₦airaland Forum

ambivert27:
Wow! So the OP gave the above advice on "submissiveness? Really? I think she has been brainwashed into thinking marriage is to be "endured" and not to be "enjoyed".

Well it's not too late to leave that "hell-hole" she called marriage.

And pls be watchful of @stevenbright. I won't be surprised if he's the said idiot you called husband. Take to his advice at your own peril.

potland:
Don't get me wrong. But Sometimes marriage is not always a bed of roses. Hence the need to endure to enjoy.

Lizzyangel:
Mature advice needed by experienced married Nairalanders.

For the past 8yrs, I've experienced the sour, sad, bitter,sweet , love and hate in marriage at a tender age of mine.

My question is, is it better to continue Living in a marriage as a single mom(shouldering responsibilities), abuses emotionally and physically, depressed and threat of life?

Or

Live as separated single mom?


All this while,the fear of the unknown TOMORROW kept me staying and taking all the bullshits I can't type here,but I've always cherished having a peaceful home conducive enough for my kids to live in,but happenings lately are making me scared of moving forward.its telling on my health and Life.

Please matured advice, corrections and guidance are needed here.

Lizzyangel:
I've done that thrice but we kept going back in circles.

I'd have loved to share my full story,but no matter how I brief it, he'd know.

Everyone except me saw and warned against this red flags which I thought would change as time goes by but got the clearer picture as we're growing, things became 3d-clearer when I was forced to sleep in an uncompleted building with my 10month old baby whom I delivered through CS with the help of Nlanders, since that April, I began to connect the dots from 2012, I'm not perfect,I blamed myself for this misfortune,but I tried my possible best to avoid this at the beginning, but I was naive, and young. I'm 27yrs old now, but living a life twice my age... I've lost everything so far, can't confide in anyone to let this all out, but this is Nland, I can have the audience of trained, experienced and matured minds all on a spot, I just don't know the way forward.

Lizzyangel:
I'm pleased to have you read along ma'am..
What do you suggest I do? I'm confused.

Lizzyangel:
I've always been a supportive wife from the onset, one thing I understand is, he barely takes to my advice and insights hence he'd have made it better in life.

He also had the habit of speaking ill of me before his friends and parents when I'm not dancing to his tune...his ill words do Pierce my heart, imagine hurling the big insult on the first day of a new month and before my lil boy.

Had I known, I wouldn't have come this far, no iota of regards for me ,he was even stylishly throwing jabs at my sis and parents. Why? Because I sold myself cheaply to him? Or because I stood by him? I find it difficult to let go of the pain of that night in an uncompleted building with the baby I almost died having, my heart had been broken beyond repair.

CsRockefeller:
Quote me anywhere, you are stupid, very stupid.

Ishilove:
Did you?

pocohantas:
I’ll give you the same advice you always give women here, BE SUBMISSIVE and you will enjoy your man and marriage.

Or give you a feminist advice- LEAVE THAT UNION or whatever arrangement it is you guys have going on.





Your family would never forsake you. This is why I always advise women never to go into marriages/unions that their parents do not support. It is always the woman that gets hit most, so hold your family CLOSE. Go back to your family, your dad would come around.



Dearest Nigerian men,

No matter your anger, do not deny your partner food and SHELTER. The Nlder that is already locking his wife out at night should read this and read it well. No woman truly forgives that act.

AmazonTopaz:
Lol,@Op remember me on the other thread.

When I was telling you that women shouldn't take BS from men you stood with husband of the OP and said even in the face of nonsense the OP should keep being submissive to her hubby.

Let me pass the same advice that you gave her BE SUBMISSIVE don't worry keep fasting and praying all wil be fine

I don't like mocking people so on a serious note I will advice you and your hubby seek therapy or counseling from trained professionals also are you financially stable do you have the support of your family if you can leave the union leave if you cannot bring in third party be firm, confident have a good self esteem and arrest the situation at home let your hubby know that you have had enough don't take BS from anybody in the name of submission.

Build yourself,invest in yourself be a hustler and know what you want and stand your ground.One of the reasons I advice against early marriage is because of immaturity and lack of preparation for marriage what did you have or what were you doing before marriage it is very important for one to have their footing in life before marriage.
To sum it all up take charge of your immediate environment help yourself get a good family support or something so as for you to be self sufficient stop taking BS from your hubby

Do not take any form of emotional and physical abuse leave that toxic environment

memories1:
For some reason, the story of the original poster sounds familiar, like this same person has been here before with different monikers and same story of abuse.

But how will you be the breadwinner and also be at the receiving end of abuse? Don't you love yourself and your children? Haven't you disappointed yourself and your family(parents) enough?

I've never had any monicker aside this and this is my first time of pouring out my heart in this issue...I feel relieved by every comment here,


God bless Nigeria!
God bless Nairalanders!!
God bless Seun Osewa!!!

Hmmm...

ambivert27:
Wow! So the OP gave the above advice on "submissiveness? Really? I think she has been brainwashed into thinking marriage is to be "endured" and not to be "enjoyed".

Well it's not too late to leave that "hell-hole" she called marriage.

And pls be watchful of @stevenbright. I won't be surprised if he's the said idiot you called husband. Take to his advice at your own peril.

cococandy:
@stevenbright. This is your advice for someone who’s going through this?

Why are we like this?

CsRockefeller:
Quote me anywhere, you are stupid, very stupid.

Hammyaladin:
Is your hubby a Nairalander?

Ishilove:
Did you?

potland:
You are the stupid one here. When i say endure, i meant being ready to put up with your spouse's flaws in marriage. I never said one should stay put in an abusive marriage in the name of endurance. The door is always open.

Lizzyangel:
We met online while I was a teenager and started dating, I got pregnant and tried many times to abort it but all my efforts became futile, I moved in with him to his parents house,a boy's quarter after my parents met his, he was the only over pampered son of his parents and in the early years,I passed through hell living there, he's proud, arrogant, cheat and lazy, but I kept the flags, thinking he'd change, I became pregnant for the second child after 4yrs, working and nursing and shouldering responsibilities all alone and then he went into some dirty things that led to his arrest thrice which I'm the only one running around,I begged to raise money for his bail at the state police hqtrs, I'll go to work, conducted extra lessons at home,he'll just sit idly around pressing his phone,I tried many attempts to talk him into getting something doing as sitting ain't helping matters,I even spoke to his parents to let's do something about him, but he just wouldn't listen, his first arrest was due to the Ponzi scheme he created, which he spent the money lavishly on girls, hotel and his grandad's burial ceremony leaving my bride price unpaid, when he got arrested,his parents told me we spent the money together which made me went extra mile to ensure he was released, people around called me and told me to leave cos I'm too innocent for someone of his kind, to me, all marriages are not bed of roses, this is my cross which I carried wholeheartedly, the second arrest was when he was arrested for philandering and accused of fraud by his boss. I still go to the police station to bail him, while the third and last one was when he bought a stolen phone which I warned him to return but refused,it's was his 3rd arrest that made the policemen summoned us that, they've had it to the brim with him, he shouldn't be caught up again by any means because he's bringing shame to me as a public figure, I teach in a big school where some of the top policemen had their kids, they made him to sign up that he won't be brought to station again and I won't be running around for him...later the man told me to"use my head" he was then persuaded to go learn a trade which he started in 2020, the second baby died due to health complications and I had my baby girl Kiishi in 2021,I wrote the story here.

What I noticed was, anytime things are not working in his favor,he becomes violent,and abuse me physically and verbally, in April I received a call from an old friend,he said I was cheating with the caller which made me hang up quickly cos he was around,I tried explaining,but he hit me severally and told me to go meet the guy that night around 9pm, anytime he hit me, he'd pick his phone and put a call to my mum and Sis and give them Sweet lies on things I'm not guilty of,when they call me,I'll just be crying, that same night he locked the door and told me to go meet my caller, I thought it was all joke, I started begging for me to just drop Kiishi inside, he refused and turned off his phone, I wept bitterly,I called my sister and Mom then took my time to narrate all I've gone through in his hands since 2013-2021, they both wept for me and tried calling him to allow me in,his phone was off, around 11:30pm, I started knocking on neighbors gates to enable lay my baby, nobody opened up, I walked some minutes to my colleagues houses nobody opened up, that night,I started connecting the dots from 2012, how I've been used all along, how I've been a fool, I'm working hard but can't even attend to my personal needs,I placed my family first thinking all will be well, finally around 12:30pm, I saw an uncompleted building where I too solace with my baby, I couldn't sleep all through the night, *had I known,I wouldn't have come this far, kept lingering in my head" .while I watched my lil girl sleep in an inconvenient manner with mosquito, I was at alert all through the night and it was a Thursday night.

That night, I decided to stop everything I've been doing for his sake to focus on myself and kid, the next day I went back home, he asked about where I slept,I told him in the church, he said I was lying that he came out around 2am he couldn't see me within the vicinity,so I should go back to wherever I slept he doesn't want to see me, else I'll regret it, that led to my first time of calling an outsider to beg in my behalf,I called my pastor's wife and narrated the last night's issue, she apologized and called him to fish out some piece of an advice.i rushed in, cleaned my kids up and dashed out to work, on getting to school, my boss was at the gate, she insisted I tell her what went wrong that made me come to school around 9am moreso,my eyes were red,I told her it was personal and apologize for being late.she allowed me into my class.


After the day's work,I received a phone call from him telling me to leave before dusk if I value my life, I was agape, what again? He said my big Sis had been hurling insult on her for making me sleep outside with a lil baby,so I should Park and move in with her in another state with her husband, he called severally, threatening me he mustn't meet me at home,on the spot, I started shivering, I have no relative here, no friends, who will I go to?

I said some prayers then, someone came to mind, a Lawyer and he is the head of all cocoa produce buyers in our LGA. I called to Meet with him ASAP, so I narrated the last night's ordeal to him and his threats, he summoned him immediately and heard his side of the story, he settled the conflicts that night and cautioned him.

potland:
That means he's on nairaland. Wonderful

CHoccolaTE:
Wickedness flows unrestricted in the hearts of many Nigerian men. This man actually had the mind to lock his wife and child outside past 12 in the night, a child of less than 1 year for that matter, what a pitiful situation.

This is how many men live their lives, like op husband and when they get old and frail they start wondering why their children hate them and why their wife has left them in village to live with her children in another state.

Lizzyangel:
My bride price hasn't been paid.

CHoccolaTE:
I am sure he is the same person as stevenwhatever that has been giving stupid advice all over this thread.

Lizzyangel:
Thanks for your response, he had been telling me to leave, he even threatened me, to take my life if I insist on staying,atimes , he'd seize the key, lock me out, abuse me and others but I'll still beg him for my kid's sake and he's using this medium to blackmail me.

Lizzyangel:
My bride price hasn't been paid.

Mindlog:
Do you want him to pay your bride price?

Mindlog:
Do you want him to pay your bride price?

Mindlog:
You are forcing yourself on a partner who has already signed out of the relationship, someone that didn't even deem it necessary to pay your bride price, you are not his wife as you are just co-habiting with him but you are here using your children as an excuse to avoid facing your reality.

The earlier you restart your life away from him, the better for you and your children.

Ishilove:
Now we are getting somewhere. I just instinctively knew that there was more to his attitude than meets the eyes. When we ask ourselves merciless questions, the answers will pain us but liberate us.

You are not married yet, dear. He is essentially your baby daddy, which is why he keeps trying to force you out of his house without fear of the attendant ramifications. You are not his wife under the eyes of God and man. You are his live in lover. 8 year fiancee. LadyLord of the Ring

Madam, leave that toxic arrangement and go back to your family because there is nothing really tying you to him, except your children. No matter how angry your father is, he will not fold his hands while harm befalls his daughter. Do you know young people now have stroke and high blood pressure? Why are you enduring verbal and emotional abuse? Why? To what gain? Do you want to raise your kids to feel it is okay to disrespect and mistreat one's partner? These children see things and it affects their psyche in the long run, so these children that is keeping you in a very toxic arrangement will still bear the brunt of the choices of you, their mother.

Aunty Lizzy, be very wise. At the end of the day you are the one who has to sit up and make a very serious decision, not anonymous strangers on the internet.

MMotimo:
. . . . . . and this is the character you were determined to have another baby with, bringing yet another child into a situation like this. So unfair to that baby. You already knew what he was capable of yet still went ahead with another pregnancy and now, both kids have to go through this upheaval with you .

As for Mr man, everyone reaps what they sow.

My advice is for women those that are able to learn:

SELF LOVE is imperative!
If you don’t love yourself and you go couple with an abuser, it gets worse. Self love is running from danger, not getting with someone who doesn’t even like you. A person that has “ordinary like” for you would not treat you in this manner. Not every guy you meet likes you, respects you, values you etc. The burden is on you, as a woman to have the self awareness, the emotional intelligence, to do what is right for your well-being. Abusers will abuse, that is what they do. It’s left to you to choose not to be their victim.

SELF LOVE
SELF LOVE
SELF LOVE

Lizzyangel:

Mindlog:
Your response to yourself reflects your true view about the relationship because I have seen many women who co-habited and felt the relationship may improve should the man finally decides to go pay their bride price.....warped!