₦airaland Forum

Let it go and stop being a silly if you want to be in the bad books of your mother in law try am ...its not necessary at all you don't owe him anything

I don't know your culture but in Igbo culture the man who paid for the women bride price owns her children.

There is nothing like biological there.

ZIMDRILL:
this is complex but it differs tradition of every tribe etc

where i came from son in law can ONLY pay bride price to the biological father in law or the women's family. if the child was raised by the mother alone, the biological father will
be present at the bride price day to witness and given a little token, but the large sum is given to the mum and her brothers



In my culture a step father can not represent a living biological father not matter the reason
they separated from the mother and whether deadbeat.

In my culture, if the father was absent when the girl was growing up and when she is getting married the biological father is invited to charge bride and the same time they will
charge him for being an absent father. if he had not paid bride price, they will charge him pride price, meaning instead of getting pride price from him daughter it will go pay the bride price of the girl's mother

For spiritual reason you pay bride price
to the biological father


In such situations your own family (son in laws) must guide you in finding the biological father or or his relatives, otherwise you pay pride price twice

Back to the story, lets say he pays bride price to the step father and in the long run the couple fights or have problems in house, which family will intervene to help ? the step father's family ? but if pride price is paid to the biological father its easy to seek help from relevent people from the biological father's family there are related by blood.

In my culture (Igbo) the man who paid the bride price of the women is the father of her children

You are insulting your father inlaw by going ti look for another man to respect, and complicating your life.

If you want to meet the biological father aka sperm depositor (which is unnecessary) wait until after you have completed all marriage ceremonies. Else you u will be disrespecting your father and mother in-law.

MetaBroadband:
Good morning mature men and women in the house. Please I need your help on this topic.

My Fiancee told me about how her biological dad abandoned her and her mum after getting her mum pregnant.

Her mum later married another man who adopted her as his child.

Now she's grown and I've proposed to her, I wanted to go for her official introduction and list collection.

Would it not be nice to hear the biological father's opinion? Should I just ignore the fact that the man is still alive and proceed with the marriage arrangement?

Although she said I should not bother about that, but this is Nigeria and as an Akwa Ibomite I don't think it's proper. Although she's against me trying to find out about the man's opinion. Should I care?

What can you say about this?

Note: she only told me that the man abandoned them, but what if it was her mum that actually took her away?

ZIMDRILL:
i think you missed my point, the father is invited but he doesnt get much of the bride price, if he didnt pay bride price of the mum, on the daughter of his daughter'w bride price, the father's in laws claims their bride price therefore the father of the girl only get a token for being the biological father the rest goes to the parents of the woman (who are the maternal grant parents of the girl)

There's no reason for the man to be invited if the girl doesn't want him to be invited.

Her life has been going well without his blessings anyway.

It's disrespectful and an insult, it's demeaning to tell me that someone must be in my wedding despite my refusal, so I don't have a right to determine who comes or not?
Even if my mum lied about him, that's between him and my mum, it doesn't automatically make me and him besties and it doesn't automatically make him my father and I definitely will NEVER discard the man who raised me for a sperm donor.
I don't reward bad behaviour.
He knew me and chose to be absent in my life due to his fall out with my mum, so he has to keep being absent on the best day of my life as well.
It's possible my mother was in the wrong but he never bothered to even say hi or attempt to make acquaintance with me on the road, market, at school etc all my life so he's literally dead as far as I'm concerned.

And if my fiance meets him secretly to give him any acknowledgement of any kind, that's his own business. E concern the two of them. My real father who raised me must get everything he deserves and be the only father representing me on my day.

Where I come from, an uncle or even stranger who raised a child from infant to maturity takes the brideprice. The parents may be present but when you present the brideprice to them, they'll call the person who raised her and hand it over to the person. The person may insist that the biological parents have a share in it, that's up to the person to decide. Infact, that person takes a higher position than the biological parents. If that person if offended, or even curses that child, nothing the biological parents can do about it.

You don't even forget the nanny who looked after a child especially a girl child, the nanny is usually appreciated with a basket of provisions. Lack of money is why it's not often practiced.

When a man gets a woman pregnant, he should support the child irrespective of the differences he has with the child's mother and not sit his lazy ass somewhere counting the years till he can come and claim brideprice as the "Biological Sperm Donor"

I feel soooo angry.

Unclesamo:
Is this the Woke Generation theology of defining who a father is?


What if it was the mother that denied him the access from birth by running away with the child, threatening any form of connection, or in the bid of marrying someone Richer?

what if?

Threatened to beat him up or threatened to bite him?

If she stole his $2m and ran away with it and threatened him, will he stay away?

Proudpolygamist:
My own be say if i be your brother and you carry me go pay downry for your wife step father house u can never fit talk for our family gathering because na u go marry bastard pay ur wife downry for orphanage. Your wife can never get my Respect... She's a bastard as far as I'm concerned.

The woman is very bitter, if the man is bad, he has a family. He has siblings!
Are all of them bad too?

You're more bitter than her.

So girls in orphanages are all bastards?
So adopted children shouldn't marry?

Nigeria is this way because of all these anticlockwise traditions and brains that support it

Lolz...you biological father has to bless you...ur step father cannt collect brideprice 4 christsake....even if the biological father isn't alive, probably the elderest uncle or some1 from the fathers family will collect the brideprice and bless the daughter......abeg that blessing from the family matters alot oooooooo

Plz if ure not ready to adjust to ur so called traditions pls step away from the marriage bcs ure not also ready for sacrifices that is involved in it,because this alone might scatter the marriage if they find out,mind you business, if u care much,try and find the mother's brothers or father or uncle in fact a male from the mothers side and know their take on it bc they re in the best position to tell u whether is them,or foster /biological father that will take the bride price cos they are there when everything started ranging from when she got pregnant to marrying the foster father.so try and see them first bf progressing to other things,though u HV to discuss it with ur fiancée and her mother.

Fiscus105:
In as much I biliv that one should hear from both side...... at ur bolded, what stops father to look for her daughter during upbringing and let her know what really caused the fight and let her know that he is responsible father.

Something similar happened with a woman we worked together years back, despite the fact that the father frustrating the woman not see her child, she still finding tedious way then to see him. Then, the boy still in SS1, he used to console his mother that everything would stop if he eventually enter university.

What about "churchy and Tonto Dike"? I biliv u know chuchy still trying his best to reach out to his son, even if it on social media.

That's how to show to ur kids that u re thr for him/ her during upbringing and not totally negligence

How did you know the father hasn't been trying to reach out? What if the mother blocked every availability to see his daughter from the first day? we can't conclude until the man talks first. yes, he might reject the pregnancy at first but what if the whole thing he later came back and the woman said no and left for another city without access anymore? We all just need to chill because I feel there is more to both the mother's and father's sides of pregnancy and the child's.

@MetaBroadband

You pay bride price to a father who paid the bride price of his daughter's mother.

Whether deadbeat or not.

And this is for spiritual reasons.

This is Nigeria.

oweniwe:
@ sisisioge MetaBroadband, Biglittlelois, mrmislim

Bride price/wedding stuffs, are all "just a formality.."

Just do whatever you think is right to balance all sides to fulfill all righteousness and after everything, a few days, it's all over.

You don't owe anybody any explanation again

Any how the bride want to handle her family side relations thereafter, is her headache.

It doesn't concern the husband again.

So just a few days, close eyes and clear everything. Nothing bad in that.

If the bride or her mother are insisting on not contacting the biological father, its a sign of toxicity/bitterness, Its better to leave the relationship because that toxicity/bitterness can be served to the husband in the future.

If the bride in particular and her mom cannot accept to relate with her biological father for a few days just for the purpose of wedding, then it means after marriage they cannot tolerate/will be rigid and uncompromising ... It's big red flag.

The kind of home, you will call wife, sit down let's talk... She no go hear word dey form strong head

May God continue to increase you in wisdom and understanding. Many in our world today lack wisdom and understanding, so they make decisions out of emotionalism, their own faulty upbring and programing.

God bless you plenty, I pray that the op receives the needed wisdom, clarity and boldness to deal with this issue for the sake of his marriage in future.

Pay the bride price to the step father who invested to raise her but find out what's up with the biological father and the mother. So you will be very clear on what you are getting yourself into. You maybe stepping I to a hole if you ignore that. Trust me the biological father will have a lot to tell you about the mother and the girl. Don't fear the mother or the girls anger. This has nothing to do with trust. Its for clarity and peace of mind. Find out o incase of some spiritual things and things o, women can hide things for the devil in this life.

profsomebody:
If truly this is what happened, then it's a no brainer that the biological father is a useless person who deserves to be cancelled. However, all we're trying to base our judgement on is one person's side of the story. I've broken up with a gf in the past because I caught her cheating. Do you expect her to be sincere whenever she tells the story of why we separated to her friends and coworkers who all knew us to be lovebirds? Of cause, not. She'll most likely do and say things to portray herself as the victim. We've seen cases where a young guy gets a girl pregnant and the girl's parents make sure he never gets to see the pregnant girl or whatever comes out of the pregnancy again. We've seen people run away to be with a richer, "better" man. Would such people happily tell their children that they left their dad because they found a "better deal"? Now, no reasonable man wants to get married to the daughter of a dangerous woman because most times, the closest person to your wife is her mum, so you want to be sure the mum isn't a bad person. I know that you're a woman yourself and might naturally want to assume a woman is always the victim, but inside this life, a lot dey happen. Many men are terrible, but some women too would do things that will shock even the devil.

Well said
In this case, should the girl future be kept on hold because of the parents mistakes

Secondly, even if the mother may tell lies about she and her father, does that made the girl not to be communicating with her dad up to this present age of the girl

If her dad has ever been in her life, won't the girl be the one to insist her dad must be around on that day

Well I think the father was never there, so the lady couldn't even have any synergy with her dad

We can't keep the on hold, let her marry if they both agree

One day that man will surface

Tradition didn't insist that the father must be present

But tradition will also blame the man not not being in her life all through till she is about getting married

We can't reap where we didn't sow, let's keep sentiments apart

If it happens that the mother lied against the father, let her face it when the time comes

JASONjnr:
■ My uncle married in this condition.... Although the family of the girl lied to him that he was late and he proceeded to pay her bride price. Along the line, she died and she died 2013.
■ Her father surfaces and asked my uncle to do the right thing and marry her corpse. Till today as I speak to you, her remains has been abandoned at the mortuary and I doubt if those people will keep embalming her body this long.
■ Last December I was with my cousin and he refused to speak on thile issue but was blaming his father for abandoning his mother without proper burial and his father pushed it to her family member for frustrating his efforts.I took my time to explain this situation for you to learn from it.

1. This story you are telling here does not make a lick of sense though. You claim your uncle was legally married to his wife but then she died in 2013. And since then her body has been in the mortuary because your uncle, her own husband, refuses to bury his own wife?

2. A man shows up out of the blue after the woman died to claim she was his daughter and there was no bride price paid to him meaning he came to collect money and did not even care about the human being that is the woman, so your uncle decided for this reason, he would not bury his own wife?

See, the story doesn't make sense. Imagine if your uncle had died instead; tt was his own father that showed up out of the blue and his wife had been to one to refuse him burial, would you also be here to offer us some of these same cock and bull stories for an explanation?

3. You explained a situation or you fed him this same cock and bull tale for why his own dad abandoned his mother's corpse since 2013? It seems Nigeria has to criminalize the abandonment of corpses to get brains moving in that country or something.

The fact that it touched your spirit means you should do it...but DO NOT LET HIM KNOW YOUR PLANS...you might start a family problem you won’t be able to control.

Song001:
Yes but Akwa Ibom tradition says otherwise

Oh, so what does Akwa Ibom tradition says in this issue? I'd like to know, please.

hardasan:
There's no reason for the man to be invited if the girl doesn't want him to be invited.

Her life has been going well without his blessings anyway.

It's disrespectful and an insult, it's demeaning to tell me that someone must be in my wedding despite my refusal, so I don't have a right to determine who comes or not?
Even if my mum lied about him, that's between him and my mum, it doesn't automatically make me and him besties and it doesn't automatically make him my father and I definitely will NEVER discard the man who raised me for a sperm donor.
I don't reward bad behaviour.
He knew me and chose to be absent in my life due to his fall out with my mum, so he has to keep being absent on the best day of my life as well.
It's possible my mother was in the wrong but he never bothered to even say hi or attempt to make acquaintance with me on the road, market, at school etc all my life so he's literally dead as far as I'm concerned.

[[b][/And if my fiance meets him secretly to give him any acknowledgement of any kind, that's his[
own business. E concern the two of them. My real father who raised me must get everything he deserves and be the only father representing me on my day.

[b]Where I come from, an uncle or even stranger who raised a child from infant to maturity takes the brideprice. The parents may be present but when you present the brideprice to them, they'll call the person who raised her and hand it over to the person.[/b]The person may insist that the biological parents have a share in it, that's up to the person to decide. Infact, that person takes a higher position than the biological parents. If that person if offended, or even curses that child, nothing the biological parents can do about it.

You don't even forget the nanny who looked after a child especially a girl child, the nanny is usually appreciated with a basket of provisions. Lack of money is why it's not often practiced.

When a man gets a woman pregnant, he should support the child irrespective of the differences he has with the child's mother and not sit his lazy ass somewhere counting the years till he can come and claim brideprice as the "Biological Sperm Donor"

I feel soooo angry.

we are saying almost the same thing though there is a slight difference

Where i came from regardless that the step father was raised the child, aslong the biological father is alive and their relationship was known, he is notified or invited if not his relatives eg his sister

The invitation gives a chance to the son in law to know the biological father. Then if the girl was raised by either the mum alone or step father, thr bride price goes the mums family, then if the mum's family wants to give a token of appriciation the step father is given something

The biological father if he has not paid bride price for the mum he gets nothing, he is given something for is turn up. if he had paid bride price he is also given something but greater compared to that of not paying

The reason why the father is informed ot invited its due to what africans beliefs to say each family has it own family curse etc, so lets say your wife start to have those curse/family spiritual things, who is gonna solve it for you ifs its said its from your fathers side ? Your step father wont be able to sort it out for you, its need your bloodline relatives.

The step father will be always appriciated by the daughter she raised, bride price its one day event, whereas the girl has more year to bless the step father

wy2000:
I don't know your culture but in Igbo culture the man who paid for the women bride price owns her children.

There is nothing like biological there.

in our culture, before the man would own the child, now things have changed you both own the child, i guess this is to with modern life of school etc where both must contribute to raising the child, whether separated or not

So Saint Obi’s story hasnt taught us anything? Man was attempting to see his kids… but ex wife, her family and corporate connect.. prevented him. So most likely his ex wife has infested their kids with that same hate toward their dad? . If Saint Obi were still alive, his kids would be taught to label him a deadbeat and runaway dad.

Greatest mistake a man should make is inheriting His mother inlaw’s beef with her ex…and still running with it. Stop it right there

The comments from men in this thread is making me sick to my stomach. This shows that you men know exactly what you are doing to make the woman look like the problem. Is it not you men that abandon and deny pregnancies? When the child is an infant you'll be absent in the child's life. Then a real man steps up and when it's time to reap the fruits of his labour you will tell me a dead beat ghost who doesn't even know the child should come and reap where he did not sow? This is a thing of common sense and logic.

mrmislim:
I have a stepfather now, but my elder bro sat as my dad on my wedding day and my mum received the bride price.

None of my dad’s relatives were there, although my mum told my dad against my wish but when he was trying to claim father we cut his bluff and we in fact had police on ground in case he and his family wanted to misbehave.

Alright, thanks for sharing.

ZIMDRILL:
we are saying almost the same thing though there is a slight difference

Where i came from regardless that the step father was raised the child, aslong the biological father is alive and their relationship was known, he is notified or invited if not his relatives eg his sister

The invitation gives a chance to the son in law to know the biological father. Then if the girl was raised by either the mum alone or step father, thr bride price goes the mums family, then if the mum's family wants to give a token of appriciation the step father is given something

The biological father if he has not paid bride price for the mum he gets nothing, he is given something for is turn up. if he had paid bride price he is also given something but greater compared to that of not paying

The reason why the father is informed ot invited its due to what africans beliefs to say each family has it own family curse etc, so lets say your wife start to have those curse/family spiritual things, who is gonna solve it for you ifs its said its from your fathers side ? Your step father wont be able to sort it out for you, its need your bloodline relatives.

The step father will be always appriciated by the daughter she raised, bride price its one day event, whereas the girl has more year to bless the step father

I don't believe in bloodline curses...... It's a lie from the pit of hell used to chain people to traditions that have outgrown their use.

Back to the matter, I don't want any deadbeat mis-relative to attend my wedding even if he's my blood father. And if he Waka pass by mistake, he shouldn't even be given a plate of rice talkless of something.

Forget about curses, I don't believe in them, they can't work on me, they work on those who believe in them.

U can't just wake up to cure an old madness that has existed before u were born.
Go for the introduction first, until they tell you there's another father somewhere, then u can proceed to ask to meet the 'biological' father.
Don't be faster than your shadow before they will discard you. Play along and keep the detailed issues intact to your heart. Or do you want to scatter their sweet and happy home before ur entrant

hardasan:
I don't believe in bloodline curses...... It's a lie from the pit of hell used to chain people to traditions that have outgrown their use.

Back to the matter, I don't want any deadbeat mis-relative to attend my wedding even if he's my blood father. And if he Waka pass by mistake, he shouldn't even be given a plate of rice talkless of something.

Forget about curses, I don't believe in them, they can't work on me, they work on those who believe in them.

Fair enough thats your view on the subject but ask yourself why most people dont feel comfortable, when there is no parents approval of there wife to be or husband to be ?

Some call it approval and blessing, from parents

Kobojunkie:
1. This story you are telling here does not make a lick of sense though. You claim your uncle was legally married to his wife but then she died in 2013. And since then her body has been in the mortuary because your uncle, her own husband, refuses to bury his own wife?

2. A man shows up out of the blue after the woman died to claim she was his daughter and there was no bride price paid to him meaning he came to collect money and did not even care about the human being that is the woman, so your uncle decided for this reason, he would not bury his own wife?

See, the story doesn't make sense. Imagine if your uncle had died instead; tt was his own father that showed up out of the blue and his wife had been to one to refuse him burial, would you also be here to offer us some of these same cock and bull stories for an explanation?

3. You explained a situation or you fed him this same cock and bull tale for why his own dad abandoned his mother's corpse since 2013? It seems Nigeria has to criminalize the abandonment of corpses to get brains moving in that country or something.

You're so ignorant.


Seems you know nothing about the traditions of many tribes in Nigeria.

I assume, you will equally argue that women are not deprived of their husband's wealth when they give up.

Now, you didn't also read to understand but you read to spew trash. I never said he refused to bury his wife. I said he was disallowed to bury his wife. If he decides to go against the tradition, he will likely die after burying her.


Some things are way above your understanding. And I believe you should cross a line and not meddle into this.

I personally quoted the OP to share a lifetime experience and people who understand these traditions will not quote to talk nonsense like you just did.


I will only challenge you to find yourself in this situation and do otherwise.... Marry a girl without the consent of her father. And let her die in your house.

JASONjnr:
■ You're so ignorant. Seems you know nothing about the traditions of many tribes in Nigeria.
■ I assume, you will equally argue that women are deprived of their husband's wealth when they give up.
■ Now, you didn't also read to understand but you read to spew trash. I never said he refused to bury his wife. I said he was disallowed to bury his wife. If he decides to go against the tradition, he will likely die after burying her.
■ Some things are way above your understanding. And I believe you should cross a line and not meddle into this.
■ I personally quoted the OP to share a lifetime experience and people who understand these traditions will not quote to talk nonsense like you just did. I will only challenge you to find yourself in this situation and do otherwise.... Marry a girl without the consent of her father. And let her die in your house.

1. I know a lot about traditions of the many cultures enough to know they are basically of bullsheet and not of reason. They are psychological shackles/chains designed to keep segments of the community shackled/enslaved to those who are expected to rule over them for their lives even.

I am a Nigerian after all and I had my own share of encounters with culture and tradition beginning from my childhood. I was able to reason for what it was back then since no man asked my opinion before setting up such ridiculous rules to impede on what is my own life. Even back then I made the concerted decision to step completely away from culture and tradition. You know what? I have had it better than most of those who remain entwined in all that nonsense to date. I barely communicate with my cousins and relatives because their lives are pretty much chaotic mountains of drama after drama as a result of tradition and culture, noise that I would rather do without.

2. I don't follow at all.

3. How can a man who legally married his own spouse be disallowed by others from burying his own wife? Your uncle has rather allowed his fears to cause him to refuse to bury his own spouse.

4. That is exactly what one of my cousins says as he continues chasing after spirits and ancestors trying to get at him while his family life remains a wreck because he is ruled by his fears and irresponsibility. Excuses galore! When I remind them of how I crossed the line back when I was a kid myself, they quickly conjure up stories about why my life didn't turn out like theirs. They claim I was special.... all just to placate themselves in their delusions.

5. Nigerians ehn!

MetaBroadband:
Good morning mature men and women in the house. Please I need your help on this topic.

My Fiancee told me about how her biological dad abandoned her and her mum after getting her mum pregnant.

Her mum later married another man who adopted her as his child.

Now she's grown and I've proposed to her, I wanted to go for her official introduction and list collection.

Would it not be nice to hear the biological father's opinion? Should I just ignore the fact that the man is still alive and proceed with the marriage arrangement?

Although she said I should not bother about that, but this is Nigeria and as an Akwa Ibomite I don't think it's proper. Although she's against me trying to find out about the man's opinion. Should I care?

What can you say about this?

Note: she only told me that the man abandoned them, but what if it was her mum that actually took her away?

Whose Surname is the girl bearing? if she's bearing her biological father's surname, go and see him. If she's bearing the step dad's last name, forget the biological father

Kobojunkie:
1. I know a lot about traditions of the many cultures enough to know they are basically of bullsheet and not of reason. They are psychological shackles/chains designed to keep segments of the community shackled/enslaved to those who are expected to rule over them for their lives even.

I am a Nigerian after all and I had my own share of encounters with culture and tradition beginning from my childhood. I was able to reason for what it was back then since no man asked my opinion before setting up such ridiculous rules to impede on what is my own life. Even back then I made the concerted decision to step completely away from culture and tradition. You know what? I have had it better than most of those who remain entwined in all that nonsense to date. I barely communicate with my cousins and relatives because their lives are pretty much chaotic mountains of drama after drama as a result of tradition and culture, noise that I would rather do without.

2. I don't follow at all.

3. How can a man who legally married his own spouse be disallowed by others from burying his own wife? Your uncle has rather allowed his fears to cause him to refuse to bury his own spouse.

4. That is exactly what one of my cousins says as he continues chasing after spirits and ancestors trying to get at him while his family life remains a wreck because he is ruled by his fears and irresponsibility. Excuses galore! When I remind them of how I crossed the line back when I was a kid myself, they quickly conjure up stories about why my life didn't turn out like theirs. They claim I was special.... all just to placate themselves in their delusions.

5. Nigerians ehn!

I challenged you to get yourself into the situation.


I was on your space and never believe on this bullsheet as well...


But overtime, I realised I was wrong all along.


These people will kill you.


He was legally married because the mother of my aunt and my aunt played him. Lied to him that the wife's father was late.

He paid everything to the family of the girl. Out of ignorance. Today, the situation is different.

ZIMDRILL:
Fair enough thats your view on the subject but ask yourself why most people dont feel comfortable, when there is no parents approval of there wife to be or husband to be ?

Some call it approval and blessing, from parents

A parent is one who raised us up not a sperm donor.
We care about their approval because their opinion and happiness matters to us.
I definitely won't rate the opinion of a man who made zero attempt to be a father to me even though he knew about me.

If I had a deadbeat dad, seeing his tears won't move me like seeing the tears of the one who raised me.

hardasan:
A parent is one who raised us up not a sperm donor.
We care about their approval because their opinion and happiness matters to us.
I definitely won't rate the opinion of a man who made zero attempt to be a father to me even though he knew about me.

If I had a deadbeat dad, seeing his tears won't move me like seeing the tears of the one who raised me.

i respect your opinion and we differ thats fine but the honest truth most people find it hard, ho go ahead and marry without parents approval

Dont get me wrong am not in support of deadbeat dad behaviour

LMAO