₦airaland Forum

I didn’t read your epistle but Join the line of those in love with another woman.

All that glitter is not gold I would advise you to stitch your marriage and forget about the infatuation. the love that you think you might be getting from the other girl may disappear before you could say jack but I don't like a toxic relationship just keep the relationship as simple as ABC so that you will not regret the friendship you have with her

Firstly,your Union lacked Godly foundation(formication>marriage) so you should expect some fallouts like these. Also remember, Satan our enemy will cease every opportunity due from our disobedience to God to act against us.(BACKGROUND PROBLEM)

Secondly, you have perfectly identified the catalyst of the problem that bedeviled your home; FINANCE. Taking solace in drinking, smoking or another relationship amounts to DENIAL. You shall only end up repeating a PATTERN(bad one) and reinvigorating the problem.( IMMEDIATE PROBLEM)

Finally, don't be deceive, starting with Maternal Eve, all women are with these common traits( REBELIOUS, GULLIBLE, DISOBEDIENCE AND DECEPTION). They are all very similar, don't even fall for the new girl facade because its not gonna last. See them as incubator and care giver for you children only and save yourself ageless headaches. Forget about the feminists pathetic scripts of equalism, better half, mate, etc, and other unadulterated phonetics. (ADVICE)

DigitalLawyer:
Hello nairaland, I need your candid advice on this matter.

I am in my early 30’s. I am married and have been so married for 5 years now but I look very young like a single dude. Going back in time, it was the year 2017 during my youth service. I met this girl in my place of primary assignment. I got attracted to her and approached her for a date but she refused and maintained we could be good friends. She said I was not ready or rich enough to marry her. But as time went by, before the end of my service, I fell in love with her and she quite liked me but was dating another guy. Gradually, we started staying together as if we were dating. I was always with her, told her stories, sings for her while she cooks and assisted her in the kitchen. She could not resist my kindness, gentle disposition and above all my innocently handsome looks. She confessed that I am a husband material and wished I was rich enough to marry her. But poor me, I was a youth corper with only 20k salary and 19k allawee. In one of my romantic fits, I declared that in no distant time, I will marry her and I prayed about it. I never knew she was in love with another man. Fast forward till towards the ending of youth service, I made love with her and after passing out parade, she broke the news that she is pregnant for me. I had no job then but that evening I proposed to her without ring ( I had no money to buy ring). She was afraid because she does not want to disgrace her family by giving birth outside wedlock and so she agreed to marry me but we did not have enough money. Even with her own money combined, we cannot do a Traditional wedding and pay our house rent. I broke the news to my dad and knelt down and begged him in tears to support us so that we could successfully get married and settle down. Luckily for me My dad agreed and said that the baby in her womb is his blood and he cannot abandon it in another mans land. That I will marry her and she will give birth to his grandchild. He made some calls and sold one of his lands, divided the money in half and gave me to do a befitting wedding and settle down. I met the family of the girl who at that time did know about the pregnancy and with a bottle of Champagne told them I came to ask for their daughters hand in marriage. The mum accepted me but the dad had reservations as to whether I was buoyant enough to take care of his lovely daughter. But he finally made a remark “ he who do not have today, will have tomorrow” and gave us his blessing. I took her out and we professed love for each other. In the course of the wedding preparation, she lost the baby. After the baby was gone, we assured each other we will go ahead with the wedding because we love each other not because she was pregnant.
The wedding was a success and we relocated and started life in another state. It was hard for us initially but I got a job and things became fine.

Along the line she became pregnant again and gave birth to my son. After some time my salary was no longer enough for us. This was how insults found its way into the marriage. she insults and disrespect me at the slightest provocation. She calls me a failure whenever I cannot afford some things we need in the house. At a point my son’s school threatened to send them away from school in 2 days time if I don’t pay their fees. As a result my wife mounted so much pressure on me to look for money but I could find none. I pleaded with her that I was expecting some money in two week’s time from a deal I did but she gave me the insult of my life that day. Because of this I went and borrowed money from someone I was not supposed to meet for money. The insults continued and the disrespect persisted. At any slightest mistake I make in the house, she will rain down insults and threats on me. At one point she threatened to kill me if I cheated on her. As a result of the insults, I lost the love I had for her. The house became a hell to me. I lost my phone and could not buy another phone. I resorted to borrowing people’s phone to use their watsapp to do business calls. Sometimes, my wife refuses to give me her phone to use to speak to some clients. It became obvious, am no longer happy. Even my children started noticing it. The way she forments quarrels over trivial issues in the house and uses words that breaks my heart. At a point, I resumed smoking and drinking inorder to find peace and happiness at least whenever I am high. It was not enough, I started looking for alternative to my happiness. Maybe if I carry another woman it will balance the equation. I would be able to get the joy I never had in the house and be able to bear insults from my wife because another person is giving me joy outside. On a fateful day, I met this girl in a taxi I entered to work. Beautiful, attractive and courteous. She liked me at first meeting and we exchanged contacts. First I was not serious with her until when the sadness in my home continued, I started going after her to get the happiness, I am missing in the house. From meetings with her, I found her very respectful, lively and playful. One could forget all his cares in a moment with her. She is industrious and always expresses her dreams and how she believe she will attain same. I invited her to have dinner date with me after office hour on a fateful day and she complied. During the dinner, I told her about myself and she told me about herself. I told her that all I need is happiness because I am sad and empty. She did not know I am married and she wondered why I said that. She was already waiting for me to ask her to date me so that she will quickly say yes. Because I love to be truthful in all things, I told her I am married but that I am not happy. I was surprised when she told me she liked me and would like to date me despite that fact. She told me she has a boyfriend but he is unserious. Both of us within a short time blended in such a way that we talk, play and act like siblings. It was as if we had been friends before. Although I meet her clandestinely, my love for her grew. I started planning her future with her. Each time we talk we look at each other passionately in the eyes and she said she wished we had met before I got married. The funny aspect of it is that I have come to love her so much that all I need from her is her presence and attention and I have no desire whatsoever to have sex with her. I am not just attracted to her sexually. Each time I see her I smile profusely and she too smiles profusely and we play like little children. We always wished there were no obstacles like my marriage. Because of her, my happiness came back. I was no longer sad and at home my wife noticed my new countenance and that I am no longer interested and started Changing. Above all, the money I was expecting came, for now I am okay. She easily got whatever she asked for in the house and currently she has completely changed (not sure if she is pretending or not). Currently I am happy. Currently the beautiful innocent girl I met is in a dilemma because she does not know my fate with her. I kept wishing i married her. She keeps wishing I were not married. I showed her my children’s pictures and she loved them and asked me about them always.

Sorry for the long story but I am in a dilemma. Please I need your advice, I now love her more than my wife. In fact I no longer love my wife, we just live strictly as legally married husband and wife and nothing more.
But I now love this girl so much that I am afraid of losing her because she is the one that gave me joy to be able to withstand the depression in my house. Now that peace has returned to my house what should I do. I don’t know whether my wife is pretending or she is fully changed. But I feel for the girl, I love her, she is someone I can live with for a 100 years without getting tired of loving her.

Please advice me. Please no insult and abeg don’t judge me, I have not touched her.

Marraige is a serious commitment. I understand u going for someone else the way u say your wife constantly insult you etc. Ur wife should be easing ur stress wen u get home not adding to it. Marraige is for not just the better but the worst. Ur wife should have stood by u thru the worst n ben more understanding and tried solving the issues not adding to them. Understand tho is not easy as it sounds being a mother to young children and keeping house it gets tiring and u can feel like u have no life outside that so can get depressing i guess but is no excuse to take it out on you. Is it possible to talk openly about how ur both feeling bout ur life n marraige n try put in more effort to make things great again or discuss divorce maybe she will want to be free aswell? U never know what is going on in ones mind if u don't ask. As for the other woman i wouldn't go any further with her or rush anything til u sort ur marraige first. The happiness u feel with this woman remember u once felt that way with your wife. U dnt need rush into another problem adding to ur misery if things don't turn out well then you'll have not only a bad marraige. I think marraige being a vow before god should be given atleast a chance to be fixed. Maybe spice up ur sex life with your wife and romance etc and talk freely how she makes u feel etc cos remember the woman she was wen u met her that woman is still inside there. Ask her her thoughts her feelings. Atleast try save ur marraige n if it dont work then divorce and try a new relationship. Remember tho all relationships start off all lovey n rosey until real life sets in so whatever u do decide id take your time

All the features ur seeing in this new girl, u also saw in ur wife b4 u got married. Nothing is going to change with the new girl. Besides ur wife wanted nothing to do with ur broke ass b4 u got her pregnant (that was an indirect way of her telling you "Nigga wen u broke, we gonna have a problem" but ur ass didn't understand that.
Love is a choice. If ur will to love ur wife again, "YOU WILL"
you don't love her any more cause ur "NOT WILLING"
MAKE UR MARRIAGE WORK, UR D MAN!

DigitalLawyer:
Please advice me. Please no insult and abeg don’t judge me, I have not touched her.

Toh. I'm gonna be straight with you, all you need a side chick stop thinking of love, I love this I love that, what you lack inside you seek outside and I'm not saying the new girl ain't good but you may marry her and her true colors show. Depends on your moral compass, To maintain balance you gotta have a girl outside and I'm not saying everybody should cheat but it's obvious you ain't getting everything you want with your wife. So yeah keep doing what you are doing stop thinking of settling with her for now, you are already married just play your game until when your wife decided to genuinely give you love and happiness, but for now just maintain the balance for the sake of your mental health.

Durabest:
where do these set of wemen came from,at time when i look at my wife i didn't see much things to complain about her then i begin to ask,those with complaint who is their god?but i will advice you start developing love with your wife.the one you called date,she's just pretending.

True talk.

omolasho:
Firstly,your Union lacked Godly foundation(formication>marriage) so you should expect some fallouts like these. Also remember, Satan our enemy will cease every opportunity due from our disobedience to God to act against us.(BACKGROUND PROBLEM)

Secondly, you have perfectly identified the catalyst of the problem that bedeviled your home; FINANCE. Taking solace in drinking, smoking or another relationship amounts to DENIAL. You shall only end up repeating a PATTERN(bad one) and reinvigorating the problem.( IMMEDIATE PROBLEM)

Finally, don't be deceive, starting with Maternal Eve, all women are with these common traits( REBELIOUS, GULLIBLE, DISOBEDIENCE AND DECEPTION). They are all very similar, don't even fall for the new girl facade because its not gonna last. See them as incubator and care giver for you children only and save yourself ageless headaches. Forget about the feminists pathetic scripts of equalism, better half, mate, etc, and other unadulterated phonetics. (ADVICE)

Thanks. I don’t think finance was the problem. I think she does not have genuine love for me. If she does, she will be my consolation in my hard times and not an additional hell. She knows my worth and also knows money will eventually come and which actually happened. The threats, curses, disrespect before now was much, I had to look for happiness somewhere.

falcon01:
Toh. I'm gonna be straight with you, all you need a side chick stop thinking of love, I love this I love that, what you lack inside you seek outside and I'm not saying the new girl ain't good but you may marry her and her true colors show. Depends on your moral compass, To maintain balance you gotta have a girl outside and I'm not saying everybody should cheat but it's obvious you ain't getting everything you want with your wife. So yeah keep doing what you are doing stop thinking of settling with her for now, you are already married just play your game until when your wife decided to genuinely give you love and happiness, but for now just maintain the balance for the sake of your mental health.

I quite agree with you. I will keep in touch with her and still watch my wife and see whether things will get worse or better. Before now, owing to her wahala I suffer constant headaches and struggles to be happy. Thank you for the advice.

BlackMan6969:
All the features ur seeing in this new girl, u also saw in ur wife b4 u got married. Nothing is going to change with the new girl. Besides ur wife wanted nothing to do with ur broke ass b4 u got her pregnant (that was an indirect way of her telling you "Nigga wen u broke, we gonna have a problem" but ur ass didn't understand that.
Love is a choice. If ur will to love ur wife again, "YOU WILL"
you don't love her any more cause ur "NOT WILLING"
MAKE UR MARRIAGE WORK, UR D MAN!

How I wish the love could come back. She will just quickly quench it with one attitude that I will be wondering whether she is being controlled from somewhere. Anyways, thanks bro.

Mrscarter:
Marraige is a serious commitment. I understand u going for someone else the way u say your wife constantly insult you etc. Ur wife should be easing ur stress wen u get home not adding to it. Marraige is for not just the better but the worst. Ur wife should have stood by u thru the worst n ben more understanding and tried solving the issues not adding to them. Understand tho is not easy as it sounds being a mother to young children and keeping house it gets tiring and u can feel like u have no life outside that so can get depressing i guess but is no excuse to take it out on you. Is it possible to talk openly about how ur both feeling bout ur life n marraige n try put in more effort to make things great again or discuss divorce maybe she will want to be free aswell? U never know what is going on in ones mind if u don't ask. As for the other woman i wouldn't go any further with her or rush anything til u sort ur marraige first. The happiness u feel with this woman remember u once felt that way with your wife. U dnt need rush into another problem adding to ur misery if things don't turn out well then you'll have not only a bad marraige. I think marraige being a vow before god should be given atleast a chance to be fixed. Maybe spice up ur sex life with your wife and romance etc and talk freely how she makes u feel etc cos remember the woman she was wen u met her that woman is still inside there. Ask her her thoughts her feelings. Atleast try save ur marraige n if it dont work then divorce and try a new relationship. Remember tho all relationships start off all lovey n rosey until real life sets in so whatever u do decide id take your time

I understand you. Sometimes while she is asleep, I wakeup, sitting beside the bed, I think about the lovely days and tears drops from my eyes. I think about my vow, but everything get sour when I think about the curses. For her to say “ it will not be well with me” because of a provocation, broke my heart. For her to threaten to kill me because of some quarrels shattered my heart. Then I thought, am I with the right woman? Did I make mistake? Sometimes I remind her about all the sacrifices I have offered for her and told her to behave. But the most painful part was an occasion when I did a job and was not paid, lost my phone and business contacts, get mocked in the office for trying to use other people’s phone to get in touch with my business partners and then come back home to meet a disrespectful wife. That was the height of it all. I laid in my room and I cried and wondered why things were not working for me. After all these, I zeroed my mind and channeled it to find happiness outside and I got it. I know it’s a sin but before everything I begged God to be patient with me and forgive me. But I assured myself I will never deceive any woman so as not to add sin to sin. I told her am married and I am with her because I am sad and want happiness. I have decided to banish every thoughts on getting divorced and remarried. I think I will just hang on and enjoy the moments with her. I don’t intend to touch her. Thank you for your wise advice. It sounds like an advice from an elder sis. Thanks.

DigitalLawyer:
I understand you. Sometimes while she is asleep, I wakeup, sitting beside the bed, I think about the lovely days and tears drops from my eyes. I think about my vow, but everything get sour when I think about the curses. For her to say “ it will not be well with me” because of a provocation, broke my heart. For her to threaten to kill me because of some quarrels shattered my heart. Then I thought, am I with the right woman? Did I make mistake? Sometimes I remind her about all the sacrifices I have offered for her and told her to behave. But the most painful part was an occasion when I did a job and was not paid, lost my phone and business contacts, get mocked in the office for trying to use other people’s phone to get in touch with my business partners and then come back home to meet a disrespectful wife. That was the height of it all. I laid in my room and I cried and wondered why things were not working for me. After all these, I zeroed my mind and channeled it to find happiness outside and I got it. I know it’s a sin but before everything I begged God to be patient with me and forgive me. But I assured myself I will never deceive any woman so as not to add sin to sin. I told her am married and I am with her because I am sad and want happiness. I have decided to banish every thoughts on getting divorced and remarried. I think I will just hang on and enjoy the moments with her. I don’t intend to touch her. Thank you for your wise advice. It sounds like an advice from an elder sis. Thanks.

Omg she shouldn't threaten to kill you. Be careful with that.
Us women are very emotional creatures. We can be very irrational n let our emotions control our actions n our words etc n we tend to Say alot of things we don't mean in temper or wen we are upset. Especially when life is hard n we going thru shit. However ur wife need learn that she not the only one going thru it and to see things from your perspective. If anything it be harder on you shouldering all that responsibility having to try provide for yourself your wife n children. Some women don't consider how those burdens and responsibilities must weigh on a man especially when things aren't going so good n they tend not to realize that men have feelings too. She need remember u are doing your best.
I think you need have heart to heart conversation with her explain everything u feel and ask her to understand and let her know u understand her side aswell. When ppl argue they tend to focus on their own emotions and things affecting them so let her know that you've thought of how things must be for her aswell as yourself. Hopefully she will do the same. And thru out problems in marraiges i believe u should still show each other affection. Even to walk up cuddle her or kiss her tell her sweet things make her feel good about herself let her know u appreciate her. She should do the same with you too. Otherwise life will eat u up inside and ppl tend to get resentful of each other tired of each other over time get bored of each other n look outside for love and affection n happiness. I think marraige is like a journey together u gotta lift each other up wen u fall even if ur falling yourself. But if she doesn't be reasonable and keeps being abusive i can understand u don't want to live your life miserable and atleast u know you tried even when things were tough and maybe then u can decide weather to find happiness elsewhere. But remember all relationships start out sweet n the new girl will eventually have the same issues as the last girl did if life ends up the same if u know wat i mean.
Overall tho please be wary if she threatens to kill u cos i see lotsa stories on here of things like that happened. Don't ever put up with physical abuse cos it can lead to u losing your life. Whatever u decide to do i wish u the best of luck n i pray god lifts u up in life n i prayed for you.