₦airaland Forum

mikuz:
hmmm

guy wazup, hw your side?

Girlfriend giving house directions
to her Boyfriend-
"Come to the front gate of my
apartment where you dropped me,
look for flat 5 A.You'll find a lift on
your right. Hit 5 with your ELBOW, Get out of the lift. You'll find my flat
on the left, Hit the doorbell with
your
ELBOW & i'll get the door for you"
Boyfriend says- dear, that seems
easy but why am I hitting buttons with my elbow?
GF -"OMG! Are you coming empty
handed, ?
Lol Women will never change

ASUU strike Dec 4,
Fuel subsidy removal Jan 1,
NLC strike Jan 9.
Dis is pure 419 

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.

When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."

"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"

The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk when something is in my mouth.

Headmaster of a school wanted to make an announcement to his students but they were making a lot of noise. so he said my student can u pls stop the noise because this '''important is very very announcement'''

mikuz:
hmm,
kellynoah how are you?
happy new year!!

bros. fineoooooooooooooo, hope dis subsidy no reach ur side?

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That�s a good piece of fir." "Correct,� says the manager, �now try this one." "That�s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,� says the blind man, �Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you�re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It�s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

Memory Class
An elderly couple had been
experiencing declining memories, so
they decided to take a power memory
class where one is taught to remember
things by association.
A few days after the class, the old
man was outside talking with his
neighbor about how much the class
helped him.
"What was the name of the
Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man
pondered. "You know that flower, you
know, the one that smells really nice
but has those prickly thorns, what's
that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He
then turned toward his house and
shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name
of the Instructor we took the memory
class from?"

Subsidized Senior High School was desperate because it lacked an english teacher and badly needed one.
One day,a neatly dressed middle aged man presented himself at the office of the school Head, claiming to be an english professor with 30yrs experience. Feeling excited for this good news,the Headmaster called for all staff and student gathering to introduce the prof.

Headmaster : dear staff and students,today i am glad to introduce to you a great and well experienced english professor, I am sure he is glad to see you all.
(turning to the prof,the Head asked)

Head : prof are you not happy to see them?
Prof : Yes I is.

thanks man.

A guy arrived @ a hotel with a lady 15 yrs older than him.
Manager: Sorry, we don't allow such here.
Guy: Oh, she's my mum.
(He was given a key. 15 mins later the Manager asked a staff to go and verify if truly that lady was his mum. Staff goes and come back.)
Staff: Yes sir, she is.
Manager: How do you know?
Staff: I saw her breas*t feeding him.

A man went 2 his pastor, knelt dwn n bgan confesin tearfully pstor I hv sin
Pastor : My son wat did u do, jst confes wat exactly did u do? God almighty wil 4gve u
Man: (sobbing) pastor I committed adultery wit several of d female church members
Pastor : can u mention their names n hw mny tims u slept wit each of dem? u c 4 your 4gvnss 2b complte, u nid 2mention dem, so dat we can also pray 4dem.
Man: Aaaah Pastor I cn't, I am ashamed
Pastor; Okay dis is wat we wil do, after service we wil go 2d church entrance 2gether n watch members come out, once any1 u hv slept wit comes out, jst say pau if it is once, u slept wit her. D No. of tims u say pau, will indicate d No. of tims u slept wit dat particular person.
And so dey went 2d church entrance.
Head usher passes wriggling her buttocks
Man: Pau. Pau
Pastor d Lord 4giv u
Deacon’s wife pases caryin bible
Man: Pau
Pastor :May d Lord 4giv u
A choir member pases singin
Man: Pau pau pau
Pastor: God will 4giv u…yes he will
Lo n bhold…Pastor’s wife gaan gaaan passes by and Man goes off like a machine gun
Man: Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau pau pau pau Pau Pau pau pau Pau pau pau pau pau pau pau
Pastor:Yeeeeeeeeeeeeee paaaaa!!! May God punish your father!!! !!!! God will never 4give U!

Onyiclassic:
Cant stop laughing at d second one,nice one poster

laugh but dont fart, last time u farted fuel subsidy was removed so am scared.

bright007:
*first one na copy $ paste*Second one no funny*






So where is d joke?

MALAPROPISM

ANSWERS OF A BRILLIANT STUDENT
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of
Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for
divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for
failure? * exams
Q6. What can you never eat for
breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the
blue sea what it will become? * it will
simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days
without sleeping ??
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant
with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that
has only one hand,
Q11. If you had three apples and four
oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what
would you have ? * Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to
build a wall, how long would it take
four men to build it? * No time at all,
the wall is already built
. Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a
concrete floor without cracking it?
*Concrete floors are very hard to
crack.

A beautiful and well groomed girl once informed her dad that her boyfriend would like to come see him for her hand! On the said day, the guy arrived home chewing gum! The dad was enraged and challenged him "Isn't it a sign of disrespect?" He fumed, "no daddy, it's just that I drank a bit," the guy replied! "So you drink also?" The father queried? "Yes when I go clubbing!" He said! "So you club also? How long have you been clubbing?" The distraught father asked, "since I came out of prison," he replied quietly! "So you were once in prison?" the worried father asked "why were you in prison?" He added, "Since I killed someone," the guy replied, "Why did you kill someone," the father asked. And the guy said "because he didn't want me to marry his daughter".And the father said: "You have my blessing good boy!!!!

emefuna is a house boy who drinks his Boss' wine with impunity then adds water 2 cover his tracks. His Boss became suspicious & decided 2 buy pasties (a French wine that changes color if u add water; just like dettol). Unaware of this, Ikemefuna, drank from d wine as usual & topped it up with water.
Immediately he added water, d pasties became milky & he knew he was in trouble. When d Boss came back & saw the changed pasties, he knew he had nailed ikemefuna.
Ikemefuna knowing he was in trouble decided 2 stay put in d kitchen when his boss came home.
The Boss having told his wife what he observed now swung into action.
"Ikemefuna!", he called from the sitting room.
He answered: "Yes, Boss".
"Who drank my pasties?".
Ikemefuna: No answer.
The Boss asked again: still no answer. Then d Boss went to the kitchen 2meet him there:
"Are u insane or what? Why when I call, u say "yes boss" but when I ask you a question u don't answer me? "
Ikemefuna retorted, "hmmm oga when u are in d kitchen u don't understand anything at all, except your name"
"Is that so?" asked the boss, "Okay, go to the bar stand beside Madam, while I go into d kitchen; & then, you ask me a question" Ikemefuna accepted. When his boss was in d kitchen he shouts: "Boss".
"Yes, ikem" Boss answers. Ikemefuna then asks, "Who goes into the maid's bedroom when Madam is not at home?"
No answer.
D boy shouted again: "Boss, I say who dey sneak into d maid's room when madam no dey house?"
No answer.
The Boss runs back from the kitchen shouting "Wonders shall never cease! Ikemefuna, It is true o, when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, except one's name." D wife now very angry, interrupted, "that's not true. It's a lie! Without argument." Ikemefuna asked if she'll enter d magic kitchen 2 be tested. She agreed. Ikemefuna asks madam, "Who's junior's biological father? Me or d Boss? "Madam rushed out of the kitchen. "This kitchen needs 2 b fumigated o! I can't understand anytn at all!

"A thief was caught stealing a blackberry in Lagos and a tyre was put around his neck and matches was brought out but nobody agreed to bring petrol. The thief smiled and said THANK GOD FOR FUEL SUBSIDY Oooo,

bright007:
@kelly:d option D is d most correct answer.

which of these,when removed will bring joy to Nigerians,
a)fuel subsidy
b)boko haram
c)Pres.Goodluck Jonathan,
d)all of the above!

Fuel subsidy Brou-Ha-ha! Situation changes btw BF & GF:
Girl: Are u still coming to see me?
Boy: No, fuel subsidy has been removed
Girl: How do we meet then?
Boy: Let’s meet on Facebook.
Girl: Thought you wanted to play with me
Boy: We can still play…, Poke me, I will poke you back

ATTENTION PLEASE! A Range Rover sport Car snatched @ gun point along NNPC rd, owner shouting my fuel, my fuel o o o o pls help!

Hmmmm HOW HAPPY NEW YEAR JUST DISAPPEARED 4RM evr1s lips, its fuel subsidy, lets see what it can cause:
1.Guys nd Artist will start posing with 50kegs of petrol in pictures and videos.
2.People who have gone to the village for holiday might not return.
3.My neighbourhood is dead silent not even 1 generator can be heard.
4.Bicycle sellers report high rise in sales.
5.You can deposit your fuel at zenith bank,GTB or any bank close 2 you.
6.Bride price will cost and may even include 100litresof petrol.
7.Dont be shocked if your slapped for trying to burn a thief with petrol.
8.Barbing Saloon:Nepa 200, Gen 500.
9."Walk out" will be a popular saying among lovers.
10.No more accidents,it will be knee and ankle dislocations.
11.Gall:i like going to expensive places,Boy:Meet me at Mobil filling station by 4pm.
12.Rihanna ft GEJ "shut up and walk"
13.QPR vs SWANSEA N200, BARCA vs REAL MADRID N1000

14.Resident:what do you care for, Visitor:I'll take petrol, Wahala don come be that o o

Fuel will gradually become a status symbol in Nigeria: if u pick a chick in ur car, she will first look at ur fuel guage and will exclaim positively or negatively: "Chei!, full tank, this guy is a big boi o!" Or " mtcheew, reserve, no AC, abeg drop me for dat.

I was one of the first to listen to this
conversation, now its your turn,
2011: My son am tired
2012: why?
2011: My time is up, i will be going to join
your forefathers
2012: I know, u have less than 5 hours to
live, i will miss you Dad
2011: But let me tell you some things b4 i go
2012: What is it?
2011: Please when i go, make sure you take
care of this person
2012: Who?,
2011: The person (reading) listening to this
conversation of ours?
2012: Okay
2011: I made some promises to this person
during my reign, i fulfilled some, and some
I
couldn’t
2012: But why couldn’t you fulfill all dad?
2011: Well, my son, sometimes time and
human factors affected some of the
promises
2012: But,
2011: But surely, I spoke with God on this
person's behalf, and God granted my wish in
you to fulfill the rest promises. So these
are
the rest of the fulfillment you will carry
out on
this person,
2012: Go on dad,
2011: Stabilize this person's health
without
cease all through your reign!Open a direct
link between our God and this person
2012: Done, carry on
2011: Ensure that this person's dreams come
to reality within the shortest
2012: Alright
2011: Give this person wealth that will
touch
lives of multitudes
2012: surely
2011: Make sure that you remove all
remaining hindrances to success from this
person's way, I have been trying to make sure
that money will never remain d priority of
this
person, so keep to that pls, make sure son!
2012: I will dad, no problem!
2011: Pay more emphasis on the advice of
this person's friends, dont worry about that
of this person's enemies, God will take care
of
that! Get it?
2012: Yes
2011: Finally, promise me that when your
own time is up, you will instruct that
your
offspring after offspring (2013, 2014,
2015, to, 2100) to keep positive
fulfilments
of this person going!
2012: yes dad, may God help me!
2011: Now i can pass to the beyond happily!
May you be prosperous!!!
2012: Amen!This is wishing u all a glorious
2012

djl:
nice one. i did it n its right.

woooow lucky you.

Application for Employment. Dear Sir, I refer to the recent death of the Technical Manager at your company and wish to apply for the replacement of the dead manager. Each time I apply for employment I am told there is no vacancy but on this one, I have caught you red handed coz I even attended the funeral and made sure that he was truly dead before applying. Find attached his obituary. . . .

A girl thought LOL mean "lots of love"so she sent it in d followin text to her boyfriend'sorry to hear about ur mom's death, LOL!!

chinese couple living in lagos gave birth to a black baby,in anger her husband asked d wife chu,why baby black,she replied we live in Nigeria, no electricity, Me hot, you hot, sex hot, And baby burn.

Policeman: Man, how did u kill 50 people in a car accident?Man: i was driving at about 40mph, when i tried to stop i found that i had no brakes. i saw 2 men walking on the street and a wedding on d other side of d street, who should i hit?Policeman: of course the 2 men,less damage. Man: that's what i thought to myself, but when i did it, i hit only one and the other one ran to the wedding, SO I DROVE AFTER HIM.

Dis morning I updated my facebook status; "Im gonna sleep shirtless tonight" and after a minute i got notifications that 18 mosquitoes 'like' this, pls. what should I do now? i need ur kind advice