₦airaland Forum

Blaisec: if i hear......

Yes,how may I help you

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering
last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that mess again!"

Female armed robber stripped, beaten and set alight by angry lynch mob
Stripped naked to the waist, she begs for mercy as she is savagely beaten by a lynch mob in the middle of the street.
Alejandra Maria Torres was part of an armed gang that tried to rob bus passengers in Guatemala City.
But as she tried to escape the passengers stripped and beat her before dousing her in petrol and setting her alight.
Police put out the flames and arrested her. Her three companions escaped.
Lynchings are common in Guatemala. In the last year, mobs have attacked more than 250 people, leaving at least 40 of them dead.
Criminals are a frequent target but officials are sometimes attacked, including a judge who issued a rape verdict thought by the public to be too lenient.
The practice stems from the civil war of 1960 to 1996 when civil defense patrols carried out many of the murders in the state-sponsored genocide of Left-wing rebels, many of them peasants.
About 200,000 people died.


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1236323/Female-armed-robber-stripped-beaten-set-alight-lynch-mob.html#ixzz2XKk1YI8b

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

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But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Miraclebaby1109: The fact remains, farting is absolutely natural and harmless, just dat sometimes farting can wake up a dead people..lol

Did "they" die together and at once??

binhozie: I once farted on a bike and the bike man stopped instantly and told me to get lost and sped off. And I was on suit Poor old man. Needless to say, he didn't charge me

Laffed n fell off my akpoti...Guy no b say I dey curse u but u dey craaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeee....

That presenter/interviewer is a certified Ogbanje!!
I can slap the bitch taste outta her mouth

@OP..Its seems to me you were also breaking the law and should be arrested . How could you be driving and recording at the same time?putting other motorists and pedestrians at risk. You even asked the girl sitting beside you to control d steering while you recorded and she obliged you. That is gross misconduct and it is you that should be pummeled by those yellow shirted touts.

braine: But how can someone live in a building for 5 years and not wonder who or what lives above?

Beats me..thank God 4 busy-bodying of our naija culture...such can neva happen here.
5yrs ke?? who sai

The badly decomposed remains of an 89-year-old woman were discovered in her flat five years after she died, police revealed today.
Isabella Purves' body was only found after a downstairs neighbour noticed water dripping through the ceiling of her tenement flat and reported it to the local council.
Officers forced their way into her flat, fighting through the piles of unopened mail which had gathered behind her front door, before making the gruesome discovery.
It is thought nobody noticed Miss Purves was missing as her pension was paid directly into a bank account and bills were paid by direct debit.
Today, as detectives tried to trace the elderly woman's relatives, neighbours, pensioners' charities and politicians spoke of their horror over the tragic case, which one described as a glaring example of the country's fractured society.


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1197314/Woman-85-lay-dead-flat-years-noticed-missing.html#ixzz2XAx80eP4

The same UK wey say make we pay 3k pounds b4 we enta their yeye country..smh 4 dem

Bilany: Last time it was a toilet, today it's a well? Can Jesus just come already? Things like this sicken me.

Are you ready 2 meet Him??

Nigeria vs Spain match analysis....
8 Barca players + 2 Real Madrid players against 1 Chelsea player (Mikel),Enyeama + 9 other moving objects including does wey dey struggle for jerseyideye) and mumu Gambo looking like a Christmas goat.

Wen I remember James Gandolfini....water troway mi eyes oh!!
ah eh ah eh...water troway mi eyes...

The Sporanos was one series I was kinda obsessed with,what with James immaculate portrayal of the Mob Boss Xter. The guy really acted the G in OG.

RIP MAN...God loves U..n we will miss u

In as much as I like Wizzy n his music,I consider this assertion arrogant and IMMATURE. What you consider plain meat to one might be Caviar to others.
Anyways..its his immaturity n childish exuberance talking.

adoptop70: @if_i_hear pls help your,how?

I meant the BBCDAY stuff on MTN which costs just 100naira and you get abt 2.24GB/day

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

firstolalekan: [size=18pt]Nigerian police; They just kill people anyhow, i didnt pity them when about 40 of them were killed in Nasarawa. Good for them. corrupt basstards.[/size]

MUMU[/size][size=8pt][size=8pt][/size]

Abu Mikey: am not the Kinda guy u think I am....so chillax...why the beef sef IsOkay...Nor more beef...We are guys and not ladie...but one advice for you is to create a new account!!.......ur moniker does not sound responsible!!

Guy,u chicken out? I tot u had balls since u cld hide behind ur keyboard...Ur data got spilled n u dey fear HIT!!
No worry...na 1 1 mark on ur buttocks b ur punishment.

marcjoe: Call me on 08161145975 to get
airtel 2gb for N500..
5gb for 1000..
10gb for 1500..
To learn it would be teaching you for 2k...
Giving out 200mb to the first five ppl that drop their airtel numba here....

Is this a joke?? With 100naira on MTN BBC i can get 2.2GB,why should I spend N500 for even less??

Barcelona footballer Lionel Messi and his father are being investigated in Spain for allegedly defrauding the state of more than 4m euros (£3.4m).

The 25-year-old Argentina forward and his father, Jorge Horacio, are suspected of filing fraudulent tax returns for 2007-09, officials say.

His net annual salary at Barcelona is said to be 16m euros, making him one of the world's highest-paid athletes.

On Wednesday, a complaint signed by prosecutor Raquel Amado was filed at the courthouse in Gava - the affluent Barcelona district where Messi lives.

Judges at the courthouse must accept the complaint before the suspects can be charged, reports say.

Messi and his father are suspected of using companies abroad - in Belize and Uruguay - to sell the rights to use the footballer's image.

The accusation is that by using companies based outside Spain where he lives and plays club football, Messi and his father avoided paying more than 4m euros in tax.

If convicted, Messi could face up to six years in prison and a large fine, according to Spain's EFE news agency.

You think Messi will do such kind of act?

babyosisi: Were all his songs in Yoruba?
How come I never heard of the guy?

Seems like he was really loved

It seems you were just resurrected after your hibernation in 1900...welcum back Mummy..as in Egyptian mummy

deshclones: o boy the speed with which you comment on virtually every thread is amazing...you are usually the first to comment on 80% of threads on this forum...

pls how do you do it?....just asking though

Afam no get work..dtsy he he is almost always 1st to comment.

Isnt he cute??

F in primary school
D in secondary school
A in the Poly/University

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

Macleans toothpaste, they hardly advertise it but folks still buy it...

Coke is such a brand that in some places when people want to ask for a soda, they say "do you have coke" and by that they mean do you have any cola at all.
Sardine, Geisha, bic the examples are endless...

Scientists also say that forgetful people have a higher propensity to remember very important things. They say this is because by forgetting the small stuff, they leave space in the brain to remember the very important things.

So as a forgetful person, I forget the small stuff like, we have had more Hausa Fulani folks rule this country and hold more key positions than any other tribe. I also choose to forget the nepotism and blatant unprofessional conducts that characterized the Danbazzau years as army chief. I also forget that all these people criticizing GEJ have not offered alternatives.

My amnesia covers the fact that all this talk about power retuning to the north is only about that, POWER, not about good governance or development. I also choose to forget that during the Yaradua years, we had folks of northern extraction heading all key ministries and parastatals in this same country: Defence, Petroleum,NNPC,­ Finance, Economic Planning, CBN, FCT amongst others. I also forget if we had anybody complain about a northern takeover or such and such, I forget...

Ah but I can't forget that a certain Buhari, said Muslims should only vote Muslim candidates when he was on his campaign trail back in the days in sokoto state when he was visiting the sultan of sokoto. I also cannot forget that this same just man jailed Ekwueme the VP and an Igbo from the south and left Shagari the President and a Hausa Fulani to live free.

How can I forget that a certain Mai gaskiya also said blood will run if he didn't win and that he won't go to court. My empty skull won't allow me forget the fact that during the post election violence that followed the 2011 presidential elections, all that was needed was for Buhari to speak and call in his marauding army back to base but then he kept quiet only speaking after he thought that sufficient people had been sacrificed and then the violence stopped! How can I forget....

Now back to the advertisement and good product talk.Why all the attempt at whitewash of Buhari? He's broke, he said Christians should not work on sundays when he was Head Of State, his driver is a Christian, he doesn't have a house, a list of his governors has recently surfaced showing his seeming love for Christians ( well they left out the GOCs and brigade commanders, the real power brokers with troops that could move)

I mean what's the big idea? What's with all the forced sainthood? If the man is such a stainless man, then you all don't need to worry, Nigerians are still discerning we can spot a good man from miles away!

Advice for the Buhari laundry men/­women, why not stop with the "only incorruptible man in nigeria" and "lover of Christians" lines because they're are tired and will never sell!!! Try something new like his achievements(and please don't talk about him turning Nigeria into a big military secondary school). Talk about his economic policies. Collect his manifesto for the 2011 elections (if he had any) and lift quotes from there because frankly you can post pictures of him crying blood, nothing will happen because truly tears don't win elections!