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Stats: 3,083,719 members, 7,595,581 topics. Date: Saturday, 30 September 2023 at 06:36 AM
|Nairaland / General / Re: Please Do Not Trust This Nairalander by ituen(m): 10:50am On Jul 20, 2011|
@JazzyJ and Gabby
Enof of this issue.
You guys should report to my office
|Jokes Etc / Please Dont Open. . . . . . . Abeg by ituen(m): 5:20am On Apr 01, 2010|
Ok, now you have opened, scroll down
|Jokes Etc / Re: Newton's first law of love by ituen(m): 5:53am On Mar 31, 2010|
Different phases of a man:
After engagaement: superman
after marriage: gentleman
after 10 years: watchman
after 20 years: doberman
|Jokes Etc / Re: Newton's first law of love by ituen(m): 5:52am On Mar 31, 2010|
A wife's Easter resolution
Lord please give me the PATIENCE to accomodate my husband's ego because if i ask for STRENGHT, I'll BEAT the HELL out of him
|Jokes Etc / Re: Newton's first law of love by ituen(m): 5:51am On Mar 31, 2010|
A parish COCK was stolen during mass
PREIST: who has a COCK? ALL MEN rose
PRIEST: No, who has seen a cock? ALL WOMEN rose
PRIEST: No, I mean who has seen my COCK? ALL NUNS rose
|Jokes Etc / Re: Newton's first law of love by ituen(m): 5:50am On Mar 31, 2010|
God thought that he could'nt be everywhere so he created a mother,
Then devil thought that he could'nt be everywhere so he created a Mother-in-law
|Jokes Etc / Newton's first law of love by ituen(m): 5:46am On Mar 31, 2010|
Based on Newton's 1st law of Love, luv can neither be created nor destroyed but can be changed from one babe to another
|Jokes Etc / Re: Keep Your Head Up by ituen(m): 6:15am On Mar 25, 2010|
Sgt Turkey has been AWOL.
We are still seeking info on his whereabouts
|Jokes Etc / Keep Your Head Up by ituen(m): 8:27am On Mar 24, 2010|
No matter how bad life has treated you… just walk tall with your head high.
|Jokes Etc / Reformed Super Eagles by ituen(m): 10:31pm On Mar 23, 2010|
FYI, Fellow Nigerians
Since fellow country-men have lost confidence in the current Nigerian National team, I hereby present to you a brand new Super Eagles squad as assembled by the new SUPER EAGLES COACH LASS LAGERBACK….
This crop of players can do us proud, so let us give them the needed support.
With these players, South-Africa 2010 is a done deal!
|Jokes Etc / Re: Three Whole Jokes And A Jara! by ituen(m): 9:00pm On Feb 26, 2010|
|Jokes Etc / Re: If Babes Are Like This by ituen(m): 8:57pm On Feb 26, 2010|
YOU of course!!!!!
|Jokes Etc / Re: Na Here Posing Finish by ituen(m): 5:52am On Feb 23, 2010|
here is abbey's doing her thing
|Jokes Etc / Re: Today Na Today by ituen(m): 5:50am On Feb 23, 2010|
sorry oh, i neva take my medcine today
Go brush ur teeth
|Jokes Etc / Re: The Devil Made A Mistake by ituen(m): 5:46am On Feb 23, 2010|
chei ya, i know say u bin wan see MJ even at least at his deathbead
|Jokes Etc / Re: Planning World War 3 by ituen(m): 5:44am On Feb 23, 2010|
na where una go resurrect this thread from
na wa for you oh
|Jokes Etc / Re: Na Here Posing Finish by ituen(m): 5:26am On Feb 21, 2010|
na small tin, others dey follow
|Jokes Etc / The Devil Made A Mistake by ituen(m): 5:25am On Feb 21, 2010|
My hand no dey for here oh
|Jokes Etc / Re: Today Na Today by ituen(m): 5:24am On Feb 21, 2010|
madam e don tey oh.
make i show some newbies how we dey do am back in the days
|Jokes Etc / Re: Na Here Posing Finish by ituen(m): 4:24pm On Feb 19, 2010|
Make una hold on there . . . . . . . the posing still continue.
HERE IS SEUN . . . . . . . The Omo-Oba of Nairaland and his moderators of jokes section (Daniluv and ben-10)
|Jokes Etc / Today Na Today by ituen(m): 4:11pm On Feb 19, 2010|
Today na today, you no go escape,
I go put you for corner, i’m ready for you,
Today na today, you no go escape,
Mo ti ready la ti gba bread yen tan,
But before then bosi gbamgba kajo, ma se sunkun mo oh,
|Jokes Etc / Re: Na Here Posing Finish by ituen(m): 8:41am On Feb 19, 2010|
. . . . . . and their counterparts
|Jokes Etc / Na Here Posing Finish by ituen(m): 8:32am On Feb 19, 2010|
See boys wey don hammer through yahoo yahoo for their area
|Jokes Etc / Re: Breaking News: The Latest Presidential Interview by ituen(m): 2:53pm On Feb 05, 2010|
u neva see something . . . . .
|Jokes Etc / Breaking News: The Latest Presidential Interview by ituen(m): 2:41pm On Feb 05, 2010|
Reporter: How are you feeling Mr. President?
Yar’Adua: I feel like I am still in Saudi Arabia though I am not sure where I am. Ask Turai, she will tell you how I am feeling.
Reporter: Why did you give interview to BBC instead of NTA?
Yar’Adua: My people cannot watch or listen to NTA due to NEPA. But with BBC, everyone will turn on their generators to watch and listen, Who will burn their diesel to watch NTA? Even Goodluck will not do that.
Reporter: What about your 7 point agenda?
Yar’Adua: Forget about that! That was dead on arrival. It was even OBJ’s idea. I have streamlined that into only 1 agenda – ‘Hanging on to dear life’. This will work for every Nigerian. Very simple concept that I learned here in Saudi or Yemen!
Reporter: What are you going to do about Jos crisis?
Yar’Adua: Jos? Is that still part of Nigeria? Wallahi, I didn’t remember.
Reporter: When are you coming back to Nigeria?
Yar’Adua: Never! I am not coming back but don’t tell Turai or Andoakaa. Turai might order these housemaids to switch off my life support. Andoakaa might convince Nigerians that I can rule from heaven(?) and I am just tired of the whole thing.
Reporter: What message do you have for your daughters?
Yar’Adua: Marry only governors. Forget the Muttallab’s!
Reporter: What message do you have for Nigerians?
Yar’Adua: Hold on tight! You think the ride has been rough, it is going to get worse from here. I am glad that I am not going to be part of it. I am enjoying my stay here. My brother, please change that channel for me. I need to watch the next soccer game. Angolans are my favorite team. I just love them.
Reporter: Thank you Mr. President.
Yar’Adua: Oh me? I am still the President? Thank you! You better leave before Turai gets back here!
|Jokes Etc / Re: New Rules Of Air Travel For People Of Nigerian Origin by ituen(m): 1:40pm On Feb 04, 2010|
Attempt it and see for yourself.
As for me, i don go collect Zimbabwean green card
|Jokes Etc / Re: I Am Back! by ituen(m): 1:33pm On Feb 04, 2010|
@Migines, Jeovy, Clem and Cute angel
I just dey show face small small
Miss ya all
|Jokes Etc / New Rules Of Air Travel For People Of Nigerian Origin by ituen(m): 1:23pm On Feb 04, 2010|
New Rules of Air travel for People of Nigerian Origin in the United States
1. Do not go to the toilet for the whole duration of your flight.
2. Do not carry any kind of container into the airport, or onto the plane.
3. Do not request for a window seat. Do not ask to sit in the aisle. Any request for specific seating may be indications of a premeditated plot.
4. If you are given food during the flight, ask the flight attendant not to give you cutlery. A Nigerian with a sharp implements on a plane is asking to be arrested.
5. Do keep your hands in plain sight during the flight. Do not look too happy or too sad.
6. Do not be too polite to flight attendants.
7. Do not be aggressive or have aggressive thoughts toward flight attendants
8. Try not to have any form of carry on luggage. If you do, make sure it contains nothing suspicious or dangerous like pens, pencils, paper, or a calculator, as these are common bomb making materials.
9. Do not carry any electronic items that may be used to communicate with the Taliban ,or used for surveillance, like cell phones, iPods, walkmans, electric toothbrushes or cameras.
10. NEVER travel with your laptop computer.
11. Never travel if you have any kind of tribal marks. That includes the small marks you have managed to cover with facial hair.
12. Do not travel to the U.S if you are an engineer, if you have ever lived in London, or if your father is a banker.
13. Do not talk to other Nigerian on the same flight as you. It makes other people nervous.
14. Do not ask to be upgraded to first class or business class. Sitting too close to the front of the plane makes the pilot nervous.
15. Never admit to your fellow passengers that you are Nigerian. If asked, say you are from the Republic of Zamunda in East Africa.
16. When you are getting onto the plane, do not even glance at the cockpit.
17. Women, do not wear wigs, weaves or hair pieces. Any form of disguise is suspicious.
18. Take a cold shower before coming to the airport. Sweating and scratching yourself is a sign of nervousness. Why are you nervous?
19. Do not fart on the plane. Noxious smells might indicate you have bomb making chemicals hidden in your underpants.
20. Do not go home with the free magazines in the plane. Yes, it says “free”, but that is just a test. Leave the plane with those magazines and you’ll be arrested.
21. Wear clean underwear and be ready for a full body/cavity search.
22. Do not carry any potentially dangerous or toxic substances onto the plane like toothpaste, cough mixture, bottled water, mouthwash, lipstick, chewing gum or baby formula. Make sure your baby’ diapers are empty.
23. Do not get angry with fellow passengers, for any reason, even if it’s their fault. You will still be arrested and sent to Guantanamo Bay.
24. Do not travel by air into, out of, or across the U.S if you are Muslim.
Muslim is defined as :
a. Any person with a suspicious name like Mohammed, Fatal, Fatima, Barrack or Ibrahim, or if your last name starts with El-, Al-, or Abdul-. All Nigerian Alhajis, Alhajas, Alfas and Imams are forbidden from entering U.S airspace
a. Anyone that has ever entered a mosque.
b. Anyone that knows what a mosque is.
c, Anyone that dresses in long flowing garments.
d. Anyone that has a beard.
NOTE: If you converted from Islam to Christianity, you are still classified as Muslim,
25. Always travel with some kind of proof that you are a Christian. Preferably always travel with your pastor.
26. Do not attract attention to yourself, Do not drive to the airport in your Mercedes or Honda like a typical Nigerian. Instead, drive an American car like Pontiac or Chevy. You may be mistaken for an American. Or Haitian.
27. Do not ask to drink soda, tea or coffee in the airport or on the plane. Always ask for alcohol to prove you are not a Muslim.
28. Do not travel by air in the U.S if you have ever had a parking ticket, extra-marital affairs, stolen stationary from your office, or if you have ever exceeded the speed limit. This is a sign of severe subversive terrorist behavior.
27. Do not travel on or around Christmas day or on September 11 th . Avoid travelling on or around Easter, Thanks Giving , Independence day or New year’s Day. Avoid traveling on Muslim holidays. Avoid air travel in the summer or winter. (NOTE: no specific reason, its just to piss you off)
28. YORUBA people please!!! Do not prostrate to greet your elders at the airport. People may thing you are dodging bullets or protecting yourself from a bomb blast.
29. NEVER, EVER carry any kind of Nigerian food onto a US aircraft.
30. Wearing agbadas, head ties, wrappers, danshikis, etc to the airport is not recommended. They make you look very un-American, and therefore potentially dangerous.
31. Do not act like a typical Nigerian for the duration of the flight. This includes speaking any language other than “American English”. Speaking any “funny” language is to be avoided. If you have elderly parents that do not speak “American”, they should NOT speak for the duration of the flight. If spoken to, their response to anything should be “Yeah man”.
32. DO not talk to your fellow passengers. Statements like “hello” might be misconstrued to be “Hello, you are my next victim”. Statements like “Hello, my name is Mohammed”, may be interpreted as “my name is Mohammed and I’m gonna blow up this goddam plane”.
33, Do not wear large afros that may conceal weapons or bombs.
34.Do not carry any kind of document , newspaper or book that contains any form of Arabic inscription or writing. You will be detained until a translator can be found.
35. Do not argue when you are told your luggage is over weight. Apologise profusely and pay double what they ask you for excess luggage.
|Jokes Etc / I Am Back! by ituen(m): 9:26am On Dec 15, 2009|
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you slowpoke!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I' d like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
|Jokes Etc / Re: What Word Starts With An 'f' And Ends In 'k by ituen(m): 5:51am On Aug 10, 2009|
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