₦airaland Forum

6)
Three good friends were driving along on the highway one Saturday: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV cut them off.

In an attempt to miss the big vehicle, the driver swerved to the left and hit the median.

The car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly.

They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor asked the others, "Hey, what do you want people to say at your funeral?

I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients.'"

The teacher said, "I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say,

'He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'"

Then the lawyer said, "I'd like people to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"


7)
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work.

As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"



A man had been feeling sick for quite some time and finally decided to see a doctor.

The doctor came out and told the patient that he has some bad news to share.
"You are going to die," he said.

"When will I die?" the patient asked.

"Ten," the doctor replied.

The patient, wondering, asked, "Ten what? Years, months, days , ? Tell me doc,
I gotta know."

"Nine," the doctor said.


9)
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd,

pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right Honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."





10)
Bob went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.

I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on
top of it. Top, under, top, under, you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bob.

Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

joke makes nonsense sense

Good remic. The original one ended in nuns

The priest is definitely gay

@tufe

whether u understand or not, u go say "lol" or "nice"

I no get use for the "pomo"

But wen u see wetin i see for behind, you go get use someway, somehow

@Tufe

Do u know that Clem is a man?

Doctors again
1)
A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there.

The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."

The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."


2)
On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"


3)
Just as a surgeon was finishing an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says. The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that!

I'll close my own incision!" The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, "Suture self."


4)
"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand me that, uh, that uh, thingies."

"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

"Shoot, there go the lights again, "
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."
"What do you mean you want a divorce?"


5)
"I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice."
"Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving."

"Blink once for 'yes'".
"What do you mean we have the wrong patient?"

"Why is there a tag on his toe?"
"Do you think he can hear us?"

"I didn't even know a human could bend that way."
"I'm sorry, we must not have used enough anesthesia.

Just relax now. We'll be done in a jiffy."
"Hold the patient still, we've almost pried it open."

"Did the doctor know he would look like that afterward?"
"Of course I've performed this operation before, nurse!"

"Nurse, make sure you're getting all this down. It'll make a great 'ER' script."

@Tufe,

go to india. safe journey

Wetin u get wey u wan help person?

Nigeria has decided to sell Yobe to US to use as a base for terrorism alert

hmmmmmmmmm good

;d ;d ;d ;d ;d

Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won 1,000,000 pounds on the football pools.

Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.

'Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news,' suggested the eldest son.

The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.

'Now, you don't have to worry about anything,' said the doctor. 'I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently.

I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me.'

The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to football pools.

'Tell me,' said the doctor, 'what would you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million pounds?'

'Why,' replied the old lady, 'I'd give half of it to you, of course.'

The doctor fell down dead with shock

Thnks faketan,

I have been able to establish contact with my great grand dad

Grandma

Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won 1,000,000 pounds on the football pools.

Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.

'Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news,' suggested the eldest son.

The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.

'Now, you don't have to worry about anything,' said the doctor. 'I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently.

I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me.'

The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to football pools.

'Tell me,' said the doctor, 'what would you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million pounds?'

'Why,' replied the old lady, 'I'd give half of it to you, of course.'

The doctor fell down dead with shock

Na who bring the goat for sacrifice?

It aint my fault tufe

smokin ass

@Siena

Believe me, u wont be too eager to know him

and i still satnd my ground

we can postpone it to 30th of february

I like doctors

1)
The psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "Mr. Black is in the waiting room asking to see you again. This time he claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."


2)
Travis goes to the doctor and tells the doctor" I c-c-can't s-s-stop s-s-stuttering".
the doctor checks him over and says "the problem is your dick is to big and it's
pulling down on your vocal cord and causing you to stutter. the way to fix it is to
cut half of it off". Travis says "w-w-whatever it t-t-takes".

Six weeks later Travis goes back to the doctor and says" I don't stutter anymore but
wife and girlfriend left me. I want you to put it back on". the doctor said" F-F-Bleep y-y-you".


3)
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders
ran over to help the driver. A women was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. 'Step aside, lady,' he barked. 'I've taken a course in first-aid!'

The women watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. 'Pardon me,' she said. 'But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here.'


4)
Three surgeons were discussing which types of patients they preferred to operate on. Doctor Waters said, "I prefer librarians. All of their organs are alphabetized."

Doctor Franklin replied, "I prefer mathematicians because all of their organs are numbered."

Lastly, Doctor Zang responded, "I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable."


5)
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's
file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."


6)
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."


7)
The doctor had just finished examining the very attractive young girl.

Doctor: 'Have you been going out with men, Miss Jones?'

Miss Jones: 'Oh. no, doctor, never!'

Doctor: 'Are you quite sure? Bearing in mind that I've now examined the sample

you sent, do you still say you've never had anything to do with men?'

Miss Jones: 'Quite sure, doctor. Can I go now?'

Doctor: 'No.'

Miss Jones: 'But why not?'

Doctor: 'Because, Miss Jones, I'm awaiting the arrival of the Three Wise Men.'



A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?"

Mr. Johnson replies, "I feel just fine, Doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing.

Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!"

The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers.

The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law.

It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on, "

Mrs. Johnson yells, "STEVEN! Dad's peeing in the refrigerator again!"


9)
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.

So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70's or early '80's model Dodge Pickup," said the pastor.

"Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

Still on doctors

1)
Q: Why did the nurse have a long pole and two rubber gloves?
A: Her way of not getting pregnant.


2)
Patient: 'And when my right arm is quite better, will I be able to play the trumpet?'

Doctor: 'Most certainly - you should be able to play it with ease.
Patient: 'That's wonderful - I could never play it before.'


3)
Receptionist: 'Dr. Wynazonski is waiting for you.'
Patient: 'Which doctor?'
Receptionist: 'Oh, no, he's fully qualified.'


4)
Hospital consultant: 'The woman in that bed is the love of my life.'

Matron: 'Then why haven't you married her?'
Hospital consultant: 'I can't afford to - she's a private patient.'


5)
The doctor took his patient into the room and said,

"I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."


6)
This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.

He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"

She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old."

She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"

She says, "Well, your name never came up."


7)
A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem, only you've got to promise not to laugh."

The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 20 years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient."

"OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life.

Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.

"I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."



A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."

The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store.

Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off.

After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began
to suspect fraud.

To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar.

He took this concoction down to the drug store, poured it in the machine, and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

Your tap water has lead.
Get a filter.

Your dog has worms.
Give him vitamins.

Your daughter is on drugs.
Get her in rehab.

Your wife is pregnant.
It's not your baby - get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Still on doctor jokes

1)
'Doctor, doctor! I feel like a piano.'
'Then I'd better take some notes.'


2)
Patient: 'Doctor, every time I eat fruit I get this strange urge to give people all my money.'
Doctor: 'Would you like an apple or a banana?'


3)
'Doctor, doctor! Can you help me? My tongue keeps sticking out.'
'That's good. Now, if you can just lick these stamps, '


4)
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.


5)
Q: Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
A: So she wouldn't wake the sleeping pills!!!!


6)
I went to the doctor this morning and told him I felt run down.
'Why do you feel that?' he asked.
'Because,' I replied, 'I've got tyre marks on my legs.'


7)
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!



When the young man was being examined by the doctor he was asked: 'Does it burn when you pee in the toilet?'

'I don't know,' replied the young man, 'I don't think I'd dare hold a match to it.'


9)
When the doctor came to visit my aunt Claudette my aunt said: 'Doctor, I hope you're going to tell me that I'm very ill.'

The doctor looked at my aunt said: 'But why? Don't you want me to say you're very healthy?'
'No,' replied aunt Claudette. 'I feel absolutely terrible.

And I don't want to feel like this if I'm healthy. But I'm sure you can make me better.'


10)
Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"

"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."

"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.

"I am a general practitioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.

The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of a HMO."

St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven, but only for 2 days."

Struggle

Doctor jokes

1)
What did the vampire doctor shout out in his waiting room?
'Necks please!'


2)
Patient: 'Doctor, I want to stop pulling funny faces.'
Doctor: 'Why?'
Patient: 'Because the ugly people don't like it when I pull their faces.'


3)
When my mother-in-law went to the doctor and complained that her nose runs and her feet smell,
he said: 'I'm not surprised. You were made upside down.'


4)
This morning I went to the doctor to see if he had a cure for my wife's sinus trouble.
Every time she drags me out shopping she keeps telling me 'sign us' for this, 'sign us' for that.


5)
'Doctor, doctor! My small son has just swallowed a roll of film.'
'Don't worry. Let him rest a bit and we'll wait and see what develops.'


6)
Since I had treatment by a private doctor I've lost five kilos in weight.
The doctor's bill was so enormous I've been unable to afford to buy any food to eat.


7)
While I was in the doctor's waiting room there was this tiny man only about six inches tall.
Although he was there before me, he let me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.



Last Tuesday I was in the doctor's waiting room and a young man came in with an expensive watch for the doctor.

'Thank you, thank you, thank you!' said the man, giving the doctor the expensive watch. 'This is a small token of my thanks for all your excellent treatment of my uncle.'

'But he died last week.' said the doctor.
'I know,; replied the young man. 'Thanks to your treatment I've just inherited five million pounds.'


9)
The woman went to see the doctor. She had a large flower growing out of the top of her head.

The doctor looked at the flower and said: 'That is quite remarkable.

I've never seen anything like that before. But I'll soon cut it off.' 'Cut it off?' snapped the woman.

'I don't want the flower cut off. I just want it treated against greenfly.'


10)
A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migrane headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the doc. "I have migraines, too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience.

When I have a migrane, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while.

Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand. especially around the forehead.

This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex, and almost always, the headache is immediately gone.
Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS!

I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."

Doctor jokes

1)
When I asked my doctor to give me something to sharpen my appetite he just gave
me a razor blade.


2)
When I told the doctor's receptionist that I kept thinking I was a billiard ball she
told me to get the end of the cue.


3)
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking!!'

The doctor calmly responded, "Now settle down. Y ou'll just have to be a little patient."


4)
I tried to follow my doctor's advice and give up smoking cigarettes and try chewing
gum instead - but the matches kept getting stuck and the gum wouldn't light.


5)
'Doctor, doctor! How can I get this ugly mole off my face?'
'Get your dog to chase it back into its hole.'


6)
Before I went off to India for my summer holidays I asked my doctor how I could
avoid getting a disease from biting insects. He just told me not to bite any.


7)
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other.

The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands.

Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how he knew.

"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."

Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."


Last week my friend, Mabel, was feeling terribly ill so her husband 'phoned the doctor's surgery.
'I'm afraid the doctor is busy until 10am Thursday,' said the receptionist.

'But that's three days away! My wife is terribly ill,' pleaded Mabel's husband. 'What if she's dead by then?'

'Well,' replied the receptionist, you can always 'phone and cancel the appointment.'


9)
Worried patient: 'Doctor, I'm very worried. I'm still suffering from exhaustion and fatigue when I come home from work every evening.'

Doctor: 'Oh, that's nothing to worry about. Just have a few drinks before your dinner - that will soon wake you up.'

Patient: 'Thanks very much, doctor! But when I consulted you before, you told me to
cut out drinking alcohol completely.'

Doctor: 'Yes, so I did. But that was last week, old chap - and medical science has progressed enormously since then.'


10)
Yesterday I was in the doctor's waiting room and I heard a ninety-six-year-old man pleading with the doctor for a lower sex drive.

Surely you're imagining things,' said the doctor. 'You're ninety-six years old. Isn't all the feeling for sex just in your head?'

'Yes,' replied the elderly man, 'that's why I want you to lower my sex drive to the place where it might do more good.'

Doctor jokes

1)
Q: What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
A: One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.


2)
Q: What is a double-blind study?
A: Two orthopedists reading an electrocardiogram.


3)
Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
A2: Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.


4)
Q: How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!


5)
Q: How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.


6)
A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man.

A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"


7)
You Might Be an E.R. Doctor if,

your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.

you think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
you get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.

you believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain. you say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers.

you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy it is quiet around here." you have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".

you have ever had a patient say, "But I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant. How can I be having a baby?" you have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there".

your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"



You Might Be an E.R. Volunteer if,

your immune system attacks a dog crossing your front garden. you have delusions of being an emergency doctor. the EMS guys think your name is the Coffee Mate.

you tell the doctors and nurses that you don't get paid anything to do this and they look at you like you'r some kind of a freak.

your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
the EMS guys refer to you as "the pain in the ass that got in my way when I was bringing in a code!"

your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat. your favorite colors are green, white and red, even though you are not Italian.

your favorite thing is to take orders from medical students.
you have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over
by a portable X-ray machine.


9)
Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: That depends on whether it has health insurance.
A2: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later.

A3: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
A4: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.

A5: Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
A6: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.



10)
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hamm, green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound, might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

Doctor jokes

1)
Patient to the eye doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."

"Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."


2)
Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"


3)
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in
his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."?


4)
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.


5)
He is not dead, he is electroencephalographically challenged.


6)
"Are you an organ donor?"
"No, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army."


7)
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."
If it is dry - add moist; if it is moisten - add dryness. Congratulations, now you are a dermatologist.



A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."


9)
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.


10)
A woman went to a psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her
sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions
but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"And how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said,
"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say
that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that one time?"

"He was looking through the window at us."

yea man, big one for that matter

. . . . _{and falls into confusion}