₦airaland Forum

Finecat:
I care less about Tan David-West but truth be told, Jonathan is a very weak president. He governs like he's afraid of stepping on people's toes. You don't make progress like that, to move Nigeria forward you have to be prepared to stump on peoples's foot! Nigerians are not known to be the most ladies and gentlemen in the world, be prepare to enforce rules if you want to succeed.

I feel you, and I am of the same opinion. I hear his hands are not so clean in the corruption department as such he is handicapped to deal with issues the way he ought to.

violent:
A man must learn to draw his lines and enforce it!. . . If you don't let people know, that there will be consequences for their actions and you re willing to punish them for the things they do wrong, you'd continue to be the pole and they the pigeon!

Being assertive without bein violent (no pun intended) is the key. . .if you don't like it, spell it out right from the onset, taking bullshyt does not make you a "loving husband",.

@ voilent[/b]

Thank you ooh God bless you! In a nutshell you've basically said everything I honestly feel, have said and I've been trying to convey to okada_man. I guess I just said too much and my meaning got lost somewhere in the many words.

The sort of man you described above is the kind of man I would secretly admire and genuinely respect for not putting up with my bullshit or allowing me treat him like the pole.

@ Akiolu Please pardon me for derailing your thread here.


@ Okada_man

Am still fuming ooh! am not done yet! Because it seems to me like you have deliberately chosen to misunderstand or misinterprete my words. And I am not s. e. x. i. s. t

So what exactly did you mean by " I'll give you a free ride on my okada" in your earlier post? Pls explain yourself. Because honestly that felt very suggestive and it came across as having a  s. e. x. u. a. l  undertone to it.

I sure could read the riot act to myself and curb my bad behaviour as an adjusted adult, but that won't happen all the time because it is human nature for us to tend to deny something wrong about us or to be defensive when others point out our faults.

Now when I fail to, or I am unwilling to give myself a reality check in the bad behaviour department (like the poster's wife is doing) I see nothing wrong with my man or anyone regulating that behaviour with a firm hand. I sure won't think my man is a wussy in a situation like this and I believe the term be your brother's keeper will apply here.

Relationships of any kind tend to regulate our behaviours, a child may not listen to a parent on something until he is beaten, a girlfriend may take her man for granted (like poster's wife) until he puts his foot down. Behavourial regulation is necessary in some cases if we do not want to be taken for granted.

jennykadry:
even if my husby buys me a range rover sports 2020 model without saying I am sorry, I no go collect(ok, well I will think about it first).

That word ''i am sorry'' goes a long way in one's life, no amount of gifts or good food can change that.

Jenny, jenny am LOL at the bolded part . You no serious. The gift of the car will be an apology in itself why do you want to hear the words? I need to understand this part oooh, for those of you saying the words are necessary.Pls explain it to me.

Me I still like apology in action not in words ooh! Talk is cheap, way too cheap.

newbride:
for those that said an apology can come in different ways, I don’t believe that. I believe in the word 'I am sorry', and that’s what I want to hear when my hubby wrongs me and I do the same when I wrong him. You offend me then buy me flowers without saying that word?, not accepted

I said that , and I believe an apology can really come in different ways. I think these two words "[b] I am sorry" and " I love you" are often abused[/b]. We tend to utter them without truly meaning them. And the phrase I'm sorry can be said sooooo defensively sometimes.

Personally, I would prefer to get an apology in action rather than in words, after all our actions do speak louder than words. I like the scenario you created above with the flowers add my favourite chocolate to that, with a simple note that says "Can you please let it go, Can we start over or I miss you" and that will honestly be good enough for me.

I don't like flowers though, so sending me chocolates at work with such a simple note, will let me know my man is sorry for whatever he has done.

@ okada_man

I don't need a ride from u and am fuming @ the s. e. x. u. a. l undertone of that particular phrase in your post.
Secondly, I don't need my man or anyone to regulate my behaviour as you put it. However when I act in a way or manner that is extremely exasperating or offensive to anyone which is bound to happen because am human and not perfect (either consciously or unconsciously). I would appreciate it (not immediately but much later) when I'm read the riot act and not allowed to get away with my bad behaviour. Do you comprehend now?


@ tpia
Seriously,  I'm wondering how you could misconstrue my reply and come up with a response like that. Now I may be young at heart but am definitely not naive. And I know just the sort of man that will suit my personality, to each her own. You really need to loosen up as someone suggested on another thread, you sure can be uptight about plain/simple matters

coogar:
some women love the iron hand. . . . .that's the only way they can be assured you are the man!

Ooooh! You've definitely got that right.

I can't stand a man being too soft or too easy on me when I know I am being a severe pain in the butt (like poster's wife).

I don't want a Robert Mugabe or Ghadaffi kind of man, a man who won't be too soft OR way too hard will do just fine

Just don't tolerate my excesses because that may cause me to take things for granted unconsciously or unintentionally.

Interesting story,

Personally I don't think you've done anything wrong under the circumstance. Your wife sounds like a woman frustrated by the fact that she lacks a means of livelihood (i.e a job or business) I've been there and I can remeber being moody at the time. Am glad you are working towards starting a business for her, is she aware of this?

An apology can come in different ways, a person doesn't always have to say the words "I am sorry''. These words are often abused and people utter them without sincerity. Does she try to apologize in other ways by her actions? Such as cooking your favourite meal afterwards, or just doing things to please you?

In a situation like this (as a woman) I would love for my man to put down his foot real hard and not condone my excesses or any bullshit from me. I secretly admire the men I have dated who did not put up with my bullshit and were always firm with me about, my annoying habits such as moodiness, tantraums etc

You need to whip her into shape on this one or better still try the silent treatment when she misbehaves, don't quit until she does right by you. The silent treatment has never failed to work it's magic on me.

Hey am not married, but this is my candid opinion as a single mature lady.

I don hear ooh! I would like to stop using my MTN line completely (will no longer make or receive calls on the line).

But how do I get myself unregistered from the network I had to register the line before using it.

Don't think unregistering from the network is possible, but if anyone has useful info on how to do this, I would like to hear it.

carnal:
for fling yes,for datin No.a friend almost lost his job datin a co-worker sincerely why his line manager was allready strokin d babe Bottom and he was not aware but the babe wanted to settle down which wat my guy wanted too,she neva told my guy and she started to double run d show unfortunately for her d manager and d guy de play golf together na so dem jam for golf course and na dia d bobo wahala start and dis babe neva mentioned it even wen d guy keeps tellin her about probs wit d manager she kept quite until a senior supervisor in my own unit who overheard d manager tellin anoda chap hw he intends to deal wit dis my friend opened up to us,omo com see race na wit 6 legs ooooo

LOL   So sorry I couldn't help laughing. Has your friend quit the job? What was that chic thinking in the first place by dating 2 men at the same time within the same organization? Kai some chics sef na wao.

This is just one of the many reasons I won't subscribe to facebook. Naturally I'm a private and reserved person. I also don't like people getting all up in my business so facebook, twitter and other social networks do not hold much of an appeal to me.

Was on facebook for a very short time though because of all the hype about it when it first came out, but I unsubscribed before you could say Jack, it's not just my cup of tea.

Sad story though, am guessing this happened in the US (Soddom & Gommorah), In my opinion there are too many sick & sadistic people living in that nation.

2mch:
People should have children they can take care of. It is not the responsibility of you and your spouse to take care of other people's children. Having relatives living with you brings over familiarity, and then comes discontent. It is better to hire a help than 2 relatives of your spouse. I am also sure you people will be saving for the new baby, how will you be able to save adequately while taking care of the needs of your relatives? And you both still have to give your parents some money. . For a young couple, you are taking on too much.

I agree ooh.

obowunmi:
DO NOT AND I REPEAT DO NOT invite any family members into your home. If your husband can't take a stand, then you are in big trouble.

LOL, Obowunmi have you been burnt before by extended family?

sophy09:
I used to love him but not anymore. You know the saying, a thin line between love and hate.

Girl, I really don't get you. I've heard there is a thin line between love and hate but this strong feelings for your ex, are they affectionate feelings or feelings of hatred, which one is it?

I'm not a psychologist or therapist and I'm not trying to give advise on that platform, however one thing I try not to do, is to deny my emotions. Whether it's anger, disappointment, love, hatred, hurt etc etc, I own my emotions and let myself feel them.

So if you are feeling something for that ex and it's not hatred, don't sweat it. Have fun with your feelings like I do by sending a short, flirty or simple sms with no pun intended.

sophy09:
This is a guy I dont love or even like anymore. I mean I used to love him but with the way things are right now and what he did to me I dont think I should be having feelings for him. That is what I cannot understand. I mean I rarely think of him but there are times these feelings just come up and I try my best to put it out of my mind but it comes stronger and stronger.

Sophy, Sophy

Are u sure about the part in bold . Just wondering,

@ Sophy09

Yeah, It does happen to me sometimes, and what it means (speaking for myself) is that I am still fond of that ex regardless of the fact that we are no longer together.

What do I do when I get the feeling? Different things, sometimes I let it ride itself out, other times I deliberately distract myself with some activity and other times I just send him a one or two worded sms like Hi or Wats up, which he always responds to .

If you feel so strongly about your ex and he isn't married yet or he is not in a committed realtionship heading for the altar, why don't you give it a shot and see if you two can get back together and make it work the second time around. You sound like that's what you want.

:-x

texazzpete:
I haven't killed anyone yet. Have you?

LOL. U no well ooh. I am certain you understood the gist of my post but decided to be mischevious, Granted you & I haven't killed anyone yet but am not in a position to cast stones @ her. That could be me in her shoes tomorrow (I don't pray for it though).

Never say never, is a popular slogan that has proved to be true in my life. Therefore I won't be quick to say I will never drive under the influence, I will never kill another and so on

@ Poster

Are you serious? I am single and I'm enjoying every moment of it. IMO being single isn't difficult or harder than being married I think the reverse is the case i.e being married is tougher than being single.

While you are single why don't you try and get a life am not saying you don't have one but do things that are fun and interesting, things that will build you up, and so on.

@ poster

In my opinion what you need to do is to stop giving him money. If there are bills to be paid don't put yourself out by being the one to pay for them. My advice to you is based on the personal experience of 6 women I know. I mean 6 as in s.i.x and I am learning a few things from them

These six women have been paying the bills in their homes and also lending money to their husbands who by the way have jobs. They pay school fees, nepa bill, dstv, buy food etc and there is nothing wrong with their husbands. For some reason these men have decided to sit back and let their wives handle things I guess because they have seen that the women are capable OR the women have shown them that they are capable and so they relax and do nothing.

This is not a nollywood story ooh. 4 of the women have wised up (is that correct english? never mind just follow the story) and now when their husbands claim they have no money to pay the bills they equally sit back, fold their arms and watch. It hurts them to see their children suffer and they die a little on the inside, but their tactics are working because their husbands are begining to shape up and handle their responsibilities in the home.

The other 2 are just begining to learn that if they keep handling every situation their men will never grow some balls to do it. Their stories make me wonder what is happening to our men these days, where has their sense of responsibility gone to? Do we no longer have decent men who have a back for hardwork to provide for their families?

I have only given you the revised version of each woman's story, there's more but I believe a word is enough for the wise.

OUCH!!!! I am wincing from all the harsh, really harsh criticism of this woman or should I say judgement and not criticism?

We all have done things of which we are ashamed, and we live in the tension of what we have been and what we would like to become. I believe God can help each of us become better people.

I have messed up in my life and may still do so but I know I would desperately love to be forgiven when I do, and not be harshly criticized, unfairly judged and condemned by others as good for nothing.

ronkebp:
^^^^^ Madoba, what you have said is true to an extent, and i support the fact that the woman has to change, but that change will candidly take awhile, their marriage is just 5months and the guy is already complaining, he seriously needs to grow up too and be 'a man' not everything has to be complained about, all those things he said are trivial to me.

@ ronkebp I hear you.

But haba, at 26 years of age doesn't she understand the little things that can make or break a marriage. The poster is probably complaining because he had high hopes and reasonable expectations for his marriage.

I do not agree with him on the issue of divorce because I feel the matter is a trivial one like you said but I can totally relate to how he feels because in the past I wasted precious time making the people around me miserable through my moody, unpleasant and difficult behaviour which is not so different from the poster's wife.

That time could have been spent enjoying the presence and companionship of others, making the most of life through meaningful moments with others but hey what did I do?

We can learn from other peoples experiences, which is why I've said a lot on this topic/thread.

The fear of Ex's is the begining of wisdom.

On a serious note I think the OP has good cause to be concerned, I am not sure what to make of the ultimatum issued to the husband though. Some people tend to share a bond with their ex's that doesn't allow them to make a clean and final break with each other.

I think that 80% of the time things never really or truly end between ex's who stay in touch, communicate often and probably share a bond. This has been the case with a good friend of mine so poster beware of that ex.

@ sexkillz

FYI I am female and the attitude (moodiness,childishness etc) the OP has complained of is the sort of attitude I exhibited in my late teens (17 - early 20s) when I began dating.

As a woman I've come to understand the importance of making your home a warm and cozy place where your family can look forward to going to, not a place they would dread going to or just be plain weary of, either because

1. I am often moody, provoking others or
2. My home is just too messy and untidy.

I still maintain that she needs to adjust by fixing her current attitude because I learnt the hard way what being moody can do to good realtionships.

I don't think the poster is selfish either he just wants to retire home to a warm and pleasant environment, have a good time with his woman (not necessarily through lovemaking). Is that too much to ask for especially when a marriage is only 5 months old

@ sexkillz

I am not sure you fully comprehended my first post or you may have entirely misunderstood it. You seem to be going at the OP for reasons best known to you but have you given any thought to his wife's behaviour?

Now to answer your questions

1.Who needs to adjust?   His wife needs to adjust because as a formerly certified moody person (am talking about me) I know what damage that can cause to relationships of any kind whether with family, friends, spouses etc After a while people just don't want to be around you because you have nothing to offer in way of companionship except a long face, a difficult attitude and an unwillingness to communicate on a sincere level. Now that's what being moody is all about and it is one of the things OP has complained of.

2. What has he done to help her? According to him he has introduced her to their neighbour so she can ease her loneliness while his at work but please permit to say that problems relating to personality, attitudes, character can only be fixed by the individual with the problem. OP's wife cries often, is moody, provokes him (in ways he didn't mention) etc etc What I hear is a woman being unnecessarily difficult without good reason I mean common this marriage is 5 months old what reasons could she possibly have to put up the attitudes complained of?

3. The poster is not happy only when he is making love to his wife pls read that the post again. He said it provides temporary relief, but his experience so far is a painful one. Further more he said after wifey spoils his day she thinks sex can bring happiness and probably make up for her attitude. Screwing has never solved issues dialogue and communication has in my world.

4. On mixing office stress and marriage stress, I hear you but his wife attitude is not the sort of stress he should have to deal with at home when this union is only 5 months old. Matters on the home front that ought to be stressing him should be gas bills, nepa bills, feeding, visiting in-laws who need to be taken care etc since there is only one source of income.

@ poster can't the issues between you and wifey be worked out?

Hey, I am not one of those stay in a relationship at all cost kind of person but I just believe divorce should be a last resort when all esle fails. The divorce rate is gradually climbing up these days your case is the fourth one I've heard in recent times.

Did I hear you right? Your friend's marriage is only 8 months old. Awwww no! this is just one of the many reasons I said on another thread that I am not motivated to get married at the moment.

How close are you and this friend? If it were me and this friend was really close and we go way back before she met her husband I would tell her but ask her to still verify my story and investigate it properly before bringing it up with her husband.

I won't also hesitate to repeat what I know or have heard in front of her husband with her present if it comes to that. She will be hurt one way or the other whether it comes from you or not.

I[b] truly [/b] and [b]honestl[/b]y don't feel  motivated to get married at the moment.

The true life stories I've heard of peoples marriages (not so good stories) just dampens my enthusiasm for the institution and makes my whole spirit weary.

The sad stories outnumber the good ones, If only I could hear more good stories then may be I won't feel so forlorn about marriage. God help me.

All of you talking love here , love her as your own, try and win her over with love, blah blah blah I hope you do realize we are not God. Only God is capable of loving us no matter what we do.

Do not misunderstand me, as human beings our natural tendency is to care more for those who relate to us well, to those who do not give us attitude and disrespect us without good cause. Our tendency is also to ditch those who have little or no regard for us, it takes the anointing of the Holy Spirit and the grace of God to be able to care for someone with a bad attitude who also displays that attitude towards you.

A child of 11 years old is displaying the sort of attitude mentioned above without good reason, if you live under a person's roof whether for a day or two it is only proper that you assist them in anyway you can around the house.

How can the poster begin to love a difficult relative who is giving attitude at a tender age of 11? You all say love as if it comes easy tolerance and not love is the word I would apply here. But I still maintain this girl shouldd be sent back to her immediate family while the couple pays for her education. She doesn't have to live with them

@ poster Can this girl live with her parents while you and your husband foot the bill for her education? If yes then I think it's the best way to operate.

I grew up in an evironment where my parents were constantly training and housing one relative or the other, cousins, dad's nephew, niece etc etc just name it. I can tell you that it wasn't a pleasant experience. Each relative came with his or her own personal baggage.

The issues were plenty, from laziness to talking badly of my mum and insulting her behind her back, acting like they had a right to our home not to mention the shortages my siblings and I had to suffer because of these extra mouths to feed, cloth and educate. I believe we would have had a better quality of life without all these people my father had to train. And you know the worst thing is that these same people are hardly ever grateful for the help they get.

I am not against helping people (family and friends) financially and otherwise but I am against having people live with you for long periods of time while you also cater to their needs if it is not absolutely necessary . From my personal experience the disadvantages far outweighs the advantages.

Personally having external relatives live with me and my family is not something I would want not because I am antisocial but because I have seen first hand the sort of havoc these people can wreck in a home.

DapoBear:
When you became married, did you turn into a goat or statue? Quite a big difference to be attracted to another man and actually acting upon it. I don't see why we are expecting people to lose their humanity once they get married.

kokoye:
It is perfectly normal.


It is what you do with the thought that matters. . . kill it or let it nurture.

Mmmwwwaaahhh  that is a kiss from me to both of you (Dapobear & Kokoye). You nailed the issue.

@ Poster it is human to be attracted to the opposite sex and being married doesn't make you less human. What we do with our attractions or about our attractions is what ultimatley matters not having an attraction for someone.