Phate07's Posts
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 Nairaland General › Re: Where Is Inkerd Nerd? by Phate07(m): 10:12pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
She's on a vacation, too much nairalanding made her ill.  |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(op): 10:08pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. “Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. “Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.“ “This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me. ” “So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!" |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Sooooooo Many Funny Pictures by Phate07(m): 9:56pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
Let me shine my teeth small.   |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(op): 9:48pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
A middle management executive has to take on some sport by his doctor ’s orders, so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he ’s doing. “It’s going fine,” the manager says. “When I’m on the court and I see the ball speeding toward me, my brain immediately says, ‘ To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!’” “Really? What happens then?” the secretary asks. “Then my body says, ‘Who? Me? You must be kidding!’” |
| Forum Games › Re: The Lol Craze- Say Any Crazy Or silly Thing, But Make Sure You Put Lol. by Phate07(op): 9:34pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
I guess there's no more ozone lol. |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(op): 5:24pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
A man was diagnosed with cancer. One day d son asked him' dad y do u kip tellin people you have AIDS?' The dad answered "because wen am dead i don't want people to Bleep your mum." |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(op): 5:05pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
A man spent hours looking at his wedding certificate.the wife noticed it from the kitchen and asked him "sweetheart what are you looking for in our wedding certificate?" The man answered "Horney I can't find the expiry date" |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(op): 4:57pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
ARareGem: Thanks! |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(op): 4:54pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
[quote author=Efemena_xy link=topic=562154.msg7271300#msg7271300 date=1291476619]^^ give us breathing space to read, digest and comment on your jokes man what's the rush??  Too many at once![/quote] Ahh, sorry my sis.  But this is a jokes factory, so we are continuosly spitting out jokes. |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(op): 4:44pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
On a hot summer day, a country bumpkin came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer. About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The bumpkin said that it was his. The policemansaid, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The bumpkin replies, "No way dog's in heat, she's cool kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree." The policeman says, 'No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred.' "No way,' the bumpkin says, 'dog don't need bread, she ain' hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'." Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; 'NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!' The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog. |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(op): 4:23pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
A naked woman boards an ibo man's taxi in lagos. Ibo man starring at her says nothing but does not start the car. Woman:What? U've neva seen a naked woman before? Driver: I no dey look u madam, I just dey wonder where u keep the money wey u wan take pay me. |
| Nairaland General › Re: Efemena_XY Emerges Jokes Section Best Poster Of The Year 2010 by Phate07(m): 4:07pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
I nominate Idowuogbo, my one and only P.A. Cheers! |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(op): 3:10pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall." |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(op): 2:47pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again, goes up to the bartender and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk comes in a says, "Drinks all around, except for you bartender!" "What, no drink for me?" asks the bartender. "No way, you get violent when you drink. |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(op): 1:21pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
A man bought marriage software and he experienced problems in using the software and decided to write to the Marriage Software Division: Dear Systems Analyst, I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to, Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processes and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities. Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected "Saturday Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. Be it on-line or off-line. I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend 7.0 ", but uninstall doesn't work on this program. Can you please help? |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(op): 1:06pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
An American, a Nigerian and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Nigerian and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Nigerian was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay." |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(op): 12:58pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
What is Tension? A beautiful girl asks lift from you. On the way she faints and you take her to hospital. Doctor says ‘Congrats. You are going to become a father.’ THAT’S IT. YOU GET TENSED. You say – ‘But that baby is not mine.’ Girl says – ‘he is only the father of my baby.’ YOU HAVE MORE TENSION. Police comes and DNA test is done. Report comes. Which says that you can never become a father. EVEN MORE TENSION FOR YOU. Anyhow you thank God and return home. Then you think, “At home I have 2 kids. Whose are those ?” THAT IS REAL TENSION. |
| Nairaland General › Re: Odunnu & Mrbrownjay Are Romance Section Posters Of The Year - 2010 by Phate07(m): 12:53pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
MrBrownJay! |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(op): 11:41am On Dec 04, 2010 |
Letter to Dad by An Arab Sheikh student: Dear Dad, Berlin is a wonderful city, Germans are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when all them my professors travel by train. Your Son Nasser --------------------------------- Response by the Arab Sheikh Dad: Loving son, I just transferred Twenty Five Million Dollars to your Bank account, please stop embarrassing our family, go and get yourself a train too. Your Dad. |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(op): 11:31am On Dec 04, 2010 |
One day a fisherman got up very early in the morning. There was not enough sunlight to get into the sea. He saw a pack of stones to pass time. He started throwing the stone into the sea. While having the last stone in the hand, the sun came up then he saw that the stone was a diamond and all the stones he threw were diamonds as well. He felt for his misfortune of throwing all of them into the sea, Moral of the story: DO NOT WAKE UP EARLY IN THE MORNING! |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(op): 11:12am On Dec 04, 2010 |
A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood but true to his wife goes at home. When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them into her mouth. Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth?" He says, "Two aspirin". She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!! He says, "That's what I wanted to hear." |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(op): 11:03am On Dec 04, 2010 |
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND, " Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy, " At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army." |
| Jokes Etc › Jokes Factory by Phate07(op): 10:55am On Dec 04, 2010 |
Welcome to The Joke Factory! Here we remix and mix jokes, and also make and unmake jokes. Laugh out loud and enjoy! |
| Romance › Re: Corniest Pickup Lines You Ever Heard (some U Used Or Used On Too) by Phate07(m): 6:57am On Dec 04, 2010 |
Great lines. |
| Forum Games › Re: tpbm (the person below me) by Phate07(m): 6:46am On Dec 04, 2010 |
Yeah, kinda. Tpbm is a love peddler. |
| Forum Games › Re: The Lol Craze- Say Any Crazy Or silly Thing, But Make Sure You Put Lol. by Phate07(op): 6:41am On Dec 04, 2010 |
Xmas is around the corner, lol. |
| Romance › Re: Is It Wrong To Which An Ex Happy Xmas? by Phate07(m): 10:24pm On Dec 03, 2010 |
Nothing is wrong with WISHING an EX a happy xmas. |
| Romance › Re: Settle Your Nairaland Romantic Disputes Here by Phate07(m): 10:23pm On Dec 03, 2010 |
Great. |
| Romance › Re: Younger GIRLS Fancying Older Men: Is Anyone To Blame? by Phate07(m): 11:05pm On Dec 02, 2010 |
Bro, how many wifes you gat?  |
| Romance › Re: Younger GIRLS Fancying Older Men: Is Anyone To Blame? by Phate07(m): 10:56pm On Dec 02, 2010 |
What of young boys marrying older women? Cos i got me my eye on Mrs.Eve. |
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