man. Mature Divorcees are reformed and ready to love whole-heartfelt again. To cushion the after-effects of her early break-up, she is occupying herself with schedules, both work and academic. She's also not aversed to settling down again, considering her young age. Not many people knows she is no longer in a relationship though. However, She's waiting to take custody of her child as he'd been forcefully witheld by the erstwhile mother-in-law. After this and the necessary legal actions, we can always start anew.

didadavid: Common, what in the known universe are you waiting for. She could be the best woman you can get under the milky way galaxy, so do not let her past deter you from whatever you have in mind.

Thanks man. I'm doing just that. She's only finding this too good to believe as she thinks she's now '2nd class' although she aint any. I'll still prefer her status to some other hitherto single ladies.

Killz.:
Yes.

@killz. Thanks.

REALITY101:

Yeah, go for it bro. Bleep that Nigeria/African mentality

Thanks Reality101. I plan to keep it secret from my family cos definitely they won't support it, ESP The baby momma part of the story. She never thought a sane, single young man could still come and show her love, considering what happened. And I ask, what if she never told me until after our 3kids? What if I had married a woman with multiple abortions? What if I had married a woman with stillbirth and ish? She sure has learnt some priceless lessons.

The post below refers: it has been treated but I intend showing her the thread, perhaps for her to know how far I went. Do you think it's a good idea or it will rather hurt her more? Counting on your mature responses as usual


"I recently met a good primary school friend of mine lately on facebook. I made efforts to talk her into dating, considering her good childhood and upbringing. To my utter surprise, she confided to me that she was married and now divorced- although not legally yet, with a baby boy - still with the mother-in-law. I'm 27yrs, She's now 25 and the boy is less than 2yrs, got married just after her Bsc. She's a Master's student plus another professional course. Infact I make bold to mention that she was only unlucky. I really like her but she feels her type of woman, a single mother is not for the single, young unmarried guys but a divorcee perhaps. She even told me to have a serious date and keep her as 'plan B'. I dont want to treat her as a second option. I really like her, considering our old friendship and brilliance- among other things. I don't really see it as anything marrying her but she's feeling inadequate now and ish. We are both gainfully employed (6digits). What are the possible implications of my proposal to her? She had rushed to do the first wedding perhaps. Now she's more prepared and mature. She has learnt her lessons. Can you see it working?"

Handsome and cool dudes have at one time or the other dated beautiful guys BUT when they are ready to settle down, they find the ugly ones, most often available. Yeah!

Still waiting @ Idowuogbo

Idowuogbo:

Tutorials starts today.

Code 1- when u see a eye-popping username, target it but make u confirm say na gal ooo.

Brb.....

Copied, while patiently awaiting the next classes. 

Idowuogbo:

Awwwh u are making my head swell sir!

I see u open to options, dats d way forward.

Dont worry i will commence ur tutorial shortly.

Cant wait to commence the tutorial - shortly!

Idowuogbo:

Awwwhhhhhh, am glad i made you feel berra.Job well done Badosky!

Unto the pinging bit,u can always code dem to ur private area na,forget d whole blackburry hype ojere.

If u interested i can always teach u d codes.

Are u game? loolzz

I enjoy your contributions and coordination on this same thread. I dont know how candid are you, but if you are, Teach me the codes. Albeit this is nairaland. Good things can also come out of nairaland as it did in Nazareth - besides fun.
You seem to know how to re-kindle one's hope.