₦airaland Forum

Joining in the euphoria of Nigeria’s U-17 Golden Eaglets defeat of Mexico and the lifting of the cup are the children of two of the Eaglets. In a village square in Northern Nigeria, an Eaglet’s 4-year-old son was seen wearing a T-shirt with his daddy’s number prominently written on it while running around. Neighbors noted that the boy is not the Eaglet’s first child. “He has a 6-year-old girl by another woman,” says a neighbor to ZNN247 reporter.

The neighbor said that when he visited the 6-year-old girl’s mother, he overheard the girl saying to friends, “I watched my Daddy score.”

Meanwhile, in the suburbs of Umuahia, a child of another Eaglet joined family and friends as their celebrated in a private viewing party organized by the Eaglet’s local football team. The 3-year-old girl was seen pointing at the TV screen and saying, “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy,” each time her father’s face appeared.

The use of modern technology like MRI to measure bone marrow density to determine a player’s age has not deterred the Nigerian side from cheating. According to Nigerian football insiders, the Nigerian players and their coaches have figured out how to beat the system. They discovered that eating the popular abacha, cassava tuber or the leaf, produces a chemical that deceives MRI machines and other age identifying technologies.

“The children of these U-17 players,” a football analyst told ZNN247 reporter,” will grow up one day to discover that officially their fathers had them at the age of 10. hahahahah.”

http://znn247..com/2013/11/i-watched-my-daddy-score-says-daughter.html

Nollywood actress and self-styled vixen, Cossy Orjiakor struck gold yesterday when an American company agreed to insure her signature boobs for $1.6 million dollars. The company, Enhanced Silicon Inc. famous for insuring the breasts of Pamela Anderson and Dolly Parton agreed to the deal just before Cossy Orjiakor’s recent birthday bash, where she displayed her endowments for the world to see.

ZNN247 can confidently report that the star will travel to Los Angeles in two weeks to sign on the dotted lines.

“I specifically asked for $1.6 million,” Cossy told our reporter, “to show Stella Oduah that you don’t have to misuse public funds to get what you want.”

As part of the deal awaiting her signature, there will be limits on how many men and women touch her breasts each month. Also, the breasts have all been given names and must now be treated as people in future movie roles. That means that Enhanced Silicon Inc. will determine how much a movie producer will pay each breast for an appearance in a movie.

“The downside of the deal is that I may get dressed more often now,” says Cossy Orjiakor.

A sample of men on the street of Lagos told our correspondent that the day Cossy’s breast go into witness protection would be a sad day. But one Pentecostal pastor who doesn’t want us to use his name else he church members know him said, “She will be more appealing if she leaves some things to the imagination.” The man of God added, “I like to do the undressing myself.”

Plans are at advanced stage for the official revealing to each breast’s name in Lagos when Cossy returns from LA. Trust ZNN247 to bring you details as they happen.

http://znn247..com/2013/11/cossy-orjiakor-insures-her-boobs-for-16.html

Could this be true? That President Jonathan will return to teach Bio 101 at the University of Abuja.

http://znn247..com/2013_11_01_archive.html

“For those who do not understand the science behind the eclipse of the sun, the whole eclipse thing is like what has been happening in Aso Rock in the last two weeks. In this case, Saharareporters came between Jonathan and his Stella and created a partial eclipse in the life of the president.” Dr. Damages.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApEMKrIE2yk

10. President Jonathan sees the whole story as another tale inside the molue.

9. She knows where the bodies were buried, so Jonathan would rather have her inside pissing out than outside pissing in.

8. Her neighbor-to-neighbor project means shared secrets and diseases.

7. As a princess, in good standing, she needs more time to pack up her make up bags.

6. She’s the only person allowed to call Jonathan the commander in chief of the armed forces.

5. If she’s fired, Saharareporters has won. If she’s not, Sharareporters has won.

4. If Stella goes, so goes Jonathan’s good luck charm.

3. For $1 million dollars, Reputation Defender is promising to fix her reputation.

2. Just like a crocodile cannot stick its tongue out, a princess cannot resign from her throne.

1. She is the only female minister who prepares ofe nsala for the First Lady. Yeah! As if she knows how to cook.


Here are some stories making headlines across Nigerian newspapers this week.

1. Vatican Suspends German Bishop Known for High Spending. The Man of God spent $43 million to love-vendor his house. To which Bishop David Oyedepo said, “You called that money? That’s chicken change.”

2. Sovereign Confab’ll throw Nigeria into anarchy says Senator Ekweremadu – Asked what he meant by anarchy, the deputy senate president said “anything that’ll threaten my $3 million dollars a year salary and another $5 million dollars a year in kickbacks and bribes.. Now that’ll be anarchy,” he said.

3. Presidential fleet larger than three domestic airlines- Punch. Why not? Which domestic airline carries around, every day, a permanent secretary with 4 PhDs? Oh, by the way, Congrats, our First Lady. I understand you will now be teaching Korean and Chinese languages at Otuoke university. When I’m done studying diplomacy at Asari Dokubo’s university, I’ll register for your classes at Otuoke.

4. Anambra State Election: Don’t drag Ojukwu into this, Ifeanyi Ubah warns Gov Obi. Wow! All I want to know is in what language did Ifeanyi Ubah speak? Someone told me it was Nnewi English?

5. It’s not in my place to judge whether TB Joshua is fake or not – says actor Jim Iyke. You’re right about that, bro. Your job is to fake, sorry, I mean, act.

6. “I treat only malaria and typhoid,” says Fake Doctor. Don’t worry, my friend, you’re doing great. I know many non-Fake doctors who cannot treat either one of those diseases.

7. “I don’t mind showing certain parts of my body,” says actress Ella Mensah. Yeah! Do we get to choose which part you show?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBjO-HGRTwI

Here are the stories making headlines in Nigerian newspapers this week.

1. Nigeria in deep financial crisis, says Gov. Adam Oshiomhole. E be like say this man wants Mrs. Ngozi Okonjo Iweala to fire him. You don’t say anything bad about the economy without pissing Ngozi up.

2. 64 million Nigerians are mentally ill, says Tribune. And the rest are on the sideline playing the gong for them.

4. Onitsha deportees slam N1 bn suit against Lagos state. I hate to be a party popper but I guess these deportees have been away from Lagos for too long. That money is not enough for a night at the tallest hotel in Lagos.

5. UCH performs first open heart surgery. Do you know what the surgeons found? The Nigerian heart is not so smart.

6. For 1 million pounds sterling, UK to send back 537 Nigerian prisoners. Just when you think that Mr. Dilly is making waves in Lagos, wait until the Londoners return.

7. EFCC broke, Can’t pay lawyers. I guess that’s why Al Mustapha wants to do the job for free.

8. Call off strike, Sultan begs ASUU, Doctors. Sultan, what happened, men! In the olden days, presidents beg the Sultan. Now the Sultan begs. What happened?

9. Senate President, Speaker, reject N3 bn official house. Can they donate it to Majek Fashek and the Onitsha deportees?

10. 17 fake Corpers arrested. Did you hear that, Amaka? So, Amaka, stop complaining that the allawi is not enough.

11. New Abuja city gate to gulp N64bn. Prophet T. B. Joshua says that even the gate to heaven was not that expensive.

12. "I would love to have Genevieve as my wife," says D'Banj. Eayeah! I guess when everything else fails, you proposal via the new media.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fUUB98wA8c

Here are some stories making headlines across Nigerian newspapers.
1. Nigeria loses N250bn monthly to oil theft - London Observer. FG can't stop it & has no N90bn for ASUU to end its strike. Maybe this solution will work for everyone. Why not give ASUU license to join oil bunkers?
2. When two elephants fight, the grass suffers. When Reuben Abati fights Femi Fani-Kayode, dozens of women who need their attention suffer.
3. Nigeria’s total public debt rose from N6.25tn ($40.1bn) in 2010 to N9.04tn ($58.04bn) in 2012- Debt Management Office. Oh, Ngozi. Please don’t fire the Debt Management Office.
4. Students, female professor take clothes off in class to protest new dress code. Ooooooh. Why didn’t they do this when I was in school?
5. Akpabio blames Nigeria’s woes on false prophecies. Oh, that one is easy to deal with. Arrest the prophets and that will end the bad prophecies. If you lock up Prophet T.B. Joshua planes will stop crashing in Nigeria.
6. PDP to Fani Kayode: You represent the bad, the ugly and the scandalous. Come on people, the rich man did not treat his prodigal son this way.
7. ‘How Nigeria can earn $1b from herbs and medicinal foods’ – Maurice Iwu. So this man knew of this pot of gold and yet he went to INEC to loot?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4epjqXjb_ic

Now here is a funny review of President Jonathan's media chat. I bet you, you will have a different view after watching this.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yR7zHs05mww

“Talking about anti-Christ, a Ghanaian bishop has called Prophet T. B. Joshua an anti-Christ. Bishop Isaac Benpah said that in a dream he saw T.B. Joshua with horns on his head, with a tongue of a snake and a face of a wolf. All that was before T.B. Joshua even dressed up.” Dr. Damages.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1X_OZ89Ij50

“I’ve been accused of insulting the President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria and the Commander in Chief or the Armed Forces. It pains me so much. This week, I was told that I was one of those in the mind of Nigeria’s information minister, Mr. Labaran Maku when he said that, “President Goodluck Jonathan is the most abused president in the world.” Obviously, Mr. Maku has not heard about one President Barack Obama. Remember this?... What could be more humiliating? Oh, maybe Maku would have preferred this:” says Dr. Njakiri Damages.

Watch for yourself [img][/img]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmixJKCdqsA

What does a French scientific study about men with small joysticks have to do with Dr. Doyin Okupe's clash with Omoyele Sowore on Al JazeeraTV?

Find out by watching episode 88
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RxHUTjJfUU

Did Pres. Barack Obama rip off Dr. Damages' joke in his performance at the White House Correspondents Dinner?

Watch Dr. Damages Show episode 87 and find out for yourself.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsNLEvQCySE

Dr. Damages in episode 86 unearths a Press Conference Pres. Jonathan does not want you to see.
Watch!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBF12VLxTXg

From Dr. Damages 85, Unborn babies in the US to get guns to defend themselves against doctors planning to abort them.

Watch!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpIukJJ5Qac

In this Dr. Damages Show – episode 84: He warns about demonstrating naked in front of politicians especially in Africa. On discovering that the Gate to Hell is in Turkey and not in Nigeria, disappointed Nigerians got into the tunnel and it led them to a funny place.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xl3APuTRdE

He ran with it.

Funny and yet full of wisdom and truth.

Enjoy

http://saharareporters.com/column/my-first-day-work-madam%C2%A0-rudolf-ogoo-okonkwo%C2%A0

Dr. Damages in his 83 episode wonders what would have happened if Pope Francis had bent down to wash & kiss James Ibori's foot.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z49pKL0334E

Gay marriage debate brought to life by the one and only, Dr. Damages. And the funny things that happen when Uhuru Kenyetta meets Jomo Kenyetta, Goodluck Jonathan meets Tafawa Balewa, Joseph Kabila meets Patrice Lumumba, John Mahama meets Kwame Nkrumah, Jacob Zuma meets Nelson Mandela,

Are the new crop of African leaders the reason Bill Gates donated $100,000 for anyone to come up with a new design for condom?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUIpcN7-niI

"Have you taken your medication?" God asks Arthur Eze in a letter he sent to Dr. Njakiri Damages.


Watch!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJxctPYFfBo

This is according to Dr. Damages oh. No be me talk am.

Watch!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0j78NHM-Xw

He lived in New York for too long. He fell for it. Dr. Damages does the Harlem shake. Watch!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHO0VhN_NbA

As the Pope says goodbye, Dr. Damages turns his attention to the new Pope – Pope Patience of Otuoke. Watch!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxcgHDgRqMQ

With the death and resurrection of Patience Jonathan, there are unknown implications hanging out there.

Watch Dr. Damages Show – episode 77 for some of them. Lol


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbJl5q-QLRw

Dr. Damages in show 76 states the Top Ten Reasons Why Pope Benedict XVI resigned.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMcTQQK-hsU

Lol.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uN_X1j9GNHc

Dr. Damages accomplishes the impossible. He referees a debate between Labaran Maku and Oby Ezekwesili.

Watch!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYGVxxM3YhQ

What makes an aircraft? It is not just piece of metal put together. If it hasn't flown it is not an aircraft.

9: He conducted the interview standing up. Jonathan doesn’t do well standing up in front of a white woman.
8. It was a bad idea to hold video interview. President Jonathan does well after he shakes a woman’s hand.
7. The mountain of Switzerland is a wrong background to use in an interview. Next time try a zoo full of lions and zebras.

Watch!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TgYF3i8AWd4

"Over the years, Nigerians have been reduced to a mere greedy bunch. For us, the only games in town are; whose property is bigger; whose vanity is superior, whose grandeur is larger. The measure of success has been reduced to some silly mantras: My bank accounts are larger than yours; my hummer is bigger than yours; my kids are in more elite universities abroad than yours; my pastor’s temple is larger than yours; my convoy is longer than yours. This greed breeds corruption and the corruption in turn feeds the greed. And the vicious cycle continues. Self-aggrandizement has become a substitute for self-actualization." Rudolf Ogoo Okonkwo

http://saharareporters.com/column/my-police-college-better-yours-rudolf-ogoo-okonkwo

OMG! Funny shiit.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnBT0cONYxU

Nigeria’s Minister of Agriculture, Dr. Akin Adesina proposes plastic surgery for 10 million Nigerian farmers. Watch!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Stm8EhS9so

I am getting the hang of this show. And I think you should try it out. Political, yet, hilarious. Watch!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTJxuVHF6Lg