₦airaland Forum

My dear workaholic! Interesting to know you even play wit numbers at work. ^Accounts?Dont envy you!
So. . . .'Novo' was a neologism! Hmmmmn! You know you can state whatever you want it to mean.

Next Up. . . . . . .419!

You bring it on babe!

Dont you love life??

I learnt never to underestimate any innocent looking lady. . . .never ever.

Even If we live together, We are still on our own na. . . . .

Pepper

How now??

Thanks for the promotion to a 'Dr' ^{Wondering what she's been up to}
Anyways na you first mention 'novo' prize ^{please educate me}
I think i deserve it anyways because i at least got the 'Dr' title.
You welcome back from the 7 days of rest. Lets see how long you can hold,

Next up 407??

Ten cause i totally agree wit ya

Why do you men get stuck in moments?? Twas a one night stand bro. Wake up,

Jus found out that some Nairalanders can be a tad too nice. . . .

Ten cos you are coool

Money

nice one

Jus got these fom a friend,

A.
A Nigerian view of London


I did not come to England to take pictures of Big Ben or tour London Bridge. I just wanted to get paid and get even with those colonials. With a name like Ogundele Kayode Omobrukutu, I could not even buy a bus pass let alone open a bank account.

This is my story, , It took me 6 months to study the system, I still could not figure out my squares and circus's. I could not travel from Leicester Circus to Oxford Square without getting lost.

I was a YMCA(Young Money Chasing African) when I joined the FRAUD (Fine Rich Africans United in Deals). It took me 3 months to attain my ACCA (Advanced Certificate for Criminal Africans) and I needed an MBA (Major Bank Account) to do my first HND (Heavy Nigerian Deal). I arranged to meet this guy at Animal and Something, I mean Elephant and Castle. We were suppose to meet at 10.00am. I got there at 11.30am and he turned up at 1.30pm. He pulled up in a Mercedes 500SL with a private number plate - 419 ADE.

He was a definite Nigerian, he had it all - leather jacket in summer, air condition on full blast with his roof and windows down whilst smoking cigar and choking on his smoke just to impress me. Being a fellow Nigerian I was more than impressed. He introduced himself as Adepujo Kunle Babatunde and asked me to call him Ade or Babs. He spoke with a strong Nigerian accent but he messed the whole language up by slanging - he sounded like a Canadian born Chinese living in Germany and studying French.

I had not been in the country for long but I could tell that Omo (my man) was trying hard to be British. After hanging with Ade for about 2 months I became an OBE (Opportunist Bank Employee) and specialised in BBC (Breaking Bank Codes). Money was flowing and I wanted more so I did my PhD (Passport Handling Degree) and became an FBI (Fraudster Bringing Immigrants).

My status changed drastically, , I had a BMW 328i's convertible and a Porsche 911 with a private plate - 911 OMO and living in a council flat and signing on. I went to Moonlighting every Friday and drank champagne and danced to music supplied by DJ Pace and Skills. I became foolish - I remember one night I spent over 1000 pounds on just champagne at the club and had no money for petrol so I walked home.
My downfall,  Greed and selfishness inevitably led to my downfall - I got involved with a CIA (Cash Investing Agent) and we did a couple of GMTs (Good Money Transfers) but he later turned out to be a CID (Cop in Disguise). I was under surveillance and I did not even know. I left the NHS (Nigerian Housing Scheme) early that morning with about 12 different cheque books to go and do my business. They followed me unto the high road and it was then it hit me that something was wrong. I could not leave all that evidence in my car so I started chewing my cheque books.

I ate 8 before they pulled me over.
They read me my rights and all that crap and all I could say was - OGA, waterplease!


B.
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my Grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
How to Make a Woman Happy


C.
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to
be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

How now? I no dey do bone 2 bone

Speak for yourself bro!

Mustay!

Check this out! Written by mimiko.


Re: What A Wife
« #14 on: August 13, 2007, 12:57 PM » 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  READ THE CONVERSATION: Hello? Hi, this is Raheema calling from Hollywood Hereafter Resources. I just wanted to let you know
that your phone number was randomly selected in a drawing and we have reserved a free burial space for you at the New Island
Cemetery in Bridge- WHAT?! If you would just give me your name and address. I want to send you a letter to confirm the free
burial space we have reserved for you - You reserved what for me, A grave? A free burial space. What's the difference? Well, the
word "grave" can be scary sir. You can disregard the letter if you don't want it. This is just a courtesy call to -  How interesting.
So, as a Telemarketer, you pick up the phone and cold call people to pitch them with offers? Well, yes sir. We always make sure
it is something of potential interest to them - Of course. Who wouldn't be interested in dying? I am definitely interested in a
grave. I am. That is a very important decision to make before you die, right? I agree with you sir. You're so open-minded about
this. A lot of people don't understand why it is so important to hand-pick your final resting place before you pass on. It ensures
you get the kind of burial you want for yourself. I see say na you them send come. I'm sorry? Send, come? Oh, they don't use the
witchdoctor in the village anymore, right? They have gone nuclear and now are using Americans. Na you them send come! I'm
sorry sir, but I don't know what you're talking about. I get fillage too o! I be proper bush boy and my mama still dey kampe for
waterside. Na one phone call e go take and she go run go fillage go get me Gold Circle condom protection, you hear. Una no dey
here say e better for somebody? Why na so-so make una dey spoil person own una dey like? I don't understand what you're
saying - You go understand by force. Na airmail I go take send winch to you, you hear. Una think say una know winch just
because una dey do halloween. You think winch na that abracadabra una dey do for America? You think na to chant poetry and
cook soup with lizard yansh and frog tongue be winch? I go show you where we dey use snake leg do ogbonge juju. Black
winch, red winch, multi-color winch,  For my fillage, na your eyes I go take flavor the juju. You go know betta winch when my own
army land. I do apologize to you if my phone call has offended you in any way -  You have not offended me. I am not offended.
Do I sound offended? Why would I be offended because you - kind-hearted telemarketer that you are - reserved a grave for me?
Do you know how old I am? 32. In my country, people don't die at 32. When they die so young, it is a major tragedy! My mother
and father are still alive. You want me to die before them? I didn't mean anything - You people never mean anything when you
make these stupid phone calls. How dare you wish me death -  No, that's not what - I DON'T CARE! Do you know how many
years I worked on getting a visa to come to America? 10 years. 10! Do you know how many laws I broke in so many countries
before I found my way here? I have been here only 2 years. All the people who gave me loans to buy ticket and visa have not
been paid. My mother and father are still waiting for me to perform the magic of Dollars for them in Nigeria. This telephone was
just connected 2 months ago because I am just now able to afford a telephone because I cannot make good money due to my
illegal alien status. And now, you want me to die before I can even begin to enjoy a little, Ah, your own don spoil o. I swear, e no
go betta for you. E no, what? Na hand ya mama and papa go take bury you. And na there eyes them go take cry for you for that
yeye grave wey you don reserve for yaself. Are you cussing me sir? Cuss you? Why should I? Why would I want to cuss
someone who is offering me a grave? I am only reacting in my local English. That is how we behave when we are overwhelmed
with joy in my country. I just had a distinct feeling that you were not saying nice things about me. See this wowo wey craw-craw
don chop him yansh finish,  Look, just as an aside, are all the members of your family reserved space in your graveyard? Some of
them do have - No, don't stop there. You should get everybody a plot. I go help you use juju finish all of them make una dey go
do whassup my dog for Hollywood, abi na where you dey call from. I have to hang up now sir. Before you hang up, would you by
any chance know anything about a scam where telemarketers call people on the phone to assure them they have a free burial
space, then try to get them to buy expensive mausoleums and crypts? What is it called? Bait and switch, right? I don't know
what you're talking about. You get pickin? Get picking? Picking what? You get pickin? You don born bomboy? Mai you dash your
pickin the grave now. Dash picking, You' re dissing me? Diss? Dis one pass diss, agaracha. Dis one na K.I.S.S., kiss - serious kiss
of death. I have to hang up now sir. No, please wait. Let me reserve the whole cemetery for your unborn children. I will also
reserve a full page in the Daily Times obituary section -  That's mean! You can't talk to me like that just because I'm a
telemarketer. We are people too. Yes, bad people, People who call me at all kinds of hours to trick me into buying what I don't
need. I'm going to report you to the INS! You will be deported! My juju go don finish you before you reach the place! Winch pass
winch! You no go die betta, I tell you. I go make sure say them give you craze first, make you waka enter K-Mart abi wetin una
dey call market for this side - before them finish you! She reserve grave, Why you no take knife come kill me yaself? E no go
betta for - Hello? You hang up? Why you no wait make I finish? Why you no wait? Oloshi! Na dead dog wey get rabies go chop
the mouth you take talk to me.

Boy! Am i honoured! You're welcome!

zigbo:
ve u dragged nd flown before?

You dont wanna get me started!

3 . . . .for scoring him sooo high!

Sorry bro! Aint getting nofin from here!

Wish you get struck by cupids arrow. . . . .straight in the heart!

Hell No! I totally agree wit him!

Hmmmmmmn

I learnt a lil bit more about respecting women

Yes. . . . .socially though!

Did you know that smoking has its positive sides??

Socially

DO you smoke??

I have learnt that everyone deserves a second chance!

24 has lost its flavor!

We know the terrorists wud come and we know that jack would save the day in spite of the fact that he gets shot, several times in 24 hours!

Prison break rules! For now at least!

Anyone seen 'HOUSE'?

Infourmer:
what does it look like,a comment?

Pastor but it's not a Yes or No Question is it??  

Is tht a question??