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Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love - Family - Nairaland

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Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Hathor5(f): 9:29am On Oct 24, 2021
Do you agree?

I am watching a series and in one of the episodes a couple goes to see a marriage counselor. She tells them that marriage is not about unconditional love but an agreement to show up the best we can. It is meant to challenge each spouse to bring out the best in them.

How useful is this kind of advice?

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Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Nobody: 9:34am On Oct 24, 2021
Best advice ever,it's best to study the flaws of a partner and see if you can cope with him/her than concentrating only on the good side.In marriage love should be secondary, marry who have sense and compatibility should be your top priority. Love will fade if you marry a stupid person and you'll begin to ask yourself if you were hypnotized.

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Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Magnoliaa(f): 9:37am On Oct 24, 2021
Is showing up the best we can and bringing out the best in our partners not a part of unconditional love? smiley I believe it is a part of it, and one does not necessarily preclude the other.

Love is important. Yes, the feelings, tingly kind I believe. One that makes your heart race and feel good just thinking about them, I believe. No, that is not all there is to it.

But unconditional love has imbued in it the works, the efforts, the commitment and the blindness as well.

To the usefulness of such advice, I feel it paints a dreary picture of marriage that I don't want to look forward to. Sounds drudgery. Like I must do things for my partner, just because. Not cheerily. Are there likely going to be times I feel that way? Possibly. But haba, for the most of the time and my marriage life?

I don't want that kind of organic, fulfilling-a-duty or filling-in-a-space love, tenkio.

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Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Longsleeve: 9:39am On Oct 24, 2021
Iyaebe:
Best advice ever,it's best to study the flaws of a partner and see if you can cope with him/her than concentrating only on the good side.In marriage love should be secondary, marry who have sense and compatibility should be your top priority. Love will fade if you marry a stupid person and you'll begin to ask yourself if you were hypnotized.

Unconditional love will cover everything if it's genuine..

If you love a stupid person unconditionally.. you won't see any stupidity again in him/her

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Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by pocohantas(f): 9:46am On Oct 24, 2021
Magnoliaa:
Is showing up the best we can and bringing out the best in our partners not a part of unconditional love? smiley

Some people believe they should just be loved the way they are. With their good and bad. Even when they can make conscious efforts to change, they refuse to. They call it self-love. Some compromises are healthy. He is not asking you to go from dark skin to fair skin, he is only asking you reduce the salt you put in food. You na say the man that loves you would enjoy your food like that. You want to damage his liver?

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Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Hathor5(f): 9:48am On Oct 24, 2021
pocohantas:


Some people believe they should just be loved the way they are. With their good and bad. Even when they can make conscious efforts to change, they refuse to. They call it self-love. Some compromises are healthy. He is not asking you to go from dark skin to fair skin, he is only asking you reduce the salt you put in food. You na say the man that loves you would enjoy your food like that. You want to damage his liver?

You and your examples. grin

But yeah, that's the point. The question is not whether there should be love or no love in a marriage/relationship but the emphasis lies on unconditional. Do we expect the other person to love us unconditionally? The good, the bad and the ugly or are we willing to work on ourselves and try and show them the best of us? The latter requires work and effort.

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Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Hathor5(f): 9:51am On Oct 24, 2021
Magnoliaa:
Is showing up the best we can and bringing out the best in our partners not a part of unconditional love? smiley I believe it is a part of it, and one does not necessarily preclude the other.

Love is important. Yes, the feelings, tingly kind I believe. One that makes your heart race and feel good just thinking about them, I believe. No, that is not all there is to it.

But unconditional love has imbued in it the works, the efforts, the commitment and the blindness as well.

To the usefulness of such advice, I feel it paints a dreary picture of marriage that I don't want to look forward to. Sounds drudgery. Like I must do things for my partner, just because. Not cheerily. Are there likely going to be times I feel that way? Possibly. But haba, for the most of the time and my marriage life?

I don't want that kind of organic, fulfilling-a-duty or filling-in-a-space love, tenkio.

Is it unconditional love or love?

2 Likes

Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Nobody: 9:54am On Oct 24, 2021
Longsleeve:


Unconditional love will cover everything if it's genuine..

If you love a stupid person unconditionally.. you won't see any stupidity again in him/her
Then be ready to live a miserable life,trust me you'll eventually get tired.

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Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Magnoliaa(f): 9:54am On Oct 24, 2021
pocohantas:


Some people believe they should just be loved the way they are. With their good and bad. Even when they can make conscious efforts to change, they refuse to. They call it self-love. Some compromises are healthy. He is not asking you to go from dark skin to fair skin, he is only asking you reduce the salt you put in food. You na say the man that loves you would enjoy your food. You want to damage his liver?

LOL. This is actually funny to me, because I know someone like that. She has kukuma said God should provide a husband that likes pepper for her. If he now checks all your list except for the pepper part, nko?

That one. That's outright tasteless sha. What you've described and that kind of person is obviously not being considerate or being 'unconditional' or trying to get the best out of her partner, because he'll keep feeling disrespected and inconsequential...and if efforts has been made to resolve it, like she adding additional salt to her own food after the general cooking and so on. She's already putting a condition on her love at that point, somewhat, if she insists she won't make adjustments for their love to be stress-free.

Yes. There are healthy compromises, I agree. And it's beautiful when it's not a one-way thing.

Another important thing is the NOT keeping scores. 'Okay, I have done three things for you today and made one compromise, do your own to balance it.' Nahhh

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Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by DontBullshitMe: 10:00am On Oct 24, 2021
Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Kondomatic(m): 10:00am On Oct 24, 2021
pocohantas:


Some people believe they should just be loved the way they are. With their good and bad. Even when they can make conscious efforts to change, they refuse to. They call it self-love. Some compromises are healthy. He is not asking you to go from dark skin to fair skin, he is only asking you reduce the salt you put in food. You na say the man that loves you would enjoy your food like that. You want to damage his liver?
@Emboldened, that is selfishness nah.

No partner, even if he or she was specially made in heaven will tolerate their spouses bad character forever. They may ignore them initially(love) and give you time to improve but they will walk away when they get tired(common sense)


@OP, I personally don't believe there's anything like unconditional love and marriage isn't something you go into and stay like that; life generally.

Every sensible person should try to ID their flaws and work on them, keep improving.

Compatibility, unconditional love, these ain't things that make marriage work. Aside the fact that I don't believe in unconditional love, I also don't think there people anywhere that are compatible enough to live happily ever after marriage. That's why Adaptability is always better than compatibility.

Once the little perfections in the very flawed person you married are enough to make you stay with them, the next is to learn to live with them.

Gradually, you'd find yourself liking what they like, finding interest in their activities and hobbies and if they do same to you, the marriage don make sense be that.

People around go think say unah dey compatible.

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Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Magnoliaa(f): 10:03am On Oct 24, 2021
Hathor5:


Is it unconditional love or love?


Hm. Well. There are actually love that comes with conditions and prerequisites and such. Like they'll only be their best selves with you if some things are being met. Plus, I guess with the way 'love' has Bern portrayed, given, shown and paired with so many things, the additional tag of 'unconditional' came up, just like 'true' in true love.

Lol. I'll say it's the same thing sha. If it's love, it's unconditional (or should be). cheesy Yeah. Maybe just semantics and nothing more.

What do you think?
Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Magnoliaa(f): 10:15am On Oct 24, 2021
Hathor5:


You and your examples. grin

But yeah, that's the point. The question is not whether there should be love or no love in a marriage/relationship but the emphasis lies on unconditional. Do we expect the other person to love us unconditionally? The good, the bad and the ugly or are we willing to work on ourselves and try and show them the best of us? The latter requires work and effort.

Yes. We can show them the best of us. The ugly part. I see it as... it's not like saying someone should love and stay with a woman that destroys things in a fit of anger. But no one is prefect, like in actuality. There are some flaws and inclinations and proclivities with have, that are not exactly detrimental to others' lives... So I feel that is what the unconditional aspect covers.

Flaws and frailty are built into humans. Also, I believe if you don't put a condition to the love, then instead of just breaking up because this person has this particular attribute, thereby never putting in any efforts in the relationships you get into, then ... say you want your partner to read more, so you can have stimulating discussions, you don't break up with them and you obviously cannot increase their IQ or turn an extrovert into an introvert... these are the things that are pointless to expect to change about people, yeah?

So you buy books for them or get games to play at home - PROVIDED the other person is willing - and you both meet at the middle... that's how I see the 'unconditional' tag.

**inserts the 'I-don't-know-though meme after saying a piece that's not more than 2-kobo and could be way off the point**

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Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Hathor5(f): 10:16am On Oct 24, 2021
Magnoliaa:


Hm. Well. There are actually love that comes with conditions and prerequisites and such. Like they'll only be their best selves with you if some things are being met. Plus, I guess with the way 'love' has Bern portrayed, given, shown and paired with so many things, the additional tag of 'unconditional' came up, just like 'true' in true love.

Lol. I'll say it's the same thing sha. If it's love, it's unconditional (or should be). cheesy Yeah. Maybe just semantics and nothing more.

What do you think?

I'm not sure unconditional love exists and if it is does it's rare. I think most people love conditionally and it's a good thing because you should have standards and set boundaries. If our spouse decides to behave like a jerk, it will have an impact on the feelings we have for them. It's only human, isn't it?

I have heard of people who have never remarried even though they lost their spouses very young because they loved them so much that they would not even let death stop them from honoring their bond or people who have been taking care of their spouses who have fallen into coma for 20+ years and decided to remain single too but these examples are rare. It's also rare for a spouse to remain loyal and loving when the other one can't give them children.

It's good to have a sense of duty and profound love when our spouse needs us most but apart from this we should expect our spouse to give their best and do the same.

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Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by odinson1(m): 10:18am On Oct 24, 2021
One thing I know is,it is impossible for a woman to truly Love

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Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by MufasaLion: 10:19am On Oct 24, 2021
Yes, the Shrink is right. It's never unconditional.
Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Abudu2000(m): 10:50am On Oct 24, 2021
pocohantas:


Some people believe they should just be loved the way they are. With their good and bad. Even when they can make conscious efforts to change, they refuse to. They call it self-love. Some compromises are healthy. He is not asking you to go from dark skin to fair skin, he is only asking you reduce the salt you put in food. You na say the man that loves you would enjoy your food like that. You want to damage his liver?
especially those women from spoilt homes. Correction is never in their dictionary, they can't do anything meaningful and will still pick offense when they are corrected.

10 Likes

Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by LordReed(m): 12:20pm On Oct 24, 2021
Hathor5:
Do you agree?

I am watching a series and in one of the episodes a couple goes to see a marriage counselor. She tells them that marriage is not about unconditional love but an agreement to show up the best we can. It is meant to challenge each spouse to bring out the best in them.

How useful is this kind of advice?

Unconditional love is a myth, it doesn't exist. All love is conditional albeit in some the conditions required to extinguish the love may be difficult to achieve.

I agree with the counsellor, all the agency required to make things work is vested in the people involved in a relationship. There is no relationship where things work automatically, you must put in the effort required for the success of the relationship. If you are not putting much effort into a relationship and it is succeeding then someone else is doing the bulk of the work.

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Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Nobody: 12:43pm On Oct 24, 2021
Hathor5:
Do you agree?

I am watching a series and in one of the episodes a couple goes to see a marriage counselor. She tells them that marriage is not about unconditional love but an agreement to show up the best we can. It is meant to challenge each spouse to bring out the best in them.

How useful is this kind of advice?
the Only form of unconditional love among humans is that between mother and child. Every other kind of love is conditioned upon meet some requirements.
So yes marriage is not based on unconditional love. Only a deep sense of loyalty and commitment.

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Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by cococandy(f): 2:17pm On Oct 24, 2021
Magnoliaa:
Is showing up the best we can and bringing out the best in our partners not a part of unconditional love? smiley I believe it is a part of it, and one does not necessarily preclude the other..
If one person keeps doing the best they can and the other doesn’t, it will inevitably fail at some point.
So those conditions I guess are what makes it conditional

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Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Klass99(f): 3:58pm On Oct 24, 2021
.

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Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Cognitivedisson(m): 4:02pm On Oct 24, 2021
God is love. The creator created us with a capacity to love. And God's love is conditional.

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Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Sonnobax15(m): 5:56pm On Oct 24, 2021
lipsrsealed
Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Kobojunkie: 6:31pm On Oct 24, 2021
Hathor5:
Do you agree? I am watching a series and in one of the episodes a couple goes to see a marriage counselor. She tells them that marriage is not about unconditional love but an agreement to show up the best we can. It is meant to challenge each spouse to bring out the best in them.

How useful is this kind of advice?
I agree.... Humans are generally incapable of unconditional love. undecided

Marriage is indeed a contract, an agreement between couples...not necessarily to show up the best they can since that depends on the terms and conditions agreed upon by the couple in the marriage. undecided

1 Like

Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Kobojunkie: 6:32pm On Oct 24, 2021
Cognitivedisson:
God is love. The creator created us with a capacity to love. And God's love is conditional.
Human's aren't built to exhibit unconditional love either... undecided
Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Kobojunkie: 6:34pm On Oct 24, 2021
Lollittaa:

the Only form of unconditional love among humans is that between mother and child. Every other kind of love is conditioned upon meet some requirements.
So yes marriage is not based on unconditional love. Only a deep sense of loyalty and commitment.
Even the love between a mother and child is conditional... we are generally too lazy to look deep to find the condition but there is always one. undecided

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Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Kobojunkie: 6:35pm On Oct 24, 2021
odinson1:
One thing I know is,it is impossible for a woman to truly Love
And what does it mean to truly love? undecided

1 Like

Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Kobojunkie: 6:36pm On Oct 24, 2021
Longsleeve:
Unconditional love will cover everything if it's genuine..

If you love a stupid person unconditionally.. you won't see any stupidity again in him/her
Define this "unconditional love" you refer to? undecided

The only way you can no longer see any stupidity in a person who you formerly knew to indeed be stupid is if you also chose to live in denial in your bid to love this person. undecided
Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by ogawisdom(m): 6:37pm On Oct 24, 2021
Hathor5:
Do you agree?

I am watching a series and in one of the episodes a couple goes to see a marriage counselor. She tells them that marriage is not about unconditional love but an agreement to show up the best we can. It is meant to challenge each spouse to bring out the best in them.

How useful is this kind of advice?

Only God can love unconditionally

4 Likes

Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Kobojunkie: 6:40pm On Oct 24, 2021
Magnoliaa:
But unconditional love has imbued in it the works, the efforts, the commitment and the blindness as well.
The choice of Blindness or denial implies there conditions exist but are intentionally being denied or ignored meaning there are conditions to the love. undecided
Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by LordReed(m): 7:01pm On Oct 24, 2021
ogawisdom:


Only God can love unconditionally

According to the Bible the god's love is conditional or else why would he need to forgive you your sins.

1 Like

Re: Marriage Is Not About Unconditional Love by Longsleeve: 7:31pm On Oct 24, 2021
Kobojunkie:
Define this "unconditional love" you refer to? undecided

The only way you can no longer see any stupidity in a person who you formerly knew to indeed be stupid is if you also chose to live in denial in your bid to love this person. undecided
Ok..

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