MetaBroadband:
Good morning mature men and women in the house. Please I need your help on this topic.

My Fiancee told me about how her biological dad abandoned her and her mum after getting her mum pregnant.

Her mum later married another man who adopted her as his child.

Now she's grown and I've proposed to her, I wanted to go for her official introduction and list collection.

Would it not be nice to hear the biological father's opinion? Should I just ignore the fact that the man is still alive and proceed with the marriage arrangement?

Although she said I should not bother about that, but this is Nigeria and as an Akwa Ibomite I don't think it's proper. Although she's against me trying to find out about the man's opinion. Should I care?

What can you say about this?

Note: she only told me that the man abandoned them, but what if it was her mum that actually took her away?

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you see her biological father.
What he did/may have done is wrong, but it doesn't change the fact that he is her father & he is alive.

UjuJoan2:


May God not let my daughter come across men like this.

What is special about ur daughter,

UjuJoan2:


So if they mandate you to pay the bride price later then pay it and stop whining. You are getting a full human being to satisfy your whims and needs, and make multiple trips to hell’s gate (labour room) for you. How much is the bride price abeg? Is it one million? Stop looking for excuses and be respectful of the woman you want to marry and her mother.

So annoying!

U women are bitter and stupid

Biglittlelois:


So like this now, you think you have made sense? Isonu omo leleyi sha

It seems you have made up your mind to look for him without her mother's permission, so what do you need nairalands opinion for? You will regret this path you want to take which will teach you a lesson to always mind the business that pays you,

Very annoying a creature.

Why not counter him with fact

The way women are trying to emotionally blackmail the op shows a lot abt how they can poison the minds of their kids against their dad.

Respect which yeye girl,girl that you are doing a favour for by wifing her, a girl that will contribute nothing during the ceremony and during the entire course of the marriage. Rubbish

Op pls ignore these degenerates and go and see her biological dad

bukatyne:
It is things like this that give men the guts to mess up, be deadbeat dads and be assured that someone is coming to look for them tomorrow.

On top bride price of how much bikonu, hia
R u aware that some bride price is #10
So what is #10 that u cannot allow her biological dad to collect

Landmine1:
best advice on this thread.

What exactly is he meeting him for? And as what?

As a son In law
And to know the dynamics of the family he is marrying into
If your hands are clean u shouldn't be scared of your prospective son in law reaching out to the biological father of your daughter assuming u r a woman

shantti:


On top bride price of how much bikonu, hia
R u aware that some bride price is #10
So what is #10 that u cannot allow her biological dad to collect

It is not the amount, it's the symbolism.

Why should a man who never partook in the care of his child be entitled to her brideprice?

ZIMDRILL:


i respect your opinion and we differ thats fine but the honest truth most people find it hard, ho go ahead and marry without parents approval

Dont get me wrong am not in support of deadbeat dad behaviour

Is brideprice payment even a right tradition?

MetaBroadband:
Good morning mature men and women in the house. Please I need your help on this topic.

My Fiancee told me about how her biological dad abandoned her and her mum after getting her mum pregnant.

Her mum later married another man who adopted her as his child.

Now she's grown and I've proposed to her, I wanted to go for her official introduction and list collection.

Would it not be nice to hear the biological father's opinion? Should I just ignore the fact that the man is still alive and proceed with the marriage arrangement?

Although she said I should not bother about that, but this is Nigeria and as an Akwa Ibomite I don't think it's proper. Although she's against me trying to find out about the man's opinion. Should I care?

What can you say about this?

Note: she only told me that the man abandoned them, but what if it was her mum that actually took her away?

You're marrying your wife
Are you marrying the father?
She told you he abandoned her and you want to seek his opinion and not the step father that took her in.

This is how you people ruin your marriage especially since she is against it.

hardasan:


Is brideprice payment even a right tradition?

yes it,

lock at this a white wedding it is western and easter tradition

In the western tradition of a wedding, the guy buy a ring, not a cheap ring No thats equally to may be half of the bride price of an africa traditonal pride price

there are 3 problem with us africans

1 at 1st a white wedding was seen and used a sign to show off how wealth you are, compared to african traditional one

2 we have made to believe by the coloners that our own traditional wedding are nothing but equally there are both traditional, the only difference is that a white wedding can held with in-coperation with laws aka registering

3 Most african we know little of the actual white wedding tradition, we only capture the ceremony with knowing what really happens

here is the link to understand a typical western traditional white wedding
https://www.bridesdiary.com.au/planning-your-wedding/articles/246/wedding-budget-etiquette-who-pays-for-what

ZIMDRILL:


yes it,

lock at this a white wedding it is western and easter tradition

In the western tradition of a wedding, the guy buy a ring, not a cheap ring No thats equally to may be half of the bride price of an africa traditonal pride price

there are 3 problem with us africans

1 at 1st a white wedding was seen and used a sign to show off how wealth you are, compared to african traditional one

2 we have made to believe by the coloners that our own traditional wedding are nothing but equally there are both traditional, the only difference is that a white wedding can held with in-coperation with laws aka registering

3 Most african we know little of the actual white wedding tradition, we only capture the ceremony with knowing what really happens

here is the link to understand a typical western traditional white wedding
https://www.bridesdiary.com.au/planning-your-wedding/articles/246/wedding-budget-etiquette-who-pays-for-what

I only mentioned brideprice, you brought traditional and white wedding and even ring into it.

So let's face our own tradition.
The idea of a price to be paid to symbolize commitment sounds romantic and godly.

What has 50 tubers of yam got to do with a marriage's success?
Does 1m naira brideprice as hefty as it is stop a couple from divorcing when things don't work out between them?
Why will a man ask his fellow man to build a house for him in the name of brideprice?
Why should an entire kindred chop from one person's wedding? Is that even fair?
What has flogging a man got to do with becoming a good husband?

Brideprice shouldn't be more than 10,000naira equivalent.
Anything else added is hypocrisy and man's inhumanity to man.

Otherwise, do away with brideprice entirely.

hardasan:


I only mentioned brideprice, you brought traditional and white wedding and even ring into it.

So let's face our own tradition.
The idea of a price to be paid to symbolize commitment sounds romantic and godly.

What has 50 tubers of yam got to do with a marriage's success?
Does 1m naira brideprice as hefty as it is stop a couple from divorcing when things don't work out between them?
Why will a man ask his fellow man to build a house for him in the name of brideprice?
Why should an entire kindred chop from one person's wedding? Is that even fair?
What has flogging a man got to do with becoming a good husband?

Brideprice shouldn't be more than 10,000naira equivalent.
Anything else added is hypocrisy and man's inhumanity to man.

Otherwise, do away with brideprice entirely.

a white wedding is a traditional wedding to western and eastern europe so its equall a traditional wedding as our own cultural, tribal or traditional african one, the only difference is in the western world it has been incoperated into One were registery and wedding can be done at the same time aka registry and ceremony

Then i mentioned the ring under western tradition were the ring cost a bit of money and i compared it with part of bride price money or whatever

As for why 50 tubers etc, you need to search on what was basic living before modern world, marrying off your daughter was also loosing two hands that would have helped in ploughing the fields etc, marrying off you get compersented and also in law bring feed to each that day and other days to come, that were this concept of all food staff etc

And also it showed the hustle skill of the son-on law and his family

However the modern life has made marrying a very commercial transaction were some family are trully seeing daughters

Some people like youself are now focusing, on those who have abused the traditional marrying ways, while abuse is there, their still other people who are still reasonable not greedy

Biglittlelois:



So evil like a hater, why will you be expecting someone else's breakfast? A married man for that matter, check yourself, negativity and bitterness is already eating your soul slowly,

And you believe the riff raff is married?
These men are incels. A man happily married and returns home to lovely kids running around his home, a beautiful wife with a soulful smile, delicious dinner and the assurance of sex when the kids are at sleep can't be this vengeful or hateful in life

ZIMDRILL:


a white wedding is a traditional wedding to western and eastern europe so its equall a traditional wedding as our own cultural, tribal or traditional african one, the only difference is in the western world it has been incoperated into One were registery and wedding can be done at the same time aka registry and ceremony

Then i mentioned the ring under western tradition were the ring cost a bit of money and i compared it with part of bride price money or whatever

As for why 50 tubers etc, you need to search on what was basic living before modern world, marrying off your daughter was also loosing two hands that would have helped in ploughing the fields etc, marrying off you get compersented and also in law bring feed to each that day and other days to come, that were this concept of all food staff etc

And also it showed the hustle skill of the son-on law and his family

However the modern life has made marrying a very commercial transaction were some family are trully seeing daughters

Some people like youself are now focusing, on those who have abused the traditional marrying ways, while abuse is there, their still other people who are still reasonable not greedy

For a culture to survive, it has to be dynamic and responsive to changing times.

I love how you put it "before modern times"

Times have changed, daughters aren't farming and their marriage doesn't stop them from supporting their family if they wish to, so hasn't that tradition overstayed it's welcome?

If you know me, you'll know I'm a cultural lover but I can't swallow trash because I want to be cultural.

Why are we wearing English wears? Before the modern times, weren't we wearing grass or even wearing nothing? We conveniently did away with the unclothedness, what about the murder of twins, isn't that our culture ?

What about the culture of women marrying women?
What about the culture where women on their periods shouldn't be touched with a long pole to avoid defilement and neutralization of whatever......

When times change traditions adjust or end up in the dustbins of history

Stevenbright:


See don't get into what is not your business.

Although, if truly the mum current husband is the one who took care of her and raised her up till this point, then he is the one who you should relate to because of the responsibilities he has undertaking on her.

But again, on the other hand, you need to also find out the real truth just to know it not because you want to accord her biological father the fatherly role but to make sure her mum was not the problem vis-a-viz taking the child from her biological father illegally to another man so that you will not be at the risk of getting married to someone who can do such wicked acts to you too.

I couldn't have said better. OP should follow this.

hardasan:


For a culture to survive, it has to be dynamic and responsive to changing times.

I love how you put it "before modern times"

Times have changed, daughters aren't farming and their marriage doesn't stop them from supporting their family if they wish to, so hasn't that tradition overstayed it's welcome?

If you know me, you'll know I'm a cultural lover but I can't swallow trash because I want to be cultural.

Why are we wearing English wears? Before the modern times, weren't we wearing grass or even wearing nothing? We conveniently did away with the unclothedness, what about the murder of twins, isn't that our culture ?

What about the culture of women marrying women?
What about the culture where women on their periods shouldn't be touched with a long pole to avoid defilement and neutralization of whatever......

When times change traditions adjust or end up in the dustbins of history

i agree that cultute is dynamic and moves woth time, the dynamic is the change from
the past, not knowing and understanding yout past leaves you confused in the present time

ZIMDRILL:


i agree that cultute is dynamic and moves woth time, the dynamic is the change from
the past, not knowing and understanding yout past leaves you confused in the present time

We all understand the past, but we're holding on to some outdated forms of the traditions for selfish reasons.

Brideprice has no reason to cause financial headache otherwise it should be scrapped.

hardasan:


We all understand the past, but we're holding on to some outdated forms of the traditions for selfish reasons.

Brideprice has no reason to cause financial headache otherwise it should be scrapped.

even a traditional white wedding does the same

unfortunately many people are abusing the these traditions

ZIMDRILL:


even a traditional white wedding does the same

unfortunately many people are abusing the these traditions

A traditional white wedding is none of our business and it's still not a good reason why we should continue practicing damaging traditions.

The modern white wedding a.k.a church wedding has adapted to the changing times and this is why it's more widely practiced and accepted.

All that's needed there is the consent of the parents of the bride or someone representing them, a priest and two witnesses.
Shikena!

You nau have the ability to tweak it according to your financial capacity or choices.
Some people do bridal train that's like half a village, na their money.
Some people use limousine as the wedding car, na Dem sabi.
Some do reception, some no do reception na dem want am like that.

A tradition that places a financial requirement for everyone should make the minimum amount affordable for anyone in such a way that even beggars can afford it. So people stop using money as an excuse to not do the right thing

hardasan:


A traditional white wedding is none of our business and it's still not a good reason why we should continue practicing damaging traditions.

The modern white wedding a.k.a church wedding has adapted to the changing times and this is why it's more widely practiced and accepted.

All that's needed there is the consent of the parents of the bride or someone representing them, a priest and two witnesses.
Shikena!

You nau have the ability to tweak it according to your financial capacity or choices.
Some people do bridal train that's like half a village, na their money.
Some people use limousine as the wedding car, na Dem sabi.
Some do reception, some no do reception na dem want am like that.

A tradition that places a financial requirement for everyone should make the minimum amount affordable for anyone in such a way that even beggars can afford it. So people stop using money as an excuse to not do the right thing

i get your point

but you are failing to understand where tradition/custom, law and church meet


In most cases a church wedding comes after traditional marriage or registy of marriage, unless if your church and the pastor are certified to conduct registry marriages

Do you know the difference between registry and the ceremony ?

Micheal56:
Una still Dey marry Where Una Dey see money Na

the money way balablu bulaba share during election reach him hand na him fit dey among those way snatch ballot box for your polling unit

Go and meet Baba....

ZIMDRILL:


i get your point

but you are failing to understand where tradition/custom, law and church meet


In most cases a church wedding comes after traditional marriage or registy of marriage, unless if your church and the pastor are certified to conduct registry marriages

Do you know the difference between registry and the ceremony ?

You're not getting my point, wether Christian traditions or cultural traditions. A tradition that has overstayed it's welcome must either adjust or be trashed.
This idea of paying brideprice especially exorbitant amounts that make women seem like merchandise should stop.

Our culture is beautiful and I'm not saying that it should be scrapped. I'm just saying that it's not perfect and we shouldn't keep bleeding ourselves to satisfy it's blood lust.

Let's keep the beautiful traditions and throw away the parts that have outlived their usefulness

hardasan:


You're not getting my point, wether Christian traditions or cultural traditions. A tradition that has overstayed it's welcome must either adjust or be trashed.
This idea of paying brideprice especially exorbitant amounts that make women seem like merchandise should stop.

Our culture is beautiful and I'm not saying that it should be scrapped. I'm just saying that it's not perfect and we shouldn't keep bleeding ourselves to satisfy it's blood lust.

Let's keep the beautiful traditions and throw away the parts that have outlived their usefulness

1 was trying to make you understand that both our african and western tradition require some monies to be paid or spent

2 i agree on exorbitant amount there are wrong, but do we have to throw away our culture becoz of few rotten apple ?

3 pride price should be and must be there, let uproot those families that makes it look bad

Biglittlelois:



So evil like a hater, why will you be expecting someone else's breakfast? A married man for that matter, check yourself, negativity and bitterness is already eating your soul slowly,

shut your gutter mouth.
It's smelling

This is a funny thread! People are arguing about tradition when everyone has a different tradition. Op, if this is an important part of your tradition then stand firm and walk away if her family won’t honour it. People’s religious, cultural, and traditional values are not up for debate so I don’t know what you want from us.

1Sharon:


So why didn't he show up for the wedding?

His problem, I did not even ask but one of his children with diffrent mum with my wife came shaa . My wife gave birth and I contacted him yo tell him. He sent us some money and still sent the man ( one of his children) that came for the wedding to still come for the naming ceremony . I told him to send me the name he will like to name the child , shikena. I’m always diplomatic and I know how to play my games cos I know my wife mum isn’t pleased with my actions but I no send her cos islamically, he have a say pass the woman sef irrespective of what happened